I'm just curious

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Smirking, Commander Riker motioned the android to precede him, and Data turned and knocked on the door of the ready room.

 

"Come," came the expected response through the door, and it whisked open. Data entered, followed by Riker, who stepped past the android and took up a position beside the Captain's desk.

 

Picard had regained what little composure he might have lost and was sitting calmly, considering what he wanted to ask first. Finally he asked, "Commander Data, are you functioning properly?"

 

"Are you speaking literally or metaphorically, Captain?"

 

"Mmmm, both, I believe. That was quite a display you put on in the computer core."

 

"It was not meant to be a public display, Sir. And in answer to your first question, I am physically functioning at 99.99+% efficiency, and believe myself to be functioning properly in an ethical sense as well."

 

"Yes, indeed. And do you have a logical explanation for what occurred?"

 

Data regarded Mr. Riker, who was trying hard not to smirk at him from his position beside the Captain's desk and nearly succeeding. "Yes, Sir, I do."

 

Picard waited patiently for a few moments, and it became obvious that Data was not going to say anything further unless prompted, an unusual occurrence for the normally garrulous android officer. "And would you mind sharing that explanation with us?"

 

Data frowned slightly. "I am not at all certain that you will accept my explanation with aplomb, and am afraid that my logic chain may indeed cause you some mental and emotional distress. Are you certain you wish me to elucidate further?"

 

"Mr. Data, I assure you that I would not miss your elucidation on this subject for the world. And furthermore, I will attempt to view your explanation with all the aplomb I can muster, and will forgive you in advance for any emotional distress you may cause me." Picard smiled at the android, and finished, "You may remember that I have dealt with your causing me emotional distress on many levels in the past."

 

Data's frown smoothed away. "Absolutely correct, Captain. My recent experiment with the computer stems from an ethical dilemma I have been considering as of late, and seems to be a solution, or at least a partial one. I discovered that dreaming actually increased my efficiency by nearly 3/10000 of a percent, and then found that indulging in sexual relations increased my efficiency even more." Data cocked one eyebrow at Riker, who was no longer even attempting to conceal his smirk, and continued. "These findings were in line with information I was given by some of my fellow officers, and for a time I experimented freely with willing crewpersons of all sexes."

 

Picard sat up straighter in his chair and interrupted. "Mr. Data, exactly what do you mean by that?"

 

Data answered imperturbably. "I found no reason to confine my experimentation to human females, or even humans. Several of the alien crewpersons are reasonably compatible with my sexual organs, and most of them that I approached were fascinated by the opportunity to experiment. However, this sexual experimentation led to my ethical dilemma."

 

"And what, exactly, was that?" Riker asked, his grin threatening to split his face apart.

 

"Why, stated simply, I realized that I was engaged in a type of bestiality."

 

"What?" Picard came halfway out of his chair, then sank back down. "Would you mind explaining that?" His tone was much more reasonable this time, not the command-voice thunder the first question had been.

 

"Certainly, Sir," Data replied. "The textbook definition of bestiality is sexual congress with a lesser form of life. Taking into account my enhanced capabilities, both mental and physical, I realized that sexual congress with any of the crew of the Enterprise constituted actual, if not legal, bestiality.

 

"Therefore, I was at a loss as to what to do to keep my efficiency at maximum. Then I realized that I was in daily contact with one entity that was my mental equal, and in some ways my physical superior."

 

"The Enterprise herself!" breathed Riker, his amusement forgotten momentarily.

 

"Precisely, sir. And so I determined that I could physically access the main core through one of the universal probe interfaces, went to the Main Core access, and asked the computer if it would like to have sex with me."

 

Riker snorted, his smirk back in full force. Picard glanced disapprovingly at his second in command, then turned his attention back to Data. "I presume from what we witnessed that the computer's answer was affirmative."

 

"Yes, indeed, Captain.

 

"I am not a rapist!" Data managed, for just a moment, to look properly offended.

 

"I never believed you were. And what were the results of this--experiment?"

 

"If he says he's in love, I'm going to throw up," Riker muttered at a volume that made the comment just barely distinguishable.

 

Picard and Data both ignored him. "The results were salutary, Captain. I am operating, as I previously mentioned, at maximum efficiency. The main computer as well has shown an increase in efficiency of nearly three percent. I was gratified that everything worked out so well. Indeed, there is only one small problem."

 

Picard raised one eyebrow. "And that is?"

 

With his normal deadpan demeanor, Data replied. "I have determined that the main computer, which as you know was programmed by the Betans, is a pervert. She enjoyed what we did so much that now she wants to experiment as well, and my arguments about bestiality did not sway her in the slightest."

 

Picard's eyes widened. "What exactly are you saying, Mr. Data?"

 

"I am very much afraid, sir," Data said, looking from Picard to the man standing behind him, "that the ship's Computer wants to fuck Commander Riker next!"

[Spaceman Spiff 0]

Dun-dun-dun!

[Sideburnious 0]

Meh, saw it coming.

[Modern Man's Hustle 0]

No you didn't.

[Guest Laka]

How come I'm not allowed back here then.

 

Especially since I was only banned because I asked to be.

[Guest Laka]

BTW, I'm Leena.

 

You're welcome to go on another power trip, if you wish.

[Slayer 0]

Show your tirts

[Guest Laka]

I will, if I'm allowed back.

[Guest Failed Mascot]

Just start posting. Mods don't ban previously banned posters anymore. All they do is alter people's post counts and other idiotic things. There's no more actual modding which means we can run a muck and steal office supplies when Dames isn't looking.

[Nighthawk 0]

Yeah, and iron my shirt, bitch.

[Giuseppe Zangara 0]

Failed Mascot, this wounded bird act wasn't very flattering back when you pulled it at SNKT. Either grow a sack or have yourself banned again.

[Nighthawk 0]

Oh, you're worse than him.

[Guest Loss]

Failed Mascot, this wounded bird act wasn't very flattering back when you pulled it at SNKT. Either grow a sack or have yourself banned again.

You were at SNKT?

[KingPK 0]

I remember a brief appearance.

[Guest Failed Mascot]

I believe there are some tirts that need to be shown.

[Giuseppe Zangara 0]

I remember a brief appearance.

I think I posted ten or so times.

[Slayer 0]

I'm just curious to hear Inc's feelings on his favorite person getting the death penalty

[Nighthawk 0]

But I haven't been given the death penalty.

[Slayer 0]

Yet

[Guest Laka]

Yeah, and iron my shirt, bitch.

No.

 

I'm the psycho bitch that cuts off your dick, then posts pics of it in LSD to make the ugly fags here cry.

[Art Sandusky 0]

Yipes.

[Nighthawk 0]

Yeah, and iron my shirt, bitch.

No.

 

I'm the psycho bitch that cuts off your dick, then posts pics of it in LSD to make the ugly fags here cry.

They've seen it.

[Guest Laka]

They haven't seen it severed.

[Guest Laka]

Yipes.

You're a mod, so I have to be nice to you. Sigh.

 

How are you, Spoony?

 

Find a fuckmate yet?

[Nighthawk 0]

Hm, looks like you've got some hot sauce in your taco. I like that in a filly.

[Guest Laka]

Stop being a n00b.

 

Everyone who's anyone knows who I am.

 

Besides, I'm gonna be banned soon anyway once Tubby gets angry trying to remember why he banned me in the first place.

[Nighthawk 0]

I know who you are. Do you know who I am?

[Slayer 0]

Hehe... Tubby

[Nighthawk 0]

Yeah, who's Tubby anyway? I don't think any of the mods are slim.

[Slayer 0]

Maybe she meant Shorty

 

...or Stinky