Promo: The Serpent

[Secret Agent 0]

Las Vegas, Nevada.

 

Several miles away from the big strip of casinos and various other attractions that made Sin City famous is the home of one SWF Superstar – Johnny Dangerous. Inside the master bedroom the Barracuda packs the last few belongings into his suitcase that he will need for Smarkdown. On his bed are the SWF International Championship and his half of the SWF World Tag Team Championship – both bets neatly folded under. Johnny grabs both belts and stares at them for just a moment before his cell phone ringer…well rings, distracting him from his moment of thought.

 

“We gon' party like it's yo birthday

We gon' sip Bacardi like it's yo birthday

'Cause you know we don't give a-”

 

“Agent Dangerous,” greets Johnny, flipping the phone open and bringing it to his face in one swift motion.

 

“Greetings, Mr. Dangerous,” the voice over the phone calls back. “I’m so glad I was finally able to get a hold of you – we have lots to discuss.”

 

“What do you want,” Johnny hatefully replies. His eyes narrow as he recognizes the caller – it isn’t someone he’s grown too fond of at all.

 

“It’s not exactly what I want, but rather… what I can offer you,” the mysterious voice says. “My interest is that of the Smartmarks Wrestling Federation, you, and a special friend of yours as well. You see, Mr. Dangerous, I have been carefully watching the SWF. I’ve noticed all the tension between you and your partner lately which I can totally understand seeing as how the Wildchild loves nothing more than to steal the spotlight away from the true powerhouse of Wild and Dangerous – you, Johnny Dangerous.”

 

“Listen,” hisses Johnny, “I don’t have time for any of this kind of crap! I know what you’re trying to do and the last thing I need is someone who tries to stick their nose in my happenings.”

 

“Your happenings you say? You mean like how you so happened to not even have a match at Lockdown while your partner, Wildchild, was the main event of the show for the third time in as many weeks? How you sit and do nothing at all while the Bahaman gets all the attention.”

 

“You think I care if Wildchild is the main event of every show!?” Johnny angrily questions the caller. How dare this man try and stick a wedge between him and Wildchild – Johnny’s had plenty of frustrations of his own that have put friction on the team in recent times and he certainly didn’t need any outside interference. “You’re talking about my partner, the man who has teamed with me for three years. If you think you’re going to cause a conflict between me and him on the eve of our Tag Title defense then you’re sadly mistaken. I don’t care if Wildchild main events every show from now to doomsday and I don’t!”

 

“Is that really true, Mr. Dangerous? After all, I’ve seen you in action week in and out – I see how distraught you’ve become over the lack of opportunities leading to a World Title match. It tears your apart wondering what you could possibly be doing so wrong. You’ve lost only a single match since your return to the SWF while people who can’t win matches to save their lives fight a continuing battle for the number one contendership to the World Title. In the meantime you’ve won the International Championship, you’ve dominated the Tag Team scene but regardless of all this – even though you are an unstoppable force… you are really only second best and you can’t stand it.”

 

Johnny doesn’t respond to this mysterious caller’s words. He lowers his head as a bit of laughter comes over the receiver. Obviously, the callers words have rung true to the Barracuda, and like he said… Johnny can’t stand it.

 

“You know I’m right, Mr. Dangerous,” the caller begins again. “Like I said, I’ve been watching you. I see how angry you get in your matches when things aren’t exactly going your way – when someone comes dangerously close to finally defeating you. You know if you loose you will never, ever challenge for the World Title again.”

 

“Maybe so,” growls Johnny, “but what business is this of yours and why do you care!?”

 

“Business?” the caller questions, “funny you should mention that because I am all about business. I can offer you things that you only thought were possible in your wildest dreams. I can help you with what you want-”

 

“The World Heavyweight Championship,” says Johnny, cutting the caller off.

 

“Yes, the World Heavyweight Championship. It’s time that those who busted their ass week in and out get their chance at that belt. Not that clown Mak Francis, who hasn’t won a single match since his return to the SWF. Not people like Spike Jenkins, who only made his only claim to fame with the Cruiserweight Championship after you walked away from it. I know who the true Champions are and I know the true people that should be fighting for the World Heavyweight Championship – you, Mr. Dangerous, and I can make that happen!”

 

“I’ll have to think about it,” replies Johnny.

 

“I’ll be in touch.”

 

CLICK!

 

Slowly, Johnny folds his Motorola Razor phone closed and tosses it onto the couch. The offer was certainly enticing, but he knew the price to be paid would be tremendous…

 

 

 

 

As We:

FADE OUT.

[Toxxic 0]

Damn, I'm good with those disguised voices, aren't I?

[JJ Johnson 0]

Everyone's e-fed character has a Razor but me.

 

Then again, what would my e-fed character use it for? To get the wax out of his ears?

[Angel_Grace_Blue 0]

He could get a SideKick and text message people. Like Snoop Dogg! And Paris Hilton!

 

Or not!

 

Exclamation point.

[JJ Johnson 0]

"Den I caught him in the Frostbizzle and he submizzled!"

 

"Fo' rizzle?"

 

"Fo' rizzle."

[Angel_Grace_Blue 0]

Wait.

 

I've got the best idea ever!

 

Give JJ that backpack thing from the movie Congo that allowed the gorilla's sign language to be turned into spoken words.

 

Either that, or Johnson will be doing an Elk impression a lot.

 

"..."

 

"Really?"

 

"..."

 

"Damn."

 

"...!"

 

"He did?"

 

"..."

 

"Awesome"

[JJ Johnson 0]

I loved Congo. I especially loved the part when he beat Thunderlips, and...oh. That was Rocky III, wasn't it. Well, I read the book Congo anyway. Or maybe just be like Lassie.

 

 

 

 

ARF ARF ARF!!!

 

 

"What's that, JJ?"

 

 

ARF ARF!

 

"Pretzler's caught in the well?!"

 

 

ARF!

 

 

"Damn. Guess we have to do another initiation."

 

 

 

 

Grrrrrrrrr...

 

 

 

"I mean RESCUE HIM! Yeah, that's what I meant, rescue him."

[Angel_Grace_Blue 0]

Wouldn't it be JJ stamping his feet? Or will he carry a dog around and poke it to make it bark? As long as it's not violent poking, that might make him sympathetic.

 

And he could get the dog drunk.

 

*has an odd feeling that this thread has gone off-topic*

 

Wait, it's just the wind. Never mind about that off-topic thing. Continue on with thinking up ways for JJ to communicate with others.

[JJ Johnson 0]

Yeah, he pokes the dog. Another thing he could do is carry around one of those little chalkboards like when Homer broke his jaw on the Simpsons.

[The Ill One 0]

Everyone's e-fed character has a Razor but me. 

 

Then again, what would my e-fed character use it for? To get the wax out of his ears?

The vibrate mode is excellent for that.

[Toxxic 0]

I don't know what the problem is. Toxxic has no problem understanding JJ at all. Must be that whole psychic business.

[JJ Johnson 0]

Must be that whole psychic business.

 

 

 

 

Hush. No one must know.

[Mr. S£im Citrus 0]

Does anyone ever read promos and actually comment on the promos anymore?

[Angel_Grace_Blue 0]

Nope. What's the fun in that?

[Mr. S£im Citrus 0]

....

 

And all this time, I thought that Community/General was the appropriate place for chat/joke threads...

 

What happened to promos as a means of advancing angles?

[A Happy Medium 0]

Dude, Wildchild.

 

Promos getting one or two serious posts and then a string of jokes is something that has been going since the IGN board days, and even the fed's inception at this board.

 

I figure if people are at least having fun on the board, its good for this place.

[Ace309 0]

Of the last five promo posts, WC, you've commented on two.

 

One was this one, which you didn't actually comment on.

 

One was Landon't Vault promo, dealing with you.

 

You have absolutely no room to criticize people for not making relevant comments on promos.

[Mr. S£im Citrus 0]

Tom, I think that there's a big difference between not posting a response, and using the thread as a license to "free post," as it were. And, lest it be forgotten, I don't exactly get to come to the board every day while I'm underway. I'd venture to say that, among the promos that I do get a chance to read, I post on-topic as often, if not moreso, than anyone else.

[Angel_Grace_Blue 0]

Yeah, but neither show the writer that said promo has been read and that the angle/storyline presented is known by a good portion of the fed.

 

I did read the promo, but honestly, I had nothing other to say about it then "Durr, good promo. Johnny talk phone to man!" and that shit gets fucking old, so I simply helped it devolve into what it is now, so it could be seen that you are taking our off-topic discussion about means of communication for JJ off-topic. For shame.

 

But like Munch said, it's very rare that a promo thread will stay on topic for very long.

[Ace309 0]

You need to quit being so god damn negative, WC. Free time to post or not, it seems like half your posts are taking the moral high road on some damn thing.

 

Agree with me or disagree. Frankly, I don't care, since it's got fuck-all to do with your writing and fed-related participation (which I feel compelled to say are above-average, just in case anyone here was confused about that). I'm just telling you that if I were to read most of your posts on these forums, I'd assume you really didn't enjoy this place much at all.

 

Making a fuss about this sort of shit is petty. I'm sorry, but it is. It's just part of the way the fed runs, and it looks really sad when you complain about hijacking the thread for a promo that deals with your character and his tag-team partner when your only other promo response in the past 30 days was to a year-old promo that was about your character. I recognize that, yes, there's a difference between a hijack and a non-response, but that's just a function of the people who post here.

 

Lighten up, for god's sake.

[Mr. S£im Citrus 0]

Roger that, Tom; consider your advice taken on board. I will endeavor to practice what I preach.

 

Can't make any promises about lightening up, though; I'm too old and set in my ways, and my sense of humor is... different from most of the rest of you guys.

 

That, and old people tend to be touchy; ask Mark if you don't believe me...