Chuck Norris facts

[The Amazing Rando 0]

Chuck 3:16 doesn't say anything...because it doesn't have to.

[Ravenbomb 0]

There was a rumor that Chuck 3:16 was written on the heel of Norris' boot, but the only way to read it was to read it really quick while he gave you a roundhouse kick. Since few people survive a roundhouse kick with their mind in tact, it has yet to be confirmed or denied

[Vern Gagne 0]

A roundhouse kick delivered by Chuck Norris, three years in the future killed Eddie Guerrero last Sunday.

 

Chuck Norris gave Hurricane Katrina a roundhouse kick, and forced it to cook Chuck Norris dinner, and give him a blow job.

[Ravenbomb 0]

a 30 minute film reel of Chuck Norris having sex with a midget was the inspiration for the 20's German Expressionist movement

[Vern Gagne 0]

The day Chuck Norris kicked his way out of his mother's womb. God retired and moved to Tahiti. It is know Chuck Norris, who rules over Heaven. The one way you enter the pearly gates. A beard, those who don't are roundhoused into hell, with the other beardless pussies.

[Lil' Bitch 0]

Chuck Norris's poop is considered currency in a remote corner of Mongolia.

 

Chuck Norris fishes with his bear hands. He killed the bear by beating it to death with a fish.

 

[Carnival 0]

A roundhouse kick delivered by Chuck Norris, three years in the future killed Eddie Guerrero last Sunday.

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Should I feel like a bad person for lollerbating about this one?

 

Jerry LOLer!

[Vern Gagne 0]

It's the truth.

[Ravenbomb 0]

Little known Chuck Norris fact; one of his movies was nominated for Best Picture. Seems one day in the early 90's, he shaved half of his scrotum and had both of his testicles play the leads in Beautey and the Beast. When Disney found out he made it with his balls, they threatened to sue him, which pissed him off so he roundhouse kicked them so hard they lost Pixar.

[The Amazing Rando 0]

While vacationing in Jamaica, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick was let loose so quickly that the wind from it created Hurricane Ranger, but due to the accent of the jamacians, the news thought it was "Rita", the Hurricane then went towards Texas, cause that's where a Hurricane Ranger's gotta be.

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This thread turned painful in a hurry.

[Vern Gagne 0]

You're from Minnesota Piss?

[River City Rocker 0]

Chuck Norris brought down Richard Nixon and Idi Amin.

 

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man just to watch him die.

 

Chuck Norris beat the hell out of Rupert Holmes for "The Pina Colada Song", and made Holmes promise he'd never write another song like it.

 

Chuck Norris came up with Bud Light's "Real Men of Genius" radio ad campaign.

 

Chuck Norris killed at least two notorious email spammers.

 

Chuck Norris once bullied Lucy into finally letting Charlie Brown kick that football.

[LaParkaYourCar 0]

When Chuck Norris kicked Jeff Jarrett in the head at Survivor Series '94 he knocked what little talent Jarrett had clean out of him. Jarrett's lucky he wasn't killed.

[Carnival 0]

Chuck Norris gets up early every morning and goes over to Jeff Jarrett's house. Chuck cooks breakfast for Jeff and lets Jeff ejaculate on his face. When asked why he does this, Norris replied. "Well, this is Planet Jarrett, we're all just living on it." As Chuck wiped the semem from his eyes and walked back into the Jarrett house, strains of "My World" could be heard loud and clear while Jeff danced on his couch, fully nude with the NWA World Heavyweight Championship over his shoulder. Another typical day on Planet Jarrett.

[Carnival 0]

Double Post Penetration

[Mik 0]

It's a little known fact that F. Scott Fitzgerald did not actually die from drugs and alcohol, but a roundhouse kick as a result of Chuck Norris finding "The Great Gatsby" pretentious.

[Red Baron 0]

The Germans did not break the Berlin Wall, Chuck Norris did with a roundhouse kick.

[The Amazing Rando 0]

Chuck Norris once went back in time and accidentally roundhouse kicked a butterfly. The result was New Kids On The Block.

[Star Ocean 3 0]

Chuck Norris ate an entire pizza with two hands tied behind his back. Then he regurgitated an exact copy of the country Italy.

 

When Neil Armstrong uttered "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." on the moon in 1969, he failed to notice Chuck Norris sitting behind him in a lawnchair, a beer in hand, until Chuck Norris gave Armstrong a swift roundhouse kick to the face. Armstrong never returned.

 

Chuck Norris once visited the great northwestern redwood forests and had his penis mistaken by a tour guide for a giant sequoia.

 

Will Smith is merely a figment of Chuck Norris' imagination.

 

The Titanic would not have sunk if Chuck Norris was on board.

 

The government called upon Chuck Norris to destroy an asteroid the size of Texas. Chuck Norris rode on top of rocket with nothing but a fork and a cherry bomb. Needless to say the asteroid lost.

 

When Chuck Norris was denied a McGriddle at McDonalds because it was 10:35, He roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

 

Chuck Norris once hit someone so hard that he created a hole in the 5th dimension. He then went back in time through the hole and tried to save the dinosaurs from becoming extinct. He saved a few of the dinosaurs by carrying them on his back through the time portal. The dinosaurs he saved starred in all three of the Jurassic Park movies.

 

Chuck Norris wrote the bible, as a joke to the world... but no one got it.

 

The story of Paul Bunyan and his blue ox, is based on the true story of Chuck Norris and his throbing penis.

 

Chuck Norris is in the Guinness Book of World Records for getting the most blow jobs in one day. 756.

 

New Years Eve 1998, Chuck Norris and I were at a party, when the clock struck twelve, instead of kissing someone, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked everyone at the party. He then proceeded to roundhouse kick everyone on the street, and the whole city. He has been doing this ever since.

 

Chuck Norris had to go back in time and sleep with his own mother. Why? Because only the seed of Chuck Norris was able to make someone as perfect as Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris' beard is actually made of Velcro. He uses it to trap low flying bats.

 

Chuck Norris' left testicle is comprised entirely of beef jerky. Teriyaki style.

 

When Chuck Norris has a good idea he kicks over a forklift carrying a pallet of light bulbs.

 

Chuck Norris once saved a baby rolling into the street when the stroller got away from the baby's mom. Then he banged the mom and the baby.

[Ravenbomb 0]

Chuck Norris was the inspiration for a show on Nickelodeon in '92

[Art Sandusky 0]

This thread turned painful in a hurry.

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I agree.

[Red Baron 0]

Chuck Norris doesn't need the Total Gym. The Total Gym needs Chuck Norris.

[Guest Duke_The_Dog]

This thread turned painful in a hurry.

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I agree.

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I enjoyed the paul bunyan and sequoia jokes.

[Guest Duke_The_Dog]

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

 

Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas

 

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

 

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian

 

Chcuk Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer

 

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

 

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

 

Chuck Norris wrote every single edition of the Choose Your Own Adventure books. He wrote them all under pennames to hide the fact that they are autobiographical.

 

The role of Alf, from the hit 80s TV show of the same name was actually played by Chuck Norris' penis.

 

Chuck Norris commands all five lions of Voltron simultaneously.

 

After reading the Letters to the Editor in his local newspaper, Chuck Norris became enraged at the fact that Richard Dean Anderson was considered sexier by women in the coveted 65+ demographic. To increase his sex appeal to older women, Chuck Norris tried to build a Missle Defense System out of a tube of chapstick, six rubber bands, a spork from KFC and a copy of Sports by Huey Lewis and the News. This soon became the prototype for the Total Body Gym Workout Machine.

[Xavier Cromartie 0]

Chuck Norris won first prize in Monopoly's beauty contest

[Gary Floyd 0]

Chuck Norris actually took initiative in creating the internet. When Al Gore said that it was him, Chuck gave him a roundhouse kick. Suprisingly, Gore survived, but he was paralyzed. To add insult to injury, Chuck then fucked Tipper up the ass in front of Al. She loved every second of it.

[Adam 0]

Chuck Norris invented Nova.

[LaParkaYourCar 0]

One of Chuck Norris's Roundhouse kicks caused both Hurricane Katrina and Hurricane Rita. When some people complained about the destruction he caused he Roundhouse kicked them causing Hurricane Wilma.

 

Yeah I'm gonna catch crap for that one.

[Guest Duke_The_Dog]

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

 

In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

 

Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

 

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

 

Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

 

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*ck down.

 

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

 

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

 

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

 

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

 

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

 

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

 

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

 

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

 

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

 

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

 

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

 

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.