PROMO: A Maddix Christmas Carol

[King Cucaracha 0]

"MERRY CHRISTMAS!!"

 

Confetti bursts into the air like a very mild firework, rustling past the airplane window as it falls gently to the ground around JJ Johnson's feet. A big smile fills the Cruiserweight Champion as he basks in the one-man appreciation society that is the still International Champion, Jay Hawke. Hawke throws some more confetti and JJ gives some more smile, before the enthusiasm washes out of them. All thanks to one, solitary groan.

 

Unwilling to join in with the celebrations, the sullen figure of Landon Maddix sits huddled in the plane seat behind. As his partner's careers continued to go from strength to strength on this, Ramadominationing night, Landon's feel to a new low. Beaten. Cleanly. By Max King. With his own Crash Landon finishing move. His reaction to the celebration is understandable, considering his recent winless run. His LOOOONG winless run. His black hole, no light at the end of the tunnel in sight, winless run. His only consolation was the bottle of strong malt whiskey he'd been given as an early present by Hawke and that's been confiscated from him. Or, at least, what was left of it.

 

"Uuuuggggghhhhh." groans Maddix, hanging his head between his knees despairingly.

 

"Well, this should be one hell of a Christmas." Hawke groans with equalling despair, turning around to the seats behind him. "Sounds like SOMEBODY isn't in the Christmas spirit, doesn't it JJ?"

 

*Agreeing grunt*

 

"Of course I'm not in the frikkin' Christmas spirit!" snaps Landon, sitting bolt upright which startles the poor sap who got the plane ticket next to Maddix's. "I haven't won a match for months! I'm on the biggest losing streak in my career! And I just got beat 1, 2, 3 with a move that I invented that I can't even use anymore, because YOU say it's too risky! So, no, I'm not in the Christmas spirit Jay. And I swear, if you mention the word 'Kingmas', I'm gonna swing for you."

 

"Kingmas?"

 

"Nevermind. Look, I'm not in the mood. I'm not in the mood for any of it. Fuck Christmas. Fuck the Christmas lights. Fuck the Christmas trees. Fuck mince pies. Fuck turkey. Fuck those little sausages wrapped in bacon. Fuck 'Jingle All The Way'. Fuck those stupid little Snowman that you squeeze the hand of and they sing 'It'll Be Lonely This Christmas', because I already bloody KNOW that! And fuck the entire commercialised holiday straight back to the stone ages, because I don't want to know!!"

 

...

 

"I knew we shouldn't have got him that whiskey." sighs Hawke, as he turns back and goes back to the in-flight movie. Unfortunately, it happens to be Home Alone 5, starring Wes Davenport and that bratty kid from The Cat In The Hat. Cruel irony, you might say, for Jay who beat the movie's star early in the day. Irony, maybe...cruel, certainly. Which is probably why JJ Johnson is preferring to stare out of the window rather than watch it.

 

Meanwhile, back in the row behind, Landon Maddix is no more enthralled with the movie. Contrived, ridiculous slapstick, poor acting, suspension of disbelief. And that's just Landon's SJL career. LOL2005~! Sitting back in his seat, Maddix lies back and sighs. Another night, another loss. This is beginning to get old. Real old. He's lucky Jay and JJ were even able to get him on the plane, considering how much he drunk on the car ride over. It's been a long night. It's going to be an even longer flight. At least the pillows are comfortable. Mmm...very comfortable...

 

 

***********************

 

Stirring, Maddix's eyes slowly open...and, much to his surprise, his plane seat has disappeared. And, instead, he's lying safely in a bed. Maddix doesn't know how he's got here...he doesn't even know who's bed it is. But hey, who cares? He's hungover and needs sleep, so who is he to complain? Lying back, Maddix smiles groggily as he fluffs up his pillows and prepares for a little more beauty sleep...

 

 

"Hello!"

 

"AAH!" yelps Maddix, sitting up with a start as he looks around. Checking under the covers, Maddix is relieved to find that he's alone.

 

 

Except for a very pale, almost translucent Alan Clark standing beside the bed.

 

"YOU!?! What the HELL are YOU doing here!?!" Maddix yells as he scrambles out of bed, luckily clothed, grabbing a pillow for a weapon. "Where am I!?! How did I get here!?! What have you done to me!?!"

 

"Done with the questions yet?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Good. IIIIII am the Ghost of Christmas Past!"

 

Maddix groans, sitting back down on the bed.

 

"Oh God. How many dumb gimmicks is this now Alan?"

 

"It's...not a gimmick. IIIIII'm the Ghost of Christmas Past and I'm her..."

 

"Wait a minute...Ghost? You're DEAD!?!"

 

"Well, for all intents and purposes."

 

...

 

"IIIIII'm the Ghost of Christmas Past! And I am here to...uhm...I forget exactly why. I was supposed to research all this, but they gave me the wrong damn Muppets movie. I think it has something to do with teaching you the error of your ways, or something. I heard you on the airplane and I must say, your attitude to Christmas appalled me, Scroogearacha."

 

"Scroogearacha?"

 

"What's changed? You used to be such a happy person Landon, you used to enjoy Christmas. Do you remember all those happy Christmases you spent with your family Landon? I remember when you were five years old and you got your first bicycle. Or when you were six and you finally learnt to ride it. See, I did to some research. Tell you what, let's go back to happier times shall we?"

 

"Are there going to be any loud noises? It's just, I kinda drunk a lot last night and I'm feeling a little delicate, what with the flying and th..."

 

 

*WHOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSHHH!!*

 

 

As if by magic, it's Christmas(ish) 2004, Slay Ride and we are in the Xcel Center in St. Paul, Minnesota. Or, more specifically, we are up in the rafters. Maddix, grimacing from the loud whoosh that just rattled his brains, looks over the rafters carefully and his eyes widen. Because, there he is. Wrestling Toxxic. Maddix is rightfully confused, what with being in two places at the same time and all and he looks to Clark in his confusion. Smiling, Alan shrugs. Even if he knew exactly how to explain, Maddix wouldn't believe it. So, why bother.

 

"So, Landon, welcome to Christmas past. As you can se..."

 

"Woah, wait wait. I do something really cool here."

 

A sound of bodies slamming into the mat echoes through the air, accompanied by a loud roar from the crowd.

 

"HAHA! TAKE THAT YOU LIMEY BASTARD!!"

 

"He can't hear you."

 

"Uh...yeah, I knew that...I just thought it needed to be said. So, what's the deal Bloodshed?"

 

"Alan."

 

"Whatever."

 

"This is Christmas past Landon. Just one year ago. You're here, wrestling Toxxic, in front of your fans. YOUR..FANS. Landon, look around. Look at all these people. They're here for you. They love you. Every single one of them came to this event to see you wrest the SWF World Heavyweight Championship away from Toxxic's grasp. And you did it. You won the World Championship, the happiest moment of your life, the proudest moment of your life. You celebrated with your fans. You celebrated with your friends. Me. Todd Cortez. Your manager, Megan Skye. Where did it all go Landon?"

 

Landon isn't paying attention, too busy cheering himself on, obviously forgetting that not only does he KNOW the result but that he was INVOLVED in it.

 

"You had it all just one year ago and now, it's all gone. Landon, your attitude is the only thing to blame. Because of the way you are, you lost your fans, your belt, your friends and your manager. You are to blame. Do you realise where I'm going with this?"

 

"I've got friends."

 

"Yeah...and they're better than you. They pity you Landon...they pity you. They look down on you. Talk about your falls from grace."

 

"Says the dead guy who's dressed like Queen Victoria."

 

Suddenly, a LOUD pop goes up. Landon peers over the edge again...he's just won the World Title. Seeing that career defining moment from this viewpoint brings fond memories flooding back to Landon, teemed with bitterness from his recent disappointments. This was the greatest moment of his life. And he has lost it all. Clark is right. Which of those three is more gut-wrenching is up to your imagination.

 

"I think you've seen enough. I'm gonna pass you to two of my friends now...The Ghosts of Christmas Present. You might want to take these before you get there."

 

Alan holds out his hand, giving Maddix a handful of aspirin.

 

 

*WHOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSHHH!!*

 

 

And, as if by more Christmas magic, Maddix finds himself in a new location. And unfortunately for his throbbing head, it's right in the middle of a gameshow set. Maddix leans over his podium, squinting from the lights and the crappy yet catching theme tune, ready to puke. But there's no time for that, as come your hosts.

 

Yep.

 

Quiz and Show

 

"Welcome to the show!" announces Quix with a cheesy grin, to what sounds like piped in applause. "Tonight's contestant is Landon Maddix from Madrid, Spain and/or Huron, South Dakota. Landon, welcome. Your starter for $10, is under the category 'The Various Forms Of Technical Wrestling'. Which parts of the body does the hold the 'Stretch Plum' focus upon?"

 

"Wha'? Uh...I..."

 

"I'm sorry..." interjects Show. "...but you are out of time. The correct answer was infact the neck and the shoulder. What is the alternative name for a 'Kimura'?"

 

"A wha..."

 

"I'm sorry." Quiz interrupts. "The answer we were looking for was a 'keylock arm submission', or an answer to that extent. In what arena did Kenta Kobashi defeat Kensuki Sasaki in their most recent match?"

 

"Kent..."

 

"Who popularised the Buffalo Sleeper?"

 

"Never heard of i..."

 

"What is the 'Jim Breaks Special'?"

 

"Th..."

 

"Name 3 variations of the top wristlock."

 

"What a..."

 

"How do you escape the Stranglehold Γ?"

 

"STOP IIIIT!!!! STOP STOP STOP! STOP IT! I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOOOOWWWW!!!"

 

...

 

"Landon Maddix, thank you for playing. Let's have a look at our leaderboard."

 

-LEADERBOARD~!-

TOM FLESHER- 78

DANNY WILLIAMS- 65

JAY HAWKE- 59

]JJ JOHNSON- 56

TOXXIC- 1

LANDON MADDIX- 0

 

"Thank you for watching, we now return you to your scheduled programme..."

 

 

*WHOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSHHH!!*

 

 

The nightmare is over...or, at least that particular one...as Landon is back in his bed. And relieved to be there. Relieved, until he realises his own personal Ghost of Christmas Past is back.

 

"IIIIII am the Ghost of Christmas Past!"

 

"Yeah yeah, enough with the Ghost of whatsit schtick Clark. I've had enough of this, lemme get some sleep."

 

"But, there's still one more Ghost."

 

"I don't care."

 

"But, we shipped in Matt Myers especially."

 

"I said I don't care!"

 

"No! You can't be completely cured until you've gone through each of the three stages. Besides, it'd be a bit of a crock if we ended the story a Ghost early. No, you're coming with me."

 

"You? But, you're the Ghost of Christmas Past!, right?"

 

"Hey, if I can enter the Clusterfuck with two different gimmicks, I can be the Ghost of Christmas Past and the Ghost of Christmas Future..."

 

Clark reaches into his pocket, and with some FESTIVE CHRISTMAS MAGIC~! pulls out a new hat.

 

 

*WHOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSHHH!!*

 

 

"More wine?"

 

Smiling broadly, Todd Cortez leans over the lavish table, making sure not to knock over any of his tasteful decorations as he tops up Megan Skye's wine glass. Megan is dressed to the nines in a flowing black dress, some very expensive earrings and seems equally as festive as Cortez, who's also gone to the effort of wearing some a little more business-casual for the dinner. Soft, Christmasy music plays in the background.

 

"You're not trying to get me drunk, are you?" smiles Megan sweetly.

 

"Not yet."

 

The two share an uncharacteristic guffaw of a laugh that rattles through the long hallways of their glorious mansion before clanking their wine glasses together in a toast. Megan takes a sip of her red wine, as meanwhile, Cortez reaches into his pocket, producing a small jewellery box. Clasping a hand over her mouth, Megan is already prepared to bawl her eyes out, as Cortez drops to one knee...

 

 

"NO! YOU BASTARD, I'LL RIP YOUR STINKING HEAD OFF!!!"

 

"Landon, they can't hear you. Besides, this isn't really happening."

 

"Good..."

 

"Yet."

 

"..."

 

"This is Christmas Future, Landon. If you carry on the way you are, this could be the future. You virtually drove Megan and Todd into each other's arms with the way you acted. Unless you change your ways, you will continue to drive everyone away from you. Eventually, you'll do to Jay Hawke and JJ Johnson what you did to Megan and Todd."

 

"JJ and Jay are going to fall madly in love? Huh, didn't see that one coming."

 

"...Landon, when I first met you, you were happy. Look at you now. You need to change."

 

"Yeah?"

 

"You need to go back to the way you were, in the SJL, having fun, enjoying yourself."

 

"Yeah."

 

"You need to be the Landon Maddix that ruled over the SJL!"

 

"Yeah!"

 

"You need to be the Landon who dressed up like a Frenchman and hit people over the head with baguettes!!"

 

"...too far. But, I liked the other stuff. You know what, for the first time in your life, you're making sense Alan. I need to go back to my roots! And I know just how..."

 

Maddix reaches forward, vehemently shaking Alan's hand.

 

"Thank you Alan! Thank you, you've made me see the error of my ways! You truely are the King of Kings...more-or-less. I don't know how much those Disney guys paid you to do this, but thank you, truely thank you!"

 

"Landon?"

 

"Yes..."

 

"One more thing."

 

"What?"

 

"BOO!!"

 

 

***********************

 

 

"BOO!!"

 

Stirring, Maddix's eyes slowly open...and, much to his surprise, his plane seat has re-appeared. Yes, he's back in the plane. It was all a dream.

 

"Told you that'd wake him up." smiles JJ Johnson, standing over Landon with a smile on his face.

 

"C'mon Landon, we're here." Hawke buts in, hauling Landon out of his seat and dragging him towards the open door of the landed airplane. Despite being dragged around by his grumpy, jetlagged partner, Maddix is in high spirits, beaming from ear to ear.

 

"Guys, you'll never guess, I just had the most wonderful dream!"

 

"We've told you before...she's with Cortez now, and the other one is involved with Wildchild. It ain't gonna happen."

 

"No, no. It wasn't that dream this time. I dreamt about Alan Clark..."

 

JJ and Jay exchange a worried look, positioning themselves safely behind Landon, as opposed to rearside on.

 

"...not like THAT! He was a Ghost!"

 

"I thought that was Todd Cortez?"

 

"...No. Not THAT Ghost! Look, it was wonderful! I went on a gameshow and I won the SWF World Title and I wen..."

 

"Landon, that was Toxxic." sighs Hawke. "You beat Toxxic for the SWF World Title. You beat Alan for the SJL World Title. I think you've had a little too much of that whiskey we got you. C'mon, let's go find a hotel and you can sleep until you start making some more sense."

 

"But, guys, I..."

 

Thinking, Landon stops. Having second thoughts, he realises that not only would Jay and JJ not believe him about the dream, but they wouldn't be happy about the conclusion even if they did. No. They must never find out about this. This'll just be his little secret. His and Alan Clark's. And those other guys, I guess. But Hawke and JJ can't know. Ever.

 

"...Nevermind."

[The Amazing Rando 0]

I'm still (somewhat) loved!

 

And that was awesome all around. I love being a deliciously over-excited annoying prick.

[Toxxic 0]

*bookmarks it for future Comedy Moment Of The Year Awards*

 

Landon, this is supremely awesome.

[devo 0]

Fanfuckingtastic. Wonderful stuff, Landon.

[muzz 0]

My god.

 

HE'S A FUCKING GOOD ACTOR, READ THE FUCKING STATS.

[muzz 0]

I just realised that doesn't sound as playful as it was supposed to be.

 

Funny promo, a throw back to some of old.

[JHawk 0]

My god.

 

HE'S A FUCKING GOOD ACTOR, READ THE FUCKING STATS.

 

In fairness, I never said he was a bad actor. I did miss that he was an indy wrestler, but I never called Wes a bad actor. I don't think.

 

 

"This is Christmas Future, Landon. If you carry on the way you are, this could be the future. You virtually drove Megan and Todd into each other's arms with the way you acted. Unless you change your ways, you will continue to drive everyone away from you. Eventually, you'll do to Jay Hawke and JJ Johnson what you did to Megan and Todd."

 

"JJ and Jay are going to fall madly in love? Huh, didn't see that one coming."

 

Line of the fucking year!

[King Cucaracha 0]

Funny promo, a throw back to some of old.

 

Well, you can thank whoever(s) wrote the Blazenwing match for making me write something less serious for a change.

 

My god.

 

HE'S A FUCKING GOOD ACTOR, READ THE FUCKING STATS.

 

No actor could make one of the Home Alone trilogy (at least, I think it's a trilogy) watchable. No-one.

[The Ill One 0]

"Yeah, the one about the kid, by himself in his house, burglars trying to get in and he fights them off? I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit." (Y)~!

[JHawk 0]

I can't wait for Home Alone 6: Foster Home Alone.