A look at cheating through the ages

[Lil' Bitch 0]

If most of us would ambush our integrity for a Klondike bar, imagine how twisted we might become for a shot at winning the Tour de France.

 

What level of personal protocol would you sacrifice to be the world's fastest human?

 

Thanks to the predicaments of cyclist Floyd Landis and sprinter Justin Gatlin, a culture of alleged cheating may have reached critical mess.

 

But breaking the rules is not unprecedented.

 

And it's not the exclusive province of sports.

 

Our first trot back into this disturbing history leads us to former President Bill Clinton, who — after cheating on his diet — admitted to improper involvement with Monica Lewinsky. When the dust settled on that one, Clinton had assisted in upgrading both the power of forgiveness and the popularity of the cigar.

 

The sports world has a rich and disparate history of improper deeds that can be traced back Og the caveman, who — in an effort to put a pristine and illegal edge on his primitive bat — unwittingly invented fire.

 

A couple of years after Og retired (in shame), Major League Baseball became the cheating playground of right-handed pitcher Gaylord Perry. Perry, who spent most of his career with the San Francisco Giants, reached the Hall of Fame by posting 314 victories.

 

Many of these victories were assisted by Perry's use of a performance-enhancing substance. That substance was spit.

 

Gaylord established a level of public expectorate production that was unmatched until the Pittsburgh Steelers hired Bill Cowher.

 

Gaylord Perry was so comfortable with his cheating ways, he even made mention of them in the title of his autobiography -- Me and the Spitter.

 

Perry's celebrated days in baseball were chronicled in a book that offered the lovely title Me and the Spitter.

 

Gaylord also admitted to approaching the slippery folks at Vaseline for work as corporate pitch man, but was rejected. However, he always will be remembered as an important founding father of a pitch known as the spit-fingered fastball.

 

With Gaylord Perry established as something of a patron saint among cheaters, I've come up with a few more modern-era athletes and incidents that deserve your consideration:

 

# Rosie Ruiz: Rosie ran into the national spotlight by finishing first among women during the 1980 Boston Marathon.

 

Unfortunately, Ruiz didn't bother to join the race until the final mile. This means that instead of battling Heartbreak Hill, Rosie's biggest Boston challenge was Heartbreak Curb.

 

Rosie's legitimacy became an issue when — moments after crossing the finish line — a pack of Marlboros fell out of her sock.

 

# Ben Johnson: In 1987, the Canadian sprinter checked in as the world's fastest human by covering 100 meters (on foot) in 9.88 seconds.

 

The following year, he lowered this time to 9.79 while defeating American Carl Lewis in the Olympic 100. Please note that for several years, Lewis sort of cheated in the 100 and long jump by refusing to lose his unreasonably aerodynamic hairstyle.

 

Anyway, Johnson tested positive for anabolic steroids and was stripped of his titles. According to track and field insiders, Ben's equine-caliber speed first came into question soon after he developed the ability to sleep while standing up.

 

# Jose Canseco: Jose flew past Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi and Sammy Sosa on baseball's steroid radar by outing the entire horsehide world in his book, Juiced.

 

By the way, due to experience with body-altering substances on film, actor Eric Bana reportedly is Canseco's first choice to star as "adult Jose" in the movie.

 

Jose Canseco not only admitted to cheating himself, he implicated several of baseball's biggest names.

 

While pointing fingers and naming names, Jose admitted to using large quantities of anabolic steroids in his effort to become a baseball superstar. It worked.

 

The benign side effects were egomania and insanity. For example, Canseco claimed that while chemically enhanced, he was able to cover 40 yards (on foot) in, I think, two seconds.

 

# Danny Almonte: In 2001, Almonte pitched his Bronx team to third place in the Little League World Series at Williamsport, Pa.

 

This finish was disputed and then invalidated after it was learned that Danny was 32 years old.

 

OK, it was more like 14, which was two years older than his oldest opponents.

 

It should be noted that the adults associated with Danny and this team actually did the cheating; young Almonte, who didn't speak English at the time, was just taking the mound when the adults told him to.

 

Little League insiders first became suspicious of Danny when opposing hitters started losing the ball in his five-o'clock shadow.

 

# Jeffrey Maier: Jeffrey became a big star in New York during Game 1 of the 1996 American League Championship Series.

 

Maier, then 12 years old, reached this celebrity status by leaning over the right-field fence at Yankee Stadium to snag a fly ball hit by Derek Jeter. Based on replay evidence, Jeffrey's grab prevented an almost certain catch by Baltimore Orioles right fielder Tony Tarasco.

 

Ironically, Maier — who played ball in high school and college — reportedly was on the draft radar of the Orioles. According to baseball sources, the Orioles passed when it was revealed that Jeffrey didn't require an excessive signing bonus.

 

# Reggie Bush: The 2005 Heisman Trophy winner made this list by getting away with illegally assisting a game-winning touchdown lunge of USC teammate Matt Leinart. With a push from behind by running back Bush, quarterback Leinart was able to barge into the end zone and wreck Notre Dame's upset bid.

 

Leinart required this assistance because his cleats were snagged in the 10-foot-high grass at Notre Dame Stadium.

 

# Sammy Sosa: Sammy, who also qualified for the honorable-mention list as a suspected steroid aficionado, deserves this nod for corking his bat.

 

Sosa was exposed when the barrel of his bat shattered, allowing the cork to escape much like an extraterrestrial fetus ripping through the chest of an earthling in the film Alien.

 

# Dick Ericson, former Metrodome superintendent: According to published reports, this nominee allegedly attempted to assist the Minnesota Twins by adjusting the venue's ventilation system. In theory, a fly ball launched by a Twin would reach the artificial jet stream and be carried over the venue's outfield trash bags.

 

This may also explain why — after not missing an attempt the entire season — Vikings kicker Gary Anderson blew a game-wrecking field-goal try during the 1999 playoffs.

 

# Michael Jordan: The greatest player in basketball history assisted his legacy by pushing off Utah Jazz forward Bryon Russell just prior to launching the series-clinching shot in 1998 NBA Finals. Several weeks later, Jordan retired as a six-time champion with the Chicago Bulls.

 

Unfortunately, Jordan pushed out of retirement and cheated that legacy.

 

By Randy Hill of FoxSports.com

[the max 0]

It would have been a good article had he not tried so hard to be funny.

[megaadvice 0]

Where is the mention of the hand of God in 1986, they have missed lots of the most famous bits of sporting cheating.

 

Poor.

[Guest]

I like how they throw Michael Jordan, Maier and Bush in the article without prefacing that all of those things that they did are common practices.

[EVIL~! alkeiper 0]

That connection to Bill Clinton is the worst comparison I've seen a writer make in quite sometime. Again, this is poor. I mean, how about the 1890s Baltimore Orioles? How about Babe Ruth and his corked bat? How about suspicions that cyclists doped in the 1920s? There's a ton of stuff to go into if you're going to take the historical route. Poor, poor effort.

[Vern Gagne 0]

Cyclist doped in the 20's? With what.

[Guest Smues]

The "jokes" in that article are really bad. Really really bad.

[snuffbox 0]

He forgot about Jack Dempsey's horseshoe.

[Adam 0]

It would have been a good article had he not tried so hard to be funny.

My first thought as well.

[HarleyQuinn 0]

Cyclist doped in the 20's? With what.

 

IIRC, they doped using horse tranquilizers before moving onto other means. May have also included caffeine pills or some degenerative akin to an upper.

[Special K 0]

Gaylord Perry was so comfortable with his cheating ways, he even made mention of them in the title of his autobiography -- Me and the Spitter.

 

Perry's celebrated days in baseball were chronicled in a book that offered the lovely title Me and the Spitter.

 

Not only are the jokes just awful, but apparently he can't proofread.

 

It would have been a good article had he not tried so hard to be funny.

 

No.

 

He wrote 5 paragraphs that amounted to: Gaylord Perry threw spitballs (No WAY!). I never stretched that hard for an essay in college.

 

Worse, all these things are common knowledge, he offers absolutely no insight. So this article is not funny, informative, or at least opinionated. It's just shit.