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Guest Felonies!
Posted

She looks like a man! SHE IS A MAN. Transsexuals are the fastest growing segment of consumers. They buy and shop for two!

Posted
Some stock lines have been around since the age of vaudeville, yet still work because audiences haven't heard them. But again that doesn't mean you should do it just because it gets a yuk. The following are old lines in the public domain that are undeniably hack.

 

* (An overweight comic) Let me move the mic stand so you can see me better.

* (A waitress drops something) "Just put that anywhere." "Keep drinking folks, because the more you drink the funnier the show gets."

* (point to the microphone) "There's a reason they don't give these things out at the door, pal!"

* "Hey, I don't come to where you work and knock the gas pumps out of your hands (or french fries, or dicks out of your mouth, etc.)!

* "Hey I remember my first beer!"

* "Where'd you learn to whisper? A rock concert? In a helicopter? Or some other place where whispering wouldn't be very effective!"

* "How many of you rent Pornography?" (No one answers) "Yeah, a five billion dollar a year industry and I'm the only one!"

* "I'm available for Children's Parties!" (Yeah, you and a thousand other comics who think they're shocking.)

* "Excuse me, am I interrupting your conversation with my act?"

Guest Felonies!
Posted

But now look. A wall of nothing but hardcore gay anal sex. If that doesn't bring a tear to your eye, then you're the one who's inhuman.

Posted

Since I've never seen Mr. Show at all, and I remember reading the Hack FAQ many many years ago, any time I hear that "slap the dicks out of your mouth" line, I think of the FAQ

Guest Felonies!
Posted

"What's on the funny video show?"

"A man taunts a goat, a dog wears a toupee, a bird thinks it's a dog, and Baby Loves Headrub!"

 

Can I say something here? Todd, you're also hurting. Believe me, I'd know. I'm seven feet tall.

Guest Felonies!
Posted

All these goats are retarded. Did you know that goats are the only animals with an innate sense of democracy? That's why they're called Nature's Presidents.

Guest Agent of Oblivion
Posted

Czech's avatar looks like if Randy Quaid became a televangelist and was having a bad trip.

Guest Felonies!
Posted

I'm a superstar, in a superstar machine! TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS Emotion Lotion!

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