Ask Kinetic

[Guest Cancer Marney]

No excuse. My girlfriend's from Canada, and she's only slow when she knows I'll like it.

 

The conversation is from season 4 of the X-Files, episode 7: Musings of a Cigarette-Smoking Man.

[Guest godthedog]

when did they start calling him cigarette-smoking man & stop calling him cancer man, anyway? 'cancer man' sounds so much cooler.

[Your Paragon of Virtue 0]

Indeed it does.

 

I guess the conversation doesn't make me slow, but in turn it explains how she knew I didn't watch X-Files. I've watched an episode here or there, but very few are ones that I actually remember. There was one about some guy with a tail, and how he impregnated all these other women giving them babies wih tails. That was weird.

[Guest Spaceman Spiff]

Slow boy.

 

"Internationally, Bosnia and Herzegovina is set for a February vote on independence from Yugoslavia."

"America couldn't care less."

"I'm working on next month's Oscar nominations. Any preference?"

"I couldn't care less. What I don't want to see is the Bills winning the Super Bowl. As long as I'm alive, that doesn't happen."

"Could be tough, sir. Buffalo wants it bad."

"So did the Soviets in '80."

"What are you saying, you rigged the Olympic hockey game?

"What's the matter? Don't you believe in miracles?"

And that's the reason I mark for CSM. He's my ::sniff:: hero

 

::single tear streams down face::

[Guest Cancer Marney]

when did they start calling him cigarette-smoking man & stop calling him cancer man, anyway?  'cancer man' sounds so much cooler.

He's only called "the cigarette-smoking man" in the credits, but that's always been his "official" name. On the show he's always "cancer man," "cigarette man," "smoking man," or "that black-lunged bastard."

 

- CSG

[Guest LooseCannon]

Dear Kinetic,

 

Forgive my error in seeking the wisdom of others before coming here. I was unsure of the decorum associated with reviving this thread, and suffered under the misapprehension that one "ask so and so" thread was as good as any other. I know now that this is not the case. Those other threads are the work of straw men doing a pale imitation with only their mediocre minds to guide the substance of their inevitably bland and poorly thought out answers. But I digress. Please, if you will...

 

Why is there that stupid "i" before "e" rule, when it hardly ever works? This has been bothering me for some time. It's soooo weird.

 

Now go ahead and entertain me.

[Guest DeputyHawk]

dear kinetic,

just read your top 17 albums of all time list in the archives. fantastic list, but two questions. 1)have you between then and now come into possession of astral weeks by van morrison, without a shadow of a doubt the best album ever recorded, and 2)as an obvious dylan mark why are his two greatest lp's, highway 61 and freewheelin' not on the list? that is all. i'd slide some doors and early r.e.m. in there as well, but that's just me.

[Guest Incandenza]

Kinetic--Now that Leena took her ball and went home, are you prepared to resume your rightful place that the top of "Ask ______" throne?

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

I haven't started MINE yet. I was about to until I saw that this one was bumped.

 

Fo sheez,

Kotzenjunge

[Guest Kinetic]

Dear Kinetic,

 

Forgive my error in seeking the wisdom of others before coming here. I was unsure of the decorum associated with reviving this thread, and suffered under the misapprehension that one "ask so and so" thread was as good as any other. I know now that this is not the case. Those other threads are the work of straw men doing a pale imitation with only their mediocre minds to guide the substance of their inevitably bland and poorly thought out answers. But I digress. Please, if you will...

 

Why is there that stupid "i" before "e" rule, when it hardly ever works? This has been bothering me for some time. It's soooo weird.

 

Now go ahead and entertain me.

Asking me to entertain is a recipe for disaster, as I usually work best when no one assumes that I'm going to be funny. It's unfortunate that there's no emoticon for ::staring at the wall for ten minutes, hoping for some sort of divine inspiration:: because that's exactly what I've just done. All right...here we go...

 

I find that the "i" before "e" rule works more often than not. I use it quite a bit, actually, because there are some words that I still can't spell properly without really thinking about it. What's worse is any time "o" and "u" appear in close proximity to each other, such as in "vogue." I go out of my way to avoid using those words because I fear nothing more than looking stupid. Avoiding a few fairly common words is similar to the time when the "e" key on my keyboard got all fucked up, except less of a horrible adventure. Do you realize how difficult it is to avoid the letter "e"? I ended up sounding like a complete idiot and had to go to really ridiculous lengths to phrase even the simplest thing. Not good times.

 

But, yeah, I'm not sure what you're talking about. "I" before "e" except after "c" is sound as a pound most of the time.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Established people can sound stupid? Surely you speak of your non-Established days.

 

Fo sheez,

Kotzenjunge

 

EDIT: Also, did you see Jeff's lame attempt to end the thread about him sucking?

[Guest Kinetic]

dear kinetic,

just read your top 17 albums of all time list in the archives. fantastic list, but two questions. 1)have you between then and now come into possession of astral weeks by van morrison, without a shadow of a doubt the best album ever recorded, and 2)as an obvious dylan mark why are his two greatest lp's, highway 61 and freewheelin' not on the list? that is all. i'd slide some doors and early r.e.m. in there as well, but that's just me.

A few things about that list: First of all, I didn't want to write it. I felt obligated to contribute something to the site but didn't want to put any real effort into it, so I decided to make a list. I was actually just going to put the album title and its cover up there until Goodhelmet threatened me with castration if I didn't write up brief summaries. Secondly, I got kind of mixed up in compiling it because I wanted to make a list of my favorite albums but ended up making a few concessions to popular opinion. For instance, I like Get Happy! loads more than My Aim Is True but felt compelled to have the latter represent Costello on the list just because it's generally cited as his best album. I regret that. I also regret putting Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain on the list because there are probably fifty albums in my collection that I like more than that. And the Cohen greatest hits album got in because I happened to be listening to that a lot at the time. The top five or so is pretty much set and I've noted those albums as being my favorite numerous times on this board. Anything above that is just kind of an "approximate" thing, although I suspect that to be true with any "best" list. In any case...

 

I haven't picked up Astral Weeks but I have read a really laudatory Lester Bangs review of it that made me want to. I will eventually, although my cash flow is about to cease for a while. And, personally, I prefer the other two albums from Dylan's mid sixties speed haze to Highway 61 Revisited. It definitely has its fair share of excellent songs but the filler is a little more obvious than I'd like. Still a good album, but not one of my favorites. I'd put John Wesley Harding above that. Freewheelin' is another one that I enjoy a lot of--especially "Girl From the North Country" and "Don't Think Twice, It's Alright"--but with certain songs that I don't particularly enjoy. I'm not really a folk music buff, so songs like "Oxford Town" irk me slightly. For the intended purpose of the list, my Dylan inclusions were spot-on. Blonde on Blonde above all others with Blood on the Tracks and Bringing It All Back Home in close contention.

 

I actually directed a coworker to that list to give him an idea of what I listen to, since I have such a horrible time answering that question in casual conversation. His response: "Yeah, I read it. I don't know. I'm not really a big Bob Marley fan." True story.

[Guest Kinetic]

Kinetic--Now that Leena took her ball and went home, are you prepared to resume your rightful place that the top of "Ask ______" throne?

I never left, as far as I'm concerned. The only one that posed any sort of threat was "Ask Metal Ed" and I really didn't find it that threatening for one fairly obvious reason. Dames' thread is all right, even though I disagree with his policy of actually answering the questions rather than perverting them to fit whatever joke he wants to make. Alina's thread had such potential, as a fresh female perspective on various things would be interesting to hear on this board. Unfortunately--whether it was due to bad questions or some sort of character flaw--the thread never really got off the ground. Any other "Ask ____" threads on this board were either completely unnotable or happened so long ago that I've forgotten about them. Either way, I'm the Q&A master around these parts.

[Guest Kinetic]

EDIT: Also, did you see Jeff's lame attempt to end the thread about him sucking?

I did. "DJ Jeff" and "lame" are so synonymous with each other that it didn't surprise me. I had an idea where he'd lend his username to someone who isn't an incompetent dork and allow him or her to say all sorts of outlandish things Jeff would never think of, thus completely changing the perception of him around here and making for something fairly entertaining. Then I decided it really wasn't worth the hassle.

[Guest MrRant]

How do you feel about my avatar? Do you think that GIR and Invader Zim rule the world?

[Guest Kinetic]

How do you feel about my avatar? Do you think that GIR and Invader Zim rule the world?

I was actually going to mention that your sole contribution to The Establishment thus far has been repeatedly insisting that we bow to your avatar. It seems like a nice wobbly thing, though, even if I have no clue what it is or where it's from. Perhaps "rule the world" is a little strong, but it definitely rules a very small space on my screen.

[Guest MrRant]

I have been working so I haven't been able to contribute. How would you suggest I get rid of customers in a more effective manner as to contribute to the ESTABLISHED~! thread?

[Guest bps "The Truth" 21]

Yes...I have 3 questions for Kinetic...

 

1. Why do the Seahawks suck so much.

 

2. Is it because Mrrant likes them?

 

3. No...really?

[Guest Kinetic]

The Seahawks sucking is a matter of destiny alone. They've almost always sucked and will continue to suck for the foreseeable future, despite Mike Holmgren. The righteous and just Tampa Bay Buccaneers--once the laughing stock of the NFL--have managed to build a team that's always in contention, while the Seahawks have been very consistent in their sucktitude over the same period of time. It's destiny, I tell you.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

I feel that Holmgren was cursed the moment he left Green Bay because he was a whiny bitch and wanted to be GM also, so Seattle was unfortunate to pick him up.

 

Anyways, for a real question, knowing full well that Leena will be back, what do you think her bloody problem is?

 

Fo sheez,

Kotzenjunge

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

I think you answered your own question there, Kotz.

 

*ducks*

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Um, what? Did I miss something I said?

 

(re-reads his post)

 

I still don't get it.

 

Fo sheez,

Kotzenjunge

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Never mind, it's not very funny anyway.

[Guest DeputyHawk]

was there some attempted pms humour going on there?

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Eww, now I get it. It is kinda funny, but when you speak with her as much as I used to compared to the rest of the board, she seriously had a problem beyond PMSing.

 

Fo sheez,

Kotzenjunge

[Zorin Industries 0]

Maybe she needs some 80's loving.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'll just stop talking now.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

was there some attempted pms humour going on there?

Yeah, that's why I trailed off at the end there. Move right along.

[Guest Spaceman Spiff]

Kinetic,

 

Why is Kotz so dense? He didn't get the AoO joke, and he didn't get "butter face" the 1st time I used it.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

He was also unfamiliar with smegma.

[Guest Kinetic]

Kinetic,

 

Why is Kotz so dense? He didn't get the AoO joke, and he didn't get "butter face" the 1st time I used it.

Let me field Kotz's question before this one, actually. Alina's problem is simple: Bitch be trippin. No doubt. And I'm guessing that she doesn't take criticism particularly well. I often have that sort of problem with my underlings at work and my solution usually consists of mercilessly attacking them for being such a pussy. If you can't take a little constructive criticism about your burger-making acumen then you deserve whatever mean things I can think of to say to you. But, yeah, Alina needs to learn to take criticism better or maybe even defend herself. Ultimately, it's a just a situation where bitch be trippin and there's nothing we could have done to avoid her storming off.

 

I think Kotz's problem is that he lives in South Carolina: The Land Culture Forgot. Which is not to say that "butter-face" and "smegma" are universally understood or anything. I don't get the former out of context and the latter is totally unfamiliar to me. Then again, I live in west Texas so the same principle applies. I got the PMS joke, though, so I'm one up on him.