Aftershock(s/XxxxXxxx) Comments

[The Ill One 0]

Because nobody else will.

 

Aftershock Report- By That Same Random Fucker

 

First off, I have to say that I usually feel for this poor crowd here tonight. Anybody who buys Aftershocks tickets are more or less getting screwed over considering the price they pay since it's usually a couple promos. But tonight's different and it's pretty damn important for a change, since it's going to have the seeding Battle Royal to shape up the Cold Front tournament. It's not the most confusing system in the world but it's not quite the simplest, or maybe that's my excuse for not having to explain it. Just look at it this way, the first seven eliminated first from the match aren't in the tournament.

 

The Champion(s) Speaks

 

"Hey up?" That's how they say it, really? That's just being lazy... throwing in the "what" wouldn't take too much effort now would it? I mean that's the truth, innit? Anyway. Toxxic shows that deep down, somewhere there's a closet football (the American football, bastards) fan inside of there as he drops Rice's name. Or maybe he's a closet fan of Dancing with the Stars, now there's something that will rarely get a crowd pop. After that he begins to get the point- it's going to be him and Jay Hawke (~!) facing off on November 30th. Now there's a match that everybody should be able to appreciate in some way, shape, or form. Cheap shot at Hawke by comparing him to Pretzler, but it seems like a rather legitimate point. He begins to ramble about the Elimination Chamber match and that gives nice segue into discussing him screwing Zyon over. Hard. Wait, I was wrong, he's using it to call Drake out, fair enough. This could be more interesting but Michael, you screwed over Zyon. Hard, really hard, like jackhammerin' hard. Did that sound dirty? That sounded kinda' dirty. Maybe it's my twisted mind but aaannnyyywwaaayyyy- Drake was officially pinned at the Elimination Chamber, more or less due to a drink in the face. So this two exchange in a lil' argument but suddenly Drake sways it back to Zyon, well, it does come back full circle. Then it shifts back to those two and ho-ly shit are there some interesting twists and turns to this one. Mostly the fact that Drake's girlfriend cheated on Toxxic with his girlfriend and Stephens sent him away by testifying for four years. Well it's no wonder that he's such a pissy fellow in general, let alone towards Michael. Now it's broken down into a Jerry Springer episode, apparently a bunch of drunk kids jumped Stephens and Drake back in the day, which is a stupid move. What's a worse move, though, is beating that drunk guy nearly to the point of death. What's the worst move of all is to testify against your friend, but that's just me. Well, it was an interesting exchange... a very revealing exchange between the two. Things aren't even close to over, however, this promo is over. So we fade out and my bladder is cryin' out, so I make the sacrifice of going to the bathroom, missing some action... I come back to-

 

Insane Luchador's -Friendly- Rambling

 

Maybe it doesn't show but I, for the most part, can't stand IL. So this led to me leaving the kitchen to make a sammich, figuring when I'd get back it may be time for things to move on. When I came back Hardy was sighing and Luchador was walking away. If any of you are dumb enough to invest time to paying attention to IL, well, this isn't the place to look for a recap.

 

Battle Royal

 

There are tons of elements to this Battle Royal that I could possibly explore at the moment. But I won't. Just, trust me, there's history a-bound in the ring. The bell chimes and all the men bumrush at each other, as what happens with all Battle Royals, and Akira faces sure elimination by Nemesis but gets lucky. Myers, however, isn't and he gets thrown out of the ring by Nemesis. Imagine that, Myers' being eliminated from this one. Doesn't really matter to anybody, except for Myers but even that's debateable, and the match continues on. Drake takes a low blow from Maddix, though it seems rather accidental, as Benson dropkicks him from behind. Blank floors Landon back down to the canvas, I'm pretty sure it was with a belch too, then lariats Benson, and Johnson sets Dangerous up for disaster as he elbows him into Bruce's path. But somebody as quick as Johnny Dangerous is able to make the best of this situation, and he does, as he is able to smack Bruce with a spinning wheel kick. He stumbles against the ropes and tries to cream Dangerous with a right drunken haymaker, straight out of Western movies, but instead he gets caught by Johnny with the MI Slam to the outside that eliminates him... okay, that part is pretty damn rare in the Western movies. Anyway, if you lack reading comprehension, Bruce Blank is now eliminated from the match as well. Meanwhile Cross and Benson decide to scheme against Nemesis with Matflesh (as Tom suggested to the four) as all four make a bumrush at Nemesis. Well, all three. Benson tries for a Crossbody but instead is hurled outside of the, so he's eliminated, Cross just bounces off the big man, and now Matthews realizes that Flesher's laughing in the corner. He gets caught by Nemesis and tossed over the top rope, so there goes Grappler. A dick move but we wouldn't accept anything less from Flesher, now would we? But now the huge Nemesis rapidly approaches Flesher who simply throws a shotei, to little success. He shakes it off easily and Flesher throws out another one before being backed into the corner. Then, in a very rare instance, Flesher hops onto the second turnbuckle to take flight with a flying palmstrike. Nemesis now reels backwards as everybody uses this as their chance- Akira hits a huge dropkick that sends Nemesis against the ropes, followed by Jimmy the Doom (in a very humorous way) doing a gigantic clothesline to sacrifice himself in order to eliminate both men!

 

So.

 

There are down to nine men, if you've lost count, and now things are really getting interesting. Everybody else makes a rush at Nighthawk, the last big man remaining, as Landon tries to hurl Drake over the top rope (who has recovered from the ugly nutshot and just really needs to invest in a nutcup). Meanwhile Nighthawk can't fight off the mass as he gets dumped to the outside. Now every man inside that ring has a shot at the title but, of course, the match continues. Actually, nix that thought as two bells chime- making Gabriel Drake the next elimination and Nighthawk the number eight seed! Well, that sucks, especially for Drake. Meanwhile Maddix laughs with his eyes shut, since that's what we all do when we're confronted by numerous opponents, and he learns his lesson by getting cracked by a flying knee from Johnson. JJ tries to follow up with his path o' destruction by elbowing Spike but he ducks underneath it, planting a knee into Johnson, and he sets up for the Endwell. Wait, that's a shitty metalcore band? I'll take your word for it, King. Anyway. Akira smacks Jenkins with a super kick and even Johnson before following through by attacking Spike again. Akira tries for the Divine Wind but instead, in a pretty cool move, Spike reverses it, gets his own cravate in, runs up the ropes, flips down, and is able to sink in his Dragon Clutch. Shame you can't win by submission, as Mak points out, and suddenly Johnson comes back with a tremendous double stomp that puts Spike and probably out. Across the ring Flesher seems to be dominating Cross until the man gets a few punches right in the face in first followed by a knee. He turns his attention to Landon and Dangerous, who continued to trade blows, until Flesher suddenly sends him over the top rope. Now he's also gone from the match. Meanwhile King lectures about the Art of War. Flesher follows up with a huge Railgun Suplex that doesn't -quite- eliminate Johnny. He then gets caught by a vertical suplex by Landon and Jenkins, until Jenkins turns his back on Landon with the the Endwell. Ha. Johnson gets rushed by Dangerous, he whiffs on a roundhouse, and gets caught in a potential MI Slam until he rolls down his back, shoves him into Akira, who European Uppercuts him away, and then JJ eliminates him. Now JJ and Akira exchange blows until the Divine Wind hits a Super Kick to get the upper hand. Now it's time for him and Spike to throw down in strikes, so they do. Again, Divine Wind gets the upper hand and Spike is served right into Flesher's grasp- where he gets thrown over the top rope with a railgun suplex! Christ, that was brutal...ly awesome. Now it's back to Johnson and Akira brawling as an elbow smash sends the Divine Wind against the ropes. That's probably the last place you want to be in this match, sans the outside floor already. So akira leaps out for another Super Kick but it's caught by JJ Johnson who uses that as his chance to give him the heave-ho to the outside. Now it's down to Flesher, Landon, and Johnson.

 

The final three. Maddix catches Tom with an elbow smash but eats a palm strike right in the jaw as he drops to one knee that JJ uses to step up on for the Shining Wizard. Johnson gets back up as Maddix is certainly down and Flesher goes in for the takedown. But Johnson, as any amateur, UFC fighter knows, instantly sprawls to avoid the takedown. He then shows off more skills as he's able to spin out of Tom's grasp to get behind him, waistlock, and one hell of a dangerous German. Well, German suplex. The Germans haven't been so dangerous since WWII... unless they rally behind Hasselhoff, at that point I'll be fleeing for Germany before shit goes down. Anyway. Flesher is able to recover with an attempt to lariat Johnson over the ropes but instead he gets caught in the fireman's carry. Johnson tries to dump him over the top rope but Flesher lands on the ring apron and floors Johnson with a palm strike. Meanwhile, unluckily for Flesher, Maddix is in mid-air with his dropkick as his aim has fallen... to be replaced by Flesher. Maddix connects and Tom goes tumbling to the outside. Adios Flesh'ah, that's karma for screwing over your partner... in a very humorous fashion.

 

Now it's down to the last two, two men who have a lot of history behind them. Maddix hesitates but he does finally act and he lifts Johnson up for the Tombstone. But JJ slides off of Landon's shoulders and he locks in the waistlock before heaving him over the top rope with a German Suplex! Today Landon was graced by whatever God, or just pure luck if you're an Atheist, as he does an entire flip so he lands on his feet on the outside. Good for him, bad for spot of the night. Anyway, that leaves JJ Johnson the winner of this year's royal! It was a pretty entertaining match and really picked up towards the end, so I'll give it *** 1/2 stars.

 

--

 

Someone else should comment and, having said that, congrats JJ.

[HollywoodSpikeJenkins 0]

Endwell is not a shitty metalcore band.

 

 

 

 

Well...they aren't shitty!

[JJ Johnson 0]

2004 - Landon Maddix wins the Battle Royale.

2005 - JJ Johnson wins the Battle Royale, eliminating Cucaracha Internacional stablemate Jay Hawke.

2006 - JJ Johnson wins the Battle Royale, eliminating former Cucaracha Internacional stablemate Landon Maddix.

 

 

Cucaracha F'n Owns Classic is a catchy name, I think.

[Toxxic 0]

Sadly, all of them job to me.

[super_tigris 0]

What's that? That's the looming shadow of 'Iron' Mike standing by, waiting to come from nowhere in a glorious effort to knock off the 2004 Cold Front winner, Landon Maddix.

 

There's a pun to be made here, I just can't think of it.

[Secret Agent 0]

Sadly, all of them job to me.

 

Except in 2004.

[Toxxic 0]

All of them job to me eventually, if you're going to be picky Jonathan.

[muzz 0]

God you're annoying.