Ask The Dictator!

[Guest]

You know I said I wouldn;t reply but I just want to clear something up.  I do not wish to compete with you and your group.  You people are fine doing what you are doing, please don;t see that other thread as compitition, I really do not wish to get into arguements on this board anymore because to be quite frank, alot of people cried about me voicing my opinion, so now I am censored and very much pc.  Thank you, that is all.

 

--Rob

After a close examination of the statement, it appears that Rob is employing a passive, non-threatening, "rain on your parade" strategy.  However effective this may be, we must remember the most important thing:  this strategy is NO FUN!  This war is about more than mere competition!  It is a statement of superiority by the Ask The Dictator thread!  If we can win this little spat and assert ourselves across this site, we shall reign supreme across the Web!  And then, the world!  AHHH HA HA HA HA HA!

 Anyway, that was my two cents.   Now I can hear myself think:

    "I want peanuts".  That's better.

[Guest]

From the desk of the Commandant of the Nessun Dorma:

 

   I am just as confused as our great leader as to the survival of the ex-Lord of Foreign Policy.  After severe interrogations, it appears that he was employing look-alikes.  The few resistance groups that we haven't destroyed back these reports up.  I am preparing several operatives for deep-cover penetration of the Ask Rob thread.

    I am also inserting a number of Nessun Dorma Strategic Insertion Teams into the remainder of the unconquered regions of the world, in an effort to destabilize these regions through acts of sabotage and keep them from retaliating against us in these troubled times.  The SI teams will also make it easier for the State of America to take over when things are back to normal.

    In addition, I am requesting permission to create a Praetorian Guard, a sort of elite of the elite of the Nessun Dorma, as a team of body guards for our leader, the first lady, and all of the heads of state.  The troops in this unit will be of a fight-to-the-death, last-man-standing mentality, and will work in coordination with the Office of INTENSE Homeland Security.

   That is all at this time.

[Guest]

Yes, the establishment of a Praetorian Guard is a good idea.

 

And it's INTENSE~! Homeland Security.

[Guest]

NEWSLINE: JUNE 18TH, 2011:

 

ASUNSCION, PARAGUAY -- Yesterday the first shots on the former RobStone's main compound were fired, thus making this a shooting war with the starter of the "Ask Rob!" thread. The now-named RobJohnstone broke onto State television wavelengths last night, asking the State of America why it was fighting him, for he had no taste for fighting. This has caused the State to reconsider the planned invasion of South America, pending the success of the Minister of War's efforts. So far he has come dangerously close to being killed himself. Back home, the Commandant of the Nessun Dorma has called for an initiative to have a Praetorian Guard made for the Maximum Proconsul and First Lady. It was almost immediately passed by Congress. The Assistant Proconsul gets credit for the first shots fired, but RobJohnstone's compound fielded the shots and returned fire. The Minister of War tried next, but met heavy resistance. Military researchers in Cuba are attempting to develop a weapon that will break through the defense of Zen and Peace being employed at the moment.

"It's only the first day of fighting, but I can tell this is going to be difficult," said the Maximum Proconsul at his forward command post in Panama City, where he is with the army, prepared to invade South America. "Hopefully we can pull this one off. We've never encountered anyone who used political correctness and passive resistance as a defense." The First Lady is in Ireland, with her new Praetorian Guard.

 

(Associated Press of the State of America)

 

Hmm, we aren't making much progress so far. I'm thinking that we don't nessecarily give up, because the STATE OF AMERICA!!!(jets fly over and eagles crow while spreading their wings) isn't about giving up. We may just want to sign a treaty with them, allowing them to keep Paraguay while we conquer South America. That's the main problem with his resurgence; not that he has challenged us, but he set up shop in the middle of the continent we were about to overtake. Our Ministry of War is trying, but they can't punch through the lines of defense. I am now officially calling the Ministry of War off, and letting anyone who wants to try to continue our offensive. We do NOT want our Minister of War banned.

 

There will be a domestic business briefing later.

[Guest]

So I go to Ireland for a day and poof The State of America is in a war against silly old RobJohnstone? Tsk tsk. Have we forgotten the phrase "immitation is the greatest form of flattery"? Oh well. As long as we're part of this conflict I think it's my responsibility to protect the White House which is still under reconstruction. So I'm back here to stay. Good luck all of you who are fighting for this nations integrity. Toodaloo!

[Guest J*ingus]

barelythere, is that pic in your avatar of you?  If so, I think you may actually work quite well as a TV/movie star for The State Of America.  Imagine a First Lady who also starred in her own sitcom.  The ratings would be amazing.

[Guest]

Yeah that's me, but I think I'll stick with just being the First Lady. (I'm horrible at acting!) Oh and just to let people know, the picture in my profile isn't how I normally act, I was just a bit drunk

[Guest]

Stop making excuses, dear!

[Guest goodhelmet]

As the Chancellor and one who pulls your strings, I insist that the electronica be confined to the Procunsel's and first LAdy's bedroom. Since the scene began in Europe and as controller of Europe all electronics musicians are now executed along with the British punks. That leaves bands that follow in the vein of the Beatles, the Who, The Stones, the Kinks and Herman's hermits.

 

Also Texans and Europeans do not get along therefore Europeans are banned from Texas. Texans must dress like surfers when visiting Europe. NO cowboy hats.

 

Also, Chancellor I implore you to have a book burning at least once a month for any propoganda initiated against the state including all Rush Limbaugh novels, Ayn Rand titles and Harlequinn Romance. That is all.

[Guest]

I agree with all of the above except the execution of techno/trance/rave/jungle/hardcore/dance DJs and the quarantining of electronic music. Lay one finger on Gigi D'Agostino and there will be trouble. Electronica radio stations will remain. Send anything you don't like in Europe here, where we can appreciate it.

 

Kill the limey punks, I don't care about them.

 

And you do not pull my strings and/or control me. If you did, I'd come to you for a quick fix to the War on RobJohnstone.

[Guest goodhelmet]

the war on RobJohnStone is already in capable hands and he will be eliminated soon enough.

 

as for the dj's? sorry, but they have already been eliminated as the who's "Long Live Rock" blasted in the background!

 

The limey punks have been enshrined in a temple of groundbreaking movements in the city of Manchester.

[Guest]

I'll just have the scientists in Cuba clone the DJs. The Ministry of Music has a DNA sample from every recording artist in history, so killing them isn't as bad as I thought.

 

It's really really hard to try and replicate the Beatles. We're thinking their genetic makeup had some anomalies that science cannot hope to harness.

[Guest]

Hey hey now. There will be absolutely no burning of Harlequinn Romance when I'm in charge. Someone's gotta look out for the women in the world!

[Guest]

In this difficult time of war, it becomes clear that new measures must be taken in order to assure a quick and brutal defeat of the opposition.  As Viceroy of Education, I have devised a new means of military training that will assure us quick victory in the war against Robjohnstone, as well as any future skirmishes the great State of America may find itself a part of.

 

My plan consists of physically injecting information, training, and military knowhow into the very minds of our fighting force.  This new technology, outlined in a plan which I have already sent to the Cuban research facilities, is actually quite simple.  Any person who is currently, or will be enlisted in the military of the State of America, will be fitted with a small interface microchip in the back of their cranium.  This microchip will be placed in the cerebral cortex so as to interface with the rest of the brain, allowing facilitated manipulation of information and knowledge.  This chip will be accessed as needed, through a small socket placed in the back of the skull.

 

This new technology will allow quick and efficient training of our military forces, and it will guarantee that our military will be more skilled and adept than any human trainer could ever hope to make them.  I would like to work further with the Minister of War on this matter, and perhaps with the Commandant of the Nessun Dorma, concerning the possibility of expanding this technology to our police force as well.

[Guest]

"Hey hey now. There will be absolutely no burning of Harlequinn Romance when I'm in charge."

 

You are NOT in charge.

 

And SodomusChrist, we can put this into action as soon as we complete our work on the feasibility of bionic parts and such.

[Guest]

"You are NOT in charge."

 

Hmm now I seem to remember someone saying something about the first lady having the same powers as the Proconsul. Of course that could be my imagination. I guess that means since you don't want to share your power, that you don't want to share anything else either? Such as a bedroom? Whatever you want darling.

[Guest]

(meekly) No, that's all right. You are indeed 100% in charge!*

 

*You have the same powers as the Proconsul, but are not actually running things.

 

I'd like to share a bedroom muchly, thank you very much. It's getting late. Shall we?

[Guest]

Celebrity of the State Incadenza, you have been called on for your first project.

 

You will portray the Maximum Proconsul himself in the movie documenting the rise and establishment of the State of America. More details will be available later. Needless to say, this is a very important project for the State, and we need a strapping, handsome man portraying our leader, since he isn't very good looking himself. Good acting as well.

 

As I said, more details later.

[Guest]

You will portray the Maximum Proconsul himself in the movie documenting the rise and establishment of the State of America. More details will be available later. Needless to say, this is a very important project for the State, and we need a strapping, handsome man portraying our leader, since he isn't very good looking himself. Good acting as well.

 

I am at your service, Maximum Proconsul.

 

Though it is only 2am EST, I shall retire for the evening. It has been a long day of fucking hot, hot women, and I must get my rest for tomorrow's schedule of tan booth, enema, massage, and fucking hot women. Good night, one and all.

[Guest J*ingus]

Hey hey hey, Goodhelmet, there'll be no book burnings as long as I'M Baron Of Entertainment.  

 

In the spirit of compromise, I offer this: a plan to archive every single book, movie, and TV show that has ever existed (in perfect quality).  These archives will be kept forever, and never thrown away.  

 

BUT, in return, the more undesirable shows will not be shown on TV ever again, the really lame movies will not come out in new DVD editions (unless it's to include a filmmaker's commentary to apologize for ever making it), and the fugly fucktarded books of the world will not be sold in stores.  

 

Furthermore, the library to borrow the archived material will be a HUGE public gathering, and you must walk onto a stage and loudly proclaim whatever you're checking out.  (Special exemptions given to officials of state, of course.)  In theory, pedophiles COULD borrow those "art" books by people like David Hamilton full of nekkid kids, but they'd quite literally have to shout that fact to the masses.  Better than any censorship, in my opinion.

[Guest]

The brilliance of my Cabinet continues.

 

I wonder what's taking them so long to change your name, Jingus.

[Guest J*ingus]

I don't know, I guess I need to PM a mod or two.  

 

Another rule I just thought of: Ben Affleck will have an electronic chip permanently implanted into his scrotum.  This chip will deliver an electric shock to him any time he attempts to participate in a non-comedic movie, or at least any that Kevin Smith has nothing to do with.

[Guest]

Baron of Entertainment Jingus, I want you to set up a commission to examine Kevin Smith films in order to determine why so many people cream themselves over them for reasons other than being funny. I seriously have acquaintances and friends who find the man absolutely brilliant, and I fail to see it. Before I am poisoned against the man and my friends(who are all Emo kids, which I can't STAND), please bring back some results.

[Guest goodhelmet]

First Lady, since you have the balls, can you please place a ban on all cloning since the technology and process leaves a lot of room for error. I'd hate to see thousands of defected electonica artists that sucked shit before running around Cuba. Thank you for your consideration.

[Guest]

Oh no, you aren't getting off that easy, avoiding the cloning of electronic artists. She wouldn't listen anyway, she thinks as I do!

 

Besides, like I said, we're working on Lennon and Harrison too, as well as Jim Morrison and pretty much any other musician who died before their time. So to stop cloning would be to deny ourselves of greatness.

[Guest goodhelmet]

if you want greatness, turn on the fucking cd. new geniuses will be born NATURALLY. there is no need to start such a program. i'm afraid i will request that the military destroys the ENTIRE island of Cuba for the safety and betterment of the society. Cuba is vaporized in 24 hours.

[Guest J*ingus]

Um, goodhelmet, you're not in charge of military weapons of mass destruction.  Kotz, Supataft, and Goblin handle that kind of thing, and have been rather territorial about their 'hoods in the past.

[Guest]

Chancellor to the Proconsul Goodhelmet is simply an advisor, and controls nothing but Texas and Europe. Cuba is perfectly fine as it is, no more dead people will be brought back except for those you had executed for simply producing fine music. Your estimate of good music does not make that the opinion of the Party or the State. Only EvenflowDDT and I have the power to make such a decision as to execute musicians. I find it silly that you are not satisfied with controlling the secondmost powerful state in America as well as Europe, you want to destroy the entire island of Cuba, which is currently inhabited by one million State workers and their families. I will not have millions of lives lost because a Cabinet member does not know how to change the radio station or channel, whatever the case may be. Minister of War SupaTaft will not be allowed to send the forces of the State(which are preparing for an invasion of South America anyway, a project that requires our full attention) to level an entire Caribbean island, which is proving useful to the State as a prison and research island. We understand that you are very passionate about your beliefs and likes, but this is one case where I cannot agree with the majority of your advice and must rescind your very presumptuous command. Cuba stays where it is, and the Electronica DJs will be brought back.

 

In other news, the invasion of South America is tomorrow. The Ministry of War expects the campaign to last four months at the very least. It could take as long as eight months to a year to conquer all resistance, considering that most of the governments and armies of Europe fled to South America after the State took control of Europe and European Russia. We are confident of victory though, but we must acknowledge that it won't be overnight. Let it be known that the invasion of South America is not a product of the war in which we are currently embroiled. It was a project known of by only the highest-ranking officials(in other words, need-to-know basis), and is the final phase in making the State of America truly American. The timing is just really good, as RobJohnstone's base of operations is in Paraguay.

 

Assistant Proconsul Kinetic has suggested we take the war with RobJohnstone to the No Holds Barred board. I agree. It's a pit of lions with flamethrowers there, but RobJohnstone has few, if any, allies, and we have the entire State supporting whomever posts there against him. Our Czar of Propaganda returns tomorrow night, and he will be able to make a more solid plan to harness the No Holds Barred board to our greatest advantage.

 

(Brendan, I will be calling you sometime this afternoon to speak of our plans for tonight. Be expecting a phone call between 2 and 6. I will also be calling Shelby and will be seeing Claire when she comes in to pick up her check, should she come in during my shift. If she does not, I'll just call her too. You need to call Kelly, she seemed to at least be mildly interested in accompanying us along with Regan. Talk to you this afternoon. Try and lobby to spend the night also, we need to have another Young Ones marathon, as well as a Starfox64 killfest. Seeyas.)

 

With that, I retire for the evening. Thank you for supporting me, Baron Jingus.

[Guest]

Celebrity of the State Incadenza, we already know you're playing the Maximum Proconsul. However, I'd like the Baron of Entertainment to do casting for the entire Cabinet. If you want to be played by someone specifically, just post it here!

[Guest J*ingus]

Well, um, being that I don't know what any of you look like, I guess you'd better pick your own actor.  

 

Do keep in mind our wonderful cloning facilities on Cuba, which insures that we can make any movie star, at any age.  Therefore, I put forth the first actor: Orson Welles at age 25 is to play myself.