Ask The Dictator!

[Guest]

Since I am playing the Maximum Proconsul himself, it is important that none of my co-stars are better actors, nor better looking than myself. Of course, it will be hard to find someone who actually beats me in either of those departments, but we must be careful in our approach.

 

That said, Orson Welles was quite handsome at age 25, and a fine actor to boot, but not quite as good or as handsome as me. Therefore, I think his clone is a fine choice for a supporting role.

[Guest]

Hahaha walking across a stage and proclaiming what you're checking out. Now that would be a good idea. Hey, and it would give me and my friends something to do on friday nights! lol.

[Guest]

Kevin Smith is a brilliant writer, but not a brilliant director. The way he interweaves characters and plots and subplots is groundbreaking; the beauty of his work is that most of the characters are people that we ourselves know, at least as an archetype. I can place each and every one of my friends in a category of Kevin Smith character because his writing is just that damn good. And any man who can send up religion as thoughtfully as he did in Dogma is worthy of some sort of a medal. Anyways, he is pure comedy gold any way you slice it, plain and simple. I don't think I'm an emo kid (well, a bit, but not totally anyways), so I have now defied your vain attempt at categorization, Kotzenjunge. So there.

 

Anyways, I am to be played by Jack Black. As such, I demand that Jack's partner-in-music Kyle Gass also be a part of the movie so that Tenacious D can perform a musical number somewhere in the middle - y'know, to liven up the audience.

 

Ben Folds is a god.

[Guest Kinetic]

I realize that I'm late with this and I assure you that I am deeply apologetic.  Great and powerful Maximum Proconsul Kotzenjunge, I present to you my wedding gift:  an autographed and personalized photo of your Assistant Proconsul Kinetic, as I would have been on your wedding day were I to have attended.

 

 

I wish you nothing but happiness with your beautiful and well-spoken bride.  May all your days be as happy as your wedding day, which I neglected to show up for.

 

Sincerely,

Assistant Proconsul Kinetic

[Guest]

hey guys, if you really want to end what you call "my thread", it doesn;t help that suptaft is posting nonsense in there.  IT makes your group look bad as a whole.  Thanks so much, later

 

--Rob

[Guest]

The mere presence of Rob Stone in our thread causes my nose to turn up in disgust, which in turn causes wrinkles. Time for an emergency Botox treatment!

[Guest Kinetic]

Upon reading through the last few pages of this thread, I have two questions:

 

1)  What powers does the Assistant Proconsul--which is me--hold?

 

2)  Who shall portray me in our propaganda film?

 

And would it be possible for me to accompany the First Lady to Ireland next time she goes?  I've always wanted to visit the home of my ancestors and would be honored to do so in the company of such a great and powerful woman.

 

Sincerely,

Assistant Proconsul Kinetic

[Guest]

"Upon reading through the last few pages of this thread, I have two questions:

 

1)  What powers does the Assistant Proconsul--which is me--hold?

 

2)  Who shall portray me in our propaganda film?

 

And would it be possible for me to accompany the First Lady to Ireland next time she goes?  I've always wanted to visit the home of my ancestors and would be honored to do so in the company of such a great and powerful woman.

 

Sincerely,

Assistant Proconsul Kinetic"

 

I don't know, who plays you is at your discretion. Also, your powers as Assitant Proconsul are the same as mine, with the exception of being overruled by me if I see fit. You oversee every Ministry much as I do. You also act as a goodwill ambassador when need be. Your advice is held in higher esteem than Chancellor Goodhelmet. You may accompany the First Lady, ONLY IF I AM ALONG. You're too damn handsome, and I worry. Not that you'd DARE try anything.

[Guest]

"hey guys, if you really want to end what you call "my thread", it doesn;t help that suptaft is posting nonsense in there.  IT makes your group look bad as a whole.  Thanks so much, later"

 

Um, go away? You said you were going to leave us be after one post, and I instructed my Ministers to take this war to the No Holds Barred board. If they continue to bother your board, it is not the will of the State. Any person who actually has a backstory and knowledge when they talk about anything would know this. To think, you accused Risk of doing the opposite.

[Guest goodhelmet]

"Your advice is held in higher esteem than Chancellor Goodhelmet. "

 

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Silly mortal.

[Guest Kinetic]

In addition to my previous correspondence, I'd like to report that SupaTaft, our Minister of War, is making a mockery of THE STATE OF AMERICA(!) in the "Ask Rob" thread.  His attacks have been transparent and ineffective, which I fear will make us appear weak.  Drastic action must be taken.  I'd handle it myself, but I'm off to Rome for the weekend with Chelsea Clinton.  You're thinking "bourgeois," I'm sure, but the girl is absolutely darling.  I took her sailing earlier and she showed me a trick with an egg and a jar of Crisco that made me spit out my Perrier.  I kid you not.  In any case, ta ta.

 

Charmed,

Assistant Pronconsul Kinetic

[Guest J*ingus]

Um, I think HED covered most of the main reasons behind Smith's popularity, even if I think he did overstate the case a wee bit.  Also, he makes so many injoke fanboy references that a lot of the hardcore comics/movies/whatever fans find funny.  "Hey, that line was from The Untouchables, HA HA HA HA HAAAA!"  

 

And incadenza, if you're playing Kotz in the film, who's playing you?  I guess I could get together with the cyborgs at the Lucasfilm ranch and create a computer-generated Incadenza image which is so beautiful that it causes physical pain to look at, thus insuring that the audience never realizes that you're not actually playing yourself.

[Guest]

Yes, I will be stopping him. You really going to be gone for a week?

 

And yes Goodhelmet, since Kinetic can actually order things around, instead of simply advise, so he will always have his advice held in higher esteem. Besides, he's a helluva lot funnier.

[Guest]

From the desk of the Commandant:

 

 The Nessun Dorma arranges a twenty-one thousand gun salute to Kinetic's Clinton remark.

[Guest Kinetic]

Gentlemen,

 

I can't be long, sadly, but I wanted to report back on the first portion of our flight to Rome.  Chelsea--incredible as she is--had the foresight to bring a laptop, which has allowed me this opportunity.  She's currently fielding a personal phone call from her boyfriend, whom I've taken to referring to as The Stooge.  She laughs at that and it makes part of me melt.  I boarded the flight some time ago, armed with a bottle of champagne and an acoustic guitar, a rose clenched in my teeth as in the most widely-circulated photograph of myself.  She was delighted by this--but in a thoroughly dignified way, mind you--and I proceeded to pour two glasses of champagne, both for myself.  In recognition of her namesake, I hoisted my guitar upon my knee and played a gorgeous rendition of Leonard Cohen's "Chelsea Hotel No. 2," the lyrics to which I'll now post:  

 

I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel,

you were talking so brave and so sweet,

giving me head on the unmade bed, (she blushed at this)

while the limousines wait in the street.

Those were the reasons and that was New York,

we were running for the money and the flesh.

And that was called love for the workers in song

probably still is for those of them left.

Ah but you got away, didn't you babe,

you just turned your back on the crowd,

you got away, I never once heard you say,

I need you, I don't need you,

I need you, I don't need you

and all of that jiving around.

 

I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel

you were famous, your heart was a legend.

You told me again you preferred handsome men

but for me you would make an exception.

And clenching your fist for the ones like us

who are oppressed by the figures of beauty,

you fixed yourself, you said, "Well never mind,

we are ugly but we have the music."

 

And then you got away, didn't you babe...

 

I don't mean to suggest that I loved you the best,

I can't keep track of each fallen robin.

I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel,

that's all, I don't even think of you that often.

 

She hugged me when I had completed the song.  I think she was somewhat taken aback by my pleasent singing voice.  Then her phone rang--it was The Stooge, you'll recall--and I'm left here to stew in the juices of my desire.  I hope to further update you all tomorrow evening, when I'll no doubt have made my intentions for my darling girl clearer.  

 

Farewell,

Assistant Proconsul Kinetic

[Guest]

(sniffle) Beautiful. I hope all pans out well with Chelsea. If she has a boyfriend, how'd you end up on a trip to Rome with her?

[Guest]

And incadenza, if you're playing Kotz in the film, who's playing you?  I guess I could get together with the cyborgs at the Lucasfilm ranch and create a computer-generated Incadenza image which is so beautiful that it causes physical pain to look at, thus insuring that the audience never realizes that you're not actually playing yourself.

 

Though I do not see a reason for me to become a character in the film--why get all cute and self-referential?--if Incadenza must be a part of this production outside of playing the Maximum Proconsul, then your idea who should play me is the best. I wouldn't allow any real person to play someone such as myself.

 

And Kinetic! As it turns out, with some downtime before filming starts, I am heading off to Rome myself with Kate Winslet. She's been a little down lately, and I figured a trip to Italy--and three-way sex with Monica Bellucci, who will be meeting us there--would be just the thing to cheer her up. You and Chelsea can get in on the action if you so desire, but try to stay on your side of the bed, please.

[Guest]

What you saw in the Rob folder (or the R-Files as I like to call it) was merely the first phase in a series of brutal assaults that was meant to cripple the enemy of the state. I have been called off and no further comments shall be made in the R-Files. Simply put, he stays out of our thread, we stay out of his. Only off-handed comments shall be made when his name is dropped at a party of the state or other such events.

Which brings me to my next point. We should have a national convention of sorts with all of the important Ministers and Procounsals and so on and what not, in a chat room. I think this would be a good place to break the ice, so to speak, and to share our individual opinions and discuss them with greater ease. But what do I know... I just kick ass for a living...

Anywho, I'm off to South America to claim it for our glorious leader Kotzenjunge.

Minister of WAR!!!

SupaTaft

[Guest]

Incadenza cannot be in the movie because that would reveal the State's plot to place a super-attractive superstar in the midst of the public for the purpose of control. Right?

 

And yes, I did overstate the case (as I tend to do), but I still like Kevin Smith a lot. I can't even remember the last comedy I went to that made me laugh near as much as a Kevin Smith movie (probably because I hate that stupid Tom Green-esque, Scary Movie/Not Another Teen Movie gross-out humor).

[Guest]

On my recent trip to Charlotte to see Ben Folds, I was inspired with something I have long known but never fully realized. Sit thee down, children, I have a story to tell:

 

So it was after the show and my friends and I were very, very hungry/hot/tired/well, you get the idea. I know some of you may ask how draining a Ben Folds concert could possibly be, but I assure you, when you stand in line for 3 hours after being in a car for 2 hours and you then have to bear a crappy opening band and technical difficulties for 2 more hours, all the while being pressed upon by sickly, sweating peoples with barely any room to breathe, it all gets a bit hectic. Not to mention exhausting. So there we were, back in the car after the concert, starving and just generally worn down. It was 1 in the morning. I suggested we find food and drink, and as we searched downtown Charlotte, I was hit with the startling fact that the entire world (save for bars and clubs) shuts down after midnight. This, friends, is just not good.

 

Therefore, I say we annihilate time and have the State, nay, the WORLD begin operating 24 hours a day and 7 days a week.

 

Anyone else agree?

[Guest goodhelmet]

ok dictator... er... procunsel, i request that cursive writing be banned and killed off as a form of writing. it is outdated and has no place in a new EDUCATED society. it might look pretty if the right person is writing, but most of the time it looks like chicken scratch.

[Guest The Hollywood Fashion Plate]

Message from the Overlord of INTENSE~! Homeland Security:

Greetings, my fellow citizens. I regret that I have had company recently and was therefore unable to check in. However, today I declared them 'enemy combatants' and had them sent to the nuclear waste facilites in Nevada with the rest of the alleged terrorists. Anyway, I feel that to improve travel cross-country on land, we need a system of high speed maglev trains like France's TGV system. Those trains will be protected by federal marshals inside them and electric fences along the tracks. Also, if I am in this propaganda film, I would like to be portrayed by Roddy Piper, because he's just so damn entertaining. That is what I propose for the State of America!

*raises arms as 'Jive Soul Bro' hits*

[Guest J*ingus]

Done, Slickster, the Rowdy One is thine.  

 

(The ironic part being, one of my good friends is one of Piper's best friends, and has worked on a couple of his movies.)

 

HED, where are you from that early-morning nonactivity was a surprise?  Everywhere I've been, the only things open 24/7 are a few restaraunts Waffle House, IHOP, Krystal, and Steak & Shake, and a few supermarkets like Walmart and Krogers.  But I do agree with your plan to an extent, I'd say that we need to keep around 20-40% of businesses open at all hours.  

 

 

As for Tom Green: I decree that he be forced to continue doing the same things he's been doing for the past three years, but that it is forbidden to capture any of it on film or tape.  

 

I AM BARON OF ENTERTAINMENT!  BOW BEFORE ME, MASSES!

[Guest]

i request that cursive writing be banned and killed off as a form of writing. it is outdated and has no place in a new EDUCATED society. it might look pretty if the right person is writing, but most of the time it looks like chicken scratch.

Well, in this case I completely agree with what you are saying.  I agree that cursive writing is a common plague with which society is faced, and unless the Maximum Proconsul objects, I am going to ban it from being taught in public schools.

 

On another note, I would like to ban any religious material from being taught in public schools.  Religion serves no other purpose other than to act as a stumbling block to the progress of civilization.  I believe we should also remove any government funding from religious institutions.  These acts will further pave the way for our true goal which should be the elimination of religion itself in the State of America.

 

Any thoughts?

[Guest J*ingus]

Oh, I think we should have MORE religion classes.  We should have classes on the different teachings of all the branches of Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, Ba'hai, Confucism, Shinto, Wicca, Zoroastrianism, Egyptian Greek and Roman mythology, various pagan & animist religions, sun worshipping, Satanism, and atheism.  Don't let the kids go into the world without a working knowledge of every religion that's going to be thrown at them.

[Guest]

But if we eliminate religion altogether, we would be able to use government resources for other more important things.  There would be no religions "thrown" at anybody, and the world would be better in many ways.

[Guest]

I have already stated that the direction of education in the State will be leaned heavily towards logic and science. Also, the population will be weaned off of religion, so don't worry about the kids having it thrown at them.

 

Cursive is gone. I never use it anymore anyway.

 

MassivHEDtrauma, Intimacy Goblin, SodomusChrist and I all live in the general area of Charleston, South Carolina.

 

Minister of War SupaTaft has come up with a grand plan. We will have a convention. I don't know when, but it will be soon. We wish him well in the campaign in South America. I'll post updates on the war here and he will post a large overview a week from today.

 

Czar MassivHEDtrauma, we can only control the State of America, but rest assured, measures were already in place in Congress to make large restaurant chains and stores and such to be working constantly. Goodhelmet can implement whatever measures he wants to in Europe and Texas. Assistant Proconsul Kinetic can make it in California however he wants. I myself made New York like this as soon as I crowned myself king. Also, there is plenty of non-grossout comedy out there. Death to Smoochy was GOLD.

 

Good to see Slickster back. We need a Ministry of Transportation badly to address such proposals as train efficiency. I agree with sending them to Nevada.

 

That is all for now.

[Guest]

That Death To Smoochy is pure gold doesn't change the fact that most of the comedies that come out are udder crap - to me, anyways. As a matter of fact, the last one I actually went to see was Orange County, purely for the genius of Jack Black. Eh...it was okay, I guess. Like I said, I haven't seen a comedy since Dogma that I actually truly, truly enjoyed. Although Zoolander came close.

 

(holds breath until a Tenacious D movie is greenlit)

[Guest]

(snarls) Zoolander was PLATINUM. Just the thought of Zoolander saying "The calendar really widened my horizons, I thought" while the calendar flips to show the same picture twelve times is still enough to make me laugh, but not as much as the following:

 

"Hansel. He's SO hot right now. Hansel." Dominic and I modified this for our own needs on Academic Team trips. Before every game, "James Island. They're SO hot right now. James Island."

[Guest Kinetic]

Greetings from Rome,

 

Chelsea and I have had a marvelous day here in Italy's grand capital.  Arrangements were made in the wee hours of the morning to ensure that but one room remained in the luxurious Palazzo Corsini Alla Lungara, which was recently converted to a hotel for the specific purpose of accomadating Chelsea and I on this trip.  We slept side by side--there was no floor or sofa treatment for the Assistant Proconsul of the State of America, of course--and awoke to the sounds of bustling urban life.  We fed each other strawberries picked by our gracious host, Giuseppi, from his very own garden.  As the tension built to the absolute breaking point and I felt her lean ever closer to me, the phone rang and I was again thwarted.  No bother; the day was but young and much was in store for my lady and I.  We attended a fashion show at the Santa Maria Della Vittoria, which was splendid.  Donatella was there, of course.  Everyone was smoking hash and drinking brandy.  People laughed aloud.  Not surprisingly, my fellow State of America luminary Incadenza made an appearance and I confronted him with this:

 

And Kinetic! As it turns out, with some downtime before filming starts, I am heading off to Rome myself with Kate Winslet. She's been a little down lately, and I figured a trip to Italy--and three-way sex with Monica Bellucci, who will be meeting us there--would be just the thing to cheer her up. You and Chelsea can get in on the action if you so desire, but try to stay on your side of the bed, please.

 

"Disparage my good name if you must, dear boy, but sully not the sanctity of my good lady," I said to him, removing my gloves.  He cowered in fear.  I would have rendered him unfit to portray our great and powerful Maximum Proconsul in our propaganda film, too, were it not for that boorish Kate Winslet yelling, "Not in the face!  Not in the face!"  And the soft, frightened look in Chelsea's eyes went some way towards discouraging me.  I say this, however:  You may be the fluff boy of Maximum Proconsul Kotzenjunge, but you are nothing to me.  If such harsh words are used towards me or my lady again, I will not hesitate to strike you.

 

Many fanciful moments later, my lady and I returned to our room.  Nothing has happened yet--she's currently bathing herself in lemon water so that she may be fresh for the ball we're to attend later--but I sense that my tireless wooing will see its end this evening, as she and I consumate our relationship.  I hope all is well with the State.  I shall return to my post in two days, but my correspondences from Rome will continue with some regularity until then.

 

Farewell,

Assistant Proconsul Kinetic