Ask The Dictator!

[Guest]

Good to hear your vacation is going well. You might want to make some kind of compendium of your entries. It'd sell millions all across the State, especially when we make sure that all other "Trip to Rome with Chelsea Clinton Diary"-style authors are silenced.

 

On a related note, how does lemon water make one fresh? And how will one comsummate a relationship with THE STOOGE("Three Blind Mice" plays) waiting in the wings back home and not suffer some kind of consequence?

[Guest]

I HAVE BEEN MALIGNED! I offered Assistant Proconsul Kinetic, a man I have nothing but admiration for, a chance to have sex with two (2) beautiful women--and Chelsea--at the same time, and not only does he turn me down, he threatens me with physical violence! Rest assured, that if we had come to fisticuffs, I surely would have gotten the better of Mr. Kinetic, thanks to my extensive knowledge of Brazilian Ju-Jitsu, but my dear, sweet Kate abhors violence so, and I am quite aware of Mr. Kinetic's power in our regime, so I relented.

 

Nevermind, though. I am still here in Rome, sitting in my hotel suite, typing away at my laptop. Kate and I expect Monica Bellucci here momentarily, and, I must say, Kate is quite ready to go. She is getting that look in her eyes, and, I dare say, she and I may not be able to wait for Monica. Oh, what a night this will be!

[Guest]

YES! No more cursive! (does a little dance)

 

On another note, Incandenza and Kenetic, lol try to keep your pants on. As charming as chelsea, kate, and monica may be, I'm sure all your fun can wait until after your posts? It's really rather simple... I manage to keep mine on with my the maximum proconsul... most of the time...er... gotta go.

[Guest]

(manly laughter is heard as a silhouette of a man carrying a FINE-ASS woman into a bedroom is seen by moonlight from an open window)

[Guest J*ingus]

(Jingus gets lonely, horny, and jealous just reading the above posts, and gets on the phone with Christina Ricci pronto.)

[Guest J*ingus]

Wow, that's weird. It kept me, evenflow, kinetic, goodhelmet, and slickster, but deleted everyone else's posts?!

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

EMERGENCY STATEMENT FROM THE MAXIMUM PROCONSUL, JUNE 20TH, 2011:

 

Lady and Gentlemen, as you can see, tragedy has struck the State of America. Three quarters of our work is gone, and I was erased completely from records, as were massivHEDtrauma, Incadenza, SodomusChrist, Intimacy Goblin, SupaTaft, justsoyouknow, MarioLogan, and most importantly, First Lady BarelyThere. On a lighter note, RobJohnstone was also wiped out, so we can take the instinctive blame off of him.

 

This is a tough time for the State. I have ordered the invasion of South America halted in its tracks, and for a defensive line to be established while any divisions that can be freed up will be sent north to help rebuild the State. Families will need to band together, neighborhoods, towns, cities, states, all together to cope with this crisis. We will persevere. I am fine, the First Lady is always fine, Assistant Proconsul Kinetic is safe in Rome, as is Incadenza. Chancellor Goodhelmet is in Europe also, I believe. Please post and tell us that you're all right and in one piece if your records were erased.

 

Our convention is being moved up to Friday, so we can have all of the Cabinet together to figure out what to do exactly. The Convention will go as follows, with each to have been completed by the following time:

 

(7:30 PM Saturday)Posts by each active Cabinet member

(9 PM Saturday)An address from the Chancellor

(9:30 PM Saturday)The Assistant Proconsul Speaks

(10 PM Saturday)An address from the First Lady

(11 PM Saturday)Maximum Proconsul's State of the State Address

 

I'm going to create an Abbey Party Convention thread for you to post your addresses and such without interrupting State business.

 

As soon as the Minister of War is done, he will return to South America to finish off the continent.

 

Congrats to Baron of Entertainment Jingus for making it onto a 411wrestling news update. Should've plugged the State, Jingus.

 

That is all for now. I'm looking around the White House now, making sure the staff is still all present and accounted for.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Czar of Propaganda, get with Jingus and Incadenza and get to work on a movie about this episode immediately after Triumph of the Will 2011 is completed.

 

Czar MassivHEDtrauma, also get to work on getting PNNN to put Australia at fault for this. Get together with Intimacy Goblin on this, he can put the special forces out to kill and destroy whatever you want.

[Guest Flyboy]

This is a sad, sad day for the States, indeed...

 

 

And just when I was going to go for a poisition in the cabinet of the States.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

I must admit, reading over this thread, it looks like I only communicate with you people directly and never appear in public.

 

I'M BIG BROTHER!!!!

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Flyboy, we still have a position for you, you know. Just because we've been stunted a bit doesn't mean we still don't need able Cabinet members! What would you like to be?

[Guest Flyboy]

Oh... sweet...

 

Well, Maximum Proconsul Kotzenjunge...

 

I would take upon the poistion of... protection the Maximum Proconsul.

 

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

In these times of war and thread terrorism, we could use a Secret Service-ish thing. You're hired! Think of a spiffy title for yourself, get your sub-name changed to it, and you're all set!

[Guest SodomusChrist]

These are truly difficult times, times that can only be remarked on with a long string of obscenities.

 

I would like to report to the state that I am alive and unharmed, although this debacle has caused me to consider something quite important. We need a more reliable method of documenting the history of our glorious state. Though our greatness is still maintained, we would benefit muchly from a foolproof way to record our history in a way such that it is not vulnerable to further attack. I will consider methods of doing this, and announce what I believe is the best course of action at the conference on Friday. Until then I welcome any suggestions the other members of the cabinet might have.

[Guest goodhelmet]

EMERGENCY STATEMENT FROM THE MAXIMUM PROCONSUL, JUNE 20TH, 2011:

 

Lady and Gentlemen, as you can see, tragedy has struck the State of America. Three quarters of our work is gone, and I was erased completely from records, as were massivHEDtrauma, Incadenza, SodomusChrist, Intimacy Goblin, SupaTaft, justsoyouknow, MarioLogan, and most importantly, First Lady BarelyThere. On a lighter note, RobJohnstone was also wiped out, so we can take the instinctive blame off of him.

 

This is a tough time for the State. I have ordered the invasion of South America halted in its tracks, and for a defensive line to be established while any divisions that can be freed up will be sent north to help rebuild the State. Families will need to band together, neighborhoods, towns, cities, states, all together to cope with this crisis. We will persevere. I am fine, the First Lady is always fine, Assistant Proconsul Kinetic is safe in Rome, as is Incadenza. Chancellor Goodhelmet is in Europe also, I believe. Please post and tell us that you're all right and in one piece if your records were erased.

 

Our convention is being moved up to Friday, so we can have all of the Cabinet together to figure out what to do exactly. The Convention will go as follows, with each to have been completed by the following time:

 

(7:30 PM Saturday)Posts by each active Cabinet member

(9 PM Saturday)An address from the Chancellor

(9:30 PM Saturday)The Assistant Proconsul Speaks

(10 PM Saturday)An address from the First Lady

(11 PM Saturday)Maximum Proconsul's State of the State Address

 

I'm going to create an Abbey Party Convention thread for you to post your addresses and such without interrupting State business.

 

As soon as the Minister of War is done, he will return to South America to finish off the continent.

 

Congrats to Baron of Entertainment Jingus for making it onto a 411wrestling news update. Should've plugged the State, Jingus.

 

That is all for now. I'm looking around the White House now, making sure the staff is still all present and accounted for.

what the hell are you talking about?

[Guest Kinetic]

Greetings from Rome,

 

It deeply saddens me to see that many of my colleagues have had their words and contributions erased from the history of this great State. They can only take solace in the fact that we, the ever-growing and strengthening Abbey Party, will never forget what they've acheived here. Do not fret, comrades, for while we may have lost the very foundations upon which this dictatorship was built, we still have the Chelsea Clinton chronicles in their entirety. I was really, really nervous for a second there.

 

Sincerely,

Assistant Proconsul Kinetic

[Guest massivHEDtrauma]

I have been looking for the proper context to place this latest episode in, and there is only one way to sum up my feelings: damn, this sucks.

 

Bah. I take day off. If anyone wants to contact me, don't. I'll be somewhere in Jamaica until the convention, kickin' it with all my reggaejunkiejew friends, toking up with Bob Marley's kids, trying to score with beautiful women etc., etc. After all this stress, I just need some time to unwind, man, and what better way to do it than to soak up some sun and rock the ganj? Anyways, I'll draw up my plans for the public doom of Australia as well as my ideas for the next State movie and more of the general bitchery I must be coming to be known for.

 

Ciao.

[Guest Incandenza]

My hard work...ruined.

[Guest Incandenza]

Though we are well into the afternoon here in Rome, Kate and Monica are still asleep, laying naked in each other's arms. I have not been up too long myself, for it was a late night, a late night of hot, hot fucking. It disturbs and saddens me to wake up and see such a blow come to the State. Kate and Monica must never know about this, for they are gentle souls, and may not be able to handle the strain that this tragedy would surely cause their delicate psyches.

 

May I suggest that the State of America attain its own website? This board cannot be trusted, obviously.

[Guest Intimacy Goblin]

From the desk of the Commandant:

 

I am here to report that I am alive and well (although the login machine didn't want to believe that I existed for a few minutes) and that your loyal secret police, the Nessun Dorma, is still operating with all of the friendly service that it did before. Once we figured out exactly what the hell happened, I will see that the bastards responsible are hunted down and burned alive. The Nessun Dorma is once again happily awaiting orders from the state.

I for one support incadenza's idea of a state website. And to the Maximum Proconsul: Flyboy's admission into the service of the state has raised some jurisdictional issues within my agency. Despite the fact of records being erased, the Praetorian Guard that the Nessun Dorma established is still very much in existence, doing the job that Flyboy has requested his own agency for. Acknowledging the fact that having two agencies doing the same job would be redundant, I am open to compromise. We can make room for Flyboy to command the Praetorian Guard, or the Maximum Proconsul can see fit to do away with the Guard entirely and allow Flyboy to take over the Guard's job. I await your decision.

[Guest Incandenza]

I will be making an attempt to patch things up with Assistant Proconsul Kinetic today. It is imperative that there be no discord within the Abbey Party's elite, especially in this time of crisis. Plus, Rome is far too beautiful a place for such bitter feelings to linger.

 

(I can only hope he did not see last night's response to him before it was deleted.)

 

EDIT: Assistant Proconsul Kinetic, I humbly request your appearence outside of the Hotel Laurentia off of Via Turbatina at 8pm (about 2.5 hours from now). It is urgent that we talk.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Intimacy Goblin, Flyboy is simply the head of the Praetorian Guard now. Worry not.

 

I'm not good at all with website design or HTML or any of that, so if anyone wants to make a website for the State, go right ahead, you've got my full endorsement. I can't do it myself is all.

[Guest justsoyouknow]

...:::Rubble is everywhere...buildings are in ruin...smoke slowly rises from the rubble and drifts away...a slab of concrete on the ground begins to rock back in forth...first a hand....then an arm....then the entire Secretary of Justice emerges from the rubble. He dusts himself off, then stares into the camera:::...

 

Well, well, well, it looks like those bastards can't defeat Justice after all. I've heard some rumblings about my "lack of activity" in the State's Cabinet. To be perfectly honest with you, I felt my position had been all but eliminated. Here I am, the head of all police in the entire country, and then here comes Intimacy Goblin, who is made head of the faction that I created. He goes around using my creation as he sees fit, without my consent. As the Secretary of Justice, all police stations are to report directly to me. In turn, I report directly to the Maximum Proconsul. Instead we're having some breaches of command from the "head" of the Nessun Dorma. So I'm just the middleman, apparently. And the Party has seen fit to do away with the middleman. A while back, when I was posting in this thread several times a day, I made mention on a lack of posting from certain cabinet members. The response from the Maximum Proconsul was that I was "too ambitious". Then he goes and makes an entire thread about people not posting enough. Our fearless leader then goes out of his way to say that we are not like the Nazis, then when I inquire about trials, he says "Hey, the Nazis had trials, too." When I asked about the inactivity of certain members, he replied, "Hitler called Himler a traitor just because he couldn't get him on the phone a couple of times." So which is it? Are we like the Nazis or aren't we? The direction of this Party has completely lost course. We've gone from planning an entire reconstruction of the government of the United States of America to having fantasy vacations with Chelsea Clinton. But then there's those of us who "don't post enough". Oh, sorry, I'll put up a transcript of my brunch with Angelina Jolie any minute now. But my main concern is the breach of command that occurs pretty much daily in this thread. It's always "The Nessun Dorma and I have sought out the location of Rob Stone" when I never gave that order. So you want to know what I think of this thread? Of this Party? I think in order for us to survive, the chain of command must remain strong. I think in order for us to achieve our goals, we must not make sure that all bases are touched upon. I think this Party has lost its direction. Maybe because our leader is...distracted? Putting a woman in power has always proved to lead to the downfall of many empires. The Czar of Russia put his wife in charge while he went to war, and while he was at war, his enemies pounced and seized control of the country. The Royal Family was later executed...could the same happen to this party? Maybe if we weren't so concerned with trips to Ireland, wedding gifts, and the lot, there wouldn't be so many people "not posting enough". If this in any way affects my standing in the cabinet, I wouldn't be surprised. Just so you know.

 

This has been the Secretary of Justice.

Soon to be the Former Secretary of Justice.

[Guest goodhelmet]

if you are disillusioned with the state JSYK, then join me in the revolution against the revolution. We will pretend to be friends of the state but once we assume enough power, we will eliminate the procunsel and his fascist regime. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

FROM THE DESK OF THE MAXIMUM PROCONSUL

 

To address the Secretary of Justice's very well-thought-out post:

 

You just plain disappeared, so I really didn't know if you had left or not, hence you being grouped with those others.

 

I'm going to set Commandant Intimacy Goblin straight. I really didn't notice how your authority was being undermined. I figured you'd pipe up and say something.

 

I said you were too ambitious when you literally came out and said that you were trying to gain favor for the Ministry of Justice, and then saying that others weren't posting a lot was kind of like a guy going after a girl saying that her boyfriend wasn't paying her much attention in order to gain her favor.

 

I don't know any Italian fascist officials, so I have to keep making references to Nazi officials. The remark about their trials was just to show that even the bloodthirstiest regimes had some facade of due process.

 

Admittedly, an air of decadence has set in over the party. Kinetic going off to Italy is, well, his thing. The Assistant Proconsul is like the Vice President, powerful, but not really needed in the chain of command, so he can do things like that. Besides, we own Europe, so the official Party line is that Kinetic went there to inspect Italian defenses against an attack from North Africa. The First Lady is little more than a housewife as far as activities go, so she can go off to Ireland and such when she pleases.

 

I really brought her in to establish a comedic subplot in the State. So much talk of death to enemies and all was getting a tad dark, and I always considered little ironies like an omnipotent potentate who can have millions killed with a single command cower in the presence of a single woman to be funny.

 

To summarize, we had lost our focus, but now that we have been brought down to Earth by the destruction of 3/4 of our work, the focus is back with a vengeance. The mourning is over, South America is being conquered, and the case against Australia is being secretly compiled by our Czar of Propaganda.

 

Here is how you will fit into the plot: It will be the Ministry of Justice and Nessun Dorma's job to seek out and arrest all Australian immigrants, and kill the ones who resist.

 

New guidelines for the Ministry of Justice:

The Commandant is to report directly to the Secretary of Justice. No more initiatives will be taken without approval from myself or the Secretary of Justice. The Nessun Dorma is a strictly domestic unit, and is not to be used as a military force, unless, as our contingency plans dictate, enemy forces are within 500 land miles of Washington, Los Angeles, or New York. No one is to be killed immediately upon arrest or discovery unless they try to resist arrest. The Ministry of Justice is also to have any musician or entertainer detained by the Ministries of Music and Entertainment referred to it for a show trial. War criminals and prisoners are to be handled by the Ministry of War, which contains within it an attache from the Ministry of Justice. It is also the job of the Ministry of Justice to act as a watchdog on State excesses and lack of focus. A lack of focus led to 9/11 and 6/19, and we don't want it happening again. The Ministry of Homeland Security also reports directly to you, as well as the Praetorian Guard.

 

In summary, under your purview are the Nessun Dorma, Ministry of Homeland Security, and the Praetorian Guard.

 

Yes, your stance in the Cabinet has changed, and you are now endowed with more powers for putting us back on track and hopefully keeping us that way. Your address should be interesting at the Convention.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

And Chancellor Goodhelmet, I don't know why you are obsessed with overthrowing me. I've given you a sweet, cushy job, a large American state and a whole continent to rule over.

[Guest Intimacy Goblin]

From the desk of the Commandant:

 

To the Secretary of Justice: Sorry boss . I had a short change of command for awhile, and I guess things got a little carried away. When I didn't hear from you for some time, some "when the boss is away the men will play" syndrome set in. My sincerest apologies and promise that things will not get out of hand again. Any ideas will go for apporval to you before being sent up the ladder. I'll go stand in the corner and cry for awhile.

 

And what the hell is Goodhelmet on?

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

In case you didn't see it in the Roll Call thread:

 

Deadlines for Convention Addresses(all are EST):

 

7:30 PM Saturday -- General Cabinet members

8:00 PM Saturday -- Chancellor Goodhelmet's Assessment of the State

8:30 PM Saturday -- First Lady BarelyThere speaks on, um... lady stuff.

9:30 PM Saturday -- Assistant Proconsul Kinetic Addresses the State

10:30 PM Saturday -- Maximum Proconsul's State of the State address and closing ceremonies.

 

Send all speeches to me via PM. Make 'em the eqivalent of a 5-10 minute speech if you're General Cabinet or Chancellor Goodhelmet. The First Lady's is 10-15 minutes long. Assistant Proconsul's will be a similar length. Mine will be 15-20 minutes probably, a real doozy. I'll also write up the closing ceremonies and inter-speech activities.

[Guest goodhelmet]

sorry bro as ming the merciless once said "Klytuss, I'm bored! What new plaything do you have for me?"

 

Also, I don't take orders well. Other than that I'm happy gathering up all of the descendants of European royal families and beheading them ala Robespierre!

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

I respect Flash Gordon on many levels, not just for the AWESOME Queen song, but please do not base your bloodlust upon it.

 

I haven't really ordered you to do much. You aren't in any position of real power, so ordering you to do anything, with no Ministry under your control, would be pretty silly.