How to Not Throw Up When You Have Drank Too Much

[Nighthawk 0]

Sure fire. (but any other ideas are welcome):

 

Twist your hand into a claw.

 

Run away from anyone you are with.

 

Place said claw onto your stomach... paw it like a cat pawing a new carpet.

 

Shut the outside world out... quote hardcore rap lyrics in your head.

 

Mine: "Straight outta Compton, crazy motherfucka named Ice Cube... from the gang called Niggas With Attitudes."

 

Continue to repeat this in your head while clawing your stomach... until you feel not so sick anymore. Then spit.

 

Now go and do whatever it is you wanted to do.

 

Cure!

 

And you're done.

[Jingus 0]

Does it have to be rap? Cuz the only lyrics I can quote are from Coolio, and, well, that just doesn't seem appropriate.

 

Also, I would replace "run away" with "walk away briskly". Every time I've been nauseous and trying to make it to a toilet or some other safe place to hurl, if I panic and actually break into a run it invariably ends in me having to clean much more furniture than I'd hoped for. One time I was about two seconds too late (tm Alanis Morisette, 1996) and somehow Jackson Pollocked the toilet, myself, and all three walls of the bathroom stall with one thunderous projectile blast. It was like I'd stepped on a Bouncing Betty which was loaded with half-digested Skyy vodka instead of shrapnel. I still have no idea how I did it, it just didn't seem physically possible, but one of my similarly inebriated buddies made sure to take a camera phone picture for posterity. I sadly don't have the pic, but it confirmed the ghastly grand guignol scale of the eruption and that it wasn't just a case of drunken Caught A Fish THIS Big auto-retconning.

 

 

EDIT: upon further reflection, I believe the correct quote from the work of Ms. Alanis is, in fact, "two minutes too late". Incidentally, the image of someone hurling up the entire contents of their guts in one explosive spasm would make a fine metaphor for her musical career, which post-Jagged Little Pill has been seemingly nothing but a series of silent dry heaves.

[King Kamala 0]

I don't know if a single song has killed a career quite as violently as "Thank You" killed Alanis Morissette's

[Kinetic 0]

It sounded remarkably similar to various songs on the Jagged Little Pill album. The real issue with the demise of her career was just overexposure, with the nonstop avalanche of singles from her first album. There were also unsettling rumors: the Dave Coulier thing, getting gallons of semen pumped from her stomach, etc.

[snuffbox 0]

I thought that was just Rod Stewart.

[Kinetic 0]

You thought what was just Rod Stewart?

[Cheech Tremendous 0]

You thought what was just Rod Stewart?

 

 

Were there rumors of Dave Coulier going down on Rod Stewart in a movie theater that I just don't remember?

[Kinetic 0]

No, but I can start one.

[Ginger Snaps 0]

Sure fire. (but any other ideas are welcome):

 

I thought you were trying to cut down on your substance abuse.

[King Kamala 0]

I thought that was just Rod Stewart.

 

I think I've heard variations of that same rumor with Elton John and David Bowie in there instead of Stewart.

[Your Paragon of Virtue 0]

Also heard the rumour about Lil Kim as well. It pops up every few years or so I guess, and enough people believe it.

[Kinetic 0]

I only heard it about Alanis Morisette. It seemed plausible enough.

[Kinetic 0]

Maybe Milky can advise us on how to avoid having gallons of semen pumped from our stomachs. There's a real public service.

[Nighthawk 0]

Sure fire. (but any other ideas are welcome):

 

I thought you were trying to cut down on your substance abuse.

 

I am. I was pretty drunk when I was making this thread, but it was ok, because it was a special occasion and I had been celebrating. I won't go into details about what I was celebrating, but trust me, it was very sweet and endearing, and had nothing to do with horrible sex acts.

 

Anyway, regarding the ingestion of semen, there was a girl I used to go out with who had a fetish for it, so me and a couple other guys jerked off and saved it for like a week. Refrigerated, of course. In the end, we heated it up and she chugged it. It wasn't a gallon, but it was a hell of a lot of cum... maybe like a cup and a half. It looked pretty good when she was drinking it, because it was running all over her chin and everything, but in hindsight, that was actually her cheating. But in any case, she didn't have to throw up at all.

 

And unless you're in a situation like that, there's just no way you can swallow enough cum for it to be a problem.

[The Niggardly King 0]

I like to rap Too Short. "Blowjob Betty" has gotten me out of puking many a time.

[Lt. Al Giardello 0]

blah, blah, blah

 

SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU DICKLESS NAZI FAG

[Nighthawk 0]

blah, blah, blah

 

I don't remember saying that...

 

Also, don't call me dickless when I'm one of only four people here who have actually posted a picture of their dick. I understand the implication, but it's inappropriate.

[Lt. Al Giardello 0]

blah, blah, blah

 

I don't remember saying that...

 

Also, don't call me dickless when I'm one of only four people here who have actually posted a picture of their dick. I understand the implication, but it's inappropriate.

 

You got the tip of your dick bitten off by a bi-sexual, bi-polar, former lawyer while in prison... So shut the fuck up, you little bitch! Before I come down to your house right now, and have sex with your mom.

[Nighthawk 0]

My mom doesn't live at my house.

[Lt. Al Giardello 0]

My mom doesn't live at my house.

 

You're right. You live at your mothers house.

[Nighthawk 0]

Ice burn.

[Jingus 0]

When and why did Simon Holyfield's Missing Carlito start hatin' on the Milker so vehemently?

[Nighthawk 0]

I think it was the faggot/nigger exchange.

 

He's just playing, though.

He really likes me, because we're both Oz fans.

[Lt. Al Giardello 0]

I think it was the faggot/nigger exchange.

 

He's just playing, though.

He really likes me, because we're both Oz fans.

 

Pretty much.

 

Milky is a fun poster to e-beef with.