The Agent of Oblivion question of the day

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

If you could kill one living person without fear of legal consequences or revenge, who would it be and why?

[Big Ol' Smitty 0]

Osama bin Laden, obv.

[Gary Floyd 0]

Rush Limbaugh.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

And why, you fucking cunts.

[Big Ol' Smitty 0]

(obv.)

[PILLS! PILLS! PILLS! 0]

For my own personal amusement, I'd like to take that bitch Shirley Phelps-Roeper out with my bare hands. Having one less psychopathic religious zealot on this planet would be nothing short of a wonderful thing.

[BruteSquad_BRODY 0]

That little boy across the street, for the orgasms

[Gary Floyd 0]

And why, you fucking cunts.

Because he's fucking Rush Limbaugh. He's the anti-me.

[King Cucaracha 0]

Ricky Gervais.

 

Contrary to your belief, we don't want to see that fucking dance you did on The Office anymore and you don't have any other material. Stop being such a smug twat.

[Guest Czech please!]

Ah, the One Free Kill, a favorite discussion topic from my high school days. Now this is a good question. The problem with picking Osama for One Free Kill is that if everyone gets one, you can almost certainly rely on someone else using theirs on him. Why be redundant? You have to maximize the results of 1FK by picking the most obscure target possible, resting assured that your more prominent foes will be whacked by other people. (You also have to concede that it's almost certain that someone would use theirs on you, and by "you" I mean "me, a guy named Dan who portrays unpopular undermined-authority figure The Czech Republic on a stupid message board," which is a downer.) Yeah, I want lots of people dead, but somehow I feel there are plenty of people who would like to beat me to the punch for better reasons than my own on Osama bin Laden, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, George W. Bush, Bernie Madoff, and Jim Belushi, so I'll yield on those and keep it personal.

 

My third grade teacher was the worst person in my life because she forced me to take drugs as a child with an undeveloped brain that may well now be irreparably scrambled, and she went to greater lengths than anyone else to make me hate school and set me on a course for underachievement. If I were to chart my life and ask myself "where did all go wrong?", I'd probably have to point to when I felt like my classmates, teacher, and family were all against me, and they pretty much were, culminating in me having to take Ritalin in what were some of the worst months of my life. To say nothing of how I forever lost any enthusiasm for school, I'm so scarred to this day by the entire experience that the mere idea of having my consciousness altered freaks me out like some once-abused housepet. I can't even have a drink or smoke a joint at a party because I'm so frightened of in some small way not being me, even during the times when I didn't like me! I can acknowledge the crux of the biscuit and still can't get over it! I know it's probably a stupid justification, but that hasn't made me stick to it any less. Sure, having to switch to public school because of rising tuition rates at the gifted school may have taken me off the surefire path to greatness before any of this "you're stupid and need to be medicated" stuff arose, but I'd still have turned out a hell of a lot better without it. Nobody's had a more adverse effect on my life, nobody. I would kill her.

 

That's presuming she's not already dead. If so, I'd just kill Don Henley.

[Cheech Tremendous 0]

And Czech finally nails the Kinetic humor. Well done, sir.

[Lord of The Curry 0]

After reading Czech's little rant there I kinda feel like killing his teacher too.

[Jingus 0]

Czech, have you ever gotten drunk, or (perhaps more important) stoned? Legit curious, since until this explanation I was always puzzled by your adamant sXe stance.

 

"Who would you kill" is always a rather moot question for me. I mean, once I've had a sociopathic maniac who shot my father full of holes and planned to kill others in my family as well, it's pretty much a gimme.

[At Home 0]

Without a doubt, my senior Japanese teacher, Nagaue Sensei. Quite possibly the most hated human being at my high school, this woman had few warming physical features about her. Her shrill voice was accompanied by a tiny, almost-midget body, which was further accompanied by two fingertips that had been sliced off by a meat slicer. She exuded these qualities that would make you hate a person. For one, she had no sense of humor at all unless she was failing one of us. Secondly, she would take every slight in speaking the language as some horribly irreversible folly, and would grade accordingly. There were only three students in the class who received an A on a test, ever.

 

Probably the reason specifically why I would like to murder her is the fact that she had decided to cast me out of her favor simply on the basis that I was white. Remember that I went to a school where white people made up less than 20% of the school. The class was made up of Japanese kids, who enlisted the help of their parents whenever it need be and pretty much had an inborn taste for speaking the language because they were around it as kids. Now, my languages of choice are Spanish, French, and Dutch, because those were the languages I had become accustomed to over my childhood, and Japanese became increasingly difficult for me as the years went on, and then I hit a brick wall with this bitch. She was an old-fashioned Japanese woman, and had a cultural aversion to white people. She refused to help me after class no matter what the circumstance, and when I sat down with her and talked to her mano-e-japaneseo, her response was "you don't try in class, so I'm not going to help you." She created this hellish circle of failing for me, where she geared her class to be as uncomfortable to learn in as possible, then I would fall behind, study my ass off, still fail, and then ask for help, but get refused on the grounds that I was not doing well in the class.

 

I tried to get her fired, but the farthest I got was a slap on the wrist from the higher ups. She was old and will probably live forever because that is the curse of asian women, so it's unfortunate that Hanson brothers from hereon in will still have to dredge through her class in order to pass high school.

[Lt. Al Giardello 0]

If you could kill one living person without fear of legal consequences or revenge, who would it be and why?

 

Thomas Robb...

[migoli 0]

I actually mentioned this a few weeks ago. It would be between 3 people. Larry the Cable Guy is my first thought though. They guy is not funny but for some reason people latched on to "Git-R-Done" like it came straight from the bible.

 

My other 2 are work related bosses. The first guy Al is barely a supervisor but he thinks he's the shit. Guy is good friends with my uncle who also works with me but from day 1 the guy was a dick to me and makes comments about how I suck at my job no matter if they make sense or not. The other guy is pretty much second in command there but everyone hates this guy. Speaks monotone all the time and is always telling us how we need to be more professional. Meanwhile this prick is breaking his OWN rules he made like no smoking except in certain areas but he is seen 3-4 times a day sneaking out to have a cig just outside of a fire exit. He swears nonstop whenever there is a big meeting. He has told us many times we are worthless or something close to worthless. I have spent many days at work imagining what I would do if I won the powerball ever and everytime I think about it my first thought is what kind of terrible things I would do to this man. I've decided I would spend at least my first night of millionaire status in jail for beating the piss out of this man.

[Kinetic 0]

I would decline the opportunity. I've never hated anyone in my personal life enough to actually want to murder them, and I fail to see what would be accomplished by killing some entertainer for sucking or disappointing me.

 

Lot of angry people around here. Love, guys. Don't hate. Love.

[Copper Feel 0]

Probably my younger sister. She was an accident anyway, so it's not as if anyone would miss her.

[... 0]

Quite possibly myself. The guaranteed "no consequences" policy would then be put to the test and one could determine the veracity of life after death without the necessity of being punished by whatever deity is in charge here. Break the system, I says.

[Mr. S£im Citrus 0]

I decline to name the person I'd really want to kill, due to pending legal action, so I'll put the person who's number-two on my shit list: Stephon Marbury.

[Art Sandusky 0]

I would kill any given redneck out in Allendale County, SC. Pieces of shit out there blame everyone but themselves for their hellish, static existence. It's the fault of blacks, or Mexicans, or Floridians moving in and ruining their "pristine" way of life. Fuck you all for voting against your own interests every November. You put yourselves in this mess with every "nigger," every "wetback," every "goddamn liberal" you've blamed for your dead-end lives. Look at yourselves in the mirror and ask yourself who's at fault for your impoverished way of life. Yes, I'd kill the poor, but just a high-profile redneck to show how futile their resistance to the 21st century is.

[Kinetic 0]

I would decline the opportunity. I've never hated anyone in my personal life enough to actually want to murder them, and I fail to see what would be accomplished by killing some entertainer for sucking or disappointing me.

 

Lot of angry people around here. Love, guys. Don't hate. Love.

 

Then again, I think I might like to go back in time and kill Spaceman Ross's mother at some point during her pregnancy. I'd like to kick little fetus Spaceman Ross around the neighborhood like a can for a few minutes, prior to returning to my own time and a suddenly and blissfully Spaceman Ross-free message board.

[Jingus 0]

The guaranteed "no consequences" policy would then be put to the test and one could determine the veracity of life after death without the necessity of being punished by whatever deity is in charge here. Break the system, I says.

CoOS wins.

[Big Ol' Smitty 0]

Czech, the rules didn't say everyone on earth got to kill someone they didn't like, it said me.

[Jingus 0]

If everyone on earth got to kill someone... well, simple math would point out the problem there. Especially if there was a rule that everyone had to pick their own unique victim with no duplicates.

[... 0]

And really, killing anyone such as X-Individual or Y-Group member is a bit like stepping on ants. There's always going to be someone to take their place in the long run and nothing is going to be affected. That's why I take the question as a little more existential.

[At Home 0]

Not my Japanese teacher. She is the devil.

[Nighthawk 0]

Sexually assault, rape and then kill/while killing Dakota Fanning.

[PILLS! PILLS! PILLS! 0]

Good answer.

[The Niggardly King 0]

I'd rather violently rape, and I pick eliza douchecrew