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It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it.

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How To Vibrate
 

The Dead Pit (Day 5)

05.) The Dead Pit (1989)

Plot: Years ago, Dr. Gerald Swan (Jeremy Slate) discovered Dr. "Bad reference to a great director" Ramzi (Danny Gochnauer) performing horrible experiments on patients. Years later, a woman known only as Jane Doe (Cheryl Lawson, looking great in a nipple hugging baby-tee and panties) comes to the mental facility. However, Dr. Ramzi has returned from the dead-as has a horde of zombies.

Review: Released to video in 1989 (complete with an awesome VHS cover with light up eyes), "The Dead Pit" was one of the last notable independent zombie movies for a while (well, until people decided to stop using camcorders to make zombie movies, but hey), and was the first movie from Brett Leonard. It has since garnered something of a cult following, with some claiming that it's a lost classic, while others calling it one of the worst zombie movie ever made. To tell the truth, it's neither.

For one thing, the acting (with the exception of Slate and Gochnauer) ranges from over the top, to just forgettable. As hot as Lawson may be, she can't act to save her life, though she at least seems to be trying. While the movie is largely played straight, it's attempts at humor are poor at best, with Ramzi spouting dreadful one-liners that making him look like a D-Grade Freddy. Also, it takes an hour for the dead to get to business.

When the dead do rise however, the movie picks up considerably. While not the goriest zombie movie, we get some choice bits: brains are torn out and eaten with relish, brains receive acupuncture, a heart is torn out, a scalpel is shoved up a nurse's nose, and zombies melt into puddles of goo. Also, the dead can only be killed with Holy Water in this movie, which makes for an original twist. The score by Dan Wyman is a little dated, but fits the mood perfectly, and contains some genuinely unnerving moments.

"The Dead Pit" is worth a rental at least, though hardcore devotees to horror have seen better. If anything, it's a nice time waster, though for a movie that loves to show brains, it doesn't have much brains on it's own.

Brett Leonard would go on to direct The Lawnmower Man, Hideaway, Virtuosity, Man-Thing, and the underrated Feed. His latest is the new Highlander movie.

Rating: 6/10 It's like a bag of Twizzlers-not bad, but you won't remember it.

Tomorrow's Movie: Vengence of the Zombies
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

The Dead Hate The Living! (Day 17)

17.) The Dead Hate The Living! (2000)

Plot: A band of would be filmmakers go to an abandoned hospital, and find a real dead body-which they use for the movie. It ends up opening a portal to hell-and unleashing some zombies.

Review: I make no apologies whatsoever when I say that I like the movie Scream. Sure, I may lose cred to some horror nerds, but I answer only to myself, thank you. I don't like though, what came after "Scream": A series of annoying, self aware horror movies that thought they were clever, but weren't. Case in point: "The Dead Hate The Living", released by the one interesting Full Moon Studios, is proof that a love for zombie movies does not make a good zombie movie.

The movie is full of references to other, better horror movies: Return of the Living Dead, The Beyond, Cannibal Ferox, to name a few-and while it's heart seems to be in the right place, it all comes off as fanboyish nonsense, which is essentially what it is. Not only that, it's bad fanboyish nonsense. The acting is non-existence, the references to Bruce Campbell and Fangoria are annoying, the soundtrack-filled with bad horror punk, psychobilly, and horrorcore rap-is grating, and the mugging for the camera hurts as well.

To be fair, the zombie and gore FX are decent, but they aren't enough to save this dreck from being any good.

Writer/Director David Parker would go on to write the notoriously bad House of the Dead (no, he's not happy with the way it turned out-can't say I blame him), and was originally attached to direct a Michael vs. Pinhead movie, though that movie never came to pass thank God. He also acted in the movie Free Enterprise, which is actually a pretty damn good comedy. Amazingly, when "Dead Hate The Living!" came out, some were praising Parker as one of horror's next big things, which shows how bad the shape of the genre was in at the time. After HOTD, his career never took off or fully recovered.

Rating: 2/10 Proof that while anyone can make a zombie movie, not everyone can make a good one.

Next Review: Let's Scare Jessica To Death
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

The Day After

-Well, right now, it seems like the Democrats are going to take over. While I'm no Democrat, it's good to see that some change might be coming. Meanwhile,I've seen Bleeding Heart Conservatives react in different ways. Some are complaining (talk radio), some are trying to spin it so it will look like they sort of won (talk radio, Fox News), and some are just going to act obnoxiously for the next few weeks (Czech, who's suddenly transformed into our new reactionary conservative over the previous days. Personally, it's good to see him squirm, since he seems to realize that time is running out.)   -Masters of Horror was good last Friday. It had George Wendt, believe it or not (who plays a pretty convincing psycho), and was a good balance between dry humor and creepy atmosphere.   -I went to a poetry reading headlined by Saul Williams last night. It was awesome, and I might buy some of his books in the future.   -Donald Rumsfeld resigned. I actually never expected it to happen, it's great to see that he's finally gone.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

The Covenent, The Swrd, & The Arm of the Lord

-Well, Bush is still saying he won't pull out of Iraq. I would be angry, but at this point, it's such a non-suprise, I just can't throw a fit. It still pisses me off, but I can't do anything about it, so what's the use in complaining?   -Be sure to check out Masters of Horror...oh, why bother? I'm obviously the only person on this board who watches MoH, so what's the fucking point?   -As far as Christmas goes, I want an IPod, two t-shirts, a CD, and maybe a DVD. Yep, that's it. Hey, IPods are damn expensive.   -I rented "See No Evil" recently, and as expected, it sucked. Fortunately, it's laughably bad, and has two or three cool kills, so I'll give it that. That out of the way, I don't think Jason Voorhees would see any competition in Kane.   -Speaking of Horror movies, I'll probably check out "Turistas" tomorrow. I doubt it will be good, but T want to see an R-rated Horror movie in theatres, and I missed "Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning."
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

The Countdown Ends

02.) Vanilla Fudge-The Beat Goes On The award winner for the most pretentious album of all time, this is an album made up of covers (Vanilla Fudge were largely a covers band) of the Beatles, Sunny and Cher, Mozart, and others. There aren't any real songs on it, as it's pretty much an album made up largely of various versions of "The Beat Goes On", as we hear world leaders (yeah, the love ins are just dying out here) telling of the bomb dropping, and other such things. Bummer. Oh, and it also has interview excerpts of the band talking about how disheartening and cold the industry is. Well, they agreed to release this (and Having Fun With Elvis on Stage). Oh, and it has and readings from the Bible and JFK and Hitler and bad prog rock noodling and-the list goes on. This is the most over indulgent, self important piece of shit ever recorded. Really, listen to it, then see if you disagree with me. It takes the song "The Beat Goes On", and tries to trace it to the history of Western Civilization.   01.) VA-Sgt. Peppers Lonely Heart's Club Band OST This album is proof of everything that is evil about the record industry, and is the worst album of all time. First, the backstory: You Know of the Beatles album. Hell, I'm sure you own it. Well, the man that gave you "Saturday Night Fever" and "Grease" (I always hated those movies) decided that the album would be a great movie. So he cast The Bee-Gees, Peter Frampton, Steve Martin (why Steve), George Burns, Jeff Beck, Aerosmith, and Alice Cooper. That's right, one of the greatest albums ever recorded was turned into a failed marketing attempt. The end result is largely considered to be the worst album ever recorded, and for good reason. It also destroyed the careers of the Bee-Gees, Frampton, Earth Wind and Fire,and almost destroyed Jeff Beck Alice Cooper's. The album got released, and got so many returns and complaints, that the industry actually asked RCA for their certificate back. The rest is history.     And that is the end of it. Hope you liked the countdown. Here's a recap to end it all   50.) The new Insane Clown Posse Album. (include because Carnival hates it so much) 49.) Boston-Corporate America 48.) Coil-Constant shallowness Leads To Evil 47.) Neil Young-Landing on Water 46.) Hammer-The Funky Headhunter 45.) The Rolling Stones-Dirty Work 44.) Pink Floyd-The Final Cut 43.) A Perfect Circle-eMotive 42.) Roger Waters-Radio K.A.O.S. 41.) Current 93-Aryan Aquarians 40.) Rage Against The Machine-Renegades 39.) Yes-Big Generator 38.) Frank Sinatra-Trilogy 37.) Public Enemy-Muse Sick-N-Hour-Mess Age 36.) Stone Roses-Second Coming 35.) Emerson, Lake, and Palmer-Love Beach 34.) Cabaret Voltaire-Groovy, Laid Back, and Nasty 33.) Can-Saw Delight 32.) Burzum-Daudi Baldrs 31.) Ministry-Filth Pig 30.) The Happy Mondays-Yes, Please 29.) Death in June-All Pigs Must Die 28.) Prince-The Rainbow Children 27.) Kiss-Music for the Elder 26.) Foetus Symphony Orchestra-York 25.) Michael Jackson-HIStory 24.) Madonna-American Life 23.) Kevin Federline-Playing With Fire (because no list of worst albums would be complete without it) 22.) Vanilla Ice-Hard to Swallow 21.) Eminem-Encore 20.) Tin Machine-Tin Machine 19.)The Heads-No Talking, Just Head 18.) Slayer-Diabolus in Musica 17.) DJ Shadow-The Outsider 16.) Black Sabbath-Never Say Die! 15.) Black Sabbath-Forbidden 14.) Judas Priest-Turbo 13.) Van Halen-Van Halen III 12.) Depeche Mode-Songs of Faith and Devotion Live 11.) Genesis-Calling All Stations 10.) Butthole Surfers-The Weird Revolution 09.) The Clash-Cut the Crap 08.) Aerosmith-Rock in a Hard Place 07.) Elvis Presley-Having Fun on Stage 06.) Mick Jagger-She's the Boss 05.) Chunky A-Large and In Charge 04.) Metallica-St. Anger 03.) Pink Floyd-A Momentary Lapse in Reason 02.) Vanilla Fudge-The Beat Goes On 01.) VA-Sgt. Peppers Lonely Heart's Club Band OST            
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

The Condemned: A Review

There's bad movies, and then there's WWE Films.   Ok, I take that back: "The Rundown" was pretty fun. This one is no Rundown though. It's mearly a poor man's "Battle Royale" with a tacked on moral message.   The plot: A new reality show exclusive to the internet has been created by a bigshot Hollywood producer (Robert Mammone). The show puts 10 people on death row on an island, and gives them 30 hours to live. Among the contestants: Jack Conrad (Steve Austin, who does an good job), whose like, got a family you know; and McStarley (Vinnie Jones, who steals the show), who's the sick villain you love to hate. Oh, and there's some message about how violence is wrong. That's right, WWE is telling you that violence is wrong.   What could have been a decent action movie is ruined by some poor performances, stereotypes, overly realistic violence (World Wrestling Entertainment is making a STATEMENT!), a generic soundtrack (come on, Nickleback? Though Grame Revell's score is competant), preachiness, and more. While Austin, Jones, and Masa Yamaguchi do commendable jobs, the rest of the cast is a poorly written blend of dumb kids weened on violent video games (World Wrestling Entertainment is making a STATEMENT!), a sterotypical greedy Hollywood bigshot, the concerned female, the worried wife, and thugs and rapists. Character actor Rick Hoffman (he of "Hostel" and "Cellular" fame) has a performance that could have been better if the screenplay by Rob & Andrew Hedden, who are writers for WWE, knew how to write interesting characters.   Speaking of WWE, the movie is yet another example of how WWE Films essentially fails to deliver on the dumb but fun kind of spectacle you would want. A movie like "See No Evil" could have been a decent throwback to the Slasher flicks of old, but instead was just "Saw" lite. "The Marine" could have been a decent afternoon action flick, but failed even at a rudimentary level. Here, "The Condemned" also could have been a fun action flick, but is bogged down by a preachy message, which reaches MST3K movie levels of ineptitude when the reporter asks the audience "Are we the condemned?" In short, while they are laughably bad, WWE Films so far has yet to create an enjoyable B-Movie.   But hey, who needs that when World Wrestling Entertainment is making a STATEMENT! Too bad for them that Paul Verhoven, George Romero, and even Eli Roth have too, and to much better success.   Rating: 3 out of 10.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

3
How To Vibrate
 

The Child (Day 13)

13.) The Child (1977)

Plot:A newly hired housekeepr must take care of a spoiled, troubled kid named Rosalie, who has telekinetic powers. She uses these powers to summon her friends-a group of malevolent zombies-to do her bidding.

Review: "The Child" is a flawed but watchable entity. Shot for about $30,000, the movie played in drive ins and Grindhouses as part of a double bill with Fredrick Friedels' odd Axe, and is something of a minor cult classic in some respects.

The movie has it's share of flaws: poor acting (Rosalie Cole is particularly annoying as the evil Rosalie), and the score (an overbearing mix of bad synth squalls and overwrought piano), as well as taking what feels like an eternity to get going.

When it does get going though, the movie picks up considerably. The onslaught of the undead, while not huge, is still great stuff, and the make up effects for the zombies is quite good and original, especially when you consider the budget. The movie eventually channels Night of the Living Dead with it's zombie seige conclusion, though it still works.

"The Child" is not a perfect movie, and doesn't exactly come with a recommendation, but it's a decent timewaster, and would make a great double bill with Bob Clark's Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things.

Rating: 6.5 "The Child" is a cult oddity that should please fans of mini-budget weirdness.

Next on the plate: The Swamp of the Ravens
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

The Bird With The Crystal Plumage

-Last night I watched The Bird With The Crystal Plumage, and I loved it. It's a great piece of early giallo style horror cinema, and it was Dario Argento's directorial review.   -Listened to the reissue to Chapterhouses album Whirlpool, and it's pretty good. The bonus tracks (all ep songs) are a mixed bag (some are great, some not so great) but the album tracks are great. Good to see a reissue of this, as it's a bit of a lost classic in the shoegazer era.   -It seems like a guy from Fox News has stepped in as Bush's new advisor. If you ask me, I'm suprised it took this long for a guy from Fox News to officially work for Bush, but it's happened. I will say this: He's probably the envy of a lot of the folks that work at Fox news.   -I enjoy the Colbert report, but I must admit: I think that sometimes, he overplays the character a bit. It's not that hard to mock/satirize dudes like Hannity, but he sometimes overdoes his character, making it a little annoying.   -And now, as I promised last night, here's my list of underrated/underappreciated comedy movies   National Lampoon's European Vacation-Not as good as the first Vacation movie, or Christmas Vacation, but infanately better than Vegas Vacation. There are some lame moments (the dreadful 80's fashions come to mind), but there are some great moments, such as Eric Idle's appearances, and Clark forgetting to turn off the camcorder when he's having sex with his wife (and said video making it on the French Porn market).   Pootie Tang-This, along with Undercover Brother, are far superior to the overrated Austin Powers movies (though I do love the second Powers movie the most). Everything about this movie is hysterical, from the Villains (Jennifer Coolidge as an over the top hooker, David Cross as a Pootie Tang Impersonator) to the soundtrack ("I Wanna Be Your Man" by Zapp and Roger in particular, is a great highlight), to the appearences from other comics (Todd Berry comes to mind) to Pooties daddy, to the guy who always repeats what others are saying, to Dirty D ("They made me shower!"), to Pooties way with the ladies, to Bob Costas, to Pooties dialogue in general, to the absurd fight scenes-just about everything in this movie is hilarious.   Kung Pow-I'm only mentioning this because I don't know anyone that loves this movie. How can anybody hate a movie with Gopher Chucks and a villain named Bettie? Plus: "That's alotta nuts!"   Shaolin Soccer-Not as good as Kung Fu Hustle, but close enough. Have I ever mentioned that Stephen Chou is fucking awesome?   Canadian Bacon-The last movie John Candy starred in, and the only movie Michael Moore has done that I can honestly enjoy. The highlights: John and the boys forgetting the words to Born in the U.S.A. and Oklahoma, and the scene at the camp fire were we realize that the black guy is always the first guy to die in movies.   Joes Apartment -Singing cockroaches (one voiced by Dave Chappel), making fun of scenester kids, a man named Walter Shit, syncronized swimming in a toilet, Robert Vaughn, and Don Ho. I have always loved this movie, but nobody else seems to.   Beavis and Butthead Do America-The peyote trip itself is a highlight of 90's comedy in itself. Also: "The guys who's trailer off they were wacking" may be one of the funniest things ever said.   Dirty Work-Norm McDonald was always underrated in my eyes, and this movie proves it. Moments such as "Men in Black-Having Sex with Other men" are good, but the dead hookers in a car joke is a thing of comic genius.   Street Trash-Essentially a horror comedy, but oh well. Here's a movie with a liquor that causes the body to melt into monet like colors, or causes it to explode. Also has: rape, necrophillia, a cop who pukes on people, bad dialogue, fart jokes, and most memorably of all: A game of Hot Potato with a severed penis.   Very Bad Things-The wanna be Quentin Tarentino moments suck, but the rest of this movie is great. Jokes about chopping up hookers, Daniel Stern going insane, Christian Slater being an evil asshole, and a wonderfully dark ending.   The Cable Guy-Jim Carey as a psychotic stalker. When this came out, critics (and audiences) hated it, or didn't understand it. I think this sucker a a great piece of dark comedy. Also, to this day, I sometimes say "Oh Billy!"   Cabin Boy-I don't care what anybody says: this movie is awesome. Chris Elliot, a cameo from David Letterman, and great dialogue ("These Pipe Are Clean!").
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

2
How To Vibrate
 

The 2 Lamest Forms fo Pornography

No description needed. With NSFW examples.   5.) Hentai-Hey, why not wack off to something that isn't even real! Come on, why masturbate to animation or drawings? Just go with the real thing, it will save you the embarresment. Another reason hentai goes here is because of it's fantasy element. And by that, I mean tentacles. Just watch a gang bang video if you want to see a girl surrounded by a swarm of cocks.   4.) Erotic Fanfiction-Believe it or not, this used to be dominated by lonely guys without a chance of getting laid. Now it's dominated by sexually repressed teenage girls and housewives who like to think if Goku or Harry Potter taking it in the ass. Oh, and fictional males becoming impregnated.   3.) Furry Porn-What's worse than spanking it to anime? Spanking it to anthropomorphic animals and dressing up like said animals for sex. Someday, the internet will become so ingrated into the minds of humanity that normal consensual sex will be frowned upon and looked at as taboo.   2.) Second Life-Can't get laid? Masturbation just not doing it anymore? Then go to Second Life and pretend that you're getting pussy! It's pretty much virtual sex, only more widely used, and more pathetic. Oh, and apparently, furries have now gotten in on it. And yes, they watch anthropomorphic animals fucking instead of virtual people, which is even more pathetic than watching virtual people.   1.) Girls Gone Wild-Compared to the other examples, this one is tame. That's one of the reason's I included this, and why it is the most pathetic form of pornography available: porn that really isn't porn at all. Sure, there's all the tits and ass you'd expect, but it's so tame. It's pretty much porn for those who are too weak to look at actual porn.   And that's the list.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

1
How To Vibrate
 

The "death" of Vince McMahon

Vince, you old bastard, you did it: You got me to post in the WWE folders again.   In case you haven't seen it, Vince got in his lime last night at the end of Raw, and   Yep, they killed the Mr. McMahon character. Or at least for a while.   This is awesome. Yeah, it's dumb, but that's why it's great. TNA may have some of the better workers, but they can't come up with something like this. They come up with bullshit like VKM tormenting the WWE or Ron Killings doing horrible raps dissing the WWE. This is one of the reasons why compared to Vince, no matter how bad the product is (it's actually been decent lately), is still more interesting and better than TNA. I only watch TNA every now and again. I watch WWE more. Hell, it's got me posting in the WWE folders again, which I haven't done in ages.   I am talking about wrestling again, which I haven't done in ages. I haven't been this interested in a long time. This folks, is good television.   Of course, Vince will return. But for now, let's enjoy it.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

7
How To Vibrate
 

That's the way it is

-Well, Hillary announced she had presidential aspirations. I really don't think it's a good idea. Most people, Republican and Democrat, don't want her to run, though she does have a better chance of winning than Kucinich, but a wounded puppy has a better chance than him. Me, I'm getting behind Obama or Richardson.   -In better news, the remake of "The Hitcher" didn't exactly tear up the box office. It almost seems like people are finally starting to get tired of shitty remakes of horror classics, though that won't stop anytime soon. I hear "Friday the 13th" and (sigh) "The Birds" are the next planned remakes.   If you ask me, if you are going to remake a horror movie, remake one that nobody knows about, or was bad to begin with. For example, I like George Romero's "The Crazies", but I wouldn't mind a remake of it. Also, look at Tobe Hoopers take on the "Toolbox Murders", which was a remake of a shitty horror movie, and much better than the original. Hell, why not remake a movie like "Prom Night" or Zombie Creeping Flesh." Both are shitty horror movies that few people know about or remember, and those that do don't exactly have fond memories of them, so remaking them woudn't cause a fit.    
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

That's pretty gay dude

-The reason for this entry's title: "Hairspray" and "I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry" are in theatres. That's pretty gay.   -There's a thread in CS right now that started with something MikeSC said. I'm I really missing something over at The Pit. Last I checked, the music folder isn't too active. Also, how did Mike try to spin the Mark Foley thing?   -In case you didn't see Larry King last night, it seems like Tammy Faye Baker will be kicking the bucket soon. A shame really, as she's one of the few fundies I can think of who's tolerable, and who seems like a nice person.   -A creepy looking couple was caught having sex in public. The Couple themselves: It's never the couples who you want to see. He looks like a white trash version of David Cross.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

1
How To Vibrate
 

Tarzan the Rapeman

-Well, the Queen visited thw Whitehouse today, and things went well from what I've heard. Right now, I'm pretty pissed off at Bush, but I'll leave that for another post.   -I haven't seen "Spiderman 3", but from what I've heard, I didn't miss much. Shrek the 3rd comes out next week, and to be honest with you, I don't care. I'm just doing what I can to not buy products with Shrek on them. I swear to God, the last one sponsered so many products that I'm suprised Shrek and Donkey didn't start shilling Maxipads.   "Wow Donkey, these new Maxipads work better than the old ones! They're so absorbent!" "Yeah Shrek, I haven't felt this fresh in a long time!"   Anyways, it made about $148 Million in the U.S. over the weekend. At least I have "28 Weeks Later" on Friday.   -Lately, I've been hearing about a bunch of Christians who feel threatened by notable Athiests, thinking that the likes of Richard Dawkins will try to convert their children. You know folks, I'm not an Athiest or Agnostic, but I'm sick of hearing these fundies cry over this shit. Seriously, why should anybody care whether or not somebody believes in God? I don't give a flying fuck if somebody's an Athiest, its not affecting me, and its not affectecting anybody else. Yet Kirk Cameron (remember him?) and his pals are feeling threatened. Get over it, none of these guys want to convert you into Atheism. Just because Christopher Hitchens (who's a Bush supporter from what I've heard) doesn't believe in God and writes a book that tells you why does not mean that he's trying to turn you into an Athiest.   Also, there was a Death Metal band named Athiest who were actually pretty good, and I normally can't stand Death Metal.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

2
How To Vibrate
 

Swamp Of the Ravens (Day 14)

14.) Swamp Of The Ravens (1974)

Plot: Dr. Frosta preys on Beggars and Gypsies so he can continue his work on the dead. When his girlfriend leaves him, things get pretty bad.

Review: A Spanish/American co-production, "Swamp Of the Ravens" is a good example of a meat and potatoes exploitation movie: it might not meet all the requirements, but it still has enough to count some.

The movie itself isn't that much of a zombie movie, as the doctor's failed experiments float and hang around the swamp. It's really more of a Mad Scientist movie, with plenty of evil doings and little if any zombie action. Also, there aren't many ravens in this swamp-there's a lot of buzzards though.

Still, the movie has enough sleaze and weirdness to make it watchable. This includes a little gore (including real life autopsy footage), nudity (including necrophilia-not that graphic though), a score that sounds like outtakes from a Yes album, and a weird lounge act with a ventriloquist.They sure don't make 'em like this anymore.

"Swamp Of The Ravens" is a decent time waster: it might not meet all of your hopes, but it's watchable, and has it's moments nonetheless.

Rating: As a zombie movie, 2/10, but as an old school exploitation movie, it gets 6/10.

Tomorrow: Sole Survivor.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

Super Bowl and other such things

Well, The Stealers won the Superbowl last night. I was sort of wishing Seattle would win, just because all of the Stealers love was getting on my nerves. Also, my sister called me last night, and told me that my dad hates them. Oh well.   Anyways, the pregame show (with Stevie Wonder) was alright. The halftime show sucked though. That was probably the most overblown performance of "Satisfaction" I've ever seen. As for comercials, the FedEx commercial with the Cavemen was the best, while the Diet Pepsi commercials were the worst.   Gotta go. Have some homework to fiinish.    
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

Sugar Hill (Day 20)

20.) Sugar Hill (1974)

Plot: When the mob kills the boyfriend of Sugar Hll (Marki Bey), she turns to Mama Maitresse (Zara Cully) and Voodoo god Baron Samedi (Don Pedro Colley) for revenge.

Review: The only Blaxploitation movie to involve zombies other than Petey Wheatstraw, "Sugar Hill" and it's PG rating may mean that it isn't as graphic or fun as say, Petey, Dolemite, or Coffy, but it's still a lot of fun regardless.

For one thing, the movie, much like a Rudy Ray Moore movie, doesn't take itself too seriously, and has a lot of fun with genre conventions (the stereotypical white Southern villains for example), and also offers som fun one liners ("hope you like to eat white trash!") It also helps that the performances from Bey and Colley are a lot of fun-especially Colley, who hams it up with the best of them. The zombies themselves aren't flesh eaters, but instead gray, cobweb covered ex-slaves with machetes who do Sugar's bidding.

It might not be a classic, but "Sugar Hill" is a nice guilty pleasure that, while not standing up to the likes of Cotton Comes To Harlem, still offers some fun. Great theme song too. Shame it isn't on DVD yet.

Rating: 7.5/10 A fun cult nugget from the 70's that should please Blaxploitation fans.

Next Review: Messiah of Evil
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

Start of 50 Worst Albums (50-48)

I said I was going to start a countdown of the 50 Worst Albums of all time, so well, lets start   50.) The new Insane Clown Posse Album. I never liked Insane Clown Posse. I always found them a lame gimmick, and their music never did anything for me. The reason I included this one is because of the comments from Carnival, whi is a fan of there's who I think is a pretty cool guy, and is one of my favorite posters. He says that the new album is "The worst thing he's ever heard" and that "If it was a tumor, it wouldn't grow on him." Wow. Anyways, I'd like to thank him for these comments. I'm not sure if they are the exact words (I deleted them on accident-really sorry, though it is amazingly appreciated. You don't need to send them back though, since your words are appreciated) but still...   49.) Boston-Corporate America Brad Delp commited suicide recently, and he'll definately be missed. The first Boston album is a classic, and still warrents a listen. Hell, everyone but the biggest indie-rock snob likes that album. Their last album though, is a real suckfactory. Everything in it sounds recycled, and the arena rock riffs sound tired instead of fun, and Delp sounds bored. Also, what the hell is with the song "With You", which doesn't even have Delp? Bullshit. Lamest of all, is one of the best selling arena rock gods of all time bemoaning corporate America. Yes, the same corporate America that helped them turn them into best selling sensations. Oh, and it promotes vegetarianism, rips on modern living, and attacks SUV's and DVD's. I rest my case. Cool album cover though.   48.) Coil-Constant shallowness Leads To Evil I love Coil. Love's Secret Domain, Horse Rotorvator, and the Musick to Play in the Dark albums are classics in electronic music. This 2000 album though, sees them taking on noise, While I like noise, and I like what they were aiming for here (a tribute to everything from La Monte Young to Krautrock to early Butthole Surfers), the end result falls on it's face. It all sounds dull and pretentious, and actually forgets what made the artists that influenced the album so great in the first place. Saddest of all is frontman John Balance, who's just treading the same water he has in the past. In the end, what we get is the worst album in their discography, and one of the worst electronic albums of the new millenium, or at least so far.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

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How To Vibrate
 

Starring Nathan Wind as Cochese

-If you didn't see Pat Buchanan on TV talking about Mark Foley recently, then you missed a hilarious treat. Here, he repeatedly called Foley "That Flamer." Funniest thing I've seen in ages.   -To David Cross: I think you're a funny guy, but 1.) Come on, picking on Jim Belushi and LArry the Cable Guy? Come on, I know they suck, but they're such easy targets. Oh, and 2.) Your mew Comedy central Cartoon "Freak Show" isn't very good.   -JustPassinBy was banned. Here's a guy who was a treasure trove. A guy who unlike guys like Rant, wan't joking when he said he hated black people and gay people. Oh, and he asked "What's wrong with Sean Hannity" without being sarcastic.   -The "Scream Awards", which honered everything geeks love (comics, sci fi, and horror) was on last Tuesday. It was a great idea, but disappointed me in execution. Seems like the "Fangoria Chainsaw Awards" will do the same as well.    
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

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How To Vibrate
 

Stabbed in the crotch

-I was going to do a look at the movies of Dario Argento, but since nobody here unfortunately knows who that is, I decided not to. I will do a review of the book "The Bighead" next week.   -I will be seeing "Snakes on a Plane" tonight. Hopefully, I'll stop hearing about it soon, as it's not funny anymore.   -NHB needs fixed. Ban EHME, WP, and Cronoyasha for starts. Oh, and quit posting racist gag pictures already. Not even a highschool kid would find it funny. In other words: It's not funny, it's not offensive, it's just lame.   -The Venture Brothers is the best show on Adult Swim right now. I'll do a "reasons the Venture Brothers kicks ass" entry soon.   -Also, starting in September, I'll be doing a list of the manliest movies ever made. Unfortunately, only two Arnold movies will be on it.   -This is stupid folks, as well as overused.   -Book recommendation: The Conqueror Worms by Brian Keane. Great post apocalyptic sci-fi horror.   That's all for now. Next time: Why the Venture Brothers rules.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

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How To Vibrate
 

Spring Break So Far

-Well, spring break is going on right now. So far, things have been just ok, and some of it has sucked.   For one thing, my aunt Mary recently has an aneurysm. Fortunately, she's doing betther, but it still scares me. I always got along with her, and though I'm usually not one to pick favorites, shes definately up there.   Also, today was a boring day. How boring? Well, I actually started to watch The Tyra Banks show for some reason. She was talking to a lesbian couple who won't be accepted by one of the girls mother. I was actually rooting for the couple, until I realized that I was watching the fucking Tyra Banks show, and I stopped and started reading horror instead to make sure that I wan't transforming into some kind of pussy. I do hope the mom accepts her daughter though.   -I saw 300 yesterday, and loved it. Granted, it may be the most homoerotic movie of the year (even Brokeback Mountain didn't have this much gay imagery), but it's still great. The trailers were ok. The Spiderman 3 was great (Fuck yeah Venom), but The Reaping (the new Dark Castle movie starring Hillary Swank) looks like shit. That reminds me, one of the Biblical Plagues is frogs, yet how is that bad? How are frogs deadly? Ok, so some are poisonous, but still, their frogs. Maybe God was on an off day when it comes to that plague.   -Oh yeah, I went to a mall last Saturday. It sucked, because nothing was there. The only place that sold DVD's and music and books has been replaced by a Christian bookstore. I did go to Best Buy however, and got Al Green's Call Me, which is one of the best soul albums ever recorded. Seriously, if you don't already own it, buy it. You won't regret it.   -Finally, I'm going to start a list of the 50 worst albums ever recorded. I'm going to ask for help from others, so suggestions from posters would be great.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

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How To Vibrate
 

Spring Break is over, and other things

-Well, my week of Spring Break is over. Some spent there spring break in Cancun. My Sister spent hers in South Carolina. Me? I spent it visiting my parents. Nothing special.   -Anyways, I've noticed that everywhere I go these days, there's a magazine with Ashlee Simpson on The cover. My question is, why? Really, why is she on so many magazine covers? Is she still popular?   -There's some neat little movies coming out tomorrow on DVD. The one I am most interested in for some reason, is "Shadow: Dead Riot". This does not look like a good movie per say, but it looks more like a movie that is so bad it will be great. Plus, it's a zombie movie, a martial arts movie, and a women in prison movie all in one.   -I hope everyone who has read it enjoyed the review of Tobe Hooper's "Mortuary" that I posted on my blog.   -Finally, I hope Carnival and Lushus have a good time at Raw tonight. Granted, Raw has sucked it hard for a while now, but I still hope they have fun.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

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How To Vibrate
 

Songs I never want to hear in bars again

I frequent bars. Who doesn't? That out of the way, here is a list of songs I don't want to hear in a bar ever again, and why.   Bon Jovi-"Livin' On a Prayer" and "Bad Medicine"-There is nothing worse than coming into a bar and hearing a bunch of drunk fratboy's warbling Bon Jovi off key. These songs are the worst offenders, and need to be put to sleep in bars. Metallica-"Enter Sandman"-It's done to death people-we get it, you like to sing along to it after a long day, and then get high fives from your best pals. Also, what is up with tough guys singing along to "Nothing Else Matters" and getting all weepy. That song has the power to turn these guys into pussies in no time. Anything from Kid Rock-Really, just stop playing anything from him. Don't you ever wonder if the DJ, or if you frequent strip clubs (I don't-sorry) the strippers hate having to hear this, or at least get tired of it? Just stop playing this guy for the love of God. Garth Brooks-"Low Places"-It's like the ultimate drunk redneck asshole anthem. It's cancer to the ears. I'm from Southern Ohio, and if there is any modern country anthem that needs to be retired the most, it's this one. Fergie-"Fergilicious"-This has replaced "All I Wanna Do" and the works of Alanis Morrisete as the anthem from obnoxious FUPA and Gunt fat girls going crazy anthem. Anything from Jimmy Buffet-Along with The Eagles and John Mellancamp, nothing fills me with more rage than the works of Jimmy Buffet. Cartman was right about him BTW. Bob Seger-Turn the Page-It gets even worse if it's karaoke night. Actually, never go to a bar-ANY BAR-during karaoke night. AC/DC-"Highway to Hell," "Back in Black," and "Shook me All Night Long"-I like thse songs, but bars have ruined them for me some. Def Leppard-"Pour Some Sugar on Me"-Actually, girls dance really slutty when this plays, so keep playing it. So instead, let's go with... Poison-"Every Rose has it's Thorn"-There, much better. Anything from Sheryl Crow-Fat chicks with Jeff Hardy T-Shirts love singing along to her. It's as awful as you might think. Those are my pics. Feel free to add your own.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

9
How To Vibrate
 

Songs about Fucking

-Charlton Heston died. When I was a kid, he was one of my favorite actors. "A Touch of Evil" is one of my all time favorite movies, and has a hell of a soundtrack. I could go on and on, but I won't. RIP Chuck.

-Taigastar got sent to the Gulag, then was let out. While I don't like her, she didn't deserve to be there. Deon, on the other hand...

-Scott Keith is supposed to be doing a Q & A here. I remember reading his old reviews, especially his review of "Royal Rumble 94." His review of Undertaker vs. Yokozuna is hilarious (complete with Depeche Mode reference!), and pretty dead on. Also, I remember Sean Shannon was pretty universally loathed, and seems to have diappeared off the face of the Earth. What happened to the doofus?

-Finally, I won't be doing music related entries here anymore. They'll instead go on my Last.FM blog.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

2
How To Vibrate
 

Some things to note

Ok, here's some things to note at the moment, including a little something to those who bitched about me being glad Obama won   -First things first: I hate dumb "Bush=Hitler" and Bush looks like a chimp shit as much as the next guy. Come on, I don't like the guy, but that shit's not only childish, but also retarded. That's why I also don't want to hear shit like "Obamessiah" and "Obama, lol don't you mean Osama" shit either. It's stupid not matter how you lean politically, and if you talk like that, then grow up.   -It's pretty cold at the moment, and even snowed briefly today. So yeah, it feels like fall. Funny that it was like 65 last week. Guess that means it's time for my fall/summer listening/ some black metal (well, black metal that doesn't suck), dark folk music, Alice in Chain's acoustic material, a little Trip Hop (Terranova's "Close the Door" and Hooverphonic's "A New Sterophonic Sound Spectacular" work well), a little Doom Metal (Electric Wizard and Burning Witch), a little ambient, Depeche Mode (that works every season though), and some Shoegazer (ditto.) So, what's the weather like for you guys, and what do you listen to this time of year?   -KANERULESFAN is an awesome gimmick. Seriously, this guy is hilarious, and the best gimmick in a long time.   -And finally, I treat a bitch like 7 Up, never have never will.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

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How To Vibrate
 

Sole Survivor (Day 15)

15.) Sole Survivor (1983)

Plot: The only survivor of a plane crash finds herself being followed by the dead-to finish the job death planned for her.

Review: The plot may sound a lot like that of Final Destination, but that's where the similarities end. What we end up getting is an original, relatively gore free horror flick, and anunderrated zombie movie that owes more to Carnival of Souls than Zombi 2.

The most intriguing aspect of the movie is it's treatment of the zombies. These are not mindless, flesh eating hordes, or corpses brought back by a chemical leak or voodoo. These are a cruel parody of death, working for the reaper, and working with a serious purpose. They are quite creepy too, and bring forth an aura of serious dread and menace reminiscent of the dead found in underrated fare like Dead & Buried and Messiah of Evil. The acting is also strong, with Anita Skinner playing a convincing lead character.

Director Thom Eberhardt would go on to direct the more tongue and cheek apocalyptic zombie movie Night of the Comet, as well as Gross Anatomy and to a lesser extent, Captain Ron.

As it stands though, this is his best movie. It's now out on DVD thanks to Code Red (complete with linear notes by genre authority Stephen Thrower), and is worth your money. I recommend it.

Rating: 9/10 One of the best 80's horror movies you haven't seen, "Sole Survivor" is an underrated gem. Check it out.

Next Time: Night of the Sorcerers
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

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