• Why do I watch this shit? So I had PTI on and Wilbon and LeBa-retard had a segment about Lance Armstrong’s joke at the ESPYs regarding some guy from that Brokeback Mountain movie. I didn’t bother watching the ESPYs because, well, I don’t give a shit about this stupid “awards” show, but they played the Armstrong joke about how it was odd that this actor was sitting in the front because he usually likes it in the rear. Get it? He played a homo. He takes it in the ass. Anyway, the PTI segment was about if this joke was offensive. Wilbon said something that made me laugh more than Armstrong’s joke, which did get a chuckle out of me. Wilbon said the joke was funny and not offensive. LeBa-retard countered with what if the homosexual community is offended by the statement. Wilbon then said that if that was the case then he’ll defer to the homos, but in the meantime he won’t. Hey dipshit, you either think something is offensive or not. If GLAAD or the Buttpluggers of America send out a press release bitching about how Armstrong is a homophobe, you don’t go “Well maybe it was offensive after all.” You either think something is offensive or it isn't. Then again, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised an ESPN talking head is talking out both sides of his ass.
• First a Ravens linebacker gets stabbed. Now a Cowboys safety gets shot. Who would have thought it'd be safer for these people to be out on the football field running into other grown men at full speed than it would be to be out in publc?
• I talked a while back about this house across from me that has been vacant for a while. Well last week we got new neighbors. Last Tuesday I saw them walking out of the house, and since I my mailbox is next to their house (all the block’s mailboxes are on one side of the road) and introduced myself. I offered my assistance if they needed and left. I really don’t care for neighbors. I have no problem with them, but the thing is I’ve learned that there are a lot of people in this world that want to be left alone. Sure I’m one of these anti-social assholes, but only to a point. I mean, I won’t tell my neighbors to fuck off if they say “hi” to me, but on the other hand I’m not one of these people that likes to engage in stupid small talk. Fortunately, this usually keeps most people away from me, but I digress. Jst about anywhere I lived I had to deal with people that wanted to be left alone, which is fine. When I was in Sappy Valley we were surrounded by college students that did their own things, which is to be expected. In Ohio I lived in a townhouse community and we had one neighbor that shared our front porch who we got along great with. The problem was whenever she moved out due to divorce we had two different sets of tenants that were … interesting. The first one was a guy and his teen-age daughter. He smoked nonstop and you could smell the smoke from his place in our downstairs bathroom. His daughter was a piece of work, too. A few times she BLASTED her stereo at all hours of the morning, and you could always hear her screaming and swearing at her old man. These people didn’t last a year before getting evicted. On the other side of me was this single mom with two spazoid kids and a little yapping dog. I remember the names of the two boys and dog: Matthew, Alex and Baby. How do I know this? Because the mom would always yell at them at the top of her lungs. While the better half hated hearing every little skirmish through our walls, I found it funny as hell. Then when her trucker boyfriend came over we usually heard them having sex, which I actually liked listening to. No, not because I’m some perverted voyeur, but rather because the moaning only lasted for about 20 seconds. I’m not going to brag about my performance in the sack because I’m humble like that, but if you’re an adult male getting poon on a regular basis, you need to last longer than half-a-minute. Goddamn.
After moving from Ohio to Pennsylvania, we lived in a duplex with this guy and his girlfriend. The guy was a redneck who was at least two months behind on his rent; I tried getting along with him at first. However, after a short while I just decided, “fuck it” and kept to myself. This place I live at now is good enough for me. I don’t talk to my one set of neighbors with the loudmouth dog, and I get along just fine with the old couple that lives on the other side of my property line. I have no idea how I’ll get along with these new people – from what my old neighbor told me, the husband’s a worker at some half-way house and the wife is a teacher at the local government school. The fact the wife’s a public school teacher tells me there’s probably at least one Democrat in that house; we’ll see when election season comes around and the political signs start getting placed in front yards. I wonder if they will react the same way the previous tenants of that house will should I put a “Rick Santorum,” “Lynn Swann” or “Tim Murphy” (our Republican incumbent Congressman) sign in our yard? (For those that don't remember, these people would always talk to Mrs. kkk, until we put out a "Bush 2004" sign in our yard after they, and a few other neighbors put out Kerry signs.)
So I recently got a Facebook account. Want to link up? PM me your name/e-mail. I have Carnival confirmed so I figure it can't get worse.
10 p.m.
• So I saw the following headline on Drudge: HITWISE INTERNET NEWS RACE: YAHOO OVER CNN.COM... GOOGLE TOPS DRUDGE... MORE...
Oh what the hell, let's give this a shot. I opened it up, and it was a PDF. I looked at the Top 10 News and Media Category Websites Ranked By US Market Share of Visits.
Yahoo! News
The Weather Channel - US
CNN.com
MSNBC
Google News
Drudge Report
Yahoo! Weather
OMG FAUXFox NewsLOL2008~!
The New York Times
People Magazine
I then went to Top Search Terms for News and Media Category. From the PDF file description: "The following report lists the most popular search terms for the 1 week ending 12/13/2008, that resulted in traffic to websites classified by Hitwise within the 'News and Media' industry. For example, the most popular search term was 'cnn' representing 0.69% of all search terms that delivered users to websites classified by Hitwise within the 'News and Media' industry."
Now I wonder why someone puts "CNN" in a search engine when "www.cnn.com" would make more sense, but whatever. Here is the list. Take a gander at what was #19.
cnn
weather
OMG FAUXfox newsLOL2008~!
drudge
drudge report
weather.com
msnbc
weather channel
cnn.com
news
caylee anthony
huffington post
tv guide
noaa
people
accuweather
national weather service
yahoo
jennifer aniston
new york times
• Get used to this. Today a state computer. Tomorrow your home PC (after they take your guns away first, of course). If the speech gestapo ever stumble across this place I'm fucked.
LOL
"State officials were unaware..." Yeah, I'm sure some Alaska public servant is working 40 hours/week going through other people's e-mails. Then again, there probably is an entire department for this. I may stand corrected on this one.
kkk's Top 103 Posters
Number 15: Slayer
This poster really kills me. Get it? Kills me. Slayer. And who says I’ve given up on this countdown? Anyway, I’d have to say that Slayer is probably one of the truest libertarians at this place. He’s got enough common sense to stay away from liberal craziness, but at the same time he shakes his head whenever his red state of Kansas acts like … well, a red state. Actually, Slayer frequents this place much in the same way I do – get in a thread, say your one-liner, queer up the place and get out. He, naturally, does this much better than I do, which is why I guess he always goes way deeper than me in those poster tournaments. Then again, maybe he just steals vote counts like the Bush War Machine did in 2000 and 2004. Oh INXS, how I’ve missed your lunacy.
7 p.m.
• So Shittsburgh has a little mini-crisis of its own due to the Michael Vick case. No, Willie Parker doesn't have any cockfighting rings in his house, unlike Kordell Stewart ... ba-da-bing! Anyway, I could tell you the story, but why bother when I can get someone else to do it for me.
It's a really sad day when a person gets invited onto an OPINION show, tells the actual truth of the situation and gets hounded by two media outlets, one of which is him employer. Is it any surprise that the Post-Gazette is a steaming pile of liberal PC shit? Paul Zeise can post a comment on KK' Korner any time he wants. I mean, it's not like he's nl-asshole or anything.
• You know, every time I watch Star Wars, I get more questions than answers. For example, how does Lando run a mining business when he's up there in the clouds? I think the fact I don't know this makes me glad because it shows what level of Star Wars geekdom I'm at.
• Normally I'd say something like "OMG ur tAx dollarz @ wurk!" over something like this.
But then I got to the next paragraph.
Here are the parameters. I have put no research into how I think all 32 teams will fare this year. It's the NFL: who the hell knows what will happen. I've heard a few headlines dealing with team issues, but other than that I have no clue who went where in the off-season. So with that in mind, let the predictions begin.
AFC EAST
Miami played well in the second half of last season, and many people are talking about this being the year for them to take the division. That is certainly possible, what with the free-agent losses the Pats faced in the off-season. However, I usually go by the rule of putting the champ on top until they get de-throned, and I will do so with the Patriots. I have the Jets at number three and the Bills at number four just because.
AFC NORTH
I have no clue what's going to happen here. These top three teams are interchangeable, and who knows what Cleveland is going to do this year. I have Shittsburgh up at the top for the same reason I have New England winning the AFC North. (EDIT: haha PK. Faggot.) For the last few years I've been hearing about how dangerous Baltimore can be, and this year I'm actually taking this hype somewhat seriously with McNair coming over from the Titans. I hear Cincinnati has a tough schedule, and with Palmer's health issues along with the off-season troubles some of their players have been experiencing, I have to put them at third. Cleveland is in last place because, well, it's Cleveland.
AFC SOUTH
Indianapolis lost Edgerrin James but they're still going to be good and win this division. I think that window of opportunity for a Super Bowl win is close to being shut for them. Jacksonville is a nice second-place team. I'm pulling for Houston because I'm already tired of the OMG THEY DIDN'T DRAFT REGGIE BUSH LOL MARIO WILLIAMS ONE-AND-A-HALF-TACKLES talk. I have no idea what's going on with Tennessee, although I think it's funny they have LenDale White and Vince Young on the same roster.
AFC WEST
Much like the AFC North, I have no idea what's going to happen here. Oakland is in last place because they are in a division with three good teams. San Diego is in third place because they have the most potential to sputter out of the gate and call it a season early, what with the unproven Rivers as their starting quarterback. Kansas City is in second place because I like their running game and that defense has to be better than previous years. I have Denver in first just because I've been hearing too much hype about the Chiefs being the "surprise" team of the league, which really isn't much of a surprise considering they just missed the playoffs with a 10-6 record last year. Preseason hype tends to shoot up a red flag for me.
That's all for the AFC. Tomorrow I will evaluate the NFC for a minute or two with my uninformed opinions.
Hey, you people elect them.
I have to LOL regarding "the rich" paying more for luxury items. Because it worked so well with George H.W. Bush taxed yachts during his administration.
I also have to LOL when people make fun of the South for being overwhelmingly Republican considering the Northeast is more Blue than the South is Red.
10:30 p.m.
• I like Charles Barkley. He's an entertaining fellow. But please STFU already about this.
As most of you know, when it comes to college football I know jack shit. However, once I found out Chizik was the defensive coordinator at Auburn a few years ago when the team was 13-0 and in a BcS "National Title" controversy I knew the "Number 1" reason he was picked. He's a good ol' boy that had success at the school not too long ago. Complain about that if you want. But when you, and other PC faggots, start throwing around the RACSIM~! card, most of us just roll our eyes and go "n*gga plz."
Charles added that Turner Gill would have won at Auburn if given the chance. Other ESPN pinheads have commented on Chizik's record at Iowa State. Fair enough. I wondered a bit why a 5-19 record warranted a career advancement. However, would Turner Gill have been successful at Iowa State after two seasons? Maybe Chizik was in a bad situation and wanted to get out. The Big 12 is a bigger playground than the Mid-American Conference.
Because I'm curious, I decided to compare the resumes of both Chizik and Gill. From Wiki:
Chizik
Gill
So which one would you take? I would go with Chizik because he played a bigger part in the success of the schools he was a coordinator at than Gill and his accomplishments. Guess that makes me a RACIST~! Then again, Gill's photo isn't on Wiki, yet Chizik has an image posted. Uh-oh. Could it be Wiki-RACISM~!?
When your better half asks how long you intend to keep this up, don't say, "Four to eight years."
8 p.m.
• I guess the day wasn't a total loss.
Yeah, I know. Freeze/froze/blahblahblah.
You guys are a supposed to be a news organization. You're supposed to up 24/7 trying to get the latest scoop and all that hippie stuff. Then how come there was nobody available for comment for this story? Granted the payroll is more than 100 warm bodies lighter, but still. I love it when media outlets clam up like the organizations they report about. Maybe you could print up another batch of "Osama Elected" SPECIAL EDITIONS for some quick cash.
10 p.m.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. That's all I'm going to say.
• So it was 7:20 p.m. and the better half and I were getting frisky. And by frisky I mean...
Don't say I didn't warn you, because you were.
Now Thursday is when I get some peace and quiet Mrs. kkk's night for watching network television. She watches Survivor, CSI and some other crappy show after that. Now it was 40 minutes until Survivor, so I made a joke about what if you miss tonight's episode. "It's on On Demand," she replied. I go into the bedroom to, well, you know...
...and I'm still waiting. The heck? It doesn't take that long to swallow a birth control pill. I walk out into the living room and what do I see?
She's setting the DVR to record Survivor. Glad the thought of my beefstick still gets her scampering off onto the love mattress.
And for the record, she finished in time for Survivor's opening segment.
• I generally don't like McDonald's ads, but I like this batch.
The hell?
When have attack ads NOT been popular?
Then again, I don't think I'd want these two going at it head-to-head.
Oh heck, if you've made it through today's entry you deserve it...
There are only a few more days until Super Bowl XL, and like every other Super Bowl since 1990 I haven't tuned in to the usual media hype. Sorry, but half-a-month's worth of coverage leading up to one game is just too much for anyone to endure. I understand it's the "Big Game" and all, but come on already. I personally like the one-week wait from the Conference Championship games to the Super Bowl whenever it's been done, but oh well. Life goes on.
As a southwestern Pennsylvania resident, I am more privy to the latest inside info regarding this year's AFC champ. Below are some Steeler-related newsbytes.
• Today marks an annual event in southwestern Pa.; Groundhog Day. This "holiday" takes place in a small town named Punxatony that bases a large chunk of its tourism revenue around a rodent, who if he sees his shadow means we all have to deal with six more weeks of winter.
Well this year when the townspeople gathered around this groundhog, who is named Punxatony Phil, they made sure to wrap him up in a Terrible Towel. Now for those that don't know, the Terrible Towel is one of those golden obnoxious rags that Steeler fans wave around during a game. This device was conceived back in 1975 by a local sportscaster, and if you defaced one of these things at Heinz Stadium you would be lucky to walk away without any broken limbs.
As Phil made this year's prediction (he saw his shadow by the way), he tinkled in the Terrible Towel wrapped around him; he must be a Seahawks fan, which is odd considering if seahawks actually existed, Phil would probably be viewed more as dinner than a four-legged meteorologist by the bird.
Of course, Phil could have also been wondering what in the hell these crazy people were doing to him.
• Some of the idiotic callers this week on my local sports radio stations have been goofing on the Seattle area. While it only took about a day for the "all that's up there is rain and coffee" jokes to get old, there was one diss that made me laugh. Several callers have made fun of the Seahawk franchise for their less-than-stellar history in regards to winning. In fact, this is the first time ever in the team's 30-year history that it has reached the Super Bowl. Of course, what these callers seem to forget is that before the 1970s the Steelers never won a damn thing. In fact, from 1933-1971 the Steelers finished the regular season with a .500 record only 12 times and made the postseason game once, which they lost. Seattle, on the other hand, from 1976-2004, finished with a .500 record 16 times and made the postseason seven times.
• I have heard for years that the Steelers travel well, meaning whenever the team goes on the road to play a game there is usually a decent amount of fans cheering them at the other team's stadium. This isn't hard for me to believe. Is it because the Steelers fostered a devout following during their 1970s run where they won four Super Bowls in six year? Maybe. However, I think a more accurate reason is because the southwest Pennsylvania region has had its population leave the area en masse over the years, and these transplanted Pittsburghers have set up residence elsewhere throughout the country.
Whether or not my theory is correct, I have noted that during the weeks leading up to postseason games at Cincinnati, Indianapolis and now Detroit, there have been businesses in all of these regions advertising their restaurants/bars/hotels. I didn't hear a Denver-based business advertise before the Conference Championship game, but that doesn't mean it happened. I'm sure this happens in other cities, but the only other NFL city I have ever lived near to was Cincinnati, and that was before the Marvin Lewis era.
• Whenever the Steelers make the playoffs, the local newspapers always go to town regarding team coverage. This makes sense after all since people will purchase $1.50 Sunday edition just for the pin-up poster found in the special Sports section. Well, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette has also encouraged Steeler fans to submit photos to show their support for the home team, and some of these pictures are, well, you decide. Here are my "top" choices.
Here,
here,
here,
and here
• Now you may be thinking that Shittsburgh is going crazy because the Steelers are headed to the Super Bowl for the first time in a decade. Wrong. Steeler fans are always nuts, even when the team has a losing record. Last summer, long before this NFL season's opening kickoff, a fan passed away and was laid out for viewing sitting on a recliner, dressed in black-and-gold pajamas and facing a television playing Steeler highlights. The TV remote was, of course, in his hand, and beer and cigarettes were nearby.
Then again, if one is to pass away, this isn't a bad way to go out.
12 a.m.
• So earlier this week the better half and I were driving home from work when she pulled out a piece of paper and asked for my opinion on a dozen possible names for girls should kkk jr. be a she. Good lord. Well, I tried my best to be good while she was announcing the names that made her “final cut,” and for the most part I was. Look, I know I’m going to get zero say in what this kid’s going to be named. I know this is all a dog and pony show. I know that, and I’m fine with it. However, the best part of this came after the names were read and I gave my answer. There was a pause and following exchange of words was made.
“Are you sure that’s your favorite name?”
“Yes.”
“You picked the same name as my mom.”
Wow. Imagine that. Mrs. kkk’s mom and I both picked the same name out of a dozen possibilities. What the are the chances of that happening – one in 12? Well you would think is the end of the great what-to-call-our-kid-if-she-sprouts-tits debate. I mean, that’s what I thought. After all, she had her list and two out of the three judges selected the same entry. Cased closed, right?
This evening during dinner, she pulled out another sheet of paper. Do I really need to say any more at this point? She's already got the name for a boy. Like this gender is going to be any different. In the end I really don't care. However, my only condition is that kkk jr. isn’t named after A TELEVISION OR MOVIE CHARACTER!
It is common for professional athletes to get labeled by many in our society of being greedy, spoiled and out of touch, but I am generally not one of those people who will make these accusations. After all, if you are one of the chosen few blessed to play a professional sport, your shelf life as a pro athlete is extremely limited (especially if you play in the NFL), so you better get your money while you can. Or should I say get what money you can after taxes and various fees to player unions, agents and publicists?
While I don’t fault athletes for earning their hefty paychecks, there are some things that remain a mystery to me. For example, I don’t understand how someone can leave a winning team and head to losing team for not that much more money. Nobody can fault a top rookie or second-year phenom for jumping ship if they are with a team that is offering $500,000 per year when a team in a larger market is willing to pony up $5 million per year for their services. However, if you are an established name and on a team that is contending for a championship, why move away from that franchise and be a little richer but much more miserable?
One example of this happening was when Bobby Bonilla left the Shittsburgh Pirates after the 1991 season and headed over to the New York Mets. After going to the playoffs for two consecutive years in Shittsburgh, Bonilla turned down a multi-million dollar contract (if memory serves, it was around $4-4.5 million/year) and went to the Mets for about $6 million per year. As a kid, I didn’t understand why Bonilla left the Pirates, who were still considered contenders at the time by many, to go to a Mets franchise that was struggling below .500. Now that I’m older, I can sympathize with him wanting to go to a larger market where there would be greater opportunitiesto make more money, but I still don’t agree with the move. If the Pirates had gone through a 100-game losing season, then I could understand him wanting to leave and go to team with a better chance of winning. But this wasn’t the case. Bonilla was already a millionaire, and unlike football, baseball contracts are guaranteed. So even if he sustained a career-ending injury during that next year’s spring training, Bonilla would still have earned enough money to live comfortably for several lifetimes.
The funny thing about this whole situation is that for 1992, Bonilla’s first year in New York, the Pirates won their division for the third straight year and was one only out away from reaching the World Series. The Mets meanwhile stayed near the bottom of the NL East. Although as a kid I enjoyed watching the Pirates win during that summer of ‘92, I enjoyed even more the articles I read about Bonilla and his miserable stay with the Mets where at one point he had to wear earplugs to drown out the boos from the New York crowds. Was that extra million or so worth hating your job? Only Bonilla can answer that question, but I know I would rather stay with a contending team and be cheered on by the hometown fans than be mercilessly booed in a new city. (Sadly, Bonilla would go on to win a Series ring with the Florida Marlins.)
While I am on this subject, another athlete whose actions I don’t understand is Kobe Bryant. It’s true he wasn’t best friends with former teammate Shaquille O’Neal, but they were civil enough to each other to win three NBA championships. However, winning wasn’t enough for Bryant, and as a result the Lakers traded O’Neal to the Miami Heat. Now Bryant is the main man for a mediocre Laker team.
Ever since Bryant got his wish, he has piled up great personal stats, including recently putting up 81 points against the Toronto Raptors. But aside from a scoring title or some other individual achievement, this is all the glory Bryant will see for the time being. I was watching last night’s game the Lakers had with the Pistons, who are the quintessential “team” in the NBA, and the Lakers got clobbered 102-93. During the game I saw a sign held by a fan that pretty much shows the difference between someone like Bryant and a team like Pistons. The sign read “Bryant: 37 points; Pistons: 37 wins.”
Enjoy these big games, Kobe, because the best your team can hope for is an early-round exit from the playoffs, if you are even lucky enough to get into the postseason.
As most all of you know I'm not a big college football fan. However, for the past year or so I've tried getting into the sport more. And if I accept the fact that these are nothing more than meaningless exhibition games post-conference championships, I'm mostly OK with it all. However, this means I've missed the past 100 or so years of this sport, so there are some things that I need explained to me. Here's one. I'm looking at all the divisions out there, and notice there are some "independents," such as Notre Dame, Army and Navy. I knew there were some of these teams out there. (Notre Dame for one; I also know Penn State used to be one before joining the Big 11 10. Army and Navy all by themselves? Sure, I get that. (It's a little odd Air Force is in a conference but whatever.) But why is Western Kentucky all by its lonesome? Did they pee in the punchbowl one year or what?
On another subject, I have a question about teams becoming "bowel eligible." Does that mean they automatically go to a bowel game or does that mean they have the chance to do so but still risk not playing in one of these meaningless exhibitions if nobody wants them?
6 p.m.
• So I’m still in way over my head at the new job. Nothing surprising with that. However, this got a LOL moment for me. For last week’s trip she said for me to include the mileage it took to drive to the airport. Now I already got some per diem check, which was good enough for me. However, the boss also said to include mileage and the $4 parking toll Mrs. kkk had while waiting for my flight to arrive. (Part II of this story, which started on Saturday, will be arriving shortly – just like how my flights were last week.) The boss said to use the federal mileage rate – something like 45 cents per mile. And why did this make me laugh? Would you care to guess what the mileage rate was at my former place of employment? For every guess in the “comments” section I’ll let you know if the correct answer is “higher” or “lower.”
• Uncle Ted endorses a black man for prez. Some feminazi group says this:
At this point, do I really need to make a remark about pondering whether or not leaving someone in the back seat of a car to drown counts as "betrayal"?
Sure I do.
Here's an oldie but goodie...
...hit it.
99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer.
You take one down,
Your passenger drowns,
98 bottles of beer on the wall...
98 bottles of beer on the wall! 98 bottles of beer!
You take one down,
You hit the town,
97 bottles of beer on the wall...
97 bottles of beer on the wall
97 bottles of beer!
If one of those bottles
should happen to fall
96 bottles of beer on the wall...
96 bottles of beer on the wall! 96 bottles of beer!
If one of those bottles should happen to fall
Forget Mary Jo 'cause she's started to pall
No need to report it, there's no need at all
95 bottles of beer on the wall...
95 hhashurhfajjfj
AIIEEEE!
95 lkkldnfklsdnjsdvhdfw
passh JDFWBA OKVKSN ogjekvirjverlkvuhjwrpihgw
94 dbjfjcovkerhjbchue...
94 bottle of beer on the wall
94 bottles of beer
Take one done
Pass it around
93 bottles of beer on the wall...
92 to bottles of beer on the wall
92 bottles of beer
take one off
give it to Hoff
91 bottles of beer on the wall...
91 bottles of beer on the wall
91 bottles of beer
take one off
give it to Hoff
he-drives-off-a-bridge-IN-ANGER-and-leaves-his-campaign-staffer-in-the-back-seat-to-die-a-miserable-death
90 bottles of beer on the wall...
90 bottles of beer on the wall! 90 bottles of beer!
Take a drink
Watch a young girl sink
89 bottles of beer on the wall...
89 bottles of beer on the wall! 89 bottles of beer!
Drink another and wait
Let her suffocate
88 bottles of beer on the wall...
88 bottles of beer on the wall, 88 bottles of beer.
Off a bridge you drove
Blame it on Karl Rove
87 bottles of beer on the wall...
87 bottles of beer on the wall! 87 bottles of beer!
Guzzle one quick, you drunken old mick,
It's too late for Mary at Chappaquiddick
86 bottles of beer on the wall...
86 bottles of beer on the wall, 86 bottles of beer
Your face is red
This is a great thread
85 bottles of beer on the wall...
85 bottles of beer on the wall, 85 bottles of beer
Drink n' guzzle
Watch the bubbles
84 bottles of beer on the wall...
84 bottles of beer on the wall! 84 bottles of beer!
Swill it on down, you miserable clown
You couldn't possibly get elected anywhere but Massachusetts and at least the President managed to graduate from Harvard rather than being expelled twice for cheating on exams and oh he never cheated on his wife either or tried and failed to have sex with a woman while lying on a restaurant floor in a drunken stupor you disgusting morally leprous decrepit filthy scumbag
83 bottles of beer on the wall...
83 bottles of beer on the wall. 83 bottles of beer.
Get so drunk and you'll soon feel no pain
Bush is much worse than Saddam Hussein
83 bottles of beer on the wall...
82 bottles of beer on the wall. 82 bottles of beer.
My brother Jack nailed chicks with no fear.
If he didn't die, I'd have no career.
81 bottles of beer on the wall...
81 bottles of beer on the wall. 81 bottles of beer.
People who listen to my speeches get no relief.
My puppet Kerry was nearly commander-in-chief
Chug one more while my kidney's functions fall
80 bottles of beer on the wall...
80 bottles of beer on the wall. 80 bottles of beer.
Poor ol' Ted, his kid lost his leg.
But he's a democrat and deserves to suffer, according to crazy Meg.
79 bottles of beer on the wall...
79 bottles of beer on the wall. 79 bottles of beer.
Drug abuse, bootlegging, and cheating on women a lot
Just another day here in Camelot
Fuck you, we're rich and you're not
78 bottles of beer on the wall...
78 bottles of beer on the wall
78 bottles of beer
Fucking christ, his head's the size of a deer!
77 bottles of beer on the wall....
77 bottles of beer on the wall. 77 bottles of beer.
My voters I must scare,
With threatened cuts to Medicare.
76 bottles of beer on the wall...
76 bottles of beer on the wall. 76 bottles of beer.
Women's rights are a cause in which I place much stock.
"Hey, baby, wanna see my bloated cock?
"It's 2 inches long and hard as a rock"
75 bottles of beer on the wall...
75 bottles of beer on the wall, 76 bottles of beer
Care about politics I do not, even so
I'm always down to wreck on another Masshole.
74 bottles of beer on the wall...
74 bottles of beer on the wall. 74 bottles of beer.
I hate to sound daft,
But there's going to be a draft.
73 bottles of beer on the wall...
72 bottles of beer on the wall. 72 bottles of beer.
At least I didn't kill her by driving into a tree.
Did you know that my IQ was only 33?
My face has a startling resemblance to my knee
71 bottles of beer on the wall...
73 bottles of beer on the wall. 73 bottles of beer.
MikeSC had this number but Bush stole it you see
Just like he does with the trust fund for Social Security
71 bottles of beer on the wall...
71 bottles of beer on the wall! 71 bottles of beer!
Saddam Hussein has two dead sons
Ted's son lost his leg and his three brothers were all killed one of his sisters died in a plane crash and his family lobotomized another so she wouldn't embarrass them so we should be kind and understandiiiiiiiiiiiiiing
70 bottles of beer on the wall...
70 bottles of beer on the wall. 70 bottles of beer.
Did you notice that my numbers aren't uniform?
You'd think I was writing my party's platform
69 bottles of beer on the wall...
69 bottles of beer on the wall, 69 bottles of beer
Heh heh, uh heh heh, uh heh he heh
69......
68 bottles of beer on the wall...
68 bottles of beer on the wall, 68 bottles of beer.
Dubs is a democrat,
and still thinks Ted's retarded and fat,
67 bottles of beer on the wall...
67 bottle of beer on the wall. 67 bottles of beer.
I got here through the deaths of Jack, Bobby, and Joe
Man, why couldn't I fuck Marilyn Monroe?
We both drink like fish, don't ya know?
66 bottles of beer on the wall...
66 bottles of beer on the wall, 66 bottles of beer
Where the hell are my pants...
....
And the girl...
65 bottles of beer on the wall...
65 bottles of beer on the wall! 65 bottles of beer!
Take one down, don't pass it around
Chug that motherfucker and reach for another
With Uncle Ted, we're out on the town!
Fuck it, we'll never get a fucking drink at this rate
64 bottles of beer on the wall...
64 bottles of beer on the wall, 64 bottles of beer!
Take one down, pass it around
I've fucked my state from my lofty perch
Because my junior is Senator Lurch
63 bottles of beer on the wall...
63 bottles of beer on the wall,
63 bottles of beer,
With fine English gin that my dad smuggled in,
62 bottles of beer on the wall...
62 bottles of beer on the wall. 62 bottles of beer.
My face has become almost comically thick
My nephew, well, he raped a chick
I can't speak English worth a lick
61 bottles of beer on the wall...
61 bottles of beer on the wall,
61 bottles of beer,
Put your sister in bed,
take a pick to her head,
60 bottles of beer on the wall...
60 bottles of beer on the wall,
60 bottles of beer,
Our Party's leadership is in trauma
Good thing we have Osama bin Obama
59 bottles of beer on the wall...
59 bottles of beer on the wall. 59 bottles of beer.
I don't like it when shotguns go "blam!"
Did you know my boy Kerry served in Vietnam?
Only thing I like more than liquor is a great big ham
58 bottles of beer on the wall...
58 bottles of beer on the wall, 58 bottles of beer.
With all that I can muster
This thread I will filibuster
Because it's an assault on my character and America has a time-honored tradition of Democrats filibustering extreme things like civil rights...
Still filibustering...
La la la...
So, how about those Red Sox?...
Is it last call yet?...
Wait, Robert "kkk" Byrd just offered a compromise? Well, shit.
57 bottles of beer on the wall...
57 bottles of beer on the wall, 57 bottles of beer.
KKK's sure was the best,
But let's not put this thread to rest,
56 bottles of beer on the wall...
56 bottles of beer on the wall, 56 bottles of beer
Ted laughed at the girl from the shore,
Let's watch Dubs post whore
55 bottles of beer on the wall...
55 bottles of beer on the wall, 55 bottles of beer
We'll say Roberts' son looks like a dork
So his daddy will end up like Robert Bork
54 bottles of beer on the wall...
54 bottles of beer on the wall, 54 bottles of beer
I think alternative energies are great
As long as they're away from my estate
53 bottles of beer on the wall...
53 bottles of beer on the wall. 53 bottles of beer.
A bitch was trippin in Chappaquiddick
Fuck I think my face was beaten with an ugly stick
52 bottles of beer on the wall...
52 bottles of beer on the wall
52 bottles of beer
Public school is so dear to my heart
But you know that my grandkids would never take part
And I will fight vouchers, shoot 'em down with a dart
Good schools are just for the rich, not the smart,
Keep all the commoners nicely apart,
But go on and vote for me when November starts,
I've gone for six lines and still haven't used 'fart,'
I've whittled hypocrisy down to an art...(whew, long one!)
...51 bottles of beer on the wall...
51 bottles of beer on the wall, 51 bottles of beer.
In Robert Bork's America we'd have no civil right
Which is why Robert's nomination we'll continue to fight
50 bottles of beer on the wall...
50 bottles of beer on the wall
50 bottles of beer
I hope this doesn't sound odd
But I could go for a waitress sandwich with Dodd
49 bottles of beer on the wall...
49 bottles of beer on the wall
49 bottles of beer
Please don't be rude and yawn
When I say Iraq is Bush's Vietnam
48 bottles of beer on the wall...
48 bottles of beer on the wall
48 bottles of beer
If you think I've drunk a lot in life
then you should see my ex-wife!
47 bottles of beer on the wall...
47 bottles of beer on the wall.
47 bottles of beer
I love alternative energy and so should you
just so long as it doesn't block my view
46 bottles of beer on the wall...
46 bottles of beer on the wall
46 bottles of beer
I ate chips of paint made from lead
Lord knows I'm not under fed
The only thing bigger than my ego is my head
I'm too fat to get chicks into bed
My speech is worse than Hillbilly Jed
I'm so worthless that I'd be better of dead
45 bottles of beer...
45 bottles of beet on the wall, 45 bottles of beer!
Why did God take John and Rob Kennedy?
Yet, I'll probably live 'till I'm 103?
44 bottles of beer on the wall...
44 bottles of beer on the wall
44 bottles of beer on the wall
i'm drunk has hell
know Mary Jo's dead
43 bottles of beer on the wall...
43 bottles of beer on the wall.
43 bottles of beer.
Fuck you, I'm drinking.
Cock smoker
42 bottles of beer on the wall...
41 bottles of beer on the wall
41 bottle of beer
my pops hated jews
now get me another brew
41 bottle of beer on the wall...
40 bottles of beer on the wall
40 bottles of beer
Some call me a murderous drunken Mick
But I wear, I drove off the bridge because she was sucking my dick
After she drowned I went back to the party and drank till I was sick
39 bottles of beer on the wall...
39 bottles of beer on the wall
39 bottles of beer
Ann Coulter wrote about me this week driving off a cliff
But those records are sealed, since I'm a hypocritical stiff
38 bottles of beer on the wall...
38 bottles of beer on the wall, 38 bottles of beer
It's really bad that a levee had to fail
But I have a court nominee to nail
37 bottles of beer on the wall...
37 bottles of beer on the wall, 37 bottles of beer
For all those drowned (during Katrinia) I'll yell at Bush for failing to react
Woah, wait a second. How ironic is that?
36 bottles of beer on the wall...
36 bottles of beer on the wall. 36 bottles of beer.
A nuclear energy industry is evil, really evil by far
Even though it's killed fewer people than my car
35 bottles of beer on the wall...
35 bottles of beer on the wall
35 bottle of beer
while right know i'm totally shitfaced
my nephew Bobby is a total disgrace
34 bottles of beer on the wall...
34 bottles of beer on the wall
34 bottle of beer
I'm babbling in front of a Chief Justice nominee
All his legal answers don't matter to me
I will still vote "no" because he's a facist Nazi
Because I'm all about the working family
33 bottles of beer on the wall...
33 bottles of beer on the wall
33 bottle of beer
This poster Matt Young I do not know
But I wish he was in that car with me and Mary Jo
32 bottles of beer on the wall...
32 bottles of beer on the wall,
32 bottles of beer.
I'll never mope,
I've got an indulgence from the Pope.
31 bottles of beer on the wall...
31 bottles of beer on the wall.
31 bottles of beer
I hate that Enron's collapse nearly made the economy crash
Shame my dad did worse to get his cash
30 bottles of beer on the wall...
THIR - TY BOT - TLES OF BEER ON THE WALL
THIR - TY BOT - TLES OF BEER ON THE WALL
SEEK! LO - CATE! EX - TER - MIN - ATE!
ALL RA - CES ARE IN - FE - RI -OR TO THE DAAAL - EKS!
TWEN - TY - NINE BOT - TLES OF BEER ON THE WALL...
29 bottles of beer on the wall. 29 FUCKING BOTTLES OF BEER!
WHAT THE HELL ARE THE HAWKS DOING? JESUS CHRIST, NO DAMNED POINT GUARDS?
No...FUCK Ted Kennedy. THIS is BULLSHIT!
28 bottles of beer on the wall...
28 bottles of beer on the wall, 28 bottles of beer.
Let's get this fucking thread over with because the same people posting here are complaining about Matt Young Appreciation Day SINCE THE HUMOR HERE IS SO STERLING AND GENIUS
3 27 bottles of beer on the wall...
27 bottles of beer on the wall. 27 bottles of beer.
Greengrocer can't count too well.
God knows what made Teddy's face swell.
26 bottles of beer on the wall...
26 bottles of beer on the wall. 26 bottles of beer.
Perhaps Greengrocer needs a v-chip for this thread
Because simply ignoring it by not clicking on its link must cause him dread
Oh yeah -- the senior Masshole Senator -- I can't wait until he's dead
26 bottles of beer on the wall...
(assuming) 26 bottles of beer on the wall, (assuming) 26 bottles of beer.
kkk forgot to subtract,
The universe is constantly in a quantum state,
Nothing can truly be called "knowable."
Life is ephemal, fleeting; all men die.
Subatomic particles wink in and out of existence, without purpose, without meaning.
i bottles of beer on the wall...
26 bottles of beer on the wall. 26 bottles of beer.
Thanks to my miscount, this order is distorted
Good thing Ted's pro-choice, so my last post is aborted
25 bottles of beer on the wall...
25 bottles of beer on the wall. 25 bottles of beer.
I tried to save a group from drowning with a friend and myself
This joke can write itself:
24 bottles of beer on the wall...
24 bottles of beer on the wall
24 bottles of beer
Harriet Miers would be a better nominee
If she'd just go for a ride with me
23 bottles of beer on the wall...
23 bottles of beer on the wall
23 bottles of beer
Though my liver is swelling and my BAC is gaining
For a drunkard like me, this is only pregaming
22 bottles of beer on the wall...
0 bottles of beer on the wall
0 bottles of beer...
you actually think that this drunken mick would let all this beer stay on the wall for this long?
22 bottles of beer on the wall. 22 bottles of beer.
True, they were all gone, as fast as a comet
But they're all back because I had to vomit
21 bottles of beer on the wall...
21 bottles of beer on the wall, 21 bottles of beer
BLACKJACK MOTHERFUCKER!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
20 bottles of beer on the wall...
20 bottles of beer on the wall, 20 bottles of beer
At least when I get drunk I DON'T FUCKING KILL PEOPLE YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT
19 bottles of beer on the wall...
19 bottles of beer on the wall, 19 bottles of beer
This thread was never funny except for Grocer and Sandman's jabs
Drawing a blank here, um... Jesus was really an A-rab
18 bottles of beer on the wall...
18 bottles of beer on the wall, 18 bottles of beer
I said for the Supreme Court Democrats don't do a litmus test
We look for candidates that are the very best
17 bottles of beer on the wall...
Aw hell, I need another brew for that last line of bullshit.
16 bottles of beer on the wall...
16 bottles of beer on the wall, 16 bottles of beer
Fat blimp ruins land
Whale brings shame to all people
Shut his huge pie hole
15 bottles of beer on the wal...
15 bottles of beer on the wall, 15 bottles of beer!
If one of those bottles should happen to fall
Then you will see a fat man bawl
14 bottles of beer on the wall...
14 bottles of beer on the wall, 14 bottles of beer
Bush lied about Iraq and we're keeping score
And please ignore all of the things we said before
13 bottles of beer on the wall...
13 bottles of beer on the wall, 13 bottles of beer.
Iraq is stockpiled with WMD and a hotbed for terror
Wait, it's '05, not '98, so sorry for the error
12 bottles of beer on the wall...
12 bottles of beer on the wall, 12 bottles of beer
Extremist Judge Al-lee-go doesn't think strip-searching a kid will scar her for life
It's even worse than drowning someone who isn't your wife
11 bottles of beer on the wall...
11 bottles of beer on the wall, 11 bottles of beer.
My children's book follows a day in my life,
I get drunk before noon and then cheat on my wife.
10 bottles of beer on the wall...
10 bottles of beer on the wall! 10 bottles of beer!
10 year-old girl was strip-searched and it "scarred" her
Oh how I wish they had let me guard her
9 bottles of beer on the wall...
9 bottles of beer on the wall, 9 bottles of beer.
As I get drunk, I talked a lot louda,
Er ah, er ah, Chowda, CHOWDA, CHOWDA
8 bottles of beer on the wall...
8 bottles of beer on the wall, 8 bottles of beer
Smashed during hearings makes them so much better
You can tell by my face getting redder
7 bottles of beer on the wall...
7 bottles of beer on the wall,
7 bottles of beer,
These GOP scumbags are far-right extremists,
But later this year they're still gonna cream us, EDIT: Uh, no
6 bottles of beer on the wall...
6 bottles of beer on the wall,
6 bottles of beer
I make judges' wives drown in their tears
And I don't have to drive or shift gears
5 bottles of beer on the wall...
5 bottles of beer on the wall,
5 bottles of beer!
I've had fun treating Judge Alito like a prick
Even though he could shut me up by saying, "Chappaquiddick,"
4 bottles of beer on the wall...
4 bottles of beer on the wall
4 bottles of beer
I'm bringing my children's book about Washington DC, to a 1st grad class
It's too damn bad, I couldn't save Mary Jo's ass.
3 bottles of beer on the wall...
3 bottles of beer on the wall,
3 bottles of beer,
30-plus years of being a drunk fatto,
Living in the depths of my dead brothers' shadow,
2 bottles of beer on the wall...
2 bottles of beer on the wall,
2 bottles of beer
Now it's last call and the drinks are on me
But you have to have a nice ass or size 34 D
1 more bottle of beer on the wall...
1 bottle of beer on the wall,
1 bottle of beer
The wall is bankrupt from what I can see
Just like George W. Bush's economy
No more bottles of beer on the wall!
I'm headed to the store, I'll be back.
Well, this isn't going to end well. Here we go again.
*Still preparing the Pete Rock remix.*
• So the weather is nice outside, and that means the groundhog that lives under my shed is starting to venture out, much to the dismay of my next-door neighbor, some old guy named Steve. He doesn’t care too much for the groundhog because he has this mini-garden in which I guess the groundhog helps himself to every now and then. When I first moved here in 2004 Steve told me that there used to be another groundhog living in my yard, along with some baby groundhogs. After successfully catching the female groundhog in some cage trap, he killed it and took the babies out to some field. Now I like Steve and all, but he seemed taken aback when I replied, “Why did you have to do that for?” Seriously, what was the point of letting out some baby groundhogs after you killed their mother? I could understand leaving them all out in a field, but you pretty much gave the younglings a death sentence. This may be the hippie inside of me speaking, but why whenever we’re inconvenienced in the slighted by some animal just trying to survive there’s this inclination to kill? If only we could be that flexible with the human race. A while back I talked about this in a TSM thread, and my opinions on this matter haven’t changed; in fact, they probably got worse in regards to my feelings on the human race. Here's what I said:
As for the male groundhog, I saw him out yesterday afternoon munching on some grass, walking right by the trap Steve has laid out for him, which is on my property. I doubt he’ll go into that contraption, seeing what it did to his former shed-mates. However, if I ever do see him in that cage, he's going to be released, not killed.
• So before this years’ NFL draft there was talk around Shittsburgh about getting Lendell White from USC with the Steelers’ first-round pick. However, the problem was, at least to all the so-called “experts” around these here parts, that White came with some personal baggage (or something of that nature; I don't know this player so I'm just repeating what was said around here). So with their first pick, Shittsburgh picked some receiver from Ohio State. And what does this guy do over the Father’s Day weekend? Why, he gets arrested for domestic violence. I’m sure a contemporary, understanding family like the Rooneys will understand the hardships of today’s NFL players. Contract talks should be more interesting; at least this got Big Ben’s motorcycle accident off the front page for now.
• Speaking of Pennsylvania, I heard that the Speaker of the House who helped organize some bitch-ass legislator pay raise a year or so ago held a recent news conference. He defended this raise, which took place in the middle of the night, by saying that cow milkers in one county made $55,000/year. This article went on to say that the average Pennsylvania wage was $38,000 in 2005. However, even if a cow milker did make $55,000 – so fucking what? You bitches in Harrisburg make more than $70,000/year, and this doesn’t include the per diems, free vehicles, mileage, and other perks. Oh, and this line made me laugh, too.
Once again, so fucking what? If that tattoo shop owner provides a service that his customers appreciate, runs his business, pays his taxes, and makes a nice profit from this profession, then more power to him (or her). What has the Pennsylvania legislature done, besides raise my taxes? Faggot-ass bitches.
Here's another gem this asshole said:
If my state representative can’t make do on $70k/year, then I sure as hell don’t want him to oversee fiscal responsibility of the ENTIRE STATE. Then again, maybe this is just on-the-job training for a Congressional or Senate campaign.
10 p.m.
• So this is the last week of the better half’s employment and her idiot boss gave her a $30 gift card to Panera Bread. Oh yay. For those that don’t know, Panera is one of those hippie stores that sell overpriced food that doesn’t even come close to filling you up. Because we were going grocery shopping today, we decided to just buy a bunch of shit and get this $30 gift card out of our lives forever.
Now I’ve never been in a Panera store before, but it was no different than the few other times I went into these kind of eateries. Mrs. kkk got a sandwich, cookie and frozen coffee. I got a sandwich, soup and frozen smoothie. Not quite $30 but it was close. However, this is what blew my mind. We got one of those coaster-things that flash when your order is ready. That’s odd, but whatever. As we sat at our booth we heard “kkk, your order is ready.” Well what’s the point of having the coster-thingy if they’re just going to call out our name anyway? I digress. I also went to the stand that called out our order. I noticed that we only had our soup and sandwiches. Figure out what I said and what the Panera employee said:
“Where’s the rest of our order?”
“You have to get the drinks over at that register.” *Points leftward.*
OK, so I went and took the food to our booth and went to pick up the drinks. I then noticed Mrs. kkk’s cookie was nowhere to be found. Figure out what I said and what another Panera employee said:
“Where’s the cookie to this order?”
“You have to get cookies over at that register.” *Points leftward.*
You’re being serious? I had to go to three registers to complete my order. Thank Christ this store was near empty. Damn hippie store. Oh well, at least they didn’t put grass on my food like the Atlanta Bread Company.
• Good thing Osama isn’t Jewish; God knows what Jimmy would be calling him. His stuttering was the best part.
8:30 p.m.
• Saturday night when Mrs. kkk came home from work at 11:15 p.m. Max got out and hasn’t returned. Little bastard. He’s shown up a few times on the porch looking for food but bolted when we opened the front door. I really don’t care if he comes back, but the better half is in hysterics. I just find it funny that the laziest cat I have ever seen decided to live outside (during the summer he was out on the porch for 10-15 minutes, came in and slept in front of an AC vent for several hours). Of course, Mrs. kkk has seen him twice since Saturday because we are putting out food for him in the hopes that we can snag this little fucker. Of course, like all welfare programs, this is attracting the other strays in the neighborhood, which is a bit of a surprise because I didn’t realize how many outside cats there were in this place. The house across from us has been abandoned for years, and I guess stray kitties have squatted there for year. Wonderful. I’ll say this, though. Our female Dessa hasn’t been this happy in YEARS.
I'll tell you guys what -- you're sure on the ball. During last week's Steelers/Chargers game, the signal was lost with my Comcast Digital cable service. After a few minutes the signal didn't return. "Eh," I thought, and went upstairs to the television set which has Comcast cable but not Digital cable. So this morning I'm listening to RIGHT-WING RADIO and there's a Direct TV ad that is goofing on Comcast for not being able to broadcast the third quarter of Sunday's game. Great effort, guys. Seriously. I can't imagine the thousands of calls the poor Comcast people received when the game was off the air. I'm positive there were a few service cancellations as a result of this.
8:30 p.m.
• So today the boss was out as was two other full-timers. The new chick who was hired a few weeks ago was going over something with me and made a remark that we were having a three-day weekend. The following conversation took place.
"Huh?"
"We have Monday off."
"No we don't."
"Yes we do. It's in the employee manual."
"No it's not."
"Yes it is." *Shows me her manual that she received upon being hired that says we get MLK day off.*
"The hell?" *Shows her my manual that I received upon being hired that says we don't get MLK day off.*
"Weird."
Ah, office communication. And you want to know the sad thing? I was looking forward to working Monday because the contractor I deal with will be closed, thus giving me a free "catch up" day. But it's all good. It now gives me a chance to get the best view in the house at President Hussein's inauguration.
Brrrr.
Weird. My nipples are hard and I'm really not all that cold.
9:45 p.m.
• Uhhhhhh...
Did I previously post...
What I meant to post was...
Because our new president is going to sink the battleship of economic ruin and emerge from the oceanic depths with welfare stimulus checks for us all. Up periscope, President Hussein!
That ought to cover me for a while. Like maybe four or five seconds...
...I know, I'll just post some of my favorite Offspring songs.
Aw, fuck.
10 p.m.
• Well, it's been a while since I've posted anything. Oh well. Let's see, what should I talk about? How about commercials.
You know what ads I routinely can't stand? Those Enterprise commercials -- especially this one:
...
Aww, fuck. I can't find the video on YouTube. It's the one with the chick asking some guy what type of lingerie she should wear: the red or the black. The guy says "both." Then the Enterprise people pick them up and they drive a rented vehicle to some hotel, and then the creepy voice-over guy says, "romantic weekends." Man I hate Enterprise commercials.
First off, every time I hear that guy say "both" at the start of the ad I get a flashback to my idiot ex-boss. No, I wasn't asking him what naughty night-ware I should put on. I was given this 6-month assignment whose monthly deadlines fell at the same time as the job I was hired to actually do (not to mention other increasing duties that made my job impossible to do). When I asked my enlightened powers-that-be what should be dealt with first I got the typical "no answer" and they tried to go on to another subject. I interjected. Several times. Finally, the idiot says "both." I then questioned his leadership skills and noted that I was going to report his lack of management skills to our board (aka the "rubber stamp" brigade). Fun times ensued. Nothing was going to become of any of this dick-waving, but it's always fun to be an asshole.
Dick-waving. Asshole. Maybe I shouldn't have typed anything tonight.
Now that I have bitched about a series of ads I hate, let me go back to a series of ads I like. I know some of you hate those Free Credit Report.com ads. Well too bad. I like them. Now it's time for me to whip out the ol' ranking scale.
Number 6:
Not bad, but not as good as the other five in my opinion. I'd rather have this on during commercial breaks than most of the other crap out there. Song is a bit blah and there's no noteworthy image. I will say this: I hated that asshole friend who, like the person at 0:11, decides to mess around with the windshield wipers while you're driving. And there's nothing wrong with beat-up rides -- hasn't he heard of Sir Mix-a-Lot's "My Hooptie"?
Number 5:
I like the old lady re-appearing from other, older ads at (0:19) and the pirate hat reference. However, I don't get the whole Renaissance Fair thing. God only knows where that guy is taking the poor goat.
Number 4:
Bitches be trippin'. And what's she all pissed off about? It was HER credit that fucked them over. Oh, and if you married your "dream girl," then there's that thing during the wedding that says, "for better or for worse." Oh, and how about saving up and making a down payment? You two are white, I'm sure there would be a bunch of Jew bankers lining up around your in-law's basement door to take your money.
Number 3:
If you're going to get jiggy with it, you need a better beat. The synthesizer-voice thing does not fit well either. The white guy's facial expression at 0:21 seals the deal for me.
Number 2:
But I don't wanna be a Pirate! Every time I see that old lady make that facial expression at 0:19 I get reminded of all the time I had that look given to me, whether I was a little bastard in church as a kid or starting verbal confrontations with people at polling places during election day. Yee-hah.
Number 1:
That's right, I'm going Commie GREEN! Why do I like this ad over the other five? Several reasons:
1) The music is different than three of the previous ads. Nice change of pace.
2) It's a continuation of the previous ad with the compact car.
3) The old lady is back (0:06)! And I have also received a number of those disgusted looks during my life, too.
I didn't catch this, but apparently the black guy at the start of this ad is also in the "rapper" video. (He's the one taking back his keys.) There's also a shot of pirate hats in several of these ads. Cute.
Christ, I don't post for a week and THIS is what I come up with? Might as well go out on a high note...
7 p.m.
• So did you all know that the GOP Vice President candidate has a 17-year-old kid who is knocked up? In another startling development, John Kerry served in Vietnam.
You know what, I don’t care if this chick is a Jesus freak. I’ve heard some of the stuff she’s said regarding God and all that shit, but you know what? I don’t care. I learned years ago that many of the people I vote for are in with the Bible-thumper crowd. But you know what? I don’t care. I’ve accepted that fact. Shit, Rick Santorum was my n*gga but I know if we ever had a conversation about theology for more than 5 minutes Rick would either damn my soul to hell or start a group prayer for my well-being.
Smues, I’m sure you can tell a bunch of stories about Palin regarding stuff I don’t want to hear, but when you’ve had this asshole as your governor for six years…
…even the Community Organizer will start to look appealing. Wait, check that. I can’t let that go. Fuck, I’d rather have Fast Eddie as my political figure than Osama. Now that’s saying something.
8 p.m.
• So what's our exit strategy for pulling out of Chicago?
Oh, yeah. The exit strategy for urban flight is getting a job and then a UHaul.
It’s funny. For as much bitching as I do with Shittsburgh and the state of Pennsylvania in general, I’m for the most part content with my state legislators.
My Rep is one of two Democrats I voted for in the ’04 election. James Casorio may be a Democrat, but he’s OK. Besides, he’s extremely popular in the area so it’s not like I have much of a choice in this matter. Generally, he’s not that bad, although he pissed me off a bit by supporting some hippie spending plan for the state’s environment that is nothing more than a waste of money.
My State Senator is another matter, and I’m glad to be one of the evil Neo-Cons or whatever we were called who booted out the former State Senator of this area last election. Bob Regola, who from what I read was a fairly conservative Democrat that turned Republican to have a run at my district’s former incumbent, some liberal weenie named Alan Kukovich who was a bum-chum of Governor Ed Rendell. You want to raise taxes? Fine. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, which is what it did.
Actually, there’s a funny story to my voting experience in ’04 regarding Regola/Kukovich. When the better half and I pulled up to the voting precinct, which was some local VFW, some pro-union clown standing by a pickup truck with a John Kerry bumper sticker on it got in our way. As we were heading into the voting room he tried to give Mrs. kkk and me some literature on Kukovich, which I outright refused and said to him that we were voting Regola. Fuck that shit. I’m not going to be intimidated by some schmoe letting us know who he wants us to vote for. He replied with some grumbling and started bitching about how Regola was the worst thing since the Anti-Christ (or George W. Bush). I then said, in a raised voice just a notch or two below a full-blown shout, “Kukovich can lick my nuts.”
I made this statement right when the better half opened the VFW’s front door, and when I turned around I saw the little old ladies manning the polls with a look of fright/disgust on their faces. Oh well. Politics is an ugly game.
Anyway, yesterday Regola sent me some questionnaire about my feelings on a number of issues. Now some of these letters are just fundraising tools, but this one was legit, especially since there is no card asking me how much I would like to give to the GOP. I thought I’d share the questions with you and my responses just to show how RIGHT-WING I really am. I just gave my response below; even if you graduated from a government school you should be able to figure out most, if not all, of the issues I was asked.
1) Keep the minimum wage at the federal rate. (Get another job if you don’t make enough money)
2) I don’t care if PA allows hunting on Sundays.
3) Spending caps are important to make sure that government lives within its means. This one was a bit tricky for me because I can understand having to borrow (look at our president -- ugh) but the other answer I couldn’t in good conscience approve because “Rely on the Governor and Legislature to establish budgets that meet the needs of the Commonwealth” was just too much, even for me.
4) I support photo ID requirements to vote, although really any form of ID would be fine by me. Of course, this is considered RACIST.
5) I have no opinion on casino gambling. (Building casinos won’t really help the region, and it will probably hurt it, but if idiots want to throw their money away, that’s up to them.)
6) Smoking bans are already too stringent.
7) Residents who order out-of-state wine shouldn’t have to deal with the PA Liquor Control Board. Basically, the only booze you can get in PA is through these state-run stores, and they’re a freaking joke to begin with.
8) I have no opinion on how PA is coping with terrorism. If they want to blow up Shittsburgh, let them.
9) Maintain existing growth and develop laws when it comes to open space preservation programs. (There was no entry for “cut funding” so I had to go with the status quo.)
10) Building a high-speed rail connection is a nice idea, but it will take about 100 years to create and make Boston’s “Big Dig” look like an impulse buy on a pack of gum while waiting in line at the grocery store.
So there you have it. Now if you will excuse me, I have some abortion clinics to bomb.
Just what is your problem with football contests? Is it because I haven't posted the results of our final baseball standings match-up? Don't worry, I will one day when I feel like showing how I got pummeled.
9 p.m.
• So I saw the series finale of The Shield (the second part of the two-parter). I own the first four seasons on DVD, but I tuned out during Season 5 when it was on FX because I didn't feel like following the show week after week. When the DVDs are on sale I'll pick them up one day. Besides, I'd rather watch a season's worth of shows one after another rather than having to wait week after week. However, I was curious to see how everything played out. Here are my insta-thoughts. SpOiLeRz 'n stuff.
1) Vic's a bitch for setting up Ronnie for the fall. Whenever I watched this show one topic of discussion was is Vic a "good" guy or "bad" guy. He a cop that breaks the law but also gets baddies off the street. I mean, sure he abuses people, but they're mostly black or Mexican so what's the big deal? I'm not sure if the last few seasons shed light on this good/bad conflict, but I'm marking him down as "bad" in my book. And fuck only getting 3 years behind a desk. Make it 10. And don't forget your TPS reports.
2) Shane. I dunno. I'm glad that bitch of a wife is finally dead, but she actually seemed somewhat vulnerable during that last show, especially when she couldn't wipe after a pee. Once again, I'm not sure of her role in the last few seasons, but I couldn't stand her when she came onto the scene.
3) Not sure what's become of Gay Julian or Dani, but from reading the TSM thread about this show it appears not much has been done with either of them. LOL'd at Gay Julian's peeping of the queer couple in the show.
4) Out of all the things in the show, the one thing I'm glad to see is that Dutch is still kicking. He was by far my favorite character, even if he killed that one cat a few years back. Man, when the better half saw where that scene was going she ordered me to stop the DVD and has not seen an episode since. I also liked Claudette, but not as much as Dutch. And these two had a great chemistry.
• Hey, if we're going to tax this can't we tax people who stink? Don't bathe and sit next to me on a plane? You bought my ticket, bitch.
LOL at the EPA saying the price estimate is incorrect. It'll probably be at least twice that amount.
• Here is one big reason I am against the proposed "Big Auto" bailout. Well, this and that I fucking HATE General Motors after the experience I had with my last Chevy and the pisspoor auto service I received that ruined the car with just one payment remaining. Go Japan!
You got three votes in this world. You vote in the booth. You vote with your pocketbook. You vote with your feet. I intend to vote with my pocketbook regarding GM automobiles for the rest of my life.
You deserve to get into the playoffs after what you did at 0:12.
And LOL at the player that threw a snowball at 0:07. Also, one of the million reasons Alan Faneca is the man -- peep 0:37.
7:30 p.m.
• Remember when high gas prices were supposed to be BAD? This was from my local liberal fishwrap last week.
STOP THE PRESSES~!!!! You mean to tell me that when you tax an evil money-making company, that evil money-making company passes on the cost to the CONSUMERS? But ... but .... we're supposed to punish the evil money-making companies!
So I guess now when President Hussein raises gasoline taxes, it will be applauded by Medium-Large Media because it's going to fund welfare road construction. Actually, I'm not guessing on this one.
Jesus tap-dancing Christ, when are we NOT in a crisis? Everybody get in their bunkers.
• We could possibly have four NFL teams with double-digit win totals miss the playoffs but have two teams at 8-8 win their respective divisions. Awesome.
• Is anyone really surprised?
Hell, I'm starting to think giving out welfare to individuals might be the better bet. At least they don't pretend to be leeches.
• So I just had a Scott Keith's Biggest Fan moment. In my own house. The better half and I got a camcorder on Black Friday. She’s playing around with the thing and trying to burn her recently film creations to DVDs. I have no motivation to figure it out. Well, here’s a conversation we just had. Figure out who’s who.
“I can’t get this video to appear on the computer. What do I do?”
“I dunno.”
“I want to burn this to a disk. I’m putting in a blank disk and nothing is happening.”
“Are you using a DVD disk?”
“No.”
“You need a DVD disk to burn DVDs.”
“You do?”
It was at this moment that infamous TSM thread popped into my head. I’m dead serious.
Welcome home, guys.
This part made me laugh.
"Reputations?" These guys are going to be idols along the conservative circuit.
From now on, just let the invaders come on in. Hell, it's not like President Hussein and a Democrat Congress are going to try and stifle the tide of illegals from swallowing the Southwest.
The last few trips to the grocery store were rather normal for me, and I was starting to get worried that my usually fun excursions to Giant Eagle were no more. Today let me know I still had my magic touch. While getting my personal shopping scanner (for those that don’t know what I’m talking about, look here) this couple was trying to get theirs turned on. The problem was they didn’t scan their Giant Eagle Advantage Card, which activates one of these scanners for you. As I began stocking up on grocery bags, I knew they would be asking me how I got mine activated. Sure enough, once I got my scanner started, they looked at me with the same look cavemen gave a companion who had just rubbed two sticks together for several hours and created this red, hot thing. After giving them a brief tutorial on the joys of the Giant Eagle’s Personal Shopper Scanner, I went off to do my shopping.
My first stop at the grocery store is always the produce section, which is where the better half usually buys some fruit that ends up spoiling because she never finishes what she starts. Since she wasn’t with me today, I was able to get some stuff on sale, so the eventual trip these perishable items will take into the garbage can won’t piss me off as much. While I was bagging some bananas this old guy just walks up to me and says, “Look at what these people (Giant Eagle) are trying to get away with.” He proceeded to tell me that even though Giant Eagle has a certain brand of potatoes “on sale,” two 5 lb bags for $5, there’s another brand right next to the “bargain” potatoes that were in 10 lb bags for $3.99. I responded, “Well maybe someone would just want to buy one 5 lb bag of potatoes for $2.50.” He then gave me this evil look left in a huff. Fuck you, you old bastard. I’m with you on the fact that people don’t read price labels all that carefully, but don’t get your diapers in a knot just because I dared exercise some independent thought that went above and beyond your “In my day during the Depression I could get a full tank of gas for a dime, and the station attendant would change my car’s oil and rotate my tires at no additional charge.” I actually like it when these old bastards complain about the cost of everything nowadays, because that’s the perfect time to remind them “in those days you only made a quarter a week.”
Finally, after I finished my shopping and was paying for everything at personal shopper checkout aisle, this other old guy began asking me about that scanner I used to ring up my groceries with. I proceeded to spend about five minutes explaining to him the same things I went over with the couple in the first paragraph. But hey, I don’t mind. Everyone’s got to learn sometime. And besides, doing acts of charity like showing someone how to use a scanner evens out (or at least I hope it does) the bad karma I accumulate for the other times when I’m a bastard.
Speaking of being nice, on the drive home from work today, there was another old guy who was trying to get into my lane from a parking lot next to me. Seeing how we were at a stoplight, I made the motion for him to get in front of me. When he did this, I saw what this old bastard had for bumper stickers. From right to left: “Kerry/Edwards,” “Seniors for Kerry,” and “I did NOT vote for Bush.” Had I only received this information beforehand he would have not had such an easy time of trying to get back on Rte 30. Actually, I feel sorry for people that get mad after seeing a pro-candidate bumper sticker for someone they wouldn’t vote for in a million years. When I had my Bush bumper sticker in my rear window back in ’04, I didn’t get any reaction, which surprised, and disappointed, me because I drive through some extremely pro-Democrat areas to and from Shittsburgh. I did have one guy give me a “thumbs up” however; he had a Bush sticker on his car, too. And while I’m talking about bumper stickers, I wonder if people will get the joke if I put a “Run Hillary Run” bumper sticker on the front of my car come 2008 should the Beast get the Democrat nomination?
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 62: The Scotsman
I don’t think I’ve read more than two or three posts from the Scotsman here at TSM, but he was such an entertaining figure for me at other places that I just have to include him. For those that don’t know, Scotsman had his own Web site for a while which was titled Scotsmanality, and in it he would chronicle his life’s events and wax poetic about other subjects (usually dealing with those of a certain race or sexual preference). While some people didn’t care for his writing, I thought he was downright hilarious. In fact, my OMG FAUX NEWS LOL 200X! was based off of a similar phrase he used when goofing on people with AOL e-mail accounts. It looks like Scotsmanality has since closed down; from what I heard he decided to start playing poker instead of writing about his crack-head neighbors and giving us “where are they nows” involving his grade-school classmates from Scotland (and of course saving the only black kid in his class for last). Hopefully he’s making a decent living with his choice of career path, considering at the time of his site’s closing he had a wife and kid. (Or was it a live-in girlfriend? I can’t remember what their situation was – either way: nice piece of ass; good work.) I only spoke with him once via AIM, and that was just to give him a link to a news story about some kid with Downs Syndrome being elected Homecoming King in his school. Oh, yeah. Review WCW Nigger.
And now a word from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From SFA Jack:
• Gee, what's wrong government -- people follow your stupid orders and then you realize that you're doing more harm than good? While sorta on this subject, being the slow driver that I am I get tailgated every now and then. Now if I’m in the fast lane and I’m not going well above the speed limit, then I’ll happily move over. However, if I’m in the slow lane and I have an asshole driver behind me, it just encourages me to go slower. As another aside, there are these signs along this one stretch of interstate that frequently gets clogged up during rush hour. The first ugly yellow sign reads, “Look out for aggressive drivers,” while the one after that says, “Don’t tailgate.” Them’s fighting words.
• One of the bigger stories surrounding last week’s preseason games was Clinton Portis getting hurt tackling an opponent. Much of the talk around the sports talk-radio circuit was the importance of four NFL preseason games. Personally, I don’t really see the big deal about preseason games. Does it really matter if a star player ruptures an ACL during week four of the preseason or week one of the regular season? If teams really wanted to protect their best players, they shouldn’t play them at all during the preseason; let the backups and undrafted free agents play more and evaluate their potential in case a starter does get hurt later on that year.
• Now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this): This 28-year old chick says the guy she was dating turned out to be a drug addict. She told him to stop, and he claimed to be clean for two months. They got married. Six months later this guy was caught doing drugs again. Dr. Laura then says to the caller, “Whatever you say next, don’t ask me ‘what can I do?’” The caller then starts bawling. Later on, when the subject of leaving this guy is brought up, the caller says she wants to do just that, but she is worried about the “humiliation” she will feel from all the people who were part of her wedding.
11:15 p.m.
• I just saw some special on the History Channel concerning Star Wars. I’m surprised they lasted 90 minutes before talking about the “If you’re not with me then you’re against me” line with a similar phrase a very powerful head of State used back in 2001. However, my WTF moment came at the very end with NANCY PELOSI talking about how we all need to come together, or some other gag-worthy line. I couldn’t clearly hear what she said because I was too busy yelling, “Oh what the fuck is this shit?” Now one can say, “But kkk they also had Newt Gingrich on doing commentary. Yes, however, like him or not, Newt is an historian. Besides, there were plenty of commie commentators *cough*Dan Rather*cough*. Although it was weird to see Steven Colbert acting like his normal self. Actually, I was surprised there weren’t more “Bush=Palpatine” references. Such a pity, considering Palpatine’s my freakin’ hero.
• Regarding the Memorial Day event. It was what it was. And next year I’m steering clear from the hot dogs. I can’t wait to experience the mess they will provide once I shit these lips and assholes out. And regarding Macys: one meat tenderizer, some automatic scrubber thingy and two pillows. The light thingys were not recommended by the cashier, who said her father got them and claimed they were pieces of shit. Now that’s customer service.
10:30 a.m.
• Well today is going to be a real two-fer for me. First I have to head over to the white trash family Memorial Day picnic so I can see what my tax dollars are paying for in regards to the newsest home improvements at my aunt-in-law’s house. Oh why did she have to come to my wedding? If she didn’t, I would have a lifetime excuse for not going to this thing. Last year we played some Bingo-type game, and I spelled out “Help Me” with my chips. If you’ve seen those “Blue Collar” movies, you might remember Foxworthy doing a bit about going to family reunions – well, this is my chance to tell the better half on the way home, “that little one ain’t right.” And it’s true. That little one from the one family isn’t right. And there's another family that attends this function and appears somewhat normal. Well, this past year Mrs. kkk found out that the wife has been cheating on her husband for years and tried to get the matriarch of this sterile Mexican household to take part in a three-some with them. But if this isn’t bad enough (and it's awfully hard to top that visual of a three-way), I have to go to another place I almost hate going to as much as I do family cookouts.
Macy's.
Seriously, who shops at this place; have you seen their prices? I’m the first one to admit I’m a cheap bastard, but stop into your nearest Macy's and decide for yourself if you’d spend any of your money at this place. Why do I have to go here? Two years ago my idiot mother bought some lingerie for the better half as a wedding present. Uh, mom, Mrs. kkk and I have fucked before getting hitched. There’s nothing new there. I’m not a lingerie person. What’s the point? OK, so you’re wearing some naughty silk thingy. Now take it off. Big deal. Well, the better half didn’t want this gift either – she said it had something to do with my mom buying sex-related gifts for her. Works for me. So we went to return it and found out that this stuff cost one hundred twenty dollars!
Anyway, we got the gift card and was informed that we would have until 5/31/07 to use it. Well, 5/31 is quickly approaching and we still have $50-60 left on it. So far this year whenever there has been a sales event (New Year’s, Presidents Day, Easter, etc.) we would include Macy's on our list of stores to visit. Problem is, I’m looking for somewhat decent buys, and Macy's, well, lacks this aspect of shopping – at least for the kkk household. The last time we bought shit at this place, we purchased, all on sale, a quesadilla maker, some pans and this magnet that shows a bunch of measurement conversions. Please note that when I say “on sale” this means “regular price at Target.” So what will be purchased in this last desperate attempt to redeem my idiot mother’s wedding gift from almost two years ago? Well, those Quik Brite LED Lights are on sale for $15 (notice that on Amazon they are $12). That’s a start.
