Kinetic

Bubba Del Ray(Larry the Cable Guy) is a recently widowed father of three who has nearly bankrupted the family in attempts to save his lingering wife. Bubba is working on a business deal to get the family out of debt when he climbs into the taxicab of a maniacal Arab. In an attempt to end the ensuing mania, Bubba proclaims that he is in fact Allah and orders the driver to stop the cab immediately. Overwrought with the confrontation, the driver releases the steering wheel. The taxi slams into the barrier of a bridge and teeters over a river. As Bubba frantically tries to exit, the vehicle topples into the river, an incident which appears to kill both occupants. Rather than awakening to a day of reckoning, Bubba finds himself floating around the lab of a scientist studying the paranormal who agrees to "send [him] back". Bubba, who had neglected to get life insurance before his accident, fears that his children will grow up impoverished without him. As a floating spirit that can only be seen in darkened rooms, Bubba returns to his house and concocts a scheme to somehow finish his business deal and be approved for health coverage before his body is discovered and news of his death is made public. His children are in on the plan and try their best to keep their father's secret. I call it Redneck Ghost Dad.

Ugh.

But, see, this is the advantage of Internet message boarding. In real life, I can't just kill someone if I dislike them. I can avoid them, but that isn't nearly as satisfying as just wiping them off the face of the planet. On a message board, however, it's entirely possible to just erase a person when their antics have grown tiresome. This is one of those times, gentleman. Let's make it happen.

It seems plausible, and he's a better candidate than, say, Adam Sandler. I say greenlight it.

Will Ferrell plays the title character in a remake of Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, re-titled for modern sensibilities as In Da House: Mista Smif Be Polatics. Maybe more of a Martin Lawrence project.

Can someone just ban him already and get it over with?

It's still the first page, gary floyd. Your patience will surely be rewarded.

Will Ferrell is Baptist minister Richmond Blueballs. Will Ferrell is Holocaust re-enactor Randy Butts. I guess this is more like pitching SNL skit ideas. And before anyone says that the idea of a Holocaust re-enactor is tasteless, remember this: Those who fail to re-enact history are doomed to repeat it.

Chicago reportedly cuts Muhsin Muhammad with more cuts said to be coming.

Well, fuck that. Will Ferrell plays a 1970s Evel Knievel-style daredevil who bites off more than he can chew when he vows to jump the Grand Canyon in a shopping cart. Also starring Andy Richter and Vince Vaughn.

Did he already do an Evel Knievel-style daredevil movie? That seems like a perfect fit.

Not sure how you're going to get that down to a PG-13, but I like it.

Will Ferrell plays Cal Berkeley, a crude but beloved 1970s minor league baseball player. The team is in dire straits financially and may soon fold. He has to do various amusing ad-libbed things to save it.

*Will Ferrell is an astronaut named Buck Charleston. Government funding to his highly dubious project is being cut and he has to do various amusing ad-libbed things to save it. Your turn.

According to most draft experts, yes. All I know is that every bungled pick here brings my mock team one step closer to drafting the player who will lead us to mock glory.

Wow. No way in hell Matt Ryan lasts this long in the real draft.

Yes. But Becht is past his prime and Stevens is a walking PR nightmare with butter fingers. I don't think the Bucs would pick him up and I definitely wouldn't advocate breaking the bank for the guy, but I like the idea of surrounding our weak-armed, Favre-aged QB with guys who can turn short passes into long gains. Within the division, I'd say he'd be more likely to end up in Carolina or New Orleans, though.

I, too, hope that my favorite team signs Alge Crumpler.

I was going to list Glenn Beck as being from a university, but it turns out that he doesn't have a college education. Go figure.

Jonah Goldberg? That's that fat guy with the Jew fro who's in all of those shitty comedies, right?

With the 8th pick of the draft, the Baltimore Ravens select Glenn Beck.

I'd sign Alge Crumpler in a heartbeat. Odd that they'd release Leftwich but not Harrington.

Awww. Happy Valentine's Day, guy.

I've always been Kinetic.

I'm learning more and more about what occured after my brain checked out on Sunday night. It turns out that I verbally harassed my neighbors for no reason and then flicked a lit cigarette at one of them as he attempted to flee from my barrage of sloppy, drunken insults. I don't even really dislike these guys that much.