kkktookmybabyaway

7:45 p.m. • kkk Bowl V is under way in the sports folder. If you have a team, make your picks (don't forget the Thursday game). If you don't and want to play along, just do so in the thread. Remember, anyone without a team that goes the entire season making picks gets first shot at claiming an open team next year. • Bwahahaha. She got picked. And even after she told the legal people about her crack-whore sister and niece. When she asked me how she could have gotten out of jury duty, I replied that she should have commented on how these experiences have tainted her opinion of the legal system whereas her crack-whore sister doesn’t see a lick of jail time for all her law violations but Mrs. kkk could be held in contempt by saying she thinks jury duty is nothing more than a waste of time. In a way, I’m looking forward to my next stint just for the fact I will be using the terms “red diaper doper baby” and “lawyer dressed in a robe.” I also want to share my thoughts on how the justice system is so broken that if anyone breaks into my house I will do my best to make sure they don't get out alive because I don't want some scumbag defense attorney trying to convince a dozen of my so-called peers that just because the perp's mommy didn't give him iced animal crackers as a kid he should be allowed to roam the streets as my equal. 2:45 p.m. • So the better half is at the local courthouse trying to get out of jury duty. She just phoned me and said the government workers asked her group if anyone knows someone who was convicted for robbery and/or is a heroin user. Oh man, this will be a cakewalk.

Guilty on DUI, not guilty on some aggravated assault thing. I'd have convicted him on both counts myself but whatever. At that point I just wanted to get the hell out of there and go back to my wonderful college that I was paying $5+k per semester to attend.

7:30 p.m. • So the better half was a bitch all day and whenever this sort of thing happens I just ignore it the best I can. Usually in these situations any guy will tell you that asking these headcases what’s wrong will get you the obligatory “nothing.” Then, hours later, they’ll do the usual, “honey, I have to tell you something.” Well, snookums, what is bothering you today – A loveless marriage? Not having any kids you can’t afford or will shake to death at the first sign of an all-night screamfest? One of the cats on a weeklong medication? Nope. She’s “uneasy” about going to jury duty tomorrow. Oh Jesus Christ. Look, jury duty is an abomination, but there’s nothing worth moping about for days prior to the event. You show up. You sit. You read. If you’re lucky, you go home. If not, you waste your time hearing some DUI case. I had the misfortune of being on a jury once. If you didn’t read the thread I posted in where I talked about my exquisite time performing this civic duty, here goes.

A few years ago I watched these two films for the first time since I was a kid and realized all the adult humor that shot over my head back in the day.

You all know how this works. The favored team has the point spread in parentheses. Deadline for the Thursday NO/IND game will be 8 p.m. on game day. Otherwise, the deadline will be noon on Sunday. Remember, you can post picks/TB in this thread of PM them to me. I will not post PM'd picks until after your opponent submits picks. For those without a team but would like to play along, just enter picks in this thread (if you want to guess how many points "your" team will score, give that, too, so I can make an accurate "what-if" recap at season's end for you). If you make picks for all 16 weeks your team is playing, you'll be put first in line for dibs on taking any unclaimed teams next year. If there is more than one person that goes through the season making all their picks, they will be placed in order of correct picks made. For those wondering, here is where I get my spreads from. I'll tweak spreads no more than a half-point. New Orleans @ Indianapolis (5.5) Atlanta @ Minnesota (3.5) Carolina @ St. Louis (0.5) (3.5) Denver @ Buffalo Kansas City @ Houston (2.5) Miami @ Washington (3.5) (6.5) New England @ N.Y. Jets (3.5) Philadelphia @ Green Bay (4.5) Pittsburgh @ Cleveland Tennessee @ Jacksonville (6.5) Chicago @ San Diego (6.5) Detroit @ Oakland (1.5) Tampa Bay @ Seattle (6.5) N.Y. Giants @ Dallas (5.5) Baltimore @ Cincinnati (3.5) Arizona @ San Francisco (3.5) New Orleans (Cena's Writer 1-0) d Indianapolis (Prime Time Andrew Doyle 0-1) 9-5 NO: NO/MIN/STL/DEN/HOU/WAS/NYJ/PHI/PIT/TEN/CHI/DET/SEA/DAL/CIN/AZ/28 IND: IND/MIN/STL/DEN/KC/WAS/NYJ/PHI/CLE/JAX/CHI/DET/SEA/DAL/BAL/SF/XX DIFF: NO/IND, HOU/KC, PIT/CLE, TEN/JAX, CIN/BAL, AZ/SF, 28/XX Atlanta (King 1-0) d Minnesota (Danville Wrestling 0-1) 10-8 ATL: IND/MIN/STL/DEN/HOU/MIA/NE/PHI/PIT/TEN/CHI/OAK/SEA/DAL/CIN/SF/16 MIN: NO/ATL/CAR/DEN/KC/WAS/NE/GB/PIT/JAX/SD/OAK/SEA/DAL/CIN/SF/23 DIFF: IND/NO, MIN/ATL, STL/CAR, HOU/KC, MIA/WAS, PHI/GB, TEN/JAX, CHI/SD, 16/23 Carolina (Fazzle 1-0) d St. Louis (Canadian Guitarist 0-1) 8-6 CAR: IND/ATL/STL/BUF/HOU/WAS/NYJ/PHI/PIT/TEN/CHI/DET/SEA/DAL/BAL/SF/13 STL: IND/ATL/CAR/DEN/KC/WAS/NE/GB/PIT/JAX/CHI/OAK/SEA/NYG/BAL/SF/24 DIFF: STL/CAR, BUF/DEN, HOU/KC, NYJ/NE, PHI/GB, TEN/JAX, DET/OAK, DAL/NYG, 13/24 Denver (Canadian Chris 0-1) d by Buffalo (Bob Barron 1-0) 8-10 DEN: IND/MIN/STL/DEN/KC/MIA/NE/GB/PIT/JAX/CHI/OAK/SEA/DAL/BAL/SF/23 BUF: NO/MIN/STL/DEN/KC/MIA/NE/PHI/PIT/TEN/SD/DET/SEA/DAL/CIN/SF/14 DIFF: IND/NO, GB/PHI, JAX/TEN, CHI/SD, OAK/DET, BAL/CIN, 23/14 Kansas City (Alfdogg 1-0) d Houston (Bored 0-1) 11-8 KC: IND/MIN/CAR/DEN/KC/WAS/NE/GB/PIT/TEN/SD/OAK/SEA/DAL/CIN/SF/24 HOU: IND/MIN/STL/DEN/HOU/WAS/NE/PHI/CLE/TEN/SD/OAK/SEA/DAL/BAL/SF/17 DIFF: CAR/STL, KC/HOU, GB/PHI, PIT/CLE, CIN/BAL Miami (Spaceman Spiff 0-1) d by Washington (Human Fly 1-0) 7-11 MIA: NO/MIN/STL/DEN/KC/MIA/NYJ/PHI/PIT/TEN/CHI/DET/SEA/DAL/BAL/SF/24 WAS: IND/MIN/CAR/DEN/HOU/WAS/NYJ/PHI/PIT/TEN/SD/DET/SEA/DAL/CIN/SF/18 DIFF: NO/IND, STL/CAR, KC/HOU, MIA/WAS, CHI/SD, BAL/CIN, 24/18 New England (nl-asshole 1-0) d N.Y. Jets (Gert T 0-1) 8-7 NE: IND/ATL/CAR/DEN/KC/WAS/NE/PHI/PIT/JAX/SD/DET/SEA/DAL/BAL/SF/27 NYJ: IND/ATL/STL/DEN/KC/WAS/NYJ/PHI/PIT/TEN/CHI/DET/SEA/DAL/CIN/SF/17 DIFF: CAR/STL, NE/NYJ, JAX/TEN, SD/CHI, BAL/CIN Philadelphia (Harley Quinn 1-0) d Green Bay (Vitamin X 0-1) 8-7 PHI: NO/ATL/CAR/DEN/HOU/MIA/NE/PHI/PIT/TEN/CHI/OAK/TB/DAL/BAL/AZ/27 GB: NO/MIN/STL/DEN/HOU/MIA/NE/PHI/PIT/TEN/CHI/OAK/TB/DAL/BAL/SF/26 DIFF: ATL/MIN, CAR/STL, AZ/SF Pittsburgh (Kahran Ramsus 0-1) d by Cleveland (SFA Jack 1-0) 7-8 PIT: NO/MIN/STL/DEN/HOU/WAS/NYJ/PHI/PIT/JAX/SD/OAK/SEA/NYG/CIN/AZ/30 CLE: IND/MIN/STL/BUF/HOU/WAS/NYJ/PHI/PIT/JAX/CHI/OAK/SEA/DAL/BAL/AZ/14 DIFF: NO/IND, DEN/BUF, SD/CHI, NYG/DAL, CIN/BAL Tennessee (Cuban Linx 1-0) d Jacksonville (Always Pissed Off 0-1) 13-8 TEN: IND/MIN/CAR/BUF/HOU/WAS/NE/GB/PIT/TEN/CHI/DET/SEA/DAL/CIN/SF/21 JAX: IND/MIN/STL/DEN/HOU/MIA/NYJ/PHI/PIT/JAX/CHI/OAK/SEA/DAL/CIN/SF/23 DIFF: CAR/STL, BUF/DEN, WAS/MIA, NE/NYJ, GB/PHI, TEN/JAX, DET/OAK Chicago (Agent of Oblivion 0-1) d by San Diego (Porter 1-0) 7-9 CHI: IND/ATL/CAR/DEN/HOU/WAS/NE/PHI/PIT/JAX/CHI/OAK/SEA/DAL/BAL/SF/31 SD: NO/MIN/STL/DEN/HOU/WAS/NE/PHI/PIT/TEN/CHI/DET/SEA/DAL/BAL/AZ/28 DIFF: IND/NO, ATL/MIN, CAR/STL, JAX/TEN, OAK/DET, SF/AZ, 31/28 Detroit (Chazz 1998 1-0) d Oakland (Smues 0-1) 8-7 DET: IND/ATL/STL/BUF/KC/MIA/NE/PHI/PIT/TEN/CHI/OAK/SEA/NYG/CIN/SF/17 OAK: IND/MIN/STL/BUF/KC/WAS/NYJ/GB/PIT/TEN/CHI/OAK/SEA/NYG/BAL/SF/24 DIFF: ATL/MIN, MIA/WAS, NE/NYJ, PHI/GB, CIN/BAL Tampa Bay (Starvenger 0-1) d by Seattle (Redbaron51 1-0) 9-11 TB: NO/MIN/STL/DEN/HOU/WAS/NE/PHI/PIT/TEN/SD/OAK/SEA/DAL/CIN/SF/14 SEA: IND/MIN/CAR/DEN/KC/MIA/NE/GB/PIT/TEN/SD/OAK/TB/DAL/CIN/SF/16 DIFF: NO/IND, STL/CAR, HOU/KC, WAS/MIA, PHI/GB, SEA/TB, 14/16 N.Y. Giants (Cartman 1-0 d Dallas (Hawk34 0-1) 8-6 NYG: IND/MIN/STL/DEN/HOU/MIA/NYJ/PHI/PIT/JAX/CHI/DET/SEA/DAL/BAL/SF/27 DAL: NO/ATL/STL/DEN/KC/WAS/NE/PHI/PIT/TEN/CHI/DET/SEA/NYG/CIN/SF/20 DIFF: IND/NO, MIN/ATL, HOU/KC, MIA/WAS, NYJ/NE, JAX/TEN, DAL/NYG, BAL/CIN, 27/20 Baltimore ((King PK 0-1) d by Cincinnati (Teke 1-0) 7-8 BAL: NO/ATL/STL/DEN/HOU/MIA/NE/PHI/PIT/JAX/CHI/DET/SEA/DAL/BAL/SF/27 CIN: NO/MIN/CAR/DEN/HOU/WAS/NYJ/PHI/PIT/JAX/SD/DET/SEA/DAL/BAL/SF/21 DIFF: ATL/MIN, STL/CAR, MIA/WAS, NE/NYJ, CHI/SD Arizona (Vern Gagne 0-1) d by San Francisco (Bravesfan 1-0) 6-9 AZ: NO/MIN/STL/DEN/HOU/MIA/NYJ/GB/PIT/JAX/CHI/OAK/TB/DAL/BAL/SF/20 SF: IND/MIN/CAR/DEN/HOU/WAS/NYJ/PHI/PIT/TEN/SD/DET/TB/DAL/BAL/SF/24 DIFF: NO/IND, STL/CAR, MIA/WAS, GB/PHI, JAX/TEN, CHI/SD, OAK/DET

9 p.m. • So earlier today I had ESPN on – pretty sure it was the “Sports Reporters,” if not then it was one of their talking heads – and one guy on there says that MLB’s western divisional races are the best stories not being told. He then said that he can’t wait for the postseason so we can see these teams in the Pacific Time Zone play on a regular basis. Uh, these teams could be out in three games during the playoffs. I wouldn’t call that “regular.” • I spent this weekend cleaning the house – I know, I make a great housewife. And while doing this I typically have sports on as background noise. After the Cubs beat the Astros, I was flipping channels and came across this show on the BBC America channel called “How Clean is Your House?” Long story short: these two British chicks go to messy houses, yell at the occupants, show them what a petri dish they are living in and make everything nice and tidy. Holy crap are these houses bad. Another thing I observed was during the commercial breaks the station was pimping it’s newscasts saying something like, “it’s the best coverage on America.” Riiiiiiiiiight. • Video of crazy cats. My favorites are the ones where children are the victims. 2:30 • So I just watched another NBC “To catch a…” special, but this had nothing to do with adults wanting to bang 13-year olds. This one deal with identity theft, and while it wasn’t as bang-bang-bang in busting pervs and scam artists, it was entertaining in its own right. I think the funniest part of the whole thing was seeing the stupid Americans fall for Internet relationships and shipping thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of merchandise for them. Jesus, are these people pathetic. The best part of all this? During one of the commercial breaks, the first ad to air was from Ditech and started with the sentence, “People are smart…” Oy. I don’t understand how people can be duped into such obvious scams. Hold on a second while I check my Myspace inbox. Oh, a new message. Who could this be? She says she’s Abigail. Well, hello to you. Well why would you want to be e-mailing me, especially since my profile says I’m married? Oh, I see. I think I know where this is going. And here I thought I had a chance. Cool. She must hate Democrats, too. That's OK. Nobody’s perfect. Now you got my attention. Yeah, I know what you mean. This whole Myspace messaging application is the suq, even though you sent this message through Myspace. No, thank you. I’m just glad you didn’t ask me to sent any money due to an inheritance you can’t get access to because the account is in Nigeria and you have bad credit over at the Dark Continent. If that were to happen, I might think this e-mail could be fake.

10:30 p.m. • Zoo for you. Translation: Some horse fucked an idiot to death. And when it was discovered that it’s legal to frolic with a barnyard animals in Washington, Larry Craig said, “Damn, I should have been a senator one state over.” Oh, and did you know there is a Roadhouse 2 out there? From IMDB's trivia section: My guess is that the script had Dalton V2.0 not cerebral enough. 10 p.m. • So today we took JJ to the vet, which he wasn’t very happy about. Now whenever one of the kids has a vet appointment, we try to sit in a secluded area of the waiting room. Today we weren’t able to get “our spot” and had to sit with other people and pets. Now one trick I do which seems to work is when we’re situated, I open the door to their carrier. This way they aren’t “confined” but rather able to roam but choose not to due to the fact they are scared shitless because they are away from home. Actually, I do this more for my sanity because when that door is closed Dessa, JJ and Max won’t stop crying. Well, I noticed something rather stupid on this trip. We were sitting across from this lady with a golden retriever. Nothing major. Then this woman comes in with her cat and sits, in a near-empty waiting room, RIGHT NEXT TO THE DOG. The dog goes over to check out the carrier and the cat flips out, causing must bewilderment to the cat’s owner. After we got JJ’s meds and took him back home, Mrs. kkk and I went shopping for some stuff. We stopped at Wendy’s for lunch, but the better half didn’t want to wait in line seeing how there were 10-12 people already in front of us. No big deal, I thought, for this reason: there weren’t any children. This is key. Why? 1) Some parents want their kids to order for themselves, much to the chagrin of the poor cashier who can’t understand what the brat is trying to say. The mom and dad think it’s cute. Fuck them. There’s other people waiting in line. 2) Kids get kid’s meals. When I worked fast-food I HATED these fucking things. Not only were many of the smaller portions more difficult to fill (Oh those small McDonald’s fry bags. Grrr.) but if you had to put together a box, those bastards would never fold right. 3) Most times when getting a family’s order together, the kids would be out of control, and the money transaction and getting these people out of line would be a pain in the ass because the parents could never effectively handle their end of the situation. Turns out my theory was correct, for the most part. The line went rather smoothly, except for the old people that were complaining about something or other. Old people are a toss up. If there’s a gray-hair in line by himself, you might be in trouble because his conversation with the cashier might be his only human interaction for the entire day. Hey, grandpa, I don’t care if your family hates you. Shut the fuck up and go sit in your corner table where you look at everyone and wonder what happened to your measly existence. Now if the old person is with family, you might get away with minimal waiting. The only danger in this scenario would be if the old person has finished bothering the kids/grandkids and turns onto an employee with inane chitchat. Fortunately, this day wasn’t any of these cases. On the way home we stopped at Kmart to get some cleaning supplies and charcoal. The cleaning supplies weren’t difficult to find, but I was having some difficulty getting charcoal. I asked this one employee who told me to go to customer service. I went to customer service and they told me to go to layaway (?). I went to layaway and they had this look of confusion as to why I would be directed to this part of the store. I shrugged and let her know the name of the CSR who passed the buck. After I got back with Mrs. kkk at the rendezvous point, she noted that she saw an empty shelf where the charcoal would have been all along. I figured as such. From my experiences, Kmart isn’t known for its ample supply of sale items. Ha, I remember back during my Middletown days this only lady flipping out because some advertised item was out of stock. This was around the time the big K announced bankruptcy, and this chick was screaming, “I hope you people go out of business!” No offense, but if you’re that devastated about not being able to get something from Kmart, then you got some issues. Then again, this is coming from the same person who once wished cancer on a bagboy so I’ll put down my briquette before I toss it through my glass front door. 10 a.m. • I love it when libs in the States whine about how we should be more like those little socialist utopias in Europe. The government tax system. The government health care. The government transportation. The government immigration policy.

12 a.m. • So I’ve been watching a number of preseason games on the NFL network the last few weeks. What I find interesting are the broadcast teams and the way other places around the country promote their station’s local programming and stuff. I know I’m odd. • Oh, man. Now I'm starting to like the terrorists. • More people are making wills for their pets. So? What do you want them to do after you croak -- fend for themselves out in the wild? If anything were to happen to me and the better half, our three angels would be living at the in-laws house. I can't even imagine the chaos that will ensue from that, especially with the in-laws having a kitty of their own. I'm just glad I'd be dead and not have to worry about cleaning all those litter boxes. If you don't have a family member you can trust to take care of your pets after life takes care of you, I've also heard of nonprofit organizations that will work with you to care for your animals should you die before them. If I were to do this, I'd have to volunteer at the place for a while to see if they are indeed an honest organization. 5:30 p.m. • Suspended for THIS? Here's the Christ, when I was in school there were “problem kids” that would get into nasty brawls that would sometimes involve pummeling any teacher trying to break up the melee, and these hoodlums would be lucky if they got a day off school as a result. • This country really is in trouble when you got TEXAS halting executions. It is kind of weird that the getaway driver would be treated the same as the trigger person, but don’t mess with Texas. Well, I guess now you can a little bit.

7 p.m. • Yet another fun day of work. This time I got into a heated argument with the idiot boss. What caused this? My quest for the truth. Basically, my primary, time-sensitive job duty -- the job I was hired to do -- needs to be done during the middle of each month. (That might be a reason why sometime I post an entry during the weekend at work during the 2nd-3rd week of a month.) Well, turns out I now have a new duty for the next six months. Take a wild guess when it’s due? Yep. Every 15th. So today, for the second time in two days, I ask the idiot what takes priority – the job I was hired to do or this new one. No answer. For those who work, you may have had experience with what I call the “ostrich supervisor.” That is, the boss who, when faced with bad news or a question he/she doesn’t want to answer, just doesn’t say anything. Yeah, that’ll make it go away. (Actually, I just made the “ostrich” term up 30 seconds ago, but whatever.) Well, I kept asking, and finally this douche said, “both.” Uh, no, fuckwad. One has to come before the other. As I refused to let him off the hook in front of all his little minions in the office, the atmosphere got more and more awkward. Did I mention that I haven't directly looked at him since last June? That’s always a fun thing. It’s always hilarious to me when shit-for-brains employers get afraid of things like the truth and direct questions. Oh, and the cherry on this sundae is the fact that he waited a week-and-a-half to tell me this, when had he informed me of this new duty when it was first conceived I would have it done already. However, now I have to deal with both duties under a much tighter deadline period. (My monthly romp of fun began earlier this week, and from this week on it's a miracle that I get the amount of work I do done in just under three weeks.) Oh, and why wasn't I informed of this when I actually had some "spare" time to work on this? Because at yesterday's meeting where he first told me of this was the first day when another co-worker got back from a weeklong vacation. A co-worker WHO HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY NEWLY ASSIGNED DUTY. So he waited a week and change to tell me something at an "official" meeting that he could have just said to me when it was first created. Actually, I prefer e-mail correspondence because being in his mere presence for longer than 5 seconds makes me ill. Thank Christ my interaction with him is limited due to being two floors below his cubicle of despair. • So Michael Wilbon was talking about Mike Mussina on PTI today and he mentioned that Mussina had never been a 20-game winner. Really? I’ll be damn. He hit 19 twice and 18 thrice. • I saw the first “Hitlery” bumper sticker on the way home from work today. Ugh. • Oh John Edwards. Don’t ever change.

10 p.m. • Guess Larry the Cable Guy's "fake money/fake titties" idea isn't so good after all. • Remember that post yesterday about the South having the most fatties? 7 p.m. • Looks like JJ might have a case of feline acne. We’ll find out Saturday when we take him to the vet. Oh he’s going to love that. Of course having said that the crap near his chin is probably some advanced form of cancer. • So Mrs. kkk is pissed because the grocery store pulled a fast one on her. She thought she was getting a deal with these hippie melons at 99 cents a pound when they normally retail for $4.99. However, I questioned if this fruit was on sale because the weekly circular advertising this sale said the “golden” melons were on sale, and she was scanning “regular” melons. Turns out I was right. In fact, these magic melons were nowhere to be found; even the “weekly special” special tags weren’t on display. Conspiracy. That’s OK, because I had the audacity to talk to a woman later on in the shopping trip that was easy on the eyes, which of course means I was trying to bang her. It wasn’t that I was asking if she had seen this particular item that the better half had been spending THREE WEEKS trying to find and this person had several boxes of this item (in a different flavor) in her cart and was looking for more. No, that couldn’t have been it. I was trying to get those digits. After all, with me in my five-year old Wal-Mart t-shirt and black shorts I’m sure I looked like a real catch. Then again, I’d rather hear her bitch about this than that goddamn tv dinner with the egg roll. 3 p.m. • So I was just at this meeting and my idiot boss was talking about preparations for an upcoming seminar. The question was when should it be held – in the fall or next spring. Now I’ve said before in this blog that this moron lives the mantra, “That’s what the last minute is for,” so he was telling those in the room that if a seminar was to be conducted in the fall that there wouldn’t be much time to prepare. So when it was decided that the seminar would take place in April, he said, “Good, now we can push this off to the side,” adding that this gives him more time to prepare. Yeah, and seven/eight months from now you’ll be frantic about how this project snuck up on you. I got to get the hell out of this place. • Idaho? You da ho. I've been waiting all day to say that. Actually, this brings back the memory of an ebonics joke about why there can never be a Miss Ebonic pagent. Nobody wanted to be a certain state known for it's potatoes and crappy movies.

What if you're in the Middle East and Abdul asks what's your country of origin and you mistakenly point to the U.S. when you wanted to claim French citizenship? Of course, I think Abdul would chop your head off either way, but that’s beside the point.

I'm indifferent to him. If he wants to kill himself good, then he should get a gun.

9:45 p.m. • Well, today was “mow the lawn” day. It stopped being humid and I decided to take advantage of the situation. This was also the first time all year I bothered to crank up the ol’ BBQ. Holy fuck do my grills need cleaning. I know all that gunk makes the food more flavorful, but these things resemble stalactites more than ashy flavor-enhancers. Wait a minute: Is stalactites the ones that hang from the top of something, or is that stalagmites? Whatever, you get the idea. • Hey, another story about how the South has the most fat people. But this is what made me laugh. What the fuck – Obesity policies? How exactly is there a “policy” for obesity? And all this time I thought it was people’s choices that made them fat. You know, the bad food, the laziness, the bad food. Can’t wait to see how Big Brother will try to make us all a little smaller. What they ought to do is treat fatties more like smokers and jack up premiums for those that break a sweat waddling to the nearby refrigerator for a between-commercials snack. Don’t like it? Then get on a treadmill. 2 p.m. • Oh dear God. (Here's the Sad thing if she went straight from high school into the workforce she'd make more as some exec's eye candy than I do at my job. Actually, she's probably a very smart girl. I think there's a good chance she got spooked for being in front of a national television audience and I think we're all being a bit mean to her. Why am I defending her? I heard she was 18 and figured I might have a chance to get this ditz on her knees, or better yet on all fours, and not get arrested. Because I'm sensitive like that. • Sure I could talk about the Vick case, but why bother when you have this? • And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this). This chick called in to complain about her lesser half’s small business, which doesn’t make any profit. The “nursery” brings in just enough money to keep the business running – that’s it. When asked what this man did before to support himself, the caller’s response was “he lives with his mother.” And that’s where this couple is living at this moment.

11 p.m. • Wonder if this will be on their Vh1 show? Looks like the tree no-sold the crash. I don't care about tasteless jokes -- the kid was speeding. I'm just glad no bystanders were affected by Nick's act of stupidity (or his friend's; the article didn't say who was driving). 7 p.m. • Well the better half and I had yet another epic debate last night. Yesterday we went to my niece-in-law’s residence for her 11th birthday party. For those keeping score at home, this is the daughter of my crack-whore sister-in-law and little sister of my out-of-control niece-in-law. Thankfully, this one lives with her dad and step-mom in a relatively normal environment. This was the first time Mrs. kkk and I had ever been over this house, and when we got there we sat on the deck with a few other people. I had a rare bout with car sickness on the way over, so I was feeling a bit queezy. I figured getting up and eating some food would be the cure, and I was right. The hostess was asking everyone if they wanted nachos, and I agreed to pass out the food. I went into their kitchen, grabbed a few nacho trays and handed them out to everybody. About 30 minutes later I went back into the kitchen, which is located right next to the deck, to get a second helping because I hadn’t had nachos in a long time and they were so f’n good. About an hour or so later, a bunch of us went into the kitchen to sing “happy b’day” to the birthday girl, and I stay in the kitchen to eat my ice cream cake because of the heat and humidity that was outside. On top of that, there were about a dozen kids around taking up space (they had been swimming for most of the time so now deck space was at a premium), so I figured staying indoors would ease the congestion. Besides, they had central air. On the way home, we were talking about a number of things, and then the better half said the following: “I was uncomfortable with you going into a house we had never been at before.” Que? Oh I had a field day with this. First off, it’s not like I kicked open the door, checked out all the bedrooms and took a dump in the main bathroom with the door open. Besides, the door to the deck/kitchen was OPEN. There was FOOD. I must be an odd host, because I’d actually want people to do things like getting up from their chairs to go over and get food to eat. You know, it’s not even worth it to go into any more detail over this. The oven’s pre-heat timer just rang and now it’s time to put in the fishsticks. All in all, it was a good enough day. The niece-in-law had the happiest reaction from the present Aunt Better Half and Uncle kkk got her, and considering Mrs. kkk actually keeps track of present reactions, I guess that was a good thing. Yes, she bitches when the presents she we get one of her nieces or nephews doesn’t get the happiest reaction at the party. I’m sure I’ll go into more detail about this sometime down the road.

You might just want to order from a nearby place and not worry about the tip and delivery charge you'd probably be hit with as well. There's a local pizza shop less than a mile from where I live that has a great value for their food -- $14 could feed three people, especially if you get the daily special. I would think in New York it would cost $14 just to look at a place's menu.

Actually, it was my fault. Instead of running out the clock at the half I tried for more points, which gave PSU a last-second field goal. My returner also fumbled the opening third-quarter kick-off, which was another 3 points right there. I got my ass kicked in the Orange Bowl, too, so oh well. Now it's time to recruit and there are several positions that need filled and the only (if any) interested talent is marginal at best.

Shitt Panthers.

10 p.m. • Holy crap. Tim Wakefield has 16 wins? Awesome. I have always been a Wakefield mark ever since he made it to the bigs. Here's how old Tim is: He pitched for the Pirates when they were a playoff team. • Weird, considering I just saw "Snakes on a Plane" tonight. 12 p.m. • Yet another way I know I’m getting older. Comcast has a variety of music channels that range from rap to rock to stuff from the 1980s and 1990s. What’s my favorite category? Old School Rap. I don’t think it’s a regular channel but rather is on a channel that plays different music for a day or two, and one of the genres in its rotation is hip-hop from the 1980s-90s. I absolutely LOVE this channel. This morning they had some old Queen Latifah track, Special Ed’s “I got it made,” Beasties’ “The new style,” Del’s “Mista Dobalina” and several other songs I hadn’t heard before but liked nevertheless. Funny thing is when I got over to the contemporary rap channel, I can only put up with 30 seconds or so of whatever’s playing. I’m not hating on today’s rap, but it just doesn’t do anything for me. Then again, I’m sure back in the early 1990s when I thought Ice Cube’s “Death Certificate” album was playing there were people who grew up on Parliament who would cringe at lines like “Because you let a Jew break up my crew” and “So pay respect to the black fist or we’ll burn your store right down to a crisp.” Just a generational thing, I guess. • Finally saw "High Noon." Not the TNT remake some years ago, but rather the original filmed in black-and-white. Wow, if I was the marshal I'd be bitter, too. Oh for fuck's sake. Can't we have one movie where there isn't some commie subplot? Well that explains why it is ranked #27 on the American Film Institute's greatest movie list. I'm sure there's a joke to be made about the women in this movie and "High Noon" but he's been out of office for six-plus years now and I'm not exerting the effort.

I don't claim to be the best driver, but whenever Mrs. kkk is behind the wheel I find it best if I just close my eyes in certain situations.

4:15 p.m. • Mother fucker. Going into the last game of the season, my NCAA 05 team loses 15-14 against eighth-ranked Penn State. So long faux-BcS national title shot. At least I made the Orange Bowl, so I won’t be getting fired. What killed me this game was that due to injury I only had three starting wide receivers, which really hurt my passing game. Two field goals could have been prevented, and I’m still trying to figure out how that touchdown pass with 42 seconds left got through my secondary. Oh well. It’s not like there’s an actual bona fide champion in Division I college football anyway. I’m just pissed that PSU beat me. Oh, and the game said this was the GREATEST FOOTBALL GAME OF ALL TIME afterward, or something like that. Well whoopie f’n doo. 9 a.m. • I think what I find the funniest about this latest invasion article is that the Mexican government doesn’t even want this person over in their country.

Your rack is fine. Now about that face...

8:30 p.m. • Get over it animal-rights people. It's domesticated. It's not a tiger. Don't try to rehab it into its "natural habitat." Just let it do its thing on someone's property that's willing to adopt the animal. Wait a second, JAIL TIME? My crack-whore sister-in-law has done much worse in her life than take an antelope home with her and stays out of the big house. Hell, my brother-in-law one time told some cops looking for the crack-whore that he would take them to her apartment so they could haul her off in cuffs. No deal. 8:15 p.m. • So I watched “Alien” for the first time in years. Was better the third time around but I still like the sequel better. Hudson is one of my favorite movie characters, and if I were ever to go out like he did I’d want to also be busting out curses with every other word. However, “Alien” still pisses me off in the scene when the black guy sacrifices his life while the chick just sits there and screams. Bitch, run. • After “Alien,” I tuned into the hippie IFC channel and saw the Henry Rollins show. After hearing his guest, Gore Vidal, talk for 30 seconds about how Republicans stole the ’04 election in Ohio, I laughed and changed the channel. • I’m getting a rise out of those “viva Viagra” ads, but it has nothing to do with my junk. Who comes up with these ideas? • You know, there’s some things that I just don’t want to know about.

Not sure about that, but it's right up there. Funny stuff.

The vet deadline has passed. The following has taken place: • Bravesfan moved back to the 49ers. • Redbaron 51 has taken the Seattle Seahawks franchise, replacing Chazz. • Chazz has been moved to Detroit. If anyone else wants to change teams before Week 1, make your pitches in this thread to other participants. King said earlier he wants out of Atlanta. For those on the waiting list without a team, if you want to "play along," here's what you do. 1) Pick a team in this thread and give a tie-breaker score that will be used for the entire season (a tie-breaker score is how many points your team will score each game). 2) Submit your team's picks every week, except for when your team has a bye week. I will include your cumulative score totals each week and in the end-of-year recaps I do. I will also make a "what if" recap for your team where I'll compare your weekly scores with your team's opponents and figure out what your end-of-season record would have been if you were in control of the team you selected. (See my seventh post in this thread as an example.) If you miss a week making picks while "playing along," I throw your scoresheet away. Any questions, just ask.

6:30 p.m. • So I thought the worst was over today for my afternoon commute. I pick up Mrs. kkk in Shittsburgh, and this week all the pseudo-hippie college students come back to the big city. Traffic sucks for this week, but it wasn’t all that bad. Until today. Forty fucking minutes to move a mile or two from the Parkway to my exit. There was one positive though. Despite the several signs telling “thru traffic” to stay away from the right-hand lane, which was where the back up was occurring, there were people who stayed in the lane thinking there was congestion on the Parkway’s three lanes. It’s funny to see the faces on these motorists and the looks of disgust they give when they figure out that they spent the last 10 minutes idling for no reason because the right lane is full of college students trying to get off the Parkway. Then there are the bitches who try to cut in line. No dice, pal. That’s always fun to do, too. I’m laid-back when letting people in, but not in these instances. It’s assholes like these people which add 10 minutes to my 30-minute wait in the car. Fuck that. Thank God I'm taking Friday off so I only have to put up with this shit for one more day this week. • Huh, Goldblum grew up around here. That's all I got. Ha. Is this a movie or something? I only skimmed through; the fact the article said it was going to be on Starz Cinema -- the hippie channel -- was all I needed to know. That and Starz Cinema is showing that movie thing about the Dixie Terrorists. Starz also has a "black" channel where all it shows is "Glory Road." • Forget the fact that millions upon millions of tax money was spent on other things than bridge repairs -- it was PIGEON SHIT that did the structure in. • I heard this on "Around the Horn" today. OMG the NFL makes money off of beer ads/sales. So fucking what? I understand the point about fans getting drunk at games, but it has been years since I've attended a pro football game so I don't know if there is a "cut off" point where booze sales cease. • And the point of this would be what? I would put money on the T-Rex every time. And not only do you need to outrun the Tyrannosaurus, but you would have to do so enough to be out of chomping distance. 3 p.m. • So this morning when my lunch cooler fell on the ground, splitting one of the yogurt cups inside, I said “fuck.” When my cell phone hit the road as I went to deal with said cooler (all while in the rain) I said “s’gonna be a bad day, tater.” I was right. I discovered this morning that the publication I produce was going to have an extra 600+ readers. After some digging, I discovered this was due to a computer error regarding some sort of update in our customer database that I was never made aware of. Oh was this a fun morning. At least when I went to explain the problem to the powers-that-be, there was nothing they could bitch about considering it was their fault we’ll be paying several hundred dollars more for this mailing than we should. • N*gga plz. • Remember that story a while back about these three teens getting robbed and killed in Newark, N.J. – yeah, I know, which crime; it’s Newark, after all. Turns out one of killers is an invader. I guess he needed some quick money in-between the 20 jobs he works. They’re here in this country for jobs, after all.