kkktookmybabyaway

8 p.m. • Oh get over yourselves. I’ve never played this game, but I’m sure including this cathedral in the game isn’t meant to mock your precious cathedral. Jesus Christ. In fact, I’m sure this is the only time most of the people playing this game have seen the inside of a church. Well lookie here at the next paragraph of this story. What if you fight the aliens with gamma blasters or laser arrows instead of guns -- would that be OK? 7:30 p.m. • Good. Fuck you and your $54 million pants. • Interesting. This guy was about to buy the Penguins when the sale fell through at the last minute. Looks like Shittsburgh dodged a bullet, at least when it came to keeping its hockey team here. • Can we sue parents for making their kids fat? The last time I checked, kids don’t spend their allowance on Frosted Flakes. Parents do. Jesus Christ, the health Nazis have already begun its initial blitzkrieg. Do I advocate fat kids? No. But it shouldn’t be the job of the business to play parent. Hell, with these cereals supposedly being “more healthy,” I’m sure a number of parents out there will feed their kids TWICE as many Rice Krispies servings as before.

Why should they? It's not they have insurance for the stolen vehicles they drive. Oh, yeah. Tests. I flopped the written test several times. (Took me four tries. My first was on my 16th birthday and didn't study at all. The second I failed on my last question. The third had questions that were crazy -- You're driving 35 mph and a chicken jumps out in front of you; how many pebbles did it eat?) The driving part wasn't a problem. I thought I failed when the cop told me to make some turn I never heard of and started to panic. He told me what to do and I said, "oh, you mean a three-point-turn?" and did it. He passed me.

10:30 p.m. • So I was curious to see what the score is of Game 4 of the NBA Finals. 39-34 Spurs. At halftime. • Hey, Sidney Crosby won the NHL MVP Award. Good for him. • It’s been a while since I’ve listened to Dave Ramsey ever since the Jesus radio station took him off because they are a bunch of Jews and didn’t want to pay the man. He has his programs archived on his Web site, but I’ve always been too lazy to listen. Tonight I remembered/got motivated enough to download a few hours. Boy do I miss this show. First caller off the bat: a single mother missed three $600 mortgage payments and her shyster sub-prime lender is charging her $8,000 in fees. Oh yeah, her interest rate is 10 percent. What the fuck is wrong with people? I’m tired of saying “DON’T BUY A HOUSE IF YOU CAN’T GET A DECENT FIXED RATE FROM A REPUTABLE LENDER.” But I’ll still say it anyway. Oh, lookie here. 10 p.m. • So the fourth starter on my Single-A MVP 2005 team just gave up back-to-back-to-back home runs in a 7-3 loss where two other round-trippers were smacked out by the other team. Well I know someone who isn’t headed to the big leagues anytime soon. 6 p.m. • Oh boy, a copy-from-the-Drudge Report twin spin! Pity, and I have applauded Angelina’s humanitarian work with the United jew-hating Nations in the past. I don’t quite get the point of making a movie about the Wall Street Journal reporter who got his head chopped off – it’s not like we are unaware of the end. Then again, that movie dealing with the boat which hit an iceberg made a few dollars. • Please. I’m willing to be my government-school education that this kid was a fucking brat throughout the year and this was the teacher’s way of getting back at the little bastard. “Sir Clowns-a-Lot”? Come on. Then again, I did spit out my Crystal Light Iced Tea when I read “Most Likely Not To Have Children.” And what the hell is with this “Words cut deeper than any knife could,” shit spewing out of his stepfather’s mouth? No wonder this kid is fucked up. • Neglect wasn't the issue? YOU LEFT YOUR KID IN THE FUCKING CAR! You know, maybe the solution to leaving kids in the car is putting them in carriers like we do with cats. (Whenever JJ has a vet appointment, there's no way him and his mouth are going to be abandoned in the back seat.) After all, if you see some cumbersome container you might actually be reminded that you’re leaving your kid – that little human who lives with you – in the car. Plus the tyke will probably be screaming due to the confinement. Better to be alive and screaming than silent and dead. Then again, I might rethink my last sentence the next time I’m by the dairy area and hear some brat scream from the produce section.

Normally that's be true, but thankfully for me Smuesette doesn't really care about the ceremony... Does Smuesette have a sister? Nevermind. Nevermind my nevermind.

7:45 p.m. • What a bunch of pussies. Well I guess this makes sense. Rush and his ilk cause global warming, so why should these listeners be warned when a hurricane they helped create comes over and wipes them out with no warning? 7:15 p.m. • So there’s this semi-local restaurant called Eat ‘n Park. It’s got a number of locations, but it’s regional. Anyway, they have this stupid mascot thing called Smiley, named after their smiley cookies. What is it? A cookie with frosting that makes it look like there’s a happy face. Well last night the better half wanted to go to the Eat ‘n Park across from the grocery store we go to every Tuesday afternoon. Turns out that was the time Mr. Smiley was paying a visit to that restaurant. And the place was PACKED with kids all screaming "SMILEY!" Believe it or not, I wasn’t that annoyed. I normally don’t mind noisy kids if they’re having fun. That’s what kids are supposed to do, after all. It’s the ones that throw temper tantrums that I want to smack upside the head with a brick. Well, as Mr. Smiley was making his rounds, Mrs. kkk made some remark about Mr. Smiley, and just to be an asshole I said I’d break Mr. Smiley’s leg and shout out to all these brats, “Where’s your Smiley now?” This of course brought the usual, “You hate everything that’s good and wholesome in this world.” I normally respond with a pedophile priest joke, but this time my retort was, “So what’s your point?” I then added we should go to another local restaurant because their mascot better resembled my attitude. And just what is this other mascot? The Frownie. Good God is this a fucking retarded character. It makes the Mr. Smiley marketing concept look like those three Budweiser frogs from the mid-90s. You know Bud … Weis … Er. (And I didn't even like those frogs to begin with.) The Frownie’s restaurant, which is called King’s, has this thing included in a number of its billboards making some pseudo-sarcastic comment. For example, there’s one billboard I drive by every day on the way home from work pimping some kind of sandwich, and the Frownie is saying, “Nice Buns.” Who comes up with this shit? And don’t get me started on the television commercials. Too late. "That’s one mean dessert?" Fuck around with my sales reports and I’d be putting your right hand through the paper shredder. Bitch. 7 a.m. • I didn't watch last nights NBA game but I heard on the radio today that LeBron got fouled when he took his last shot. A clip was then played after the game with James being asked a question about that play, and he replied "incidental contact." Well played, even though from what I've gathered last night's game was not.

There was tension at mine, especially when the crack-whore sister-in-law stormed out because she wanted to bring an uninvited guest the day of the wedding. Good times.

kkk's Top 103 Posters Number 22: Danny Dubya A fellow Keystone stater, even though I don’t recall chatting it up much with him at TSM, we’ve gotten into it much more at the other place, where he is better known as Dubs. Because he’s from the other side of Pennsylvania, Dubs has got his head so far up Fast Eddie’s ass that he can peek out every time Rendell opens his mouth. What do you expect? The eastern part of this state is so contaminated with Democrats that if Three Mile Island would have had a full meltdown it would improve the region. Wait, Three Mile Island is more toward the central of the state. Shit. Oh well, you know what I’m talking about. Nevertheless, even though Dubs will take any chance he can get to slob on Eddie’s knob, he at least has enough common sense to shoot down the governor’s stupid-ass referendums that would really fuck us over. Then again, giving these people the power to try and do this shit in the first place is bad enough. And now a word from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed. From Cancer Marney: 9:30 p.m. • Oh fuck you. Yeah, your woman isn't putting butts in the seats and now you're blaming us for not watching cBS because we're all SEXIST~! It can't be because she's a polarizing feminazi, could it? Nah. Ha. So you were hoping to bring in more chicks and only got the slightest of increases. Are these female non-viewers sexist, too? LOL at the 11 percent drop in male viewers, too. I can only pray this will be the same when Hitlery gets the Democrat nomination for president. 7:45 p.m. • So what was the big story in the Shittsburgh area today? Was it a fire that killed five children and was reported on national newscasts? Hell no. It was an incident that happened two months ago when the city’s 27-year old mayor crashed a private event to get his picture taken with Tiger Woods. Luke went on the local RIGHT-WING RADIO show this afternoon to defend what he did, adding that the reporter got his facts wrong. Is this true? Who knows, who cares. I found the whole thing funny as hell, and I shot off a letter to the RIGHT-WING RADIO host saying that Luke was probably training to be Pennsylvania’s next Lieutenant Governor. Within minutes of sending it, the host read it over the air waves and laughed. Woo-hoo. For those that don’t get the joke, peep this entry from a while back.

Wait, so they "killed" Vince? Was his son-in-law in the car with him?

9:30 p.m. • Humor, huh? Well let’s look and see how funny this ad is. *Views ad* Well, I’m sure EricMM has already wanked to it, but I found the ad to be fucking retarded. Let’s see what other "job interview" ads he’s done. *Views ad* OK, this one got a laugh out of me – I liked the “overqualified” line at the end. How about we go to the other job interview ad. *Views ad* Uh, Bill, pimping that you were Secretary of Energy during the time of the Los Alamos scandal isn’t something I’d be pimping. Then again, I’m sure nobody remembers that. Let’s try this one. *Viewing ad* OK, W. said similar crap when he was campaigning in 2000. Wait, wha-? Say you want to get U.S. troops out of there. I understand. But heal? Hard diplomatic work? Oh Jesus Christ. I should have quit while I was ahead. 6:30 p.m. • OK, so I have never watched an episode of the Sopranos, but it was one of those shows that I have planned on getting the DVDs. The question is with all the bitching I’m hearing about the ending, is it worth it to get involved in this show now? • Dennis Miller pissed me off today on his radio show. No, he didn’t say how great Hitlery is. Instead he was talking to Dana Carvey (I was listening to Friday’s show via the archives) and he said that he thought Carvey’s “grumpy old man” schtick was going to bomb when he first did the routine on weekend update. Oh bullshit. I loved the grumpy old man skits – that’s the way it was back then and WE LIKED IT! • You can’t make this up. Do I even need to do the obvious “making up the news” joke that you will normally find at this point in one of these entries? • Whatever. The headline is, in my opinion, a bit misleading. “Quit” isn’t quite the same as “retired.” Being a government employee, I'm sure he'll have a decent goodbye package. Regarding this guy who had TB – I hope that everyone he came into contact with sues him. After all, with this guy being a trial lawyer, I’m sure he wouldn’t hesitate for a second to take a few of these cases if some sap committed the same actions he did.

Photos were just part of it. I'm talking about the wedding, reception, etc.

4:30 p.m. • So I was pondering coming into work this weekend to finish up some stuff, but then I heard on the radio Friday that a major road into Shittsburgh was going to be closed all weekend. That’s right. ALL WEEKEND. Oh, and there was some concert going on at Heinz Field Saturday. I decided to stay home. I think I was right on this one. Close an interstate when 50,000 people are slated to show up for a concert. Brilliant. Say, why don’t you wait until the NFL season starts and plan these construction weekends whenever the Steelers have a home game?

Sadly, yes. It was my second job while living at that shithole. I was the only one there who didn't have a suspended license due to receiving a DUI arrest.

7:30 p.m. • So Vanhalen shot me over a MSN Message earlier today. Now normally when I hear from him I try to get away as fast as I can. (Just kidding, Vanhalen. It’s that the better half always wants me to take out the trash or feed the cats right when you type “Hey man, how’s it going?”) But today I looked at the Web site he directed me to. Even though I never owned a NES, I have to say this was entertaining for the most part. My favorite part was the “Christmas” game reviews, particularly the second video talking about “Bible Buffet.” You know, for a company making CHRISTIAN games, they were ripping off quite a few other titles. Noah’s Ark 3D was my favorite of the lot. 2 p.m. • For Ramones fans with OnDemand, if you head over to TV Entertainment/VH1/VH1 Classic, there’s a documentary about the group. They even include an “Up All Night” bit they did with Gilbert Gottfried. I don’t care what the haters say, that little Jew cracks me up. • Why am I posting this? So I can get to this. I bet he did. Hey, if I can make fun of (alleged) child molesters in the Catholic church, I can here, too.

One in the same. When were you at Sappy Valley? I may have given you change.

Promote him to the U.S. Senate ... now.

5 p.m. • Regarding this whole Paris Hilton going back to jail thing. What the hell is wrong with people? Jesus Christ. OMG THE BILLIONARE HOTEL HEIRESS IS GETTING HER JUST DESSERTS JOHN EDWARDS USED HER IN A CAMPAIGN LINE NO MOM NO HELP ME I’M GOING TO HIT THE BUTTON 10000 TIMES IN JAIL BECAUSE I HAVE ANXIETY FROM BEING IN THE BIG HOUSE AND I’M COLD HUNGRY AND NOT ABLE TO WAX OMG OMG OMG OMG~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, by the way, much of our air traveling has been grinded to a halt. But wait a second, IT’S PARIS AND SHE’S IN SOME CAR DRIVING OFF TO JAIL WAIT THAT WAS A SWERVE SHE’S IN ANOTHER VEHICLE AND SHE’S IN NEED OF MEDICAL ATTENTION BECAUSE NOT BEING FREE MADE HER SICK AND THAT PARTY SHE THREW AFTER BEING BACK HOME WILL BE FOR NIL BECAUSE NOW SHE’S GOING BACK TO THE BIG HOUSE FOR REAL OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG~! Please note I won’t be wearing any “Free Paris” gear anytime soon. She should just serve her time, shut her mouth and thank the deity upstairs that nobody was killed when she got shit-faced and decided to drive. However, the media coverage on this is more absurd than the actual story itself. Oh, and for those people saying only rich celebrities get away from jail time, meet my crack-whore sister-in-law. Not only has this woman been arrested numerous times, but even when she has outstanding warrants and gets picked up she still hasn’t spent time behind bars. One time this cop called my brother-in-law’s house asking for the crack-whore (she used her brother’s phone number for contact information on some document), and the brother-in-law said he would direct the cops to the shitty apartment she lives at and knock on the door for them. Nothing. All that being said though, come on, Paris, using the “being hungry” line as an excuse to get out of jail? Surely you can come up with better material than that in a bid for your freedom. 1:15 p.m. • The Amnesty bill looks to have been kicked to the curb, so the invasion has been postponed –– for now. Well, actually, the illegals will still be pouring over the border, but at least now they won’t be giving voting rights/Social Security/etc. Oh who am I kidding? Many probably already are doing this. I’m sure this will bite me in the ass later, when a President Hitlery, along with a Commie Congress, approves an even WORSE illegal immigration bill in the next few years, but sometimes you just have to draw a line in the sand. • If you went over to read about Swift Terror stroking himself because he caught a RIGHT-WING RADIO guy in a gaffe, then you will understand this next entry. There’s a local guy in Shittsburgh named Quinn that I used to listen to. He used to be the guy I listened to until 8:30 a.m. before heading on-line to listen to Neal Boortz. However, the last few weeks I’ve been listening to archive editions of the Dennis Miller show. I must admit I’m digging this program. I’ve had a weird journey with Dennis. I LOVED his on SNL’s Weekend Update. His HBO show was OK. His opening bit was hit-or-miss, I didn’t really like the guest portion of the show, and my favorite segment was the end with him captioning images. I HATED him on Monday Night Football. When 9/11 took place and he turned into some hipster conservative, or whatever, I didn’t immediately beat off because he was saying, “Bush is the shizzle.” I gave his CNBC show a try, and I actually liked it; judging from the ratings, it seems I was the only one. There is one thing that influences my opinion of Miller, and that is we went to the same college (not at the same time mind you –– I’m not that old). The circle-jerking my alma mater did back in the mid-1990s was enough to make me vomit. Thankfully, I got the hell out of that shit hole right before NBC’s “Providence” hit it big; the lead actress on that show was a fellow alumni. Lord only knows how that place fawned all over her. Where was I going with this? Oh, yeah. Quinn. About once every few weeks I would e-mail him from work while listening to his show to clarify a gaffe he or a caller committed. Generally it’s little stuff like the last time I shot him a message. The last time I had his show on some caller was bitching about something-or-other and brought up the rap group Public Enemy that released the song “Fuck the Police.” I, of course, e-mailed Quinn clarifying that caller’s remarks. The rap group that produced “Fuck the Police,” was N.W.A., not Public Enemy. I also let Quinn know the meaning of N.W.A. –– No Whites Allowed. I’m just playing, any baller in the rap game knows it’s “Niggaz Wit’ Attitudes.” Word yo.

I'm sure you can find video of that sort of stuff elsewhere on this here Internet thing.

Shittsburgh Market. Junker and Crow are local guys, and I'm sure most of us know who that Madden guy is. 12:00 a.m. 1:00 a.m. GameNight 1:00 a.m. 6:00 a.m. AllNight with Jason Smith 6:00 a.m. 10:00 a.m. Mike and Mike 10:00 a.m. 1:00 p.m. Junker & Crow 1:00 p.m. 3:00 p.m. Dan Patrick 3:00 p.m. 7:00 p.m. Mark Madden 7:00 p.m. 9:00 p.m. Pgh GameNight 9:00 p.m. 12:00 a.m. GameNight

You going to give roids to the older teams?

Remember me? Probably not.

If I owned an arcade, I would shut it off to the public. I wouldn't care what others wanted to play. Just so I don't get accused of derailing this topic, here are the 10 games that popped into my head when I thought of what I spent my money on the most during my arcade years: Golden Axe Shinobi Double Dragon Gauntlet: Dark Legacy Super High Impact Football NBA Jam X-Men (the six player/widescreen version) Star Wars Pinball Game Lethal Weapon 3 Pinball Game Outrunners (the one where you get to pick a bunch of different tracks) And just for the heck of it: That Daytona game where you sat in the seat and chose from three tracks. EDIT: Eric, you would have loved the one arcade I worked at. Along with vending machines, many of the games were a quarter to play, and the ones that were 50 cents were games that were charged even higher rates at other arcades (the Daytona game mentioned above as example: It was 50 cents at my place, yet many other locations had it for $1 per game). Then again, this place was a smoking establishment...

8:45 p.m. • So a day or so again, Mark Madden was commenting on Gary Sheffield’s words that Michael Wilbon pops wood over. He pretty much goofed on Gary, and this prompted some black callers to phone in and call him a RACIST. It was a nice switch from the Steeler fanboys that normally a call with their stupid thoughts. However, one guy was a notch above the rest. He bitched that Mark said Gary got away with what he said because he was black (or some similar complaint – all the callers sounded alike) and that if a white person would say something similar they wouldn’t get in trouble either. Madden started goofing on him, and the caller backed up his point by using DON IMUS and JOHN ROCKER as examples of whites that “didn’t get in trouble.” And I watched a recent “Outside the Lines” episode on ESPN about sports talk radio, which mentioned that the average listener is more educated than one would think. 8:15 p.m. • Let’s see how I did with my NHL playoff picks. I’m using my selections from the playoff tree after I discovered the league re-seeds its picks every round. (1) Buffalo v. (8) NY Islanders. Buffalo in 5. Result: Sabers in 5. (2) New Jersey v. (7) Tampa Bay. Devils in 5. Result: Devils in 6. (3) Atlanta v. (6) NY Rangers. Rangers in 6. Result: Rangers in 4. (4) Ottawa v. (5) Shittsburgh. Senators in 7. Result: Senators in 5. (1) Detroit v. (8) Calgary. Detroit in 5. Result: Wings in 6. (2) Anaheim v. (7) Minnesota. Ducks in 6. Result: Ducks in 5. (3) Vancouver v. (6) Dallas. Stars in 6. Result: Canucks in 7 (4) Nashville v. (5) San Jose. Predators in 7. Result: Sharks in 5. First Round: 6 for 8. Hey, seems like I somewhat know what I’m doing, especially if you ignore that 4/5 matchup in the West. Second Round: (1) Buffalo beats (6) Rangers in 5. Result: Sabers in 6. (4) Ottawa beats (2) Jersey in 6. Result: Senators in 6. (1) Detroit beats (6) Dallas in 5. Sorta-Result: Wings beat Sharks in 6. (4) Nashville beats (2) Anaheim in 7. Sorta-Result: Not even close. Third Round. (1) Buffalo beats (4) Ottawa in 5. Result: Sabers Senators in 5. ( 4) Nashville beats (1) Detroit in 7. Sorta-Result: Ducks beat Wings in 6. Stanley Cup. (1) Buffalo beats (4) Nashville in 6. Not-even-close Result: Man, that’s some good shit I’m smoking. 3 p.m. • Well the Ducks won the Stanley Cup –– quack quack. From what I little I know of the NHL, it appeared from the start that the Ducks were the better team, and by winning in five games it appeared that way. I’m a little surprised Ottawa didn’t win another game or two, considering how well they seemed to play in the other playoff rounds. At least the final game was a blow-out. I’d feel bad for that Senator player who put the puck into his own net; if the Sens would have lost by just one goal, that player would have had to endure a long summer. I watched last night’s game and the one thing that always pains me is seeing the losing team just sit there on the ice while their opponents rejoice. Imagine going through as many as 28 postseason games only to fall short of getting to smooch Lord Stanley. On the other end of the spectrum, I also feel bad for baseball players who grind through 162 games in six months only to get eliminated in a best-of-five series in a wild-card round. At least with football you only play 16 games, so dropping a stinker in the playoffs would seem more tolerable. Then again, I don’t strap on the pads and beat the hell out of myself all year going against 300-lb linemen or psycho linebackers, so what do I know. Last year I made a remark that it was nice to see Glenn Wesley finally get to lift the Stanley Cup, and this year it was Teemu Selanne’s turn. I don’t know much about the guy, but I remember him with the Winnipeg Jets. Uh, yay and stuff. I hope the NHL can get back on the radar when it comes to the sporting world –– this sport is too fun to watch to be brushed aside. Like I said above, I don’t religiously follow the NHL as much as I did when I was younger, but if a game is on I’ll have it on, even if I don’t recognize the players’ names.

Shittsburgh/Washington/Baltimore seems a bit of a stretch; Cleveland is closer to Shittsburgh than Cincinnati. Bronx/Queens/Brooklyn? OMG EAST COAST BIAS~!

If you don't want to go over to the other place, then don't. We already have enough people. And you made #30 on my list, so quit your bitching.

Having worked at two arcades, what, really hurt the industry, imo, was when home console games became just as good in terms of graphics/etc. as their coin-op counterparts. I remember reading some industry magazine in the mid-90s that said "arcades will NEVER die because people will still come for socializing." I laughed and tightened up my browneye to prevent any more smoke from entering. The ticket redemption games were actually good money-makers. Young kids loved them, and for a few dollars the parents got a cheap babysitter while their brats got a crappy reward for their skee-ball efforts. Many parents did bitch about the "money wasted," but a few understood that this was just a form of entertainment.