kkktookmybabyaway

That cheerleading mouse had a nice rack.

Think of how upset they will be when the Man takes it from them.

Liver cancer smancer. I'm sure that bitch did something to bring it on herself, like getting in the way of a company's power lines. She just knew 20 years in advance they were going to build a grid that close to her house..

8:45 p.m. • Speaking of road rage (see 4 p.m. entry), I forgot about this little gem of a story from last week. As I was driving on the Parkway West this guy in some silver car was tailgating me. Seeing how I was in the right lane and going 10 mph over the speed limit, I did what I always do in this situation. I put on the brakes. Once we went through these nearby tunnels, this guy decided to pass me, and pass me he did. He passed me so fast you could hear the “vroom vroom” as he began his passage. Boy did he sure pass me. However, the red pickup truck in front of me wasn’t aware of the other guy’s passing, and when the red truck decided to go into the lane the “vroom” guy was passing me up on, a whole bunch of hilarity ensued. They were literally inches away from getting into a rather serious accident. I would have loved to have been a witness at this accident. “Yes, officer, I saw it all. The guy in the gray car was gong well over the speed limit to pass me up almost ran into the driver in the red truck who didn’t put on his turn signal as he switched lanes.” • So rooting against Barry Bonds is RACIST? Only from an ESPN poll. Do I hate Barry Bonds? You bet. Did he use roids? Probably. Do I care? Absolutely not. My favorite part of this whole story is Hank Aaron not caring one bit about Bonds’ homer chase. I’m sure the same black people who don’t believe Bonds took roids are probably the same ones who think the LAPD set up O.J. Simpson when his ex-wife died at the hands of some Puerto Rican guy. 4 p.m. • Well this was interesting. I was driving home from work this afternoon when I encountered an … interesting road rage moment. In order to get onto the Parkway West inbound – the first leg of my weekday journey home – I have to first merge onto this stretch of interstate. Now my rule on letting people merge into my lane may seem cruel, but it’s for the greater good. If there is no room for you to merge, you wait until there’s an opening. I’m not slowing down at risk of getting rear-ended by someone going twice the speed limit just so you can shave 30 seconds off your commute. “But kkk,” you may ask, “you just said you were waiting to merge, not the other way around.” True. And I try to practice what I preach. If there is no opening for me, I’ll wait. As I was waiting an opening presented itself, which I began to speed up for. However, at that time an aqua sports car zoomed out of one lane into the lane I was about to get into. No problem, I thought, I’ll just go in my merging lane and wait for this idiot to pass me, at which time I’ll get on the interstate behind him. I did this. This person got to continue driving way over the 55 mph speed limit, I got to safely merge onto the parkway, and I didn’t get to cause any OUTRAGE with someone who would have claimed I had cut her off. Fine and dandy for all. Or so I thought. As the bitch passed me and I got in the lane right behind her, she flipped me off. Wha-wha-what? Now normally this is the time where I fight back, but I let this one slide. I must have let this go because of the weather. Clear skies, no humidity, plenty of sun. Oh if it could only be like this all the time.

If you're talking about the 1996 welfare reform act, then yes. But, and I may be wrong on this, disability is different. And despite all the "our country doesn't care about the poor" b.s., our biggest spending comes in the form of entitlements.

6:45 p.m. • OK, so the out-of-control niece-in-law is leaving her grandmother’s crib because … well, I don’t know exactly why. She doesn’t pay rent. Doesn’t pay bills. Doesn’t do laundry. Doesn’t cook. Oh, I remember. Wait a minute, no I don’t. She’s getting a two-bedroom apartment with some other late teen/early 20ish chick who already has two kids from two different daddies. This will end nicely, and I can’t wait. But the story gets better. My crack-whore sister-in-law? The one who squirted out the out-of-control niece 20 years ago? Well, she just won her Social Security Disability case, so now not only will she be getting a steady paycheck, but also she’ll be receiving back “pay” from when she began applying several years ago. How much is she getting, you ask. $40,000. That’s right. FORTY THOUSAND DOLLARS. This doesn’t surprise me. Seriously, what’s the point in trying to get ahead in life when all you have to do is get drunk every night and get addicted to any kind of drug that can be smoked, swallowed or injected? Whenever I hear liberals whine about spending cuts that “hurt the poor,” I say “good.” Remember, when you start to feel bad about EEEEEVIL Republicans wanting to take food from the mouths of innocent children and single mothers, think about my crack-whore sister-in-law and about how she “earned” $40k just for contracting hepatitis through dirty heroin needles. Yep, that’s where your tax money is going – not down the drain, but rather into her vein. What clinched her disability was a liver biopsy which showed that on a scale from 1 to 4, with 1 being the most critical liver state and 4 being a healthy liver, she scored a 1. So instead of perusing the classifieds trying to get another job that pays a bit more than your current place of employment, instead of going back to school to get an advanced degree in hopes of landing a better-paying job, just go to the nearest crack house and fuck your body up beyond belief through your own irresponsible choices. Only then will you get to live the American dream – sitting at home with free health care and a steady paycheck.

6 p.m. • Well, this headline sums it all up quite nicely. Don't blame me. I won't be voting for your wife. 12:30 p.m. • So the better half was cleaning the kids drinking fountain when a piece that she removed wouldn't fit back properly. She got mad and went to get a hammer to put the piece back in place. She's now at the pet store getting another water fountain. I'm shocked. • In my redneck of the woods, there’s a ballot initiative in a few weeks about whether to support the local public library or to take a TAX CUT FOR THE RICH SO WE CAN ALL GET NEW RIMS FOR OUR PORCHES. Yeah, I’ll be sure to vote “No” in this election (A “No” vote means the tax stays in place)… NOT! Way to effectively manage this public institution, shitheads. If you wouldn’t have moved the library out of the town it was supposed to serve, you wouldn’t be shitting bricks about us yokels with our pitchforks and torches wanting to kick your collective asses to the curb. I got this multi-color brochure in the mail yesterday begging me to support the library, and in it was some testimonials which were funny as hell. “The Library is the best thing that happened to North Huntingdon since I moved here 30 years ago.” Vicki Rose. What the fuck? After 30 years of development, the best thing to come to this place is a LIBRARY?! Screw that grocery store, screw the new businesses that sprang up. Screw the new houses and roads. It’s the LIBRARY that keeps my town together. Here’s another one. “I’m 80 years old. I don’t own a computer. Last year I attended classes at the Nborwin Public Library and learned to use a computer and the Internet. WOW!” Meccy Grapes. So not only are my taxes going to fund your Social Security, prescription drugs and free mass transit passes, but also I’m now paying for you to download porn? Kiss my ass, granny. “The library offers the gift of access to all of us. This is its true value.” Dana Krydick, Library Consultant. Well no shit you would say this. And this “gift of access” is for those too cheap to spring for their own computer and Internet access. I would say “poor” along with “cheap,” but since you people moved from a more residential location to a more business-concentrated area, if someone can afford to drive a car to play around with the Internet then they can afford a computer/internet connection of their own. And if they can’t afford this minor expense, they can use that time they’re spending on-line to get a job. Yeah, I know I’m a terrible human being, but it’s fun being an asshole to the poor, children, elderly and minorities. Sadly, we haven’t been invaded with ghetto folk from Shittsburgh (that’s probably about 20-30 years down the line), but I can disenfranchise three out of four oppressed groups, and that ain’t bad. Besides, if an AARP activist is for repealing this tax, and the AARP is going to turn out for this vote in lockstep, then it really doesn’t matter how I vote.

I never kid about Shaq's music career.

*Insert folder subject* that makes you think of Josh Hancock.

I knew one other person who had this album, and considering this record went PLATINUM more than three of us bought this hip-hop masterpiece. I always assumed that last shout-out was "Bigum," too. I'll ask Ripper if he knows because I'm sure he has Diesel spinning in his rotation. My misunderstood line from "I'm Outstanding" was "Gonna' take a peek over the mountain." It sounded like he was going to take a "poop" over the mountain. Speaking of Bigum, haters better recognize. Also, I never knew this song had a video. Sadly, the "Bigum" at the end was cut. I eh-eh eh-eh-eh -- sorry I made a blooper.

kkk's Top 103 Posters Number 27: Porter Aside from being a fixture in the always-competitive AFC West Division of my kkk Bowl league, Porter has been more than accommodating on AIM whenever I’ve had a question (or seven) about MVP Baseball 2005. And believe me, I’ve taken advantage of this resource available to me. But I’m not the only poster he tries to help out – he’s been a spokesperson for the then-suspended-now-banned-Damaramu. I also agree with him regarding Bob Ryan looking out of place on “Around the Horn.” I remember him as a fixture on the Sports Reporters (not sure how often he is on there nowadays), and when he doesn’t appear bored on ATH, he doesn’t look all that thrilled about being on the panel. And now a word or two from the expert panel I've assembled to comment on the people I've listed. From Cancer Marney: From SFA Jack: 2 p.m. • Oh the joys of carpooling. There are a number of times when I have to stay late to pick up the better half from her job. OK. I stayed 90 minutes late yesterday because one of her crazy people came in late (big surprise) for an interview. Because of this we are leaving early today from our jobs. Did I say we are leaving early? I meant I'm waiting for her to return my "time to leave" call. Christ, I'm so checked out of the door right now it's not funny. I've been calling her voice mail for non-stop for the last 15 minutes leaving messages. I've never done the "psycho spouse calling every 10 seconds" routine before, but I figured I might as well see how fast I can type this entry while dialing her work number and leaving messages. I was able to do three while typing. 1:30 p.m. • Remember all that stuff I said about number-eight seeds beating number-one seeds in the NBA playoffs a while back? Nevermind. Remember my NBA Playoff predictions from a while back? Nevermind. Wow. Just wow. And fittingly, like any Don Nelson Golden State team, this one as well won’t make it out of the second round. Why do I have a feeling I’ll be referencing this thread a week or two from now? • Well the Republican Presidential hopefuls debated last night. Don’t care. Didn’t watch it. Why waste my time listening to a bunch of crap that the Party had a chance to do for the last dozen years? It doesn’t matter who gets nominated, I’ll be voting for them against Hitlery or Barack Osama. • So the U.S. is electing commies and the Frenchies are electing conservatives? I know nothing about what’s going on over there, but I’m sure “right-wing” over in France means, “We only want to tax you at 85 percent instead of 90 percent.” Either way, if this guy wins there have been threats of rioting. Oh that should be fun. Unless they are Muslims, I don’t see any of these unruly Europeans rioting for longer than six hours per workday. That is unless the topic du jour involves soccer [or football for those across the Pond]. • I kept my mouth shut about that Cardinals pitcher who crashed into a tow truck a week or so ago because I wanted to see if he was shit-faced or not. Now I know. Fuck him. Congrats, ESPN, for having a special edition of "Baseball Tonight" for this shithead who could have killed someone besides himself. I don't care what his ERA is or how many wins and championships he has racked up. Thank God he only offed himself.

As I was scrolling down I was looking at the list of movies trying to decide which one I was going to piggyback off of... ...there we go.

• Poor Kobe Bryant. First he didn’t like sharing the ball with a future hall of famer, and now he wants a better supporting cast. I used to be a Kobe fan (well maybe not a fan, but I had no problem with him) back when he played alongside Shaq, but when this duo split up the line was drawn in the sand: you were either with O’Neal or Bryant. I chose the former. Don’t know why. Maybe it’s because Shaqueille has made several thuggish ruggish rap albums. Yeah, that’s got to be it. In honor of this, I got Shaq Diesel playing now. I’ll treat you like Spielberg/you get Jur-ass kicked in the park. Yes, it’s going to be one of these entries. I don’t get why anyone wouldn’t be able to work with a teammate that could win championship ring after championship ring. Then again, I’m not a pro athlete so what do I know about the pressures of making millions of dollars for playing basketball? If I had to share a locker shower room with O’Neal, I’d probably be pissed off, too. And for the record, I don't think Kobe raped that Colorado chick. But it serves him right for fucking around with those white girls. My Ford Explorer boomin' with the clumped-up funk, all you jealous punks can't stop my dunks, they're brand new like Heavy, built like Chevy, Impala, but Shaq's a smooth balla, (yeah, but what about rhymin?) I can hold my own, knick-knack shaq-attack, give a dog a bone. Not even... About to get busy like Gomer Pyle ...can compete with that one. • Hey, W. might use the ol’ veto pen again. I said it before and I’ll say it again. Fuck hate crimes. If some black guy calls me a no-good cracker while jacking me for my scrillia scratch, I want him to get the same punishment as he wouldn’t have said anything. Of course, I’d want the person to be hung from a tree. Wait a second, that might appear RACIST. How about hanging from a telephone pole? Yeah, that’ll work. • Woah woah woah. Five years. $40 million. Don Imus would have made EIGHT MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR?! • Why in the bloody hell is this even a story? OK, the last part here is worth the newsprint/bandwidth.

That mission wasn't even close to being accomplished. I knew Halliburton should have strapped more dynamite to the levees.

10 p.m. • You know, sometimes when you work for idiots you really want to get the hell out of there. However, there’s something that keeps me from really looking for another job. That reason? Because this place is awesome – in a trainwreck sort of way. Our Marketing Director, which is a fancy way to say “head insurance salesman,” gets boned at every turn at this place and today may have been the final straw. Long story short. Late last month he attended this public event to meet and greet/press the flesh/do that sales stuff which keeps the wheels of commerce spinning. And yesterday he turned in his expense report. Today he got called up and got scolded for a $600 tab. He was gone for three days in Michigan. All he put down was the daily per diem and mileage. He didn’t add anything for food, tolls or other expenses, like, say the RENTAL CAR he got because his two vehicles were in the shop. Here’s how it broke down: Hotel: More than $100 per night for three nights. Mileage. Just under $300 round-trip from Shittsburgh to Michigan. Oh, and this is the first time after more than two years on the job that he turned in a per diem expense. (He didn't even know he was allowed to turn in a per diem for events like this until earlier this year when he told the one idiot that he couldn't afford to keep going to these out-of-state events. That's when the idiot said, "You can put your hotel costs on an expense report." This is the same idiot that gave my co-worker his orientation at this place; I would have thought per diems would have been mentioned when my poor co-worker is "encouraged" to travel as often as possible.) Did I mention he has a "Marketing Budget" of $5,000 that he hasn't been allowed to spend at all this year? After this confrontation, my partner in crime began the day’s job search and had an interview at 3:15 p.m. with a place that knows in 2006 my co-worker did more businesses than the top four producers at the next busiest organization in our field. If he leaves within the next few days I’m going to have a grand ol’ time at work, especially since that will mean my idiot bosses will be too pre-occupied trying to play damage control when my co-worker sends out correspondence describing exactly why he left, which means I’ll be left alone even more than usual. Good times, I say. • Even though the Smues household may be paying more than he would like for car insurance on a 2000 Ford Ranger that has been driven 115,000+ miles, it could have been worse. The future Mrs. Smues could have had a guy with a penis pendant sell her the car. • Oh good lord.

You sure you didn't get hit in the head a few times with that cane, too? So what was worse, the tacks or the smooch?

9 p.m. • So I finally saw that Jeff Gordon video where his car gets pelted with beer after winning some race that put him past the late Dale Earnhardt in the wins total, or something like that. Holy crap was that funny. I’ve said before I’m not a NASCAR fan, so I don’t know shit about caution flags, points or changing tires in 4 seconds. Back in the late 1990s when I worked third shift at a yearbook publishing center in Sappy Valley, a few people around me would always talk NASCAR. Of course I had no idea what they were fighting about, but one thing I took from their heated debates was that you were either a Gordon fan or an Earnhardt fan. If that’s the case, I probably would be in the Earnhardt camp. But like I said above, that video was hilarious. Good job, Alabama. For some reason the first thought to pop into my head after seeing this was that faux commercial South Park did a while back titled “Alabama Man.” • In keeping up with the San Fran theme from the 1:30 p.m. entry, here's another story that was conceived in this city. Nonpartisan my ass. None of those six e-cards went with my submission, which was "Think of all the money you just saved on clothes, food and college tuition." When someone has a living being sucked out of them, you need them to focus on the positive. Oh I sense future government intervention on this one forcing Big Greeting Card to sell something for this kind of occasion. What do you want Hallmark to do -- have these cards on the rack next to the "newborn," or "baby's first birthday" offerings? 1:30 p.m. • So San Fran's tops for pets. I'm sure there's a gerbil/hamster joke to be made here, but I'm above such juvenile tomfoolery. Seattle and Portland I understand, but DC?! I guess they only shoot humans, not pets. Actually, the amount of respect I have for Washington has just increased.

For some reason I thought they were together for a long time. Dessa would be much happier if her two brothers went away.

One thing you might want to prepare yourself for, Vern, is if your two have been together for that long of time, the other one might decide it's time to call it a day as well. The beach -- did he surf or something?

And when a black man tells you stealing is wrong, you know you done fucked up.

Did you take him to the vet or did he pass in your house?

9:30 p.m. Time for another pic of the kids. For those that remember the picture of Max trying to pal up with Dessa on the bed, this one was taken a bit more recently. As you can clearly see by the look on her face, Dessa has really warmed up to Max in the 2+ years we've had him. It's quite amusing to watch all three of them fight over domain of the recliner. 12:15 p.m. • Wow, even four out of the five Communists on the High Court agreed with the more conservative judges on this one. Awww, poor baby. Hey Harris. Fuck you. I hope you remember what a dumbfuck you were every time your diaper needs to be changed. I’ve heard the complaints from those that say these things put the public in danger, and if someone lost a family or friend because some shithead was going 80 mph in a residential area in an attempt to get away from the po-pos because he has a warrant out for his arrest, then I feel your pain. However, instead of taking it out on the cops, how about taking it out on the, oh, I don’t know, CRIMINALS? I’ve advocated for years that people who engage the cops on high-speed car chases should have an attempted murder count charged against them for every motorist they pass by. • So I heard on the radio that the Warriors are up three games to one on the Mavericks. Now that's funny.

Dentists always bitch about you not flossing enough. It's in their handbook of things-to-do. I floss every morning and whenever I get food stuck in-between my teeth (corn on the cob always does it for me).

9:45 p.m. • I just turned off the Nets/Raptors game. New Jersey is up by THIRTY POINTS?! I'm sure there's a "that's only 12 points after the Canadian exchange rate" joke to be made, but damn. I guess Toronto didn't want to play past April. 4:29 p.m. • So I just spent the afternoon playing f’n Bingo with the better half at her church. The mother in-law was going to attend but couldn’t due to visitation with her granddaughter, so guess who was the lucky duck that got to take her place? Yep. Out of approximately 100 people in attendance looking for B-15s and O-72s, there were only three males in attendance, and I was one of them. In addition, I’m quite certain there was only one person there younger than me and Mrs. kkk. Boy do old people love their Bingo. Not only Bingo, but all the little gambling games that take place at one of these events: raffles, scratch-off games, SUPER SPECIAL BINGO CARDS for when games like “Crazy T” and “Fill the Card” are needed when the usual Bingo games aren’t enough to satisfy your fix. When I came into this place there was a poster showing all the ways to win at the regular Bingo games. You had the five across, down and diagonal. OK. Then there was “postage stamp,” where you had to get the top four numbers on upper right-hand side of your card. Big star, little star, four outer corner, four inner corners. Christ, how am I supposed to remember all this shit? And one of the house rules was that you had to call Bingo before the next number was called or else it’s null and void. Then you had the old ladies sitting around you going, “What did he say?” after every other number was called. No wonder telemarketers go after these easy targets. After leaving winless we headed over to the local gas station to get mulch. I mention this because last year the better half was doing some landscaping around the house, and she told me to go and get a dozen or so bags of mulch. I asked what kind she wanted. Her response: “Get whatever.” So I did. I got this black mulch. I guess “whatever” means “anything other than black.” When I brought these bags home the following conversation took place. Her: “What’s this?” Me: “Mulch.” Her: “It’s black.” Me: “And?” Her: “Well I didn’t want black.” Me: “You said ‘get whatever.’” Her: “But we don’t use black mulch.” Me: “We do now.” A funny thing happened when we used this black mulch. It actually turned out pretty darn good. So good in fact, that the mother in-law used the same color that year for her flowerbed. When we went out to get mulch today, the better half complained because the mulch available at the gas station was either in red or brown color. Because of this she dropped me off at home and headed to Home Depot to buy mulch that’s 83 cents more expensive per bag than the Quickie Mart mulch. But guess what color mulch Mrs. kkk is paying more money to get? Yep.

3:30 p.m. • I had a weird dream last night. I don’t remember much of it, but I ended up sitting at a table at my college making change for people. These two college guys walked up and one gave me a $50 bill and said he wanted a bunch of $1s. I started counting from my stash, and when I was around the $30ish dollar mark the guy who didn’t give me the $50 suddenly took the $50 bill and walked away. I was just about to give the other guy his change and then a voice sounding like mine said to me in the dream, “Hey dipshit, they’re ripping you off!” The voice said, “Wake up, idiot!” I did. I’ve done this before whenever I didn’t like how a dream was going for me; I just say in the dream, “OK, I’ve had enough. Wake up.” Good thing I haven’t yet done this get-out-of-dream-now stunt while making (depending on my mood) either Eliza Dusku, Rose McGowan or Jennifer Love Hewitt’s eyes roll to the back of their head. • Even though I have no idea who any of these college football players are, I’ve been watching this year’s NFL draft since noon. LOL at Brady Quinn. Then again, if he gets drafted to a good team, I’d say that’s worth the few million extra he would have made had he gone in the top five spots. Here’s another thing. Shut the hell up Steve Young. OMG, the Packers aren’t getting Bret Favre any help. The guy’s in his 17th year – I hope for Green Bay’s sake they aren’t making picks with the mindset of, “Gee, I hope Brett approves of this.” Instead the Packers took some defensive tackle from Tennessee. Is this guy any good? I have no idea. But it’s funny as hell watching Chris Mortensen beat down Young when talking about who should the Packers draft in the first round.