KingPK

Hasn't every season of TUF started slow?

Bill Simmons gives the Celtics the lambasting they deserve in one of his best columns in a while. How people aren't revolting at the rumors of Doc Rivers getting a contract extension after posting what will be the second WORST record in the HISTORY of the franchise and has had progressively worse records in the three years he's been coach befuddles me. It's the Pitino Era all over again as the fanbase and media is so beaten down and apathetic that people are actually rooting for them to tank in order to get a CHANCE (not a guarantee, a chance) at the #1 or 2 pick and Oden or Durant. The media lets these guys skate because they talk to them instead of deservedly railroading him like they did with Pitino and the fans just go with it. It's fucking SAD when the winningest franchise in NBA history (and of all of American pro sports to boot) has been rendered so irrelevant in a decade and people just let it go.

I petition that we change the ignore feature here to simply say "Shun" with a link to "Un-shun". The betting was just genius and I'm loving that Darryl is getting a lot more face time.

After seeing the Rutgers women's team press conference and on Oprah milking this for all it's worth, I can't get on their side either. I've been sick of the media (more specifically, the useless cable news networks) latching onto things like this and just making it impossible to stomach a minute of any of their programming. The 24-hour news network and the internet were the absolute worst things to happen to media because nobody knows how to constructively use the time and instead fill it with tabloid crap like "Who's Anna Nicole's baby's father?".

Oh man, two episodes in and it is already the best TUF season ever. So far we've seen: - BJ being a massive dick with the draft and the fight selection process. - Crying over being a fatty. - Teammates that hate each other after like three days together. - The near death of a horse. - The guys thinking throwing spears at each other is a good idea and someone throwing a ball into the groin of another as a result. - A riot over the words "suck it" with what has to be a near record for the number of bleeps in a 10 minute span. - Armenian singing. - Nick Diaz being a Diaz. - Corey and Manny showing their Guy Love. - Dana White obviously loving every second of this. And next week someone gets a COLONIC! What the hell ELSE can they do?

Backstage, with his head still aching from a beltshot to cap off the OAOAST's Fifth Anniversary broadcast of HeldDOWN~!, ZACK MALIBU walks with a purpose, that being to locate a man who has grown accustomed to keeping out of view...the World Champion, Drek Stone. Malibu paces the hallways, remaining silent while peeking in doorways, and looking around corners. As he comes to the end of the hall he takes a sharp right, and there in front of him, staring at him is... ...THA PUERTO RICAN!? The two lock eyes for a moment, but the OAOAST X-Division Champion is not who Malibu was looking for. It's a tense moment as one of the OAOAST's most hated stares down its favorite son, but when Malibu tries to walk away, he winds up walking into Cuban Wall, who comes up behind the leader of The Lightning Crew. CUBAN WALL We got a problem? Malibu, unimpressed with the attempted intimidation, looks at the newly crowned X-Division Champion and smirks, then turns his attention back to Cuban Wall. Malibu smirks at him too, showing that look in his eye that this won't be something he forgets about. MALIBU We just might, big man. We just might. Malibu pats Wall on the shoulder and walks away, continuing to seek out Stone. Tha Puerto Rican and Wall turn and walk Malibu storm off, neither one impressed with the OAOAST Original here tonight. COLE Zack certainly can't be in a good mood right now and it would be a very bad move to get in his way. COACH He has nobody to blame but himself. He had the opportunity to take out Drek Stone and he FAILED Cole. He FAILED at it. COLE I wouldn't say that to his face partner. COACH Oh, neither would I, but it's the truth. COLE Main event time! Residing in the center of the squared circle in place of Michael Buffer is every sexual predator's favorite part time ring announcer/wrestler, Maggie Nerdly. She's outfitted herself in the preppy goth attire of a two sizes too small black polo shirt, ruffled black mini skirt, and purple fishnet stockings that disappear into knee high combat boots. Around her neck shines an absolutely stunning diamond necklace. MAGGIE Portland, Oregon it is time for our main event! “YEAAAAAAA!” MAGGIE This match is for a title that's lusted after by thousands of tag teams world wide, the oaoast world tag team championships! But tonight only one team gets the opportunity to go home the champs. Let's get 'em out! The audience hears the sound of a cash register popping open, leading to a stream of boos to pour down from the stands. Over their jeers comes the voice of Vitamin X stating to "Come and take your Vitamin X” Bling-Bling by The B.G. featuring The Big Tymers and Hot Boys joins the mass of noise, only increasing the crowd's heat. Through the parting entrance doors steps the target of onlooker's hatred, Vitamin X, decked out in Blue oaoast sweatpants, and the brand new green Lightening Crew baseball jersey available at oaoast.com. Hooked between his arms is the green eyed goddess Princess Stacey, her tiara shimmering under the swirl of orange spot lights. Behind the fabulous couple resides the decidedly unfabulous, Mister Boricua. His enormous frame packed into a black vest, pleated black dress pants, and a wealth of gaudy gold chains, he tosses his fists into the sky and emits a roar of violence. COACH These two guys took it to Caboose and Some Guy at Anglemania, kicked the daylights out of them and gave them the worst beating they've ever gotten in their life. And now they get their much deserved award, a tag title shot on a HeldDOWB mainevent. Princess Stacey will look beautiful as the valet of champions. MAGGIE Introducing first, weighing in at a lot of pounds, what he lacks in brains, he makes up in lard, from Tijuana, Mexico....MISTAAAAAH BORICUAAAAA! And his partner being led to the ring by her royal highness, the green-eyed goddess, Princess Stacy, from Miami, F-L-A, he is the X-Man, the Crown Prince of Bling-Bling, all hail Prince Vitamin, VITAMIN X! Together they represent the Lightening Crew! Despite Maggie's rosy announcement the audience is less then kind in their reception of the Lightening Crew members. Chants of “X IS A PUSSY” already begin to work their way past the thumping music. The target of the taunts has his ears covered by the green-eyed goddess, but that does nothing to ease his ill temper. Mister Boricua on the other hand couldn't care less about his partner's mistreatment, and merely wonders why he can't see through his sunglasses. The answer is simple, he's not wearing sunglasses, his eyes are closed. COLE The Lightening Crew getting the opportunity of a lifetime here tonight, to bring home oaoast tag title gold Should these two win the LC will control every oaoast title but the World championship and the Heartland title. COACH Should they win? When they win! The Crew ain't like Alix and Krista, they don't spread their interests out, go mixing it up in other ventures and treat wrestling like a hobby. Naw, The Crew has made it a point to train for total domination of the oaoast title scene. That's why you can count on them winning tonight. Upon entering the squared circle, The X Man mounts himself atop the second turnbuckle, where his arm cross into his trademark X. Stacey mimics the gesture of her beau, as the fans continue to jeer their show of arrogance. Elsewhere, Mister Boricua viciously growls at several young ringside fans, ensuring they'll have plenty of nightmares when they lay their heads to bed tonight. Hey, hey, you, you I don't like your girlfriend! No way, no way! I think you need a new one Hey, hey, you, you I could be your girlfriend! Hey, hey, you, you! I know that you like me! No way, no way! No, it's not a secret Hey, hey, you, you!! I want to be your girlfriend! The sensational pop beat of Girlfriend by Avril Lavinge floods the arena with a bouncing melody. It's quickly joined by a thunderous ovation from the now standing crowd, who scream chants of “C-O-D! C-O-D!” A pink pyro waterfall cascades from the ceiling splashing hot sparks about the entry way. It's then intertwined with a gorgeous red pyro fountain, and multi colored embers skirt along the area. Once the pairing subsides, a golden pyro wall overtakes the entire stage with it's tremendous size, leaving behind a thick haze of smoke in it's wake. The rolling clouds give way to a site of true beauty that of Krista Isadora Duncan's seductively posed body accentuated by a stomach exposing red Obey™ tank top that reads "Make Art. Not War" and a black open sided mini skirt that pleases the audience by revealing her entire left leg. Behind her is Alix Spezia, who has obviously decided to forgo the whole silly wrestling attire thing, and sports a beach babe fashionable super low rise heavily destroyed jeans, and a white long sleeved solid brown striped collared shirt from Hollister. The Hollywood Bad Girl gingerly bounces across the staging area, pumping her arms in tune to the beat and whipping the crazed crowd into further frenzy. “C-O-D! C-O-D! C-O-D!” MAGGIE And the champs! From Los Angeles, Californ-i-a, she's cute, she's saucy, she's sexy, she's funny, and her cookies are the reason I'll need lipo by age thrity, she is the CEO of Miss Spezia's Sweeties, THE HOLLYWOOD BAD GURRRRL, ALIX MARIAAAAA SPEZIAAAAAAAA. And her partner in life, love, state sponsored civil unions and oaoast tag team matches...she is a loving mother, a best selling author, an owner of two masters degrees, the founder and star of the FIT with KID exercise videos, the reason all my brothers are blind and have hairy palms, she is the hottest thing in Los Angeles, Miss California, KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN. Together they are three time tag team champions, America's Sweethearts, Hollywood “It” Girls, and my favorite wrestlers, CHICKS OVER DICKS! Portland, give it up! “C-O-D! C-O-D! C-O-D!” Ally's prancing is shut down the exact moment Krista locks onto her arm. Without any warning, the submissive Alix is twirled like a ballerina and seductively pulled into her dance partner's arms. Brushing a strand of hair away from her face, Ally flips an alluring kiss to camera causing cute super imposed red lips to pop on the screen COACH I'm surprised that they even showed their faces tonight considering all the feelings they caught over Jade wising up and joining The Enterprise. What did Krista's advice ever get Jade? Nada. Yeah Jade led D*LUX to three HI-YAH tag team champions. But I got some major dirt on HI-YAH, I'ma get at that someday quick. For instance, it's a Japan based fed, but you ever seen a Japanese dude wearing any of their belts? Naw, never. Just oaoast wrestlers. Only oaoast wrestlers. HI-YAH looking real shady right about now. Damn orientals can't be trusted! You saw Pearl Harbor! COLE Good lord. As the girls trek down the aisle, Alix tosses kisses to her army of adoring fans, who are more then happy to return the gesture, and offer their own proclamations of love. Krista is far too concerned with fluffing her supermodel worthy blond locks to bother with such peasantry as greeting the paying customers. If you had hair that looked that fantastic, you'd be an unashamed snob as well. The fans are absolutely enraptured and continue to build up their chants of “C-O-D!” COLE All is vanity, but Krista is certainly still upset about Jade. Probably more so then Alix, as Jade looked up to Krista as a role model and mentor. It's a horrible betrayal and one that came completely without warning. I didn't think it was possible, but Krista's even more depressed then usual backstage. When the girls enter the ring, Krissy leans over the cables to showcase a charmingly arrogant smirk to the millions of viewers watching at home. Ally stands to her side, flashing a beauty queen smilie, and holding her hands towards Krista like she's Vanna White, showing off a Wheel of Fortune prize. Does that show still come on? Patty needs to know! Anyway, Alix gingerly skips to the ring apron, leaving Krista to assume her usual role as the starter of the contest. COLE What's the strategy behind Krista always starting the matches? COACH There is none. Shut up and be quiet, I must admire the beauty of Princesses Stacey and Maggie and absolute silence. America you can keep your old maids like Alix, Krista, or Holly-Wood, the Coach hits 'em young, and he hits 'em from behind. DING DING DING GOES THE TROLLY, RING RING RING GOES THE BELL Borucia seems ready to talk out (or in his case grunt out) a decent strategy for this important affair. However, Vitamin's incredible arrogance prevents him from listening to his cohorts “wisdom”, and he instead charges at Krista, sliding onto his stomach in an effort to grab her legs and pull her to the mat. Krissy's speed allows her to avoid his oncoming charge, but Miami native is relentless and continues to hound her across the ring. Eventually Miss California grows tired of being hounded about the squared circle and steps into him for a lockup. They tussle for a few brief moments before X uses his strength to wrestle her to the canvas. Having mounted her, he takes the opportunity to blow her a disgusting kiss. The taunt infuriates the hot tempered diva, and causes her to fight free of his mount and him trap into a kneeling side headlock. X gets to his feet rather quickly, and once again makes use of his strength, employing it to power out of her clutches. He then drives several knees into her bare midsection, smiling contemptuously as he does so. But Krissy returns fire with knees of her own that overwhelm X's own strikes. Unable to out knee the blond bombshell, X subdues her for the moment with a headlock. Only mere seconds later, she discards the hated grappler by shoving him into the ropes. But he returns to bowl her over with a shoulder block, that leaves her writhing on the mat in discomfort. “BOOOOOYAH!” The X Man screams. The crowd replies, “BOOOOOOO!” “No not BOOOOOOO! BOOOOOOO-YAH!” He instructs them, honestly thinking they don't know how to pronounce booyah. “BOOOOOO!” “BOOOOOYAH!” “BOOOOOO!” Tired of the futile job of educating Portland's ignorant fools, X returns his attention to Krista. Unfortunately she's not nearly as injured as when he left her, and a pair of thudding elbow strikes greet his return. Shunning the pain of the attacks, he's able to lock her into position for a T-Bone suplex. But our heroine has more then enough energy to elbow her way free of the hold. X staggers backwards, clutching his bruised mouth. When he's assured there's no blood on his lips, he angrily charges towards the champion, but her New Balance tennis shoes take him off his feet with a spinning wheel kick! “BOOOOOYAH!” she hollers, further mocking poor X by performing the Shane-O-Mac shuffle with even more grace an style then the move's namesake ever did. “K-I-D! K-I-D! K-I-D!” sing the Portlanders as their beloved heroine goes through a round of comically elaborate shadow boxing. Deeply annoyed by the humiliation, X rises to his feet and launches a haymaker towards his vexatious foe. But Krissy counters by slamming her bare knee into his gut. She then Irish whips him into a vacant corner, where his back brutally slams against the harsh ring post. As he whimpers in distress, the fitness queen darts in on him with a body splash. But, X recovers in time to dip low and use Krissy's momentum against her in order to flip her over the ropes. However, much to fans incredible delight, the champion lands on her spotless white tennis shoes! The X-Man is dismayed to find Krista beaming her covergirl smile at him, and takes off from the ropes to blast her with a lariat. However this plan goes horribly awry when Krista leaps into the air and pulls him over the ropes with a head scissors! Unable to brace himself for the creative counter, Vitamin X is sent toppling through the air and lands with a harsh thud on the thin ring mats! Krista on the other hand manages to use the ropes as a stabilizing force, and they allow her to stay on the ring apron and roll back into the squared circle. “KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!” COACH The X-Man just got tossed out of the ring by a woman's crotch. Both fun and awful at the same time. Standing up, and coping with an enormous headache and the rowdy fans who ceaselessy taunt him, X would have to place the experience in the “awful” category. However the situation only grows worse, when Krista targets a running baseball slide towards him. He succeeds in raising his arm for protection, but this does nothing to prevent the strike from thrusting him over the guardrail and into the laps of the hateful fans. As Miss California returns to the squared circle, her enemy desperately tries to free himself from the prison of beer, vulgarity, hot dogs, and foam fingers. Princess Stacy tries to check on her man, but it's nearly impossible to see past the fans who wish to make his life a total hell. Speaking of people who wish to do damage to the X-Man, Krista is building up speed on the ropes. When she reaches the edge of the ring, she tosses caution (and the fact that she's a thirty five year old woman) to the wind and leaps over the ropes with a majestic swanton bomb! The result of the breath taking aerial attack is anything but majestic, however, as the hottest thing in West Los Angeles, collides with X and the wealth of fans that were holding him in place! The now standing crowd mixes chants of holy shit with her name, as she gives the middle finger to the camera to show that she's okay. COLE Holy jumpin! Vitamin X just got wiped out! Not wanting to settle for the easily obtainable count out victory, Krista, with the help of a few fans, chucks Vitamin's limp frame over the guardrail. Calling upon a great effort to move his two hundred forty odd pounds, she manages to roll him into the oaoast ring. But all the time it took to return him to the battleground seems to have allowed X time to recover, and when Krissy arrives in the ring, her face is plastered with a jab! Another one follows, giving rise to jeers from the crowd, who know X's version of the Shane-O-Mac shuffle is forthcoming. But Krista saves the fans from being subjected to Vitamin's questionable dancing ability, by launching him towards the ringposts. But, X shifts his weight and reverses the hold, and it's Miss California who appears to be on a one way collision course with the turnbuckles. However she ascends to the top post then springs backwards in a corckscrew position! Her arm snakes around the neck of her challenger in the setup for a DDT, but The X Man stymies these efforts by bending backwards and hitting her with a bridged northern lights suplex! Referee Billy Silverman scores the fall. ONE TWO But, Krista kicks out, delighting the Oregon fans. She heads upright on her own power, but is immediately slung through the sky by a hip toss from The X-Man. Fortunately Krista lands on her feet and promptly turns the tables on the challenger, by hooking onto his arm and driving his face into the canvas with a full nelson face crusher. While his partner paws at his near busted nose, Boricua stands on the apron, more concerned with chewing on the orange ropes then anything else. COLE I wonder what those ropes taste like. Oranges? Tangerines? Grapefruit? While Cole exposes himself as a total dunce, Krista retreats to her corner to tag in the spunky Alix. The usual chants of “ALIX! ALIX!” are heard loud and clear, as The X man tries to slink his way to safety. But Krista quickly locks him down by taking hold of his legs. Within seconds he's raised into a slingshot as Krissy drops her body backwards to the canvas. But he's never released from her arms, as Alix leaps from the top cable to slam her shoes into his chest. The force of the blow plummets him backwards and his spine is impaled on Krista's raised knees! The audience is tickled with glee for X's misfortune, and happily inform of the similarities he shares with a particular part of the female anatomy. COLE Maybe the ropes taste like carrots. With Krista departed from the ring, The Hollywood Bad Girl resumes the task of squashing X's title dreams. But X momentarily delays her efforts by snatching her into an arm wringer as he rises. Alix winces in discomfort, as X violently tweaks her limb from side to side. Before the Lightening Crew member can manage to rip her shoulder from his socket, she's able to reverse the hold and claim an arm wringer of her own. In celebration of her very minor victory, Alix sings “I'm hot! I know it, I shake my big booty and show it! You suck, you know it, I'll kick your ugg booty and show it!” Despite that musical proclamation, Alix's move lasts no longer then three seconds, thanks to X rolling forward and kipping up into an arm wringer of his own. “Ouchie, ouchie, ouchie!” Ally mumbles as she circles about the ring, with X latched onto her limb like an unwanted parasite. Tired of being drug about the squared circle, The X Man grounds Alix with a side headlock takeover. His legs proceed to coil around her neck, in a thinly veiled effort to illegally choke her out. But the plucky babe effortlessly fights through these black clad jailers and springs upright. But before she can effort any sort of attack, her foe roughly shoves her towards the direction of his mammoth partner. Unfortunately for the LC, Boruica has become distracted by Maggie's glimmering diamond necklace and is unable to properly perform the double team. However, his large body does the work his mind can't think to do, and when the brunette babe slams into his frame, she's stumbled back into a roll up from Prince Vitamin. But no sooner then Silverman drops to his knees to count the pin does Ally reverse the fall in her favor! Half a second later, The X Man returns control of pinfall to his corner! But finally Alix swings momentum back to her team, and just to make sure Vitamin X doesn't try any reversal, she pulls down his sweat pants to reveal the abhorrent sight of X's Captain America thonged behind! Princess Stacy is beside herself with disgust for the embarrassment X has suffered, but Boricua is rather entertained by the whole situation! “WE'RE NOT WORTHY! WE'RE NOT WORTHY!” the audience sarcastically shouts to the exhibit of The X man's pimple ridden, pock marked derrière. COLE What I'm wondering is who would make a Captain America thong, and would we really want this person living amongst us without provisions preventing from being within eighty feet of where children play? X kicks out of the resulting pinfall faster then he's ever kicked out in his life, and hikes his pants up around his waist. His eyes smolder with fury, and his mind lusts for vengeance for his ill treatment. But Alix attempts to make amends by presenting X with this helpful brochure... Needless to say the Miami native is less then accepting of this gesture of goodwill, and offers a present of his own, that of a running lariat. But Ally sweeps bellow the oncoming blow, and when The X Man turns around to hit her with the boomerang version of the move, the beach babe sweeps him off his feet with a dropsault! Yet The Prince gets upright just as quickly as he went down. However he's snatched into another arm wrench by The Hollywood Bad Girl. He's led towards the COD corner where he watches Alix apply the tag with partner in life, Krista Isadora Duncan. Ally then frees Vitamin X, but it's not a freedom to savor, however, as Alix shoots his testicles into his chest cavity with a an inverted atomic drop. While X bemoans the fate of his kibbles and bits, the blond bombshell is ascending to the highest turnbuckle, generating a strong roar of anticipation from the capacity crowd. As Krista works to stabilize herself on the shaky perch, Alix positions a weakened X at the side of her body. He makes a small effort to fight free of her grasp, but it's to no avail, and Krista is able to dismount her nest with a gorgeous corckscrew moonsault press! The second her billion dollar body hits his frame, Alix drives him backwards, combining her side Russian leg sweep with Miss California's moonsault press. “C-O-D! C-O-D!” bleat the spectators. Alix scurries out of the squared circle, allowing Krista to attempt a fall. Silverman drops to his knees for the count. CROWD ONE But The X Man shoots his shoulder off the canvas long before the two count ever comes. Taking hold of his creatively designed football jersey, the best selling author drags him upright, only to throw him back down to the canvas with a deep arm drag. Despite the obvious pain building in his limb, The X Man returns to his feet. But his quick rise is roundly punished by Miss California who tears at the ligaments in his arm with a second arm drag. This time there will be no speedy ascent for the despised heel, as the foxy mama jails him with an arm lock. The agony of the move is immediate, and a stark misery sharpens X's usually nondescript face. “X'S A PUSS-SEE!” *CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP* “X'S A PUSS-SEE!” *CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP* the ever so classy Portlanders remark. COACH Can you believe this? A man is in pain, a great man is in pain, and they're calling him a pussy. How can any one who has the guts to step into the oaoast ring be a pussy. I can understand if you're talking about Spanish Fly or Colombian Heat, but not DA X-MAN! DA X-MAN! Even with the dangerous submission still attached to him, Vitamin is able to work his way upright. Possessing little moral character, he has no qualms about taking the devious way out of the hold, and thus head butts his way to freedom. Over Krissy's shrieks of searing pain, Silverman and the fans admonish X for his behavior, but with the vexing arm lock a pleasingly distant memory, he couldn't care less what they have to say. Now near his corner, The X Man decides that it's time to unleash Boricua upon the comparatively diminutive lass. He locks Krista down into a modified abdominal stretch, then extends his hand for a tag from his Lightening Crew cohort. The hulking monstrosity enters the ring accompanied by a round of primal roars from his thick voice. He measures Krista's body, then drives his tree trunk sized shoe into her stomach. In spite of owning a lean six pack, Krissy yelps in pain caused by the basic but deadly strike. Believing that the lumbering ogre will be able to secure the tag team titles singlehandedly, The X Man retreats to the outside where he embraces Princess Stacy for a preemptive victory celebration. COACH Those two wacky kids, in youth and in love. It brings tears to the eyes of this wrestling broadcast journalist. God speed you two! With Krista backed into the corner, Boricua delivers a massive overhand chop to her ample chest. The tremendous strength it was delivered with makes it feel as though she was hit by a speeding truck, and her knees buckle beneath her. Using the ropes for support, she slinks away from the posts, trying to put much needed distance between herself and the Lightening Crew's giant. But Boricua stalks her path, and when he catches up to her, he launches her into the ring ropes. Upon her return, Miss California is twirled through the sky in a tilt a whirl slam. But the slam portion of the hold is never completed, because Krissy counters the move into a lateral press. The sold out crowd counts along with Silverman's slapping of the mat. CROWD ONE! CROWD TWO! But the LC's heavy hitter kicks out in impressive fashion, thrusting the SoCal diva several feet into the air as he does so. Fortunately she lands on her pretty little tennis shoes. But to say that troubling journey through the air set off a few alarm bells would be a serious understatement. A worried Krista uneasily backs towards a neutral corner, as the Boricua closes in her, enveloping her entire universe with his flabby physique. The worried fitness beauty whips a kick into his midsection. While the move pushes him back a few centimeters, it does nary a speck of damage, and he's able to regain the distance he just lost in a matter of nanoseconds. Now downright assaulted with fright, Krista drops to all fours and makes an effort to crawl through the gap in his legs. Sadly, this proves to be a most unsuccessful escape effort as the ogre nonchalantly grabs the blond bombshell by her ankles. His grip is stronger then a bear trap, and despite her frenzied efforts to break free, she remains his unwilling prisoner. Free to do as he wishes with her, he flips her onto her back, grabs hold of both her bare legs, then rockets her high into the sky as if she weighed as much as a small poodle. His unorthodox attack causes her to endure a brutal head first landing on the mat that instantly sends the fans and Krista into a state of worry for their beloved Krissy. Boricua however, is unceasing in his assault, dropping down to his knees and blasting away with huge amounts of firepower in the form of closed fists. Silverman, at Alix's heated request, sternly admonishes Boricua for his illegal strikes. However the muscular grappler pays the official's warning little heed. It's only when the referee physically interjects himself into the pounding that the savage brutalization ends. “I AM....BORICUA!” the abomination clumsily bellows, creating a torrent of heel heat from the fans who can't stand to watch their heroine be beaten in such a manner. COACH What kind of a world is it, when a man can't even say his own name, without fools judging him, and trying to run him down? Shame on all of you! Shame! Krissy stands up, sporting an admirable, if not utterly misguided, look of determination. She waves the big man on, and he accepts her challenge, fully intending on eradicating the troublesome lady for the good of the Crew. He grabs her arm and hurls her into orange ring ropes. They giftwrap her back to Boricua who waits with a lariat. However Miss California moves much too quick for her oafish rival, and is able to leap onto his shoulders with little difficulty. Boricua becomes wrought with panic as Krista's lovely legs wrap around his massive neck, constricting his breathing. His fears prove to be well founded, as she flips The Puerto Rican's bodygaurd head over heels with a majestic hurricanrana that thrusts the onlookers into a joyous frenzy! “KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!” Boricua groggily begins to move to his feet, but his ascension is delayed by a swift basement drop kick to the top of his bald head. The excellently placed attack rocks his neck back and forth like a bobble head and sends the overwhelmed tub of goo rolling away in pain. Krista, breathing bloody murder, closes the distance between her foe with three lanky steps. Reaching down and taking hold of his arm she grins, ready to pull him up for more punishment! But suddenly Boricua launches a vile fist upward, landing it in her six-packed stomach! “YEAH, BABY! YOU DA MAN, BORICUA!” The X Man screams on the apron. While his nauseous enemy tries her damndest not to vomit the Slim Fast Milkshake she had for lunch, Mister Boricua waddles off the ropes, building “speed” for a deathly lariat. But as he draws near his victim she roars to life with a spinning wheel kick. The crowd popping move delays the lariat and deposits the boulderous fighter into the ropes. Unwilling to give her formidable even a brief second to regain his composure, Miss California surges forward, praying that she can catch him off balance and miraculously remove him from the ring. But Boricua recovers in time to greet her advance with a back body drop that threatens to eject her from the ring. The audience holds their collective breath, thinking that this mismatch is about to come to a grizzly end for our heroine. But Krista lets them all breathe a long sigh of relief as she expertly lands her shoes onto the ring apron. Unlike the applauding crowd, Boricua is less then pleased to see that Krista has avoided a disastrous plummet. Snarling with feral rage, he surges forward to remove her from the apron with a body splash But the golden haired beauty blocks this move by dipping low and slicing his paunchy midsection with a shoulder block. Taken by surprise by his failure to strike her down, Mister Boricua is left stunned with aggravation. Krista takes quick advantage of his momentary confusion; she flings herself back into the squared circle, and tries to accomplish the impossible by sucking him down with a sunset flip! COACH She ain't bringing him down for that. Ain't no way no how. Bullets of sweat pop off her worried face as it appears Mister Boricua's ungodly weight will be an insurmountable obstacle. The crowd starts to sing her name, trying to wil her the strength to achieve her goal. But the simple minded gargoyle remains erect like a towering Gothic statue. Making matters worse, he soon goes on the offense and drills a punch directly towards Krissy's lovely face. Not wishing to have her nose be splattered across the ring, the vicious vixen slides through the monster's legs, narrowly avoiding his fist! “I AM....ANGRY!” Boricua whines, not garnering much sympathy for the staunchly Pro-COD fans. Not only that, but his hand is vibrating with a tremendous amount of pain. All that coupled with his abysmal speed, allows a much faster Krista to seize the moment to attack. She plants a basement dropkick into his gargantuan posterior that drops him throat first across the orange ring ropes. The front row fans openly mock his misfortune, but that will soon be the least of his worries if Krissy's plans march to completion. Grabbing onto the third rope, the blond bombshell slingshots herself out the ring, and extends her leg forward to hit Boricua in the back of the neck with a gorgeous leg drop! As the crowd roots on his enemy, the big man rolls back towards the center the ring, the affects of Krista's aerial assault slicing painful gashes into his throat. Meanwhile on the outside, the blond bombshell strikes a few sultry Marylin Monroe-esque poses for the throng of eager fans dying to capture her gorgeous image on their cameras. COLE Portland loves Krista and Alix. And now is as good a time as any to remind fans that HeldDOWN will be in Los Angeles, California next week, the hometown of The Hollywood “It” Girls, Chicks Over Dicks, as well as the South Central Militia. I'm sure the many fans at the sold out Staples Center will be thrilled to have Alix and Krista home, though I'm not sure how The Militia's reception will be. Once Krista is finished amusing her legion of fans, she returns to the squared circle where she tags in the equally beloved Alix. The fans welcome the culinary sensation back into the contest with a rousing ovation, Mister Boricua, however, welcomes her with charging elbow smash. Alix blocks the hideous strike by stabbing her leg into his oncoming arm with a superkick. The unusual counter staggers the Mexican, and the momentum of the colliding move twists his three hundred pounds in a 180 rotation. The California cutie quickly capitalizes on his moment of disorientation to drag him down with a neckbreaker! “ALIX! ALIX! ALIX!” Though the devastating hold would've spelled certain doom for any other member of the roster, the mighty Boricua is wholly unphased by it, and raises upward with a vile sneer corrupting his already ugly face. Ever the resourceful one, Ally pulls a quarter out of her pants pocket in an effort to assuage her fuming rival. “Lookie, lookie what Ally has!” She says in her sweetest voice, waving the shiny coin in front of Boricua vacant eyes. He beams with excitement “IT IS...CIRCLE!” “Not just any circle, dude! A quarter! And guess what, dude? It's so yours! Here ya go, babe.” Ally gently places the coin into Boricua's hand. His eyes go wide, and shine with sudden joy. “ME EAT NOW!” He proclaims, then tosses the quarter down his gullet. Ally is left dumbfounded. “Uh, no?” “ME EAT NOW!” He proclaims, then tosses the quarter down his gullet. But wait! He already consumed the money, and so his crooked teeth clamp down on his large stubby fingers and his shout of “HURT!” echoes throughout the venue A bleak madness settles into his face. “WOMAN STEAL BORICUA CIRCLE!” “Yeah! Wait, no. Wait, what the hell is going on?” No time to answer that! Boricua is on a completely illogical rampage, seeking to remove Alix's head from her body with a lariat. Ally avoids the catastrophic strike, sweeping beneath his outstretched arm. But Boricua promptly redeems himself by horse whipping Alix across the jaw with a back elbow. The starlet timbers backwards, but isn't afford a single second to lick her wounds, as the Tijuana native covers her with a lateral press. ONE TWO Alix kicks out, infuriating the crazed quarter muncher. He decides to make her regret the day she never consumed his coinage, and ensnares her into a sleeper hold. The affects of the move are immediate, a painful constricting of her breathing. This is more then a mere rest hold, for Alix this is onerous battle to remain conscious. Boricua does her effort to stay awake no favors, violently cranking on her neck, torquing it as roughly as his strength will allow, putting a look of evident discomfort on her normally cute face. The supportive crowd promptly takes up the task of rallying the babyface, singing her name in unison. “LET'S GO ALIX! LET'S GO ALIX! LET'S GO ALIX!” Drawing strength from their kindness, Miss Spezia bucks and roars against the body builder's epic restraints. His response is to simply tighten his grasp, and let her drift into a comfortable slumber. However this turns out to be a futile effort as our adorable heroine keeps on warring against his move. Eventually her frantic movement is able to weaken his clutches just enough that she's able to bring herself to her feet. Boricua follows her upright, wrought with panic that his move is dangerously close to evaporating. His fears turn out to be well founded, as Miss Spezia launches a calvary of stomps into his boot that shred at his clutches. The sixth and final strike shatters the hold altogether, and pops the capacity crowd while causing The X Man to curse up a storm. While Alix may be free of the sleeper, she's not free from the unhinged brawler. And he keeps her aware of this chilling fact, by dropping her to the canvas with a simple forearm across her back. Pleased with the damage he's done, Boricua retreats to his corner to allow Vitamin X entry into the affair. “X'S A PUSS-SEE!” *CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP* “X'S A PUSS-SEE!” *CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP* The X Man charges towards Alix with a sunset flip. He lands flat on his back, but unfortunately, The Hollywood Bad Girl refuses to follow the script and remains upright. The X Man attempts to tug her down by her ripped jeans, but eventually his grasp is lost when she goes airborne. Unable to move away in time, X's face is pulverized by her descending elbow. He coughs up a ball of blood, as the audience salutes Ally's counter. Clutching his wounded mouth, X rises to an unsteady base. Miss Spezia capitalizes on his wounded state by stabbing her boot into his midsection. But Vitamin catches hold of her three hundred dollar Adidas shoe, and slams it back into the canvas. The sudden jolt of the counter throws Alix off balance, which allows Vitamin the chance to obliterate her with a lariat. However, she ducks underneath his incoming missile, and he clumsily stutters forward instead. The harmless avoidance then turns disastrous when Miss California departs the ring apron to punish The X Man with a springboard shooting star press! As X's remains convulse on the canvas, Krista Isadora Duncan bows to the audience like her modern dance namesake. ”YEAAAAAAAAA!” screams the crowd, while Princess Stacy frets over her beau's health. Amid all the commotion over the aerial showing, The Hollywood Bad Girl attempts a pinfall.... CROWD ONE! CROWD TWO! X tears his shoulder away from the canvas, and the audience is completely livid as a result. COLE Look at Boricua he's not even paying attention. He's trying to get Maggie to let him see her necklace. COACH Is it wrong for a man to have an appreciation for fine jewelry? Despite the quickness of his pin escape, the Floridian is unable to regain control of the contest, and his enemy punishes him with grounded knee strikes to the chest. After she finishes devouring his pectorals with her kneecaps she drags the Lightening Crew member upright. From there she entangles him within an inverted headlock. He shoots knees towards her cute face in a desperate effort to escape the clutches, but his sweat pants covered legs fail to reach the champion. As such she's easily able to spin to his side, slice her arm through his neck, and push him down to the canvas with a variated DDT! While The X Man lays a battered wreck on the floor, the onlookers loudly ovate Ally Cat's flashy move. Once again she attempts a lateral press... CROWD ONE CROWD TWO Once again Prince Vitamin avoids certain defeat, disgusting the arena audience. Princess Stacy celebrates his escape by chanting her name when no one else will. She tries to get Boricua to join in the battle cry, but he'd prefer to offer these gems of literary goodness... “This old man, he played one, He played knick knack with his thumb, With a Knick, knack, paddy whack,Give the dog a bone; This old man came rolling home. This old man, he played two, He played knick knack with my shoe,With a Knick, knack, paddy whack, Give the dog a bone; This old man came rolling home." While his partner waxes musical on Mother Goose, Vitamin X moves to a vertical base. He deploys an elbow into Alix well developed stomach, but thanks to the “abs of steel” nature of her midsection she's able to brush away the pain, and launch the Prince towards his corner. But he reverses the move and sends Ally Cat running towards the turnbuckles. This innocent reversal turns deadly the second Boricua's knee is planted into her back. She instantly sinks to her own knees, howling in marked pain that just adds to the audience's hatred for the Lightening Crew members. Krista and the crowd urge Robinson to lay down the law on Mister Boricua. But a menacing sneer from mammoth ex soccer player, seem to have sealed the official's lips. The X Man hurls a dazed Alix into the ring cables. Thankfully her fog of grogginess disappears just in time to avoid his standing lariat! Her feet move her towards Boricua, who's eagerly awaiting a chance to impale her with a swat of his mighty fist. But his dream remains just that, as Ally Cat blasts him off the apron with a running dropsault! Teeth, sweat, chicken grease, and three hundred pounds of lard undergo a tumultuous crash to the ringside mat, as the audience shake the rafters with a huge roar. “ALIX! ALIX! ALIX!” Spurred on by a rush of adrenaline, the bodacious babe directs a running elbow smash towards The X-Man. But he avoids the strike by lowering his body and locking her down with a waistlock. His body movements say German Suplex but his adversary says otherwise, shooting a round of elbows into his noggin. The unanswered series of blows cause his grip to weaken, and allow Ally to execute a standing switch. Unlike he, she has no disillusions of hitting a German Suplex, and instead goes for a simple but effective school boy. Silverman scores the fall.... CROWD ONE CROWD TWO The X Man makes another last minute escape, by reaching up and shoving her into his vacant corner. But the area doesn't stay vacated for long, as Boricua like King Kong rising from a swampy morass, returns to the apron to latch onto Alix's head and drive her throat first into the cables. She recoils off the ropes, pawing at her wounded neck, making a useless effort to stop her last bit of breath from abandoning her. Her troubles only increase when The Prince nearly decapitates her with a big boot. But the adorable heroine evades the harsh hold by springing into the skies and crushing The X Man's cranium with a Sucker Free DDT(Tornado DDT)! With the X Man riddled a useless heap by the trademark move, Ally moves to her station to return KID into the title bout. The audience is rabid with excitement for Krista's reappearance in the match. COLE Listen to these fans! That incredible reaction lasts for all of ten seconds, as the ever resilient Vitamin X storms over to Krista and blasts her with clubbing forearms before she can properly enter the ring. The official chastities The X Man for his poor sportsmanship, but the LC member ignores him, focusing all his attention on decimating the beautiful champion. He latches onto Krista's vibrant golden locks and drags her into the squared circle. The arrogant blue chipper hauls her into a neutral corner, and uses his burly frame to seal off her escape routes. He raises his thin arm, preparing to strike down on Krista like some sort of demented human guillotine. But the speedy lady somehow manages to slip past X's elevated limb, leaving the man dumbfounded! She takes advantage of his brief confusion, and swaps places with him on the turnbuckle. With his chest in a vulnerable spot, she unleashes a hellstorm of knife edge chops on his football jersey. Each blow does a fantastic job of tearing away at the skin hidden beneath the mesh. However his mounting anger allows him to brush the damage aside and land a ferocious knee into Krista's six packed stomach. Another knee follows, granting the larger fighter control of the contest. He raises his arms in cocky triumph, which enrages the furiously anti-Lightening Crew Portlanders. COLE Vitamin doing his part to bring the oaoast world tag team titles into the Lightening Crew fold. COACH First Caboose and Some Guy then the OAOAST world tag team championships! The man will have it all, looks, a title, money, smarts, and a smoking hot woman. Bless his soul, he lives the American dream! Sneering towards the crowd, Prince Vitamin applies tightly held front facelock on Kris, then situates her onto the top turnbuckle. Krissy teeters back and forth, sweat staining her forehead, her brain working quickly to figure out how she can beat her challenger. X, of course, is fairly certain that she'll never achieve such a goal, and playfully flashes a DX-esque crotch chop to hammer the point home. Disgusted with X's crude treatment of her life partner, Alix rushes to her rescue! She punches Prince Vitamin in the ribcage and strangely challenges him to gang fight in the streets of Puerto Rico. Though the actual punch was nothing but a minor annoyance to The X Man, it provides Krista with all the distraction she needs to shove her assailant back to the floor. X lands on his sneakers, but struggles mightily to maintain his balance. This moments disorientation grants Krista the time she needs to prepare to strike him with an aerial attack. The roaring audience rises to it's feet, many readying their cameras to capture an image of what should be a jaw dropping move. Krissy shoots herself off the turnbuckle and laces her toned legs around The X Man's neck. He tries his damnedest to rid himself of her unwanted presence, but it's to no avail. She peels backwards and pulls the LC member head over heels with a fabulous hurricanrana! “K-I-D! K-I-D!” sing the audience. The recipient of the fans' love scales to the second turnbuckle, further exciting the highspot lusting crowd. But before she can execute any high risk move, she has be assured her makeup looks acceptable. Thus Krista pulls a Revlon compact mirror out of her top, flips it open, and admires her gorgeous visage for a solid thirty seconds. Krista then chucks the mirror into the stands, leaving the audience members to battle over the precious souvenir. While the crowd argues, Krista rises to her full vertical base, leaps from the posts, and fires herself at her rival. She rotates in midair and drives her full weight onto his chest with an awesome 630 senton. The impressive aerial move claims a cheer from the fans, and Krista, with faux tears of joy filling her eyes, stands up to rake in the ovations as though she's just claimed an Academy Award. As she soaks up the adulation, a dazed X Man rolls onto his front, ready to push himself upright. However, Miss California spots his ascension and immediately nullifies it with a leg drop onto his chin. The X Man holds his face in misery, but refuses to stay grounded and stumbles upright. Problematically, Krissy is no where to be seen. Though she's out of sight, she certainly isn't out of mind, and Prince Vitamin turns in a dazed circle to get a bead on his elusive foe. Unfortunately for him, she reveals her location in a highly disturbing manner. Leaping from her position on the second rope, she sails through the air, latches her legs onto Jock's shoulders, and explodes his skull on the canvas with an inverted hurricanrana. As the audience applauds her latest attack, Krissy leaves her moaning adversary in the middle ring, and strides to the turnbuckle. The crowd screams with anticipation for her next glorious move. She certainly doesn't disappoint them, jumping to the top rope, then corkscrewing back with a majestic moonsault! But to the fans' and Alix's immense dismay, Vitamin X pulls himself out of the way at the last possible second, leaving Krista to hit the mat with devastating impact. She crumbles to her side, screaming as the chilling pain spreads like a cancer throughout her body. “Yeah, Vitamin!” Stacey yells on the outside, slapping the canvas in joyful hysteria. Drawing strength from the fans' support, Krissy tries to get back to her feet, but the pain in her stomach slows her down enough to allow The X Man to prepare for her. The Prince of Vitamins lashes a spinning back fist across her face that knocks her head from side to side and leaves her staggering backwards. Following her trail, he closes his arms around her's in a grip that holds tighter then iron bars. From there he drags her into the sky as if he were going for an underhook suplex, but instead he choses to drop her neck onto his knee with his trademark move The Overdose (Double Arm suplex into a neckbreaker). Krista falls on the mat and is instantly attacked with horrible pain, her spine feeling like it's been carved up by razor blades. The audience is absolutely livid at such a blatant disrespect for Krista's body, and gives a grinning X-Man an earful. “Bringin' home the bacon, baby! Bringin' home the baaacoooooon” He screams, while making the tried and true belt motion around his waist. The talkative superstar then grabs Krista as she's starting to stir and snags the blond bombshell into a front facelock. To X's dismay he encounters spirited resistance from the fitness queen. And for a fleeting moment it appears that she may be able to break free of his clutches. But a quick forearm to her upper back subdues the spirited fighter. The X-Man slings her right arm over his head, takes hold of her short shorts, foists her into the air, then timbers to the canvas, crushing her back with a textbook snap suplex! The effects of the hold barely have time to register in Krista's mind before Boricua illegally reintroduces himself, planting an elbow into the top of her skull! Before the referee can even think of admonishing him, the the tub of goo has already waddled out of the ring, disavowing himself of responsibility for his actions. On the apron, Alix pitches a hissy fit over the LC's tactics to anyone who will listen. But the one person who needs to hear it the most, the referee, is too busy counting the resulting pinfall to listen... ONE TWO Krista escapes the pinfall, thrilling the fans, who were prepared to riot in the case of a Lightening Crew victory. X brings Krista to her feet then hurls her into the cables. Thankfully, she's able to summon enough energy to return to her foe with a crossbody block! But The Prince catches her within his broad wingspan and proceeds to propel her overhead with a fallaway slam! But the femme fatale avoids injurious disaster by landing perfectly on her tennis shoes. She moves with great speed and dashes towards the superstar, who greets her incoming charge with a crazed haymaker. But she ducks below his volley and carries herself to a vacant corner. As camera flashes litter the tightly packed venue, she escalates to the top turnbuckle and slings herself off with a beautiful flying back elbow! Yet the Miami native has enough sense and speed to sidestep the nose-diving Los Angelina. And as an unfortunate result Miss California hits the mat with a massive impact, music to the ears of those in the LC camp. The X Man crawls over to the champion and hooks her legs for a cover. ONE COACH Prince Vitamin! Prince Vitamin is your new oaoast world tag team champion. TWO Krista scrapes her shoulder off the mat, leading Alix and the fans to breathe a sigh of relief. Frustrated with his inability to end the contest, The X Man brings in Boricua to seal the deal. The oafish brawler enters the squared circle and concocts a shrewd double team scheme with his much, much wiser associate. They pick KID up by her arms and send her wobbly legs trotting to the ropes. When she returns the vile tribe enclose their hands around her sleek waist and flip her into the sky. They each take a kneeling position and smile sadistically as the fan favorite endures a terrible stomach first meeting with their knees. Her piercing shrieks degenerate Alix into a nervous wreck and have her calling for the immediate tar and feathering of the Lightening Crew. Boricua pays her threats no mind, mainly because he doesn't know what tar and feathering is, as he covers Miss California for another pinfall. UNO DOS Krista lifts her shoulder up, which elicits a rocking round of “C-O-D” chants. Boricua waddles up and immediately grunts out what can only assume is frustration with the count. But he quickly as problems on all fronts, as Vitamin X is now berating him for tagging himself into the match in the first place, forgetting of course that he's the one responsible for Boricua's presence. As Mister Boricua grunts and snorts a weak defense of his performance, Krissy, rolls beneath the ropes to the ring apron to get a much needed breather. But thanks to Stacey's watchful eye, Boricua is soon made aware of his surly foe's whereabouts. Putting aside X's irrational whining and complaining for the moment, Boricua tracks Kris' location. He grabs her by the back of her skimpy top, and roughly yanks her to her feet. When she reaches her full vertical base, she stuns the daylights out of him by slashing her hand across his onyx colored eyes! The fans come alive with approval as a series of eye rakes decorate his agony riddled face.The shot knocks him blind for a deadly three seconds. And these three seconds are all the Los Angeles native needs to turn the tide of the match to her favor. Using the ring ropes for leverage, she catapults herself at her foe, locking her tanned legs across his neck. As his blindness prevents him from staging a defense, she's able to whirl him like a dervish with a spinning head scissors! A dizzied Borucia is deposited near the Chickies' corner, where his cleared eyes and groggy state cause him to see five Alixs. While that would be a fantasy come true for most people, his misadventure soon turns to a nightmare as Krista comes bounding towards him like a beer guzzling, pill popping, botox injecting bat out of hell! Fortunately for his unit, the monster manages to terminate Krista's charge by grabbing hold of her slender waist and hoisting her into the air for a possible inverted atomic drop! However, Krissy artfully counters this hold, by making a tag with Krista, who's leaning forward as far as her lithe body will allow. The audience lets loose with a gargantuan pop for the California cutie's reentry into this affair! ”ALIX! ALIX! ALIX!” Boricua, ever the observant one, is led to believe that something is amiss from the swell of crowd noise. His fears are obviously confirmed, when a pair of expensive Adidass slam into his lower back, pushing him forward a mere two centimeters. Bothered, but not actually hurt by the springboard dropkick, Boricua turns his oversized body around to use it as a weapon to annihilate whatever mosquito landed on his back. Much to his surprise the source of his frustration isn't a mosquito at all. It's a beautiful tanned brunette who flashes him a sickeningly sweet smile. Despite having what Krista has called, without exaggeration, the worst singing voice known to man, Ally belts out a tune in hopes of getting Boricua to join along and not crush her into pixie dust. “Put on the skillet, slip on the lid, Mama's gonna make a little short'nin' bread. That ain't all she's gonna do, Mama's gonna make a little coffee, too.” Alix broadens her smile when she notices a confused expression on Boricua. Well, more confused then usual, I should say. So Ally requests and receives a microphone in order to enlist the audience's help in getting Boricua to join her in song “COME ON, PORTLAND, WE GOTTA ROCK THIS BITCH OUT!” A great portion audience joins Ally's song, a the irritated Vitamin and Krista wonder if it would be appropriate to do a double turn on their partners. “Three little children, lyin' in bed Two were sick and the other 'most dead Sent for the doctor and the doctor said, "Give those children some short'nin' bread." Happiness gathers into a cloud so thick in Boricua mind that he appears to forget all about the insignificant business of winning the oaoast tag team titles, and decides to devote his time to song, “Mama's little baby loves short'nin', short'nin',Mama's little baby loves short'nin' bread, Mama's little baby loves short'nin', short'nin', Mama's little baby loves short'nin' bread!” Ally and the audience sing, “When those children, sick in bed, Heard that talk about short'nin' bread, Popped up well to dance and sing, Skipped around and cut the pigeon wing.” Boricua's heart is moved and his voice continues to belt the good word, “Mama's little baby loves short'nin', short'nin',Mama's little baby loves short'nin' bread. Mama's little baby loves short'nin', short'nin', Mama's little baby loves short'nin' bread.” And so, he earns the dubious distinction of being the first man to ever be eliminated from a match through the power of song. COLE I...I...I..I love that song! Mama's little baby loves short'nin, short'nin'... A mixture of enraged, humiliated, and utterly dumbfounded, Vitamin X has little choice but to enter the ring and try his hand at securing the world tag team titles for his squad. Unfortunately the moment his feet step into the ring, they, along with the rest of his body, are floored with spinning back kick from Ally Cat. Owing to his great endurance, X is able to get back on his feet rather quickly. But his achievements end there, as Alix drops him back to the canvas with her True Life: I just got beat up by a girl(STO). “YEAAAAAAAAA!” COLE Where is your Prince now, Coach? To celebrate her signature attack, Alix proceeds to channel the spirit of John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever and does the Hustle. Performing it as well as you can expect a twenty eight year old white woman to, she screams. “Go girl, go girl, uh huh, Al-ix, Al-ix, get ya groove on, get ya groove on.” The X Man unsteadily scoops his body off the mat, only to have several of his teeth loosened by a thunderous spinning wheel kick from one Ally Maria Spezia. She carries forward her onslaught, picking him up by his finely gelled hair, and throwing the over matched pugilist to the corner. His back impacts gruesomely with the poorly padded posts. Then fis front is cursed with a equal amount of pain when his ditzy rival sacrifices her body in a cannonball into his chest. The problems continue to mount, as Krista charges forward and uses his chest as launching pad for a backflip. Besieged by exhaustion from the attack, poor Vitamin sinks to his BUTT, trying to catch his breath. There will be no reprieve, however, for Krista stands atop his shoulders, cruelly trying to leave her shoe imprint on his overpriced clothing. His fine jersey becomes the least of his worries, thanks to Alix zipping forward and torpedoing her shoulder into his unprotected face. As she rolls away, Miss California does one final bit of damage to his now bloodied face by dismounting his shoulders and driving a dropkick into his visage! Howling in pure agony, and screaming for his singing partner to cease his foolishness, X rolls his corpse to the center of the squared circle. This, unfortunately, puts in perfect position for the greatest double team of all time. The girls take the viewers back to 1990, by busting out the famous Kid N Play kick step routine. Their flashy footwear joins together, then suddenly separates, only to return to a similar embrace seconds later. As the joust like footwork continues, the duo giddily spin in place, playfully meeting their heels, while their arms slink in the air to an imaginary urban beat. Once their journey through yesterday's urban dance crazes complete, Melissa Ethridge's favorite wrestlers pummel X with double leg drops! “C-O-D! C-O-D! C-O-D!” The girls then preform the COD super secret handshake which is not a handshake at all, but rather Alix tosseling Krista's hair, and Kris complaining that she works too hard on this hair for Alix to come in fuck it up three seconds. Elsewhere, Vitamin X is upright, the immense pain clogging his mind, making self preservation his lone objective. Unfortunately that mission is a spectacular failure, as Ally takes him for a vomit inducing merry-go-round like ride with the Sucker Free tornado DDT. Fortunately for him, he succeeds in shoving Alix to the wayside. However, he can do nothing about Krissy who punishes him with a high knee lift. His face violently snaps off her limb, adding a throbbing headache to his ever expanding list of maladies. However, he summons the strength to lash out at Krista with discus punch. The blow only catches her on the shoulder, but stuns her enough to allow The X Man to dropkick her aside. Not wishing to afford her single moment to recover, Prince Vitamin leaps onto the second rope for an asai moonsault. Yet he's unable to properly dismount the cables, thanks to The Hollywood Bad Girl joining him at his side. She hooks her arm around his shoulder, and intertwines her leg between his, before plummeting backwards with a springboard side Russian leg sweep. As the audience sings their approval, the oaoast's Betty Crocker covers him for a fall. CROWD ONE! CROWD TWO! CROWD THREE! However, Boricua returns from whatever mental shangri-la he was residing in to break up the count! “BOOOOOOOO!” Mister Boricua pays the hateful crowd reaction little mind, as he drags her upright. He then sends Miss California on a path to the turnbuckles. Her back eats the brunt the anguishing impact, leaving her momentarily stunned. Boricua eyes her weakened state, and drool creeps out of the corner of his mouth as he salivates over the prospects of ending her short career. Zeroing in on his target, he makes a mad dash to her, seeking to impale her with a fierce shoulder block. But the only thing that's getting impaled around here is his shoulder by the treacherous steel of the ring post, as Miss California dodged his attack at the last possible moment! “YEAAAAA!” Krissy pauses to admire her gruesome handiwork. This moment of arrogance proves fatal, however, as The X Man creeps behind her and puts her on the canvas with an inverted DDT. A pinfall follows the unexpected attack. ONE TWO Krista kicks out with fierce authority, bringing forth screams of pleasure from those in the stands! As the audience bleats her name, an energetic Krista kips up, increasing the volume of the chants. Problematically she has now to deal with two members of The Lightening Crew, as a recovered Mister Boricua tries to cover for his earlier follies by taking her head off with a running palm strike. However the fitness queen ducks the incoming attack, and the gigantic hand goes careening into a now standing Vitamin's visage! While the fans cheer the error, Princess Stacey nearly has a heart attack over the crass boorishness on display by The Puerto Rican's bodyguard. Back in the ring, Mister Boricua exhibits the classic Steve Urkel “Did I do that?” expression at the sight of his fallen leader. His look soon turns to one of telling pain, as Alix levels him with a beautiful pele kick that connects with surgical precession on the top of his hairless skull! COLE The move looked painful, but how much did it really hurt Mister Boricua? The correct answer would be not very, as the bumbling lackey looks ready to smoke Alix into next year for the grief she's caused him and his squadron. However this plan doesn't quite come to fruition, as Krista saves her girlfriend with a drop toe hold! Problematically, her thin ankles do absolutely nothing to move the inelegant creature downwards. In fact the hold only serves to further outrage him. He isn't granted the opportunity to act on this rage, thanks to Alix quickly spring boarding off the ropes and horsewhipping him with a crowd dazzling enziguri! This succeeds in chopping down the mighty redwood, who timbers to the canvas with such amazing force that the entire building seems to shake as a result. Forgetting Boricua for the moment, Alix bows like a French court dancer to Krista who graciously claps like Marie Antoinette witnessing a beautiful German opera. But their imitation of 18th century Versailles comes to a violent halt, when The X Man derails Alix with a shoulder tackle! COACH The Prince ain't done yet! No he certainly is not, as Krista discovers when he rifles a parade of lightening (pun?) fast kicks into her knees. After the sixth kick comes to a close, Vitamin X attaches Krista into a front facelock, then quickly moves her backwards with a snap suplex. Within seconds he floats over for a pivotal cover... ONE TWO Krista kicks out, and the usual shouts of happiness are heard from the sold out crowd. X doesn't quite partake in their enthusiasm for his failure, and hauls Krista upright where he returns to targeting a series of kicks towards her legs. Annoyed by having her body treated like a workout bag, Krista ends the charade altogether by whipping the superstar into the ropes. She lowers her head as The X Man returns from the cables, but the man leapfrogs the champ and lands behind her. He twirls around to knock her head into the third row with a discus punch, but Krissy counters the strike by stunning him with an inverted atomic drop! The Prince clutches his arm, and screams in white hot pain, as the crowd hoots and hollers over his misery. Their soon given even more to cheer about as Krista winds up and annihilates his nose with a superkick! COLE That entire sequence, starting with the Irish whip and ending with the super kick, is called Krista's Great California Adventure. Eyes rolled into the back of his head, The X Man topples himself into a full nelson by Alix. She wraps her leg around his, then slings his entire body forward imprinting his facial features on the canvas with her finisher You Have Died of Dysentery (full nelson face crusher)! “YEAAAAAAA!” Vitamin X lies a shredded heap on the mat, unable to think past the pulsating wave of pain in his battered face. Fortunately for him, all he has left to do in this match is lie perfectly still while Alix makes the final pinfall. CROWD ONE CROWD TWO CROWD THREE! But, Mister Boricua returns to the battleground with a body splash aimed directly at the pinning champion! Fortunately, Krista rescues Alix from several months of intense physical therapy by pulling her out of the way. This of course causes Mister Boricua to crush his partner into pieces, much to the spectators' great glee. Nary a peep leaves X's motor mouth as all the life has been splashed from him by his brainless partner. With a shrug of her shoulder, Ally sits atop Boricua for an unusual pinfall... CROWD ONE CROWD TWO CROWD THREE! Grinning at the favorable result, Maggie rises from her chair to make it official. MAGGIE The winner and still oaoast world tag team champions....say it with me now..... COACH (in Maggie's voice) Ooooh, Coach, I wanna jump yo mammoth balls. MAGGIE & THE CROWD CHICKS OVER DICKS!! And with that final announcement so erupts a monstrous outpouring of cheers and applause for the oaoast's two favorite ladies, the victorious, Chicks Over Dicks. Were The X Man not smothered under three hundred pounds of flab, we might here his cry of “SON OF A BITCH”, but all we hear are the wild cheers of the fans and the playing of Girlfriend. Despite not being particularly bad shape, Alix decides to fall into Krista's arms anyway, feigning exhaustion. This leads Krissy to ruefully comment that Alix isn't quite as light as a bulimic is supposed to be. COLE A very tough title defense for America's Sweethearts, but it gets even harder next week, as they'll have to defend their belts in their hometown of Los Angeles, California in a tag team battle royal! The girls have had two tag title contests in their hometown and have lost them both, so there's no home field advantage in that match. Also involved in this star studded affair are The Beverly Hills Blonds, The Lonestar Gunslingers, The Heavenly Rockers, NRG, The South Central Militia, and many more. I've even heard that Craig Patrick Allen of The Enterprise will be there, but who his partner is remains to be seen. Rumor has it that Theodore Moneymaker used his clout as a primary TSM investor to get this match created. Again it's just a rumor, but it wouldn't surprise me if it was his way of getting at Chicks Over Dicks. Chicks Over Dicks have left the ring, leaving Vitamin X and Mr. Boricua all by their lonesome. VX is slow to get up, holding his bloody nose while doing so. Once he gets to a vertical base, Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend" is replaced by a familar tune. "Cochise" by Audioslave! "YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" COLE Hey! Hey! He's here! He's really here! Vitamin X can't believe it. Mr. Boricua responds by grunting really loud as usual. The entrance doors slide open, and Caboose himself walks out, in his street clothes and carrying a microphone in his right hand. And he doesn't look to be in a pleasant mood. COLE Caboose is here! We haven't seen or heard from him since AngleMania two weeks ago! COACH Why is he here? Vitamin X destroyed him at AngleMania VI! COLE You should know that it's going to take alot more than one loss to put Caboose down for good! Caboose stands on the entrance stage and stares at Vitamin X. X returns the stare with the McMahon SNEER~! "Cochise" by Audioslave dies down. The crowd buzzes in anticipation of what Caboose is going to say. COLE These fans are waiting with baited breath. They want to hear Caboose speak his mind like he always does! CABOOSE Vitamin X... "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" CABOOSE You know, I don't really understand why you fans boo him! The crowd is confused by this. And so is X. CABOOSE I mean, as hard as it is for me to say...Vitamin X...did....pretty good at AngleMania VI two weeks ago! COLE What? COACH Good to see him recognize! Vitamin X cracks a half-smile, still a little leery of what Caboose is doing. CABOOSE Yeah, you did a pretty good job, beating me and Some Guy. I mean, sure, I've only wrestled like once or twice since I've returned, and my partner hadn't wrestled since 2005, but yeah, you did pretty good. Pretty damn good, X! The crowd cheers. Vitamin X doesn't take too kindly to what Caboose is saying. CABOOSE And I mean, sure, you had to kick me in the GROIN to get the pinfall...but other than that...thumbs up, young Prince Vitamin! Caboose throws up a cheesy thumbs up and smile at Vitamin X. Vitamin X mouths, "Washed up." COLE Nice passive aggressive taunting from Caboose! COACH I HATE when people do that! CABOOSE And I've just seen you lose to Chicks Over Dicks. Wow, your career sure has skyrocketed since you beat me! You no longer choke under pressure in big time matches...oh wait. Vitamin X is FUMING~! Mr. Boricua yells at Caboose. X calls for a microphone NOW! VITAMIN X WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT, OLD MAN!? COACH Yeah! CABOOSE Old? Son, I'm two years younger than you, and yet I've done more in just my first two years in the OAOAST then you've done in your four years in the OAOAST! COLE Can't argue with the facts. COACH Shut up. CABOOSE Still, you did amazing at AngleMania, and you did the impossible: you managed to look even GAYER than you usually do! That jersey you wore? What the hell, man? COACH Oh gay jokes. REAL mature! NOT! Vitamin X's face is red. VITAMIN X Listen here, Caboose! Are you gonna stand there and crack jokes all day? Or do you actually have a reason to be out here!? CABOOSE In fact I do, Prince Vitamin. See, everybody thought that AngleMania VI was the last time you would see Caboose in the squared circle. While it's true that Some Guy has decided to take another vacation from the ring...your ol' friend Caboose is going to be staying for a little while longer! "YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" CABOOSE And since I'm staying in the OAOAST, I think it would make sense to keep my eye on you, Vitamin X! Now, we all know how well you do against me when you have two men backing you up. But how well can you handle me on your own? How well can you handle a former two-time OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion? How well can you handle a former OAOAST World Tag Team Champion? And how well can you handle HeldDOWN~!'s best announcer ever, screw you Coach!? COACH Hey! CABOOSE Fact is, X-Man, if I could get you one-on-one in a ring, I'm pretty sure I could beat you 1-2-3-- VITAMIN X NO YOU COULDN'T! YOU CAN NEVER BEAT ME! AND YOU WILL NEVER BEAT ME! NEVER! NEVER! NEVER! I AM BETTER THAN YOU, CABOOSE! I AM THAT MUCH BETTER THAN YOU! CABOOSE Then prove it! Step up and prove you're a man! Vitamin X, I am challenging you to a match, one-on-one, in three weeks at OAOAST Syndicated! For the first time...for the last time...for the only time! COLE Whoa! Caboose just threw down the punk card! CABOOSE And by the way, we're going to do the match my way. The Lightning Crew will be banned from ringside. AND...it will be a NO HOLDS BARRED FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE MATCH! COACH No! He can't accept that! COLE Why not? Can't Vitamin X handle Caboose on his own!? COACH Because...oh...uh... COLE Hush up, fool~! Vitamin X is a little worry with these stipulations. He looks at Mr. Boricua, who just yells and snorts. VX thinks this over. "X'S A PUSS-SEE!" *CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP* "X'S A PUSS-SEE!" *CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP* "X'S A PUSS-SEE!" *CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP* "X'S A PUSS-SEE!" *CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP* COACH HE IS NOT! COLE He might be if he doesn't accept this match! Vitamin X quickly thinks this over. VX SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! I am not NOT a pussy! CABOOSE You want me so bad? Well you can have me. But you're going to do it MY way! And if you do things MY way, X, you WILL get hurt! VITAMIN X Caboose...I hate you with every fiber of my being! So, it will be a pleasure to put you out of your misery in three weeks at OAOAST Syndicated. YOU'RE ON! COLE Yes! Caboose vs. Vitamin X at OAOAST Syndicated for the first time ever! COACH And the last time ever after Vitamin X gets done with him! CABOOSE Great. Glad to hear you accept. I'll see you in three weeks at Syndicated! VITAMIN X I'll see you in St. Louis, old man! Caboose leaves, but then changes his mind. CABOOSE On second thought...why wait until Syndicated? Let's start this thing early! "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Caboose drops his microphone and runs down the entrance ramp, sliding into the ring and immediatley brawling with Vitamin X! COLE And here we go! They're picking up right where they left off at AngleMania! Caboose and Vitamin X slug it out in the center of the ring. And soon, it becomes quite obvious that 'boose has the advantage. He hits The X-Man with right jabs again! And again! And again! And again! Mr. Boricua has had enough of this and attacks Caboose, thereby allowing Vitamin X the chance to escape from the ring! COLE Damn it! He's ran away again! COACH He's just saving his energy for OAOAST Syndicated! That's all! COLE Vitamin X wants none of Caboose, but he'll get all of him at OAOAST Syndicated, and The Lightning Crew won't be able to help him this time! Mr. Boricua hammers away at the OAOAST Original, but 'boose fights back up, hitting the big man with right hands that daze and confuse Boricua, bringing the crowd back to life! 'boose slides underneath the bottom rope and jumps over the barricade, grabbing Vitamin X from behind and beating him as he tries to escape! COLE They're going at it! They're fighting in the crowd! COACH AAH! Get The Prince away from those peasants! Caboose punches Vitamin X silly, holding him by his football jersey to prevent him from falling! Princess Stacey can only watch in horror as her man gets beaten to an even bloodier pulp by Caboose! COACH Stop him, security! Make him stop! COLE Caboose is just giving Vitamin X a preview of what to expect in three weeks on OAOAST Syndicated! COACH No he isn't! Vitamin X will kill the legend of Caboose on OAOAST Syndicated! No matter how far Vitamin X runs, Caboose is right behind him and beating him up! VX climbs the stairs, with Caboose punching him in the back every few seconds! COLE What a HUGE match-up for OAOAST Syndicated in three weeks! Caboose vs. Vitamin X in a No Holds Barred Falls Count Anywhere Match with The Lightning Crew barred from ringside! First Time...Last Time...Only Time! What a tremendous match that's going to be! But that's all for now fans! We're outta time! See you next week in Los Angeles for another jam-packed edition of OAOAST HeldDOWN~! Until then, goodnight everybody! Vitamin X has ran up the steps, but trips, allowing Caboose the chance to pummel him some more. VX, a terrified look on his face, runs towards the food court in the arena with Caboose STILL punching him in the back. This is the last image we see before we fade to black. Fade to black

The lights go down in the arena. A Puerto Rican flag appears on the AngleTron. In big white blocky letters, the following words appear on the screen, with Tha Puerto Rican saying them: *THE CHAMP IS HERE!* With that, a lightning bolt hits the entrance, the PRL entrance video plays on the AngleTron, and "Know Your Role '99" begins playing, with the crowd standing up and booing. PR is heard saying, "THE CHAMP IS HERE!" throughout the song, while smoke fills the entryway and strobe lights appear on the entrance set. A few seconds elapsed, and out from the curtains and through the smoke come the OAOAST X-Division Champion Tha Puerto Rican, the OAOAST Women's Champion Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez and PRL's manager and "Career Consultant" Stephen Joseph Popick. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" COACH The X-CHAMP IS HERE! COLE The new X-Division Champion set for tag team action here on HeldDOWN~! and... I don't see a partner. You don't think he'll be teaming with Lindsay do you Coach? COACH He could do worse than the Women's Champion. PR looks at the crowd in disgust, jawing with some fans. He looks at Popick, and the two of them begin their walk down the entrance ramp. Chants of "P.R. SUCKS!" fill the arena as PRL and Popick continue their walk to the ring. BUFFER The following tag team contest is scheduled for one fall! On the way to the ring, being accompanied by STEPHEN JOSEPH POPICK and the OAOAST Women's Champion, MS. LINDSAY GONZALEZ! From San Juan, Puerto Rico... he weighs in tonight at two hundred and twenty pounds. He is the new OAOAST X-Division Champion of the WORLD... THA PPUUUEEEERRRRRTTOOOOOOOOOO RRRIIIIIIICCAAAAAAAAAANN!!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Tha Puerto Rican gets on the ring apron and sneers at the crowd. Popick holds the ropes, and Tha Puerto Rican enters the ring. He spins around, soaking in the fans boos while "Know Your Role '99" continues playing over the P.A. system. Tha Puerto Rican does the HBK muscle pose while pyro goes off behind him. The crowd is still booing loudly and chanting "P.R. SUCKS!" PRL heads to a second turnbuckle and raises his hands. He then heads to another second turnbuckle, patting his X-Division Title belt before he raises his hands again. PR hits a third second turnbuckle, and raises his right arm in the air and "smells the electricity" a'la The Rock. PRL does the same Rock pose on the fourth second turnbuckle, recieving boos. COACH Man, how great is it to see PRL with gold around his waist once again? COLE It certainly makes that darn catchphrase of his less redundant. Although, it seems normal service was resumed earlier tonight when PRL refused to grant Dance Dance Dragon a title-shot now that he's the champion. COACH You heard what he said, Dragon doesn't deserve a rematch so he's not getting one. Tha Puerto Rican gets off the ropes, removes his sunglasses and earring, and chats with Popick while the lights go back on in the arena. "Know Your Role '99" dies down as a deep, slow voiced man yells out, "LIGHTNING CREW!" and the opening to "No Chance In Hell" starts up as the crowd stands up and boos. BUFFER And, his partner... The AngleTron shows a picture of Cuban Wall posing in front of a Cuban flag with CUBAN WALL written to the right side of the screen in big white blocky letters. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COACH HA HA! Yes, the Champs are ALL Here! Strobe lights appear on the entrance set, while smoke fills the entryway. The crescendo hits, and "No Chance In Hell" by Bradley Royds begins playing. A few seconds later, Cuban Wall comes out to loud boos. Cuban Wall looks at the crowd and pumps his right fist into the air, with his 24/7 Champion draped over that same shoulder, then proceeds to walk to the ring, his eyes focused soley on it, with a serious expression on his face. In the ring, PRL applauds his partner BUFFER Hailing from Havana, Cuba! He weighs in tonight at two hundred and eight five pounds... the new OAOAST 24/7 Champion... THE CCUUUUUBBAAAAAAAAAAAANN WWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Wall shadow boxes a little bit, and then enters the ring over the top rope. Wall nods over at PRL as he walks to the hard camera side of the ring and does The Lightning Crew Salute. Wall jaws with a few of the fans as "No Chance In Hell" fades, PRL joining in on the abuse of the fans. COLE Well, we've got the X-Division Champion and the 24/7 Champion, by any accounts a formidable team. But considering both these men are part of the Lightning Crew and are used to working with each other, this looks like bad news for Dance Dance Dragon and his partner. "Time goes by, so slowly Time goes by, so slowly Time goes by, so slowly..." As PRL and Wall stand tall with their titles, not to mention Lindsay in the background, the clock begins to tick down as "Hung Up" by Madonna begins to play. A DDR stage hollogram shines down across the stage as the song kicks up a gear, the strobes go into overdrive, illuminating The Dance Dance Dragon! Dragon and his scantily-clad backing dancers proceed to break it down in Portland as the crowd go wild! BUFFER And, their opponents! First, hailing from Heaven's Dancefloor! He weighs in at one hundred, ninety nine pounds... "THE STRONG STYLE PARTY ANIMAL"... DANCE! DANCE! DDRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAGGOOOOOOOOOONN!!! "YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Dragon continues to dance down the aisle until he reaches the end of the rampway. Upon seeing the two Lightning Crew members he decides to wait it out until he's got some back-up, despite PRL's taunts as he hangs the X-Title over the ropes trying to entice DDD into the ring early. COACH I bet whoever got coaxed into teaming with Dragon is re-thinking their decision right now. COLE Well Dragon didn't have a whole lot of time to find a partner, but then again you don't have to travel too far down these halls to find one of PRL's enemies. The arena grows silent now, anticipating the partner... *BbwWbAhmotherfuckerLlIiiBbbEErRrAATtTeeyYyOUUurRrMmmMmMiIInNnDddDd!!* "YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" COLE Oh, MY! ...and they promptly ERUPT as "Liberate" by Disturbed powers out through the Rose Garden Arena! The doors part again and through them marches Bohemoth, striding down the aisle with a glare shining through his orange tinted sunglasses. Cuban Wall growls at seeing the man he took the 24/7 Championship from as beside him, PRL's jaw DROPS! BUFFER And, on his way to the ring is his partner! Hailing from Greenville, South Carolina and weighing two hundred and eighty four pounds... "THE METEROSEXUAL MONSTER"... BBOOOOOOOOOOOO - HHHHEEEEEEEEEMMOOOOOOOOOTTHHHHHHH!!!! "YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Making light work of the aisleway, Bohemoth jogs up the ring steps and pulls off his trusty orange shades. PRL quickly scuttles out of the ring, taking Popick and Lindsay with him, while Cuban Wall follows a little slowly after them. Bo marches across the ring and pulls his shades off as he locks eyes with Wall, Dragon joining his partner in the ring now. COLE Man, what a coup from The Dance Dance Dragon! Bohemoth, the man who was robbed of both the Money In The Bank Battle Royal and the 24/7 Championship at AngleMania by Cuban Wall, having eliminated Wall himself. And you've got to figure Bo will be fired up for this one. COACH Now, how the hell did Dragon get Bohemoth as his partner!? COLE I doubt he had much of a say in the matter actually. COACH Well duh, he doesn't speak! COLE That's not what I meant... but, yeah. Regrouping the troops, PRL calls a quick team conference as Bohemoth tells his partner in no uncertain terms that he'll be starting the match. Dragon seems content with that and seeing that The Meterosexual Monster is starting, PRL pats the 24/7 Champion on the back and tells his man to 'go get him!' *DINGDINGDING!* Wall walks up the steps as Bohemoth has to be held back by referee Nick Patrick. Not looking intimidated Wall climbs in over the top rope and jaws at Bo, who breaks away from Patrick and squares up to the man who took his title. Eventually, Wall says one word too many and eats a right hand! Wall retaliates, but then so does Bo... and before you know it, it's breaking down, Bohemoth and Wall slugging it out in the centre of the ring right hand for right hand! "BO - HE - MOTH!" "BO - HE - MOTH!" "BO - HE - MOTH!" "BO - HE - MOTH!" Landing a couple of big soupbones, Wall manages to get the better of the exchange and goes to whip Bohemoth to the ropes. But it's revered and it's Wall who hits the ropes, barging back into Bo with a shoulder tackle... and nobody moves! COLE These two men very evenly matched. The two bigmen square up again for a second before Wall makes for the ropes again, hitting another shoulder block. Again neither man goes down. But just as it looks like the big Cuban will try for a third time, he suckers Bohemoth with a soupbone of a right hand and instead sends him for the ride. Underneath a clothesline goes Bohemoth though, building up some speed as he tackles Wall and knocks him down with a shoulder block! "YYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!" Scooping Wall right back up, Bo delivers another right hand! And again! Turning on his heels, The Meterosexual Monster now hits the ropes and builds up another head of steam. This time though he gets beaten to the punch, as Cuban Wall raises a big right boot and catches Bo right on the BUTT of the jaw! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" PRL screams at Wall to make the cover, which he does on his leader's say-so... 1... 2... Kickout. Wall now helps Bo back up and begins to lead him over to the Lightning Crew corner in order to tag PRL in. However, the X-Division Champion quickly tells Wall that he's doing a good enough job himself and not to make the tag *just yet*. Wink wink. So Wall follows orders again and turns Bohemoth back around, pulling Bo forward into a Short Arm Clothesline. COLE PRL, not too eager to get into the match it would seem. COACH Ah ah, let's not start with that. It's simple tag team tactics, you keep the bigman in against the bigman at the start of the match and let him wear the opponent down, then you bring the smaller half of the team in later. Don't go implying things here. Measuring Bo, Wall drives the flat of his boot into the back of his head as he tries to get up. A second stomp finds the mark. And then a third, Wall looking pretty good now as he leads Bohemoth to his feet. Wall pulls back and delivers a big headbutt before locking on a front facelock. But Bo suddenly drives forward and charges Cuban Wall all the way back into his corner, where Dance Dance Dragon makes a blind tag. Bohemoth doesn't seem to notice, driving in with his shoulder a couple more times before he's finally told to leave the ring by the referee, while DDD lines up on Wall... *SLAP!* "WHOOOOOOOO!" ...and connects with a knifedge chop! *SLAP!* "WHOOOOOOOO!" ...and a second, Wall absorbing the strikes seemingly. The Strong Style Party Animal keeps on the attack with a couple of forearms, until Wall shoves him away, prompting Dragon to hit the ropes. But as he sprints back, Wall throws out a hand and grabs Triple D around the throat with a mighty hand! COACH Alright, BIG Chokeslam coming... ...or not, as Dragon suddenly punts Wall in the kneecap, sending the bigman hobbling away into a neutral corner! Dragon follows in after him and dives, landing a big forearm strike in the corner! The 285 pounder shakes it off as he comes out of the corner, DDD waiting on him and leaping him with an attempted DDT. Attempted being the operative word as Wall catches Dragon over his shoulder, walking him into the centre of the ring before simply throwing him up in the air and letting him flapjack down to the canvas!! "OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" COLE Wow. Almost effortless from the 24/7 Champion. COACH I wonder how Bohemoth feels about Dragon tagging himself in, huh? Wall stalks over DDD, alerted by signals from his corner. This time, PRL's demands are pretty simple. He wants the tag. And he GETS it, to the expected reaction. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE And of course NOW PRL wants in, now that he's got an opponent prone, now that Bohemoth is out of the ring. PRL waltzes into the ring and starts to go to town on the fallen Dragon, stomping away with his shaky leg kicks all over the body of The Masked Dance Assassin. Kick after kick, until referee Nick Patrick moves in to stop PRL, who is all fired up~! "P - R SUCKS!" "P - R SUCKS!" "P - R SUCKS!" "P - R SUCKS!" Pulling Dragon to his feet PRL leads him to the ropes and executes an irish whip, sending DDD for the ride. On the rebound PRL leapfrogs up and over, waiting on the rebound before reverse leapfrogging up and over, almost showing off now as he sweeps Dragon over with the arm drag as he comes back again. PRL jumps right back to his feet and "smells the electricity" as the Portland crowd continue to get on his case. COACH Man, PR looking so crisp! That's what being the Champion does for you, gives you all the confidence in the world. COLE As if PRL needed any more confidence to begin with. Not letting up on Dragon as he comes to his feet, PRL follows Dragon into the ropes and lands with a right hand. Another. Another. Spits on the hand... and connects with the final punch, staggering Triple D. The ropes ease Dragon out towards the centre of the ring, PRL landing a quick kick to the gut to set Dragon up before making for the ropes, speeding back and executing a Swinging Neckbreaker dead centre in the middle of the ring. The perfect position it would seem, as Tha Puerto Rican jogs to the ropes, coming to a stop next to DDD and dusting off his shoulder, before dropping the fist right in the middle of the eye portal!! COACH Five Knuckle Shuffle! COLE That's some X-Division action for ya! COACH Hey, show some respect for that devestating move! PRL quickly hooks the leg on Dragon... 1... 2... No! COLE Well Tha Puerto Rican knows well enough after AngleMania, Dragon's not going to go down easily. Unfortunately for PRL, he hasn't got any boxing personalities around tonight to hand him weapons. COACH No, but Popick's here... COLE ... COACH ...I mean... uhm... COLE Exactly. PRL begins to pull Dragon up and suddenly locks eyes with Bohemoth, which seems to throw him for a second. That gives Dragon the opportunity to fight back with some forearms deep to the breadbasket. PRL fires down with some shots to calm DDD down though, before lifting him up and rattling him with a European Uppercut! And a second European! Tha Puerto Rican then executes a quick and simple vertical suplex, putting Dragon in place for a more conventional Fist Drop than his last. 1... 2... Kickout! Popping right back up, PRL drops a second fist and tries again... 1... 2... Kickout! And a third time the fist comes down, the leg hooked tight... 1... 2... Another kickout! PRL DAMN IT REFEREE!! "P - R SUCKS!" "P - R SUCKS!" "P - R SUCKS!" "P - R SUCKS!" Getting on the referee's case isn't the wisest move PRL could make right now and he forgets all about Dragon as he lectures him on his count. It's only when Lindsey convinces him to turn around that he sees Dragon making for his corner, capturing his trailing ankle just in time to cut off the tag. A confident smirk creeps over PRL's face as he holds Dragon away from the tag, talking down to the perennial underdog. But you don't earn the label of 'perennial underdog' without some fighting spirit, Dragon exhibiting that as he hops up onto one foot... *SMACK!* ...and NAILS Tha Puerto Rican with an Enziguri! PRL Flair Flops to the canvas, letting go of the ankle as Dragon makes a sudden spurt AND MAKES THE TAG! "YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!" In comes Bohemoth as PRL staggers up from his facedown position on the canvas. And the moment he sees Bohemoth stalking towards him, the X-Division Champion jumps out of his skin like a cat spotting it's own reflection in a mirror and ZIPS across the ring to tag in Cuban Wall!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" COLE Oh, come ON! What was that!? COACH Okay, maybe PR is a little reluctant to wrestle Bohemoth right now... COLE A little reluctant!? He just RAN AWAY the moment Bo got near him!! The crowd get on PRL's back on the outside as he complains of a 'pulled muscle' and gets his fiancee to tend to him. All this is a minor distraction as Cuban Wall comes back into the match and again begins to throw the heavy leather with Bohemoth, right back to where we started as the two bigmen exchange right hands! Bohemoth has the adrenaline rush this time and beats Wall back against the ropes, whipping him across the ring. Back bounces Wall and Bohemoth BACKDROPS THE 285 POUNDER to everybody's shock!! COLE WOW! Wall climbs up clutching his back and suddenly for the first time Wall isn't quite so forthcoming. Bo is though and delivers a hard right hand before looking to send Wall to the ropes again. A reversal this time though sends Bohemoth to the ropes... ...and to a stumbling halt, AS PRL GRABS HIS ANKLE FROM THE OUTSIDE!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Breathing a sigh of relief, PRL pats Popick on the shoulder, before turning around... to see Bohemoth GLARING at him! PRL OH DEAR GOD... *WHAM!* Luckily for PRL, Wall saves him as he levels Bohemoth from behind with a knee just as he begins to exit the ring after him. Wall then pulls Bo away from the ropes and grabs him by the throat. He pauses for a second however, as a sudden blur of black comes flying past him, courtesy of The Dance Dance Dragon, soaring through the ropes AND WIPING OUT BOTH PRL AND POPICK WITH A TOPÉ!!! "YYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" COLE Dragons can fly! As the heap of bodies crash to the floor though, the crowd's attentions turn to the ring, as Cuban Wall still has Bohemoth by the throat. And as he grabs the tights, it's a noticeable repeat of AngleMania, as he PLANTS Bohemoth with the Chokeslam! COACH YES! Wall got him, that's what won him the 24/7 Title! COLE That and a chair, yeah... Wall drops down and hooks the leg... 1... 2... NO, KICKOUT!! "YYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!" COLE ...but it WON'T win him the match tonight, not yet at least! Fuming, Wall brings Bohemoth right back up into the goozle again and gives the signal for a second Chokeslam! However Wall doesn't notice Dance Dance Dragon appearing back into view, scaling the turnbuckles and launching off the top with a Missile Dropkick to save his partner! Wall doesn't go down from the dropkick. But he does free Bohemoth, allowing The Meterosexual Monster to charge forward and MOW Wall down with the MURDERLINE~! "YYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!" COLE What a clothesline! He just took The Cuban Wall down with one big arm! COACH The referee has lost all control, he needs to get one of these two out of the ring! Bohemoth, for example. COLE Yeah, because otherwise it's two on one, because PRL's not coming back in if Bohemoth is in. COACH That's not why I said it! The referee isn't needed however as Bohemoth shoo's his partner away and takes over on Wall himself. An irish whip sends Wall across the ring into a neutral corner, Bo following in and crushing the Cuban in the corner with a big Clothesline! Out staggers Wall, scooped up impressively onto the shoulder of Bohemoth, who turns to the centre of the ring ready for a big Running Powerslam. However, as Bo begins the running he loses Wall, the bigman able to slide down off the back and land on his feet. Bohemoth slams on the brakes and turns around, taking a boot to the gut from Wall and getting pulled in ready for a Powerbomb! But that won't be happening either, as Bohemoth backbody drops his way out of it! Wall climbs up and it degenerates again, as Bohemoth and Cuban Wall instantly go back to trading heavy right hands. "BO!" "BO!" "BO!" "BO!" As the bigman go at it, referee Nick Patrick is desperately waving his hands, trying to get noticed as he hopes to get them to stop with the closed fists. Good luck with that though. In the background meanwhile, Dragon watches on, waiting for a chance to get involved. But the chance isn't coming, as Bo and Wall continue to go punch for punch. Bo! Wall! Bo! Wall! Bo! Wall! Bo! Wall! Bo... ...NO! Bohemoth stops short as his elbow encounters some resistance, in the form of poor Nick Patrick's orbital bone! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COACH Okay, that's a DQ! COLE That looked unintentional to me. The referee got a little too close to the action there. Bohemoth's concern costs him as Wall suddenly gets the better of him and fires off with the soupbones. As the referee hits the deck clutching his eye, Dragon tries to get involved. But he takes a clearly intentional elbow from Wall as he shrugs The Masked Dance Assassin off. Meanwhile, on the outside, there's a commotion as Michael Buffer is on his feet. The reason being, his chair is gone, now in the hand of Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez, who sneaks it to PRL and points out to her man that there's no referee. Which is all the excuse PRL needs as he slides into the ring with chair in hand. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE Watch out now, PRL with a chair! As Dragon climbs to his feet, his lack of peripheral vision would seem to indicate he doesn't see PRL stalking behind him. PR waves Triple D to his feet, virtually ignoring the battle between Cuban Wall and Bohemoth, as The Meterosexual Monster suddenly lunges forward and takes Wall down with a desperation clothesline! As Bo pushes himself back up, Dragon meanwhile turns aimlessly around, right into the path of Tha Puerto Rican who's waiting with a wild home-run swing with the chair... *CRACK!* "OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" ...SMASHING BOHEMOTH RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES WITH A THUNDEROUS CHAIRSHOT!!! COACH What a shot! That's how you swing a chair baby! Lindsay and Popick jump on the outside, celebrating the vicious chairshot as you'd expect them to. But in stark contrast, PRL isn't celebrating. He stands over Bohemoth in shock, the chair hanging at his side as he freezes in horror at what just happened. Infact, it's left to Cuban Wall to deal with Dance Dance Dragon, marching past PRL and clotheslining Triple D hard enough to knock him right out of the ring. Lindsay hurriedly yells at her future hubby to get rid of the chair but PRL doesn't seem to hear her, just watching as Wall backs off the ropes, passing PR on his way back with the LIGHTNING CREW SPLASH on Bohemoth!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" With his one good eye, Nick Patrick is guided over to the pin by Popick, Wall covering tightly for the... 1... 2... AND THREE!!!! *DINGDINGDING!* "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" COACH Wall got him again! COLE Again thanks to a chair! And by PRL's hands... I don't think he can quite believe what just happened. Quickly PRL backs out of the ring, still holding the dented chair as he still sports a shocked look on his face. Lindsay and Popick guide him out, handing him his X-Division Championship, as Wall exits on the other side of the ring and raises his fist in victory. BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, your winners of the match... the team of THE CUBAN WALL and THA PUERTO RICAN... THE LIGHTNIIIIINNGG CCRRRRREEEEEWWWWWWWWW!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Wall seems pretty happy but PRL still doesn't look too happy about what just happened, watching wide-eyed as Bohemoth has groggily sat up. And as he looks up at the aisleway, it's clear to the world that he is PISSED~! PRL hides the dented chair behind his back in perhaps the most pathetic attempt at innocence ever, before discarding the chair altogether and scuttling ahead off towards the back while Bo slumps back to the canvas holding his head. COLE The Lightning Crew may have scored the victory... but I think PRL just signed his own death warrant! Commercial break

COLE Standing by, Josh Matthews is with our new X-Division Champion. Take it away Josh... The camera cuts to the HeldDOWN~! interview area where Josh "J. Math" Matthews is joined by both "The Corporate Champion" and now also the OAOAST X-Division Champion, Tha Puerto Rican, plus his soon to be better half, the new OAOAST Women's Champion Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez. PRL grins away to himself with his arm around Lindsay's shoulders, both wearing their respective belts proudly over their shoulders. MATTHEWS PR, just under two weeks ago at AngleMania, The Lightning Crew had one heck of a night, capturing three championships and gaining another big victory in the 3 on 2 Handicap Match. Tonight The Lightning Crew could add to your recent success even better as Vitamin X and Mr. Boricua challenge for the OAOAST World Tag Team Championships... it's fair to say, it's a good time to be Tha Puerto Rican right now. PRL It's ALWAYS a good time to be Tha Puerto Rican Josh Matthews! You're darn right The Lightning Crew had a heck of a night at AngleMania. We stole the show. We dominated. We OWNED AngleMania VI! Infact, henceforth, I believe that AngleMania VI should no longer be referred to as 'Etched In Stone'. It should be referred to from now on as The Corporate AngleMania! The X-Man slayed the OAOAST legends. Cuban Wall, he took the 24/7 Championship that I made so famous. My beautiful fiancee, Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez, soon to be Mrs. Lindsay Puerto Rican, the Women's Champion of the entire WORLD! And of course yours truly, Tha Puerto Rican, The Corporate Champion, the new X-Division Champion after beating The Dance Dance Dragon's Dance Dancing Candy Ass all over Skydome, Tor-on-TO! It was a glorious night Josh Matthews. It was a LONG, glorious night. PRL and Lindsay giggle, the innuendo apparantly flying right over Josh Matthews' well-groomed head. PRL And last week I gave my men time off to continue the celebrations. I hear the OAOAST had a little 5th Anniversary celebration. Well, The Lightning Crew had their own 5th Anniversary Party, to celebrate OUR contributions to the OAOAST. Because let's face it, the OAOAST in the past five years would have been nothing... and I mean NOTHING without The Lightning Crew, now would it Josh? MATTHEWS It would have been... different. PRL Exactly! And what a way to start the next five years of the OAOAST, with The Lightning Crew holding all the go... Scowling, Tha Puerto Rican suddenly begins to trail off as he glares off into the distance. Lindsay folds her arms and it's clear there's an unwelcome guest intruding on their interview, all eyes turning to DANCE DANCE DRAGON as he walks into shot. After the anger at being interrupted subsides, PRL just laughs derisively at The Masked Dance Assassin as he stands and stares at him. PRL Well, if it isn't the Dance Dance Dumbass! HAHAHA! That's a good one, I oughta write that down. Anyway, what's the matter Dragon, didn't you get enough of a beating at AngleMania? Dragon does the 'Running Man' to display the fact he's in good condition. PRL That's real cute. You know, with moves like that, it's no wonder you hide your face behind that stupid mask. So, what? If you've got something to say to Tha Puerto Rican then spit it out but if not, get out of my sight... Dragon points to PRL's X-Division Champion, causing PRL to scoff at him. PRL Oh, I see. I see what this is. You wanna go ONE... on ONE... with Tha Puerto Rican, one more time? HA! Listen, just because Hack Malibu's getting a second chance after his failure at AngleMania doesn't mean it's open season on rematches around here buddy! You don't deserve a shot at this X-Division Title. You're an embarrassment. Look at you. Look at yourself. You're nothing! A nobody with a dumb mask and a ridiculous name. It was a complete fluke that you got to that X-Division Tournament Final at all. Infact, it was a joke. A joke that you of all people faced Tha Puerto Rican on the grandest stage of them all! Well, the joke is over. Tha Puerto Rican dealt with you with short shrift at AngleMania and now he is the X-Division Champion... Suddenly, Lindsay whispers something into PRL's ear. A smile forms on PRL's face and he nods in agreement as he turns back to Dragon. PRL I'll tell ya what Dragon, I'm a generous man. So if you want another beating from Tha Puerto Rican, who am I to say no? You'll get your chance tonight. But it WON'T be for my X-Division Championship! You go into that OAOAST locker room and you find yourself a partner. You find anyone blind, dumb, deaf or desperate enough to team with you tonight and you meet me and my Lightning Crew partner in that ring and we'll have ourselves a Tag Team Match later on. How's about that? You think you can find anyone? After throwing out a few Michael Jackson inspired steps, Dragon comes out of it telling PRL to 'talk to the hand', causing Tha Puerto Rican's eyes to bug out a little. Dragon then shuffles off as PRL and Lindsay look at each other in confusion. COLE Tha Puerto Rican and one of his Lightning Crew members to take on Dance Dance Dragon and a partner of his choosing, later on tonight here on OAOAST HeldDOWN~! We've got more tag action right now, so let's take it up to the ring. Right on cue, the soothing sounds of "Easy Lover" waft through the arena, The Mardi Gras Homewrecking Crew walking to the ring ahead of their match. But that's not what's important right now COLE Well, as you can tell, there's still a solemn air over the crowd right now after what we saw earlier tonight. A very uncomfortable thing to witness, as Jade Rodez slapped her own brother in front of this capacity crowd and everybody watching at home on TSM. And during the break Leon apparantly left the arena and I can't say as I blame him right about now. COACH No kidding. He got straight punked by his little sister, no wonder he wanted to get the heck outta here. COLE In the meantime we're ready for HI-YAH Tag Team Title action and I guess The Mardi Gras Homewrecking Crew are two of the few people pleased with what's happened tonight. They're the lucky recipients of a title shot all of a sudden, simply made by The Enterprise to screw with the Champions! *DINGDING!* BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest, co-sanctioned by HI-YAH Promotions and the OAOAST, is scheduled for one fall, to be contested under HI-YAH Rules. 20 counts will be oberserved at ringside and throwing an opponent over the top rope will be deemed an automatic disqualification. In the event of the champions being disqualified, the titles will change hands! In the ring, the challengers. Weighing in at a total combined weight of four hundred, ten pounds... the team of RICO DE JANEIRO and "SWEET" LUCIUS SOUL... they are, THE MARDI GRAS HOMEWRECKING CREW!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Rico strokes down his 70's porn stache while Soul flashes a cheesy smile to the crowd, neither seeming all that concerned with the reaction. The upstart duo then turn to the entrance way... "JUST ONE ON ONE THAT'S THE WAY WE DO IT BABY! JUST ONE ON ONE, THAT'S THE WAY WE DO IT! JUST ONE ON ONE THAT'S THE WAY WE DO IT BABY! JUST ONE ON ONE, THAT'S THE WAY WE DO IT!" ...as "First To Believe" by A1 hits. The music is the same, but the reaction is slightly different, "Tremendous" Tyler and "Showtime" Shayne trudging out through the entrance doors with none of the happy-go-lucky boyband spark we've come to expect from the HI-YAH Tag Team Champions. Tyler and Shayne look almost lost as they stop on the stage, left with no manager to point them to the ring and having to decide themselves which way the ring is. BUFFER And, introducing the opponents! Weighing in at a total combined weight of three hundred, eight two pounds. The current, reigning and defending, three-time HI-YAH WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS... "TREMENDOUS" TYLER, "SHOWTIME" SHAYNE... they are D*LLLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUUXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!! "YYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" COLE D*LUX, looking... noticeably different here. Without Jade by their side, it just seems like there's something missing. COACH And there might be something else missing pretty soon if they don't get their heads in the game. Like their titles. Solemnly Tyler and Shayne enter the ring and remove of their jackets, even the roaring cheers around them failing to cheer them up. The dejected duo hand their belts to referee Brian Hebner before turning to each other and trying to psyche themselves up... ...turning their backs on Rico and Lucius, who take the opportunity to pounce from behind! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" *DINGDINGDING!* Rico and Lucius club away on Tyler and Shayne respectively, as referee Hebner rushes the belts out of the ring before trying to obtain some control of the match. Which doesn't seem to be happening, as Shayne gets thrown out of the ring by the seat of his pants and Rico now directs traffic for a double team. The MGHWC send Tyler off the ropes with a double irish whip, brushing away Hebner as they pick Tyler up on the rebound and throw him into the air, allowing him to drop throat-first across the top rope!! "OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Tyler crumbles to the canvas holding his throat, as Hebner finally makes himself known and orders one of the challengers out of the ring. Holding up his hands defensively, Lucius tells the referee to 'straight chill, fool' as he exits, while Rico covers Tyler... 1... 2... No! Taking a quick detour to knock Shayne back off the apron, de Janeiro then swaggers back over and measures Tyler, driving the point of his elbow into the throat, causing Tyler to start to choke for air! COLE I'm sure given the choice D*LUX would not have wanted their first match without their manager to be a title defence. But of course, they had no choice. COACH These kids are gonna have to learn to stand on their own two feet... well, four I guess... and learn it quick. Rico and Lucius ain't playing tonight. COLE Not at all. This is a huge opportunity for the rookie team. Dragging Tyler over to his corner Rico makes the tag to Lucius, who steps in with a well placed kick to the gut on Tyler. A forearm then sends Tyler staggering back out to the centre of the ring, Lucius coming off the ropes with a Diving Clothesline with the space that creates. Darting to his feet, Lucius then bumps Shayne off the apron again, before going back and covering... 1... 2... Only two. So Lucius jumps up and drops the leg, setting up a second pinfall... 1... 2... No! With a frustrated glare at the referee, Soul looks down at Tyler... and clamps on a blatant choke! "ONE!" "TWO!" "THREE!" "FOU..." Releasing the choke, innocence is pleaded by the New Orleans native. Of course, the howling of the crowd tells the referee that it's not all it seems, Lucius conducting his pleas with one knee pinned across Tyler's throat! "ONE!" "TWO!" "THREE!" "FOU..." Again Lucius breaks on four and tags back out to Rico. COACH You call these guys rookies, but they're not a couple of scrubs. These guys BEAT The Heavenly Rockers in the Anderson Cup don't forget! COLE Well, there were some extenuating circumstances. COACH Doesn't change the result though. Taking his sweet time in following up, Rico scoops Tyler off the canvas and slams him in the centre of the ring. Shayne has finally made it back up into his corner now, just in time to watch as The King Of The Mardi Gras backs slowly off the ropes, stroking down his porn 'stache as he swaggers back and drops the big leg on Tyler... 1... 2... Kickout! But the moment Tyler kicks out he pins a hand to his throat, clearly struggling. "TY - LER!" "TY - LER!" "TY - LER!" "TY - LER!" Rico smirks over at Shayne as he clubs Tyler across the back, stroking down the porn 'stache again as the females in the crowd start to itch uncontrollably for some reason. Nonchalantly, Rico now pulls Tyler up and tosses him aside, through the ropes and to the floor. Another stroke of the 'stache draws "Showtime" Shayne into the ring. Just as Rico had intended, as Lucius Soul drops off the apron and sneaks up on Tyler, lifting him up and dropping him across the guardrail out of sight of the referee!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE As relatively inexperienced as they may be, these are some veteran tactics on the part of The Mardi Gras Homewrecking Crew here. Not exactly honourable, but... COACH But effective. Naively Shayne continues to complain about the involvement of Lucius, which just serves to distract the referee for even longer. Checking the coast is still clear, the boots rain down from Lucius, the fans in the front row in front of him voicing their displeasure up close and personal. But knowing that Hebner's attention will only be diverted for so long he lets up, throwing Tyler back into the ring and returning to the corner in time to avoid too much suspicion. Rico quickly takes over and covers Tyler again, preventing Hebner from asking any pressing questions about why the boybander is down... 1... 2... Kickout! By the hair, Rico leads Tyler into the Mardi Gras corner, pinning him in while Lucius tags himself in. Jogging into the middle of the ring, Lucius gets a run-up and dives in, Rico dodging out of the ring just in time to avoid the Soul Brother Splash! Tyler gets crushed in the corner and stumbles out, hand lamely stretched in search of a tag as he crumbles to the canvas. COLE This is a far from auspicious start to life without Jade Rodez for D*LUX, so far. They need to snap out of this post-AngleMania hangover as soon as they possibly can. Lording it over "Tremendous" Tyler, a noticeably jive enters Lucius' step as he succumbs to a little bit of over-confidence. That proves to be a mistake as when he tries to pull Tyler up, he takes a right hand to the gut! Lucius shakes it off and tries again. But again he takes a punch to the breadbasket! And a third! Tyler Bryant now fighting to his feet, throwing right hands to the face now and backing Lucius up, inch by inch towards the D*LUX corner and a possible chance to get the tag... ...until Lucius shoots out with an open handed thrust to the throat, causing Tyler to stop and gasp for breath again! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" COLE Right to the throat, which isn't a legal strike by the way. COACH But it's not something you're gonna get disqualified for, let's face it. As Tyler hunches over in pain Lucius quickly takes advantage with a quick kick to the collarbone which snaps the boybander upright. Soul then hits the ropes and throws his right foot at Tyler's pretty boy face with a bicycle motion for added momentum... SIDESTEP! Tyler manages to avoid the Bicycle Kick. And as Soul comes to a stop and turns to rectify his mistake, he walks right into a quick Samon Drop from the Champion! "YYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" COLE That will give D*LUX a little hope! But now Tyler Bryant desperately needs to make the tag to Shayne Brave, who is fresh and waiting to go here! Still the damage done to his throat bothers Tyler and he isn't able to follow up on the Samoan Drop. Both men are down and referee Brian Hebner begins to lay a standing ten count on them, as the Portland crowd begin to rally behind D*LUX. And it seems to do the trick, as Tyler suddenly begins to crawl forward, looking for his corner. "TY - LER!" "TY - LER!" "TY - LER!" "TY - LER!" Soul sits up and looks around to see Tyler on the move. But being closer to his corner than to his opponent, he decides instead to make the tag to Rico de Janeiro while he has the chance and let his partner worry about preventing the tag. Quickly the Brazilian runs into the ring and dives across the ring, dropping a big elbow... ...INTO THE CANVAS, Tyler able to roll out of the way! *slap!* "YYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" COLE AND THERE'S THE TAG!! Leaping into the ring, Shayne is all fired up and a cornier person than I would probably claim that it was 'Showtime'. It's a pun, see. Nevermind. Shayne stalls for a second as he waits for Rico to climb back up, only to put him right back down with a Flying Forearm! In runs Lucius again, but Shayne takes him out with a Flying Forearm also! Stumbling to his feet, Rico looks to be in the firing line again. And he ducks his head, only for Shayne to change direction in mid-air and snare de Janiero down with a Sunset Flip... 1... 2... NO! Rolling through to his feet, Rico looks to cut off Shayne's momentum with a big clothesline and goes charging in. Shayne swoops underneath easily though. As he ducks he sees the ropes fast approaching and thinks quickly, leaping to the middle rope and soaring off with a twisting crossbody, again pulling down the Brazilian... 1... 2... NO! After getting pushed off the pinfall, Shayne ends up close to Lucius Soul and manages to catch him with an elbow before he can react. However, torn between the two Mardi Grasers, he gets caught and as Rico comes charging in with a high knee Lucius dives low with a chopblock, the two attacks connecting with expertly timed precisions and flipping Shayne head over heels in the process!! "OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" COACH Wow, what a move that was! COLE High knee and a chopblock, a little high/low action on Shayne Brave right there! Forgetting momentarily who the legal man is in all the commotion, Hebner dives down to count as Soul makes the pin... 1... 2... KICKOUT! Neither man leaving the ring, The Mardi Gras Homewrecking Crew together pull Shayne Brave back to his feet and set up another double team. Double irish whip sends Shayne into the ropes, Rico and Lucius both duck their heads ready for a double backbody drop. Shayne grabs the ropes and brings himself to a grinding halt however, luring Lucius in and backdropping him up and over the top, to the floor with a thud! "YYEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Rico reacts a little slower than his partner and pays for it as he runs at Shayne, eating a Leg Lariat for his trouble. Shayne dives on top with the cover a split second later... 1... 2... No! Looking a little surprise, Shayne freeze for a second. Almost as if he's unsure what to do. After looking around for some guidance he finds it in the form of Tyler Bryant, tagging his partner back into the match. Tyler still looks a little worse for wear but comes in all the same. COLE I'm not sure that was the best option to take there, tagging Tyler Bryant back in so soon. But this is what D*LUX are good at. They're the proverbial 'tag team specialists'. COACH Yeah, Shayne couldn't get him in soon enough. Almost like he didn't think he could do it on his own. COLE They're a tag team Coach, that's what being a tag team is about. Teaming. Together. As in not on your own. COACH Thanks professor. Together D*LUX take Rico on his way up, grabbing an arm and a leg a-piece. Rico's quite the burly guy but they get him up and down successfully with the Double Gutbuster, aka The Cowell Movement, leaving him crouched on his hands and knees in the centre of the ring. Hawking up a loogie Tyler clears his throat, before the duo set off on their next double-team, both running into the ropes. However just as they do so, Lucius Soul dives back into the ring and manages to catch Tyler running towards him, dropping him across the top rope with another Hotshot!! "OOOOHHHHHHHH!!" *SMACK!* Shayne connects with his half of the New Kicks On The Block but quickly realises all was not right with the patented tag team, scampering to his feet and charging at Soul... ...who charges himself... ...and sends Shayne FLYING, courtesy of the POOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNCCEEEEEEEE~!~! Period. COLE A bit of a mis-time on D*LUX's part and suddenly, everything's gone awry! Winded, Shayne goes rolling out of the ring and hits the padding on the arena floor with a thud. Meanwhile, Soul drags Tyler away from the ropes and looks over to Rico, noticing his partner is seeing stars and figuring if he's to then he's to win alone. A couple of quick kicks rattle off of the chest of "Tremendous" Tyler before Lucius reels him in by the arm. Twisting underneath and wringing the arm, Tyler is then pulled back the other way, up onto the shoulders into a fireman's carry. And with a a quick set, Lucius throws Tyler up for the FRO 2 SLEEEEEE... ...NO! Tyler spins out in front, hooking the head on the way to counter with a big DDT, planting Lucius right on his afro!! "YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!" COLE Man, what a DDT! COACH That's okay, he's got plenty of padding up there. Still clutching at his throat, Tyler takes a couple of seconds to realise where he is. Once he finally does though he turns and drops his arm across Lucius' chest for the cover... ...but Hebner waves it off, indicating to Tyler that Soul isn't the legal man! The crowd don't like that much, even if it is the right call. Tyler tries to complain, which distracts him from what's going on behind him, Rico de Janeiro walking over... *WHAM!* ...and dropping a HUGE elbow right to the back of the head!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE Oh man, Rico drops the hammer on Tyler Bryant... another miscue from D*LUX. COACH When it rains, it pours. Rolling his own, illegal partner away from the ring, Rico turns Tyler over. Another big elbow finds the mark, this time to the chest. And staying sat beside the boybander, Rico then sits Tyler up and grabs him by the head, locking on an Anaconda Vice! COACH The Rico Vice! He's got it locked it! COLE And look at him sit back with it, Rico trying to cut the air off on "Tremendous" Tyler! Already struggling to breathe as it is Tyler immediately starts to flail around as the hold gets clamped on. With his head bent completely forward over his throat Tyler fights and fights but the more he fights, the more pressure he finds his airways under... "D - LUX!" "D - LUX!" "D - LU..." *TAPTAPTAPTAP!* *DINGDINGDING!* COLE I... I don't believe it! We've got new Champions! The crowd completely sink as the bell sounds and Rico releases the hold and flops backwards, punching his fists into the air in celebration. Lucius looks up from behind the ring apron and his eyes bulge, hardly able to contain himself as Michael Buffer walks over and lays the titles down on the apron. Lucius grabs the belts and looks at them in disbelief, before breaking out into a dance right there in front of the announce table. BUFFER Your winners of this contest... and the NEEWW HI-YAH WORLD Tag Team Champions... "SWEET" LUCIUS SOUL and RICO DE JANEIRO... THE MARDI GRAS HHHOOOOMMEEEWRECKING CCRRRRREEEEEEWWWWW!!! The crowd still seem stunned as Lucius slides into the ring and hands one of the belts to his partner, the fledgling duo celebrating in centre ring as Tyler lies just a couple of feet away coughing and splutering. COLE Unbelievable. The Mardi Gras Homewrecking Crew have stunned us all again... they are the NEW HI-YAH Tag Team Champions, on their first title attempt, in only their FOURTH match on HeldDOWN~! What an achievement! COACH Oh man, it's gonna be Mardi Gras all over again! What a celebration it's gonna be, Mardi Gras comes to Portland, I can't wait! Rico and Lucius roll themselves out of the ring and celebrate their way up the aisle, holding their HI-YAH Tag Team Titles aloft which wakes some of the crowd up in order to boo them on principal. Still shock seems to be the main emotion though as Shayne Brave rolls into the ring, looking down at his partner and shaking his head in disbelief. COLE D*LUX made a couple of crucial mistakes and it has cost them their titles here tonight on HeldDOWN~! Had they been better prepared, who knows? But the fact is, Theodore Moneymaker has struck... COACH Don't blame Teddy for this! If these kids can't cope without someone to hold their hand, that's their problem! COLE But it was Moneymaker who got the match made. COACH Yeah, I know! Brilliant, huh? COLE ...I give up. D*LUX look on at the celebrations in the aisle. And if they came in dejected, then what word to describe them now? Commercial break

BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the men who survived the Sin City street fight last Sunday night at AngleMania, the GREATEST Rock 'n' Wrestling band of ALL time... THE HEAVENLY RRRRRROOOOOOOOOCCKKEEEEEEERRRRRRRSSSSSSS!!!! “YYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!” So deafening is the ovation that “Heart-Shaped Box” can barely be heard in the background. Logan walks down the aisle hand and hand with his wife Holly-Wood, his fist raised in triumph, while Synth bangs his head to the imaginary tune of his air guitar. COACH Either they just got back from a funeral or they’re big fans on Johnny Cash, all dressed in back. COLE Perhaps both. They did vanquish the Sooner Bruisers from the OAOAST for 90 days, remember? 11 of which have passed, meaning only 79 more days until they’re eligible to return. COACH And I’m counting them down. Logan rips the microphone from Buffer’s hand and motions for him to beat it (You didn‘t actually think Buffer would conduct the interview, did you?). LOGAN Lone Star Gunslingers, get out here right now! The Heavenly Rockers got something to say to you man-to-man and face-to-face. Fall Out Boy’s “Thriller” hits and the fans react! She might not have been able to train the seal at SeaWorld, but Melody takes pride in knowing she’s trained the fan base to pop for the new theme music of her tag team of Jock Mulligan and Baron Windels, the Lone Star Gunslingers. COACH Here are 3 more people who should be counting down the days until the Sooner Bruisers return, Melody and the Lone Star Gunslingers. If it weren’t for their blatant interference Big Frank and Uber would have won at AngleMania. COLE You know the real reason for the Gunslingers involvement in the Sin City street fight. They came to the aid of the Heavenly Rockers when Los Conquistadors decided to stick their noses where it didn’t belong. They were only evening the odds. COACH Spoken like a true fan boy. What a homer you are. Replace the “er” with an “o” and the answer is still the same. It's all business once Mel and the Gunslingers enter the ring. Jock and Baron standing toe to toe with Synth and Logan. LOGAN Last week the Heavenly Rockers gathered together to watch the number one rated program on Thursday nights, HeldDOWN~!, and heard “sources” reported we were “appreciative” of your help at AngleMania. Obviously nobody bothered to check their facts because everyone knows the Heavenly Rockers don’t need any help fighting their battles. Neither one of us sent out an SOS. The street fight was punishing not only for the men involved, but also for my wife Holly-Wood. She was a bit shaken up, as we all were. If all the hard partying wasn’t enough on my brain, I suffered a mild concussion. Synth and I both needed stitches after it was all said and done. But war is hell and hell was unleashed on the Sooner Bruisers! Now their sitting at home just as we promised they’d be. SYNTH LOGAN However…HOWEVER, we also know the roles might be reversed had it not been for your help. For that we thank you. Mega-Powers handshake! “YYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Melody is unable to control her emotions as he jumps into Logan’s arms and yanks in Synth, giving them both a big bear hug. Baron pulls Mel off and tries to calm her down, but she can’t help herself, and greets Holly like a long lost sister. Holly isn’t sure what to think of the overly exuberant gal pal of the Gunslingers, standing emotionless as Mel goes on and on about adding the Heavenly Rockers to her MySpace friends list. COACH How do Jock and Baron put up with her? I mean, she’s a child in an adult’s body. Heck, she’s more of a man than you. COLE Hey! LOGAN Make no mistake about it, the Heavenly Rockers march to the beat of their own drum. Understand? BARON Loud and clear. Like we said… MELODY Oh, my gosh! Our first win as a team one week, friends forever with the Heavenly Rockers the next. This is sooooo cool. Ahhh! I can’t believe it. Holly, I just know we’re going to be the best of friends. You can come over to Alix and Krista’s place for Girls’ Night Out on the weekends while the boys head down to Texas for a bar-b-cue at Jock’s. You guys won’t regret this. It’s the start of a beautiful friendship sayeth Melody Nerdly! HOLLY Sweetie, we realize you’re a young tag team just getting their feet wet in the tag division, so allow me to indulge you with some constructive criticism on behalf of the Heavenly Rockers. Your helping us means you’ve placed yourselves in the kitchen, and for your sake I hope you’re able to stand the heat because there’s no way out. You’ve made yourselves targets for attacks by teams who wish the Heavenly Rockers ill. Believe me, the Sooner Bruisers are the most vindictive people I know. Once you’ve screwed with him they won’t rest until they’ve returned the favor. JOCK Ma’am, we ain’t scared one lick of the Sooner Bruisers. We’ve dealt with some roughnecks in the past and expect to do so in the future. It’s the price one’s got to pay in order to walk around these neck of the woods as champion. SYNTH Not to infringe on anyone’s phrase, kinda, but ain’t that the truth. You strike moi as the type of dudes who ain’t afraid to throw down a few beers and then go out and crack some heads, or bang some broads which the Synthmeister’s got to do by myself now that my main Mann got hitched. But ah just wanna wish you fellas luck next week, because we’s gonna have ourselves a par-tay, daddy-o. TAG TEAM BATTLE ROYAL! COLE Oh, my! COACH Next week?! COLE Yeah, a tag team battle royal. Wow. We know two of the participants. Hopefully we’ll find out more tonight. If not, be sure to log onto OAOAST.com for more information. We go to the back where Josh Matthews is standing in front of a HeldDOWN backdrop. JOSH Fans, my guest at this time kicked off AngleMania VI with a victory over the "Lone Wolf" James Wolfenstein. Please welcome, James Riggs. The crowd boos as Riggs and Staci step into the frame. James menacingly stares the backstage reporter down as he slowly removes his sunglasses and tucks them into his jacket. The microphone is visibly shaking as Josh waits to see if he will be enjoying the comforts of a Portland medical facility tonight. After a long 10 seconds, Riggs finally speaks. RIGGS Well? You got a question for me or what? Josh visibly relaxes and clears his throat in an attempt to gain back his dignity. JOSH Well, as we all saw at AngleMania, you defeated one of the OAOAST's top rising stars. What is next for you? RIGGS What's next? Thank you for asking that. What's next is that, as a part of my FINAL obligation to HI-YAH Promotions in Japan, they have granted me something I've been waiting for ever since that night in Yokohama against Zack Malibu two years ago. Next Thursday night, Tokyo, Japan, I will face Faqu for the HI-YAH Heavyweight Championship. And, for all the members of JR Nation, that match will be seen right here on HeldDOWN! At the end of the night, I will have climbed another rung up the ladder by capturing one of the most highly regarded titles in Japan and in the OAOAST. THAT is what's next for James Riggs. With an air of confidence, Riggs walks off as we fade to commercial. Commercial break

EARLIER TODAY It's a mean and moody cold opening to OAOAST HeldDOWN~! this week as we fade in with a shot of the parking lot of the Rose Garden Arena. The camera pans the seemingly deserted lot to find Leon Rodez entering the arena. Leon hauls his bag over his shoulder as he marches the arena and finds himself confronted by a microphone weilding Josh Matthews. MATTHEWS Leon! Leon, can we get a few wor... But much to Josh's surprise, the usually warm and friendly Rodez completely blanks him and marches right past him, head down, scowling. Josh stand and watches Leon walking off for a second, before signalling for the camera to cut. BOOM!! BOOM!! BOOM!! BOOM!! COLE We are back on our usual Thursday night slot with the OAOAST's flagship program, HeldDOWN! Hello everyone, Michael Cole and the Coach here at ringside as we come to you this week from Portland, Oregon! These fans are excited for a night of action, but Leon Rodez is certainly not in a good mood. COACH Oh boo hoo for Leon. He should be proud of his sister for taking the right, not to mention very lucrative, direction in her life instead of slumming it with a couple losers like D*LUX. COLE Be that as it may, we are going to hear from Theodore Moneymaker and Jade later on, as well as the new X-Division champion....come on, he's had it for two weeks, let's drop the "new". COACH Just read the copy, Cole, or I'm getting Lindsey over here. COLE God no. The NEW X-Division champion, Tha Puerto Rican. COACH What about those wrestling match things? COLE We should be able to scrape some of those up. "You break the laws You hustle, you deal, you steal from us all Come on come on, lovin' for the money Come on come on, listen to the Money talk Come on come on, lovin' for the money Come on come on, listen to the Money talk Money talks" "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" The crowd greet Theodore Moneymaker with the typical response as "Money Talks" by AC/DC hits. This week it's a slightly slimmed down version of The Enterprise walking out into the wave of boos. Theodore Moneymaker walks out laughing away to himself, with newest recruit Jade Rodez on his arm. Jade looks out into the crowd with a scowl, again dressed down as opposed to her old look. Accompanying the duo is Christopher Patrick Allen, Moneymaker's one-man security force, marching behind as Moneymaker leads Jade up the ring steps and into the ring itself. COLE Well, Theodore Moneymaker gracing us with his 'presence' again here tonight on HeldDOWN~! And Jade Rodez by his side... I still can't get over seeing her with Moneymaker, looking like that, acting the way she is. It's like the life's been drained out of her. COACH What? This isn't a zombie movie Mikey. Her life is just beginning, she's one of the upper-crust elite now. That's how the well-to-do dress and nobody argues with them, because they've earnt the right to be above reproach by virtue of their wealth. COLE That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard you say in the past five minutes. Moneymaker now has the mic and sure enough, the crowd in Portland seem intent to drown out The Billion Dollar Heir with boos. Smirking away, Teddy waits for them to predictably wane, before beginning. MONEYMAKER Now, I'm sure all you nickel n' dimers are wondering where the rest of my Enterprise are right now. Christian, Ned and Simon are currently hard in training at the finest facility money can buy in Vero Beach, California, preparing for next week, when finally championship gold will come to The Enterprise. Because next week, they will be challenging for and winning the OAOAST 6-Man Tag Team Championships! So tonight, it's just myself, the man who last week announced himself to the OAOAST world with his crushing victory CPA and of course, Miss Jade Rodez. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Unmoved by the boos it would seem, Jade glares forward, a sparkle shooting off the new diamond-encrusted bracelet around his right wrist from underneath her tracksuit top. MONEYMAKER You see, we are here for one reason. To conduct business. Somewhere in the back, D*LUX are cooped in their little locker room, biting their fingernails over how they're ever gonna cope without their manager to guide them, like the weak, pathetic peons that they are! See, they've got a BIG match tonight. They're gonna be defending their HI-YAH Tag Team Titles, against the fine combination of Lucius Soul and Rico de Janeiro, The Mardi Gras Homewrecking Crew. And for that, they can thank one person. And that is Jade Rodez. "D - LUX!" "D - LUX!" "D - LUX!" "D - LUX!" MONEYMAKER You peasants chant all you want! Because every time you chant for those pathetic little boybanders, every time you go out and you buy their merchandise and you pay to see them wrestle, you're putting more and more money into The Billion Dollar Heir's pockets! Tyler, Shayne... wonder why you're suddenly in this match, defending your titles, against a team that haven't even competed in Japan before? It's pretty simple. You may be contracted to the OAOAST, you may have a contract with HI-YAH now you're the Champs, but your contracts are owned by the young lady standing next to me, remember! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" MONEYMAKER What was it Jade? 60% of all of the team's profits? HAHAHA! Say what you want about that urchin Krista Isadora Duncan, she knows exploitation when she sees it! And hey, let's not forget about the fact you're the one who signs off on all their matches! How convenient, tha... .:CUE: Trust Company, "Rock The Casbah":. All eyes suddenly turn to the entrance way, as the sliding doors part at the hands of LEON RODEZ! "YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" COACH Oh boy! Baton down the hatches, cause here comes big brother! Moneymaker quickly palms Jade back towards CPA, Jade being shielded by the big bodyguard as Leon marches down the aisle, right past the outstretched arms of the fans. He's not dressed to wrestle and he's not here to play to the fans. Leon is here for answers as he climbs the steps and enters the ring. It's only once he gets through the ropes that he slows down, unsure of whether to run straight through Moneymaker or whether to back off, clearly conflicted about how to react to seeing his sister behind The Billion Dollar Heir. "LE - ON!" "LE - ON!" "LE - ON!" "LE - ON!" The music dies down and the chants take over. Moneymaker doesn't back down, although he does back up a couple of steps, safe in the knowledge that Leon won't make any sharp moves now that he's got Jade close to him. Quickly he throws the microphone over to the Silky Smooth One and demands one of his own, as Leon ignores the mic at his feet, staring with disappointment at his little sister. COLE Well, we knew Leon was here tonight. And hopefully he's going to sort this issue out here. COACH I hope he brought his cheque book with him then. "LE - ON!" "LE - ON!" "LE - ON!" "LE - ON!" MONEYMAKER Well well, isn't this a pleasant surprise? I must warn you little man, this may be a wrestling ring but this is no wrestling match. You lay one finger on me and you'll be hearing from the most expensive lawyers in the known world! Leon bends down to pick up the microphone, while Jade peeks out from behind CPA's back. LEON I don't know what the hell is going on here... but I suggest you step aside and let me talk to my sister. MONEYMAKER Anything you wanna say, you can say right now. LEON Listen, I don't know what this is all about, but you're long past the line already withou... Leon stops in mid-sentence, upon seeing Jade appearing from behind CPA. She takes the microphone from Moneymaker and insists it's okay, as she turns to her big brother. Leon simply shakes his head as Jade stares at him, lip curling. JADE You wanna know what this is all about, 'brother'. Well, I wanna know why you care all of a sudden. LEON What's that supposed to mean? You're my sister... JADE Oh, so you finally realised that, huh? Because it never felt like it! Let's face it Le', you always cared about one person and that was yourself. So don't come playing the moral highground with me, because you've NEVER been there for me the rest of my life, there's no reason for you to start now! I was barely a teenager when you disappeared to 'live your dream' as a professional wrestler. You left me and mom to fend for ourselves. I barely knew who you were! The crowd seem noticeably uncomfortable being the audience for this public family feud and grow silent. JADE And now you have the nerve to come out here and try and 'rescue me', is that what this is all about? LEON It's about you making a big mistake, associating yourself with scumbags like that guy (points at Moneymaker). JADE No! The mistake I made was associating myself with people like Alix and Krista and Melody, YOUR kind of people! I didn't lower myself to their standards, I was at their level because I never knew any better! I never had the chance to be any better!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" JADE I've got dreams of my own ya know. I've got aspirations. I'm good at what I do, damnit! I deserve a good life and that's what I'm getting. Hanging around with meterosexual American Idol wannabees was only going to get me so far. You know, I looked at myself and I didn't like what I saw. My future was trawling bars with the likes of Krista and Alix until Teddy came along and made me an offer. See, The Enterprise is where I want to be. Teddy is willing to invest his time and his money into helping me achieve something with my life, as opposed to wasting my life with classless, desperate wannabees like you and Krista! People who don't respect me. People who make me not respect myself! Let's face it, I was never going make much of myself, considering my big brother was a pornstar now, was I!? Leon hangs his head, running a hand through his hair. JADE Do you even know what it was like for me? Do you know what it was like to be a 15 year old kid, knowing my big brother was whoring himself out a screwing crackwhores for a living!? I came to the OAOAST to get to know you, to know my own brother. Now, I wish I hadn't bothered. "OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" This talking down is having it's effect on Leon, as he forlornly looks at his little sister. LEON You know what, maybe you're right. This... this greed. This venom you're spitting out. If you're my sister, then maybe I don't know you. The sister I remember was sweet, innocent, a GOOD person. JADE I've changed since then. Being with people like Krista opens your eyes to what the world is really like and it gave me a long overdue wake-up call. LEON You're just buying into the garbage that Moneymaker's feeding you. You always were naive, bu... JADE SHUT UP! I'm sick of being treated like a kid all the damn time! Teddy respects me and treats me for who I am! Not who he wants me to be, like you. I've grown up. I guess you can't see that, what with being more concerned with yourself... (turns to Moneymaker, who nods) ... well, let's see if you can see this... *SLAP~!* "OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" COLE Oh my... A stunned silence washes over the crowd as Leon falls to one knee, clutching his cheek. Jade stands over him still breathing heavily from the anger that caused her to slap her own brother, nursing her hand a little from the ferocity with which she delivered the strike. In the background, Moneymaker is postively in HYSTERICS, laughing his head off as Jade takes one last bitter look down at her big brother before walking across the ring and exiting. Quickly Moneymaker and CPA decide to make a quick exit too, while Leon continues to hang sadly on one knee in the centre of the ring. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE Wow. COACH Man oh MAN, what a shot that was! COLE I don't believe what we've just seen here. I can't believe that Jade Rodez just slapped her own brother. Jade walks backwards up the aisle looking back into the ring, Moneymaker still laughing at the top of his lungs, Catching up to Jade, The Billion Dollar Heir can be seen thanking her for "the best laugh I've had all year" as he takes a couple of hundred dollar bills, tucking them into her pocket before pointing into the ring at Leon. Now stood up Leon still nurses his cheek, looking close to tears as Moneymaker lets out another roaring laugh at his expense. COLE As if things weren't emotional enough after Moneymaker's recruitment of Jade Rodez... man alive, this has just become personal. Theodore Moneymaker has torn the Rodez family apart. And... you know what, I don't think I want to dwell on this much longer. Can we go somewhere else? This is... *sighs* We get a last shot of Leon slowly and sadly exiting the ring, looking shell-shocked at what just happened, before we thankfully go to a commercial break. Commercial break

Thats a joke right? You don't think the Warren love is warranted?(heh...that sounds funny). Warren most definitely shouldn't have been a first ballot vote in. His NFL numbers don't add up and his postseason record (3-7, 0 title game appearances) is pitiful. He got in more for his CFL numbers (which is like a baseball player going into Cooperstown based on his track record in AAA) than anything else. As MiB pointed out, Kordell Stewart deserves as much credit as anyone for that game. After that one TD drive right after Brady went out (a great moment and boost to the team to be sure), Drew was his typical mediocre self for the second half and the Pats didn't score an offensive TD the rest of the game (I believe they got a TD off a blocked FG and Vinatieri kicked a few himself). And Bledsoe's got his numbers because, like Moon, he threw A LOT. Every offense was geared towards him throwing the ball 40-50 times a game (he topped 600 attempts a season FOUR times in his career). But his TD:INT ratio, yards per completion average, and completion percentages were pretty average or slightly above average.

Hell, they screwed up right out of the gate with his introduction the night after XIX by making him talk before spearing Rock. All he had to do was march down to the ring, menacingly stare down Rock, spear, Jackhammer and walk to the back while JR screams "GOLDBERG!! BAH GAWD KING, GOLDBERG IS HERE!!!"

Half of NE's games being after 1PM is crap. Kinda dumb having a SB XXXIX rematch nearly three years after the fact with neither team (personnel wise) looking all that much like they did in that game.

Drew Bledsoe to retire If he entered the NFL 5-10 or so years or so before he actually did, Drew may have been a HOF caliber QB. Unfortunately, he entered in a time when defenses got bigger and faster and QBs had to be more agile and able to quickly get rid of the ball. He's a white Warren Moon, basically (and I don't think he'll get the unwarranted love of the HOF voters like Warren did).

Once again, all the first amendment ensures is that the guys and gals on Capitol Hill can't pass a law saying that anyone that simply assembles to protest the Iraq war and any reporters that go cover such event in front of the Official Catholic Church of the United States of America are to be arrested and sent to Guantanamo Bay. Really, why is this shit so hard to understand?

He got suspended for two weeks. The guy's been around forfuckingever and can basically retire today and have more money than he needs for the rest of his life. He's definitely not that relevant anymore, but his audience will come back when he does. I do agree that political correctness has gotten way out of hand over the past ten years, but this is not something to get *that* riled up about on either side. His bosses thought his conduct was worth suspending him for and that's that.

I love when old issues from other teams effect games. Jose Guillen and Brendan Donnelly are still beefin' over their days in Anaheim and it gets the both of them ejected from a 14-1 game. If the quality of these starts keeps up, I'm going to have a serious mancrush on this rotation.

With Flair, they probably would have been able to run WCW shows in the usual places (Carolinas, Georgia) and start/rechristen a viable WCW brand. Instead, they did it in friggin' Oregon(?).

Do they have to introduce the Mariners' video coordinator and trainers? Matsuzaka already has a special handshake with Ortiz. He's fitting in nicely. Harry Connick Jr. and Robert Goulet? Way to appeal to the youngsters, guys. I can't watch Goulet without picturing Will Ferrell's imitation of him.

Written by: Zack Malibu Alfdogg Tony149 Patty O'Green KingPK King Cucaracha Anniversary Moments Provided by: Tony149 Patty O'Green KingPK © 2007 OAOAST Entertainment. All Rights Reserved.

When the fifth anniversary of the oaoast returns, viewers are shown a site sorely lacking in a celebratory atmosphere; one of a medical room within the arena, looking as though it's been ransacked by a tornado, as medical staff is strewn about the floor a beaten and broken mess, and Biff Atlas lies slumped against the wall, the blood incurred from Vincent's attack now dribbling down his chiseled body. On his bruised and sore neck rest two deep gashes from which more of the crimson juice seeps out. And on that pleasant note we return it to sofa central. COLE What happened back there? Was that the work of the Militia? No, I doubt it, there's no monetary benefit in randomly attacking NRG after you've already beat them. It's not like them to act without the possibility of some kind of financial reward. COACH Who cares? After five years is this how far the oaoast has sunk? To wondering who may have or may not have jumped some asshole in a hula skirt? A hula skirt! Jesus tap dancing Christ! COLE Easy, Coach. And now, this OAOAST 5th Anniversary Moment COLE There you have a look at the biggest moments of two of the most recognized OAOAST stars in history. As a treat to the most loyal and best fanbase in the world, we have a special main event to wrap up our 5th Anniversary show. Let's take it up to Michael Buffer. MICHAEL BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest, set for one fall, is a special showcase match between two of wrestling's best. More importantly, it is a contest between two men who helped lay the foundation for this very company, bringing it to such recognition and notoriety around the world, that we celebrate it's Fifth Anniversary here tonight! The crowd roars with anticipation, and "Simply Ravishing" hits, bringing the crowd to their feet for a man who, no matter what side of the fence he's been on, has always been respected by the OAOAST supporters. BUFFER Coming down the aisle at this time, and hailing from Hollywood, USA. This man is one of the cornerstones of the OAOAST, and has been here since the Beltshot That Started It All. Weighing in tonight at two hundred and sixty two pounds, he is TONY, THE BODY, BRAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNIGAAAAAAN! Applause comes from all around as Tony struts across the apron and then enters the ring, circling it as the fans give him his much deserved props. Tony begins to take off his robe, and that's when his music stops, and another song starts...one that brings the crowd to its feet yet again! BUFFER His opponent, is a man known the world over as the Face of the OAOAST. Another man, having been here for the five years the company has existed, there is no other man or woman alive who can say that they've put as much blood, sweat, and tears into something as much as this man has. From Providence, Rhode Island, and weighing in tonight at two hundred and five pounds, he is the OAOAST's Franchise, ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK MAAAAAAAALLLLLIBUUUUUUUUUUUU! Zack walks to the ring acknowledging the fans on his way down the aisle. He hops up on the apron and locks eyes with Tony, then looks out to the crowd, who show their support for Zack in spades. Malibu enters the ring and hops up on the ropes, pumping his fists in the air, and welcoming the fan support with open arms. COLE They love the Originals here tonight, Coach! What a treat here, on our Fifth Anniversary Broadcast! In a show of respect, the two OAOAST Originals shake hands before stepping away from each other, allowing the bell to ring before they engage in battle. DING! DING! DING! COLE Here we go, two of the OAOAST's greatest, locking up in the center of the ring five years after the belshot that started it all! A lockup kicks things off, and Tony takes Malibu's under his arm, and works off the headlock for a few moments, until he's shot into the ropes by Malibu and hiptossed over! Tony gets up, and now Malibu grabs hold of him with a headlock. Tony struggles for a moment, then pulls Malibu off his feet, sending Malibu over his shoulders, only to land on his feet! Tony turns around and walks into a pair of chops, then gets sent to the ropes and nailed with a picturesque dropkick from the former World Champion! Tony rolls to the corner and gets up, wiping his arm across his mouth as he stands up, and moves towards Malibu again. COACH It ain't about hatred, it ain't about titles...this match, right here, is all about the history, baby! Tony and Zack circle each other again, this time with Zack using a double leg takedown! He struggles with Tony's legs, who kicks Zack off and immediately comes back to a standing position, and then blasts Zack with a running lariat when he gets to his feet! Tony drops on top of his fellow Original, and we've got the first fall of the match! ONE! KICKOUT! COLE Quick kickout by Malibu, who is definitely battle worn after last Sunday night. COACH So's my man T, having had to go at it with a bunch of other guys in that Money In The Bank Battle Royal! Tony pulls Zack up, then quickly snaps him over with a suplex. Tony gets up and then drops a quick elbow, and then covers Malibu again! ONE! KICKOUT! Tony brings Zack up again, but Zack shoves him off, and into the ropes. Malibu drops his head, but Tony stops short of being sent over with a back bodydrop, nailing Malibu with a kick! Zack staggers upwards, and Tony grabs him and delivers a scoop slam before running the ropes and dropping another elbow into Zack's chest! As Tony gets up, Zack rolls out under the bottom rope and onto the apron, evading the offense of "The Body" as he looks to recover! Zack pulls himself up with the ropes giving some help, but Tony comes right over and looks to take Zack back into the ring! He readies Zack for a suplex from the apron to the inside, but Malibu frees himself from Tony's grip and lands behind him, rolling him up with a schoolboy! ONE! T-KICKOUT! Barely a two, as Tony is quick to kick out just as Zack was earlier. As they get up, Zack comes from behind and grabs Tony in a rear waistlock, trying to take him over with a German suplex! Tony's not having it, as he fires an elbow back to break, then uses a rear waistlock of his own! Zack fires back an elbow as well, breaking Tony's attempt, and then snapmares T-Bod over, following up with a hard running kick to his back! Tony winces as Zack hops over him and runs to the ropes, coming off with a seated dropkick...THAT MISSES! Zack crashes and burns, and Tony immediately dives on top of the popular prep and hooks a leg! ONE! T-KICKOUT! COLE Malibu escapes again, and listen to this crowd, applauding the efforts of two of our greatest! The crowd is cheering wildly as Tony leads Zack up, shooting him to the ropes and catching him on the rebound with a side slam that drives him into the canvas! With Zack down, Tony circles him, then ducks out to the apron...and starts climbing the turnbuckles! COACH Air Tony! COLE Tony Brannigan's never really been one to utilize the top rope, but it looks like he's ready to risk it all right now! Tony climbs to the top, but before he can get his balance, Malibu gets up and races across the ring, leaping from the canvas onto the ropes, and HIPTOSSES TONY BRANNIGAN OFF THE TOP~! COACH YO~! COLE The risk didn't pay off! Tony Brannigan got sent down to earth the hard way! Malibu remains perched on the ropes, waiting for just the right moment to strike. Tony is still reeling from his crash landing, and doesn't realize Malibu has him in his sights, as he soars off the top with his trademark Guillotine Legdrop...AND IT MISSES, BECAUSE TONY ROLLS OUT OF THE WAY JUST IN TIME! COACH Crash landing times two! Malibu shouts in agony as the pain shoots through his tailbone. He gingerly tries to get up, moving slowly to his feet...but Tony grabs him and pulls him into positoin for a Piledriver...and Malibu backdrops Tony over before falling on all fours! Both men push up to their feet, their already worn bodies starting to struggle...AND MALIBU COMES OUT OF NOWHERE WITH SCHOOL'S OUT...BUT IT'S CAUGHT! Tony throws the foot down and delivers a kick to Zack's ribs, doubling him over...and Tony takes his head and goes for the RUDE AWAKENING...but Zack counters to a backslide! ONE! TWO! KICKOUT! Tony escapes, but as he gets up, he takes Zack's head under his arm and swings him around, dropping his neck over his shoulder with his patented RUDE AWAKENING neckbreaker! COLE The Rude Awakening connects, and Zack is DOWN! Tony covers, as referee Nick Patrick hits the canvas for the count! ONE! TWO! T-KICKOUT! COLE Close call there, as Zack just got his shoulder up in time! Once again, Tony brings Zack up, and this time traps him in a full nelson, putting pressure on the neck and hoping that he will weaken Malibu enough to obtain victory. Zack winces as his neck endures the move, and Tony puts enough force behind it that it drops Zack to one knee! COLE Tony Brannigan, the more rugged of the two men, now using his power advantage over Malibu by trapping him in the submission here! Zack's struggle is not over, but Brannigan keeps a tight grip, not loosening up in the slightest. Zack slowly rises, able to push himself to his feet...and when he does he kicks backwards, forcing Tony to stumble back and crash into the corner! The hold is broken, but as Zack moves forward, Tony shakes off the effects of the full nelson break, and grabs Zack again, this time trapping him in a sleeperhold! COACH He's gone from one to the other, Mikey Cole! He's tryin' to put Zack to sleep! COLE If he wants to do that, he should have given him a copy of Mr. Zsasz's matches! COACH Ha! Zack struggles again, trying to reach for the ropes for the easy way out, but he's nowhere close enough. Tony fights to keep the hold applied, but Zack knows how dangerous this hold can be coming off that full nelson. Zack fights, growing weaker by the second...but at the last possible instant he's able to shift his body so that the hold becomes more of a headlock, and he lifts Tony off his feet, dropping him with a back suplex! COLE Malibu breaks, and both men are down! Patrick counts for both men to get up, although it doesn't take Tony long at all to get to his feet. Malibu is still weak, and when he stands up he's cracked across the chest with a hard chop, and then whipped into the corner by Tony! T-Bod runs in after Zack, but Malibu puts a foot up, and Tony runs right into the size 11 boot of Zack Malibu! He stumbles away, checking to make sure all of his teeth are intact, and that's when Malibu strikes, racing up behind him and carrying him over with a German Suplex! COLE That's number one! Malibu holds on, rolling to his feet, and follows up with a second German suplex! He brings Tony to his feet again, still stuck in a rear waistlock, but Tony fights back, firing back elbows, and then whipping Zack to the ropes. He catches him on the rebound with the OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE...or so he thinks as Malibu manages to counter in mid-move, driving Tony's head down with a DDT! Zack covers, the crowd counting along as he hooks the leg. ONE! TWO! T-NO! TONY KICKS OUT! COLE So close right there! Tony got rattled by that unexpected DDT, but he's not done by a longshot! Zack brings Tony up, striking him with three right hand jabs before swinging around and nailing him with a discus clothesline! Fired up, Zack calls out to the crowd, playing on their emotions and their support. Zack gets in the ready position, remaining focused on Tony as he prepares for his patented manuever, the one that has won him two OAOAST World Championships. Tony is dazed as he comes up, turning around to once again find Malibu's foot headed in the direction of his face...but he manages to reach up and catch it, spinning Zack around by his leg before quickly grabbing him and spinning around, driving him down with THE OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE~! COACH YO~! That's the OOBE, baby! Tony goes for the pin again, as Malibu is left looking up at the lights, the wind having just been driven from his body! ONE! TWO! THRE-KICKOUT! MALIBU KICKS OUT OF THE OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE! COLE HOW, after all he's gone through this week, did Zack Malibu survive that!? Tony can't believe it, although a part of him is not surprised at Malibu's resiliency. He's been on both sides of the ring with Zack, and knows that Malibu has to be near-death, if not dead, to give up. Tony brings Zack up and readies him in a standing headscissors, then flips Malibu up onto his shoulders...but before he can fully execute the powerbomb, Malibu counters by taking Tony over with a huracanrana! Once again, both men are laid out on the canvas! Tony gets up and goes after Zack, who is just coming to his feet...but as Tony approaches, Malibu connects with SCHOOL'S OUT out of nowhere, collapsing on top of his foe as soon as he hits the canvas! COLE School's Out connects with the chin of Tony Brannigan, and he has gone down! Malibu covers, as the crowd counts along with the official. ONE! TWO! THREE! DING! DING! DING! COLE Malibu wins! COACH Gotta give props to my man T too, Mikey Cole. These guys did this for the history tonight! COLE Indeed they did, Coach. We have been here for five long years, and what better way to cap off the night than with a match between these two great talents, two of the OAOAST Originals! "Getting Away With Murder" plays in celebration of Zack's victory, as he has his hand raised by Nick Patrick. Malibu goes to the ropes and climbs up, saluting his fans after the victory, while Patrick helps Tony Brannigan to his feet. Zack gets off the ropes and goes over to Tony, and in the center of the ring the two Originals embrace, congratulating each other on a great match. COLE There's that respect that Malibu always talks about, what he strives for this company to be based on. Two of the greatest in the ring, showing their admiration for one another. Tony raises Zack's arm up, and together the two longtime superstars celebrate in the ring, as the crowd comes to their feet, applauding them both. Zack and Tony turn towards each side of the ring, posing for all of the fans in attendance...when all of a sudden Drek Stone hits the ring, NAILING MALIBU WITH A BELSHOT ACROSS THE HEAD~! COACH What!? Get him out of there! The cheers turn to boos in no time, as Stone takes Malibu out, shocking everybody! Zack rolls across the canvas, blood dripping from his forehead through his fingers, as Stone looks down on him. Tony dives into action, spinning Stone around to face him...but when he does, Stone cocks the belt in his hands again, and blasts TONY with a belt shot as well! COLE That son of a bitch! The most undeserving World Champion in history just ruined a great moment! Stone stands over the two fallen Originals, and slowly raises the belt in the air. To show his opinion, he spits on both Tony and Malibu, then looks into the hard camera and scowls, then smirks. COLE Leave it to Drek Stone to be the party crasher tonight! The World Champion has just taken out Zack Malibu and Tony Brannigan! COACH Who's gonna take HIM out, that's what I wanna know! COLE Well we know Zack wants him more than anything, but after what we heard earlier tonight, it could be anyone, because Drek Stone will be defending that title nonstop until School's Out, and IF he makes it there, then he's got to face Zack Malibu once again, whether he wants it or not! Stone exits the ring as OAOAST staff enter the scene, checking on both Tony and Zack, who have been busted open by the vicious attack by Stone. Stone backs up the aisle, his cocky swagger showing just how proud he is of his actions. Ending Anglemania as the World Champion wasn't enough, but now tonight, on the five year anniversay of the OAOAST, he shows what levels he's willing to stoop to, all while rubbing the fact that he's World Champion in our faces. Fade to black

We're transported to a lavishly decorated dressing room, resplendent with gorgeous furniture, elaborately arranged bouquets of flowers, and intricately styled paintings. The flooring, however, stands out in morose contrast to the lovely surroundings, as it's been littered with a terrible bounty of half eaten brownies, cookie crumbs, mushed snack cakes, and an innumerable amount of empty wrappers that once contained various fattening foods. One's first guess might be to assume Jivin JR has gone overboard in his celebration of the oaoast's birthday. But when the camera swivels around it spots the despondent figure of Krista Isadora Duncan, in the unusually drab attire of black sweat pants and white t-shirt, lying on a leather couch, her normally beautiful face, beaten by an incredible sadness. Within seconds, her partner, Ally bursts through the door. Wearing a skinny green and white striped A&F polo shirt, and heavily destroyed cropped jeans, Alix has her good mood erased when she eyes the landfill of garbage that's taken over her dressing room. ALIX Woah! Oh my god, Krissy. Are...you...kidding me? Ally carefully steps through the minfield of snack treats, trying her best to mask her disgust and shock at Krista's uncharacteristic binging. Krista doesn't even bother to acknowledge Alix's arrival, her eyes preoccupied with an infinite sadness. ALIX Eww, Krissy this is ri-donk-ulous! Like, seriously, this is the grossest thing ever. Tell me this is, like, some sort of performance art piece that I'll never in a twenty gazillion years be smart enough to understand, but will love you forever for anyway. Change that to hate you forever, as Alix notices that among all the cookie wrappers not a one says Miss Spezia's Sweeties. ALIX Snackwells cookies? Oh my god, Krista, if you're gonna go for the Carny Wilson pre-gastric bypass surgery look, can you least give Miss Spezia's Sweeties a little business? Why are you eating all this junk anyway? KRISTA Because when I called the hospital to send over some sort of IV to just pump the lard and sugar into my viens they hung up on me. The normally spaced out Alix has a grounding realization as to the source of Krista's mental malaise. ALIX Ooooooh, I get it, you're crazy upset about the whole Jade, Enterprise thingie, huh? KRISTA Upset? Me? No, perish that thought! Perish it! I am in no way shape or form, or formed shape, or shaped form upset. Gah! I can't believe you would even suggest that, Al! I am “rip out Theodore Moneymaker's intestines with a rusted screwdriver and use them to skip rope and floss my dogs teeth with” pissed off right now. But upset? Heavens no, my sweet, heavens no. ALIX Awwww, poor baby! With a heavy sigh, Ally lifts Krista's head off the couch, and situates it onto her lap as she sits down to console the soul sick woman. ALIX Just because you wanna use Theo's intestines as a lasso, doesn't mean you gotta act like Indiana Jones and raid the lost temple of Frito Lay. Krissy, you're supposed to be the queen of fitness. Don't you have an example to set for the millions of people around the world who model their lives after you, and who's millions of dollars keep us in that nice ten million dollar home, and keep us driving that brand new BMW, that I just told you I bought right at this exact moment. Oopsie! Anyway, you can't just start inhaling eighty billion ice cream cakes. That'd be like the king of soul, James Brown selling out and doing a show for redneck WCW. That'd never happen! Oh wait. Bad example. While Alix laments her failure to chastise Krista, the fitness queen sprays what's left of a bottle of cheese whiz into her mouth. ALIX Okay, I got something that's really gonna get your spirts off...er, up, well, both actually. Alix leans in close to Krista and whispers into her ear. Whatever Alix said, the words have the magic touch and begin to pry away the veil of sadness clogging Krista's mind. KRISTA Really? You'll do that? Well, I mean, I guess it wouldn't kill me to take a little time out from my fast moving relationship with this debilitating depression. ALIX (seductivly) I've even got a costume. Suddenly Krista perks up with excitement, forgetting for the moment her emotional distress. KRISTA Janet from Three's Company? ALIX Even better! Horshack! KRISTA The Sweathog? ALIX My favorite one! He sure gave that Principal Woodman all he can handle Ooo! Ooo ooo! Mistah Kottah! Mistah Kottah! Waaaaait a second, that's it! That's what I'll name my strip club! Arnold's Horshack! Isn't amazing how these just come to me? Uh, what we're we just doing? Oh, yeah wallowing in self pity. Um...you smell nice. What are you wearing? KRISTA Valentino Rock N Rose. ALIX Oh, oh, oh, very butch. Smelling is a really, really, powerful thing. Did ya know that? Yessir, the queen of all the senses. Sight is just the bouncing of light, hearing is only filtering sound waves, touch is way crude and hella overrated. But smell is little teeny weeny molecules, a lil part of someone floating through the air and entering you, whether you want it or not. And if ya don't like it, POOF, vamoose, no more, rejected just like that. But if you do like this other person, entering you, becoming part of your senses, then the nose tells the heart-the mind, the body-what it wants. And then taste, the tongue, explores, finding out what's edible, or maybe what's most delectable about this soul that's invaded your air. KRISTA Do you know what I smell? I smell a cesspool of two bit scumsucking shitheels. I smell a sewer of insignificant dried out little turds who might as well have killed Jade, one of our best friends in front of our very eyes. And now the corpse of the girl we once knew is rotting away in the revolting bowels of The Enterprise. And unless you can do something to bring her back, and I don't think you can, there's nothing that can be done to make me feel any better. ALIX Okie dokie artichokie. Strike two, Alix. How about ya go for the big strikeout, you're doing famously terrible so far. I know what would really cheer you up, Krissy! Why don't I bust out the Ipod and we can rock out to Dark Side of the Moon? KRISTA (more depressed then before) Yeah, right. Pink Floyd sucks. ALIX KRISTA You heard me. White trash trucker music. ALIX (trying to soothe her burning rage) Okay, just because you're a little bit angry right now doesn't mean you have to be blasphemous. Suddenly there's a knock on the door, and thank the lord for that because otherwise we were about to see the break up of Chicks Over Dicks over an overrated, intellectually pompous rock band. Ally, being the only one with the willpower to get up, goes to answer the door. She isn't at all surprised to find that the source of the knocking comes from D*LUX. Without their manager, Jade, the two boys look like lost puppies caught in a rainstorm. Their eyes are filled with sadness, and their faces sag with a permanent frown of deep depression. ALIX Hiya, boys. Uh, hella bad news. I'm sorry, but Krissy's feeling kinda not so hot about the whole you know who doing you know what, so I think we're just gonna have to cancel my erotic pottery class tonight. Okie dokie? Tyler, don't look like that! I know you laid out the blueprints for the cervix and everything, but mother's day is months away, there's plenty of time to make her the world's creepiest gift. TYLER That does kind of stink. But we're really here to talk to you know who about you know who doing you you know what, so we know who can stop doing we don't know what when we don't know why? ALIX Ooooookay, do you see the pink liquidy stuff running out my nose right now? That's my brains that you just melted. So while I take my shirt and wipe up my Temporal lobe, why don't you bitchin' dudes tell me what's up? Trying to speed this doorway conversation along, Shayne buts in front of Tyler to get to the point. SHAYNE We have to talk to Krista about Jade and The Enterprise, Ally. ALIX Yeah, I don't really think you wanna, ya know, mention that for the next, oh I don't know, half century. Unless you're totally stoked on possibly having your testicles crammed into your esophagus. And some guys are, I don't really judge. It's how my dad put me through college. TYLER Please, Alix. We just need some help, we're so lost right now. It's been such a hard week. We know you understand. Tears begin to form in the corners of Tyler's eyes, which truly touches Alix's heart, because when a man cries it's beautiful thing. Truly. Honestly. Patty ain't bullshiting here. Let's cry together and forever. ALIX Well, Krista always says I don't turn anything down but the covers, so go-go Gadget Go. It's your funeral. Or, to be more accurate it's your rapidly decaying bodies through the use of flesh mleting acids, that I'll be throwing over a bridge after she chokes you to death with Chunky Monkey ice cream. Granted permission by Krissy's caretaker for the night, Shayne and Tyler dart into the room, kneeling before Krista's dejected spirit as though she were a holy deity able to make everything right. SHAYNE Miss Krista, Miss Krista, thank god we found you! KRISTA You say that like I was hard to find. You could've looked in a muddy ditch, a bar, the dumpster behind the bar, detox, a Weezer concert, or any other place where the the emotionally shattered, or the mentally forlorn go to wait for the chilling arrow of death to pierce the cancerous blackness that was once their heart. Or Dairy Queen, I like Dairy Queen. TYLER Miss Krista, we really need your help, Leon isn't here, he's MIA. And you're the only one with any brains around here. What can we do about Jade? We need some ideas because this situation is tearing our heats apart. When you..you...invest all your trust, and your love, and your hopes into someone, and you make them family, and they just turn around and without warning or any signs, jam a knife straight into your gut, that kills you. Not suddenly, not even quickly, but there is a strong hint of death as you trudge through life without the person who pretty much left you to die. SHAYNE He's right. This has been pure murder, like the slowest death sentence ever enacted. Every morning I wake up, and I think that we're going to meet Jade at the gym, or at the arena, that this isn't real, that this is only a terribly impossible dream. And it takes me long minutes to understand that this is our new reality. And I hate it! I can't stand it anymore. I've cried myself to sleep every night since Jade left. ALIX (hugging Shayne and Tyler) Awwwww that's so adorable. You dudes are so the sweetest things ever! KRISTA Yes, how deliciously charming. The lesbians and the teenage lady boys who cry beside them. We're ready for our own Lifetime special. Or our own little section reserved in hell. Same thing. I'm sure Regan and McCarthy will welcome us with open arms and bouquets of roses and kisses. Not having any idea who McCarthy is (damn public schools), Tyler continues to prod Krista for help. TYLER What are we going to do Miss Krista? KRISTA That all depends on whether or not physician assisted suicide is legal in this country. Taken by a sudden surge of male bravado, Shayne shoots his body off the floor and through trembling voice announces a rather brave idea. SHAYNE I say we meet The Enterprise in the ring, take them on four on five and get Jade back by force! They hurt us emotionally? Then let's hurt them physically! KRISTA If you're looking to kill yourself there are much better ways to do so then suicide by getting power bombed into an announce table by a three hundred pound ex convict named CPA. Trust me I've attempted many of them. Your problem is, you still think of The Enterprise like it's an actual stable, a collection of people that can be pinned, submitted or somehow defeated. You fail to realize that The Enterprise is no more then a stable then Ebola, The Avian Flu or SARS is a stable. The Enterprise is a virus. It's a virus that knows itself. And try as you precious little scamps might, you can't kill a virus that knows itself. All you can do is cry and then smile, because you'll learn to respect this incurable virus, because you'll learn to identify with it. Determined lowlife. Just like the rest of us. TYLER Then what we can do? KRISTA Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Because Jade, mind, body and soul is now a registered trademark of the most evil, twisted, viscous bastard to ever snort coke in the Lincoln Bedroom, Theodore Moneymaker. My advice to you would be to forget the name Jade Rodez ever entered your mind. Leave the company, and fight every urge in your heart to look back with your last dying breath. You're talented kids, I'm sure you can land a new gig somewhere else. What do other people in your family do? What about your brother, Tyler? TYLER Uh....he's gay. KRISTA That's his job? That's what he does for a living? I've been at this for years, and I haven't seen a dime! I've seen everything else, fortunately and unfortunately, I gotta call someone, where's my gay4pay? Alright, Shayne, you weren't always in in a profession that predestined you die of a steroid induced heart attack before the age of forty, what did you do for a living before you got here? SHAYNE Computer school. KRISTA I asked you what you did for a living and you said computer school? So jobs requiring the usage of the braincells you may or may not have are obviously a no-go, which I guess, explains your current employment as professional wrestler. We'll find something. In the meantime, and I say this because I like you more then most men, which means if given the choice of drinking the unflushed toilet water in a New York City Subway or having to talk to you, I'd still choose the bowl of Man chowder, but I'd feel very guilty about it. Please try and forget about Jade. It's the best thing you can possibly do for yourselves. I'm sorry. And just know that when you do inevitably not follow these words wisdom, because no one ever listens to me, and you're ground into the tiniest Justin Timberlake impersonators in the country by the heel of Mackenzie's shoe, I'll will be there to put you back together so you can try and fail again. Now if you'll excuse me I have to prepare to be treated to the incredibly awesome match between the Militia and NRG. And I by incredibly awesome I mean mind-bendigly awful, and by treated to I meant tortured with, and by NRG, I mean....I guess I mean NRG. Happy birthday oaoast: Hope ya like shit! Shayne and Tyler sigh inwardly and bury their heads into the couch, more confused and lost then ever before. Ally tries to pressure Krista to say something motivational or inspirational, but she seems much to busy trying to peel away the wrapper on her block of cookie dough. After departing the COD dressing room, the view is returned to sold out GM Place. Standing within the center of the squared circle is newcomer to the oaoast Maggie Nerdly, in a black skirt and a black Led Zepplin t-shirt. Within her hands is microphone and it appears she'll be playing the role of Michael Buffer for this tag team contest. MAGGIE NERDLY What's up, Vancouver, BC?! “YEAAAAAAA!” MAGGIE OAOAST fifth anniversary! You excited to be here? “YEAAAAAAA!” MAGGIE Then let's get going with a tag team match! COLE That's really a very nice young lady. So positive and energetic. COACH And so very, very fine. God damn, she can get it. Dimepiece to say the least. These fans wouldn't know like I do, most they've ever been with was a rusty penny with a hole in it. And don't be saying nothing about age, Cole, if she's old enough to crawl, she in the right position. The house lights morph into a spooky darkness, as the arena is given light only by a humming green buzz shining around the entrance stage. The electronic prelude of Gavin Rossdale's ode to testosterone Adrenaline is heard loud and clear over the state of the art system. Those in the crowd that recognize the music bring a celebration of applause to the arena air. The black entrance doors marked by the OAOAST logo strewn across the front rip apart, and give birth to a small assortment of cheers from the audience members who are quited delighted to see NRG. Biff Atlas, sporting a crown made entirely of leaves, and a barely there hula skirt to cover up his ripped lower body , enters first, waving his fist towards the supportive crowd. Flex Phillips trails behind him, wearing bold aqua tights with the letters NRG etched across the back. The duo join hands and foist their arms into the air as a series of ten foot high blue pyro missiles explode around them. COLE Some say that the members of NRG have million dollar bodies but ten cent brains. There's no arguing their physiques are to die for, but washboard abs, and gorgeous pecs can only take you as far as my back seat. In the oaoast you need skill, grit and determination. I happen to know NRG has all three of those things but it hasn't translated into many wins. Maybe they'll be able to score a victory as we celebrate our fifth anniversary. MAGGIE This first team is made up of Venice Beach's Biff “Shampoooooo” Atlas and the most pumped up dude to ever come out of Fort Lauderdale, Florida, Flex Phillips! Vancouver, give it up for Nutritions Real Gurus....N-R-G! No sooner then Maggie completes her announcement does Adrenaline cut away and all attention is focused upon the arrival of NRG's fearsome opponents. The metallic opening of Cross That Line by Rick Ross fills the arena with an urban scented dread. As the audience murmurs with anticipation, the formerly bright lights delve into a troubling blue hue. Convict....Convict....Convict Up front Yeah.... Convict Music While the haunting piano melody heightens the tension in the venue, scenes of The South Central Militia's special brand of havoc blaze across the Angletron, showing the alarmed fans what type of savage aggression the men who are soon to arrive are capable of. Oooooh ooooh oooooh If you ever cross that line I guarantee ya there'll be nothin' to save ya (save ya, save ya) I got a whole bunch of gorillas ready to pull the trigga And we all for that paper (paper) Comin' from a life of crime Tryna be on my best behavior You see my rep's gettin' bigger but still that same nigga bustin' shots at them haters (them haters, them haters) But only if you cross that line The colossal bass of Rick Ross' street anthem booms through the venue, heralding the arrival of the tag team title challengers. The entrance doors split apart, and jeers rise into the air as The South Central Militia steps through a cloud of smoke to take position on the entrance ramp. Wearing a pair of flared Red Monkey Jeans, decorated by a Chinese feudal map, and a black LRG throwback track jacket, Vincent Santana throws his arms out to his side, and unleashes a feral howl into the night sky. Blue and white lights glimmer beautifully across his sleek body as he releases his enormous rage upon the world. His partner, wearing Artful Dodger Jeans with a blue gothic pattern on the side, and a t-shirt boasting a giant symbol of a grenade, stands in solemn menace, intimidating any unlucky enough to meet his gaze. MAGGIE And now walking down the aisle with a mean gangster lean, they are the team that's gonna try and kick NRG's butts! From South Central Los Angeles, they are two men who'd just as soon shoot you as look at you, Vincent “Whitaaaaay” Santana, Marcellus “One-Eye” Wallace, THE SOUTH CENTRAL MILLITIAAAAAAAA! The spectators welcome the end of the introduction with more disdain for these sickening goons. Quite dissimilar to many teams, who usually don't pay attention to such disrespect from the audience, the natives of South Central dish out verbal trashing to each attendee they encounter until they reach the squared circle. They dive into the ring, and ascend to opposite turnbuckle where their fists pump into the air in defiant triumph. The camera rotates around their rebellious ritual, as the chilling blue lights continue to dance along the ringside area. COLE Former tag team champions, The South Central Militia were, believe it or not, still in prison the day of the oaoast's first show. I'm not even sure if they were allowed to watch the oaoast in their maximum security facility. But things have improved slightly for them since those fateful years, as they've picked up a short title reign, and have hung with some of the toughest teams in the world. But if they hope to remain in title contention a victory over NRG is a must. DING DING DING The affair begins with Biff extending a hand in respect towards One Eye. Wallace, as usual, is not in a sporting mood, and responds with a clubbing forearm to Atlas' back. The strike fails to floor Biff, which proves to be to his disadvantage, because Wallace is given the chance to whip him into the cables. Upon his return, the hula skirted brawler is shot into the air with a back body drop. But he avoids disaster by extending his legs forward and dropkicking Marcellus to the canvas. In celebration of his minor victory, Atlas does a bit of comedic hula dancing. While the audience seems to enjoy his clumsy dance moves, a long haired demon by the name of Vinny Santana is less then entertained. Shooting through the gates of hell, Vincent drives a pitchfork in the form of a lariat into the back of his rival. Watching his partner go down in flames draws Flex Phillips into the affair, but his path is halted by Charles Robinson. With the official distracted, the crew from the mean streets of LA double team poor Biff with savage stomps and elbows. And by the time the referee is made aware of the cheating, only Vinny remains in the ring. “SOUTH CENTRAL! IF YA HEAR ME GET YA MOTHER FUCKIN' HANDS UP!” Whitey bellows through cupped hands. This being far removed from south central, very few hands get up. What does get up is a number of boos from the sellout audience. Ignoring the jeers, Whitey brings Biff to his feet. What he can't ignore is the army of punches Biff is lobbing into his scrawny chest. Thus he's forced to resort to a headbutt. The move draws a bit of a blood, but from not Atlas, rather it's from Vinny. Smiling sheepishly, Biff points to the source of Vinny's cut, the thorns that outline his leaf covered crown. “Oh, you dead now.” Vincent mutters, clenched teeth almost turning into fangs. He surges forward with a lariat, but has it ducked by the oddball grappler. He turns around to throw the same move, but is instead dropped with a Lou Thez press! Punches begin to come rapid fire upon his goateed face, as the crowd delights in his mistreatment. “KILL WHITEY! KILL WHITEY! KILL WHITEY!” they scream. Those chants seem to be all the motivation Vincent needs, and with a beet red face he shoves his assailant off his skinny body. “KILL WHITEY?” He wonders. “AIN'T NO ONE KILLING THIS NO LIMIT THUG” He proclaims, beating his hands into his chest. Biff is unintimadted by these boastful words and makes a charge towards his rival. Unfortunately he's taken into the sky with a flap jack. Though he lands with a thud on the canvas, he can at least take comfort in knowing that he was able to tag in Flex before his landing. Phillips hits the ring and serves a knuckle sandwich to Vinny. Unhappy with that meal, Vince returns the favor with an elbow strike and soon a full on slugfest erupts in NRG's corner. But it's Flex getting the upperhand with a knee strike to Vinny's midsection. With the thug doubled over, Flex quickly moves to the second rope then flies off with shoulder tackle. A pin shortly follows. ONE TWO Vincent kicks out and immediately rises to his feet. Flex meets him with a pair of knife edge chops but his moment of offense is brutally cut-short by a surprise Whiteout (X-Factor). A crazed procession of stomps to Flex's head follows, each accompanied by lewd trash talk from the thirty three year old Californian. Once he's done with his stomps, Vincent scrapes Flex off the canvas and leads him to his corner where he applies the tag to his partner in crime, One-Eye Wallace. Unfortunately for the SCM, their planned double team dies before it's even born, as Flex bashes both of their heads together! This garners quite the reaction from the fans who chant “MILITIA SUCKS! MILITIA SUCKS!” COLE If they had any brains to begin with that might've scrambled them. One Eye is able to recover quicker then his associate, and as such succeeds in knocking Flex over the top rope with a lariat. Despite not being very agile, Phillips lands on his aqua colored wrestling boots. But he's quickly taken off those boots by a devastating running baseball slide from Vincent Santana. Snarling with primal satisfaction, Vinny eyes down a wounded Flex ready to throw him into the jaws of the steel barricade. But a charging Biff Atlas rescues his partner by using the ring steps as a launching pad to slam a BUTT bump into his unaware rival! “MILITIA SUCK! MILITIA SUCK!” the fans repeat, while the baby face stands above the fallen Vincent, spanking the tightly toned booty that's scarcely able to be covered by the skimpy hula skirt. COACH Why does he have to wear that stupid thing? COLE If Krista or Maggie or Staci or Lindsay were wearing it you wouldn't mind. COACH You say that like it's a bad thing. Flex rolls back into the squared circle but isn't able to capitalize on the unorthodox high flying of his partner; Marcellus locks him into a rear chinlock. The hold is tight, and One-Eye makes no bones about his intent to rip Phillips' thick neck clear off his body. Despite repeated warnings from the official, Wallace continues to push the bounds of legality, moving his chinlock into a chokehold. Somehow Flex is able to move to his feet, and while there he begins shooting a parade of elbows into One Eye's ribs. The seventh strike turns into a charm and grants Phillips his freedom, and he puts it to excellent use by bowling over One Eye with the Flex Express, which is best described as a Running Benoit Attack. I don't actually know what that is, but it does allow Phillips to attempt a pin on his rival. ONE TWO But Marcellus' shoulder is off the canvas! “TRY AGAIN! TRY AGAIN!” sing the fans who obviously can't stand The Militia. Flex would listen to their advice, however there's the tricky problem of One Eye not only being on his feet, but charging towards him with a running knee strike! Thankfully for the few NRG fans in attendance, Flex avoids the deathly attack, but he fails to maneuver past the Silver Bullet (Samoan Spike)! Phillips cries out in agony, as Marcellus' commensurates his move with a less then graceful bird dance. While One Eye is making a total ass of himself, Flex heads upright. Marcellus eyes his ascent and moves to meet him with an axe handle smash. But Flex clamps into a front facelock before the blow can land. He takes Wallace off his feet with a vertical suplex and plants him into the canvas, much to the pleasure of the sold out crowd. While One-Eye tries to cope with the intense pain in his back, his foe makes his way to his corner to bring Shampoo into the match. The Hair fetishist waits patiently for the groggy One Eye to stagger upright, and when he finally does, Atlas unleashes a springboard shoulder block upon him! But One Eye counters the high flying assault by cranking his arm around Biff's head and pummeling him into the canvas with a ddt! Biff's pain is enormous but it's only added to by the mounted punches his enemy slams into his forehead. COLE One-Eye looks like he's trying to bust him wide open! And he might have succeeded, had Flex Phillips not interjected himself into the fracas with a stomp to his rival's back. One-Eye is able to keep his temper in check long enough to forget about Flex's bothersome antics and maintain his focus on Biff. He thrusts the lovable goof into a front face lock, then uses his strength to drag him into the skies for a suplex. Instead of timbering downwards, the brute holds Atlas upside down in the air, showcasing his incredible power. After several seconds and a number of begruding Ooos and Ahhs from the crowd, One Eye falls backwards and spikes his opponent into the mat. Wallace then floats over onto the battered bones of Biff Atlas for a quick cover. ONE TWO But Atlas gets his shoulder off the mat, pleasing the fans in the process. One Eye leads Atlas to his feet, where he takes hold of his wrist to Irish whip Shampoo across the ring. Atlas reverses the momentum, however, and it's One Eye who's flung into the far turnbuckles instead... but the savage thug merely springs to the top turn buckle, then shoots back at his rival to lacerate him with a diving clothesline! COACH These dudes is looking sharp as they work their way back towards a title shot! Leaving Atlas to nurse his busted bones, One-Eye journeys to his corner and and returns Vincent to the affair with a tag. Whitey tucks his adversary into a tightly held reverse headlock. He then then sinks to one knee, using the other as knife to jab into Shampoo's neck. Still holding onto his battered rival, Vincent stands up, and this time falls to both knees to pulverize Biff with an inverted ddt. He drapes his arm across Biff's heaving chest for a pivotal pinfall. ONE TWO But Biff kicks out, earning applause from Flex and a few fans in the first three rows. “KILL WHITEY! KILL WHITEY!” the audience screams with vigorous passion. As he makes his way atop the highest turnbuckle, Vincent treats the vexatious crowd to a slew of profanity laced insults, not mincing any words as he let's them no what he thinks of their chants. His words only cause their insults and threats to grow louder, and internally he has to admit defeat, knowing he'll never be able to silence the glut of naysayers in his midst. Now standing on the top turnbuckle, he moves to take out his anger on Shampoo, launching himself off the top rope with a leg drop! But the high risk move has absolutely zero reward, for Biff rolls his body out of Vinny's path! “YEAAAAAA!” Whitey tries to clamber back upright, but the massive pain clogging his joints is too much to bear and slows him down considerably. Eventually he does make it to his feet but is promptly assaulted with a spinning back fist from the resurgent bodybuilder. The powerful strike staggers the Californian into the ropes , which bounce him right back into an exploder suplex courtesy of Biff “Shampoo” Atlas! COLE Did you see that suplex from Biff Atlas? What power! And so the great work of tagging in Flex begins in earnest for Biff. Unfortunately for him, Vinny isn't as nearly as crippled by the exploder as one would think, and just seconds after the move's completion has already begun stirring. Thus Biff is forced to worm across the canvas with grand speed, pushing away the pain in his neck and limbs. He finally reaches Phillips and a hot tag is made! Flex leaps over the ropes, a six foot three ball of HGH ingesting fire, and utilizes his brute strength to run through the incoming Vincent with a lariat! His furious gaze then sets it's sight onto Marcellus, who's tentaivly entering the squared circle. But before a clothesline can skewer One Eye's already less then pleasing facial features, the ex-convict makes a desperate plea for mercy. He points towards his coffee colored skin, then motions towards Flex's similarly colored complexion, and with sorrow filled eyes asks Flex to “please stop the black on black violence”. COACH Powerful message right there from One Eye. Tell it like it is, man. Gotta unite! In a move that's sure to infuriate Jesse Jackson, Flex ignores the call for racial unity and hoists Wallace into the sky in a gorilla press slam set up. As he screams in savage pleasure, and his vein filled body trembles with adrenaline, the audience marvels at his impressive show of strength. But they don't get the chance to see his move to completion, thanks to Vincent Santana rearranging the bodybuilder's face with a superkick! The powerful blow forces One Eye out of his tormentor's grasp, and into a lateral press. The second the pairing hits the mat, Robinson moves into position to count the resulting fall. ONE TWO But Biff Atlas overjoys the anti-SCM fanbase by breaking up the count with a running elbow drop. However, he's given no chance to bask in their cheers, as he must deal with Vincent Santana, rampaging towards him with a spear! Atlas leapfrogs Whitey, and the stringy haired thug is expelled through the ring ropes, much to the crowds' enormous glee. Somehow he's able to shift his legs in midair to land on his BAPE shoes and avoid a fatal collision. But this simply leaves him as a sitting duck for Biff Atlas' diving lariat to the outside! Whitey is able to move out of the way at the last possible moment, but Biff, owing to a criminally underrated agility, manages to plant himself firmly on his bare feet. When Vincent turns around to witness the pleasing sight of the hula skirted brawler splattered onto the mats, his vision is engulfed by an open handed palm strike from the crown prince of hair care! Santana recoils, several yellowed teeth dislodged by the ferocity of Atlas' strike. A spinning back elbow piles additional misery into his wounds, and would've knocked him clear off his feet were it not for the fact that he held onto the announce table for support. Detecting blood in the water, Biff attempts to devour his pray by surging forward to crush him with the Biff Upper Lip(running knee strike). But Vincent calls upon a surge of energy to collar him with a leg lariat! Biff is left stunned and dazed by the move, the momentum he had all but evaporated. COLE Biff got his clock cleaned by that kick! Letting loose a liberal stream of profanity, Vincent drags Biff to his feet, where he violently slams the man's head into the steel ring steps. A loud thud travels throughout the arena as Biff's flesh is torn by the jagged metal. Through the searing pain, Atlas makes an attempt to head upright, but it's an effort that's easily squashed by a clubbing forearm from Whitey Ford. Vinny isn't done with his decimating of Atlas, however, and snatches the bell away from the time keeper, giving rise to anticipating murmurs from the more bloodthirsty audience members. Taken with youthful curiosity, Maggie leaves her seat to get an up close inspection of the grizzly fate that's about to befall Shampoo. COACH Maggie, what are you doing, it's dangerous near those animals! Come over to Coach's lap where it's nice and safe. Atlas evades certain doom for a brief moment when he stabs his elbow into Whitey's midsection. The nutrition expert then rises to his full five feet eight inches in order to mount a counter attack against weapon wielding foe. Punches blaze across a dazed Vinny's face, as the capacity crowd roots the goofball from SoCal on. But after the sixth strike, Vincent becomes numb to the procession of attacks and finally obliterates Biff's skull with the brass ring bell! COLE No! That's uncalled for! “OOOOOOOH!” scream the crowd, stunned by the viciousness of Vinny's attack. The Venice Beach native plummets to the canvas, trailed by a geyser of his blood. The warm red goo splatters everywhere, landing atop the sadistic Santana, on the floor, the edge of the ring apron and even onto the suddenly surprised Maggie. Despite the gory assault that just occurred in front of her onyx eyes, Maggie holds a small smile on her face as her hands wipe away the blood from her black outfit. Looking down on the crimson liquid that runs through her hands brings a sharper smile into focus on the lovely young lady, but once she realizes that the camera is on her, her look turns to that of grave concern for the fallen Atlas. COLE I think Maggie is just excited to be witnessing all this great oaoast action! Meanwhile back in the ring (yes there's still a match going on!), Flex has his hands latched onto One-Eye's neck for his signature choke breaker. But the always underhanded, Wallace escapes the hold by simply driving his steel toed boot into the middle of Phillips' testicles. Neither the referee, nor the howling Flex approve of his questionable tactic, but One-Eye ignores their grousing as he gives Flex a taste of his own medicine, by setting him up for the chokebreaker. The situation grows even worse for Phillips when One-Eye's partner rejoins him in the ring and attaches his own hands onto Flex's neck. In spite of a round of spirited thrashing from the bodybuilder, the SCM succeed in picking him up and destroying him with The Bodybag (Double chokeslam)! COACH Oh snap! With Flex reduced into a puddle of quivering flesh, One Eye places a boot onto his chest to mark an arrogant cover. While Silverman counts the cocky fall, Vincent parades around the ring, flashing gang signs to the heated Canadians. ONE TWO THREE!! The fans voice their displeasure for the outcome with groans and boos, but their disgust matters not to The SCM who celebrate their win by mugging for the camera and throwing up more gang signs for their gangstas back home and in the cell block. MAGGIE Lemmme hear ya for the winners, The South Central Milishaaaaaaaa! COLE The Militia picking up an important win on HeldDOWN!. A loss to NRG would've been a major set back as they look to return to the tag title scene in the oaoast. By winning they've proven that they can easily handle the lower echelon of teams... COACH It don't get much lower then NRG. Them fools is hot...hot garbage! COLE Perhaps, but Biff Atlas is in dire need of medical attention and when we return we hope to have an update of his condition. COMMERCIAL BREAK

And now, another OAOAST 5th Anniversary Moment COLE We're back on HeldDOWN as we celebrate five years of the OAOAST. That Stairway to Hell match was a brutal classic between two great stars in Alfdogg and Peter Knight. COACH But what was that WDW buisness all about earlier? COLE I have no idea, Coach. I remember some smaller federations being spun off from the OAOAST, but I thought they all fizzled out. "You break the laws You hustle, you deal, you steal from us all Come on come on, lovin' for the money Come on come on, listen to the Money talk Come on come on, lovin' for the money Come on come on, listen to the Money talk Money talks" "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COACH Oh boy! COLE Well, this should be most interesting. AC/DC's "Money Talks" brings the crowd to their feet, eager to show off their fancy signs and banners (why do people always use bright green and bright pink!?), most of which reading along the lines of 'Why Jade, Why'. And with a little patience they may just find out, as The Enterprise pile out through the entrance doors en mass, including their newest acquisition. Jade looks distinctly different from when we last saw her, sporting a new hair colour and clad in a less than glamorous tracksuit she walks in between Theodore Moneymaker and Christian Wright at the front of the group. The Beverly Hills Blonds in their pastel blue suits and Mackenzie DeCenzo follow after them. And at the back of the group, the bigman, Christopher Patrick Allen marches with his head held high. BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome... THE ENTERPRISE!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE Well, technically The Enterprise had a less than impressive night last week at AngleMania, coming out 0 for 3. But as Theodore Moneymaker will claim to anyone willing to listen, The Enterprise came away with a psychological victory after their 'recruitment' of Jade Rodez. And hopefully we're going to get an explanation here tonigh as to why Jade has basically turned her back on everyone and everything she held close to her, to join up with Moneymaker and co. COACH What explanation do you need? It's all about the benjamins Cole, THAT'S the only explanation you need! The Enterprise converge on the ring and assemble in front of the booing crowd, the ring looking pretty full with the now seven Enterprise members. Dismissing Michael Buffer, Theodore Moneymaker takes the microphone and signals for the music to be cut, the booing that replaces it not bothering him in the slightest. Just the opposite infact. MONEYMAKER "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COACH They certainly don't look like losers, huh Mikey? MONEYMAKER Like music to my ears! Isn't it ironic, that rather than laugh The Enterprise out of the arena tonight, you impoverished Canadians are on your feet showing your jealousy just like all the other nine-to-fivers around the world? Isn't it ironic? I'm sure six days ago, you were all laughing away to yourselves at my expense. Chicks Over Dicks are still the OAOAST World Tag Team Champions. D*LUX are still the HI-YAH World Tag Team Champions. The Enterprise didn't win the gold at AngleMania. And yet, you people can't rub our faces in our own mess, because you realise that I possess more gold in my stately Money Manor than Fort Knocks itself! "C - O - D!" "C - O - D!" "C - O - D!" "C - O - D!" The crowd rise to chant the initials of the still Tag Team Champions. But even that can't campen The Enterprise's spirits. MONEYMAKER Then, you thought you could laugh at our expenses again, when my Directory Of Security Christopher Patrick Allen was eliminated from the Battle Royal. And yet, again, you people can't rub our faces in that either, because you realise that The Billion Dollar Heir has more Money In The Bank than even my close personal friend Donald Trump has! MUWAHAHAHAHA!! "C - O - D!" "C - O - D!" "C - O - D!" "C - O - D!" MONEYMAKER You see, you people can chant 'COD' all you want. But the fact is, COD aren't here and The Enterprise are. Why? Because right now, they're ASHAMED! They are ashamed, shame that cannot be consoled even with those OAOAST Tag Team Titles. They thought they could rub mine and Christian's faces into our defeat at AngleMania. And yet, it is they that are too ashamed to show their faces tonight! There will be no 30 minute monologues from those two gutter dwellers here in Vancouver. Because one way or another last night, they learnt one very valuable lesson, just like each and every single one of you nickel n' dimers did... MONEY TALKS!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE Sounds like these people don't agree. COACH Well, they have to pay for things in Canadian dollars, what do they really know about money? MONEYMAKER Money Talks and BS Walks! I know that! Ned Blanchard and Simon Singleton know that. Mackenzie DeCenzo knows that. They live the lifestyle they were born to lead, thanks to my wealth! Christian Wright knows that. His career has never been more promising than it has since joining up with The Enterprise! CPA knows that. His life has taken an upturn from the days of dealing with the great un-washed outside grotty nightclubs. Now, he frequents the VIP sections instead of just watching the door. And now, Jade Rodez knows what we all know! A warm round of applause sparks up from The Blonds and Mackenzie. Jade just continues to look ahead at nothing or no-one in particular, sullen. "D - LUX!" "D - LUX!" "D - LUX!" "D - LUX!" MONEYMAKER Jade Rodez realised that Money Talks! And the sooner each and every one of those never-were, never-will-be also-rans in that OAOAST locker room realise that, the better it will be for them. We sent a message to the world on Sunday night, that Money Talks, no matter WHO you are! No matter how 'honourable' you misguided, deluded blood-sucking fans believe your favourite 'superstar' is... no matter how much you cheer for them like the lemmings that you are... sooner or later, Money Talks for EVERYBODY! And tonight... Moneymaker ducks into the crowd of associated and leads CPA into the front. MONEYMAKER Tonight, you're all gonna get another lesson in the power of the almighty Billion Dollars! MUWHAHAHAHAHA! Bring out the jaybrone who thinks they can beat my man! Moneymaker drops the microphone and as the rest of The Enterprise begin to leave the ring... "You say its urgent Make it fast, make it urgent Do it quick, do it urgent Gotta rush, make it urgent" ..."Urgent" by Foreigner hits, bringing out the team from The OAOAST First Responders Unit, Rescue 911! EMT Tim marches behind Officer Bosley, who is the one dressed and ready to compete tonight. But both 911ers dish out the handslaps to the fans regardless. COLE Well, ahead of this match we caught up with Officer Bosley for some comments, let's hear what he had to say... OAOAST A small square box SWOOPS~ in and settles on the upper right hand side of the picture. There, Officer Bosley and EMT Tim stand in front of a grey OAOAST backdrop. OFFICER BOSLEY You know, myself and my partner EMT Tim Cash here have dealt with Mr. Moneymaker's greed and gluttony before. But even we were stunned at the actions of The Enterprise last Sunday night at AngleMania. Myself and Tim live by 3 basic principles: Serve the public's trust, protect the innocent, and uphold the law. Well, Theodore Moneymaker, you have continued to refuse to live by the standards and the practises that we uphold. You have broken the public's trust in what is fair and good. You have floughted the law. And where-as we look to protect the innocent, you exploit them. Well tonight Mr. Moneymaker, you and your cohorts are going to learn that crime doesn't pay! EMT TIM And to all you kids out there watching: remember, be good to your families. HELDDOWN~! Back to live action and Officer Bosley has stripped of his entrance attire and is ready to go. On the apron, Moneymaker whispers some last minute instructions in his Director Of Security's ear and pats him on the shoulder before joining the rest of his Enterprise on the floor. COACH Man alive, what a cornball this Bosley is! COLE He's an upstanding citizen, which is more than I can say for the six people gathered around the corner in front of us... well, five. I don't know what to make of Jade's involvement. Hell, that speech from Moneymaker didn't explain anything! COACH Sure it did. Money Talks. Do I have to draw you a diagram or something? *DINGDINGDING!* The bell sounds at referee Brian Hebner's call and CPA stalks towards Officer Bosley straight away. Bosley circles, trying to keep out of reach of the ex-bouncer. But he soon finds himself cornered and his eyes dart around looking for an escape, trying to dodge out left. Allen catches him though, barging him back into the corner, so Bosley tries to sneak out left. Same result, CPA simply manhandling the 265 pounder and rearing back ready to deliver a right hand. Which allows Bosley a window of escape, crawling out through CPA's legs and catching him as he turns around with a right of his own! Another! Three, four, five, Officer Bosley dishing out his own brand of justice tonight! "YYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" The crowd need little encouragement to get behind Bosley, especially with the rest of The Enterprise within earshot. Moneymaker looks a little anxious as Bosley whips CPA across the ring into the opposite corner. Turning on his heels, Bosley then follows in... but CPA gets his boot up! And as the Officer staggers backwards, CPA explodes out of the corner with a thundering clothesline!! MONEYMAKER "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE No finesse from Christopher Patrick Allen there. COACH He's not hired for finesse. He's hired to kick some ass and that's exactly what he does, else he wouldn't be on Theodore Moneymaker's payroll! CPA drags Bosley up by the hair and just HEADBUTTS him right in the side of the head! Into the corner falls Bosley, leant up against the middle turnbuckle, Moneymaker marching around ringside and putting the badmouth on the Officer! EMT Tim sees this and thinks about doing something about it, but he's woefully out-numbered and thinks better of it. COLE Intimidation tactics here from The Enterprise. I really don't see why any of these outside parties should even be at ringside, but I guess the referee feels it best to just get on with things. Again dragged up by the hair, Bosley is simply scooped and slammed in the centre of the ring by Christopher Patrick Allen. Now it's Ned leaning through the ropes and adding his own commentary to proceedings, as CPA backs off the ropes and drops a big elbow across the chest, leaning into a cover... 1... 2... No! "9 - 1 - 1!" "9 - 1 - 1!" "9 - 1 - 1!" "9 - 1 - 1!" On the outside EMT Tim starts up the chant in hopes of encouraging his partner, the Vancouver crowd jumping all over the chant the moment The Enterprise try and stop it. Meanwhile CPA whips Bosley off the ropes, lazily throwing his arm out with a clothesline. He doesn't reckon on Bosley's speed though as he ducks underneath and shoots back off the ropes, soaring through the air with a Diving Clothesline that knocks the bigman off his feet! "YYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" COLE There we go, a little bit of encouragement from Bosley! Climbing back to his feet, Bosley waits on CPA, encouraging him to get back to his feet. Around turns CPA, right into a dropkick from the Officer! A second dropkick puts CPA down as soon as he reaches his feet! And a third time CPA gets dropped, Bosley pumping his fist as the adrenaline begins to flow! Moneymaker pounds the apron, yelling at CPA to get it together as he turns into Bosley, aiming high with a Roundhouse Kick... BLOCKED! Allen catches the leg over his shoulder and hauls Bosley up onto his shoulders for a Powerbomb... ...but Bosley leans back and COUNTERS with a Hurricanrana, reaching back for the legs... 1... 2... NO!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Bosley looks suprised but doesn't question his fellow dictator of the law Brian Hebner. He again encourages CPA to his feet, brushing past him on his way to the ropes as he springboards to the middle rope and soars backwards for the elbow... ...CAUGHT... ...and DUMPED right on the back of his head, as CPA counters the elbow with a big back suplex!! "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" COLE MAN! What a suplex from the bigman! He folded Bosley up on that one! The Enterprise (apart from Jade) all applaud that one, as Bosley uncoils and lies motionless on the canvas. CPA shows little emotion though as he lifts Bosley right back up and dumps him into the ropes. This time on the rebound there's no signs of evasion from Bosley, as he gets scooped up into CPA's arms and drilled with a big-time Powerslam, dead centre in the middle of the ring! "TED - DY SUCKS!" "TED - DY SUCKS!" "TED - DY SUCKS!" "TED - DY SUCKS!" The Vancouver crowd get on Moneymaker's back for his celebrations over the move, CPA seemingly toying with the Officer now as he neglects to make a pin. COACH We didn't see much of it at AngleMania, but now we're seeing what CPA has to offer. Two big moves have totally turned the tide of this match. COLE Yes, Officer Bosley may be a tag team wrestler but he's still a 6'5, 265 pound opponent, that CPA looks about to put the finishing touches on. "LE - ON!" "LE - ON!" "LE - ON!" "LE - ON!" Peeling Bosley up off the canvas, CPA grabs him in a gutwrench. On the outside Moneymaker nods his head and Simon gives the signal that it's OVAH~! as CPA then deadlifts Bosley up onto his shoulder, carrying him around for just a couple of seconds before dropping to his knees and pancaking Bosley down to the canvas with the Dominator!! COACH DAMN! From there, it's academic, The Enterprise counting along... 1... 2... 3!! *DINGDINGDING!* COACH Impressive! Marching up the ring steps, applause rains down on CPA from Moneymaker as he enters the ring. CPA stands over Bosley, looking down at the Officer, as he earns pats on the back all around. BUFFER Your winner of the match... Christopher Patrick Allen, C... P... A!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Bosley is rolled out of the ring and tended to by EMT Tim, who certainly chose the right profession in his partner's eyes right now, as The Enterprise continue to lord it up in the ring. Demanding the microphone, Moneymaker grins from ear to ear as the music fades again. MONEYMAKER Just another example... Money Talks, B.S Walks!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! "Money Talks" hits again to the roaring jeers of the crowd. The Enterprise congratulate each other on a job well done, odd considering CPA did all the work, high-fiving and back-slapping all round before the group begin to make their way back to what will no doubt be a lavish celebration party. Jade is helped lady-like from the apron as is Mackenzie, Moneymaker pointing up to where EMT Tim is helping Bosley to the back and starting up one last laugh from the group. COLE The Enterprise at their pompous best here tonight here on our 5th Anniversary. And we are still no closer to knowing just why Jade Rodez turned her back and joined the ranks, no explanation. Jade strangely quiet here tonight. COACH The work you're looking for is dignified. COLE Oh please! I still want to know how she justifies herself, alligning herself with Theodore Moneymaker. Alligning herself with The Beverly Hills Blonds and Mackenzie DeCenzo, after all they've done to her in the past and the total humiliation they subjected her to when she was forced to be Ned's slave for 90 days! Why? That's what I want to know! And don't give me that 'Money Talks' nonsense, no amount of money could be enough to justify her actions! COACH Not even billions of dollars? COLE Well, I'd like to think not. COACH Then you're as deluded as these people that Teddy's trying to teach his lesson to. Money makes the world go around! Jade just realised that, that's all. COLE Well, in that case she's not the level-headed young girl we all thought she was. More to come here on HeldDOWN~! -------------------------------------------- *RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING* No more lessons No more books No more teacher's dirty looks! SCHOOL'S OUT May 27th --------------------------------------------- Suddenly, Medal hits and the crowd explodes as Anglesault, using a cane to help him walk, steps through the doors with a microphone in his hand. ANGLESAULT Ladies and gentlemen, I'd just like to take a moment here to come out and publicly say a few words of thanks. First and foremost, I have to thank everyone in that locker room that comes out to that ring and doesn't hold anything back for you fans. "YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" AS I'd like to thank everyone in the production crew. From the ring hands to the lighting people to the director in the truck, thank you for a tireless job making sure that every OAOAST program is of top quality when it is beamed to people around the world. "YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" AS But most of all, thank you to the fans for sticking with us through these five years. Without you, there would be no OAOAST, no Zack Malibu, no Anglesault, no HeldDOWN, no AngleMania. On behalf of everyone in the OAOAST family, THANK YOU!!! "YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" Medal hits again as a misty-eyed Anglesault looks around at the crowd. "O-A-O!!" "O-A-O!!" "O-A-O!!" "O-A-O!!" "O-A-O!!" "O-A-O!!" Commercial break

COACH People, it's no secret celebrities are just like you poor nameless losers at home, they love the oaoast! And why shouldn't they when my salary was slashed in half so the company could pay for Chicks Over Dicks to have Nelly Furtado and Avril Lavgine sing for their entrances at Anglemania. Anything for those two, they can have whatever they want. You think I can afford this shit?! I got three kids by three different women I should...(Coach trails off mumbling incoherently) COLE Uh....Let's take a look at just a small sampling of previous celebrity appearances from over the years. OAOAST HeldDOWN 4/20/06(on location at Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills) Her vindictive heart yearning for retribution, Alix takes tight hold of Mackenzie's long brown locks. She then moves her towards a parking meter, and angrily slams her face into the cold metal object! The collision generates a grotesque sound of metal meeting bone, as various spectators erupt with cheers for their hometown girl's offensive flurry. Alix replays the vile move, and a sharp scream leaves Mackenzie's crimson lips as her face thuds into the head of the meter. Delighted with the results of the previous two strikes, Alix tries repeat her sickening maneuver for a third time. However Mac is wholly opposed to another introduction to the parking meter, and frantically beats her elbows into Alix's midsection to ward off such an attack. The sixth and final elbow manages to secure her freedom, and she's quick to push her new found advantage. Taking hold of Alix's bra strap, she drags the kicking and screaming lass away from the meter and towards a parked Jaguar. Unlike the other cars that these women have vandalized through the 24/7 title match, this one happens to be currently attended to by it's owner. Shockingly, that owner happens to be none other then entertainment personality Jessica Simpson! Emptying her own shopping bags into the trunk of her car, Jessica looks up at the tornado of havoc that's approaching her, and gives Mackenzie a look that says she better take her fracas elsewhere. Unfortunately Mac doesn't lend much credence to the pop star's thinly veiled threats, and pushes the woman away from the open trunk in order to commandeer it for her own uses. Jessica reacts with incredulity, “Excuse me?” “Back off, I'll be done in a second.” Mac responds, as she starts to shove Alix into the trunk. “Hey, here's an idea! While you wait, maybe you can think of ways to get Nick to take you back, so you can resuscitate your DOA “career”. By the way, I saw Dukes Of Hazzard, and, honey, you act as bad as you dress. Thank you, drive through.” Thinking that she's put Jessica in her place, Mackie turns away from recording artist to put Alix in her's; inside the trunk. “Hey!” A booming voice rings inside of Mackenzie's ears. Mackenzie whirls around, stunned to see that Jess hasn't retreated with her tail tucked firmly in between her legs. Jessica lunges at Mackenzie and smacks her across the jaw with a thunderous punch! The stunned diva has the breath knocked out of her, and falls face first into the trunk! Alix steps back out onto street, eager to take advantage of Mackie's wounded state. Receiving enthusiastic assistance from Jessica, she dumps Mackenzie's entire body into the trunk. Despite her blurred vision Mac is able to determine what's transpiring, and attempts to escape Alix and Jessica's treacherous trap. But her speed is insufficient and Jessica quickly slams the trunk shut, sealing the bellowing and shouting woman within the vehicle. While the ex Mrs.Lachey dusts her hands off in satisfaction and delight, Alix hops onto the trunk “pinning” Mackenzie. Billy Silverman (remember him?) counts the unorthodox pinfall.. ONE TWO THREE!!! A raucous cheer erupts from the spectators, as Silverman makes the result official. “The winner, and still 24/7 champion, Alix Spezia!” “So what was all that for?” Jessica asks, confused as to why there's a woman buried inside her trunk. “What was all what for?” Alix's words come between deep and labored pants, as she drapes her body across the trunk. “You know, the referee, the crazy woman trying to kill you? You slept with her husband, didn't you?” “No, no, no! I'm the OAOAST 24/7 champion, and that means I can be attacked anytime and anywhere for my belt, just as long as there's a ref around to count the pinfall. I'm the only person in the universe who has to defend their title twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, fifty two weeks a year. Sooooooooo, that means if you really wanted to, you could probably attack me right now, kick my ass, and beco.....”Alix pauses when she notices a distinct gleam in Jessica's eye. “Ya know what? I gotta go! Thanks for everything! Tell Ashlee I said hi!” Even before the word hi leaves her lips, Alix is darting down Rodeo Drive to escape another title defense. ***** OAOAST HeldDOWN 6/19/03 Two cars come FLYING into the parking lot, nearly taking out the Tough Enough alumni, as Zack Malibu stands by, a smirk on his face. Zack takes a look at the suped up Mitsubishi Evo and the Spyder convertible, as Alison hops out of the passenger side of the purple convertible. A:"Found 'em, babe!" ZM:"So I see." The drivers of the cars step out, and it's PAUL WALKER and TYRESE of the hit movie 2 Fast 2 Furious~! Josh:"WOW! Paul Walker and Tyrese! Guys, I'm a HUGE fan..." The stars brush past Tough Enough Josh, and shake hands with Malibu. ZM:"Welcome guys, glad you could make it tonight." PW:"Hey man, you know we gotta Back The Zack, especially tonight." Tyrese:"Yeah dog, big match goin' down tonight, huh?" ZM:"You know it man." PW:"Yeah, so when's it at?" ZM:"I figure we can get this party started now." PW:"Yeah? Let's do it then!" Zack, Alison, Walker and Tyrese head inside, as Josh Matthews looks on in disbelief ***** Cut to a night time view of the city, as the yellow Mitsubishi Evo, driven by Paul Walker with Zack riding shot gun, is racing through the streets, dodging cars left and right, in order to catch up to a purple Spyder that was stolen from Tyrese by Edward Robbins, archenemy of Zack Malibu. ZM:"Thought you said you couldn't drive?" PW:"Hey, I learned some moves working on those two films. My biggest fear is death." ZM:"Psssh. Wuss." PW:"Wuss,huh?" Walker slams on the breaks and spins the car around, then starts driving through traffic IN REVERSE~!" ZM:"OK. 2 points for you." Walker continues to show off a bit, as Zack keeps his eye on the road. ZM:"THERE! THERE HE IS!" Zack spies Edward cutting up a side street. Walker spins out again, and darts up the same road, flooring the gas. ZM:"C'mon man, punch it!" PW:"I am. Hang on!" Walker continues to accelerate. Suddenly, a burst of spray shoots out from Edward's car, and he FLIES forward, leaving the Evo in the dust. PW:"Shit, he used the spray." ZM:"The nitrous? Don't we have that?" PW:"Yeah, but save it for when we need it." ZM:"We need it." PW:"Gotcha." Walker hits the switch, and he and Zack are forced to lean far back in their seats as the Evo propels forward, leaving all other automobiles and any scenery a blur through their windows. As the force of the spray takes them further, they do catch up to the convertible. ZM:"There he is. How can we get him to stop?" PW:"If I can get in front of him, leave that to me." Walker races up alongside Robins, who will not let him by. Suddenly, a large horn is heard in the distance. ZM:"Where did that come from?" PW:"Sounds like a boat." ZM:"Boat?" The two look at each other at the same time. Both:"BRIDGE." Walker races forward, daring Edward to keep up with him. Edward floors it again, and goes racing up the street, just as the bridge is being lifted!" ZM:"What if he stops?" PW:"He can't, too much acceleration, otherwise he's gonna fall into the water." Just like Walker said, Edward continues on, and the Spyder goes airborne, flying off the bridge, over the open gap, and coming down on the concrete below, bringing Robins escape plan to a halt. ZM:"Jump it." PW:"What? We can just go around!" ZM:"JUMP IT!" Malibu steps on Walker's foot, causing more acceleration. PW:"ZACK...YOU OWE ME BIG TIME..." The two yell out loudly as the Evo takes off, soaring through the air and coming down on the concrete. The car spins around as it lands, nearly grazing the Spyder in the process. Both Walker and Zack are breathing heavily, then start laughing. PW:"You almost got me killed." ZM:"You almost got ME killed." Both men recover from their risktaking adventure, and Zack hops out of the car. He walks over to the Spyder, and sees no motion from Edward. Walker steps out of the car, and looks on as Zack storms over to the car. PW:"How is he?" ZM:"Not sure, but even if he's OK, he won't be for long!" Edward is leaning back in his seat, eyes closed. He's conscious, but dazed. Zack reaches in, grabs him by the head, and slams it into the steering wheel! He shoves Ed into the passenger side, and then hops into the drivers seat. ZM:"Hey man, head back to the arena. I got a match to finish!" PW:"You got it!" Zack starts up the Spyder, and heads off, with Walker just behind them, both cars headed back to the arena! **** OAOAST Anglemania 4/1/07 Trailing the mourner's path [at Chicks Over Dicks entrance] is pop superdiva (and Canadian!) Nelly Furtado, vocalizing the mood with her beautiful hit song. One of the neon crosses shines an infinite galaxy of light upon the haunted face of the lone mourner, revealing her to the prying world to be actress Laurel Holloman (L Word, Tumbleweeds). ****** Hey, hey, you, you I don't like your girlfriend! The entrance doors give way to the source of this loud proclamation, Ontario's Avril Lavigne. The Multi-Platinum recording artist steps between the rival leaders to usher peace between the frayed factions. Outfitted in a classic catholic school girl outfit, she belts her alluring song Girlfriend, while fearlessly bouncing through the maze of Krista and Laurel's jealousy. ****** In front of the AM backdrop, the Heavenly Rockers, in their lucky Las Vegas Outlaws jerseys, stand alongside Stuart Scott. STUART Yo, L-Mann, what's cracking, shorty? Is they hatin the playa-playa? Or is they hatin the playa's game? Ah say let the hatas hate, L-Mann, you straight butter, baby, take it to the phat farm. BOOOOOYAH! L-Mann, let the bustas do bustas, and L-Mann do L-Mann. Na'mean, lil shorty? Go on and get u a lil sumthin'-sumthin. HOME BOY IS BALLLLLLIN'! LOGAN And I'm gonna be busting a few balls momentarily, Stuart Scott. ***** OAOAST HeldDOWN 12/24/04 Backstage in their dressing room, Black T, in surgical masks and gowns, watch over Jivin' J.R., dressed as an ELF complete with tiny green shoes, who is lying on 3 ironing boards placed together with his legs in the air. Candie, the valet/girlfriend of Zack Malibu, looks drop-dead gorgeous in her candy cane striped nurses outfit. BLACK Push. Push. J.R.'s moans grow ever louder with each passing second. Candie wipes the sweat off J.R.'s forehead with a wet towel. T-BOD Keep on truckin', J.R. BLACK There you go. It's almost out. Push, damn you! CANDIE Come on, J.R. Actor Rob Schneider (SNL, The Waterboy, Duece Bigelow: Male Gigglo), dressed as a hillbilly with scruffy facial hair, makes a cameo appearance as he comes into the camera's view. SCHNEIDER You can do it! BLACK Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Rob Schneider. Everybody in the room claps, even Jivin' J.R., who's about to deliver. J.R. I loved you in Jaws. SCHNEIDER I wasn't in Jaws. T-BOD Hang it there, Rob. I'm sure movie roles will come in by the droves now. Maybe you can land you a spot on Boston Public. SCHNEIDER It's, uh, cancelled. T-BOD Goddamn! No wonder why you haven't done jack shit. Don't be so damn picky, man. Unlike Black T, the tag team that can't be beat, they all can't be success stories. Just keep trying, buddy. Keep trying. J.R. AAH! BLACK He's gonna blow! Incoming! * BOOM * A BOTTLE shoots out of J.R.'s anus, hitting T-Bod in the midsection, sending him crashing into the wall in an over-the-top matter. J.R. GOOD GAWD! GOOD GOD, ALMIGHTY! AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, IT SHOT OUT OF MY ASS! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! Jivin' J.R. squeezes Candie's hand tightly as he's overcome with joy. Dan Black picks the bottle off the floor as T-Bod gets back to his feet, shaking off the cobwebs. Black wipes the bottle with a towel and gift-wraps it, finishing it off with a red bow before gently handing it to J.R. Dan, T-Bod and Candie watch with great pride as Jivin' J.R. tears the wrapping paper to reveal... BLACK Congratulations. It's your very own barbecue sauce. J.R. And it came with its trademark COWBOY HAT TOP! J.R. pops the bottle open, the cowboy hat top shooting out of the bottle like a piece of cork, nailing Rob Schneider in the eye. As Schneider screams in pain on the floor, the Oklahoma Fight Song plays in the background as Jivin' J.R. guzzles down his B-B-Q sauce. Cannibalism at its worst **** OAOAST HELD THE FUCK DOWN 3/2/06 BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen it is time for an official OAOAST debate on the subject of role modelling and it is brought to you by Ecstasy a new fragance by Krista Isadora Duncan! The eloquent funk that makes up the intro of Drop it like it's hot by Snoop Doggy Dogg seeps into the viewing audience's ears. The noise is met with confused whispers from the attendees. But the hushed silence soon turns to brilliant cheering as the special guest moderator appears on screen. He is none other then the dog father himself, Snoop Doggy Dogg! BUFFER Introducing first the special guest moderator, as selected by Alix Spezia, from Long Beach, California he is a Grammy nominated recording artist who has gone platinum with over five different albums he is.....SNOOP DOGGGGG!! “YEAAAAAAAA!” Snoop slaps hands with the ringside fans, who forcefully push and shove at each other to get a closer glimpse of the hip-hop mega star. As the noise level reaches it's highest point, he enters the squared circle, which contains two podiunms, and is handed a microphone. “SNOOP! SNOOP! SNOOP! SNOOP The D-O-double geeze in the Big O! Saint Louis, this shit's about to jump off real fast and real quick. I hosted Girls Gone Wild, but ain't nothing more wild then the O to the A to the O. And we gonna get real wild with the Big Boss Dogg as we setting to straight up debate with Christian Wright and my girl Alix Spezia. This is gonna be some freaky shit, so let's let them dogs out! On cue the hard driving preamble of Slither by Velvet Revolver comes ripping through the arena's speakers! Boos are immediate as the entrance doors tear apart, revealing a snarling, Christian Wright. Outfitted in a charcoal single breasted suit, the vengeful Upstart, throws his arms out to his side, tilting his head towards the heavens and striking a defiant pose of triumph in the face of an unending wave of jeers. BUFFER Introducing contestant number one from Raleigh, North Carolina, he is The Natural......CHRISTIAN WRIIIIIIGHT! More taunts, insults and catcalls drench the snobbish grappler, who struts down the ramp with his head held high in fantastic confidence. There's a scream of anticipation as a beautiful red pyro fountain rises forth from the stage. It meets with an equally lovely pink pyro waterfall. As the chorus of Nelly Furtado's Promiscuous Girl seeps into the ears of the OAOAST faithful, both the pyrotechnics dissipate, replaced by a booming gold explosion that consumes the entire stage! The fans erupt with a thundering ovation as Alix Spezia, bedecked in a red tube minidress, appears on the stage. She rhythmically jerks her body back and forth to beat of her song, as Buffer prepares to make his final introduction! BUFFER And contestant number two, from Los Angeles, Califorina, she is the 2005 OAOAST female wrestler of the year, ALIX MARIAAAAA SPEZIA! Alix flounces down the ramp, while Wright, sweating bullets, grips angirly onto his podium. He nearly digs his fingers into the balsa wood, but it's all he can do to stop his rage from completely overtaking him. The beloved heroine steps into the ring apron, and slowly and seductively enters the squared circle, causing Snoop to crane his neck for a closer inspection. SNOOP They oughta put a camera in my sun glasses, 'cause what I'm seeing gots it going on. **** (Wright is seemingly unable to contain his furor for the female fan favorite any longer. Trembling, he leans into his microphone, and launches a vile barrage of accusations her stunned way, interrupting Snoop.) WRIGHT Do you realize what you have done to me? Do you realize what irreparable harm you and your booze ridden armpiece have done to my reputation? Do you realize that by robbing me of my championship you have turned my once tranquil existence into an anarchic living hell? Is your minuscule brain, no bigger then the droppings of a Shar Pei puppy and with all the intelligence to boot, capable of comprehending what wrongs you have transgressed towards me? ALIX Uh, is this all gonna be old stuff I already know? Or is this new stuff? I'm gonna have to start writing all this down! Jeez, ya nearly choke a guy to death, and ya got an enemy for life! What gives? (singing like the Black Eyed Peas) Where's the love, yall? I don't know. Where's the love? I don't know. One love. One love. One love. (Pushed to the edge of his sanity, Christian steps away from his podium, ready to change this battle from one of wits to one of brawn. However Snoop swiftly intercepts the ill tempered star.) SNOOP Man, chill the hell out. We gonna conduct this debate and we gonna conduct this the right way. So sayeth the muthafuckin dogfather. Now can you deal wit that? Get yo ass back behind the podium. I'm gonna ask you a question, and all you gotta do is answer it. I don't ask you a question, you don't got nothing to say. Simple as that. You follow that one rule we cool. You don't follow that one rule, then when we ain't cool. And believe me, you wanna be cool with a crip. Understand? (Brooding, Wright nods) Babygirl, you caught the rule? ALIX Like herpes from a Tijuana hooker! WRIGHT There! There! Right there! She did it right there! Right there! SNOOP Man, what the did I just tell you? You get done licking the windows on the short bus and decide you wanna play wrestler? What's wrong with you? ***** ALIX Christian, your so ugly that when you masturbate, your penis files rape charges! SNOOP Damn, damn, damn! Somebody just got pimpslapped! ***** WRIGHT I shall not lend credence to the drug fueled ramblings of some harpy who feels the need to end every other thought with the word “dude”. I am not your dude, young lady. I am your moral and intellectual superior, and be thankful that I allowed you that moments rambling. For any other woman would've scored a solid punch to the stomach for choosing to speak out of turn as you did. From henceforth, I believe it would be in your best interest to keep your mouth closed, and stick to what you do best, keeping your legs spread. SNOOP Man, that ain't right. WRIGHT That ain't right. Must you bait me to go into my dissertation about how ebonics of the lower class have ruined cultured America. No, your ineptitude must be dealt with swiftly, and perhaps violently. I bit my tongue when I saw that a rapper, and a degenerater of society, a poisoner of the young mind, was selected by this gutter slut to be the guest moderator. But my convictions will lie dormant no more! COACH Here it comes! Here it comes! WRIGHT Because you are a guest in my establishment I shall spare you a vituperative dressing down and cut to my razor sharp point. I demand that you resign your position as moderator. SNOOP Naw. You don't demand nothing of ol Snoop Dogg. ***** WRIGHT I have approached you with more altruism then a man of your thuggish character has earned. I now see that this appeal was erroneous on my part! It would seem that the only way that your kind can be reached is through a swell of illegal narcotics, a showcase of gratuitous violence, or the blaring racket of a police siren! Pardon me, Master P, but I must claim ignorance to the mores and social customs that transpired within the urban jungle where your formative years were misspent. But in civilized, mainstream America, where I take residence, tarts such as the one currently protecting you from a savage beating are shunned and disgraced for their lewd actions. Additionally we expect our debate moderators to display a shred of objectivity in their conduct. A gentlemen in your station, now matter how ill his repute may be, owes it to himself and to the integrity of the debate to uphold a sterling impartiality! You sir have failed on several accounts, and I am telling you to answer my calls of resignation from your miscast role as debate moderator. If you do not do so quickly and promptly, your face will be answering to the underside of my boot, and your teeth will be answering to a sharp fist. SNOOP Alix was right, man. You ain't no role model. You need to reevaluate and reeducate you life and your beliefs. You may got it up here (points to brain), but You ain't got it right here (points to heart). And until you got it there, you ain't got it at all. WRIGHT My. You have put me in place. I fear that my time in your presence has drawn to a close. But before I make my departure, head held low, self esteem held lower, let me say that you have given me something to think about. Now, allow me to give you something to think about as well. SNOOP What? WRIGHT This... (Christian shoves his podium at Snoop, knocking the startled Long Beach native to the floor! As boos fill the Saavis center air, Wright seeks to beat a hasty retreat! However his path is blocked by an ireful Alix Spezia! A well placed right hook sends the Upstart tumbling back to the ropes! The crowd quickly changes their tune as it looks like the snooty superstar is about to receive his just desserts! Alix surges forward, ready to tear his face off with a superkick! But The Meterosexual Monster, Bohemoth, appearing at the best possible moment, reaches into the ring and attempts to pull his friend towards safety! But his grip slips and he winds up causing more harm then good, staggering Wright towards Alix, who blasts him with that thunderous superkick! While the excited crowd roots on the move, he's knocked into the ropes, where he gets tangled like a fly caught in a bright orange spider web. To make a bad situation even more humiliating, Snoop Dogg and Alix join hands and lunge towards Wright! He's powerless to stop the unit as they amazingly double clothesline him clear out of the ring! Wright lands in Bo's arms and the hapless duo clumsily topples to the mats! The fans explode with ear shattering cheers and applause for Wright's comeuppance!) “SNOOP! SNOOP! SNOOP!” (Alix and Snoop celebrate their impressive achivement amidst the rambunctious ovation from the Saint Louis crowd, as Wright and Bo slink up the ramp. Wright offers a sullen Bo an earful for his embarassing folly.) ***** OAOAST Syndicated 2/27/07(on location at Warner Brothers studios in Burbank,CA) “CUT!” a booming voice echoes from the distance of the studio. The camera pans out to reveal the source of the shout of “cut”, none other then horror guru, director Wes Craven, staring daggers at Krista for her violent deviation from the script of his movie “Honey, baby, you're supposed to let the bad guy win. Remember?” He says, leaning back in his director chair. “You might have read that in that big pamphlet full of words and phrases, called the script. I know you want a big part, but you can't kill the bad guy in the first five minutes. You can't have a movie where the main character gets killed in the beginning. Except for American Beauty. Can we do this again?” Krista, in an attempt to prove that she's not a total dunce to the horror legend, desperately tries to plead her case. “You don't understand! He's not an actor! He's a savage, psychotic, gang banger, who bid on a charity auction to help Tibet, but really he's trying to kill me! Look! “ ******** Thinking that Alix is off put by the prospect of another big budget comic book movie, female co-star, and daughter of Goldie Hawn,Kate Hudson comes to console her. “Sweetie, it's gonna be okay. Look, sometimes you gotta do the safe picture, to do the artsy pictures. Sometimes you gotta do the pay your friend back picture, and sometimes you gotta do me You, Me and Dupree” OWEN WILSON “Give me a tiger face.” Kate encourages the nervous gal. “RAWWWWR!” Alix howls with impressive gusto. “Monkey face!” “OOH-WAH! OOH-WAH! OOH-WAH!” Kate presents a dismissive wave of her hand. “Eh. That's more of an orangutan face.” “Same thing, babe.” “No, the orangutan is a member of the great ape phylum of primate classification. It's not a monkey, Alix.” “Hey, Goldie locks, who's the federal wild life marshal here me or you?” “Neither of us, actually. But it doesn't matter.” She turns to director Joss Whedon. “Where should we take it from?” “Take it from these nuts, bitch!” a man blusters from the distance. “What's the motherfucking name?” “Snoop Doggy Dogg?” Kate replies with a head shake. “Naw, bitch, Vinny Santana!” says the man himself, entering in full Joker from Batman costume. “Affleck's finally gone off the deep end.” Kate laments with a depressed face. ******** Krista's weary legs, and tired body make no bones about their distaste for expansive movement and force her into checking for the lost referee in a nearby trailer. “Hello?” She peers into the lavishly decorated area. “ Clem, come on out, buddy! One of the groundskeepers found your tube of condisil cream! Here's the match over here, Clem! And here's your head, far away from the match and jammed right up your wrinkled ass! Get out here now!” “What are you doin..” A female voice calls out, but stops short to instead say, “Oh, it's you! Finally!” Peering from behind the counter is Oscar award winning actress and dead ringer for Krista, Charlize Theron. She leaves behind her pot of gumbo to dart to the doorway and give a throughly confused Krista an enormous hug. ******* “Didn't your agent tell you?” Charlize asks. “I'm playing you in Dying to FIT in: The story of Krista Isadora Duncan! It's a movie about your life! I can't believe that dirt merchant prick of an agent never mentioned it to you. “I have studied every aspect of your life, Krista"I know your hopes, your dreams, your thoughts and fears. I know that you want more for your life then putting out thirty minute exercise videos to help lonely housewives get a better bikini BUTT. I look into your beautiful blue eyes and see a sad soul crying out, when lord, when? When can your lowly servant be free of this immature, ditzy life partner, Alix, to whom I am a constant victim of her every gaffe, every folly, every fault, so much so that it has pushed me to most dangerous stages of alcoholism and drug abuse. Fuck! When, lord? When I goin' be free?” ***** The clips are completed with a sparkling rendition of the oaost logo hovering above an army of roving movie premier-esque spotlights. We then return to the announce team. COLE I don't get Krista's “no resemblance” comment, she and Charlize Theron look exactly alike. I can't believe Krista doesn't see it! COACH That..that..THAT'S THE JOKE YOU MORON! I don't think I can stomach another five years with you. How? How are you so stupid? Magnum Opus hits, and Alfdogg is showered with boos as he walks to the ring in his street clothes. COLE And it looks like Alf is going to join us here! Alf walks to the ring, barely acknowledging the fans, then climbs in and walks over to the other side, grabbing the mic from the timekeeper. COLE Alf came up short at AngleMania, losing to Thunderkid in a barbed-wire ladder match for the Heartland title! COACH He put up a hell of a fight though, you have to admit, Cole! COLE That he did, people will remember that match for a long time! Alf holds the mic in the center of the ring, pausing briefly. ALF First of all, my loss on Sunday has no influence on what I'm about to tell you people. Two of the toughest stars in the history of wrestling went toe-to-toe, and Thunderkid came out on top. *crowd cheers* ALF But despite that...what I'm about to tell you people has been in the making for several months. You see, for five years now, I've been through it all. I've fought through them all...and most importantly, I've beaten them all. Anglesault, CWM, Caboose, Tony Brannigan, Zack Malibu...you name him, I've beat him. *mixed reaction* ALF That's right, I've beaten them all. There's NO ONE LEFT. Which is why tonight, I come to you after five years, to say...it's over. COLE/COACH ALF That's right. I've got nothing left to prove in the OAOAST. I've been the World champion twice, something only the greatest of the great...and Drek Stone...can say. More Heartland titles than anyone has ever won. I've won the Lethal Rumble match, the list goes on and on! And frankly, there's nothing to add to it, so, once again...it's over. COACH I don't believe this, Cole! COLE Is Alf really walking out of the OAOAST? Alf lays the mic down in mid-ring and starts to leave. But as he climbs through the ropes... (voice from the aisleway) Whoa, whoa, you can't leave yet! Alf looks out, to see AXEL making his way towards the ring with a briefcase! COLE That looks like Axel, Coach! The camera gets a close-up shot of him. COACH That IS Axel, Cole! COLE But why? And what does he want with Alfdogg? AXEL You can't leave! You haven't made the big announcement yet! COACH But what could be bigger than Alf hanging up the boots? Alf grabs his mic again as Axel climbs into the ring. ALF Oh, THAT announcement. What was I thinking? All right, let me tell you people a little story. You see, a little over two years ago, I made a brief foray into the promoter business. CWM joined up with me, and together, we started up World Domination Wrestling, or WDW. At the first show, Rebirth, on December 26, 2004, WDW crowned its first World champion...yours truly. *crowd boos* ALF Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond our control, we were never able to get it off the ground after that. Alf mockingly hangs his head, and Axel pats him on the back. AXEL That's where I came in. Despite the hardship the fed had fallen on, Alf retained the rights to it. And a few months ago, after I was FORCED OUT by old man Watts and Anglesault, he officially sold me the fed, and I made him the promise that I would find the brightest young talent to rebuild the fed underground. And in just a few short weeks, WDW will resurface! *mixed reaction* AXEL And one last thing, Alf...I've got a little present for you. Axel opens up the briefcase, revealing a championship belt with "WDW" across it. (Funny note: I actually typed "WCW" at first.) A sly smile comes across Alf's face as Axel hands him the belt, and he drapes it across his shoulder. AXEL Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the longest reigning champion in the wrestling world...the WDW World heavyweight champion, ALFDOGG! *crowd boos* ALF That's right, over two years and counting...and it's JUST BEGINNING. Magnum Opus hits, and Alf and Axel depart the ring. COLE I don't know what to say, Coach! Apparently Alf has moved on from the OAOAST, and he and Axel have promised the come-uppance of World Domination Wrestling! COACH I don't know either, Cole, but anything powered by those two you can bet will be a serious force to be reckoned with! COLE And what's all this about Axel being forced out of office? I think Axel was just jealous that he didn't have full control anymore! COACH I don't know what to think anymore, Cole! Commercial break

This OAOAST 5th Anniversary Moment courtesy: OAOAST HeldDOWN~! April 29, 2004 * CLIP * First Round Match vs. The Rave & Assault Squad Second Round Match vs. Spanish Fly & Vitamin X Tag Title Tournament Finals vs. The Global Party XChange COLE That was nearly three years ago that Black T won their first OAOAST Tag Team Titles. They added two more reigns over that time period and became one of the greatest tag teams in wrestling history. This past Sunday at AngleMania, they stood side-by side in the ring one last time. Back to the arena, the Vancouver crowd takes up the chant of the Torontoites. "BLACK T!" "BLACK T!" "BLACK T!" "BLACK T!" "BLACK T!" COLE Thank you gentlemen for a great career. BUFFER The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Currently in the ring to my left, at a total combine weight of 330 pounds, the meanest and baddest hombres in all of Latin America…LOS CONQUISTADORS! “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” The Golden Ones raise their right fists in solidarity. COACH The OAOAST can take away Los Conquistadors entrance, no doubt in response to their actions at AngleMania, but they can’t take away their pride. COLE No, but their opponents might be able too, as many teams in our sister promotion in Japan, HI-YAH, can attest to. Not yet accustomed to Fall Out Boy’s “Thriller” for a pair of Texas cowboys, the crowd is slow to react until the sexy-but-geeky Melody Nerdly bursts onto the stage in her revealing Daisy Dukes, followed by her dashing young tag team of Jock Mulligan and Baron Windels. With most of the pyro budget spent on AngleMania, there's little left for the Gunslingers entrance so none is used. BUFFER Their opponents, led down the aisle by their manager MELODY NERD-- Buffer stops in mid-sentence and heads for cover as Los Conquistadors ambush the Lone Star Gunslingers on their way in! * DINGDINGDING * COACH Uno and Dos sending a message to every tag team out there. If you’re gonna mess with them, you better know what you’re in for because they’re out to hurt you. Los Conquistadors decide to focus their attack on the 6’7” Baron Windels, tossing Jock outside. They strangle him with his own white jacket, and then rip the Stewie Griffin t-shirt off his body and stuff it down his throat! Outside, Melody appears more horrified at the desecration of the shirt rather than the treatment of Windels, and Los Conquistadors relish every second of it, wiping the shirt on their butts before flicking it back at her. She clutches the shirt of her beloved TV show close to her chest and rallies the crowd behind Baron as he’s whipped into the ropes. He ducks a double clothesline and levels both Conquistadors with a flying lariat! COLE MySpace Comeback! MELODY (firing imaginary pistols in air) Yeeeew-haw! Inside, Baron fires off a couple rounds of his own, mixing right hands with a few Cowboy Bebop elbows. Jock returns to the apron and accepts the tag from Baron, who shoots Uno off to the far side. The Texas Twister charges forward and tells the Wild Chicano to BITE MY SHINY METAL ASS!! ONE.. TWO… Dos flies into view and onto Jock to breakup the pin. As the referee escorts Dos to his corner, Jock lassos Uno as Jock clotheslines him off the ropes! COLE Lone Star Lasso! You can put this one in the books. It’s all over. The count has to wait until Baron exits. The referee calling it both ways. But it allows Dos to sneak in and PILEDRIVER Mulligan! He rolls Uno outside and covers Jock! COACH You spoke too soon, Cole. Ha. COLE Los Conquistadors are going to keep up the win the cheap way. ONE… TWO… THREE-- NO!! “YYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Dos protests it was a slow count, but like all protests it goes nowhere and turns violent. Dos spots Uno climbing onto the apron and raises his fist. He steps out on the other side of the ring and springboards to the top along with Uno, but Jock Texas two-steps away, causing Los Conquistadors to crash and burn! The tag is made and Baron connects with a top rope lariat on Uno, and then a big boot to Dos. Uno swings and misses, and is brought down courtesy of a Russian leg sweep. Baron covers but Dos stomps him on the head and hammers away before firing the big Texan off…but Windels ducks a swinging back elbow and tacks on the DEVIL’S ADDITION! His partner, the Texas Twister, follows up with a running dropkick that sends Dos out to the floor. Then as a unit perform the REDNECK HANGOVER!! Double cover! ONE… TWO… THREE! * DINGDINGDING * BUFFER Here are your winners…the LONE STAR GUNSLINGERS!!! The Gunslingers celebrate with a pair of high-fives from their gal pal Melody, who reunites the Stewie Griffin t-shirt with its rightful owner Baron Windels. Baron is hesitant to put the shirt back on but he doesn’t have much of a choice with Mel just staring at him with a big smile on her face. Melody then initiates a group hug! CUE REPLAY. COACH I hate to say it, but an impressive win for the Lone Star Gunslingers. They withstood the early onslaught from Los Conquistadors and came back with a vengeance. Some nice maneuvers thrown in, but it was the Redneck Hangover power bomb that won it for the men standing by with Michael Cole. COLE Jock, Baron, Mel…congratulations on your victory. The first since joining forces. BARON Well, you know, Michael… MELODY Oh, my gosh! Can you believe it? We finally won! A match that is, we always win at SOCOM for PS2, no thanks Mister no hand-eye cordination Baron Windels. Yay me, and the Gunslingers too, but mostly yay me! I knew Jock and Baron had everything it took to be a winner, they just needed some guidance. Gudiance from the world's smartest woman. But Krista's busy, so they got her look alike instead. Now that their brawn has met my brain and are beginning to get serious about each other, the ride is going to be wickedly awesome. JOCK It’s been a bumpy few weeks, but I think we’ve turned the corner in the last few days. We’re gelling like a trio instead of a tandem. People are finally starting to take notice of the Lone Star Gunslingers, and if they hadn’t before, we sure as heck opened some eyes at AngleMania. COLE You certainly did and I’d like to touch more on that subject. The Heavenly Rockers, who unfortunately couldn’t be here tonight as they recover from bumps and bruises sustained during the Sin City street fight, have said they don’t appreciate it when others impose on their fame and glory, but sources have told me they’re thankful for your help Sunday night as it took them out of a potentially dangerous situation. BARON Just like the Heavenly Rockers, Jock and I had a score to settle with the Sooner Bruisers as well. They lassoed Melody like she was some prize steer and left us lying in a pool of our own blood. Nobody does that to the Lone Star Gunslingers and gets away with it. So we served up our brand of justice at AngleMania when some outlaws tried to run amuck. It’s our way of letting every tag team out there know we want one of those two tag belts. COLE Another situation that arose Sunday night involved you, Melody, when Logan Mann swept you off your feet… MELODY COLE (CONT’D) …and planted a big wet one of you. He was in an obvious state of confusion, having suffered a concussion during the fight, but I’m sure there are no hard feelings over his actions. MELODY (squeals) That was so totally hawt. Logan's a handsome homosapien, somewhere between Cyclops from the X-Men and Optimus Prime. He could’ve raped me in the ring and I still would’ve loved it, much to the chagrin of Papa Nerdly. But papa don’t preach. And you know what else? Not only did I kiss Logan, but I kissed Holly and had my first threesome! See, Holly’s involved with Logan, right? And he kissed me which means I’ve kissed Holly too! Alix always said my first lesbian experience would come unexpected and she was right. Being a manager is the most fun you can have without going to jail for identity theft. But I digress, let’s go to Chuck E. Cheese, there's skeet ball that needs to be conquered! COACH (perking up) Damn right there's a skeet that needs to be conquered. Like a waterhouse. CUE: “Thriller” by Fall Out Boy Melody does some random funky dance moves as Cole looks on, and then gets down! COACH Let's cut away to commerical or something. Our views don't need to see this. And now another OAOAST 5th Anniversary Moment: The Title Change That Wasn't Page 54 of the One & Only Anglesault Thread April 27, 2002 Commercial break