Hoff

Gentlemen, I apologize. Before I field your inane questions, I have an addendum which has been handed to me by Dr. Tyler's associates: *cough* *sip of water* YOU MONKEY SHITS DESERVE A STAPLER TO YOUR MOUTHS. QUIT BREATHING OUR AIR, BOW DOWN, AND SHOW SOME FUCKING RESPECT BEFORE WE BREAK YOUR SKULL INTO PIECES. YOU PISS-DRINKING SLUTS CAN ALL GO TO HELL. I apologize for the delay; questions?

Hey, all right then. I've got a prepared statement that the good Doctor would like me to read, and then I'll be fielding your questions. *ahem* Dr. Tyler should be the next supermod because the whole lot of you have no idea how to conduct yourself. You need this shining star in the sky to lead you to prominence and prosperity. Without the caring but firm guidance of a man like Dr. Tyler, you would all be lost, sheep strayed from the flock. We need a sheperd for the new millenium. We need Dr. Tyler. And Rob E. Dangerously is a two-dollar skank. Questions, anyone?

Listen I'm not saying anything here, I'm just saying, but....stay back, Eski.

Okay. The other thing. 168. There are 168 hours in a week. Let's say a normal, avergae-length show takes a half an hour to read, which is about where I sit. Now let's say that you want to do feedbacking "right," aka with great detail. Let's say that takes another half an hour. I don't think it does, but benefit of the doubt here. That's one hour. Say you work forty hours a week. And, let's say you get eight hours of sleep a night, which is 56 a week. Let's even say you're like my roommate and go to school as well as work a full-time job, or you have two jobs. Throw another 40 hours a week on. That all makes 136 hours. Under this model, you have 32 hours remaining. Let's say an hour of travel time a day. We're down to 25 hours. An hour a day for food. Eighteen hours. So we're sitting at everything you could do in a week working two jobs, commuting, sleeping, all that, and you have 18 true free hours left. Eighteen hours to do whatever you want. First off, that seems pretty low to me. But let's say it's true. In those eighteen hours, you can't take one to read the show and feedback? I mean, this is something we all supposedly care about. We enjoy writing, sure, But we should also enjoy the reading of it. Moreover, we should want to read the shows, and discuss them, to let others know we appreciate their work. I dunno. To me, it doesn't seem like a lot of time. Now let's disregard the extreme cases, things like Zack's situation. Let's take CC, in high school. Instead of 80 hours for two jobs, let's say nine hours of highschool a day, for education and then extracurriculars. Five schooldays a week makes 45 hours. Add a part time job, say 15 a week, and that makes 60. 80-60= twenty more free hours. CC, I don't mean to single you out; I'm just saying that under this model, you now have thirty-eight hours of freetime. Surely, one could be spared. The point of this long-winded rant is this: you have time. Whoever you are, except in rare circumstances, you have time. And I admit, we do all have things out of our control. The show was late because work threw me a curve ball. Things happen. But on an almost-every-week basis, everyone here ought to be able to say SOMETHING. And for those who want to "do it right," trust me, the rest of us would rather hear three words than nothing at all. We all here enjoy writing...but as human beings, we all want to know people are reading it, and hopefully appreciating it. And if we're going to keep this an environment were everyone feels appreciated, then EVERYONE has to work toward it. Otherwise, this resentment is going to build, and we're going to lose not only talented writers, but far more importantly, people who care.

Feedback first, then we'll get into the points addressed in the thread. Before I start this, a stylistic question. I used to put *commercials* in between segments, then I stopped, figuring that it'd work itself out. This week, I used it in some places and not others, stylistically. Which way is best? Does it matter? Let me know, I'd appreciate it. - I hope KC noticed the props I gave him in the opener. "The latest designs." I really do like them, keep it up. - I'm still not feedbacking Rocky IV (dude, zing, I hope someone gets that) until he does likewise, but as far as coding goes, I dunno. I C'n'P'ed it direct, although he did NOT use the CODE tag, so I can't guarantee his safety. I will say I have READ the segment and do have thoughts, negative and positive. - Good Alf promo, but is Alf going after ANY titleholder, then, or just the Heavyweight Champ? It seemed like the former, until the last line. - Another fiery Zack Malibu promo, with Black T the picture of heeldom. Excellent setup for the match later on as well. - Uh..."the Man of Tomorrow and the Pyscho Gremlin?" Heh. Frank was on FIRE, the "Angel of Bliss" line had me rolling. Cool brawl at the end, the storage trunk spots were neat. For some reason, I imagine Holly having a really pale ass. I dunno why. Anyway, this was good. - Simon got OWNED~! This segment was cute. I like the tie-dyed title as well. - Nice little Rodez promo, leading into more from CW. I wonder where the Bohemoth thing will lead...also, Leon asking for GTA cheats was great. - Very interesting Brock Ausstin/PK bit. Interesting indeed... - A really, really fun match that Frig should be proud of. Well-done, put together well, a good story of the numbers game, and it got a lot of people involved in a way that made sense. Outside of some typos this was pretty much flawless, and I'm not one to talk there - LOL @ everyone who marked for Crazy Vampire. As for the Int'l Amnesty segment, I'll be airing a TWO-PART OAOAST.COM EXCLUSIVE tomorrow and Tuesday nights, detailing the history of Igor Stoyanovich, as well as re-airing the first two International Amnesty segments. So WATCH! Thanks for the positive feedback, though. Panther, I especially appreciated yours, being "retired" and all. Meant a lot that you read, AND remembered, AND cared enough to comment. Thank you. - As soon as I read "CUE: Getting Away With Murder," Billy and Chuck's old theme played on my Winamp. COINCIDENCE?! These guys DID have a nice hot little match going for themselves, until OMG ANARCHY RULZ. Good promo after the beatdown that made me want to see more. MORE! I CRAVE IT~! All in all, a good if promo-heavy show. Hopefully more matches this coming week.

So yeah, "LaLa" is downright awful and now that Patty's on hiatus I'm talkin' behind his back. And as much as I want my nigga to come back, his awful song has GOT to go. I don't care if it's rock, pop, hip-hop, even J-Pop. But, we need to think of something better. This thread is for the suggesting. Or for saying you *like* this abortion of a theme.

n0

I'll post it this week, but listen, starting soon (two, three, four weeks) I'm HOPING to have my Thursdays occipied, so, with Patty gone, we really need another show poster. Or, to move the day of the show.

I'd like to request the ME slot, if that's all right, for whoever's posting it, which may end up being me. OMG SWERVE: it WON'T be for the aforementioned tag match. WHAT COULD HAPPEN~

I LOVE Damar's redemption. It's so great. A bit short, maybe, but so well done.

We had a new guy just join on...now I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

From the Dominion War on, I'd put forth that DS9 was the best sci-fi series ever, as a "serious" show anyway. Just a great war show, with the sci-fi twist, and it remained a Trek show as well.

I'm so pissed that no one else cares about the upcoming fall of man. I'm gonna bump this topic FOREVER.

I'll take it.

I think it's obvious you should answer my IMs.

HARSH! You better protect yo' neck, preppy.

Oh, FUCK. I'm so writing something special for him.

!!!

It had already been called, and due to the angle I couldn't justify moving it. Otherwise I absolutely would have; in fact, I had it set as such until I remembered I needed the spot open.

I ain't posting shit. Of course I said that this week. WHAT WILL HAPPEN? HOW, AND WHY?! One thing WILL happen: Hoff and Igor Stoyanovich vs. Crystal and Gunner Sharps Some night I'm making an OAOAST tour schedule.

Yeah, there's a big gray box over part of the main event for me. Is anyone else getting that? Huh. Anyway, well....not our BEST show but it advanced the angles it needed to. Hopefully more wrestling next week. But fun to read, anyway.

You bastards.

© 2005 OAOAST, Inc./HeldDOWN Entertainment CREDITS #1 MST3K Mark Alfdogg Mystery Eskimo Tony149 Failed Mascot King Cucaracha KingPK King Hoff (lolz) Zack Malibu

"Quiet" hits, but the song title has nothing to do with the atmosphere in the arena, as the fans are collecting themselves and settling back into their seats for the HeldDOWN~! main event. COLE Welcome back fans, Michael Cole here alongside Caboose and The Coach ready to cap off another night of OAOAST action. Earlier in this broadcast the duo of Dan Black and Tony Brannigan were interrupted by the OAOAST Franchise, Zack Malibu, who approached them about remarks the two have made in recent months. Now tonight, four Originals do battle yet again, as Zack and longtime ally Some Guy take on perhaps the most dominant tag team we've ever seen! CABOOSE Cole, you know damn well I'm far from impartial when it comes to this situation, but I'll call a spade a spade. Tony and Dan are the most cohesive, most impressive unit to come through the tag ranks perhaps ever. It wasn't until they were on top that teams from around the globe started coming here for a shot at the gold, and you could go so far as to say they revitalized the division. Zack and Some Guy are my friends, I support them, but they are not at the level, team-wise, of Black T. "Quiet" has continued to play, and during the commentary both Black and Brannigan have made their way out, walking slowly down the aisle, paying no mind to the boos they recieve. BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest, is your HeldDOWN~! main event! Approaching the ring at this time, they are the team of "The Ice Heart" Dan Black and Tony "The Body" Brannigan...they are BLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Black and Brannigan step up on the apron, and Tony steps in and does a bit of crowd taunting, while Black stays on the apron and scowls at the crowd, then looks right into the camera and gives a scowl to the viewing audience before stepping into the ring. The duo converse as their song fades, only to have it replaced moment later. Cue: "Getting Away With Murder" The plucking of bass chords fills the arena, and the fans come to their feet as Zack Malibu and Some Guy emerge from the back, dressed for combat. The duo begin a powerwalk to the ring, but then change their minds and rush the ring, sending Black T backing out of a possible head-on attack! CABOOSE I can see that Zack and SG don't want to wait any longer! BUFFER Their opponents, currently in the ring. First, from Boston, MA, he is SOME GUY! His partner, known in many circles as the Franchise of the OAOAST, ZACK MALIBU! Buffer hastily finishes his intro and bails out of the ring, as Black T are back up on the apron and ready to battle. Referee Charles Robinson is here to call things down the middle tonight, but could have his hands full given the amount of hostility between these four men. Some Guy offers to kick it off for his team, which leaves Black, who agreed to start off for Black T, rather unhappy. Black points to Malibu and bitches him out, but all Zack does is offer a smirk to his foe and lean on the turnbuckles, waiting for the moment when Some Guy will need to make the tag. COLE This is somewhat of a rematch from Anglemania. All that's missing is CWM and you, Caboose. CABOOSE Missing? I'm calling the match. What's better than that? COACH Being covered in whipped cream while two midgets dan... CABOOSE That's not better, that's just disgusting. COACH I have a good excuse tonight. It's Cinco De Mayo, so I'm drunk. CABOOSE There's a difference between being cocked and acting like a co- COLE AHEM. MATCH. COMMENTATE. Amidst the banter, Some Guy and Black have locked up, with Black taking SG in a side headlock, only to be pushed towards the ropes and hiptossed on the rebound! Some Guy picks Black up and locks on a side headlock of his own, but Black uses a back suplex to get out of it...only Some Guy drops on his feet! He quickly grabs Black in a headlock again, but then finds himself sent into the ropes and taken down with a drop toehold. Black then slides over SG's back and applies a rear waistlock, pulling him up to his feet and holding him in the waistlock still. Some Guy tries to break his grip, but can't, so he fires back a pair of elbows and then runs the ropes...but when he hits the ropes Tony cracks him in the small of the back with a kick! Some Guy flinches, then turns to Tony and goes after him, but Tony jumps down off the apron out of range. Some Guy turns around, and Black fires off a kick to his stomach, but Some Guy catches it and spins Dan around, then rocks him with a clothesline! Some Guy waves Black on, urging him to get up, then goes for a dropkick, but Black sees it coming and swats it away! Dan then quickly drops to his knees and applies a front facelock on SG as he's getting up, brings him to his feet and snaps him over...NO! Some Guy floats over Dan's back and spins him around, taking him over with a fireman's carry! He stands above Dan, then spins around and gives Tony a receipt for earlier, knocking him off the apron with a right hand! He turns back to Dan, but Black quickly rolls out under the bottom rope, and the recently returned superstar has put Black T on the run in the early goings! CABOOSE Great work by SG, as it appears Black is a little too confident here tonight. Black gets up and pounds the apron, calmed only by Tony who rounds the corner so that Black T can regroup. Black looks frustrated, and Tony asks him not to lose his cool, then spins Dan around and points at something off camera...which winds up being Zack Malibu racing across the apron and leveling both Black T members with a double Apron Run Diving Clothesline! COLE Vintage Malibu! The old Diving Clothesline wipes out both Tony and Dan! Malibu throws his arms up, then helps Dan to his feet and rolls him back into the ring before being ordered to his corner by Robinson. Black comes to his feet in the ring and follows Malibu with his eyes, glaring at him, before being spun around by SG and scooped slammed to the canvas! Some Guy hits the ropes again, but again Tony becomes a factor, as he leans in and jerks SG backwards, slamming the back of his head on the canvas! Malibu comes in to counteract, but Robinson runs over to stop him, preventing him from seeing Tony pull Some Guy under the bottom rope and leave his head exposed on the outside, then hit a running elbow across his throat before rolling him into a Black pin! ONE! TWO! Some Guy kicks out, but Black stays in control, pulling him up and snapmaring him over, then following up with a running kick to his back. Some Guy is then led to his feet and brought to the Black T corner, where Black makes the tag while holding SG at bay. Tony steps in and together the duo hit a double team Russian legsweep on Some Guy, and when Tony comes to his feet, he immediately follows with a standing kneedrop, driving it into the forehead of Some Guy. COACH Ouch! The way he feels now is the way I'll feel in the mornin'! Tony brings Some Guy up and stuns him with a chop, and another, backing him into the ropes and then Irish whipping him across the ring. Tony makes the mistake of lowering his head for a backdrop, however, and Some Guy responds by kicking him back up to a vertical base, then striking him with some chops of his own, until the flurry is stopped by Tony driving a knee into Some Guy's ribcage! Tony then sends Some Guy to the corner, but when he runs in Some Guy throws a boot up, then props up on the second rope and dives off with a bodypress, putting Tony down on his back for a cover! ONE! TW-KICKOUT! Tony pushes Some Guy off, but Some Guy gets ahold of him first, taking him by the arm and sending him into the corner where Zack Malibu stands! Tony collides with the turnbuckles, and Some Guy runs for the corner, leaping up and monkey flipping Tony out of the corner and back onto his back! Robinson also takes note that Malibu tagged in, and Zack climbs up onto the turnbuckles and leaps off when Tony has his back turned, planting both feet into his back with a missle dropkick and sending Tony stumbling through the middle ropes and out to the ringside floor! COLE Malibu is in, and the former World Champion sends the man who recently vied for that crown to the floor! Once again, Black T is regrouping on the floor, angered that a makeshift duo is getting the better of them. As they converse, a noticeable stir comes from the crowd behind them, and it's not until it's too late that we see Black T are being jumped from behind! COLE What the hell? CABOOSE Wait, that's Static, and... COACH The GPX! GPX ARE BACK! Once the crowd notices what's going on, it roars in approval, as Scotty Static and Johnny Jackson have returned, and have attacked their old rivals! COLE It's the rivalry that'll never die! The ultimate tag feud in the OAOAST still rages on, as the Global Party Exchange have come back after Black T! Malibu and Some Guy stand in the ring, as Charles Robinson runs to ringside to get control...only to be tossed over the guardrail and into the front row by Scotty Static. The duo keep beating, pounding on Black T, and the cameras catch a glimpse of Tony's forehead, now bleeding. COLE What the...hey, Jackson has a chain wrapped around his fist! CABOOSE It looks like Scotty does too, Cole. What the hell are they doing? Malibu and Some Guy come to the floor and pair off, each one pulling a GPX member off of a Black T member. Malibu asks Jackson what the hell he's doing, and Jackson responds by blasting him in the forehead with his chain wrapped fist! COLE WHAT THE HELL!?!? JOHNNY JACKSON JUST NAILED ZACK MALIBU! Jackson pounds on Zack's forehead now, busting him open as well, then unravels the chain and wraps it around the prep's neck, choking him with it! Some Guy tries to come to Zack's aid, but he's tackled from behind by Static, who then takes Michael Buffer's chair and starts pounding on Some Guy with it repeatedly! Dan Black starts to come to his feet, but Static sees him and turns around, blasting him across the head with the steel chair and knocking him senseless! COACH I don't get it...what is with the GPX tonight? Jackson stops choking Malibu and stomps on him, then he and Static take Tony and roll him into the ring. Tony, groggy and bloody, walks on all fours, but is then pulled up by Static, who brings him into a standing headscissors, then powerbombs him. He follows up by rolling him into a Boston Crab, and Jackson stands on the other side of Tony, hooking his arms and bringing him up before driving his face down into the canvas to complete the Chain Letter! COLE This is carnage the likes of which we've never seen from Static and Jackson! Jackson then kicks Tony's body, rolling it out of the ring and letting it land with a thud on the floor. Suddenly, Zack is in the ring, spinning Static around and nailing him! Then Jackson! Then Static again! Then Jackson again! Malibu tries to take on both GPX members, until he's clobbered from behind by Jackson, and hooked by the youngster before being pulled up onto his shoulder, pumphandle style...and DROPPED with the Beat Drop! CABOOSE This is...what is this all about!? COLE I have a feeling we're about to find out. Cole is referring to Scotty Static, running his hands through his hair, taking the mic from Michael Buffer. Tony, Black and Some Guy are all laid out on the floor, as is Malibu in the ring. STATIC Judging from the reaction we're getting, I'd say you're not too happy with what we've done here tonight, right? The crowd responds with more boos. STATIC Well you know what, this isn't about what's going to make you happy. This is about what's going to make US happy, right Johnny Jam? Static tosses the mic to Jackson, who is laughing. JACKSON For as long as we've been here, and even longer than that, this company has always...ALWAYS...put the focus on the same damn people. No matter how hard someone tries to break through, it's always about that little clique...that core of people who will always be here not because they're loyal, but because they can't cut it anywhere else. For over a year now, my partner and I had wars across this federation, with every major name in the tag ranks, and what did it get us? It got us nowhere. Being crowd favorites, trying to appeal to you people, got us NOWHERE, and it's all because of the Glass Ceiling. No matter how hard we try, no matter how much you love us, the GPX would have been relegated to micard matches because those in the "upper tier" can't step aside. What we did tonight was take four guys who continue to live in the past and we sent them a message. The future of wrestling, not just tag team wrestling, but wrestling across the world, lies in the new blood...in the youth. Call it an uprising, call it a revolution, call it what you will, but what Scotty Static and I call it is the truth! Jackson hands the mic back to Static, who seems pleased with what his partner said. STATIC Don't think this was an irrational act people, because we've had week...months to think long and hard about this. These guys here, they talk about what's good for the company...what we just did was the best thing anyone could have ever done for the OAOAST. We just proved in mere minutes that the guys on top don't belong there. They're holding on, clinging for dear life to their precious spots, not realizing that it's true what they say...it all catches up to you in the end. Black T, Zack Malibu, Some Guy...your pasts have caught up with you, thanks to the future of wrestling. You're looking at the true superstars of the OAOAST, the best damned tag team in the world, and the only two people who had the balls to tell the world how it needs to be. Scotty Static and Johnny Jackson will not be played for fools anymore. It's time we got the recognition we deserve, and instead of talking about it, we did it the old fashioned way...we just earned it. With that, Static throws the mic over his shoulder and lets it bounce off the canvas. He and Jackson step out of the ring and back up the aisle, looking at the fallen, bruised bodies they've left laying. EMT's rush down by them to go check on Black, Tony, Zack and Some Guy, while the GPX snicker, proud of their latest, albeit shocking accomplishment. FADE OUT.

The scene opens on Josie Baker in her office, reading through some paperwork. A knock is heard at the door. JOSIE Enter. The door opens, revealing a man in a three-piece suit. The man looks to be a shade under six feet, with curly, blonde hair. The man enters the office, smiling. UNKNOWN MAN OF MYSTERY OMG WHATTA STUD Hello, Ms. Baker, my name is-- JOSIE Wait...I know you. The man's smile fades instantly. MAN No, I mean, you may have seen me, but I don't think you KNOW me... JOSIE No...no, I so do. Hang on, let me think about it. MAN Maybe...maybe you've seen my indy work? JOSIE No, that's not it...I think it was in the ring, though. You looked different... MAN Okay, no, I wasn't who you're thinking. I mean I get that a lot, but, it wasn't me. JOSIE Who wasn't? I can't remember. MAN Oh. Well, um....then I have no idea. JOSIE Huh? Now you're confusing m-- WAIT. I got it! You were-- MAN NO!!!!!!!! JOSIE YOU WERE CRAZY VAMPIRE!!!!! The live crowd takes a collective breath in shock. The man hangs his head. MAN ....no.... Josie beams, delighted that she remembered. JOSIE Oh, you SO were. You had long hair and fangs, FANGS, and you were ridiculous! Oh, man...that was awesome. The man doesn't even look up. MAN Anyway, Ms. Baker... JOSIE Crazy Vampire. What a lame ass character. You poor guy. NOW the man's head shoots up, angry. MAN My name is-- JOSIE No, it's Crazy Vampire, I got it. MAN My NAME is Jay-- JOSIE Crazy Vampire. MAN MY NAME IS JAY-- JOSIE (giggling) Crazy Vampire! The man takes a deep breath. MAN My name is Jay Richards, and I'm here to join your program. Josie raises her eyebrows. JOSIE Really. Josie folds her hands and leans her elbows on her desk, then rests her chin on her hands. JOSIE You know, I've seen the footage you had delivered to me. You're good...not great, but good. And, maybe one day, you'll be a star like Ragdoll or K-Money. But I don't think it's the right time for you. JAY RICHARDS What?! What do you mean, "not the right time?" JOSIE Listen. You're young, you've got a bright career ahead of you. But I'm not sure this is the place for you. Not to mention the company you used to keep... Jay looks horrorstruck. JAY I'll have you know that-- JOSIE Save it. Jay Richards, you crazy vampire you...sorry, but it's not your time. Jay looks hurt, and upset, and angry. He stands up, trying to look dignified. JAY Very well, then. Have a good day. Jay Richards, contractless, turns and exits the office. As he does, Josie chuckles. JOSIE Crazy Vampire....jeez. We come back to a shot of the ring, where four podiums are set up along the side farthest from the ramp. COLE Fans, we are-- "The Clincher" hits, sending the fans WILD as Hoff steps onto the stage!! CABOOSE Man, it's been awhile since his music did that to you. I miss it! COLE Son of a.... Hoff, wearing his million-selling T-shirt and jeans, appears in great spirits as he walks down the aisle, smiling and slapping hands with fans. COACH Well last week we saw Gunner accept Hoff's challenge to a match at School's Out later this month! COLE Hoff feels that Gunner Sharps is responsible for Crystal beatng him to become the #1 contender to the OAOAST Title. And I gotta agree! CABOOSE Cole, please. The only person he has to blame is himself. He wants to take it out on Gunner? Well, Gunner will kick his happy ass at School's Out. Hoff slides into the ring, climbs the ropes, and throws his fist into the air, smiling as he closes his eyes and basks in the cheers. Flashbulbs light up the arena. COLE I wouldn't be so sure, 'Booze! Last time they were in the ring, Gunner tapped out to Hoff's Anklelock! CABOOSE Bah. Gunner has beaten Hoff before and he'll do it again. Hoff climbs down from the turnbuckles and grabs a microphone from ringside, looking out over the crowd. COACH Man, what's with those podiums? COLE I don't know. HOFF Welcome...to the future. "YAY!!!!" HOFF Now, I have always been a leader in this company, and I have always pledged to bring to you people not only the finest in entertainment, but the fairest as well. Even when my opponents are hopelessly outmatched -- and that happens a lot -- but even then, I look for the good in them. Well tonight, I'm going to do something no one ever thought possible. Ladies and gentlemen, I am going to find the good inside of Gunner Sharps. "BOOOOOOOOOOO" HOFF No, I know, I know, I can barely believe it either. But that's what I intend to do, and I am gonna DO IT! BUT...there's a catch. COACH A catch? CABOOSE You're a catcher... COLE BURN! CABOOSE You're the pitcher. COLE Aw! HOFF You see, something like this, well...I could never do it alone. And that's why I bring to you...my INTERNATIONAL AMNESTY JUDICIARY PANEL!!!! The fans go NUT as Hoff grins a big, wide smile. CABOOSE What. COLE Oh, my! Hoff's famous International Amnesty Exhibition is back! COACH I love these! CABOOSE *groan* HOFF So, without further ado, here are your panelists! "Livin' La Vida Loca" plays, and out comes... RICKY MARTIN!!! COLE AND COACH HAWT!!! CABOOSE SO gay... Amidst some shreiking females, Ricky Martin makes his way to the ring. He shakes hands with Hoff, then takes his place behind podium #1. HOFF Our next panelist, from the Hippo Islands..... KING HIPPO!!!! King Hippo's crappy 8-bit music plays as he waddles to ringside. COACH Where are the Hippo Islands, anyway? CABOOSE Somewhere near Uranus. COACH Where's my anus? CABOOSE I-- uh-- DAMN YOU, COACHMAN! YOU RUIN EVERYTHING GOOD! Hippo struggles into the ring, then knocks gloves with Hoff, who...isn't wearing gloves. Hippo takes his place next to Ricky Martin, who edges away. HOFF And of course...my good friend.... IGOR STOYANOVICH!!!!!!!!!!!! The SOVIET FUCKING ANTHEM plays and this crowd, I mean, they good and POP for the retarded Russian kid. Igor looks thunderstruck as he steps onto the stage, then throws his spindly arms into the air and runs down the ramp. Igor slides in, and Hoff throws up a hand. Igor LEAPS and high-fives the big man, then hugs him. Hoff gently pulls Igor off of himself, then sends the little guy over to podium #3 as the anthem dies down. HOFF So without further ado... BOOM~! I'd eat you ALIVE!!!! The crowd goes CRAZY as the festivities are stopped by the OAOAST World Champion, AXEL!! Axel steps onto the stage, looking over the fans and-- BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!! Axel drops the crucifix pose on us, sending the already hot crowd into a fervor. The champ walks down the ramp and into the ring, locking eyes with Hoff. Hoff looks unsure as Axel grabs the microphone. AXEL Hoff...you bloody bastard. I can't believe you did this... ...and didn't let me in on the fun. Hoff smiles as the champ laughs. HOFF Well, I mean, there is an extra podium open...I was gonna use it for myself, but I think I could let the World Champ slide in! Whad'ya think, people? Hoff holds the mic to the crowd, who SCREAM, cheering for the Champ to be let in. HOFF Well I guess that settles it. Axel, COME ON DOWN!! Axel laughs, slapping Hoff on the shoulder as he steps behind the last podium. Next to him, Igor gazes up in revered awe. HOFF And ON WITH THE SHOW!! The AngleTron lights up, showing an image of Gunner Sharps. Gunner's face causes the fans to boo, or maybe vomit. HOFF Now, fist up, we're going to look at Gunner Sharps' moves. Because the most important thing for any wrestler is in-ring skill. Let's take a look at Gunner Sharps' fabled spear, the Sharp End. The AngleTron plays a clip of Gunner crouched, then charging at someone...but the oponent sidesteps and Gunner hits the ringpost! *CLANG* HOFF Ooh, that's gotta hurt. Man...well, I guess they can't all be winners. The judges are all laughing. Igor is about to fall over from laughing so hard. King Hippo is also eating. HOFF Okay, judges, what say ye? The judges all hold up scorecards.' HOFF Ricky? The latin singer shakes his head, revealing a zero. The fans cheer. HOFFF Nice, very nice. King Hippo? Hippo puts down a turkey leg to reveal his score...another zero. More cheers. HOFF Harsh! Well, Igor, what do you say! Igor holds up his card, upon which he has drawn Hoff's H logo. HOFF That's...that's awesome. Igor, man, I love you. Igor smiles and the fans actually ghant "IG-OR" for a moment. HOFF (laughing) Oh..okay. Axel? Axel, shaking his head, holds up his card. It reads "GUNNER SUCKS." HOFF YEAH~! The fans are cheering like mad as Axel smiles, pointing to his sign. HOFF Okay okay okay. NOW. On to our next review...the All Guns Blazing, Gunner's trademark powerbomb. Let's see it... The clip is actually Gunner with Hoff on his back. Gunner runs forward...but Hoff slides off his back! Gunner turns around...INTO A ROCK BOTTOM!! The fans go NUT! HOFF Wow, damn. That was a good clip. Okay, judges. Ricky? Ricky holds up a "-1". RICKY MARTIN That was NOT la vida loca! It was la vida malo! HOFF Wow, dissed in Spanish. Nicely done, Ricky. King Hippo? Hippo eats a bag of M&Ms...I mean even the bag. Then his pants fall down and you can see the band-aid...you know, by his belly-button. Igor punches it and Hippo falls over. Suddenly Mario hops into the ring and counts to ten. Then Charles Robinson runs out and screams "GIMME BACK MY SHIRT PLUMBER!!" They run around and are eventually led away by CARL FRIGGIN' WINSLOW. It was awesome. Having been hit in the bandaid, Hippo is rendered unable to move or speak. HOFF Um. Well. Igor? Igor holds up his card, on which he has drawn a smiley face, but with a red X through it. RANDOM INTERNET GEEK OMG RED X LOL2005~! HOFF Well played, my friend. Well played. Now...Axel. Let's hear it. Axel holds up his sign, and it reads... "HOFF'S T-SHIRT IS STILL AVAILABLE AT OAOASTSHOPZONE.COM. OH, AND GUNNER IS HORRIBLE." COLE How did he get that all on one sign? The fans cheer. HOFF Wow. Amazing. Now, let's-- CUE: "Sick" by Dope. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Hoff, Axel, and Igor frown as Gunner Sharps, the man of the hour, steps onto the stage with a mic. Ricky Martin...well, he doesn't really care one way or the other. He got his paycheck already. GUNNER I suppose you think you're funny? The fans boo, but Hoff is quick with the comeback: HOFF Don't worry, Gunner, I don't expect you to get the joke. The fans laugh as Hoff starts loping around like a caveman. Gunner is PISSED. Igor, being mildly retarded, starts doing it TOO, and Axel beings laughing like a madman. GUNNER KNOCK IT OFF!! Hoff stops, lookng up. Igor, though, keeps going. Axel stops him. GUNNER Listen, Hoff. You talk about wanting to fight so bad? Well why don't you cut the cute stuff and we'll have us a fight. Next week, right here on HeldDOWN. (crowd pops~) HOFF No problem, Gunner. You and me-- GUNNER Not so fast. Hoff stops, eyeing Gunner curiously. GUNNER How about a tag team match. Me and Crystal against-- HOFF Against me and Axel? Me and the CHAMP?! Buster, you are ON! The crowd goes NUT, and Axel steps forward, nodding and apparently liking this idea. GUNNER No.... All eyes are on Gunner, wondering what's going on. COACH What is going on? Gunner smiles a smart smile as he says... GUNNER Me and Crystal...against you.......and IGOR STOYANOVICH. The crowd pops, stunned by the challenge! Hoff's eyes go wide...but the big man composes himself and shakes his head. HOFF No way, Gunner. I'll fight you both, whatever, but not Igor. He's-- IGOR I ACCEPT!!!! The fans go BALLISTIC as Hoff, slowly, turns to look at Igor with his mouth open. IGOR ME AND THE FUTURE KICK YOUR ASES SOVIET-STYLE!! BRING IT, BABY!!!! The fans are hanging off of every broken English word. HOFF Igor, no...you don't know what you're getting into. Igor looks at Hoff, steadfast. IGOR You said yourself that Gunner SUCKS A LOT!!!!!! HOFF True.... IGOR And earlier you told me that Crystal was a skank ho!! Hoff laughs, despite himself. HOFF I DID say that... IGOR SO LET'S DO IT ALREADY!!! "YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!" HOFF All right.....if you're SURE..... IGOR DA! DA! DA! DA! DA! Hoff shakes his head, then turns to face Gunner. HOFF All right, big guly...you're on. The fans EXPLODE as "The Clincher" hits, and Gunner smiles as he saunters back behind the apron. Igor pumps his fists, but Hoff looks at him sideways, tenatively. COLE WHAT AN ANNOUNCEMENT! Hoff and...and IGOR STOYANOVICH against Gunner Sharps and Crystal! Wow! COACH You think that match is big? Our next match is OFF THE SHIZZLE GAZIZZLE DAYUM~! COLE Main event time, NEXT!