Hoff

The shot fades in on Axel, Hoff, and the victorious Igor Stoyanovich in the back. IGOR WE DID IT!!!!! The trio laughs, smiling like goons at what they just pulled. HOFF You're damn right we did, buddy, hit me up top! Hoff holds up his hand and he and Igor pull off the "Dudes With Attitudes" high-five. Igor pumps his fist in celebration, running around like a lunatic. HOFF Ah, man...now, you sure about this tag match tonight? AXEL Hell yeah, mate! Let's kick their asses! HOFF Hey, I'm with ya, but that stipulation Crystal threw out there... AXEL Ay, nothin' to worry about! We'll beat 'em, and that's that! Hoff nods. HOFF Damn right. Axel and Hoff nod, and clasp hands, as the elated Igor runs around backstage. IGOR A WINNER IS ME! DA!!!!!!!!! ::And we now join a seemingly upset Crystal and Gunner Sharps in a conversation in the hallway. Let’s listen in!:: CRYSTAL I cannot believe that stupid Czech retard called me a skank ho last week! GUNNER Uh, he’s Russian. CRYSTAL Whatever! It’s all the same thing anyways. I’m gone for one day to try and get a “Crystal Day” in my home province, and what happens? I get insulted, in front of my own home crowd! They must have been devastated that their hero was degraded! GUNNER How did that go? Did you get your own day? CRYSTAL (mumbling) It didn’t work out this year. (clears throat) Oh hey! Look who we have here! ::The camera pans to the left of the two rulebreakers and none other than GPX is shown!:: SCOTTY Can we help you with somethin’? CRYSTAL Hey now, no need for hostility. That took some balls what you guys did last week. Beating up Black T, Zack, and Some Guy? Freaking brilliant. JOHNNY Hey, why do you care? We beat up those four ‘cause we weren’t getting any recognition. You, Miss Crown Jewel don’t seem to have a problem with that. You’re getting a World Title shot! CRYSTAL And who’s in the main events? Is it me? Is it even the OAOAST champ? GUNNER Nope. SCOTTY It’s just disgustin’ how the same freaking people hog the main events. We about to change that. JOHNNY True dat. We’re going to make that old guard move for the newer, better guard. CRYSTAL Best of luck to you guys. If you need any help, you know where to look. The GPX walk off, leaving Crystal and Gunner to themselves. Gunner remains his usual stoic self, but a sly grin stretches across the face of the Female Phenom as we come back to the three amigos at Sofa Central. COLE I didn't like that smile on Crystal's face. COACH I like every smile she gives me. CABOOSE "Her," "dudes," it's all good. COACH Hey, what the hell? *Suddenly, The Chicago Bulls theme plays and the lights go out! Bulls mascot Benny the Bull comes down from the ceiling!* COLE Look, it's Benny the Bull! COACH I guess with yet another heartbreaking end to a Chicago sports season, Benny's got to pull in some paychecks somehow, eh? *Benny lands in the ring as the lights return, and shoots T-shirts and stuffed mini basketballs into the crowd with that giant slingshot. He then throws a few into the crowd, then waves and goes into the crowd.* COLE Wow, what a surprise guest. Well folks, last week we saw some startling stuff go down between the Puerto Rican and John Brickston, and we're being told that PR has something to say! Cut to “Mean” Gene Okuerland, who is standing by with a microphone in his right hand at the OAOAST HeldDOWN~! interview area (which means that Gene is standing in front of a cyclone fence that has the OAOAST HeldDOWN~! logo plastered all over it). “MEAN” GENE OKUERLAND Fans, if you tuned into HeldDOWN~! last week, you witnessed two brutal attacks live as they happened. We saw The Global Party Exchange destroy Zack Malibu, Some Guy, and Black T. And we also saw The Lightning Crew finally get the upper hand on John “Rock Hard” Brickston, when they attacked him backstage right before he was scheduled to defend the Italian Championship against Cuban Wall. Right now, I’m about to interview the leader of The Lightning Crew. He is the One And Only AngleSault Thread Twenty-Four/Seven Champion; He is “The Corporate Champion” Tha Puerto Rican! “The Corporate Champion” Tha Puerto Rican walks into the interview area, wearing a Puerto Rico flag bandana, gold chain, sunglasses, pierced left ear, black Lightning Crew t-shirt, blue elbow pads, Puerto Rico flag wristbands, black sweatpants, Puerto Rico flag boots, and the OAOAST 24/7 Championship belt sitting over his left shoulder. The crowd boos the moment PRL appears on camera. PRL arrives with a smirk on his face. “THE CORPORATE CHAMPION” THA PUERTO RICAN “Mean” Gene! Damn, it’s been a long time since you’ve interviewed me. What’s up? “MEAN” GENE P.R., what you and The Lightning Crew did last week was viewed by many as cowardly, repulsive, and just plain wrong. How do you feel about that? PRL Well, “The Corporate Champion” is not really concerned about that. I had to find a way to punish John Brickston for all the evil things he’s done to me. He tried to steal my 24/7 Title at Living Anglelously; he has attacked The Lightning Crew without being provoked, not to mention he has a big ego. Just because he’s bigger than me, just because he is more muscular than me, and just because he DOESN’T have a voice that is so high pitched it can make your ears bleed, does not, I repeat, does NOT mean he is the superior wrestler. I won’t deny the fact that Brickston has some skills; it’s just that I have better skills than him. It’s as simple as that. “MEAN” GENE Well, let’s take a look at what transpired last week, backstage at HeldDOWN~!, between The Lightning Crew and John Brickston. The HeldDOWN~! logo flashes by on the screen. On the bottom right hand corner, the words: OAOAST HeldDOWN~! MAY 5, 2005 “The Corporate Champion” Tha Puerto Rican and Cuban Wall take turns hitting Brickston. Brickston fights back, but Vitamin X stuns him with a stun taser. The Lightning Crew gang up on Brickston, forcing him onto the floor. Brickston, feeling the effects of the taser shot, is unable to fight back, so he just covers his head in order to block the blows. COLE Another cowardly attack by The Lightning Crew! They know they can’t take Brickston on face-to-face, so they resort to these guerilla warfare tactics in order to gain the advantage! COACH Well, you can’t deny the result. For once, John Brickston is the one getting his ass kick by Tha Puerto Rican, and not the other way around. Tha Puerto Rican and Cuban Wall pick up Brickston. They throw him into a wall again and again, and then kick him. Cuban Wall avalanches Brickston. Cuban Wall chokes Brickston with his bare hands. PRL tells Vitamin X to grab something. Vitamin X responds with a fire extinguisher! Mr. Boricua, PRL, and Thomas Rodriguez hold Brickston up. Vitamin X slams the fire extinguisher across the face of “Rock Hard. PRL holds Brickston’s right hand out, and Vitamin X slams the fire extinguisher onto it, causing Brickston to scream out loud. PRL holds out the right hand again, and once again X slams the fire extinguisher onto it. COLE Oh my God! Look at what The Lightning Crew is doing! COACH They’re targeting John Brickston’s right hand! They’re trying to break it! CABOOSE That’s the way to go, Lightning Crew! Wall holds Brickston, and PRL superkicks him. PRL says the attack is not done yet, so Cuban Wall picks up Brickston, grabs him by the throat, and gives him a chokeslam! COLE What a disgusting attack! Tha Puerto Rican is nothing but scum! He’s a slimeball! CABOOSE I’m sure PRL doesn’t care about anything you have to say about him. The Lightning Crew laugh evilly at what they have just done. They high-five each other, watching John Brickston lie on the floor in pain, holding his stomach and his right hand. PRL spits on Brickston. Suddenly, The All-American Boys run towards The LC and attack! COLE Hey! The All-American Boys have arrived! COACH They’re repaying John Brickston for saving them last week! The All-American Boys beat up Cuban Wall and Vitamin X. Suddenly, Thomas Rodriguez zaps All-American Boy II with the stun taser. He then zaps All-American Boy III with the stun taser. Mr. Boricua clotheslines AAB II. PRL signals for a chokeslam. Mr. Boricua picks up AAB II and gives him a chokeslam onto the cold, hard concrete. Vitamin X shoves AAB III onto Mr. Boricua, who grabs him and gives him a chokeslam onto the concrete also. COLE My God, will somebody please stop this carnage! COACH The Lightning Crew has absolutely DESTROYED The All-American Boys and John “Rock Hard” Brickston! CABOOSE HA! HA! I love it! This is great! PRL has done it again! You gotta love that man! Cuban Wall splashes John Brickston. He gets up, and splashes AAB II. He gets up again, and splashes AAB III. CABOOSE And now those three poor saps are now flatten like pancakes. Aww, this just keeps getting better and better. The Lightning Crew stands victorious over The All-American Boys and John “Rock Hard” Brickston. Brickston is coughing, and holding his right hand. Cuban Wall grabs the OAOAST Italian Championship belt and puts it in Brickston’s face. CUBAN WALL You’re not going to hold this belt for long! Cuban Wall drops the belt next to Brickston. The OAOAST HeldDOWN~! logo flashes by on the screen again. The camera does a close-up of PRL laughing at the footage. The crowd boos. OKUERLAND There you have it folks. The Lightning Crew attacked John Brickston and The All-American Boys, and PRL is proud of it. P.R. Well, you get what you deserve. Brickston was long overdue for a beatdown of that magnitude. And he finally got his just desserts last week. OKUERLAND What about the rumours circulating that Brickston has broken ribs, and a broken right hand as a result of this attack? PRL Meh. Doesn't bother me. I won't shed a tear if Brickston is injured. Infact, I'll do an Ashlee Simpson-like hoedown if I find out he is seriously injured. Infact, you can join me Gene. We'll dance together just like when you danced with the Gobbledygooker at the 1990 Survivor Series! GENE (annoyed) No thanks. PRL Fine, be that way! “MEAN” GENE Well, what about The All-American Boys? PRL Well, they shouldn’t have put their noses in my business. Just because Brickston saved them a few weeks back does not give them the right to inject themselves into Lightning Crew affairs. But they did, so we responded by kicking their asses. Sorry All-American Boys, but hopefully this will teach you a lesson you’ll never forget. (PRL smiles at the camera.) CROWD “P.R. SUCKS!” “MEAN” GENE OKUERLAND PRL, incase you didn’t know, John Brickston also issued a challenge against you for School’s Out. Let’s take a look. The OAOAST HeldDOWN~! logo flashes by on the screen. A caption reads: OAOAST HeldDOWN~! MAY 5, 2005 BRICKSTON You tell PRL, you tell him, I want his ass at School’s Out! I want to kick his ass at School’s Out! I’M GOING TO DESTROY THA PUERTO RICAN AT SCHOOL’S OUT! I WILL! Brickston continues being checked by the medical personnel. COLE John Brickston is bleeding from the mouth, and yet he still has the strength to issue a challenge to PRL for School’s Out. COACH Brickston has had enough of PRL. He was screwed out of the 24/7 Title at Living Anglelously! The Lightning Crew viciously attacked him tonight! He wants to settle this at School’s Out; the question is whether or not Tha Puerto Rican will accept the challenge. COLE Who knows what he has suffered. Broken ribs? A broken hand? What injuries does he have thanks to this attack? CABOOSE Hopefully injuries bad enough that cause him to retire. COACH Why you got to be such an ass? CABOOSE Why you got to be such an idiot? COACH Uh...I don't know. BRICKSTON I want to kick PRL’s ass at School’s Out! The OAOAST HeldDOWN~! logo flashes by on the screen, taking us back to the HeldDOWN~! interview area. “MEAN” GENE So, P.R., the people want to know. Will you accept John “Rock Hard” Brickston’s challenge for a match against him at School’s Out? Tha Puerto Rican thinks it over for a few seconds. PRL Hmmm. Uh…NO! Crowd boos. “MEAN” GENE And why not? PRL Why not? Because Brickston hasn’t shown me that he deserves a rematch! He had his chance, and he BLEW IT! It’s his own damn fault that he didn’t become the 24/7 Champion at Living Anglelously. Just because he feels like he was screwed out of the 24/7 Title at Living Anglelously, even though everyone and their grandmother knows Brickston hit me in the head with a pair of brass knuckles, he wants to fight me again? Uh-Uh! Tha Puerto Rican says this, until Brickston proves to me that he deserves a shot at my 24/7 Title, there will be NO REMATCH! The crowd boos. Suddenly, an idea pops into PRL’s head, and he starts speaking again. PRL But tell you what, (in a mocking tone): “Rock Hard”, (normal, high pitched voice): you want to fight me so bad at School’s Out? You can. Except it will NOT be in a one-on-one match. Once again, there will be NO REMATCH. Instead, I want to treat my Lightning Bolts to a tag match. An 8-Man Tag Match to be exact. That’s right, at School’s Out, on May 29th, there will be an 8-Man Tag Team Match with moi, Stephen Joseph Popick, Cuban Wall, and Vitamin X. And we will be taking on John Brickston, and three partners of his choice. It doesn’t matter whom. It can be a current star, or a star from the past. It can be a rookie or a legend. It can even be someone off the street I don’t care. As long you find 3 partners, it’s all good. So, come on down to Washington D.C. for School’s Out on Sunday May 29th, you bring your guys, and I’ll bring my guys, and we’ll have a match. And Brickston, I am looking forward very much to laying the smackdown on you and your partner’s candy asses! PRL does the laying the smackdown hand gesture (although it looks like he is trying to make a sandwich). THA PUERTO RICAN And John, if you do manage to beat my team, I may consider letting you have a rematch against me for the 24/7 Title somewhere down the road. But you will have to beat my team in order for me to consider it. I’m not going to be soft; I am going to kick your ass all over the capital of the United States Of America! So, go ahead, find three people to be on your team. It doesn’t matter who you pick, because the end result will be the same. The Lightning Crew on top. And your team, down for the count. 1-2-3. THE CHAMP HAS SPO-KUN~!!! “The Corporate Champion” Tha Puerto Rican leaves the interview area with the 24/7 Championship belt in tow. The crowd continues it’s booing of PRL. “MEAN” GENE OKUERLAND Well, you heard it here, ladies and gentlemen. Tha Puerto Rican, Popick, Cuban Wall, and Vitamin X will take on John “Rock Hard” Brickston, and three partners of his choice in an 8-Man Tag Team Match at School’s Out on May 29th. Who will Brickston choose to be his partners? Hopefully, we will find out soon. Michael Cole, Coach, Caboose, back to you guys at Sofa Central for more HeldDOWN~! COACH This is one long-ass segment! CABOOSE Sometimes they get long. COACH Oh, believe me, the Coach knows about "long." CABOOSE I-- ugh.....urp....*vomits* COACH Two weeks runnin'! Green Day's "Boulevard Of Broken Dreams" hits as three yellow lights shine down on the entranceway, mildly waking up the crowd who haven't had much to cheer about the tag team coming out at this time. GREEN PYRO MISSILES blast out of the staging area, followed by the appearance of the Sk8ter Boiz . BUFFER The following contest is a non-title match set for one fall, with a 15 minute time-limit. Introducing first, weighing 345 pounds, from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, The Marv and Hell Mel, the SK8TER BOIZ! The Boiz get a nice ovation, but nowhere near the levels of past fan favorites such as the GPX or C.O.D. The Marv rides a SKATEBOARD to the ring, slapping as many hands as possible as he passes by. We zooms in on Marv's BUTT, written on the back: "LOOK BEHIND YOU." Pan around -- Hell Mel also slapping the fans' hands, a couple of young female fans, around 8-10 years old, reaching over the railing and tugging on Mel's unbuttoned dark blue blazer. Head of Security CARL WINSLOW intervening and politely asking the girls to let a smiling Mel go. COACH NEVER MIND WHY HE IS STILL ALIVE!!! COLE I find our next matchup to be very interesting, guys. We have the hungry young lions from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, the Sk8ter Boiz going up against the experience OAOAST World Tag Team champions, the New New Midnight Express with Jim Cornette. Both teams have beef with one another. The New New Midnight Express are upset the Sk8ter Boiz assisted C.O.D. in the infamous "Weekend at Neddy's" video. In response to that, the newly crowned tag team champions ambushed Marvin and Melvin Nerdly backstage, leaving them a bloody mess, presumably by using the sharpe ice skate found dripping with blood nearby. This is the first-time we'll see the Sk8ter Boiz in action since their attack a couple weeks back. It was a match they asked for, and was granted by OAOAST officials. CABOOSE Let's not forget to inform the public the New New Midnight Express agreed to this match, Cole. Do not try to spin this. COACH The Coach was talking with OAOAST agent Terry Taylor -- the Rooster himself -- earlier today about this very match, fellas, and he told me the Sk8ter Boiz are two of the most talented men he's ever seen, they just haven't had a chance to show what they can do. Well tonight they're going to have that chance, because they're not facing just another tag team. They're facing the two-time OAOAST World Tag Team champions, the New New Midnight Express. DUM, DUM, DUM, DUM... The synthesizied beat of Giorgio Moroder "Chase" begins blaring through the speakers, the fans wasting no time letting their voices be heard as they viciously boo the 3 men coming out onto the stage -- the New New Midnight Express and Jim Cornette. BUFFER And their opponents. Accompanied to the ring by their manager Jim Cornette, weighing 465 pounds, the professional wrestling Tag Team champions of the World, the NEW NEW MIDNIGHT EXXXXPRESSSS! All 3 men jog to the ring and climb up the ring steps. James E. Cornette sits on the second rope and holds the top rope up for his men, following them in after they've both entered. "Sarcastic" Simon Singleton and "Narcissistic" Ned Blanchard remove their tag title belts and pose for the cameras along with their manager in the corner. They hand Cornette the belts, which he then drapes across his shoulders and exits the ring, taunting a couple of hecklers wearing Heavenly Rockers gear ringside. The Midnights and the Boiz remove their entrance attire -- vests, blazers, etc. -- leaving Hell Mel as the only one wearing anything but his ring gear left; a red mesh tank top with "Matix" on the front. Each team huddles in their respective corners and share last-minute words before breaking. Sarcastic Simon and Narcissistic Ned form an "X" with their forearms and bash them together. The Marv and Hell Mel double high fiving, catching each other on the rebound and chest bump. Narcissistic Ned and Hell Mel exit the ring, Sarcastic Simon and The Marv left to start the match. * DING DING * COLE Referee Nick Patrick calls for the bell and we're officially underway. The Sk8ter Boiz vs. the New New Midnight Express in a non-title match! CABOOSE I know there's a 15 minute time-limit, but I have this one over in under 5. You have the reigning tag team champions against an inexperience team. COLE Well, matches aren't won on paper or on the words of a broadcast commentator. Sarcastic Simon and The Marv lockup. Marv with a go-behind into a hammerlock, and then into a SCHOOL BOY which gets two! While only a two-count, it sends shockwaves through Jim Cornette and Narcissistic Ned. They, nor did anybody else for that matter, expect to see the Boiz manage to get a quick pin attempt so soon into the match. Sarcastic Simon, meanwhile, doesn't have the opportunity to absorb what James E. and the Handsome Hustler did, as The Marv stays on the offensive, scooping Singleton up in the air and slamming him back down to the mat. The Sultan of Sarcasm avoids an elbow drop and tries to catch Marv with one of his own, but The Marv rolls out of the way and Singleton's ends up hitting nothing but canvas. Simon gets up holding his right elbow. Nerdly grabs ahold of Simon's left wrist and whips him across the ring, taking him up and over by the right arm for a HIPTOSS, Singleton's right elbow landing hard on the mat. The Marv turns away from Simon and falls backwards, the back of his head smacking with Simon's. ROCK N' FAKIE (Reverse diving headbutt)! He makes the cover and hooks the leg, while holding onto the back of his head. Nick Patrick goes down to make the count. ONE... TWO... NO! SIMON KICKS OUT. CABOOSE What an idiot! Who the bloody hell uses a reverse diving headbutt, huh? He could've knocked himself out cold that way. COLE It's a small price to pay to collect a win. CABOOSE I'll give you that. As the first-ever two-time OAOAST Champion, I wrestled through aches and pain, all of which was worth it if I left the arena that night with the belt still in my hands. But if Nerdly had knocked himself out -- the closest thing he'll get to knocking up anything -- who would have made the pin? He couldn't; he's out cold. Melvin can't; he's not the legal man. The answer: He would have gotten pinned. The Boiz focus in on Simon's right arm, now that he is favoring it after missing the elbow drop earlier. Armbar applied. The Marv takes him over to his corner and tags Hell Mel in. Mel leaps to the top -- SHOOTING STAR DOUBLE-AXEHANDLE ONTO SIMON'S RIGHT ARM, getting the crowd out of their seats for the new twist on an old move. Arm ringer applied. Melvin, a.k.a. Hell Mel, yanks on the arm, flipping Sarcastic Simon over and dropping a couple of legdrops across the arm. Mel keeps a wristlock on Simon as he gets back up. THUMB TO THE EYE! Sarcastic Simon thumbed Mel in the eye, and he quickly tags out, bringing in the fresher man. "Narcissistic" Ned Blanchard slingshots over the top and lands perfectly in the ring on his feet. He charges Nerdly, but Hell Mel takes him over with an armdrag. Ned rises back to his feet and is met by a right hand. A disoriented Ned staggers towards the corner -- the wrong corner, the Sk8ter Boiz corner -- and takes a right from The Marv that sends him stagger back to Hell Mel who sends Blanchard right back where he came from following another right. The Boiz and the crowd have some fun with the Handsome Hustler before Hell Mel whips him to the ropes. Blanchard leapfrogs over a ducking Mel, but is dropped on his back following a DOUBLE LEG TAKEDOWN. Hell Mel somersaults over, holding onto Blanchard's legs. ONE... TW-- Narcissistic Ned slaps Hell Mel across his midsection with the palm of his hands and BRIDGES UP, attempting a BACKSLIDE but Melvin fights it. The Marv comes in and DROPKICKS HIS OWN BROTHER, sending him floating over the back of Ned and hits a TILT-A-WHIRL ROCK BOTTOM! The cover! ONE... TWO... TH-- SIMON BREAKS UP THE PIN! Hell Mel calls for his brother to join him in the ring. They wait for Ned to get back on his feet and nail him flush in the jaw with a DOUBLE DROPKICK, Ned tumbling out of the ring. Sarcastic Simon and Jim Cornette coverge outside with Narcissistic Ned, Simon massaging his shoulders while James E. fans him with his racket. Hell Mel tags in The Marv, and the Sk8ter Boiz stand mid-ring, pumping their fists, soaking in the cheers. COLE The Sk8ter Boiz proving their more than a comedy act. I know Jim Cornette and his men did not expect this. Narcissistic Ned slides back into the ring, sneering. Sarcastic Simon extends his hand out for a tag, but Ned shakes his head, wanting to stay into this match. He walks up to The Marv and points to Hell Mel standing on the apron. That's who he wants to face. Marv looks around the building, asking the fans if he should tag Mel. All the yelling and screaming inside the arena indicate yes. TAG MADE! Narcissistic Ned attempts to intimidate his 20-year-old opponent by showcasing an array of martial arts maneuvers, much to the delight of Jim Cornette and the distain of the fans. After a standoff, the two engage in a GRECKO-ROMAN KNUCKLELOCK! A big smile emerges on Ned's face as he brings Hell Mel to his knees and makes him scream for mommy. The Marv encourages the crowd to get behind Mel by furiously slapping the top turnbuckle. On cue, the crowd begins clapping their hands. Mel starts nodding his head, his legs trembling as he dramatically rises back to his feet. Hell Mel backs Narcissistic Ned up against the ropes with a succession of stinging kicks to the midsection. He leaps onto Ned's thighs and takes him over with an armdrag. Just as quickly Ned gets back up, he goes back down with another beautifully executed armdrag. This time Ned stays down and plays possum, waiting for Mel to come over and pick him up before stunning him with a reverse elbow to the gut. Irish wh-- No, reversed by Mel. Sarcastic Simon with the blind tag. Blanchard ducks under a leapfrog, stops in his tracks and spins Nerdly around. Hell Mel avoids a clothesline, measures Ned and leaps onto his shoulders. HURRICARANA COUNTERED INTO A POWERBOMB! Narcissistic Ned countered the hurricarana into a powerbomb. He hooks Mel's legs and CATAPULTS him towards the center of the apron, where Sarcastic Simon comes off and connects with a SPRINGBOARD CLOTHESLINE! Jim Cornette hoots and hollers outside as Sarcastic Simon stomps Hell Mel, making him squirm around. He brings him back to a vertical base and sets him up for a back suplex, but instead bounces Mel's legs on the top rope and then drops him across his right knee. SLINGSHOT BACKBREAKER! COLE Oh, my! The experience of the New New Midnight Express really coming through here. The Sk8ter Boiz had fought a competive battle up until this point. You gotta believe their window of opportunity closed shut once the New New Midnight Express regain control of the match. COACH They never had a chance, Mikey. Quite frankly, The Coach is surprised they've lasted this long. So I'll give them props for that. Not mad props, but props nonetheless. And The Coach doesn't give props easily. ONE... TWO... THR-- NO! SHOULDER UP. Singleton lifts Mel up and slam-- NO, COUNTERED INTO A SMALL PACKAGE! ONE... TWO... THRE-- NO! SIMON KICKS OUT! Narcissistic Ned enters. He and Simon stun Mel momentarily with a double-kick. They whip him to the ropes. DOUBLE-TEAM FLAPJA-- MEL TAKES THE NNMX OUT WITH A DDT! The Midnights had him up in the air, but Hell Mel hooked both their heads and DDT'd them. The buzz in the arena grows as Mel crawls to his corner, The Marv stretching out as far as he possibly can. Jim Cornette pounds the apron outside with both hands. Simon and Ned are just beginning to stir. Simon makes one last attempt to prevent Mel from making the tag, grabbing his leg, but Mel lunges forward and JUST BARELY grazes the tip of Marv's hand, the crowd ERUPTING as Nick Patrick claps both hands overhead, signaling a tag has been made. COLE There it is! The Marv coming in a house afire. Right hands for everybody. Down goes Simon. Down goes Ned. Jim--Jim Cornette's hopped on the apron. And he gets hammered with a right hand too! The Sk8ter Boiz jump on the top rope and wait for the New New Midnight Express to near them. Sarcastic Simon and Narcissistic Ned staggering around the ring. They turn around and look up. STEREO CROSS BODYBLOCKS! Marv on Simon, Mel on Ned. ONE... TWO... THREE! Crowd EXPLODES! * DING DING DING DING * COACH Oh, my God! COLE Sk8ter Boiz win! Sk8ter Boiz win! Sk8ter Boiz win! I don't believe it. Sk8ter Boiz win! Cornette brushes up against the apron, sobbing, his face bright red. The Marv and Hell Mel are jumping up and down in the ring, full of excitement. The cheers of the crowd turn into boos, as THE 70'S DUDE hits the ring and nails both Boiz with his tye-die X-TITLE! A 4-on-2 beat down ensures, with the New New Midnight Express and Jim Cornette joining the Dude in beating the Sk8ter Boiz. The crowd ROARS as THE SUPERSTAR JAMES ALLEN sprints to the ring with a STEEL CHAIR in hand. The heels immediately bail out. OAOAST officials meeting them halfway to the back, making sure this doesn't escalate any further. COLE HeldDOWN is out of control!

HeldDOWN~! is filmed before a live studio audience. The cameras cut to a shot of OAOAST Head of Security CARL WINSLOW~ to a big pop. Carl stands at the desk of Josie Baker, the show's illustrious General Manager. JOSIE (smiling) Carl, in honor of the show being held in your hometown of Chicago, as well as the great job you've done lately, I've decided to give you the night off. Carl grins from ear to ear. CARL Thank you so much, Ms. Baker. I can't wait to get home to Harriet. JOSIE Well, that's my other surprise, Carl. Harriet called, and she's on her way here with your whole family -- Laura, Eddie, even little Richie. And I've given them all backstage passes. Carl's mouth drops in shock. CARL Really?! Wow! That's...well that's amazing! Josie laughs. JOSIE Yeah! I thought they deserved to see "the big guy" in action! CARL Wow, this is great! Thanks, Ms. Baker! JOSIE No problem, Carl. Now, why don't you have a seat and enjoy the show until they get here. You can even use my office, I've got some things to take care of. Josie gets up and walks around her desk, patting Carl on the arm. Carl smiles and sits in the chair, leaning back. JOSIE Don't you get too comfy, there. I'll be back for it later. Carl laughs, and Josie smiles as she heads out the door. Carl grabs the nearby TV remote and aims it at the small set on Josie's desk. CARL Now, to watch my favorite show. Carl clicks the remote and...nothing happens. CARL What the... Carl clicks it again, and the TV stays blank. Carl tries turning it on by hand, but no avail. CARL What the hell? A knock at the door. CARL Come in. The door opens and it's.... STEVE URKEL! URKEL Hi big guy! Carl looks up, and rolls his eyes. Steve is carrying a big box. CARL Stevem what are you doing here? URKEL I'm meeting your family! They got me a backstage pass too. Want some CHEEEEEEESE? CARL No thanks. Hey, Steve, can you give me a hand with this TV? URKEL Oh, come now Carl. Who needs television when you can have Urkelvision? Urkel reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of what look like ski goggles. CARL .....Urkelvision? URKEL Urkelvision! Here, try it on! The grinning Steven Q. Urkel moves toward Carl, but the Chief of Security recoils. URKEL Come on big guy, it's perfectly safe! Carl hesitates. CARL Well...if you say so... Carl yields, and Urkel hands him the goggles. Carl slips them on. CARL Okay. Now what? Urkel turns a dial on the side of the eyewear. URKEL Now you just twist this and...voila! The goggles start to flash, and Carl smiles. CARL Hey! This is pretty cool! URKEL Yessir, the Urkelvision 5000 is my best model! How's the fit? CARL Well actually, they are a little loose. URKEL Try the dial on the left. Carl turns the dial, and smiles. CARL Hey, that tightened them! URKEL Yep, it's all electronic! CARL Wow. Hey...hey Steve, they're still tightening! URKEL What? CARL The goggles, they're...they're still getting tighter! Oh no! URKEL Oh no! Urkel tries to pull them off of Carl's head, swinging Carl into a file cabinet and knocking it over! CARL STEVE!! URKEL Whoopsie! Urkel pulls the other way, and Carl slams into the desk, knocking Josie's papers all around. CARL STEVE HELP ME!! URKEL Hold on big guy, I almost got it! Steve pulls and-- *KA-BOOM* CARL WINSLOW'S HEAD EXPLODES!!!! The goggles come flying off, resting on Josie's desk as Carl Winslow's lifeless, headless body falls forward. SHAO KAHN FATALITY. URKEL .....Did I do that? HeldDOWN is presented by OAOAST Entertainment. *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* OAOAST HeldDOWN~! The annoying, grating strains of Ashlee Simpson's LaLa play over the TV sets of America, for one more week, anyway. Our opening montage airs, with clips of Carl Winslow that seem out of place, now. At the end of it all, our amazing, high-tech logo flashes upon the screen... And we cut LIVE to the arena, in the busy windy city of Chicago, home of Chris Jericho's WWF debut. I was there! Somewhere in the upper deck someone is sitting in my seat. There has to be, because we are SOLD-OUT, and this crowd is LOUD and loving it. There's a lot of men in the crowd, and this fact is most pleasing to our announce team, Triple C, at Sofa Central at ringside. COLE WELCOME TO HELDDOWN!!!!!! COACH I LIKE MEN! COLE ME TOO! And I especially like foreign men, and tonight we're gonna see one. The official debut of Igor Stoyanovich. CABOOSE It's a massacre waiting to happen. Also tonight, we'll see the HI-YAH tag titles defended in a four-way bout! What action! COLE We're also gonna hear more from the GPX about their shocking actions last week. In fact, word is that they're just entering the building.... We cut to one of the entrances backstage, just in time to see Scotty Static and Johnny "Jam" Jackson, the Global Party Exchange, setting foot in the arena. The crowd, seeing the heralded tag team on the Angletron in the arena, begin booing, as they're not happy with the actions of the GPX from last week. The GPX walk into the lockerroom carrying their bags. They walk past a scowling Alfdogg, and the Original Elite. Immediately, Dan Black and Tony Brannigan spring to their feet and prepare to launch an attack, but CWM pushes them both back down and gets up, stepping towards the two apprehensive youngsters. CWM: HEY! I want to talk to you little punks! The GPX look at CWM, giving him the once over, and chuckle. Scotty Static:"Little punks"? Dude, c'mon now...you sound like one of those old neighbors you'd see in a sitcom. CWM:There you go with the "old" stuff again. You know, a lot of us aren't much older than you, but last week you guys seemed to have a lot to say about us "old timers". A lot to say, but not a lot of respect. Jonny Jackson: Easy gramps, we've got respect. Respect for OURSELVES. We're tired of playing the waiting game while you guys find oh so new and exciting ways to hate each other. I'm sick of it, Scotty's sick of it, and... Scotty Static:...and we figured we'd give you a little extra motivation to step aside. CWM: You listen to me, I'm not stepping aside. Black T isn't stepping aside, Alfdogg isn't stepping aside, none of us are stepping aside. We've put our blood, sweat, and tears into this company and we're not going to leave just because some young punks want us to. Scotty Static: You talk a good game but can you back it up? CWM: Can I back it up? Kid, I've been in the ring with people better than you, and they've beaten me worse. I've been thrown off the tops of Cells, sent through the windshield of an ambu... Johnny Jackson: Yeah yeah, enough with the history lesson. You wanna go tonight? Black T wanna go tonight? CWM: Nah, no Black T, they can have you guys later. Tonight, I'm gonna show you what happens when you write checks your ass can't cash. Scotty Static: Ooooooh, that cliche has me SH-SH-SHAKIN'! Alright, washout, I'll take you up on your offer. After all, we've kicked your boys asses before...shouldn't have any trouble with the weak link of the team. With that, Jackson and Static look for a better, safer spot to gear up for later on, as CWM fumes over the arrogance of the two upstarts before we cut back to Sofa Central! COLE Oh my! CWM against...Scotty Static?! What a match! COACH Absolutely, but fans, we're being told there's no more time to waste! We are gonna see the debut of Igor Stoyanovich...NOW! CABOOSE I can't wait!! The cameras cut to Michael Buffer, standing in the ring. BUFFER The following Tag Team contest is scheduled for ONE FALL! I’ve exposed your lies baby And underneath is no big surprise Now it’s time for changing and cleansing everything To forget your love “Plug in Baby” starts up as the crowd quickly descend into a chorus of boos for the first team. Gunner Sharps makes his way through the curtain first, and holds it open for his partner, the number one contender, Crystal. Both Crystal and Gunner are looking confident with their upcoming match, knowing that if they get their way, it’ll be a glorified handicap match. CABOOSE This was a stroke of genius by Crystal and Gunner guys, come on, getting Igor in the ring with Hoff? Brilliant, I say. COLE I hate to agree with you ‘Boose, but this won’t be pretty! BUFFER Introducing first, the team of GUNNER SHARPS, and THE FEMALE PHENOM, CRYYYYYYYYYSTTTTTTAAAAAAALLLLLL!!! “BOOOOOOOOOOOO!” CABOOSE Couldn’t the fans come up with a more original chant? “CABOOSE IS GHEY! CABOOSE IS GHEY!” CABOOSE Wow, I didn’t think they could all hear me. BOOM! “The Clincher” hits as the crowd go NUT for the big man, the second most popular wrestler in the OAOAST, Hoff! “The Future” gets greeted by a standing ovation from the massive sold out crowd, who break into “HOFF! HOFF! HOFF!” chants! COACH Chicago loves Hoff! CABOOSE Yeah, they also love the Cubs, which shows how much they know about anything. The big man stops at the entrance ramp, waiting for his ‘special’ partner. COACH Hehehe, Igor’s special. COLE YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE THAT! BUFFER And their opponents, first, from Minneapolis Minnesota, weighing in tonight at two hundred seventy-five pounds, THIS, IIIIIIIIIIIISSSSS HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!! “The Clincher” dies down, only to be replaced by… The SOVIET FUCKING ANTHEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! “YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHH! I-GOR! I-GOR!” BUFFER And his partner, IGOR STOYAAAAAAANOOOOOOOOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICH!!!!!!!!!!!! Igor, perplexed at a huge ovation for the second week in a row, comes through the curtain, fascinated that all these people are cheering for him. The Russian hero meets Hoff on the entrance ramp, who whispers something in his ear, and the two charge down to the ring! COLE Well I would guess that Hoff is starting out the match here. CABOOSE Oh, you would guess, huh? I think its logical for Igor to start out! COLE Why? CABOOSE So I can laugh at him getting destroyed by Crystal and Gunner is why! The two fan favourites slide into the ring and go face to face with their opponents. Well, not Igor, as he is more hiding behind Hoff who is going face to face with both of his opponents. The referee is about to motion for the bell to be rung… Cue: “Vertigo” by U2 CABOOSE Now what the hell is this! COLE It’s our boss! A healthy surprise pop greets Josie Baker, as we welcome her back to HeldDown after a holiday. Josie has a huge smile on her face, and a nice tan, awwwwww. She also has a MICROPHONE~! In hand. JOSIE Wait a second there guys and Crystal. You didn’t really think I’d let you all wrestle like this, did you? Come on, its Igor in there! I knew he’d cheat to win! COLE What? Crystal and Gunner are surprised by this heelish statement, that causes a few stray fans to boo. JOSIE So I’ve decided to appoint a special guest referee! “YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAHHH!” COLE I think we get the gist of it now… COACH CARL WINSLOW! CABOOSE Would somebody get him out of here. JOSIE And let me introduce you all to him right now. He is the man that will be facing Crystal, May 29 at School’s Out… Crystal starts to shake her head, furious at what is about to happen! JOSIE Ladies and gentlemen, the OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion… AXEL! I’D EAT YOU ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVEEEEEE! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! “YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” The crowd ERUPTS as the OAOAST Champion appears, referee shirt on, and title in hand. Axel walks down the ramp to no pyro, quickly steps into the ring, and goes face to face with Crystal! COLE Wow, Crystal is getting in the face of the referee! She wouldn’t want to be disqualified! CABOOSE She’s asking him about the time limit! Gunner Sharps steps in to try and get face to face with Axel, but the champion just points to his referee’s logo, infuriating Crystal and Gunner. Axel then looks over at Hoff, smiling, and then at Igor, who is jumping up and down clapping his hands. The Russian starts to go over to his corner… when he is stopped by Axel. COLE What’s the champ doing? Axel motions for IGOR to start the match, and Hoff to go to the corner! Hoff asks Axel what the hell he’s doing, but Axel just tells Hoff that Igor is starting the match! Hoff is pissed off about this, almost getting in Axel’s face, before realising that it won’t do any good, and stepping out onto the apron. COACH I really don’t know what Axel’s thinking here. Igor starting the match? Crystal sees that Igor is starting the match, and is suddenly excited at the prospect of beginning the contest. Igor and Crystal step into the center of the ring, and Axel calls for the opening bell. *DING DING DING* Crystal walks up to a hesitant Igor, laughing in the Russian’s face… and SLAPPING the tase out of his mouth! “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” COLE This is not going to be good guys. What’s the matter with Axel? Igor steps back and goes down to one knee, Crystal follows him, and bends down to pick the Russian up… …BUT IGOR GETS A SMALL PACKAGE! COLE SMALL PACKAGE! AXEL WITH THE COUNT! ONE!!!!!!!!!TWOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!THREEEEEEEEEE!!! “YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” COLE HE GOT IT! GIRO JUST PINNED CRYSTAL! CABOOSE THAT WAS A FAST COUNT! NO! Axel and Igor roll out of the ring, away from the furious Crystal and Gunner Sharps. Hoff joins them on the ramp, and the two share high fives and smiles all around! Igor is overjoyed to get the win as The Russian National Anthem plays! CRYSTAL WAIT JUST A DAMN MINUTE! The music dies down, and Crystal takes the floor. CRYSTAL You wanna screw me champ? Huh? You wanna do that to me? Well how about we have another tag match tonight, and considering you and Hoff are so buddy buddy, Im sure you won’t mind! Me and Gunner versus you and Hoff. Axel nods in agreement, and Hoff agrees with the agreement, and Igor jumps up and down clapping. CRYSTAL Oh but it doesn’t end there Axel, you see, I want to add a little stipulation. The losers of tonight’s tag match? They’ll face off, one on one, next week on HeldDown! COLE WOW! Axel and Hoff look at each other, slightly hesitant, but soon break into laughter, as if they’ve been mocking it the whole time. Axel points at Crystal and shouts ‘YOU’RE ON!’ to a crown pop. CRYSTAL Well then after tonight, you two won’t be so buddy buddy anymore! See you then! “Plug in Baby” starts up again as Axel, Hoff and Igor walk up the ramp, arms raised in victory. Crystal and Gunner exit the ring and go down the side of the ramp. COLE What a tag match tonight! Crystal and Gunner versus Axel and Hoff, the losers face each other next week on HeldDown! We’ll be back!

Bret Hart? The guy is one of my favorite workers, ever, but here's a guy who was barely six feet, under 250 pounds, and the straight man on his tag team. He's a decent promo guy, but he's ever been on the level of the guys like Rock, Austin, Hogan, Flair, etc. And yet this guy worked his way up the ladder to become a five-time WWF champion, at one point synonymous with the company. It's not that he didn't deserve any of it, because he's phenomenal in-ring, but the fact that he did so in the valley of the giants is pretty astounding.

NO~!

NORMAL-SIZED DONUT

!!!

I'm gonna poison that @#$% donut.

Piss =/= smart

I might buy an album from Bo, but I like his stuff, so it's not exactly a shock.

KC =/= judge

Bingo. Furthermore, just because somebody isn't a "leader" backstage doesn't mean they are or are not a nice person. Your argument is fair enough, but this isn't a government trial, and there is no demand of proof beyond a reasonable doubt. There's tons of circumstantial evidence in Rico's favor, though, and that's good enough for me.

Lacey's very pretty, but the baser parts of me crave Lindsay. Or they used to...

You think Favre's gonna play for two more? After all the rumors, I could see him setting this season as his last. Win or go home.

You're not gonna rest until you have that donut, are you?

ur so cool d00d

Lacey Chabert's all well and good, but I'd take Lohan over her.

Aw.

Speak for yourself. I just did. Wait wait wait. Unless you have multiple personality disorder, Plague, you clearly did NOT just speak for yourself. I don't know what Rico is like as a person, but I've heard a lot of good stories about him on the net, and I can't recall any bad ones, so that's what I'm inclined to believe. If you haven't heard anything one way or the other, good for you, but you have no idea what "we" have seen or heard. Meh. Keep your opinion, I wouldn't want it anyhow. Your opinion is your ass hole, I wouldn't want it. Opinion, understanding of English, y'know, either way. Ban this fool.

That's not why. It was funny because you were being all calm about it, and Ill messed the fucker up out of the blue. He had no idea what hit him.

I would think that the contestants would have to choose relatively quickly to help the band out. But who knows, they very well could learn all the songs. If so I hope they're well compensated.

WUT. Back before the...tragedy, Lohan would have mopped the floor with Kelly. Sorry, preppy, but it's the truth.

I don't think it counts for the contest, but it was pretty funny. HTQ was being all nice to the guy, and all of a sudden Ill chopped his head off.

http://raisedbykubrick.com/otherstuff/lohan23ik.jpg

WTF? Oh, it's an in-joke. I get it. *spinebusters Charlie Matthews*

Lindsay Lohan; ....drugs?