Times when you tried to hold it in

[alfdogg 0]

This was a conversation from about four years ago when I worked at McDonald's. This girl had broken up with her boyfriend earlier that day (or the day before, can't quite remember) after he was arrested on some kind of drug-related charges. She was talking with one of our co-workers, and eventually he said

 

"I can hook you up with my friend so-and-so (can't remember)."

 

Girl: "does he do drugs?"

 

His answer:

 

"Yeah, he smokes cigarettes."

 

........................................................

 

I nearly vomited, I laughed so hard.

 

I'm sure I'll come up with more, but until them, what are some others?

[Guest I Got Banned for Sucking]

When my stepdad spent over an hour cooking a steak to perfection up the beach, only to drop it in the sand.

[Guest Dids]

Any steak that's been cooked for an hour is goig to be horrible.

 

At this point you're just trying to suck- right?

[Guest I Got Banned for Sucking]

Well, I don't know if it was an hour, but boy did he cook that thing to perfection. He went for a walk on his own when it was rendered inedible.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

When this one girl I know told me she was pregnant. She wasn't thrilled.

[kkktookmybabyaway 0]

When I worked at this theater we had this guy in a wheelchair who would always come in -- everyone hated him. Well, he was bragging about how he went to some public funtion that had him and some others whining about how there aren't enough ramps on city streets. I then said "Well wouldn't that be unfair to blind people becuase they frequently use curbs to tell when a street is nearby." He got mad and rammed me with his motorized wheelchair, said he hated me and left. Problem was instead of leaving via the ramp that was installed in our theater he tried going over a step (He was slightly drunk at the time) and fell over, wheelchair and all...

[Guest The Winter Of My Discontent]

This is easy

 

Back yonder in high school we had a spare for gym class. The catch was that we all had to write our names on a piece of paper so the Principal knew that we didn't leave the school. I don't know why we had to stick around, but we did. ANYWAY, we decided to crackwise as only typical grade 9/10'ers would and wrote the names Rodney King and I.P Freely on the list.

 

So

 

The Principal comes into the area that we are all staying and decides to read the list out loud! hah. So we're sitting there all calming as he goes down the list. He hits Rodney King. His words

 

Principal: "Rodney King. Where's Rodney. Rodney better not have left. If anyone sees Rodney King tell him to come see me."

 

Now we're kinda laughing. It was pretty funny he didn't catch on, but the next name is I.P Freely. He had to catch this one, right? Not a chance. BUT, what is even worse, he mis-read the hand writing

 

Principal: "J.P Freely. J.P Freely. Soooooo J.P decided to leave early today."

 

Man we were falling out of our fucking chairs

 

Principal: "Whats so funny? Ohhhh, I know whats going on. J.P decided to cut class. He can't sneak this one past me.

 

That was it, we were fucking dying. I couldn even contort my body to sit down, I lost all control of normal human motor skills. I was on the ground.

 

Funny enough, he caught on 3 days later! And called us all down to the office. It took him three days to realise a J. P Freely did not attend our school.

[Lil' Bitch 0]

Seeing an old lady slip on some water at my local grocery store. I tried my damndest to hold it in, but I couldn't help it. Then I scurried off before she could even think of beating me down with her cane and her purse.

 

Thats not funny.

 

At all.

 

At the time it happened, it was.

[Guest The Winter Of My Discontent]

Seeing an old lady slip on some water at my local grocery store. I tried my damndest to hold it in, but I couldn't help it. Then I scurried off before she could even think of beating me down with her cane and her purse.

Thats not funny.

 

At all.

[Nighthawk 0]

Any steak that's been cooked for an hour is goig to be horrible.

 

At this point you're just trying to suck- right?

Come on now, Dids. Saying something happened for an hour is a common euphemism and has no need to be taken literally. He has plenty of rope to hang himself with, we don't need to throw him more.

 

My story relating to this thread is watching my mother crash the car into the neigbors house. It had been raining and the driveway was full of water, so I got out up the street so as not to get my shoes wet. I watched her drive up, apparently hit the gas instead of the brake, careen wildly and smash into the neighbors front porch. I was only 90% sure she wasn't seriously injured, but I had to laugh anyway.

[Guest FrigidSoul]

My High School shop teacher told us always to pay attention to the table saw and to wear goggles when at the table saw. Well one of the kiss ass students in my class was talking to him while he was sawing a long board of pine and he looked at the kid while talking back at him. He wasn't wearing goggles and the saw hit a knot causing him to cut his hand on the saw, sawdust to go flying up into his eyes, and me laughing at his stupidity.

[Nevermortal 0]

At the tail end of sophmore year, some freshman girl had died in a gruesome car crash.

 

The day before, I had sliced the palm of my hand open throwing a piece of driftwood into a lake for a video, not knowing that the wood had a rusty fucking nail hanging off of it. I cleaned the wouind and decided to treat it with some 4x4 bandage pads and an ACE wrapping around it.

 

Fast forward to the Monday where we all came back from the weekend to hear of this girl dying. The school decided to hold four memorial services (for each class, with the Freshmen's being longer for obvious reasons).

 

During mine, I had sat with most of my friends and even some people I barely talked to. I was adjusting my bandage when all of a sudden, the 4x4 pad SHOT out of my palm, landing about 5 rows down and in the aisle. I quickly got up and retrieved it.

 

When I got back, all my friends and pretty much the entire section was in absolute hysterics, all while the Principal is up there telling us where to go if we were grieving, who we should talk to, etc. I joined them in laughing until we were shot an evil eye by a teacher.

 

It was one of the top 10 moments of my life. :-)

[Youth N Asia 0]

Around Christmas time. Target.

 

We had an assload of board game. They were just being stacked up high on a riser. I was just kinda watching cause I had to wait for my boss to get back with some papers I needed to sign. So I'm watching the guy on the ladder, and the guy who's just opening boxes and stacking the games. He's putting them in huge stacks so he can just pass them up the ladder.

 

Now there are about a dozen stacks that are 5 foot tall each I'd guess. The guy on the floor hands him the first stack, and he overreaches and falls off the ladder front flipping onto the board games. He lands hard but it ok, but the damn games go sailing.

 

That by itself is funny enough, but the guy gets up and just goes crazy with cursing and kicks "Cranium" (game) and it crashes into a BRATZ display and knocks a bunch of those down.

 

So I calmly put my hand over my mouth, get away as fast as I can, and start laughing my ass off when I get in the backroom.

[Ted the Poster 0]

Six or seven years ago some friends and I were having a wrestling "match" on the trampoline. We each chose a wrestler, so I chose Undertaker(still the mark days) and my buddy Jon picks Juvi. Jon climbs to the "top rope" and goes for a 450. Of course since I'm the all-powerful Undertaker I'm not going to take that, so I sit up. I grab Jon and chokeslam him. Now, anyone who has ever used a trampoline knows what "double bounce" means. When Jon lands from the chopkeslam, I unknowingly double bounce him. The way he lands catapults him up and over the trampoline. He flies about five more feet before landing on the ground with a resounding thud. Ten seconds later he starts to move and I can't control myself any longer. I laughed until I almost pissed myself.

[Guest drdrainoscott]

This weekend I was eating dinner outside with three of my friends when a bird took a shit on my head. Now, while that would be funny enough, the waitress comes over to try to make me feel better. She tells me this story of how she was in New York over the summer with two friends that were Russian and she got shit on too. Then she says that one of her Russian friends said to her, "11 million people in New York city, and you got shit on". The only thing is, that when she was quoting her Russian friend, she gave him a Jamacan accent. I bust out laughing right in her face when she did that. It was very funny.

[spiny norman 0]

Once I was at my great grandmother's funeral, and the priest was giving the eulogy. It was a very sad and sombre scene, as one can imagine. Anyway, as I tried to gulp back a tear, I actually began to choke. So I began coughing violently, unable to breathe and so my mother who was sitting next to me had to hit me on the back a few times. Afterwards I began laughing, trying to hold it in as well as I could, and then I was just told to just leave and compose myself before coming back. So I stepped out and burst into laughter only to find my uncle standing outside as he'd been unable to bear the funeral. I think to this day he is still pissed off with me.

[Sandman9000 0]

Could have been worse; he could have done something about one of his moron friends farting class or church or some dumb shit like that.

[The Czech Republic 0]

I was standing by the beef jerky display at Jewel-Osco, making my selection. Just standing perfectly still, not in the way. A stockboy comes running down the aisle as if something is urgent.

 

I have size 15 feet.

 

He tripped on my size 15 feet and fell on his face. He pulls himself together, starts running again, and bumps into a shelf. I had to run all the way across to the pharmacy section and burst out laughing.

[Guest Man Of 1,004 Modes]

I was working in my gorcery store about a year ago, and during the day a bunch of us were "Working" in one of the aisles. One of the older workers tells us this DISGUSTING story (about a man, a toilet, and a giant shit) that had us all busting out laughing...in full view of about 10 customers. I just fell down laughing because it was both gross and hilarious.

[DCMaximo 0]

When I was 13, being slightly overweight and wearing glasses (thankfully, I now wear contacts), I was a target for lunkheads to beat me up and one kid in particular took particular delight in beating my puny ass. One day in a woodwork class, this kid was shaping a piece of wood using a sander. One of his friends called out from across the class and, not being the sharpest tool in the shed, the guy looked up, forgetting that he was still sanding some wood. It was only when he felt unbearable pain that he realised that he'd just sanded the ends of his fingers, leaving him a flat end to his middle finger. It was only the fear of getting pummelled that kept me from bursting into laughter.

 

Of course, when I was at university several years later and news filtered from home that he'd driven into a tree and now walked with a permanent limp, I felt no need to restain myself from laughing.

[Guest Man Of 1,004 Modes]

When I was 13, being slightly overweight and wearing glasses (thankfully, I now wear contacts), I was a target for lunkheads to beat me up and one kid in particular took particular delight in beating my puny ass. One day in a woodwork class, this kid was shaping a piece of wood using a sander. One of his friends called out from across the class and, not being the sharpest tool in the shed, the guy looked up, forgetting that he was still sanding some wood. It was only when he felt unbearable pain that he realised that he'd just sanded the ends of his fingers, leaving him a flat end to his middle finger. It was only the fear of getting pummelled that kept me from bursting into laughter.

 

Of course, when I was at university several years later and news filtered from home that he'd driven into a tree and now walked with a permanent limp, I felt no need to restain myself from laughing.

Stick it to the man! Thats what I always say...if someone I hate suffers life altering injuries, I'll laugh in their face and dance around in a mocking manner while singing super freak.

[Slingshot Suplex 0]

This guy had bought a display model refridgerator from where I used to work. As we are getting ready to take the fridge outside to load into his truck.......he's walking all around the it and pointing out little dings in it. But he still wants it.

 

So I take it outside and we're standing there waiting for his friend to back the truck up to load it into. His friend, tailgate of the truck down, drives backwards and bumps the tailgate straight into the refridgerator door. The guy's jaw dropped and it was everything I could do to hold back busting out laughing.

 

But once back in the store, the hilarity commenced

[Ripper 0]

About a year after I moved to Atlanta, I was at the ATM at about 2:00 in the morning and this guy decides he is going to rob me. His weapon of choice...his SIZE~!.

 

He was about 6'2 and about 300lbs. I am about 5'6 so I guess he figured "Me bigger...me take money". So all I hear is "Shawty, you gone have to come up off dat." So I turn around expecting a gun, knife, hell eve a fucking stick and the guy has NOTHING but a mean face(oooooohhhh). Not even eluding to having anything. So...I started laughing and turned walked off. He just stood there and said "You happy I didn't fuck you up". Which made the chuckle turn to a belly laugh.

 

 

Good TImes.

[Firestarter 0]

I am about 5'6

Ripper's an elf. I knew it all along.

[Slayer 0]

I am about 5'6

You and Dames can go clothes shopping together

[Ripper 0]

I am about 5'6

Ripper's an elf. I knew it all along.

I'm 5'6" of pure sexy and a god on a basketball court, so that is all that matters.

[Guest I Got Banned for Sucking]

Any steak that's been cooked for an hour is goig to be horrible.

 

At this point you're just trying to suck- right?

Come on now, Dids. Saying something happened for an hour is a common euphemism and has no need to be taken literally. He has plenty of rope to hang himself with, we don't need to throw him more.

 

My story relating to this thread is watching my mother crash the car into the neigbors house. It had been raining and the driveway was full of water, so I got out up the street so as not to get my shoes wet. I watched her drive up, apparently hit the gas instead of the brake, careen wildly and smash into the neighbors front porch. I was only 90% sure she wasn't seriously injured, but I had to laugh anyway.

"An hour" is not a euphemism enough to not be taken literally.

 

Now that I've quoted that, I'd better comment on your story.

 

*Reads*

 

I probably would've laughed too.

 

Man, my mother will laugh unless someone has been hurt really badly. And I mean really badly.

[Firestarter 0]

I'm 5'6" of pure sexy and a god on a basketball court

I'm over two inches taller than you. Half a foot in heels.

 

I find this vastly amusing.

[Ripper 0]

I'm 5'6" of pure sexy and a god on a basketball court

I'm over two inches taller than you. Half a foot in heels.

 

I find this vastly amusing.

nothing wrong with being short. We can stand in frout of you abd be at the right level to get the job done if you get what I mean.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and what I mean is that we are closer to the pelvis area to perform oral sex on our female counterparts...

 

Th..thats what I meant.

[Guest Dynamite Kido]

I'm 5'6" of pure sexy and a god on a basketball court

I'm over two inches taller than you. Half a foot in heels.

 

I find this vastly amusing.

nothing wrong with being short. We can stand in frout of you abd be at the right level to get the job done if you get what I mean.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and what I mean is that we are closer to the pelvis area to perform oral sex on our female counterparts...

 

Th..thats what I meant.

oh, and you forgot

 

Ripper - Tellin bitches what to do with their mouth since 1994.