Van Hellsing: Thoughts, opinions, and criticism!

[The Ghost of bps21 0]

I saw it earlier today.

 

It ranked immediatly with The Patriot and Spiderman and Ransom as the worst movies I've ever sat through.

[tommytomlin 0]

I saw it last night. I thought it was a good, fun popcorn flick. Got a bit sick of people swinging on ropes to save people though. Who makes these ropes anyway? How do they get there? Why are they always the exact length the hero needs to swing to his destination?

[NoCalMike 0]

I have no reason to think Troy will be any good. Enough with these old euro epics. I mean how many more "2 sides of massive foot soldiers, charging at each other" do we need. It is played out already. I just don't find the story of TROY to all that interesting.

 

Van Helsing, well I love monster movies, but this looks more like a CGI bucket of grease. Who knows it MIGHT be decent.

[AndrewTS 0]

Mindless action flick loaded with cliches, more lucky breaks and improbable saves than I really wanted or hoped for. Indeed, there was too much swinging on ropes.

 

The CGI beasts I could have really done without.

 

After all the damage Anna took throughout the course of the movie, that was a hella lame death scene.

 

So, Dracula's kids are born dead and need zapped to be brought to life?

The hell?!

 

When Dracula dies, all his kids die? Double the hell?!!

 

Dracula's invincible except against werewolves...but he keeps werewolves around to do odd jobs for him...but in case one got enough guts he keeps an anti-werewolf serum around so he can cure any werewolf that rises up against him and tries to kill him. Triple the hell?!?

 

(I don't know who created the serum, why it would be placed somewhere where it would be useless if one of those werewolves attacked, or why Drac would let anyone of his underlings know he had this weakness. But, there you go.)

 

So, just what had Frankenstein's monster been feeding on? It seemed like farm animals, but the Transylvanian residents didn't notice all of them disappearing? Seems he'd eat a lot.

 

How did Drac and crew figure out how to do experiments similar to Frankenstein? Why is Frankenstein's castle RIGHT THERE anyway? Why was he so eager to spill his plans and then let Frankenstein die if he wasn't sure he had the knowledge he wanted? Why is apparently a human or the monster needed to be a middleman to be zapped while trying to bring his kids to life?

 

So, what the hell is Helsing that he's able to live hundreds of years? They hint at the "left hand of God" and call him "Gabriel," but that is still rather vague. He seems to be human and mortal, though.

 

Jackman and Beckinsdale were pretty decent in their roles, working as best they could with the material. Roxburgh chewed the scenery as you'd expect from a Dracula, but neither he or his women really had the air of your typical noble-blood vampire, and he didn't even really look the part.

 

The VH version of Frankenstein's monster also looked damn cool.

 

It's quite a letdown to see your favorite horror movie icons reduced to be playing cameos in a trumped-up action movie. There was enough material to make for several effective movies, but they were all crammed into one and didn't really all connect together well.

[Mole 0]

I saw it tonight and it was a decent movie. Going into it I wasn't expecting anything great so that helps when seeing a movie.

 

The acting was sub-par, the CGI was pretty sweet, the action was pretty sweet, and the story was sub-par. Sommers is the next John Woo; make the same movie every time, just change the characters and setting.

 

I'm not a big * rating person, so I give it a C. It was an average action movie, nothing less, nothing more.

[Vyce 0]

Jackman and Beckinsdale were pretty decent in their roles, working as best they could with the material. Roxburgh chewed the scenery as you'd expect from a Dracula, but neither he or his women really had the air of your typical noble-blood vampire, and he didn't even really look the part.

 

Roxburgh is in this? Ah....I thought Drac looked familiar from the commercials.

 

Anyone remember his shitty turn as Sherlock Holmes in the BBC production of "The Hound of the Baskervilles" a couple years back? Although I must be fair, that did have a rather bitching performance by Richard Grant.

[AndrewTS 0]

Jackman and Beckinsdale were pretty decent in their roles, working as best they could with the material. Roxburgh chewed the scenery as you'd expect from a Dracula, but neither he or his women really had the air of your typical noble-blood vampire, and he didn't even really look the part.

 

Roxburgh is in this? Ah....I thought Drac looked familiar from the commercials.

 

Anyone remember his shitty turn as Sherlock Holmes in the BBC production of "The Hound of the Baskervilles" a couple years back? Although I must be fair, that did have a rather bitching performance by Richard Grant.

Yup, Richard Roxburgh, who was also in, ironically, the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen last year.

[the pinjockey 0]

This movie sucked. Andrew pretty much summed up all of my what the hell?!? thoughts.

 

 

She dies from a fucking spear?!?

 

Way too many CGI characters just bouncing around every which way.

[Kahran Ramsus 0]

Having enjoyed the Mummy, I had reasonable expectations headed into this. I was hoping it would be more Mummy than Mummy Returns. Needless to say, it isn't nearly as good as Mummy Returns. Utter trash. Jackman deserves better.

[Anakin Flair 0]

My first thought upon seeing this movie: Van Helsing stole Undertakers' new hat!

 

Seriously, I enjoyed League more than this, and my friend whom I went with was offended by it. I should have seen Punisher instead.

 

And how did Anna survive numerous falls from unimaginable heights, being thrown through walls, doos, windows, floors, etc, bitch-slapped by the brides, only to die from a spear into a couch? The hell?!

 

Thumbs WAY down.

[Secret Agent 0]

You know, I actually wanted to go see Punisher today but because they had to have Van helsing on like 5 screens they only had 2 showings of Punisher today and at oddball ass times.

 

I really wanted to see Punisher too and this, but I'm not so sure after all the hate.

[treble 0]

What a steaming pile of shit this movie was. Just horrible all the way around, not much redeeming value (except for maybe Carl, he was kinda funny). This better get a shit load of Razzie nominations.

[Guest Mindless_Aggression]

Good Lord. This thing had just absolutely huge plotholes in it. And they knew it too, Jackman at one points cuts off Dracula who is EXPLAINING VAN HELSING'S BACKSTORY and says "Some things are better left forgotten" or something to that effect.

 

So yes, basically, no one could staple all of this sloppy shit together and decided that the thing that supposedly kept Van Helsing going no longer mattered to him.

 

And when Hugh starts changing later and getting werewolf abilities, they might as well have just called him Wolverine from that point on. Even when he turns into a full on wolf, he pops his claws out of his fingers in a Wolverine like moment. I assume that was a wink at the audience but by that point of the film, it felt like a kick to the head. The thing is 2 hours and change mind you.

 

No idea why Mr. Hyde was the Incredible Hulk either. But whatever.

[Guest abowen33]

My favorite part was when the guy was showing Wolverine all the neato gadgets like he was James Bond or something, and he was explaining how 'we are the last line of defense against all evils, and no one knows we exsist." TOTAL MIB.

 

 

Men in Black. Galaxy Defenders.

[Anakin Flair 0]

You know, I actually wanted to go see Punisher today but because they had to have Van helsing on like 5 screens they only had 2 showings of Punisher today and at oddball ass times.

 

I really wanted to see Punisher too and this, but I'm not so sure after all the hate.

I had the same problem. I wanted to see a rus hour show of Punisher, and a late show of Van Helsing. But I couldn't becaus Van took up all of the screens.

[AndrewTS 0]

"No idea why Mr. Hyde was the Incredible Hulk either. But whatever."

 

He thought he was the Hunchback of Notre Dame, too.

 

Granted, the Hulk character has its roots in the Jekyl/Hyde story, but Hyde has always been rather normal sized (I think in the original story he's actually smaller than Jekyl) and should have been able to pass for a normal person if he was covered up on the street.

 

Although that's a minor gripe.

 

The opening of the movie was so awesome...then it was letdown from there on.

[Guest JMA]

Did this movie feel like a cross between "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" and "Underworld"? It just felt like they were trying to cram too much material into one movie. The fact that they copped out on Van Helsing's backstory annoyed me very much. And why have Van Helsing become a werewolf? It seemed like an excuse to have a CGI filled final battle.

[Jingus 0]

Granted, the Hulk character has its roots in the Jekyl/Hyde story, but Hyde has always been rather normal sized (I think in the original story he's actually smaller than Jekyl) and should have been able to pass for a normal person if he was covered up on the street.

In the original book, Hyde was a completely normal human guy. He was just ugly, and a selfish murderous piece of shit. It wasn't until later movie bastardizations that he turned into Mr. Hulk.

[Downhome 0]

I see that most hated it, and with good reason. Like I said before, I expected a film like The Mummy, and it's what we got. The monsters in Van Helsing are not the Universial classics, just new takes on them.

 

This film, the concept, could have been unreal and very very good. Instead, we got what we all expected.

 

Bah, I don't even have too much to say about it. Hole after hole, sloppy, and uninspired.

[Guest NaturalBornThriller4:20]

The Theatre I always go to is closed because they are holding the Tribeca Film Festival there.

 

I'll probably go see it next week after Troy, but it looks like I won't be missing much.

[Guest The Midnight Rocking Warrior]

The Nathan Jones comment was definate sarcasm. Even the critics who haven't liked Troy say that the acting is pretty good. I'll leave to see Van Helsing in five minutes

[Guest Luke Cage]

I kept checking the lower part of the screen for Mike(or Joel) and the 'bots.

[AndrewTS 0]

I see that most hated it, and with good reason. Like I said before, I expected a film like The Mummy, and it's what we got. The monsters in Van Helsing are not the Universial classics, just new takes on them.

 

This film, the concept, could have been unreal and very very good. Instead, we got what we all expected.

 

Bah, I don't even have too much to say about it. Hole after hole, sloppy, and uninspired.

Yeah, I loved the basic concept about it. Helsing's design, costume, look, etc were all great. The concept of a revamped monster bounty hunter version of Van Helsing is gold if you do it right. I was very disappointed that this version seemed to be lacking a lot of the intellectual edge of Abe, though. Obviously Gabe was no dummy, but pretty much an all-action guy.

 

With smarter writing, it could have had enough action to satisfy the masses while retaining an intelligent edge that could have done the classics justice to satisfy the horror fans. However, too many big stupid action movie cliches and CGI razzle dazzle

 

I think the film doesn't really lend itself well to MiSTing, though. Note that MST3K didn't do too many action movies, except for ones where the heroes are guys like Rowsdower, Mitchell, or Nick (Time Chasers).

 

When the Catholic Q is getting Helsing's gimmicks together, my friend got in a good line...

 

"Now, we're going to cut off your hand and graft one with a face on it. It could come in handy. Is that okay?"

[Ced 0]

When the Catholic Q is getting Helsing's gimmicks together, my friend got in a good line...

 

"Now, we're going to cut off your hand and graft one with a face on it.  It could come in handy.  Is that okay?"

When I first saw the promo poster for Van Helsing, I kept thinking to myself that it was going to be a live action Vampire Hunter D.

 

Man, I wish they had done a live action Vampire Hunter D instead, only so I could mark the fuck out for Lefty.

[AndrewTS 0]

The best thing to come out of this so far is the Universal box sets. I'll get at least the Frankenstein one (each of them are $19.99 up at K-Mart, cheaper than up FYE).

 

Incidentally, anyone know if the Van Helsing game is any good? I haven't played it but I saw it was out already.

[Downhome 0]

IGN gave it a 6.5, mainly because there just isn't much to it and it's very short. What is there however, they said was pretty cool.

 

As a game that's licensed from a movie, Van Helsing manages to do a capable job of providing lots of monsters to kill and enables players to live out some Transylvanian kicks by re-enacting movie moments, but there's still a lot missing. The camera needs work and after picking up the more powerful weapons the monsters become too easy, too quickly. While this is forgivable for most of the game, the boss fights become truly aggravating.

 

Playing through the game one time is a fun diversion for an afternoon, especially if you're down with the old-school monsters, but there's not enough gameplay to outlast the first time through. If anything, Van Helsing would be best experienced as a rental so that by the time you realize that there's nothing left, it's time to bring it back.

 

Just like the film though, this game could have, SHOULD have, been a classic.

[AndrewTS 0]

Thanks for the post, DH. Oh well, should be a fun rental. Still, it's not like there's a shortage of games with the same themes done far, far better. If I pretend that Van Helsing used a whip in the movie, there are plenty of good Van Helsing-ish games out on the market already.

 

Just like the film though, this game could have, SHOULD have, been a classic.

 

Alas, Konami wasn't working on it, though.

[NoCalMike 0]

I thought that at least the CGI looked good, and the vampire brides were pretty fantastic, but other then that, yeah I agree with what most people here have said. Too much material crammed in which caused WAY TOO MANY plot holes. However, sadly for today's youth who have no concept or idea about "the rules" when it comes to the monster classics, breaking all the rules probably didn't matter to them.

 

Honestly I did sort of enjoy the movie, in-between trying to understand the holes in the plot.

[AndrewTS 0]

It isn't so much "breaking the rules" in horror flicks I mind. Most of the weaknesses seen in horror movies are generally created on the part of some film maker in the past. Superman may have not lasted as long as he did as a comic character if the radio show didn't create kryptonite.

 

Plus, some liberties often need to be taken when adapting classic horror novels. For example, bringing the Frankenstein monster to life with alchemy isn't going to cut it. It's knowing what lines not to cross that's tricky.

 

However, Sommers didn't seem to approach this too delicately. He just kind of threw the book out the window and decided to just make stuff up.

 

I find it rather surprising that us modern-day, sophisticated film-goers (*chuckle*) have to have such big, dumb, loud action melodramas crapped out ad nauseum, when we could have easily added more depth and characterization to these characters (mostly the human, but perhaps even the monsters) while simply improving the visuals. Sorry, I couldn't really find myself empathizing with Kate's character just because her family is all dead but her and her brother. Conversely, it would stupid for too many monsters to be sympathic, human-like characters, but if you don't do that, make them scary.

 

I can't find any of this slickly-done CGI scary. In the hands of the right people, I find a well-done atmosphere and mood, the danger of characters I actually care about, and a lot of caro syrup a hell out of a lot scarier than a 10-foot tall fire-breathing CGI beast spewing out fire and smoke.

 

Then again, I've hacked so many of the latter apart in video games maybe I'm just too jaded.

 

Probably the underlying themes and certainly the ending of Nosferatu wouldn't really appeal to modern movie goers, for instance.

 

Of course, we're in a time where some one thought it brilliant to turn Casablanca into a post-apocalyptic action movie with boobs and explosions, so maybe I just don't "get it."

[Damaramu 0]

Well.........I thought it was alright. It didn't out and out suck or anything......