Stupid Neighbors and Lawnmowers

[Guest FrigidSoul]

I live next to a pink house. In this pink house resides a woman pushing 80 years old and her 2 sons who are in their late 40s. The two sons strike an eerie resemblence to these two well known characters.

 

 

We call them "Waldo" and "Macho" respectively. Now that you know the background lets get into the story.

 

 

Waldo is dumb as shit...really he is. While my father was building a fence he would remove branches growing from the trees near the area. Waldo decided to try and hel subtly by jumping, grabbing a branch and pulling down on it. The branch gave way and fell 6 feet and landed on his back. Normally Darwinism would take care of somebody this fucking stupid, however god hates me so Waldo got right back up. In memory of his father who use to do the same thing(he died like last year or something, the man would hack up a lung and you could hear it down the street) he fills pie tins with feed and food scraps. The local racoons and skunks enjoy these alot so you hear racoons fighting and the summer breeze smells like shit.

 

Macho is annoying on a whole different level. He mows the lawn at least twice a week. It wouldn't be so bad if he was quick about it but he literally takes 4-5hrs doing so and picks 10am to start(I'm still sleeping at that time). Not only that but he slams the lawn mower about and knocks the steel fence my father put up which is starting to show as the bottom is grooved and pushed about.

 

I need you to help me come up with a way to stop all of this. Keep in mind if they're murdered I'm suspect #1 since I've yelled at them in the past and did so in front of people, so that's out of the question. I also have no lawn gnomes so CWM you'll have to come up with something better to help me.

 

I await your suggestions.

[Jingus 0]

Damn... an axe murder or the gnomes is all I could come up with.

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

Okay few questions.

 

Do you live near a busy street?

 

Are there any parades or the like coming up?

 

What kind of materials can you get your hands on?

 

And how far are you willing to take this?

[Guest FrigidSoul]

I live off a main street but its a dead end street with most of the occupants being elderly people

 

Only parade we have in my city is the St. Patrick's Day parade and it doesn't run down the main street I live off of

 

My father is a pack-rat so my basement is full of various materials. I'm quite the MacGuyver too.

 

I'm willing to take it to the point before being arrested. Pissing them off won't bother me at all. Getting arrested will.

 

They have a shed where most of their lawn stuff is kept. It has a deadbolt but I've never seen them lock it and I don't know if they do. I was thinking of disassembling everything in the dead of night but they have money from the old man dying. Thus they would buy new stuff and just start locking the shed door.

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

bah.

 

Just replace the cans of food and feed with Rat posion. that'll take care of the Racoons but not the smell...

[Guest FrigidSoul]

That doesn't solve the lawnmower problem though.

 

Dead animals lined up in their lawn would be humrous though.

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

You gotta take it one step at a time Frigid.

[The Czech Republic 0]

Put rat poison in the PEOPLE'S food? Try that. You could say Waldo meant to kill those raccoons but changed his mind and brought that night's dinner back inside.

[Guest FrigidSoul]

I'm going to scope out the lawn shed tonight. Its too cold for them to start leaving the pie tins of feed out. If the lawn shed is unlocked I'm either going to disassemble everything or just take a massive shit on top of something that looks really expensive.

[1234-5678 0]

Set their lawn on fire.

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

bad idea. It's hard to start Lawn fires and the amount of damage really isn't satisf...

 

I've said enough.

[MrRant 0]

Sprinkle random seeds all over their lawn.

[Use Your Illusion 0]

Do nothing then make a thread detailing how you raped them all and fed them to a crocodile.

[Murmuring Beast 0]

Get a job.

[Guest Man Of 1,004 Modes]

Let them talk to me for a half hour. If that doesn't scar someone, I don't know what will.

[Guest FrigidSoul]

Do nothing then make a thread detailing how you raped them all and fed them to a crocodile.

No one would believe that. There's no crocodiles in Mass

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

that'd be the point

[Dr. Tom 0]

If the lawn shed is unlocked I'm either going to disassemble everything or just take a massive shit on top of something that looks really expensive.

You should do both. Disassemble stuff, and then shit all over the important parts so it's harder for them to reassemble anything.

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

...

 

do I get to see some dead Racoons or what?

 

I hate racoons.

[Guest I Got Banned for Sucking]

If the lawn shed is unlocked I'm either going to disassemble everything or just take a massive shit on top of something that looks really expensive.

You should do both. Disassemble stuff, and then shit all over the important parts so it's harder for them to reassemble anything.

Dr. Tom - setting an example for the youth of TSM to follow since 2002.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

The problem in this equation is not the lawn mower, it's the lawn itself. Destroy it with driveway salt.

[Guest FrigidSoul]

...

 

do I get to see some dead Racoons or what?

 

I hate racoons.

If somebody is willing to mail me a digital camera and the software for it to use for awhile I'll document all of this with photos. I've got a large enough set of nuts to upload incriminating photos of dead racoons and mounds of shit atop lawn maintenance items.

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

fuck that. I was too cheap to record the gnomings (that and not wanting evidence sitting around) so I won't give you stuff.

 

Just start killing stuff already.

[1234-5678 0]

bad idea. It's hard to start Lawn fires and the amount of damage really isn't satisf...

 

I've said enough.

Then set their car on fire or fuck their daughter/sister. Or both. At the same time. With two video cameras running to capture both on film.

[MarvinisaLunatic 0]

Take apart the lawnmower and sprinkle all the screws/bolts/small parts all over the lawn...

[Guest FrigidSoul]

Then set their car on fire or fuck their daughter/sister. Or both. At the same time. With two video cameras running to capture both on film.

The only woman involved in this entire scenerio is 80 years old. This suggestion will not be taken.

[Guest FrigidSoul]

Its 12:23am in my neighborhood of despair and somebody just drove by blasting Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer" with their car stereo. This is going to motivate me to go out tonight and skulk around the neighbor's lawn.

[Rob E Dangerously 0]

sprinkle rocks in their yard. That should make it more fun to mow.

 

as for Waldo, pie tins full of feces. That'll make the animals happy!

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

not rocks. gravel

[Internet Warfare 0]

If the lawn shed is unlocked I'm either going to disassemble everything or just take a massive shit on top of something that looks really expensive.

You should do both. Disassemble stuff, and then shit all over the important parts so it's harder for them to reassemble anything.

Take the shit RIGHT after you take the shower. It should be a winner.