JoeDirt Posted September 27, 2004 Report Posted September 27, 2004 I'm sure it's been done before, but fuck it. Post your favorite lines here. "Next we go to Ollie with the Black-U-Weather forcast. Ollie?" "It gonna rain." "Thanks Ollie."
The Mandarin Posted September 27, 2004 Report Posted September 27, 2004 "--and invest it all in *bang* WAFFLES, tasty WAFFLES, with lots of syrup." "Waffles! Buy waffles!" "Waffles!" "Waffles!" "Waffles!" "Waffles!" "Waffu! Waffu!"
The Amazing Rando Posted September 27, 2004 Report Posted September 27, 2004 "Optimus Prime is Jewish?!"
Hank Kingsley Posted September 27, 2004 Report Posted September 27, 2004 "They gave everyone raises. Even Kenneth, the badass mail clerk with a heart of gold." ~ "Hey Kenneth, did I get any mail today?" "No! And if you come any closer I'll slice ya!" "Okay, okay! Sheesh, what a badass!" "Yeah, well that badass just gave half his paycheck to orphans. Orphans with diseases" *cue sympathetic music*
Mik Posted September 27, 2004 Report Posted September 27, 2004 Meg:OH NO! Chris:OH NO! Stewie:OH NO! Lois: OH NO! (Kool Aid Man bursts through the courthouse wall) Kool Aid Man: OH YEAH!!!
therealworldschampion Posted September 27, 2004 Report Posted September 27, 2004 Quagmire: "What seems to be the problem guys?? I was just jerking.....out of a deep sleep"
Downhome Posted September 27, 2004 Report Posted September 27, 2004 This has made me laugh about as hard as I ever have before. Peter: Hey, I think I read about this sort of thing in a book once. Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't...nothing? Peter: Oh yeah, heh.
Hank Kingsley Posted September 27, 2004 Report Posted September 27, 2004 "Because of an accident today at the Quahog cable company, all television transmission will be out for an undetermined amount of time. Of course, no one can see this news program, so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the lord Jesus Christ. I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you, Diane?" "Well, Tom, I just plain don't like black people."
JoeDirt Posted September 27, 2004 Author Report Posted September 27, 2004 Peter: Well it wouldn't be the first time I had a vision. [Flashback. Peter and Brian are at the breakfast table.] Peter: Oh my God, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits! OOOOOOOOOOOOOO... Brian: Peter those are Cheerios.
The Amazing Rando Posted September 27, 2004 Report Posted September 27, 2004 (paraphrased) "It has a special cloaking device that makes it look like two hobos fighting over a cheese sandwich"
GreatWhiteNope Posted September 27, 2004 Report Posted September 27, 2004 Girl: I'm a transvestite. Quagmire: OH MY GOD! ...... Quagmire: Pre-op or post-op? Girl: Pre-op. Quagmire: OH MY GOD!
JoeDirt Posted September 27, 2004 Author Report Posted September 27, 2004 Peter: Come on, Lois...a boat is a boat...but the box could be anything! It could even be a boat! You know how much we want one of those. We'll take the box!
Guest Joshua A. Norton Posted September 27, 2004 Report Posted September 27, 2004 Brian: Well Peter, my psychiatrist thinks I'm in love. Peter: OH MY GOD! You can talk?
the max Posted September 27, 2004 Report Posted September 27, 2004 Peter: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "OOOOOO". Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios. Lois: What's going on? Stewie Griffin: We're playing house. Lois: The boy is all tied up. Stewie: Roman Polanski's house. Peter: Lois, our son has been blessed with a great gift. And I am going to everything I can to nurture that talent and help him succeed, then I'm going to use him to live out all my frustrated hopes and dreams. Because that's good parenting, right Bing Crosby? Bing Crosby: That's right Peter, and if your kids give you any lip you can beat them with a sack of sweet Velency Oranges. They won't leave a bruise and it'll let 'em know who's boss, there's nooo doubt about it. Peter: That... That doesn't sound like good parenting. Bing Crosby: Are you givin' me lip boy? Because I'll take this belt off and put the smack down on you, is that what you want? [takes his belt off and starts beating Peter]
JoeDirt Posted September 27, 2004 Author Report Posted September 27, 2004 Cigarette company president: But that'll bankrupt us! Peter: Like the way you've morally bankrupted America? [Everyone laughs. Peter turns to the "writers" the tobacco company gave him.] Peter: Thanks for the zinger, guys. Now give me a good line to go out on. Writer: Sorry, it's our lunch break. [They walk off. Peter turns to the Congress.] ... Peter: Well, that's my Momma!
JoeDirt Posted September 27, 2004 Author Report Posted September 27, 2004 The nudist boy walks by in the mall. Perverted man: It must be my birthday!
The Metal Maniac Posted September 27, 2004 Report Posted September 27, 2004 "Gimmie back my sock, ya goat bastard!"
JoeDirt Posted September 27, 2004 Author Report Posted September 27, 2004 "They gave everyone raises. Even Kenneth, the badass mail clerk with a heart of gold." ~ "Hey Kenneth, did I get any mail today?" "No! And if you come any closer I'll slice ya!" "Okay, okay! Sheesh, what a badass!" "Yeah, well that badass just gave half his paycheck to orphans. Orphans with diseases" *cue sympathetic music* This is pretty classic right here.
Guest MikeSC Posted September 27, 2004 Report Posted September 27, 2004 Peter: Look at this, Lois, see right here (points in book), I was voted most likely to succeed! Lois: Peter, that's not you. That's not even a yearbook, it's a People magazine. Peter: Oh, I wondered why they had the wrong picture and name. Brian: Hola, me Ilamo es brian ... Nosotros caramos ir condustedes.. uhhhh ... Bellboy(spanish): Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said "me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es," just me llamo Brian. Brian: Oh, oh you speak english Bellboy (sigh): No, just that first speech and this one explaining it. Brian: You .... you're kidding me, right? Bellboy(spanish): Que? Lois: You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me. Peter: Uh, what could me and you do together? (Lois giggles) Peter:Lois. You've got a sick mind. Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love. Peter: Oh. I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money. Meg: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me. Death : Well that would just leave England. Peter: Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. -=Mike
Guest Joshua A. Norton Posted September 27, 2004 Report Posted September 27, 2004 Hitler: If you're going to be in ze Los Angeles area und would like tickets to Hitler call 213-DU WERDEST EINE KRANKENSCHWESTER BRAUCHEN!
JoeDirt Posted September 27, 2004 Author Report Posted September 27, 2004 Nigel: I guess I'm the limey bastard who took away your bar...my, isn't this an awkward situation. Peter: You want an awkward situation? One time during sex I called Lois "Frank". Your move, Sherlock.
Vyce Posted September 27, 2004 Report Posted September 27, 2004 The nudist boy walks by in the mall. Perverted man: It must be my birthday! That perverted old man character was a scream. Too bad they didn't have him in more than two episodes. Speaking of that other episode: Chris (at police station, viewing lineup): Are you sure he can't see me? Officer: He sure can't. This is one-way glass. Chris: Okay. It's number four. *Peter walks into the lineup room* Peter: Uh yeah, I'm looking for my son, Chris Griffin. He's here to identify that guy who robbed the convenience store. Chris Griffin. I got a school photo of him. *hands photo to robber* Yeah, actually, you can keep that. Chris screwed it up by writing down his class schedule and a list of his fears on the back. Chris (writing in diary): I can't believe I kissed Sam! But the worst thing about it was....it felt kind of right. Brian: You kissed Sam?! Chris: Wha-how did you know? Brian: You were talking out loud. I heard you in the next room.
Exslade ZX Posted September 27, 2004 Report Posted September 27, 2004 This isn't exactly a quote, but the episode I think when they were put in the witness protection agency, EVERYTHING 'the old guy' (their neighbor or something) said, when he was asking where Chris was. And he left the like 200 messages on their answer machine. the voice was just awesome.
Red Baron Posted September 27, 2004 Report Posted September 27, 2004 Peter: Gregg Allman, what do you do when your down back in your day? Gregg: I don't know, I did a lot of drugs and married a broad named Cher, I wouldn't recommend either one of them. ~ Peter: I know, beer will go right through you. Stewie (sarcastic): Great, why don't we light up a doobie and watch some porn. Peter (shifty eyes): You...you mean it? ~ Child Services Woman: Glenn honey, I got a question. What do you do for a living? Quagmire: I gotta a question for you, why are you still here?
Vyce Posted September 27, 2004 Report Posted September 27, 2004 This isn't exactly a quote, but the episode I think when they were put in the witness protection agency, EVERYTHING 'the old guy' (their neighbor or something) said, when he was asking where Chris was. And he left the like 200 messages on their answer machine. the voice was just awesome. The line "Get your fat ass back here" still gets me every time.
JoeDirt Posted September 27, 2004 Author Report Posted September 27, 2004 This isn't exactly a quote, but the episode I think when they were put in the witness protection agency, EVERYTHING 'the old guy' (their neighbor or something) said, when he was asking where Chris was. And he left the like 200 messages on their answer machine. the voice was just awesome. "Okay, now you're starting to piss me off..." "Do you like popsicles? I've got LOADS of popsicles down in my cellar." "I've got a tip for you in my pocket. I can't get it because of my arthritis. Why don't you reach in there and fish it out."
JoeDirt Posted September 27, 2004 Author Report Posted September 27, 2004 Dick Armey? Ha! What's your wife's name, Vagina Coast Guard?
Use Your Illusion Posted September 27, 2004 Report Posted September 27, 2004 We need more Stewie one-liners
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