KK Rage 0 Report post Posted October 16, 2004 The best part of being a bartender is you get to hear all the crazy drunk shit from all sorts of people. List some of your best. I'll get the ball rolling for you guys. (Last Night) Drunk #1- "Excuse me sir, could you write my name and "Comfortably Numb on this karaoke sheet for me? I can't read or write, it's my only two weaknesses in life." (A few weeks ago) Random Drunk (fresh out of the bathroom with bloody hands)- "Excuse me ASSHOLE, I don't appreciate you guys putting fucking video cameras in the bathroom, so I ripped that shit off the wall!" (Man leaves) I then walk into the bathroom to find the smoke detector lying on the floor. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Mandarin 0 Report post Posted October 16, 2004 Random Drunk: "See that guy listening to our conversation and labeling me a random drunk? I'm going to go hit him with a shovel." Then I forget the rest. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KK Rage 0 Report post Posted October 16, 2004 LOL. It's not my fault, when you are behind the bar you hear everything that goes on, whether you want to listen or not. Plus you have to stay on the lookout for people running at you with shovels. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
B. Brian Brunzell 0 Report post Posted October 17, 2004 Random Drunk (fresh out of the bathroom with bloody hands)- "Excuse me ASSHOLE, I don't appreciate you guys putting fucking video cameras in the bathroom, so I ripped that shit off the wall!" (Man leaves) I then walk into the bathroom to find the smoke detector lying on the floor. That's a fucking classic. It'll be a tough one for someone to top. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JHawk 0 Report post Posted October 17, 2004 A pickup line gone wrong: "Hey baby. You. Me. Bed. Now." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Czech Republic 0 Report post Posted October 17, 2004 I want to be a drug dealer like this too. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Red Baron 0 Report post Posted October 17, 2004 On my 19th b-day. Cougar: I have no energy to fuck tonight. Me: That's ashame. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Der Kommissar 0 Report post Posted October 17, 2004 It wasn't at a bar, but I overheard a funny conversation on a bus once. Basically, this idiot wearing a visor sideways walks into the bus, and he spots this girl. Apparently, they knew each other from high school or something. Anyway, the girl was talking about how she's been enjoying university for the 3 months she's been there, but she's home now, paying her father a surprise visit, and her roommate is knocked up, and, oh yeah, so is she. Apparently though, she has yet to tell her father and wants to do so in person. Well, she asked Visor guy if he wants to go home with her to provide some morale support when she tells her father that she's pregnant. His reply: "Well...I don't know. He might chase down the street again...I'm afraid he might catch me this time!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Agent of Oblivion Report post Posted October 17, 2004 "Now I know what you're going to say: 'Benji, there's no way you're getting your asshole pierced.'" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
{''({o..o})''} 0 Report post Posted October 17, 2004 This topic came up earlier today, "You know, you look pretty when you're puking." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Amazing Rando 0 Report post Posted October 17, 2004 "I'M DRUNK, I'M HIGH, GIMME SOME PUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSY!" (in the loudest possible voice you can imagine) My best friend, the night before beginning military training. He ended up trying to walk on his hands, promptly fell on his face, and fucked up his neck so bad he had to wait a few weeks until he was cleared to actually begin the training. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Agent of Oblivion Report post Posted October 17, 2004 My bandmate Beaster's 21st birthday: Just prior to leaving our second of three titty bars for the evening, we fed the chap a Rusty Water, which is Bacardi 151 with some tobasco sauce. Vicious way to break someone in after they're already drunk. He didn't even know what we gave him, and promptly slammed an entire beer, and half a rum and coke in about ten seconds after consuming it, to try to cover the taste. I was amazed he didn't vomit entirely. He started giving hilarious commands to the strippers, like "Okay...I want to see more of...this this and this"..while drunkenly pointing at her various assets. The girl was cracking up and fleecing him dry. We rescued him from that brunette wearing a Superman logo thong, and dragged him to a lower-class establishment, as he was obnoxiously plastered. The entire way there, across Ft. Wayne on a busy night, he is just SCREAMING these obscene rants at the top of his lungs inside the truck until his face was red and his nose ran. Shit like, "and PRESSLER (a guy with us), PRESSLER is gonna FUUUUUUCKKKK SHIIIITTTT UPPPP!! DIRTY WET PUSSY AT THE SHANGRI-LA!! ROOOOAAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!" It was so loud. I suggested to the Jaybird that he might be too trashed to be in public, considering he was climbing all around the truck and yelling crude sentence fragments about genitals and killing people and doing drugs and drinking to excesses previously not understood. We concurred that he was just right for the particular place we were going though. Beaster doesn't remember any of this of course, but he spilled a few pitchers worth of beer there, crawled around under the table for about ten minutes looking for some phantom object, almost wandered into the dressing room, and had to be helped to the bathroom twice. We eventually got him sat down next to some horseface blonde with gigantic tits, who he proceeded to recite poetic lines like "I'd fuck the shit out of you. I'd...I'd. So fuck the shit out of you." in the most sincere voice. You know, like when a drunk wants to get prophetic? He fought us all the way to the truck when we finally dragged him out, and fell in a ditch on the way home and puked all over himself when we stopped to piss. The last words he said for the evening as he rolled helplessly on his back like a turtle, inverted on a wet grassy roadside: "Help me up, guys, there's a stick." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest The Winter Of My Discontent Report post Posted October 17, 2004 my buddies birthday: lighting menus on fire asking chicks (with their boyfriends on their arm) for a blow job picking fights with wietresses drunkenly and loudly asking his buddy if he's gonna find him a chick to nail...in front of the prospective gals who were giving him the time of day Thats all I can remember for now, but I'm surprised he didn't get murdered that night Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ace309 0 Report post Posted October 17, 2004 "So, do you have a gag reflex?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
NoCalMike 0 Report post Posted October 18, 2004 We concurred that he was just right for the particular place we were going though. Beaster doesn't remember any of this of course, but he spilled a few pitchers worth of beer there, crawled around under the table for about ten minutes looking for some phantom object, almost wandered into the dressing room, and had to be helped to the bathroom twice. We eventually got him sat down next to some horseface blonde with gigantic tits, who he proceeded to recite poetic lines like "I'd fuck the shit out of you. I'd...I'd. So fuck the shit out of you." in the most sincere voice. You know, like when a drunk wants to get prophetic? He fought us all the way to the truck when we finally dragged him out, and fell in a ditch on the way home and puked all over himself when we stopped to piss. The last words he said for the evening as he rolled helplessly on his back like a turtle, inverted on a wet grassy roadside: "Help me up, guys, there's a stick." From this point on, I didn't stop laughing once. My friend passed out on a curb once after drinking too many flaming dr. peppers. Cops picked him up and drove him up, puke-soaked clothes and all(he also happened to be underage, but the cops didn't give him any grief). Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
NoCalMike 0 Report post Posted October 18, 2004 Well today at the sportsbar, the guy I was with had a couple of divorced milfs hanging all over him, and somewhere in the drunken stooper he convinced the asian one to go back to his place and have sex. I wonder if it was when he belted out, "CAN WE JUST GO HAVE SOME HALFTIME SEX" So I was left there with the other Milf, and she admittingly said she would have gone home with him too, had it not been for her friend wanting him first, and if since she only had 1 tall beer she wasn't quite intoxicated enough. Lucky Bastard. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
2GOLD 0 Report post Posted October 18, 2004 Screw a bar, the best conversation I heard was covering a High School baseball game between two teenaged girls. Girl 1: "I don't understand why he was so upset." Girl 2: "I think he's just being a jerk." Girl 1: "Tell me about it. I mean...I just gave his best friend a blow job. What's the big deal?" Thank goodness for my hearing. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
NoCalMike 0 Report post Posted October 18, 2004 Screw a bar, the best conversation I heard was covering a High School baseball game between two teenaged girls. Girl 1: "I don't understand why he was so upset." Girl 2: "I think he's just being a jerk." Girl 1: "Tell me about it. I mean...I just gave his best friend a blow job. What's the big deal?" Thank goodness for my hearing. sounds like the girls from "Middleschool confessions" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
2GOLD 0 Report post Posted October 18, 2004 Screw a bar, the best conversation I heard was covering a High School baseball game between two teenaged girls. Girl 1: "I don't understand why he was so upset." Girl 2: "I think he's just being a jerk." Girl 1: "Tell me about it. I mean...I just gave his best friend a blow job. What's the big deal?" Thank goodness for my hearing. sounds like the girls from "Middleschool confessions" Might as well have been. One of the oddest things I had ever heard. I still don't think I've processed it. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Red Baron 0 Report post Posted October 18, 2004 My buddy Jives, trying some pick up lines, here's two I can remember. "I've lost my penis in a bizzare lawnmowing accident, but I can make love to you in many ways imaginable." and "So, I see you had a sex change too," Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
MrRant 0 Report post Posted October 18, 2004 Screw a bar, the best conversation I heard was covering a High School baseball game between two teenaged girls. Girl 1: "I don't understand why he was so upset." Girl 2: "I think he's just being a jerk." Girl 1: "Tell me about it. I mean...I just gave his best friend a blow job. What's the big deal?" Thank goodness for my hearing. sounds like the girls from "Middleschool confessions" Might as well have been. One of the oddest things I had ever heard. I still don't think I've processed it. The day that you do, you'll have an nervous breakdown. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
