A story I'm writing....

[Guest CronoT]

I've had the idea for this story bouncing around in my head for a while now, and I finally decided to start writing it. So, here's the prologue. I'm not going to give away much, but I'll try to post parts of it as I write it. The title of the story is Three Votes.

 

Prologue

 

 

It is the early 23rd Century, the year 2231 A.D. The Earth is now under a single world government, known as the Global Congress. In the year 2154 A.D., the President of the United States of America, Alexander Chavez, proposed the forming of a single world nation. President Chavez, tired of the corruption and illegal activities of the United States Bureaucratic system, approached the United Nations, with a sweeping plan for change and unity for the world.

It began with the gradual dissolution and replacement of the U.N., and the forming of the Global Congress. By 2157 A.D., the Global Congress Proposal was approved, and the Global Congress government replaced the U.N., and all national governments became member states. All member states were allowed the elect their Global Congressional Representatives as they saw fit, but the President of the Congress is an elected member of the Global Congress, selected by the Congressional Representatives.

In just thirty short years, the Global Congress succeeded in ending all wars, and was also able to almost completely end global hunger, through the use of underwater farming, and aquaculture farms. With the end of conflict, the world entered a golden age of scientific and medical knowledge. AIDS, cancer, multiple sclerosis, Alzheimer’s disease; all were cured. On the scientific front, the entire Earth solar system was explored, and the Moon, Mars, and Europa were colonized. Finally, one of the greatest dreams in scientific history was created; time travel.

But, even in this new Age of Enlightenment, there are still some that crave power, through any means necessary....

[Dr. Tom 0]

While prologues like that seem like a good idea, they're really not. You should begin the story like Plato said: in medias res, aka in the middle of things. Backstory like that can always be worked in thru dialog and other exposition. But a dry prologue that just recounts a few events and sets a stage is just you spinning your wheels. Get out of the mud and dive into the middle of the piece.

[Guest CronoT]

Oh, I'll do that. I've just always felt that laying a proper foundation is important. It helps get people into the right mind set.

[Dr. Tom 0]

There's a simple principle in writing called the "ham sandwich rule." Always presume your reader is about to get up and get a ham sandwich. Your job is to make your writing engrossing enough to keep him in the chair until the end of your story or article.

 

That was a tasty ham sandwich.

[Guest CronoT]

Okay, here's the next section. I may need to post it in two parts.

 

Chapter One

 

 

 

As Bobby was heading toward his office, he bumped into Charles, spilling his coffee. Bobby wondered if his entire day was going to be like this. He had woken up late, and had barely been able to get into work on time. Of course, time was a relative term, given his profession. Bobby was one of the Chrono Analysts, or Time Watchers, as most of the other staff called them. Every time there was a ripple in the Time Stream Regulator, they would jump onto the WorldNet, checking for discrepancies in history.

As the Head Chrono Analyst of the Time Enforcement Agency, he and his team were responsible for making sure there were no major changes to the timeline. Usually, it was just some idiot who went back in time to “experience the history,” as it was called. The most recent one was some surfing ace, who had gone back to December 26th, 2004, so he could surf the waves created by the famous Indian Ocean Tsunami. When the TEA Agents had pulled him out of the water, he’d been wearing a big grin on his face. He hadn’t been grinning when the judge threw the book at him; giving him seven years on the prison island of New Zealand.

The last serious case had occurred when some hot shot stock broker had tried to go back in time, and purchase some stocks in some computer software company, and then give them to himself in the future. The judge had ordered a neuro chip implanted into his brain. If that guy ever tried to go back in time again, the neuro chip would detect it, and detonate, killing him immediately. It was considered by some to be a particularly harsh sentence, since the neuro chip could never be removed. But Bobby knew how serious a temporal disturbance could really be.

The TEA building and surrounding grounds were protected by a temporal flux field, or so he’d been told. That was why they were able to know when history had been altered. I mean, what’s the point of having a Time Enforcement Agency, if you can’t tell if history has been altered, Bobby thought to himself. He was fairly content with his job, since it came with a rather hefty paycheck, and no small amount of respect, either. When history was altered, he was the man the Director turned to.

“Just another lazy day of paper filling and pencil pushing,” Bobby said, to no one in particular.

Bobby’s staff was used to his way of thinking. Every once in a while, he’d just say something completely random, and then go back to what he was doing. But, there was no questioning his brilliance. So, they put up with him, quirks and all. Bobby was almost always the first one to catch the subtle clues that lead the TEA Agents to the cause of the temporal disturbances. More than once, when all the other Chrono Analysts were scratching their collective heads, Bobby was already diving into his database, searching for what caused the temporal disturbance. Nine times out of ten, he’d find it in the first 10 minutes.

Bobby looked at his watch. His shift had only been going on for 45 minutes. Three hours ‘til lunch, Bobby thought, and another four or five hours until I go hit my bunk. Like all the TEA agents and researchers, Bobby lived on the compound. It was needed, or so the Director had said, incase any of the temporal disturbances were to suddenly wipe out the history of any of the people in the Agency. Then, whenever any of the Agents or staff had left the compound, they had to wear a portable temporal flux generator. It was small enough to be worn around the arm, but it always made his skin itch, which is why rarely ever left the compound. If he didn’t leave the compound, he wouldn’t have to wear one. Of course, having no living family other than distant relatives he’d never met made that part a little easier. His last girlfriend had left him, saying they never had anything to talk about. Other than that, Bobby thought his life was pretty good.

Just then, one of Bobby’s staff came running into his office, face flushed deep red. It was Pete, one of his calmest and most dedicated Chrono Analysts. Just that fact alone made Bobby nervous.

“Bobby! I was just outside taking a smoke break, when there was a temporal disturbance flash, and my portable flux generator started going nuts!” Pete was obviously scared, since he never showed this much emotion at the office. “After the flash, everything seemed to be okay, but then, I noticed that everyone was speaking German!”

Bobby was about to try to calm Pete down, when his desk speaker turned on.

“Bobby, get up here right away!” It was the Director. “We’ve just had a massive temporal disturbance.”

 

Five minutes later, Bobby and his three best Chrono Analysts walked into the Director’s office. The Director was walking around his office, popping his knuckles; a nervous habit. Whatever had happened, it was bad.

“We’re here, Chief,” Bobby said. “What’s going on?”

We’ve just recorded an 8.7 on the TDS,” the Director said.

“An 8.7!? Are you sure,” Bobby asked. Even that stock broker moron had only caused a 5.3 on the Temporal Disturbance Scale. Maybe it was a false reading; maybe. Bobby thought to himself

“We’re sure,” the Director said. “We’ve run the scan 4 times. Whatever’s happened, it’s significantly altered the course of history. I need you and your team to find out what happened, NOW!”

“We’re on it, Chief!” Bobby said, already on his way out the door.

 

Fifteen minutes later, Bobby was at his desk, pouring through the archive and the WorldNet, trying to find out what had happened to change history so much. He heard a knock on his open door, but before he could even look up to see who it was, Michael was already at the side of his desk. Michael was one of his best Chrono Analysts. He was also generally a good follower of office decorum; so when he came right up to Bobby’s desk, he knew it was important.

“Bobby, I think I’ve found it, or at least part of it. Here, take a look.”

Michael handed Bobby his Portable Data Screen, or PDS for short. Bobby took one look at it, then read it again, to be sure he wasn’t hallucinating.

“Oh, my God,” Bobby said, softly.

 

Bobby ran into the Director’s office as fast as he could, Michael right on his heels. The Director looked up from his desk, and some of the weariness left his face; but only a little.

“Chief, I think we found it,” Bobby said, passing the PDS to the Director.

Does this say what I think it says?” The Director asked, his shocked face becoming even more pale.

“Yes, it does,” Bobby answered simply.

“So, we lost World War II,” The Director said.

“No, Chief, it’s worse than that,” Bobby said, the shock on the Director’s face surely reflecting his own. “We won World War II. But, we were on the wrong side.”

[Edwin MacPhisto 0]

This is almost as good as Timecop.

[The Czech Republic 0]

I hope it turns out to be erotica.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

This is almost as good as Timecop.

I Come In Peace?

[Edwin MacPhisto 0]

My post and then Czech's in quick succession make the thread seem really mean, so I'll just say that if you're just writing this for the hell of it, whatever, but if you actually have some aspirations of doing something with this or using this to improve as a writer, you have a lot of work to do to get past Sci-Fi Channel cheese.

[Kaertos 0]

Great idea and the setting seems to be well thought out, but there are a couple of issues that I could offer some constructive criticism on...

 

1) I noticed that there are some difficult area in the story as far as Grammar goes. Nothing earth-shatteringly bad, just stuff that would leap right out at an editor and make him say "Amateur" and toss the manuscript in the trash. Get someone you know is good with grammar to give this the once-over and you are on the right track.

 

2) The first paragraph is totally unneeded. You are thinking, "But that has all of the important info in it." I contend that the opening of this story would be far more interesting and dramatic if you pick it up (with some very minor modifications) right at "“Bobby, get up here right away!” It was the Director. “We’ve just had a massive temporal disturbance.” All of that information about time-flux fields and why they do what they do is all info that can be presented later, after the reader is hooked and wanting to know more about the world. I'd say this goes for the prologue as well. That sounds more like something that would be on the inside flap of the dust jacket than page 1 of the story.

 

3)Punch up the dialogue a little. It is close, better than most that I read, but it is still lacking that "spark" that brings the characters to life.

 

Good start though, I'd be interested to see more of this. I hope some of my suggestions are helpful.

[Guest Deadbolt]

Hmm...... interesting. The first thing i would do is get rid of the surfer. The recent Tsunami is far too topical and is nowhere near the largest in history. If you had to keep it, make it due to the eruption of either Krakatoa in the 17th Century, or of Thera in the 5th Century BCE. Besides, no surfer is ever gonna manage a wave that big without dying.

 

Now as for the rest of it. The "Time Watcher" is another over-used Sci-Fi character, as is an alternate ending for World War 2. But i will give you props for the idea of America being on a different side in that war. But we're talking about the 23rd Century here - so i doubt everybody would be speaking German at that point, even if people would ahve been forced to speak german instead of their own languages. Did the Allies force Germans to speak English, French or Russian? No, so i doubt it would have happened the other way (despite many Americans today claiming that if it weren't for them, all Europe would be speaking German).

 

Your main character also seems a little cliched. The "Odd-But-Brilliant" hero is as overused as the Soldier or the Police Officer as a hero. Personality quirks are all well and good - but i'd advise you to find somoene who is as good at their job as Bobby is at his, and observe their behavior in the workplace.

 

Additionally, the names "Bobby" and "Charles" may not be the best for something that is supposed to be set over 200 years in the future. Look at the difference between names today and in the 17th/18th Centuries, and then of 200 years before that, watch the changes and then see if you can find a name of today which is fairly rare, but may be much more common in the future. Either that, or follow another comon Sci-Fi custom of naming your hero after a pioneer of their field - so in this case something like Hawking.

 

And finally, i wonder if coffee will be as common in the future as it is today. For all we know, it may be superceeded by some newer, healthier or more potent drink. Of course, somethings which are more niche today may enjoy mianstream popularity in the future - such as Chi (at least in the Western World).

 

This is what i mean when you need to create a completely new world for your characters when you set it this far in the future. You need to put a lot more thought into things that we may take for granted today.

[Guest SP-1]

Be real careful putting your stuff on the internet if you want to carry it further.

[Guest Vitamin X]

Alexander Chavez? So the leader of a unified world government is hispanic?

 

THAT'S TOTALLY UNREALISTIC.

[Ted the Poster 0]

Not in a hundred years when he'll be in the majority.

 

Damn Mexicans having a thousand babies...[/kkk]

[godthedog 0]

I hope it turns out to be erotica.

I Come In Peace?

see, i went back in time and changed the course of agent's posting history to make it funnier.

 

crono, the only advice i really have to give is that you need to finish it before you ask for advice. otherwise it'll probably never get finished. just worry about getting it all down first, and worry about making it good later. there's very little good that can come of asking a dozen different people for editorial help when so little of it is even there, the problems will multiply and the process will become a lot harder than it has to be. finishing a large project is hard, and revising it to make it not suck is even harder. there's no reason to take on both at once.

[Guest CronoT]

But i will give you props for the idea of America being on a different side in that war. But we're talking about the 23rd Century here - so i doubt everybody would be speaking German at that point, even if people would ahve been forced to speak german instead of their own languages.

The reason why everyone speaks German is pivotal to the story, so I can't reveal it here. Just go with it, and all will make sense, in a Twilight Zone kind of way.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Plus we're assholes.

[Guest alexnchavez]

Hmm I am very interested in this Alexander Chavez character LOL, who knew it would be me :-)

 

- Alexander Chavez :-) (by the way this IS my real name!)

[BX 0]

Hi Leen.

[Sideburnious 0]

All gimmick accounts should come from something Crono posted.

[Guest alexnchavez]

So you still writing this story or no? I wanted to know, by the way this isnt a gimmick account, i have no idea who this crono person is. I just googled my name one day and found this LOL.

 

-Alex

[Dandy 0]

So you still writing this story or no? I wanted to know, by the way this isnt a gimmick account, i have no idea who this crono person is. I just googled my name one day and found this LOL.

 

-Alex

Oh my god, it's Crono!

[Cheech Tremendous 0]

But why are they all speaking German?! We never got to find out!

[NoCalMike 0]

I just read this thread and the story for the first time, I have some questions, but they probably aren't fair questions to be asked after only reading one chapter worth.........so is anymore written?

[Guest Beastalentier]

Mike, he's been gone for three years.

[NoCalMike 0]

Mike, he's been gone for three years.

 

Bwahaha, I didn't even look at some of the reply dates.....my bad.

[Slayer 0]

Edwin and gtd's comments made this thread

[Gary Floyd 0]

All gimmick accounts should come from something Crono posted.

Agreed. We need a poster named "Frog Ending."