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Hank Kingsley

PROMO: A Pubic Service Announcement

By Hank Kingsley, in Brandon Truitt

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Hank Kingsley    0

Hank Kingsley
Posted

"Hi, I'm Reggie VelJohnson, known to most as the guy who played Lt. Carl Winslow on the hit television series 'Family Matters'."

 

The longtime screen cop walks along a European countryside in front of a camera. He stops next to an apple tree and leans against it.

 

"Every year, more and more children of all ages are being adopted from Europe by American families. This is wonderful, and personally, I encourage it."

 

Reggie continues walking, now in front of a petting zoo. He reaches through a gate a pets a lamb as he continues.

 

"But when you do it, make sure you do it right. There is almost nothing worse than being adopted into the land of opportunity, the land of freedom, the land of prosperity, America, from a barren wasteland like Romania, and then having to be sent back due to incorrectly filed adoption papers. If it doesn't sound common, it's because it isn't. But we're not talking about Mexican tomatoes, here. We're talking about Eastern European children."

 

The screen cuts to Reggie walking down a Romanian back alley, his arm around the shoulder of a very familiar person: five-foot-eleven, medium build, with a full suit.

 

And a black, nondescript mask.

 

"This is the Sexual Maskosaurus," Reggie begins, with dead seriousness, "and though he is 27 years old, he too has become a victim of this rapidly growing travesty. Mask, why don't you tell us what happened."

 

The Masked Man sadly nods, removes himself from Winslow's grasp, and sits down on an old, decrepit stoop. He coolly removes a hand-rolled cigarette from his...pants(?) and lights it, in no rush to recollect his tale. He takes a long drag from his cigarette. The smoke causes Reggie to start coughing uncontrollably.

 

"CUT!" The director yells from behind the camera, "Jesus Christ, Mask, we're trying to paint you as a sympathetic figure and you go and make Carl fucking Winslow have a coughing fit! Put out the cigarette and hurry up with the story. PBS has ten minutes to fill, and I don't feel like editing."

 

Mask nods, tosses his cigarette into an empty trash receptacle, nods an apology to Mr. VelJohnson, and sighs deeply.

 

"ACTION!" The director yells.

 

"I was born in the third-rate Craiova, Romania," Mask begins, his broken English raspier than ever, "and it was wonderful. My father ran an underage whorehouse until I was sixteen, so naturally, I was able to lose my virginity at an early age."

 

Reggie and the entire crew shift uncomfortably.

 

"My mother was one of the whores. She had me when she was fourteen, and because my father believed whores were worthless once they delivered a baby, he killed her by removing the skin from her large mammaries and smothering her with it. He then ate her."

 

There's a pause.

 

"He was a cannibal."

 

The director nods at Reggie, who looks quite sick. He speaks up. "Well, Mask, how about you, uh, tell us about the situation at hand."

 

"Child services did not like my father much. I was placed in an orphanage. At the age of seventeen and three-quarters I was adopted by an overweight woman from Orofino, Idaho. America was beautiful, and I prospered. Since America was the land of opportunity, I took advantage. I worked two jobs, as a house painter and as an abortionist. I would often kill several babies before painting a mansion or two.

 

"Soon my natural, animalistic instincts kicked in, and I was attracted by the call of wrestling. I met a man named William Hearford, who agreed to train me for a small, undisclosed fee. I soon debuted in the Smarks Wrestling Federation and tasted immediate success."

 

"CUT!" The director shouts, "For God's sake, Mask, cut to the chase already! Nobody fuckin' cares about your wrestling! This is about mishandled foreign adoptions."

 

BAM!

 

BAM!

 

BAM!

 

Without a second's hesitation, the Sexual Maskosaurus removes a .38 magnum from his jacket and fires three shots at the director's chest, killing him dead!

 

Chaos runs rampant on the set! Producers, key grips, and best boys scream wildly and run every which way, while Mask stands up and swings his pistol around.

 

"This is my fucking commercial!" he screams, before grabbing a hold of Reggie's collar and keeping him tight.

 

"NOW!" he continues, "I was made to understand that upon completion of this commercial, I would get a certificate proclaiming my American citizenship. Is that correct?"

 

"Yes!" a producer cries, "Even though your adoption papers were improperly filed and you were sent back to the orphanage from whence you came, we found a legal loophole and were going to surprise you with American citizenship!"

 

"Excellent," Mask begins, moving his attention to Lt. Carl Winslow, "My dear Reginald, would you mind reaching into my coat and getting me a cigarette?" Reggie nods, and reaches in.

 

"Lower," Mask notes, and he reaches so. "Lower!" he says again, and Reggie does so. "Right there," Mask finally decides, and sits back.

 

"Um, Mask, that's your penis."

 

"I am quite aware."

 

Winslow's face contorts into one of extreme discomfort, but, realizing what he now has to do for his life, begins massaging Mask's crotch.

 

"WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" Mask cries, recoiling in fear, "My cigarettes were placed underneath my scrotum, and you cannot even retrieve them without, how you say, copping a feel on my testicular region?"

 

Mask reaches into his pants, pulls out a cigarette, and lights it. Reggie is frozen in fear.

 

"Do not fear, Reginald," Mask assures, "I am going to send you back to America alive. Alive, but with a message." Mask corners Reggie, gun pointed at him, and blows smoke in his face before continuing.

 

"You will go to the Smarks Wrestling Federation, and you will tell the man in charge, whomever it may be, that The Sexual Maskosaurus is coming back. It will take a few weeks, but you tell him that I am a legal American citizen and will return to claim the championships that I had once held. And more! Now I am sure that there is nothing, American, Romanian, or Luxembourger, that can halt my progress."

 

---------------------------

 

Meanwhile, in Diekirch, Luxembourg...

 

Two police officers, Errol and Markus, cruise down a local road in a police cruiser.

 

"Okay, so," Markus begins, "tell me again about the hash bars."

 

"Oay, what do you want to know?"

 

"Hash is legal there, right?"

 

"Yes," Errol confirms, "it is legal, but-"

 

the conversation is cut short, however, as unintelligible gibberish (French?) comes up over the radio system. The officers seem to get the message, however, and zoom forward, down the old road, turning onto a back alley. They park in front of a run-down building and get out, carefully approaching the building. They enter!

 

And are attacked by the pulsating beats of Kylie Minogue's "Red Blooded Woman"! They draw their guns, but are relieved to see only a collection of Romanian girls, aged 15 and under, having wild, unadulterated sex!

 

"My god," Errol exclaims, "it's a Romanian underaged whorehouse!"

 

"Right under our Luxembourger noses," Markus unnecessarily adds, probably to use the phrase 'Luxembourger noses' for the first and last time in his life.

 

"Who is behind this?" Errol cries, first in English, then in French, and finally in Romanian. None of the three receive an answer. Just wild moans of pleasure.

 

"I'll go check out the main office," Errol tells his partner, you keep an eye on things and try to put a stop to it."

 

"Will do," Markus nods, removing his belt, and then casually unzipping his pants.

 

Errol, with his gun (pistol) exposed, cautiously glides between hordes of whores and enters the back office. No one is there. He begins fishing through papers on the desk, looking for a certificate of ownership, or a contract, or a boater's manual. Nothing. Then he opens the desk drawer. He finds three items.

 

A sock, an Eggstractor, and a nondescript black mask!

 

 

 

(to be continued?)

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Toxxic    0

Toxxic
Posted

Oh my God. He's coming back. CLOSE THE AIRPORTS! NOW!

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janusd    0

janusd
Posted
I somehow feel responsible for this.

*spontaneously reminds Judge that he should have done that action toy flashback promo, dammit*

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Patty O'Green    0

Patty O'Green
Posted

CHIKARA is the name of a wrestling promotion owned by Mike Quackenbush(I think.). Now leave these nice people alone.

 

I can elaborate more in the OAOAST folder, but I don't think it's all that important.

 

CHIKARA

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NYU    0

NYU
Posted
CHIKARA is the name of a wrestling promotion owned by Mike Quackenbush(I think.). Now leave these nice people alone.

 

I can elaborate more in the OAOAST folder, but I don't think it's all that important.

 

CHIKARA

We knew that already, but how does it relate to the OAOAST?

 

KC, explain yourself!

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Ace309    0

Ace309
Posted

Can I just claim credit for the "failed Romanian adoption" premise?

 

Absolutely everything else is Supes', but I suggested that.

 

And then he ran with it and made it better than I'd hoped.

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King Cucaracha    0

King Cucaracha
Posted
CHIKARA is the name of a wrestling promotion owned by Mike Quackenbush(I think.). Now leave these nice people alone.

 

I can elaborate more in the OAOAST folder, but I don't think it's all that important.

 

CHIKARA

We knew that already, but how does it relate to the OAOAST?

 

KC, explain yourself!

Some of CHIKARA's workers include The Bear (which is a guy in a bear costume), Wonderman (you know, like Wonderwoman, but...you know), Jolly Roger (a pirate) and on one show they had Ken The Box (that Japanese guy who's...well, a box).

 

It's basically a half serious/half comedy lucha fed. In America.

 

 

The OAOAST has the 70's Dude, The Love Doctors, a retired pornstar (wtf's up with that one?), Carl Winslow, Chicks Over Dicks and the GPX.

 

You do the math.

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chirs3    0

chirs3
Posted
CHIKARA is the name of a wrestling promotion owned by Mike Quackenbush(I think.). Now leave these nice people alone.

 

I can elaborate more in the OAOAST folder, but I don't think it's all that important.

 

CHIKARA

We knew that already, but how does it relate to the OAOAST?

 

KC, explain yourself!

Some of CHIKARA's workers include The Bear (which is a guy in a bear costume).

:o

 

Gimmick infringement!

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Hoff    0

Hoff
Posted

I'd ask what Hustle is, but it'll probably take ten replies to get a straight answer. Well, okay, fair enough. What's Hustle?

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