"Lady in the Water" reviews & thoughts

[Downhome 0]

Most of you may think that I like everything, but if you pay close attention there are certain things I hate. I usually don't like wasting my time on talking about things I don't like. I have to really, really hate something enough to make me care enough to even mention it. M. Night Shyamalan is one of those things. Go back and read what I had to say about the pile of shit that is The Village. Anyway, let's get this started. Here are a few of the quick quotes from RT so far (13% right now with only 8 reviews in):

 

"Shyamalan does project genuine menace and suspense into this mundane location, especially in nighttime scenes. But the magic that would transport you from reality into fantasy is missing."

 

-- Kirk Honeycutt, HOLLYWOOD REPORTER

 

 

"Shyamalan has followed The Village with another disappointment -- a ponderous, self-indulgent bedtime tale."

 

-- Brian Lowry, VARIETY

 

 

"This misbegotten project is Shyamalan's weakest thriller--senseless, verbose, convoluted. It might be remembered for featuring the director himself as a wannabe writer, and a film critic from hell who complains, there are no original stories left..."

 

-- Emanuel Levy, EMANUELLEVY.COM

 

 

"Shyamalan is mystically assuming that any idea or image that pops into his skull will make a shapely tale, no matter how much cock-and-bull logic he has to invent to Gorilla Glue it together."

 

-- Michael Atkinson, VILLAGE VOICE

 

 

"Like Splash reworked by a grandiose Sunday-school teacher."

 

-- David Edelstein, NEW YORK MAGAZINE

 

 

"The premise -- a mystical water nymph living under the swimming pool of a drab apartment complex -- is intriguing, yet the mythology Shyamalan builds around his main characters is forced, pretentious and outright silly at times."

 

-- David Germain, ASSOCIATED PRESS

 

 

And my personal favorite so far:

 

"Has M. Night Shyamalan lost his damn mind?"

 

-- Sean Burns, PHILADELPHIA WEEKLY

 

 

Here is the entire review for that one. I'm putting it in spoiler tags since it does reveal a few things:

 

Living Night-mare

 

Shyamalan's latest is an absurd, overwrought exercise in narcissism.

 

by Sean Burns

 

 

Lady in the Water

D

Director: M. Night Shyamalan

Starring: Paul Giamatti, Bryce Dallas Howard, M. Night Shyamalan

Opens Fri., July 21

 

Has M. Night Shyamalan lost his goddamn mind?

 

That's the only logical excuse for Lady in the Water, the Philly-based writer/director/egomaniac's convulsive seizure of narcissism that's so nakedly personal—and also so unintentionally, hilariously revealing—watching the movie feels a bit like walking in on your roommate while he's masturbating … to a picture of himself.

 

Billed as “a bedtime story by M. Night Shyamalan,” the film takes place entirely inside a run-down apartment complex, where Paul Giamatti's Cleveland Heep (the names in this movie are really something else) is the depressed, stuttering superintendent. There's a Rainbow Coalition cast of self-consciously “wacky” characters dwelling in their separate units just above the poverty line. And then one day a mermaid shows up in the swimming pool.

 

Well, not a mermaid per se. She's a “narf”—some sort of sea nymph who can see into the future, and is visiting here from “the blue world” to help “man get back on the right path.” Played by Bryce Dallas Howard in a joyless Osment-ian whisper, our narf is really more of a wet blanket, quivering in Giamatti's shower most of the time and gravely intoning ominous prophecies. Oh wait, did I forget to mention her name is “Story”?

 

Story has been sent to this particular pool so she may serve 
as a muse to a brilliant young writer—a young man so exceptional, with ideas so powerful, an entire generation is going to take his words to heart—and thanks to the fine work of this astounding young genius, our ravaged, war-torn earth will be returned to paradise.

 

The brilliant young writer is portrayed by M. Night Shyamalan.

 

Poor Story didn't cross into our world alone—there seem to be several snarling hellhounds on her trail. These creatures are called “scrunts,” which I believe is a word I once heard in a completely different context on The Howard Stern Show. It falls on Cleveland to rally all the rascally residents to perform a complex nonsense ritual that'll somehow enable a giant eagle to swoop down from the heavens and bring the ailing Story back home—all while keeping those nasty scrunts at bay.

 

What's remarkable—and dramatically deadening—is that everybody cheerfully goes along with this silliness, grinning beatifically and spouting affirmative aphorisms about accepting their destinies. Shyamalan clearly wants to make a parable about the importance of faith (territory he already mined in his far superior Signs) and the value of a community working together toward a positive goal.

 

The trouble is he's put it together so hamfistedly, with such overwrought, cringe-worthy dialogue, you'll half wonder if he's going to pull one of his patented twist endings and reveal the entire apartment complex is actually an insane asylum.

 

Also, it doesn't help that the positive goal he's assigned to this makeshift community involves protecting and nurturing the genius of M. Night Shyamalan.

 

Even more embarrassing is that the only note of skepticism from any of the residents comes from a pissy film critic played by Bob Balaban. Perhaps intended as some sort of cathartic payback for the savage reviews given to Shyamalan's The Village (and probably as an inoculation against the even harsher ones Lady in the Water is bound to receive), the scrunts rip the guy to shreds.

 

Shyamalan knows how to put a film together. Even The Village is one of the most elegantly crafted stupid movies you'll ever see. But his locked-down camera and church silences are a terrible match for this script's loosy-goosey mythological musings. If something this extraordinarily asinine were ever going to have a chance of working, it needed to be joyful and light on its feet. Lady in the Water sags under the usual M. Night hush, with leaden pauses between every whispered line.

 

Somewhere in the middle of this foolish thing, Story peers into the future (perhaps looking ahead to the derisive cackles at my screening) and informs Shyamalan that he'll one day be martyred for his writing, but it's okay because his work is still going to reach people, and the power of his ideas will change the world.

 

You know, even Shyamalan's buddy Mel Gibson had enough common sense not to cast himself as Jesus.

[Angle-plex 0]

On Howard Stern this morning, M. Night said that the critics hate him, and that they would be reviewing him and not the movie. So this is probably just a massive conspiracy by the critics to wreck his movie career.

[Bruiser Chong 0]

That or his movies suck.

[devo 0]

Didn't plan on seeing this in the first place, but it'll be a shame if the film turns out to be as bad as it sounds and drags Paul Giamatti down with it. From American Splendor and Sideways to The Lady in the Water and The Ant Bully. Yeesh.

 

The plot's apparent silliness isn't that surprising, considering how ridiculous The Village turned out to be.

[Black Lushus 0]

Unbreakable was good...the rest of his movies...nah

[Downhome 0]

The plot's apparent silliness isn't that surprising, considering how ridiculous The Village turned out to be.

 

The film of which we are not to speak! Hurry, someone get the magic rocks!

[bob_barron 0]

I remember the teaser trailer they aired before Harry Potter was awful. The BOO! ads they're airing now are just awful.

 

Poor Opie's daughter and Pig Vomit

[Ted the Poster 0]

On Howard Stern this morning, M. Night said that the critics hate him, and that they would be reviewing him and not the movie. So this is probably just a massive conspiracy by the critics to wreck his movie career.

I thought he was on vacation most of this month and all of August. Which is to be expected.

[Damaramu 0]

So what's the twist?

[Guest Smues]

The Village sucked, but Unbreakable was great, and Signs was really good. The trailers have me intrigued, so I'll see it this weekend.

[MarvinisaLunatic 0]

So what's the twist?

 

From what I heard the "twist" is that:

 

there isn't one

[dubq 0]

M Night Shamalammadingdong and Uwe Boll should get married.

[Mik 0]

This is part of what Downhome has in the spoilers up there. I had to take it out because it's not a spoiler, and it's damn hilarious... read.

 

That's the only logical excuse for Lady in the Water, the Philly-based writer/director/egomaniac's convulsive seizure of narcissism that's so nakedly personal—and also so unintentionally, hilariously revealing—watching the movie feels a bit like walking in on your roommate while he's masturbating … to a picture of himself.

 

Now that's an angry reviewer.

[Downhome 0]

Yeah, not all of it is spoilers and there's a lot of funny shit in all of it.

[Angle-plex 0]

On Howard Stern this morning, M. Night said that the critics hate him, and that they would be reviewing him and not the movie. So this is probably just a massive conspiracy by the critics to wreck his movie career.

I thought he was on vacation most of this month and all of August. Which is to be expected.

 

He just came back from a two week break. I'm not sure about August....I know he's taking off for labor day. It's absurd how much time he can take off but being able to hear the show any time of the day is the selling point for me.

[The Niggardly King 0]

The man sucks fucking balls as a writer. As a director... I feel he might be one of top 10 in the mainstream... but please... stop writing.

[MarvinisaLunatic 0]

I think its funny that its a bedtime story he tells his kids.

 

His kids are going be fucked up something bad.

[The Amazing Rando 0]

I think its funny that its a bedtime story he tells his kids.

 

His kids are going be fucked up something bad.

 

 

Actually, they'll grow up thinking they'll live forever...but in a shocking twist, they'll die cold and penniless in a basement in Philly somewhere.

[Ted the Poster 0]

On Howard Stern this morning, M. Night said that the critics hate him, and that they would be reviewing him and not the movie. So this is probably just a massive conspiracy by the critics to wreck his movie career.

I thought he was on vacation most of this month and all of August. Which is to be expected.

 

He just came back from a two week break. I'm not sure about August....I know he's taking off for labor day. It's absurd how much time he can take off but being able to hear the show any time of the day is the selling point for me.

He just doesn't care anymore. About radio or his fans.

[Vyce 0]

On Howard Stern this morning, M. Night said that the critics hate him, and that they would be reviewing him and not the movie. So this is probably just a massive conspiracy by the critics to wreck his movie career.

I thought he was on vacation most of this month and all of August. Which is to be expected.

 

He just came back from a two week break. I'm not sure about August....I know he's taking off for labor day. It's absurd how much time he can take off but being able to hear the show any time of the day is the selling point for me.

 

You are SUCH a mark.

 

In another week & a half, when Stern goes on his next month-long vacation, PM me, and I'll hook you up with some O&A shows.

[Angle-plex 0]

I'm a mark, yes. I listened to Stern since 94 and I even realize the show is nothing compared to, but I can't stop listening. Hey, it's just like WWE!

[UseTheSledgehammerUh 0]

Every movie he has made has sucked and I hate the losers that fall for his propoganda and shitty gimmick endings, so you really don't need to bring up quotes to prove to me that this movie blows.

 

WOW, after reading the plot through the spoilers, I actually want to see this to see what a bad acid trip WITHOUT drugs is like so that I can always remember never to waste my money.

 

This movie sounds like Melrose Place meets Date With An Angel meets Spawn.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

I'll probably go watch this for free, if for no other reason than Signs was the worst movie I've ever seen, and am curious if he can top it.

[UseTheSledgehammerUh 0]

I was dating this girl in college. She's in a sorority and blonde, so you're probably thinking "Wow, dumb beer guzzling skank". She wasn't. However, she wasn't a super cool, down-to-earth awesome chick either. She was a great student, pretty attractive, but a fucking annoying bitch who had these theories and shit that if you didn't agree with she wouldn't talk to you when she went to sleep. She was like...a robot with tits. Emotionless at times.

 

So anyways, we rent "Signs". It sucks balls. I start drinking and taking shots because I hate Gibson, but thought maybe...just maybe...M Night could get a few stars our of this one.

 

MOST BORING FUCKING STUPID MOVIE EVER.

 

So immediately afterwards, I'm drunk. She's not as much. I drank heavily to keep pissing so I could leave the room. She starts ranting about how the film is BRILLIANT!

 

OMG I HAVE TO TELL YOU A STORY...she blurbs out. It's about how her friend died in high school. And how he "haunts" her sometimes in dreams and little things around the house, but in a good way. So she sees one of those fucking idiots on TV that talks to spirits, and SURE ENOUGH SHE IS RIGHT!

 

It's just an example of what assbags are out there that fall for stupid hype and get hooked on movies like this. They can be poor, rich, big, small, pretty, ugly, whatever. I don't mind the realm of fantasy, hell I still pick up a few comics every now and then because I miss being a teenager, but goddamn if this shity director is gonna make a bunch of money with THE STUPIDEST PLOT IVE EVER READ IN THOSE SPOILERS. Go read the spoilers. Seriously. I'll send you a 5 dollar bill if you don't laugh at some point. And it's a serious drama.

 

I don't know where I'm going with this so let me just say that the last time I saw an M Night movie I didn't get laid, I threw up in the toilet, and passed out on the floor. So I will not be seeing this, despite earlier notions otherwise.

[EricMM 0]

wow

[Black Lushus 0]

damn UTSU, you didn't even nut on her leg?

[Guest JumpinJackFlash]

Well...I can't believe nobody's mentioned The Sixth Sense yet when talking about M. Night. I mean...it's probably his best movie, and one of the best of the late 90s.

[Downhome 0]

Well...I can't believe nobody's mentioned The Sixth Sense yet when talking about M. Night. I mean...it's probably his best movie, and one of the best of the late 90s.

 

I'll agree, but only the first time you watch it and then only if you don't guess the ending before it happens on screen. The movie has no replay value at all unless it's just to see it again one more time with the knowledge of the ending. After that, when you are able to watch it with open and critical eyes, the faults of the actual film fly off of the screen and hit you right in the face.

 

Personally, overall, I liked Unbreakable better than The Sixth Sense, and that's not saying a hell of a lot.

 

Here is the second "positive" quote from RT:

 

"The critic in me wants to boo and hiss and cry in disappointment. The 5-year-old in me wants to stand up and applaud."

 

-- Alex Sandell, JUICY CEREBELLUM

 

[Mole 0]

"Shyamalan is mystically assuming that any idea or image that pops into his skull will make a shapely tale, no matter how much cock-and-bull logic he has to invent to Gorilla Glue it together."

 

-- Michael Atkinson, VILLAGE VOICE

This was one of my Professors who has a oddest tastes in movies. One of his all time horror flicks is Blair Witch. Once I heard him say this, I take his reviews with a grain of salt.

[godthedog 0]

did you take one of atkinson's shitty summer classes at NYU or something?