Guest Kinetic Report post Posted June 9, 2002 Ask me any question about anything. I have all of the answers. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Report post Posted June 9, 2002 Haha, ok, not sure why I'm doing this but, I'll give you hard one just to start off, what year was the game Keith Courage released for the Turbo Graffix? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted June 9, 2002 Uh...1996. Yeah, that's the ticket. I was thinking more along the lines of advice and so on. Like Ann Landers, who I bear a remarkable physical resemblance to. Word. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Report post Posted June 9, 2002 Oh, haha, that was dumb question anyway. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Report post Posted June 9, 2002 If Ozzy Osbourne is the prince of darkness, which we all know is the devil, but at the same time people claim that Ozzy is God, does that mean that there is no heaven and no hell, but merely a mixture of the two? oh...advice..... Dear Kinetic, There is this girl that I like who is always complaining about how she doesn't have a boyfriend, then at the same time she tries to get together with these total assholes who play mindgames with her. I've told her many times that nice boys don't hang out at punk concerts, but she won't listen. How can I turn her around? Please help, PerplexedinPhoenix ...is that what you meant? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest J*ingus Report post Posted June 9, 2002 Why hasn't Vince McMahon hired me as the head writer for WWE already, because of the vast array of brilliant comments I've made on this board? Oh, advice, right. Um... Dear Kinetic, How do I meet the girl of my dreams? (The girl of my dreams being tall yet petite, slender yet curvy, with red-blond-black hair, is a virgin who also happens to be a sexual goddess, has a maternal air about her while being nothing like my mother, is incredibly wealthy yet depends on me to dole out everything to her, and is a genius with a forceful personality whom I can easily dominate.) And you have to tell me how to win her over after I meet her. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest areacode212 Report post Posted June 9, 2002 Dear Kinetic, There's this girl who I'm just interested in for sex, not dating & shit. How should I go about seducing her without coming off as a total dirtbag? And... What are some Elvis Costello songs you'd recommend to someone looking to expand his/her musical horizons? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Report post Posted June 9, 2002 Dear Kinetic, How are babies born? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest crandamaniac Report post Posted June 9, 2002 Kinetic, i have a few questions for you! Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 and hotdog buns come in packs of 12? Why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green? What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Who is your daddy and what does he do? Where do dead birds go? and finally.... If cats land on there feet and toast lands butter side up, what happens if you tie a piece of toast to a cat? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted June 10, 2002 Dear Kinetic, There is this girl that I like who is always complaining about how she doesn't have a boyfriend, then at the same time she tries to get together with these total assholes who play mindgames with her. I've told her many times that nice boys don't hang out at punk concerts, but she won't listen. How can I turn her around? Please help, PerplexedinPhoenix Dear PiP, It's wrong of you to assume that nice guys don't hang out a punk shows. I have been known to frequent local punk shows, mostly because of the emotionally-needy 'tang that's invariably in attendance, and I'm the nicest guy you'll ever want to meet. If your ultimate goal is to make this girl like you, you have to get in touch with your inner asshole. This is entirely different than getting in touch with your outer asshole, mind you, which is itself all right as a change of pace every now and then. But I digress. This girl clearly wants to be manipulated. That's what her idea of a romantic relationship is. So, better you than some wallet-chain-wearin' punk. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted June 10, 2002 Dear Kinetic, How do I meet the girl of my dreams? (The girl of my dreams being tall yet petite, slender yet curvy, with red-blond-black hair, is a virgin who also happens to be a sexual goddess, has a maternal air about her while being nothing like my mother, is incredibly wealthy yet depends on me to dole out everything to her, and is a genius with a forceful personality whom I can easily dominate.) And you have to tell me how to win her over after I meet her. You'll have to steal her from my cold, blue hands. Beeyotch. In seducing a perfect girl, you have to find something you have to offer her. Think something other than fantasy booking. Be it intelligence, charm, or an abnormally large cock, you have to figure out what it is that makes you special and worth dating. Once you discover what that thing is, you have to make it extremely evident at every possible moment. Never let her forget it. You might want to consider buying tighter pants. It worked for me. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted June 10, 2002 Dear Kinetic, There's this girl who I'm just interested in for sex, not dating & shit. How should I go about seducing her without coming off as a total dirtbag? Buy tighter pants. I already went over this. If that doesn't apply to you, I'd consider not letting her know that you only want her for sex. Come on, now. If you're looking to have sex without any dating at all, I don't know what to tell you. That's an experience completely foreign to me. What are some Elvis Costello songs you'd recommend to someone looking to expand his/her musical horizons? "Allison" "Watching The Detectives" "Radio Radio" "(I Don't Want To Go To) Chelsea" "No Action" "Riot Act" "I Can't Stand Up (For Falling Down)" "New Amsterdam" "Oliver's Army" "Good Year For The Roses" "Shipbuilding" Just a few easy ones off the top of my head. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted June 10, 2002 Dear Kinetic, How are babies born? Your mother has sex with a stork or something. I'm a little hazy on this one, too. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted June 10, 2002 Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? I don't know. I live in a bubble. Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 and hotdog buns come in packs of 12? It's a conspiracy by the hotdog companies to get you to buy more hotdogs. It's a pretty smart thing, really, because hotdog buns are useless without hotdogs and no one likes to throw away food. Why is the sky blue? Probably chemistry or something. This isn't really advice, is it? Who is your daddy and what does he do? My father is a Msgt. in the United States Air Force. Thanks for asking. Where do dead birds go? Into my collection. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest caboose Report post Posted June 10, 2002 Dear Kinetic, How shall I go about trying to pass my A-Level exams in Psychology and Law? They are in 3 days, but I can't remember anything. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted June 10, 2002 Dear Kinetic, How shall I go about trying to pass my A-Level exams in Psychology and Law? They are in 3 days, but I can't remember anything. As anyone who's ever watched "Growing Pains" can attest to, writing the answers on your shoe is fool proof. And while Kirk Cameron's character did get caught, it's only because he was stupid and they needed a moral to the story. My shoes read like text books, at this point. They're smarter than I am. If all else fails, study, you fool. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest JHawk Report post Posted June 10, 2002 Before I ask my question, Kinetic was wrong about one of them. Why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green? Because if they were the same color nobody would know when to mow their lawn. Dear Kinetic: My ex-girlfriend and I are having an argument over salad forks. She says they go on the left, I say they go on the right. So my question is "Who should I bet on to win the Super Bowl this year?" Signed, confused Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Report post Posted June 10, 2002 Dear Kinetic, Where did you get/make that sweet ass avatar? I know its not advice, but I'm perfect so I dont need any. Dylan RULES!!!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted June 10, 2002 Dear Kinetic: My ex-girlfriend and I are having an argument over salad forks. She says they go on the left, I say they go on the right. So my question is "Who should I bet on to win the Super Bowl this year?" Signed, confused I look at the Oakland Raiders and I see a team that will undoubtedly be, at the very least, 5-0 going into the sixth week of the season. They are contenders. Don't look at the Rams, however, as they're long overdue for a collapse. I predict that Kurt Warner will go out of week four's game against the Cowboy's with a broken pinkie finger and will be out for up to two months. They'll be unable to overcome this. So it should be obvious that the NFC belongs to the Bucs, who will then go on to trounce whoever their opponent in the Super Bowl is. Go Bucs! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted June 10, 2002 Dear Kinetic, Where did you get/make that sweet ass avatar? I know its not advice, but I'm perfect so I dont need any. Dylan RULES!!!! From flipflopflyin.com. In addition to my "Subterranean Homesick Blues" avatar, there are tons of tiny drawings of famous musicians. I was sort of torn between this one and a faceless cartoon Bjork dancing on top of an eighteen-wheeler. But I made my decision and I stand by it. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest areacode212 Report post Posted June 10, 2002 Dear Kinetic, Will you turn this into a column on the site? And did you know that Kirk Cameron got Julie McCullough fired from "Growing Pains" because he didn't approve of the fact that she had posed for Playboy? Screw that, I'm not taking cheating advice from that jerk. Instead, I highly recommend the Fast Times at Ridgemont High method of writing your notes on a piece of paper, which you then tape to the inside of your sunglasses. I hear big sunglasses lenses are coming back anyway. Besides, this saves you from writing all over your expensive shoes. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted June 10, 2002 Dear Kinetic, Will you turn this into a column on the site? And did you know that Kirk Cameron got Julie McCullough fired from "Growing Pains" because he didn't approve of the fact that she had posed for Playboy? Screw that, I'm not taking cheating advice from that jerk. Instead, I highly recommend the Fast Times at Ridgemont High method of writing your notes on a piece of paper, which you then tape to the inside of your sunglasses. I hear big sunglasses lenses are coming back anyway. Besides, this saves you from writing all over your expensive shoes. The thing with the sunglasses method is that just wearing them indoors is suspect. This is not the case with shoes, assuming that you don't live in Alabama. So I'd really have to advise the shoe method over anything else, with the exception of actually studying for the tests and knowing the subject matter. As far as my expensive shoes are concerned, I know a place where you can get Chuck Taylors for $20. Other than that, I'm all about Payless. If people want to send questions to [email protected], then more power to them. I still want some in this thread, though, because I'm just starting to feel it. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Report post Posted June 10, 2002 FUCK. I had a MASSIVE query for you, and I hit the wrong button(I have the response as part of the message board display). It was really detailed too, taking me some 25 minutes to type. It was basically asking which girl I should actually pursue, giving their pros and cons, as well as their mutual sticking point of both being straightedge Christians. At least it gave me a new question to ask! Your Royal Highness Kinetic, How do I keep myself calm after losing a half-hour's work on a pressing subject? I want to put my fist through the monitor. Very Angry, Maximum Proconsul Kotzenjunge (I'm asking for that title very soon) P.S. Great thread! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted June 10, 2002 FUCK. I had a MASSIVE query for you, and I hit the wrong button(I have the response as part of the message board display). It was really detailed too, taking me some 25 minutes to type. It was basically asking which girl I should actually pursue, giving their pros and cons, as well as their mutual sticking point of both being straightedge Christians. At least it gave me a new question to ask! Your Royal Highness Kinetic, How do I keep myself calm after losing a half-hour's work on a pressing subject? I want to put my fist through the monitor. Very Angry, Maximum Proconsul Kotzenjunge (I'm asking for that title very soon) P.S. Great thread! Take up smoking. If you've already done this, then have a cigarette. If not, I'm obligated to inform you that it's an extremely rewarding habit that will make you appear much cooler and more attractive to members of the opposite sex. Don't date straight edge Christian girls. It may seem like a good idea at the time--they're probably really nice, cool, and attractive girls--but at some point you'll want to drink with them and fuck them. It isn't worth the frustration. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Report post Posted June 10, 2002 Your Royal Highness, Thanks for the (very) quick response! Um, nix the smoking, otherwise good advice that I can hopefully follow as long as my damn emotions don't overpower my logic circuits. And I'm only sure about one of them being straightedge and abstaining until marriage. The other one may not be for all I know. I just lumped her together with the other one because she goes to a private Catholic school(notorious around these parts for partying) and is in the choir and stuff. Neither mind or speak with disdain of my stories of wild parties and other excesses, so they could just be all talk and haven't been faced with the actual opportunity to do anything the secular world calls fun. I know the Catholic hasn't, but the first has, so she's a lost cause. Quite Grateful with Pink Lungs, Maximum Proconsul Kotzenjunge Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest TheDames7 Report post Posted June 10, 2002 Dear Kinetic, Why am I so sexy? Dames Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Flyboy Report post Posted June 10, 2002 Dear Kinetic, Why do you live in a such a shitty town like ABILENE, TEXAS?! MWHAHAHA! ABILENE! ... Umm.. sorry. And, why do I live in such a shitty town like Lubbock, Texas? That is all. Your Fellow Texas, AKWW Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted June 10, 2002 Dear Kinetic, Why am I so sexy? Dames This is what's known as either "genetics" or "totally unwarranted egotism." Take your pick. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted June 10, 2002 Dear Kinetic, Why do you live in a such a shitty town like ABILENE, TEXAS?! MWHAHAHA! ABILENE! ... Umm.. sorry. And, why do I live in such a shitty town like Lubbock, Texas? That is all. Your Fellow Texas, AKWW I live in Abilene because this is where my father's stationed. I still live with my parents because I have no money or place to go. Abilene is a shitty town, though, so thanks for verifying that. I wouldn't want any of these Bradshaw pieces on "Confidential" to give people the idea that Abilene is a place that any sane person would want to live in or visit under any circumstances. You live in Lubbock because your parents live there, I'm assuming. It's usually that simple. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Report post Posted June 10, 2002 Dear Kinetic, If I were to be approached by a ....person of color....and they extend their hand, what is the proper response? As in, which of the ultra-sooper cool handshakes do I bust out? Signed, HONKYTonkMan Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
