Mundane Sports Achievements

[naiwf 0]

A couple of quickies. I dunked a basketball over a 6'1 or 6'2 kid on a put back a few weeks before my 16th birthday. I was only 5'7 at the time. Best sports feeling ever.

 

I threw a college regulation football at least 60 yards on the fly as a sophomore in HS. Our football field had the yardage numbers and I was known for having a strong throwing arm, so on a bet I stood at midfield and would get 3 throws. If all 3 landed in the endzone I'd win $20, the first one barely made it in, the second one landed somewhere in the middle of it, and the last one carried the back end of it and landed another 2-4 yards past it. Needless to say the football team wanted me to try out for QB, but I preferred to be a receiver since I really wasn't tall enough to play QB as mentioned earlier.

 

Secondly, I made 4 straight shots from different spots along the halfcourt line while wearing a winter coat and a full bookbag. One from the left OOB line, one from dead center, one from the right OOB line, and then another from the left before rimming out on the 2nd attempt from straight on. Won $20 for making two out of 3 which was the original bet, and doubled it to $40 for the 3rd straight shot. The guy I was betting stopped after that one, but it felt good to make the next one anyway.

 

Going to school with rich kids who had disposable cash and having a knack for idiotic feats of athleticism was my favorite thing about high school. The last one I can remember was squatting 315 when I weighed about 140 or 145. That one made me $40 as I had 4 bets of $10 that I wouldn't even be able to get the bar off of the rack. This one was kind of like cheating though since I'd squatted 315 before, but I still took the money. Incidentally, the guy I dunked on tried to squat the weight and almost killed himself as he teetered backwards and almost forgot to let go of the bar as it was carrying him down. From that point on no one was allowed to squat more than 200 lbs even if they had 2 spotters. That poor guy was really clumsy and took so much abuse for being my personal bitch in every sport we played.

[NYU 0]

I think I'm going to use this thread to talk about games I played in elementary school. I was the fucking man at Spud. Spud rocked, man.

 

YES! I was an unstoppable force at Red Rover. When I was in fifth grade, one girl once tried to run through the chain I formed with another kid -- she wound up flipping over it and landing right on her head.

 

Unfortunately, Red Rover was banned from the schoolyard from that day forward. That doesn't take away from my MVP status though.

[King Kamala 0]

I was a really good guard at Capture The Flag. Nobody could get passed me.

 

Another one I should mention; My 7th grade class won the kickball tournament at 7th grade field day. We crushed everyone that year.

 

As for Red Rover, was there any other asshole like me who would always try to break through the chain formed by the smallest kid in class?

[CanadianGuitarist 0]

I think I'm going to use this thread to talk about games I played in elementary school. I was the fucking man at Spud. Spud rocked, man.

 

YES! I was an unstoppable force at Red Rover. When I was in fifth grade, one girl once tried to run through the chain I formed with another kid -- she wound up flipping over it and landing right on her head.

 

Unfortunately, Red Rover was banned from the schoolyard from that day forward. That doesn't take away from my MVP status though.

 

Ok, this isn't a sport achievement at all, but the quote reminded me of it, and it's a good tale nonetheless.

 

When I lvied with my brother, it was in a 1-bedroom apartment. My bedroom was more intended as a dining room, it was surrounded on two sides by these three tiered steel rails, that my dad likened to a wrestling ring. I told a buddy Aaron this, and both he and his ex-girlfriend Casey loved it, and began calling it the squared circle.

 

A few weeks later, Casey and I are plastered, and Aaron's with us, driving that evening. My buddy Chris and his ex Korren were also there. Casey's lying on my bed towards the end of the evening, with one of her legs and foot sticking between two of the rails. Aaron's on the opposite side of the railing with me, when an also-drunk Chris screams out "ROYAL RUMBLE!". Aaron and I begin trying to toss one another over this railing. I'm too drunk to realise Casey is screaming in pain, caused by my shoving Aaron onto her foot. I don't notice he lets off due to her pain and throw him over the top. I begin prancing around screaming "COLLINS! COLLINS! COLLINS! IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!" Aaron tells me between laughs that I almost broke Casey's foot, and I instantly feel terrible. Chris pulls me aside and says "No friends, only foes, in the Royal Rumble". I still felt terrible, but Aaron agreed with Chris and forgave me.

 

She forgave me the next day, though I still felt badly for about a week. She would then go on to alienate all of our friends one by one, followed by breaking up with Aaron under unbelievably shitty circumstances (which I'm sure is hard to believe given the story I've just told). During that period, this story became just an occurance, to funny again.

[Smartly Pretty 0]

Oh, I forgot all about field day. My friend Emma and I came in last in the field day egg toss three consecutive years. Sometimes lack of achievement is achievement in its own.

[Prophet of Mike Zagurski 0]

I scored two goals in roller hockey. They were the first goals that I scored with my current team. It took about year to accomplish that. The second one was great because I lifted the puck over the goalie's pad.

[the max 0]

I struck out a counselor at a summer camp baseball game. He had had a small minor league baseball stint a few years prior. I was 14 (it was my last year at this camp) and had made the city all-star team (as a third baseman) and had just taught myself how to throw a slider. So, this camp had a giant field that they used for soccer, capture-the-flag, football, etc. At this one end of the field they set up a half-assed backstop, dropped a home plate there and ripped up three patches of grass on the infield for "bases". Now, I was a typical 14 year old asshole kid, running my mouth and throwing fastballs at kids a few years younger than me. In an effort to shut me up, he took a bat and proclaimed that he was going "to hit a homerun so far that it will never land". So, he stepped up to the backstop (no catcher) and the fight was on. I threw my changeup first pitch and he fouled it off to the left so far that I don't think they've ever found the ball in the woods. Second pitch I threw my fastball, which he got a piece of straight back foul. He then fouled off three more fastballs and a changeup before I "unleashed" my slider, which he laughed at as it bounced three feet before the "plate". So I threw it again and he swung as hard as he could...missing by about a foot as the bottom completely fell out of it. I spent the rest of the summer gloating and calling him various sporty names for a power hitter.

[Ripper 0]

I came in 4th at the state track meet in the Mile run with a severly sprained ankle. Although honestly, if I had been well I probably would have came in 3rd at best because geez...the top two guys were ridiculous.

 

I scored 41 points in the second half and overtime of a basketball game and had a quintuple double. Steals, rebounds, assist, points, and yes, blocks. What can I say. I could jump 11 years ago.

 

Ripper - still struggling to accept his vertical went from 46 inches to 26 inches over the last decade.

 

 

[Guest Tzar Lysergic]

I landed a one punch knockout on a Marine at a boxing party, minutes after I finished a six pack of Falstaff.

[Guest Gym Class Fallout]

"Gene KOs Marine" and Leo's whole "Office Chair Jousting" bit are the co-winners of this exercise, the former because it's really cool, the second because it best captures the spirit of what we were going for here, i.e. some level of success at a really pointless and stupid activity.

 

Honorable mention to CanadianGuitarist showing up 14-year-olds in remedial gym class. I liked that one bunches.

[Fuzzy Dunlop 0]

My senior year of high school, when we started our annual basketball month in gym class, me and five other uninspired nerdy white boys decided to join forces, united by our common theme of both not trying and being extremely bad... I was gonna say gay, but I thought Czech would be the only one to get it. It was me, Matt Keth (the only one of these guys I kept touch with), David Delph (whose sister is now my boss and not a very good one), Peter Morrison (now works at Gamestop, see him rarely, but pretty cool), Dan Raftery (fuckin' asshole, but that's a story for another day), and John Schoop (just some kid, I guess).

 

Anyways, we had lost like eight straight or something, and coming up on our second-to-last day, until Matt and I came to school particularly inspired after seeing Kirk Hinrich's first career slam dunk in person the night before. We were playing under rules of "first to 20 points wins," and we came out firing, taking the other team completely by surprise, and we ended up winning 20-4. I had like three assists and one turnover, or something, but one of my assists was the turning point when Rickey Hunt (now a single father at the grand age of 22) tried to dribble a basketball off my head, and I responded by jumping into the air, bouncing the ball of the top of my head and directly to Dan, who just happened to be standing under the basket at the time.

 

 

[King Kamala 0]

I was the captain of almost every one of my early morning elementary school intramural teams for some reason. Didn't matter what sport it was or the fact that I'm incredibly uncoordinated and suck at every legit sport, I was the captain of so many teams. Floor hockey, volleyball, basketball, I was the captain every season. All I remember is in basketball I was known for my rebounding and playing dirty. I remember in 5th grade, my basketball team was 2-6 but one of those wins came over the team that eventually won the championship. How we pulled that off, I don't know.

[Guest Gym Class Fallout]

Yessssssss. Great. See, I knew DoCock would be able to contribute.

 

Did you ever do the Creepy People chat room? I tried once, didn't get it to work, and never bothered again. That one Jandek-sorta guy still calls the show.

[Fökai 0]

Putback dunk in a rec game...with my balls in Woody Harrelson's face.

 

I did not know that kick-fielding was legal in kickball. I would've been a deity in elementary and middle school if I had known this.

[Fuzzy Dunlop 0]

Yessssssss. Great. See, I knew DoCock would be able to contribute.

 

Did you ever do the Creepy People chat room? I tried once, didn't get it to work, and never bothered again. That one Jandek-sorta guy still calls the show.

 

No, I somehow feel like that could possibly distract me from the awesomeness that is the show itself, plus as it is a "live video chat," and Boers and Bernstein might possibly be the ugliest men in the world (sans myself) I'll just stick their voices for now.

[Spaceman Spiff 0]

I just shot a golf ball into a trashcan today on the fly. The tee area was elevated, and the trashcan (open, cylindrical, wider at the base than the top, the diameter of the opening roughly 1 foot) was about 40 feet away & to the left, so it was just an atrocious tee shot, but still it was pretty amazing. The trashcan was leaning away from me, but I don't know if the force of the shot caused that, or if it was already like that, making the shot even more amazing.

[Guest Gym Class Fallout]

Fuckin' awesome. Now that's a mundane sports achievement. The variety of conditions involved makes it great.

 

 

[Guest Tzar Lysergic]

"Gene KOs Marine" and Leo's whole "Office Chair Jousting" bit are the co-winners of this exercise, the former because it's really cool...

 

Really lucky, too. Drunk and throwing bombs. I outweighed the guy by like sixty pounds, so that helped.

[Guest Tzar Lysergic]

two_tuff_toddy, former TSM boarder and friend of mine for many years is a force to be reckoned with at ping pong.

[UseTheSledgehammerUh 0]

"Secondly, I made 4 straight shots from different spots along the halfcourt line while wearing a winter coat and a full bookbag."

 

Shenanigans. But either way, that's some story.

 

I won the travelling team (Varsity) middle school basketball championship, scoring ONE POINT during the entire season. I wasn't even the worst player on the team. I just never, ever got playing time, like a few others. The coach was a prick, playing starters even with a 10-pt+ lead. But sure enough, when I hit the foul shot in one game (first rd. playoffs) the place popped big-time.

[EVIL~! alkeiper 0]

I've got one that fits the bill.

 

Talked to my friend James today. He tells me he was the king of mercy when he worked at Split Rock Resort. (It's a game where you knuckle-lock with the other person and get them to cry uncle). Only lost three times. The first two times were mundane. One day he beats some co-workers, and one suggests that he challenge Gene in the lounge.

 

Gene Snisky.

 

I'm told the encounter lasted as long as three seconds by some accounts.

[Brett Favre 0]

Three seconds is pretty good.

[foleyfanforever88 0]

In highschool gym, my friend Carl and I won the first badminton tournament, and went undefeated until the final game of the second tournament (we finished with the best record but weren't crowned the champs).

[Guest Pizza Hut's Game Face]

Back in 8th grade, there was a pair of old office chairs in the garage that were being taken out to the trash. Naturally, my friend and I decided to race them down the street. I won this race. The trick is getting the most out of the downhill portion of the track, i.e. my driveway, because kick-pushing only gets you so far with a chair. You need lots of momentum, and that gave me enough momentum to win it.

[King Kamala 0]

Czech, what's the opposite of a mundane sports achievement? Cause I got one for that involving mercy. I lost a game of mercy once to a girl. It was one of the most embarrassing moments of elementary school to me. But to be fair, her playground nickname at the time was "The Barbarian" and she was probably as big as me. Still my cruel classmates at Longfellow Elementary never let me live it down.

[Guest Pizza Hut's Game Face]

Czech, what's the opposite of a mundane sports achievement?

What's the opposite of a fire hydrant?

[AboveAverage484 0]

I won the doubles volleyball tournament senior year. I was pretty good at volleyball but just average at most normal sports. I was also pretty good at dodgeball in most of its incarnations.

 

I guess more in line with the topic, me and my friend made this game up where each person sits on one end of the living room and try to slap this empty can of beef jerky (looked like a can of snuff) across the other's goal. It was pretty stupid (what else do you do freshman year of high school?, you're at the bottom of the food chain) but it kept us active for a good hour or so. Another dumb game was invented by me and my brother, I guess around middle school (I was in 6th and my brother was in 4th). You get one of those plastic brooms and start out with each player holding onto one end. Your goal is to wrest control of the broom away from your opponent and "stab" your opponent with it, preferably in the chest, ribs, or stomach. Pretty brutal game, but it was pretty intense when your on the couch and your brother is trying to put a broom through your ribs.

 

Really, there were no achievements in the above paragraph, but they were mundane enough I figured they warranted inclusion.

[sfaJack 0]

My team finished fourth in the co-ed lunchtime volleyball league run by the fitness center here. That's an improvement from our 6th place finish last year.

[Guest Tzar Lysergic]

Just beat my girlfriend at arm wrestling.

[Brett Favre 0]

Just beat my girlfriend at arm wrestling.

 

Do you see what happens when you mess with the WARRIOR!?