Uwe Boll will stop making bad movies if..

[MarvinisaLunatic 0]

I wonder what his take on the Mario Brothers movie would've been... Hmmm

 

After that disaster I dont think Nintendo wants to allow its own games to be made into movies or we'd have obviously seen a real Zelda movie by now.

[cd213 0]

One of these days...just one of these days....Uwe Boll will make a movie that will blow us all away with how awesome it is. Just you watch!

 

And that movie WILL be POSTAL, which comes out later this month.

 

 

I wonder what his take on the Mario Brothers movie would've been... Hmmm

 

After that disaster I dont think Nintendo wants to allow its own games to be made into movies or we'd have obviously seen a real Zelda movie by now.

 

Did you not see DOUBLE DRAGON? No, then again, no one else did, except me. You want to talk about a horrible video-game-to-movie movie.

[Black Lushus 0]

yeesh, Double Dragon has been playing on the Starz/Encore channels this past month. I forgot how truely awful that movie is. How hard is it to make a faithful Double Dragon movie? Honestly?

[BUTT 0]

I wonder what his take on the Mario Brothers movie would've been... Hmmm

 

After that disaster I dont think Nintendo wants to allow its own games to be made into movies or we'd have obviously seen a real Zelda movie by now.

 

Did you not see DOUBLE DRAGON? No, then again, no one else did, except me. You want to talk about a horrible video-game-to-movie movie.

Nintendo doesn't own Double Dragon.

[MarvinisaLunatic 0]

One of these days...just one of these days....Uwe Boll will make a movie that will blow us all away with how awesome it is. Just you watch!

 

And that movie WILL be POSTAL, which comes out later this month.

 

 

You might get blown away alright..blown away that your theatre actually has the balls to carry it as there are only 4 theatres carrying it in the whole country.

 

and lets all laugh at boll for thinking he could get it out on 1500 screens. Im really curious to see how much money it makes on just 4 screens.

[Atticus Chaos 0]

The movie world needs Uwe Boll. If only to make every other director in the world feel a little better.

 

Besides...Tara Reid as an archeologist? Laughably bad dialogue ('you did all this to become immortal...why?' 'To live forever!') and nonsensical plots...his movies are works of comedy genius and very entertaining in their own dumb way.

[Jingus 0]

The movie world needs Uwe Boll. If only to make every other director in the world feel a little better.

 

...his movies are works of comedy genius and very entertaining in their own dumb way.

Sadly, they're becoming less entertaining, as Boll seems to be verrrrry slooooowly improving as a filmmaker. He's still got a hell of a lot more improvement to go before he even becomes "not bad", but anyone who saw Bloodrayne II or In the Name of the King can tell you that they're not as hilariously incompetent as House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark were. Still bad, but just annoying bad and not hysterical bad. I'm hoping Postal reverses this trend, what with the rumors about a bunch of tasteless jokes about 9/11 and Columbine and such.

[Atticus Chaos 0]

In the name of the king was pretty ridiculous. How did Jason Statham get involved in that? He's actually a pretty big star and he's doing a Uwe Boll movie!?

[Jingus 0]

Still, compare to House of the Dead, In the Name of the King looked like Lord of the Rings in comparison. It's not like Statham hasn't been in a bunch o' crap in his career already. Besides, Boll has a startling track record of getting overqualified people to be in his movies. I mean, yeah, I know Ben Kingsley was in Species, but there's a world of difference between that and playing a vampire overlord in Bloodrayne.

[AntiLeaf33 0]

yeesh, Double Dragon has been playing on the Starz/Encore channels this past month. I forgot how truely awful that movie is. How hard is it to make a faithful Double Dragon movie? Honestly?

 

the guys at ScrewAttack.com did a commentary of Double Dragon a few months back, and even they got bored of the movie halfway through

[haws bah gawd 0]

The movie world needs Uwe Boll. If only to make every other director in the world feel a little better.

 

Besides...Tara Reid as an archeologist? Laughably bad dialogue ('you did all this to become immortal...why?' 'To live forever!') and nonsensical plots...his movies are works of comedy genius and very entertaining in their own dumb way.

 

Sad part is he stole that line from the first Puppet Master movie. I tried sitting through House of the Dead on Sci-Fi one night. It wasn't one of those "so bad, it's good" movies like Plan 9 From Outerspace, it was so bad I couldn't sit through it. I love the scene where the character goes into a flashback of the previous 10 minutes of the movie while they're all in the middle of a gun fight with some zombies. The one redeeming factor of House of the Dead was Boll's overuse of the Matrix Camera during this gunfight. Every single character got their own bullet time zombie battling sequence. Sheer hilarity.

[Youth N Asia 0]

The movie world needs Uwe Boll. If only to make every other director in the world feel a little better.

 

Besides...Tara Reid as an archeologist? Laughably bad dialogue ('you did all this to become immortal...why?' 'To live forever!') and nonsensical plots...his movies are works of comedy genius and very entertaining in their own dumb way.

 

Sad part is he stole that line from the first Puppet Master movie. I tried sitting through House of the Dead on Sci-Fi one night. It wasn't one of those "so bad, it's good" movies like Plan 9 From Outerspace, it was so bad I couldn't sit through it. I love the scene where the character goes into a flashback of the previous 10 minutes of the movie while they're all in the middle of a gun fight with some zombies. The one redeeming factor of House of the Dead was Boll's overuse of the Matrix Camera during this gunfight. Every single character got their own bullet time zombie battling sequence. Sheer hilarity.

 

Exactly. There is such a thing as "so bad it's good," but almost everything he's done falls into "so bad it's fucking unwatchable."

[Jingus 0]

the guys at ScrewAttack.com did a commentary of Double Dragon a few months back, and even they got bored of the movie halfway through

Do you have a link to that? I went looking for it, but their site's search function sucks.

 

The one redeeming factor of House of the Dead was Boll's overuse of the Matrix Camera during this gunfight. Every single character got their own bullet time zombie battling sequence. Sheer hilarity.

Especially how some of the characters' weapons suddenly transformed during the bullet time sequences. She's holding a pistol! Oh wait, now it's a shotgun! Now it's a pistol again!

 

Exactly. There is such a thing as "so bad it's good," but almost everything he's done falls into "so bad it's fucking unwatchable."

Oh I dunno, I thought House of the Dead was fairly hilarious at parts. I'd watch it again, if only to show it to poor unsuspecting victims who didn't know what they were in for and laugh uproariously at their reactions.

[Atticus Chaos 0]

Alone in the dark was hilarious

 

-about 6 or 7 paragraphs of incomprehensible narration and scrawl at the beginning,and the security guy ends up repeating it later anyway.

 

-tara reid as a genius archeologist...and how do we know she's smart? She has glasses! Nevermind that she looks more like a stripper at the beginning of her act...Oh, and she can't even pronounce newfoundland right.

 

-and we're expected to believe this archeologist is also an expert at using firearms

 

-Rob, security guy and master of exposition. He knows everything about the Akanki indian tribe AND the curators lovelife.

 

- 'Being afraid of the dark is what protects us, kid.' or 'don't open that door!'

 

-a laughable sex scene done to terrible europop music and slater doesn't even take his shorts off (nor does Tara lose her bra, which is funny, considering that's the only reason she had to be in the movie).

 

-the bit where these marines just show up out of nowhere and basically every action scene involving them

 

-christian slater and stephen dorff going from bitter enemies to best freinds is about 30 seconds

 

-Oh, yeah and the Passage to a secret underground laboratories and giant Xenom caves appearing from nowhere in front of orphanages.

 

 

 

It's so funny, I remember thinking it had to be intentional. In the name of the king, there's also Burt Reynolds saying 'call in the ninjas!' which is the best bad line ever.

[the max 0]

He may not be a great filmmaker, but he's an entertaining guy. Liked him on Opie and Jimmy yesterday.

[Jingus 0]

-and we're expected to believe this archeologist is also an expert at using firearms

Along the same lines, but even better, is when the captain hands out the guns to all the "ravers" in House of the Dead. It's the kind of gun porn which slowly, lovingly caresses all the firearms with "oh my god, isn't this the coolest shit ever" type of camerawork. And then all these civilians somehow turn out to have a Chow Yun-Fat level of stunt marksmanship. (One of many arguments for the greatness of the new film Zombie Strippers! is a similar scene where a bunch of badass weapons are handed out to our working-class heroes... and then Robert Englund mutters "Okay... now, does anyone know how to use one of these?")

 

-a laughable sex scene done to terrible europop music and slater doesn't even take his shorts off (nor does Tara lose her bra, which is funny, considering that's the only reason she had to be in the movie).

I remember listening to the director's commentary track, which had many many LOL moments. But the best one is where he basically calls Tara a pussy because she refused to get naked for a sex scene which is so beyond gratuitous that it doesn't even make sense that it would be happening. He uses that excuse to brag for the thousandth time about how Kristianna Loken is his Bestest Friend Ever while proudly discussing her nudity in the upcoming Bloodrayne (which turned out to be brief and inconsequential anyway).

[Atticus Chaos 0]

I rewatched In the name of the King and you had a point, Jingus. The plot and dialogue were as bad as ever but Boll has learned to shoot a film properly now at least. The action scenes are shockingly quite good. However, the whole thing still came off as Uwe Boll trying to do poor LOTR imitation and I still can't grasp how that film cost $60 million to make ( I suspect Boll may have pocketed most of the cash).

 

 

If you gave Boll a decent scriptwriter and an enthusiastic cast, (most of the actors in his movies are there solely for the paychecks and it shows) and more studio involvment to keep him in check, he might just come up with something that's actually okay to watch. Rather than so bad its good.