Diagnose Me, I'm Sick

[Kinetic]

First correct diagnosis gets a copy of the piping hot new Jung Billz album.

 

So I came down with some sort of illness in late June of 2006. Here's a rundown of my symptoms:

 

Balance problems- I'm constantly unsteady on my feet and when walking will feel like the ground is sagging underneath me. This is worse some times than others, but is a constant issue.

 

Digestive problems- I feel pretty nauseous most of the time. The consistency and color of my shit has changed entirely and I have frequent bouts of diarrhea. Eating will often worsen my balance issues.

 

Cognitive problems- On a daily basis, I will experience a fog settling over my brain that makes it difficult to think clearly or remember anything. This usually only lasts for a few hours, but will sometimes continue until I go to sleep.

 

Vision problems- My vision has become permanently clouded by a sea of flashing dots. Some are what are referred to as "floaters," while some are just tiny white flashing lights that never stop. I also sometimes experience double vision, particularly when listening to the Foreigner song "Double Vision."

 

I'm starting to think multiple sclerosis. I'm not a doctor, however, and as I have no insurance and no money, it's unlikely that I'm going to get that verified by anybody who is any time soon. So what says you, TSM?

 

EDIT: Oh, yeah, constant fatigue, too. Can't forget that.

[The Ghost of bps21]

cataracts and or homosexuality

[DrVenkman PhD]

WebMD is pretty vague. Having "CFIDS" (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) has nothing to do with anything other than the fatigue issue I selected, but it makes the cut anyway.

[Guest Vitamin X]

If this has been going on for a bit over 2 years, how strong has it been? Has it interfered with your daily life that bad or anything?

 

It sounds to me like an infection of the inner ear. You sure there's no free clinics in your area you can go to, to check out what's wrong with you?

[death_by_burrito]

The part about your shit being different colors and the constant fatigue reminds me of a friend who had the same symptoms when he had hepatitis as a kid. Don't remember which form it was, but yeah, sounds familiar. Though since this has been going on for the last two years, I figure something like hepatitis would have lead to much more severe symptoms in such a long period of time.

[FroGG_NeaL]

acid flashbacks.

 

or syphilis, in the middle stages.

[Matt Young]

AIDS

 

R.I.P. My 4th favorite poster.

 

Incidentally, that reminds me. Where has my least favorite (non-retarded) poster been? Incandenza.

[Guest Tzar Lysergic]

Toxoplasmosis

 

You have a cat, right?

 

I wouldn't guess MS unless you have numbness or weird sensations in your extremities.

[Kinetic]

Toxoplasmosis

 

You have a cat, right?

 

I wouldn't guess MS unless you have numbness or weird sensations in your extremities.

 

Well, the girlfriend has a cat and this all started long before we moved in together. I do have numbness, tingling, and other strange sensations in my extremities, as well as a lot of involuntary twitching of the limbs.

 

If you go into a free clinic (or a nearly free clinic) with a laundry list of mysterious symptoms, chances are they're going to think you're either crazy or full of shit and just prescribe you some anti-depressants. This is what happened to me. All of my blood work came out normal, as did my shit and piss samples. So I don't know. I think I'm going to have to collapse before they'll do anything for me.

[At Home]

If you go into a free clinic

 

That is the problem right thur

[Guest Tzar Lysergic]

Well..

 

Are you crazy?

 

Everything you're listing goes with MS, though.

[Guest Tzar Lysergic]

Hey! Vitamin or electrolyte deficiency!

 

Describe your diet, vices, medications, and living conditions. I was pre-med for a few weeks. I can help.

[Kinetic]

ignore

[Kinetic]

Well..

 

Are you crazy?

 

Everything you're listing goes with MS, though.

 

I took the anti-depressants for a while, but stopped because I didn't think I was getting anything out of it. They were useful in getting the panic attacks under control, but that was largely a "mind over matter" sort of deal anyway and I think I could have done it without pills.

 

Yeah, MS, that's the Montel disease, right? So you can lead a normal life with it, maybe even host your own talk show. It is so like me to develop a chronic, incurable disease of the central nervous system. Just my luck.

[Guest Tzar Lysergic]

Well, it can kill you, too.

 

Doesn't explain your bloody shit, though. That's the riddle here. The bowel problems involved with MS I think are predicated on poor nerve control in that general area. I still think you have some kind of protozoan.

[Kinetic]

Hey! Vitamin or electrolyte deficiency!

 

Describe your diet, vices, medications, and living conditions. I was pre-med for a few weeks. I can help.

 

Diet is a lot of sandwiches. Tuna fish. Burritos. Hamburgers. Not a lot of fruits or vegetables. Vices are smoking, drinking, and staring at myself in the mirror. No medications. Clean living conditions, although I lived in relative squalor when symptoms first presented themselves.

 

[Guest Tzar Lysergic]

So you don't take vitamins, then?

 

Squalor points to toxoplasmosis, too.

[Guest Tzar Lysergic]

Metabolic Acidosis

[Kinetic]

Doesn't explain your bloody shit, though. That's the riddle here. The bowel problems involved with MS I think are predicated on poor nerve control in that general area. I still think you have some kind of protozoan.

 

And the bloody shit (which really only happened once, for the record) was the trigger for all of this. I was perfectly normal prior to that, but have been a dizzy, sickly mess ever since. But emphasizing this point at the doctor's office took me down the dead-end street of Irritable Bowel Syndrome, which got me prescribed another useless medication.

[Guest Tzar Lysergic]

Maybe you have an ulcer, or a bleed.

 

Describe your bowel movements in frank and factual detail.

 

All of the neurological symptoms could be a byproduct of a fucked up pH, poor nutrient absorbtion, something like that.

 

Bloody poo as the herald to all these problems supports that.

[Kinetic]

When not diarrhea, they will be thin and gooey. Never float, always sink to the bottom of the bowl.

[Guest Tzar Lysergic]

Ok, you're not digesting things properly or something. Plus you may be eating crap.

 

Try this: Eat nothing but tuna fish and All-Bran cereal for the next 72 hours. Take vitamins in this span of time. Drink nothing but water.

 

See what happens.

[Guest Smues]

[Maztinho]

Demon Brimley always makes me laugh uncontrollably for like five minutes.

[Maztinho]

It's obviously Lupus.

 

It's NEVER Lupus.

[DrVenkman PhD]

Is the "Diabetus" thing with Brimley a gimmick? He seems to have no problem pronouncing the word normally when he names the organization, so one does wonder if he's just playing it up.

[Nighthawk]

My mom (who is, in fact, diabetic) says "diabeetus" the Brimley way. But then one wonders if she just learned it from his ads...

[PILLS! PILLS! PILLS!]

I always like to refer to cancer as "the" cancer. With a Yonkers accent.