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The Simpsons Character Draft

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Last pick, I'll take...




Big Daddy



"New Orleans is my town. Nobody going to mess with me. I got interests, and I ain't talking about stamp collecting, though I do find that extremely interesting."



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Now that Venkman mentions it, I'm glad Lindsay Nagle hasn't been picked yet. One of the few Simpsons characters I actively dislike. Another one is Helen Lovejoy. I guess I'm spoiling since I don't think either have been picked but dammit I don't care!


I wouldn't mind Helen Lovejoy getting drafted, but Jesus Christ, yes, I'm glad nobody's drafted Lindsey Naegle too. What a boring, boring stock character.


I really only dislike Helen Lovejoy for the brief period where they tried to get "Won't somebody please think of the children!" as a catchphrase. For some reason, that really annoyed me.


And yeah, the introduction of Lindsay Naegle just happens to correspond with the downfall of The Simpsons. So many better secondary characters yet she plays a decent part in a lot of later day episodes.

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I can't find a picture, but Simpsons Tom Brokaw is awesome.


"And we laugh legitimately! They're a colourful bunch - a mathematician, a different kind of mathematician, and a statistician."

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I'll take the best member of U2: Adam Clayton...! And his spoon collection!


(Far right)

Adam: Look, guys. I got a Springfield spoon for my spoon collection.

The Edge: Aw, 'ere we go...

Bono: How many spoons have you got now, Adam?

Adam: Nine. If I didn't have my spoons, I'd go insane.



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Well, I opened my draft up with Albert Brooks playing a villain, and god damn it, that's how I'm gonna close it, too.




Russ Cargill


"Well, then you find 'em, and you get 'em back in the dome! And to make sure nobody else gets out, I want roving death squads around the perimeter 24-7! I want 10,000 tough guys, and I want 10,000 soft guys to make the tough guys look tougher! And here's how I want them arranged: tough, soft, tough, tough, soft, tough, soft, soft, tough, tough, soft, soft, tough, soft, tough, soft!"

"... s-sir, I'm afraid you've gone mad with power."

"Of course I have. Have you ever tried going mad without power? It's boring, no one listens to you!"


or, alternatively...


"There's a couple of things they don't teach you in Harvard Business School. One is how to cope with defeat; the other is how to handle a shotgun. I'm going to do both right now."


.... or, alternatively...


"What, are you telling us we're trapped like rats?!"

"No, rats couldn't be trapped this easily. You're trapped like... carrots."

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In my final pick, I had a hard time picking one...but...




Mark Hamill



Luke, Be A Jedi Tonight!



"That was close. Well, thanks a lot, Homer."

"Well, it's a ... hey! I thought you twisted your ankle!"

"Oh, yeah ... well, see, the thing about that, is..." /runs


"Hey, pal. That's my head shot up there next to the pepper steak, and don't you forget it."

"You're all talk, Hamill! You never even finished Jedi school!"


"Homer! Use the for..."

"The Force?"

"The forks! Use the forks!"



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I thought about Mark Hamill but really didn't care to pick him up...I also thought maybe Funzo might have been my last pick...but then I remembered this Simpsons character......


Rabbi Hyman Krustofski




Young Jewish Man: Reb Krustofsky, should I finish college?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: Yes. No one is poor except he who lacks knowledge.

Jewish Woman: Rabbi, should I have another child?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: Yes. Another child would be a blessing on your house.

Jewish Man: Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: Could you rephrase that as an ethical question?

Jewish Man: Um... is it right to buy a Chrysler?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: Oh, yes. For great is the car with power steering and dyna-flow suspension.

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Let the shortlists and second-guessing begin:


I couldn't find a picture of Alex Trebek, which contributed to my not drafting him. I also had The Who, Keith Richards, and all of the ballplayers in "Homer at the Bat" on my list, specifically Wade Boggs. I can't explain why, but the way he said "How ya doin?" when being introduced was hi-larious!

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I probably should have drafted David Byrne since Talking Heads is one of my favorite bands. I've got the Simpsons cast poster on my wall and was using it constantly. At a glance, the characters I was surprised to see go unpicked were Blinky, the nerds from Homer Goes to College, George Harrison and Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney from The Beatles, and Lance Murdock. And I remember some debate over Snowball II earlier but no one seemed to get any of them/her. And Ku Klux Klam.

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