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Obi Chris Kenobi

What will be the worst movie of 2009?

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Just got back from seeing Knowing. Add it to the pool of contenders. I don't know if I'd rate it worse than Street Fighter, I'll have to give that some thought. No way I watch both of them again anytime soon though, so I'll only be able to judge from the initial viewings. What a pile of crap this film was. I think I'll elaborate later today, I need to go to bed.

 

Phew what a pile of shit though, and I don't forsee 2012 being able to take the title of 'worst end of the world' movie for the year.

 

I've been making fun of that movie Knowing ever since I saw the first ad! I was like "well, here's Nic Cage in movie about the end of the world, so what's it called?" Then the words Knowing go across the screen, and I'm thinking "Knowing? That's the best title they can come up with?" :lol: I think it's kinda sad that Alex Proyas directed that movie, I thought he actually did good stuff. To show you Roger Ebert's state of mind, he gave Knowing 4 stars.

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Is Knowing bad in the unintentionally funny way or bad in the this shit sucks way? I ask because Wicker Man with Cage was hated by critics yet I enjoyed the movie for its unintentional humor.

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I read some amazing spoilers for Knowing, including the ending in which

the world actually ends and aliens show up to pick up some kids and bunny rabbits. Not to mention a plane crash where people survive the crash landing long enough to run around on fire while Academy Award Winner Nicholas Cage shouts "Hey! Hey!" at them.

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I read some amazing spoilers for Knowing, including the ending in which

the world actually ends and aliens show up to pick up some kids and bunny rabbits. Not to mention a plane crash where people survive the crash landing long enough to run around on fire while Academy Award Winner Nicholas Cage shouts "Hey! Hey!" at them.

 

Nope, you pretty much hit in on the nose

. Knowing was the worst movie I have ever seen in theatre. The previous one was Speed 2, and as God as my witness this was one shitty movie.

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Ebert is beyond done as a good critic. I loved the guy, but he's been done for a couple of years now. It does sort of surprise me that he gave it 4 stars, as his usual MO is to give awful movies that he's decided he has to give a thumbs up 3 stars, his threshold for thumbs up. And I'm not even sure why he decided to love this one. My guess is because it's an end of the world movie, but this time it's not man caused so I dunno why he'd love it. Apparently his review website is down, so I'll have to read it later. Remember when he gave The Happening 3 stars, basically because he liked the idea of the Earth fighting back? Yeesh.

 

Ok, Knowing. For starters the tag line on the posters was "What happens when the numbers run out?" So you know it's going to suck based just off of that. If this movie doesn't get a Rifftrax then there is no justice in this world, but then again they haven't done Ghost Rider yet either.

 

This movie make no damn sense. The whole plot of the movie is that fifty years ago some kids made a time capsule at their school. Now it is opened and there's a letter in there with a zillion number. The numbers list out dates and the amount of people that die that day in a big tragedy. It basically lists every mass death in the last 50 years, plus three that are yet to come. Ok so that's what the trailers showed up, and that's what got idiots like me to go see it. Well, the whole list is COMPLETELY POINTLESS.

It's aliens. God damned aliens called 'the whisper people' told the numbers to the girl who wrote them down. The three events that haven't happened yet are a plane crash, a subway crash, and the end of the world. There isn't a way to prevent the end of the world, and all the aliens do is take some kids away to a new planet so the human race can survive. So WHAT THE FUCK was the point of the list? It's not like the aliens couldn't take the children anyway. So basically the main hook of this movie is bullshit and just a waste of two hours.

 

And how in the hell the aliens know all this is never addressed. The end of the Earth thing I get, they could have advanced science and been able to figure out the sun was going to go nuts. But how in the hell do they know about the terrorists going into the twin towers, and hotel fires? If the aliens are that advanced that they can predict the future crystal clearly, you'd think they have a better plan than to put a bunch of numbers in a time capsule and then abduct kids and rabbits. And I'm not sure if the list was specifically meant to be used by Cage or not, but I'd have to guess so, given how smart the aliens are. But again, WHY? Nic can't stop the plane crash, nor the subway crash, nor the end of the world. And let's say the list doesn't exist, so what would happen? The aliens would take the kids and the only difference is Cage doesn't know what happens to his son, and the annoying chick might not die in a car crash. When the truck hit her car I resisted the urge to audibly cheer, but I did pump my fist. Hey if it takes a truck to shut her screaming up I'll take it.

 

Also, for no reason that was explained, the aliens (who look like the albino from the Davinci Code) keep hanging around Cage's kid. Standing out in the woods and what not. Oh and giving the kid little black rocks. They act like the rocks have some big meaning, but they end up just being all over the ground where the aliens ship is. What the fuck was the point of that?

 

And then there's the plane crash. For starters, this pretty much confirms the aliens can see the future crystal clear, because despite not knowing that the magic list contains GPS coordinates for all these disasters, Cage finds him self EXACTLY AT THE SPOT of the first predicted event that hasn't happened yet: a plane crash. And let me say the entire sequence may be the worst scene I've seen in a major Hollywood film. Everything about it was just awful. From the crash itself, to the shaky camera as Cage runs directly towards to, to the zillion random explosions that keep happening, oh and don't forget all the flaming bodies! It's hard to explain, you just have to see it. The scene was just beyond awful for every painful second it was on the screen.

 

Oh and did I mention that Cage's dad is a preacher but the prior year Cage's wife died in a fire so if he had any faith he lost it? And he happens to now believe that everything that happens is completely random? How whacky that a guy with those beliefs would find a pre-determined list of events! And oh ho ho his wife's fire was on the list too! Wow how surprising! Oh wait, did I say surprising? I think I meant lazy screen writing. My bad.

 

Oh and the aliens, we see way too much of them and for no apparent reason most of the time. They just keep showing up and mentally talking to the kid. Oh and there's the scene where one shows up in the kids bedroom, and just points to the mirror. That was odd. Then the kid watches the end of the world through the mirror? Why waste time with that when you could just grab the kid for your ship now? And back to that god damned list. The last hidden piece of it was a location for the end of the world date. And it leads to the alien spaceship. Again, WHY? The aliens get the kids themselves, all this does is allow Cage to find them and say good bye to his kid. WHY? Why would the aliens make this stupid list.

 

And so the ending is the Sun is going to rape the Earth and burn everything, so the aliens need to get some kids (and rabbits for some reason) off the planet. Ok whatever. But they tell the kid that it's kids who heard the whispers only and no adults. Why? They give no adequate reason why Cage can't go along. And after they bring the kids to their new planet the aliens INSTANTLY leave, so the kids are left alone to fend for themselves. Wouldn't having an adult or two, especially say an MIT professor like Cage, around to educate and watch out for the kids be a smart movie? I just don't get it.

 

And the entire end of the movie is pointless. You've long since figured out EXACTLY what's going to happen, but we still have to spend 20 minutes watching it, and it couldn't be more boring. The alien ship takes FOREVER to land and takeoff, and it's just incredibly boring. And that really should have been the end with the ship leaving, complete with the aliens showing their true forms, and ascending with wings, like angels. Yes, wings. GET IT? But no we get Cage on the ground crying, then waking up and driving through mobs of people, getting his sister, and going home to his parents to all die together. And then we watch fire destroy everything. Ok movie over. Nope, now we watch the kids land on their new planet. I'm guessing the last scene with the kids running towards a giant tree is supposed to mean something, but I didn't get whatever they were going for. Is it the mana tree? Is it an Ent? What the hell is going on?

 

If I watched this a second time I'd have plenty more I'm sure to write about, since I know I'm forgetting a lot. Like how the music and acting try to make every little thing super serious. I want those two hours of my life back. Please?

 

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So basically it's a mash-up of all the very worst ideas that M. Night Shyamalan ever had? Awesome. I like this "Smues dies for our sins by going to watch some shockingly horrible movie, and then resurrects to come back and bitch about it at length" deal. Also, nothing new there about Ebert, the man gave Anaconda three and a half stars, sometimes he just falls in love with some bullshit.

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Anaconda is one of the best guilty pleasures though, so I can understand why Ebert loved that. If you want to talk about a movie Ebert liked for a reason I can't figure out, how about Spawn? I think he gave that three and a half as well. And wow, what Smues said about Knowing makes this movie look even worse and unintentionally funny more so than that Wicker Man remake. I was pretty much laughing out loud during those spoilers.

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"Smues dies for our sins

He does this every day. That is why he shall come back to judge the living and the dead.

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Next week I expect to get dragged to 12 Rounds, so my pain can be other people's gain! Plus I just realized that Dragonball comes out on April 8th. I wasn't thinking it would be out until June or July. I can't wait.

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All this weekly bad movie talk (and a previous post I made about my SCENE Card) reminds me of the good ol days before a bunch of people I knew moved on with their lives after graduating University. We saw The Condemned and Kickin' It Old School on the same day!

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The Condemned stands out as the creepiest movie audience I've been a part of. Not because of anything they said or anything but solely because of the fact that the audience consisted of me, a friend, and four or five middle aged guys sitting by themselves. It probably looked like a porno movie audience to the usher.

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I saw Miss March. It's awful, but not worst movie of the year

Is it ahead of either Street Fighter or New in Town? And have you decided between those two which is worse yet?

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When I went to see Miss March (which isnt completely horrible), there were five people in the theater. It was me, my friend, some creepy old guy who looked like he was about 80 sitting right behind us in an empty theater, and then some lady in the very back who brought some other lady who was probably 100 years old and didn't seem to have a clue where she even was let alone that she was supposed to be watching a movie. It was creepy.

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Street Fighter is worse than New In Town. Miss March is better than both.

 

Miss March was: me, some guy who watched the movie lying down, and two parents who brought their 2-year old child.

 

No, I'm not making that up. They brought their 2-year old to see Miss March.

 

The movie's awful, but I laughed at a few scenes and Darryl from The Office is always good for something. The main character looks like dge.

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Miss March was: me, some guy who watched the movie lying down, and two parents who brought their 2-year old child.

 

No, I'm not making that up. They brought their 2-year old to see Miss March.

Nearly every R rated movie I've seen in a theatre has has somebody bringing a little kid (sometimes kids) along with them. I'm starting to wonder if it's some kind of rule. There were a lot of parents who brought their youngest children to see "Watchmen" when I saw it.

 

The only times this hasn't happened is the few limited release movies I've seen (including "Mullberry Street", whose audience was made up of me and two other guys) and "The Rules of Attraction," in which I was the only person in said theatre.

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Smues was totally right about Knowing, it was just laughingly bad though, like so bad I still found it perversely entertaining in a total unintentional humor kind of way. Alot of the crowd seemed to, as well, including audible groans followed by laughter when it started to get really REALLY bad into 2/3 of the movie. The acting here was just jaw dropping awful though too (but then again, given the script, do you blame them?), with pretty much nobody in the cast as an exception. The character Cage played was cowboying a bottle of whiskey during most of the movie, and I wonder if he really DID have whiskey the entire time of filming, as he really phoned this in, big time. The female lead was extremely annoying to the point where once something significantly bad happened to her, like Smues stated, you literally wanted to cheer. But the story ultimately made no sense and that ending, oh that ending. I have no fucking idea what a

golden tree that the kids immediately recognize and run madly towards is supposed to mean?

 

The only really positive from the film was that the effects seemed to be pretty good in terms of the major disasters that occured in the movie. But at the same time, after the disasters happened, how they filmed the aftermath of those disasters, in terms of how they had Nicolas Cage's role in it, was just so beyond absurdly bad you just had to laugh about it all.

 

I'd actually recommend seeing this, at least when it's out on DVD, just for the sheer "so bad it's good" factor.

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Isn't 12 rounds supposed to be quite good? At least, by WWE movie standards. Cena's not a great actor, but from what I've seen he's not embarressingly bad either, mainly because he just sticks to what he's good at. If he had to play a doctor or a lawyer then he'd be terrible. Even the clips I've seen make it look mildly interesting.

 

Of course I saw one kind of funny clip where the girlfriend is like 'he's totally going to kill you and win!' despite the fact that bad guy could kill her right there and then by taking his finger off a trigger and really she should be too traumatised to make jokes. So, maybe it will veer off into so bad it's good territory.

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Isn't 12 rounds supposed to be quite good? At least, by WWE movie standards. Cena's not a great actor, but from what I've seen he's not embarressingly bad either, mainly because he just sticks to what he's good at. If he had to play a doctor or a lawyer then he'd be terrible. Even the clips I've seen make it look mildly interesting.

 

Of course I saw one kind of funny clip where the girlfriend is like 'he's totally going to kill you and win!' despite the fact that bad guy could kill her right there and then by taking his finger off a trigger and really she should be too traumatised to make jokes. So, maybe it will veer off into so bad it's good territory.

 

Considering it was directed by Renny Harlin (who hasn't done an even bearable movie to me since Die Hard 2) I would expect a bunch of unintentional hilarity, like most of his films are.

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Just saw the first commercial for Dragonball. Apparently the story is now Goku wasn't accepted at school and was bullied. Then one day he discovers he can open lockers with his hand. Now a bunch of old guys expect him to hold up a glowing bouncy ball and make big fireballs. The end.

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The children in R-rated movies reminds me of the funniest part of the movie "Pineapple Express" - watching a mom take her two children, who looked to be about ages 4 and 6, if that, out of the theatre, but not until Bill Hader finished pantomiming a blow job. It was all kosher before, I guess.

 

Everytime I see the title "New in Town" (which I've never heard of), my mind temporarily confuses it with the ICON game "New Kid in Town". I expect maybe 4 people (if that) who post here to understand what that statement means.

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Considering it was directed by Renny Harlin (who hasn't done an even bearable movie to me since Die Hard 2)

Hey, don't knock "Deep Blue Sea."

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This probably isn't going to be seen by enough people to be considered truly bad on a national level, but it's the trailer for Kurt Angle's new movie.

http://www.northshore-pictures.com/video/E...me_Trailer.html

 

 

Dodgy production values? Check.

Ridiculous plot? Check.

Bad acting? Check.

Kurt Angle dressed as a clown? Check.

 

This is going to make 12 rounds look like All About Eve.

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Smues and I should have a bad movie off, we seem to see real gems.

 

The sequence at the gas station where Rose Byrne and Nic Cage shout at each other is amazing. I also love, as Smues said, that the list is pointless. And that the list had a hotel fire on it. And the science guy with the lisp.

 

Nic Cage comforting his kid and telling him to go the aliens was great. There there son, go with the nice aliens.

 

Also, the minute the credits hit, they should've played I Hear Voices in my Head

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