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It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it.

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How To Vibrate
 

The End of EHME

Febuary 10th, 2009. The day EHME was put to rest (banned)   Granted, this banning was a long time coming. The man had been skirting the edges since 2006. People were calling for his banning then, and they were recently. His entire tough guy act was terrible-he couldn't even do that right. Everything about the man was annoying.   His constant homophobia, drunken (and sometimes coked up) antics that were more tiresome than interesting (he couldn't even do drunk posting right), terrible attempts at starting fights with others, threats of violence towards other posters, cliched tough guy dialogue (fuck you, bitch, fag, faggot, etc), impregnating a woman (and gloating about it-seriously, who the fuck does that? It's amazing protective services haven't taken the kid away yet), horrible attempts at humor (saying your only kidding when threatening posters is no excuse for sucking you dumb fuck), and general attitude served as nothing but a detriment to the board. At times, he was so horrible, he actually made me long for the days of the likes of CronoT.   Now he's gone. Or at least until Mike unbans him and pisses everyone off for being a dolt.   Will he be missed? Fat chance. Every message board has it's EHME. Hell, we have a terrible poster or two or more banned every year. It's just that this one was two or three years too late. In the end, nobody will miss him or his antics. He had enough chances already, and today was the last one. He finally blew it. Sure, there are other terrible posters here, but there was only one EHME on this board. And one was enough. He wasn't the worst poster we've had (that prize goes to either MikeSC or wildpegasus), but he was undoubtably one of the worst.   So good riddence.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

5
How To Vibrate
 

The Friday The 13th Series: A Brief Retrospective

In case you didn't know, the "Friday the 13th" remake recently made the top spot in the box office. Well, in retrospective, here's a look at the series so far:   -Friday the 13th-A good beginning, though not the best in the series. Funny that for a film that helped set the staples for the slasher film, the original "Friday" feels more like an Itallian Giallo film than it does a slasher movie. Also, the arrow through the throat scene is still one of the best kills in horror history. Rating: 7/10   -Friday the 13th II-Along with Part 4, this is tied as my favorite entry in the series. Unlike the following sequals, there's a genuine sense of dread and eeriness pervading the proceedings, and the burlap sack mask is pretty interesting too. Rating: 8.5/10   -Friday the 13th III-Jason kills dumb teens in 3D for your enjoyment. A pretty fun entry, which introduced the Hockey Mask wearing Jason we all know today, and contains an oddly endearing quality to it beyond it's slasher movie trappings. Also worth noting is the dude with the Jewfro-a hairstyle originally meant to portray complete losers is now loved thanks to the likes of Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill. Rating: 8/10   -Friday the 13th IV-One of the best entries in the series, and featuring the most remorseless, vicious Jason in the history of the franchise. The presence of Crispen Glover doesn't hurt either. Rating: 8.5/10   -Friday the 13th V-Has the most nudity in the series, and some splendid kills as well. That out of the way, the film itself feels too much like its going through the motions, and is the first to show signs of the series losing steam. The fact that it's an imposter Jason doesn't help either. Rating: 5/10   -Friday the 13th VI-At this point, the series tries to inject more humor to the proceedings. While this doesn't hurt for the large part (Arnold Horshack getting knocked off is a huge plus,) it still doesn't live up to expectations, and again, shows the franchise running out of steam. Rating: 6/10   -Friday the 13th VII-Two major pluses: the introduction of Kane Hodder as Jason-simply put, he's the best Jason the series has ever had. Also, it has the best kill in the series-woman trapped in a sleeping bag slammed against a tree trunk. Sadly the MPAA cutting out much of the gore, and another sense of going through the motions (not even the evil bitch character-a slasher stereotype I love-can save this) makes this an unspectacular entry in the series. Rating: 5/10   -Friday the 13th VIII-Jason on a boat. Terrible not only as an entry in the series, but as a slasher movie overall. Nothing-not even the black guy getting his head knocked off-feels new or interesting, and the whole thing is proof that the series needed to die. Rating: 0/10   -Jason Goes To Hell-And takes the viewer with him in this horrible attempt to breath new life in the franchise. The less said the better. Rating: 0/10   -Jason X-Proofyour horror franchise is now a joke: put the villain in space. Actually, this is several steps up, with jokes that are actually funny ("We love pre-marital sex!") and one of the best kills in the series (cryogen frozen face shattered.) Watchable, but feels too much like a Sci-Fi channel made for TV movie to really work. Rating: 6/10   -Freddy vs. Jason-Fans were clammering for it, and here it was. While it doesn't live up to all of the expectations, it's still a good entry in the series, though admittingly, it;s a stringer "Nightmare on Elmstreet" movie than it is a "Friday the 13th" movie. Rating: 7/10   -Friday the 13th (Remake)-Yes, you've seen it before-but that's why it fun. A much needed reboot that feels more like an entry in the series than a remake, and the most vicious Jason since part IV.Sure, the score is unremarkable, and Jason is a bit too smart for his own good at times, but it's still a good entry that brings the fun back to the franchise. Rating: 7.5/10
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

2
How To Vibrate
 

Brody's on Ignore.

Brody: Take your 9/11 truther bullshit out of the CE folder. I'm as Anti-Bush as you'll get, and even I don't believe that "9/11 Was an Inside Job" bullshit. If you do, then congrats! You're retarded.   Seriously, I fucking hate truthers.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

4
How To Vibrate
 

My Bloody Valentine 3D and Flapjack

"My Bloody Valentine 3D" is a blast. To really enjoy it, you need to see it in 3D (well, yeah), and with a packed theatre. Highlights   3D Gore-seeing eyeballs and jaws fly at you is great. 3D Nudity. If you haven't seen that, then you have not lived. Tom Atkins! It's great to see him on the big screen One of the actors from the original is in this 3D trailers It's totally cliched, and you don't care 3D pug The only lowlight is the reveal in the killer. Other than that, it's really fun, and one of the better remakes in recent memory. Check it out if you can.  Oh yeah, the "Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack" marathon was on Cartoon Network today. I don't care if it's a kids show, this show is awesome, and absolutley hilarious.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

1
How To Vibrate
 

Smegma

Hello TSM. How are you? Are you comfortable? May I offer you a beverage?   Anyways, things are alright. Classes are alright (I'm taling a class on Satire, which seems like it's going to be great) and it's snowing. Actually, it's jst snow on the ground at the moment. Anywho, it's been largely uneventful lately. Ortonsault hates me (fine, I'll shut up about Leena), and I'm about to lose to 909 in the Best poster tournament round 1 (at least I'm up against a good poster.)   Oh well.   I have class a feature story writing class at 8:30 in the morning now, so I'm pretty tired just about all the time at the moment. I have a roomate too now, though I lucked out this time, as he's a good guy (and a fellow H.P. Lovecraft fan)-oh, and he works part time as an Indy Wrestler. This is the second guy I've known who works part time for Indy promotions.   And that's what's up with my world. Hope you're happy TSM.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

3
How To Vibrate
 

A Letter to Leena

Dear Leena,   I doubt you are reading this-actually, since you seem to have OCD when it comes to TSM, you probably are, so here goes: People don't like you not because you just happen to be a woman. People don't like you because you're you. You are completely unlikable, do nothing but act superior to others, have mood swings, and behave like a total bitch. Maybe if you didn't obsess over this place (seriously, there's other message boards better and worse than this one), and got an attitude adjustment, then you wouldn't be a punchline. And who obsesses over a fucking message board anyway? How much free time do you have in your hands? We aren't forums.somethingawful.com ya know. My guess: a lot. Really, we aren't worthy of so much attenton. Maybe you just do this because it gets you the attention you cannot obtain in the real world (you know, that amazing place outside of the internet-yes, it really exists!) So in short: get a life, and drop the martyr complex.   Love, gary floyd   P.S. Paul fucking sucks.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

1
How To Vibrate
 

Final Best and Worst of Awards 08

-Comercials that most need to end-The Geico Cavemen. Look, it was amusing at first, but it got old fast. Now it's gotten past the point of flogging a dead horse-it's practically sodomizing it. The more I see these, the more annoyed I get.   -The finally cancelled award-Mind of Mencia and MadTV. While Mencia was horrible, it didn't pollute the airwaves as long as MadTV did. For giving the world terrible music video parodies, Ms. Swan, Stuart (I want to personally kill Michael McDonald), that annoying old lady who plugged her ears and said "La La La" over and over again, Bobby Lee, and helping to make Frank Caliendo a star, it may be the worst comedy show in history. At least it gave us Nicole Sullivan (who has always been easy on the eyes,), Phil Lamarr (who's turned out to be a pretty good voice actor), and Artie Lang, but that doesn't make for a case for forgivness. The crimes it has comitted are far too numerous.   -People actually like this?-Twilight. Really, when I was a kid, I saw a picture of Nosferatu. It gave me nightmares. Vampires should be cool, not this retarded shit. This almost makes the goth chic vampires of "Underworld" and their ilk look tolerable.   -Worst Food Network Personality-Guy Fieri. In a network with Paula Deen and Rachel Ray (who I'd fuck given the chance), this bleach blonede, sunglasses on the back of my head wearing douche makes my blood boil. My hatred of this man knows no bounds.   -Best type of Metal-Doom Metal. I like Technical Death Metal and Thrash and some Black Metal, but Doom is the best.   -Worst Critic-Armond White. A man who unironically references the Ting-Tings, hated "The Dark Knight", "Milk", "There Will Be Blood", "Slumdog Millionaire", and other acclaimed movies, but loved "Norbit" and "Chuck and Larry", he has to be a practical joke.   -Most Certifiable insane Presidential candidates-Cynthia McKinney and Lee Mercer jr. McKinney believes 9/11 conspiracies, that the government killed 5,000 men in New Orleans, and hates the Jews (kkktookmybabyaway comment forthcoming.) Mercer though-it's a shame his site is gone, because he was a whole golden pot of insanity. He also looked an awful lot like Michael Clark Duncan. Look him up on Google, you will be entertained for hours.   -Worst Avatar-Anyone with their picture as an Avatar-especially Enigma and NoCalMike. I can't believe I used to like Mike.   -Farewell To These Shows-"The Shield", "Pushing Daisies", and "The Wire." Shield and Wire are tied for me as best crime show ever, and had great runs, and while "Daisies" isn't gone yet, it will be soon. At least I still have "The Venture Bros."   -One Gets Worse and One Gets Better-"Family Guy" and "American Dad." "Family Guy" is so terrible now, I wonder if Seth isn't pulling some kind of "Wacky Deli" style prank on us. "American Dad" however, is much better, as it actually is funny, pays attention to things like plot and characterization, and doesn't rely on bad cut away gags. Plus, the social commentary is less forced and preachy.   -Worst Wrestling Promotion-TNA. I rarely mention wrestling here anymore, but TNA is like WCW in it's late period levels bad. It's like some kind of Dadaist interpretation of Professional Wrestling.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

2
How To Vibrate
 

Horror Year End Review 2008

Best Horror Movie: Let the Right One In. Honerable Mention: Inside, The Lost, The Signal, Stuck, Splinter, Teeth, Eden Lake, The Strangers, Machine Girl, Tokyo Gore Police, Cloverfield, Dance of the Dead, Doomsday.   Worst Horror Movie: The Happening. Honerable Mention: Prom Night (remake-also, a PG-13 slasher flick? Really?), One Missed Call (remake), Shutter (remake), Rest Stop 2, Otto: Or up With Dead People, Cthulhu, Funny Games, Feast II, Untraceable.   Most Disappointing: Tie between Mother of Tears and Diary of the Dead. Honerable mention goes to The Ruins, Cthulhu, Blindness, Rogue, My Name Is Bruce.   Best Kill: Mom and son kick the bucket (Machine Girl) Honerable mention goes to Head exploding shotgun blast (Frontier(s)), Scissor Stabbing (Inside), accidentally shooting friend in the head (The Strangers), Amish Scythe Suicide (Diary of the Dead)   Most Cringe Worthy Scene: Scissors cock stab (Inside), Tendon removal (Frontier(s)), actually, most of Inside, "Just like Sharon Tate..." (The Lost), Deep fired hand (Machine Girl)   Goriest Movie: Tie between Machine Girl and Tokyo Gore Police.   Best Actor: Mark Senter (The Lost), A.J. Bown (Signal)   Best Actress: Lina Leandersson (Let The Right One In), Beatrice Dalle (Inside)   Best Cast: The Lost. Honerable Mention: Stuck.   Best Villain: Ray Pye (Mark Senter) in The Lost. Honerable mention goes to The Woman (Beatrice Dalle) in Inside, Lewis Denton (A.J. Bowen) in The Signal, The Strangers in The Strangers.   Best Independent Horror Movie: The Lost. Honerable Mention goes to The Signal, Stuck, Splinter, Teeth, Dance of the Dead.   Best Foreign Horror Movie: Let The Right One In. Honerable Mention goes to Eden Lake, Machine Girl, Tokyo Gore Police.   Best Hollywood Horror: The Strangers. Honerable Mention goes to Cloverfield and Doomsday.   Most Pleasant Suprise: Dance of the Dead Guilty Pleasure: Doomsday   Best Quote: "Because you were home." (The Strangers)
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

1
How To Vibrate
 

This is why we can't have nice things II

Here at TSM, we don't always get always get along-actually, we usually don't. So here's to my annual "posters who suck" list.

-Deon-He was finally banned, and for good reason. One of the worst posters of all time, he sucks in every way imaginable. His banning was a long time coming, and is something of a blessing really.

-Marvinisalunatic-GLENN BECK! SARAH PALIN! HD TV! 3 DOORS DOWN! He's hated by virtually everyone, yet will never be banned.

-Leena-Was banned (asked to be), and can't quit bitching. Bitch please, you must have a mental disease, assume the position and get back down on your knees.

-SuperJerk-An argumentative, self loathing, unfunny, misogynistic shell of a man who made me embarressed to like Obama. There's being a supporter, and personally going out to consume shit, and Jerk crossed that line many a time. What's there to love? Oh yeah, that's right-nothing.

-Marney-A racist, insane, xenophobic, ultra conservative lesbian with a penchant for making up stories.

-cabbageboy and DarKnight-Mouthbreathing cousins who are terrible in so many ways, and just more proof of how much the WWE folder sucks usually. See also: Enigma, Canadian Dragon, Marvin, Chazz, J-Pop, Grungy Punk, and others.

-Grungy Punk-Speak of the devil, here's a treasure trove. Incredibly annoying and stupid, prone to making dumb comments-I could go on.

-bob barron-To be fair, bob doesn't suck really. Sure, he complains, but he's the Ombudsman, or whatever. Thing is, he's gotten even whinier and bitchier over the last few weeks, and it's getting intolerable.

-Bruiser Brody-I know, it's a PBP. He's not doing anything he hasn't done already. He's gone from amusing to really annoying and contrived though. And shut the fuck up about your Uncle. Oh, and he really, really isn't funny. He's terrible. Should he be banned? No, but he still sucks. Look at Milky: He's a deviant, but you can actually have a regular conversation with him. Brody can't even do that, he just drives the gimmick to the ground.

-Canadia Dragon-CM PUNK IS BEING BURIED!!! Shut the fuck up. Punk is lucky he's gotten this far. A lot of guys in the business wish they were going that far.

-Chazz-Oh, go ahead and respond Chazz. What are you going to do? Are you going to come up with terrible comebacks and insults? Call Obama "Osama" (oh, so edgy!)? Call me bitch? PM an insult to me? Bitch about the WWE?

-Jingus-From bitching about misogyny constantly (when he does this, I think of Rob Schneider as The Sensative Naked Man talking), dissing my man Dario Argento (though to be fair, "Mother of Tears was a serious letdown), calling the splatter comedy "Machine Girl" torture porn (Hint: it's a movie with a chick with a machine gun for an arm. You aren't supposed to take this seriously you know) and having something of a victim complex, I only had to save him for last. It makes sense really. He even PM'd me asking me what my problem was, but I deleted it. Here's my problem Jingus: you suck and nobody likes you. Quite being a whiney bitch and
-gary floyd-I hate that faggot.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

1
How To Vibrate
 

A message to Chazz

Look, just wanted to let you know that you aren't threatening or imposing in any way, shape, or form, that you are terrible at comebacks (seriously, "Your Mom" jokes?) and insults (LOL OBAMA SOUNDS LIKE OSAMA, SO I'LL CALL HIM OSAMA!!! AREN'T I CLEVER), and that you are annoying if anything. So yeah, you should shut the fuck up.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

5
How To Vibrate
 

Abortion Fest '08 (or, Thanksgiving with relatives)

There's a lot of reasons why people don't want to go to meet relatives for Thanksgiving-mine just happens to be politics.   You see, I was raised Catholic (I consider myself a non-religious believer now), and well, my mom's side of the family is very Catholic and very strict about it. That means every issue for them turns into abortion. They obsess over it. That's the main reason they vote Republican-they hate abortion. Everytime you try to point out that they are wrong (no, Sarah Palin was not very bright, there's a reason more young people voted), they tell you "well, Obama's going to abort all the babies." I can understand why someone wouldn't like Obama (I did vote for him, but come on, this is America), but for the main reason being "grrr ABORTION!", that's just close minded. It was like talking to those people at Pro-Life rallies that hold pictures of aborted fetuses and shove them in your face, screaming "YOU SEE! YOU SEE!" Yes, I see, and that's a disgusting picture. Get that shit out of my face.   So yeah, Thanksgiving was fun when people weren't talking politics. Too bad about 65% of it was just that. I actually went into it thinking "I am not going to talk politics." That's wishful thinking. I hope your Thanksgiving was better.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

2
How To Vibrate
 

ROLLING STONE GAVE CHINESE DEMOCRACY 4 OUT OF 5 STARS!!!!

IT WILL OBVIOUSLY BE GREAT!!!!!!   Yeah, well they also gave St Anger 4 stars, as well as 50 Cent's The Massacre, Emiem's Encore, and several other shitty albums. 4 stars from Rolling Stone don't mean shit. Oh, and they gave Mick Jagger's Goddess on the Doorway 5 stars-no solo Mick Jagger solo album is good ,you out of touch cocksuckers.   Also, quit fooling yourselves: this is not Guns N' Roses. Yeah, it's called Guns N' Roses, but it's not, ok people. It's just Axl Rose (and his enormous ego's) solo project. Nothing more, nothing less. Oh, and it's pretty unlikely it will live up to all the hype.   Don't agree? Tough shit. Quit sucking the guy's cock and face the facts. Unless you forgot The Spagghetti Incident.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

5
How To Vibrate
 

TV Update-(Some) of us aren't dead yet

Cancelled Do Not Disturb-Yep, looked terrible anyways. No big loss. My Own Worse Enemy-Didn't like it much, though I do feel bad for Chritian Slater. Easy Money-Never saw it. The Ex List-Actually on Hiatus, so who knows. Future looks dim. Never watched it Lipstick Jungle-Poor Brooke Shields. Never Watched tthe show, but poor her. MadTV-THANK YOU GOD!!!!! Mind of Mencia-Again, Thank you God.     Future Uncertain   Life on Mars-Damn, I was really starting to like this show. It's not on the spring schedule. Dirty Sexy Money-Eh. Pushing Daisies-Damnit America, this show is awesome. Why does this have to be tanking. It's one of the best things on TV right now. It's smart, funny, cute, and more imaginative than most of what's on TV. I'm ashamed.     Future Looking Good   Chuck-Obvious, but good to see that. Gary Unmarried-I hang my head in shame. Fringe-Doing good ratings, and not a bad show to boot. Good for them. Knight Rider-America: I love you, but you have terrible taste in TV shows. Kath and Kim-Sucks, but seeing it's on between "My Name is Earl" and "The Office", not too suprising. 90210-Haven't seen it. Life-Not bad. Not a great show, but a good one, so good for them. Terminator: TSCC-Good for them, It's a lot better than I expected it to be, so yeah. Good tos ee James ("The Venture Bros.") Urbaniak getting work. According to Jim-Why? I have yet to meet one person who likes or watches this show.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

2
How To Vibrate
 

Obama is President

Yep, he's president. Deal with it. I don't want to hear any dumb "Osama" jokes kkktookmybabyaway, or any others. I do want to know how The Pit is taking it though, so let me know that.   This is pretty big news. If you don't realize this, then you are an idiot. If you don't like it, then tough shit. I'm happy at the moment. I will say though: McCain went out with grace, and Palin (Leena looks up to her BTW-bitch please) looked pissed. Free Republic is having a meltdown. I'm amazed Marvin hasn't killed himself or that Marney isn't plotting assasination (yet.) The Campaign 08 thread is where it belongs. Cynthia McKinney is still a joke, anyone who really thinks Bob Barr had changed is a sucker, Nader-it's like beating a dead horse. Czech, after months of bitching about Obama, voted for Obama. Marney probably muttered "fucking niggers." I almost feel bad for McCain. MikeSC is probably more paranoid than usual. Al Franken didn't win after all (I guess voters remembered "Stuart Saves His Family"), and I'm eally busy at the moment. And happy.   So congrats Obama.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

8
How To Vibrate
 

The Internet is driving me crazy

In case you didn't know, the internet is where political debate and a personal opinion go to die. Now everywhere I go online, I hear bullshit like "OBAMA A SECRET MUSLIM" or "PALIN AN EVIL WOMAN!"   This is what politics has transformed into: a shouting match. Taunting each other. Puffing one's chest. Saying retarded things like "Barack Obama HUSSEIN!!!!" This is not political discussion or observation. This is childish bullshit. This has become The Justice League vs. The Legion of Doom for some people. How else would you explain the popularity of political blogs that say the same right wing and left wing talking points?   This is retarded. I do not want McCaine to be the next president.* I also wish people on both sides were better than this, and that dumb personal attacks, "our way or the high way" and "America: love it or leave it" bullshit didn't exist. But it does. Maybe it's because the internet has given retarded mouth breathers a voice that no one with a properly functioning brain would want to hear. People should be better than this, but they aren't. In a perfect world, we wouldn't have the likes of Michael Moore and Sean Hannity. It's not a eprfect world though.   In short, until you have something to say that's 1.) Not a talking point, 2.) Actually intelligent, 3.) Not a stupid personal attack on character that has nothing to with the issues, or 4.) Mature, then I don't want to hear it. Blow it out of your ass. People like this are what's ruining political discourse in this country. It has gotten to a point where disagreement leads to insults and shouting. Come on, you can be better than that.     *I do however, want to fuck Palin's brains out.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

5
How To Vibrate
 

Reasons Why "Return To The 36 Chambers" is Awesome.

It's hilarious, distrubing, perverse, scatalogical, homophobic, mysoginistic, violent, schizo-in short, it's what many a white rapper has tried to accomplish, and failed to deliever. Rza's Production-"My beats are slammin' from the rugged programmin'" He brags about being on welfare. "Brooklyn Zoo" is awesome, but "Damage", "Proteck Your Neck II In The Zoo" and "Harlem World" deserve plenty of love. "Drunk Game (Sweer Sugar Pie)" in it's entirety. "I'm the baddest Hip Hop Man on the Planet!" He raps, sings, howls, bellows, forgets his rhymes-it's the musical equivelent of a paranoid crackhead on open mic night. Like The Gravediggaz "6 Feet Deep", it does what Insane Clown Posse and many of their peers tried to do, but failed to in the fact that it's violent, sexist, and really fucking funny instead of completely horrible. The opening. "Never in the History of Hip Hop" has never been used so appropriately. He randomly sings "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" Words of aadvice: "Go To School. Take a shit. Don't wipe ya ass." His Hip Hop drops on ya head like ra-a-ain His balls are fragile like eggs. GZA's performance on "Damage" is among his most underrated-plus, it's fun to hear him loosen up a bit. Not only is there no other Hip Hop album like it, there's no other album quite like it. It's a realy one in a kind experience that everyone must experience to truly understand or love.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

2
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