kkktookmybabyaway

I’ve been on a customer kick as of late, so I might as well keep the trend going. Now normally bitching about stupid customers is what many former customers service representatives remember during their time at these go-nowhere jobs, but that isn’t always the case. I think one problem many customers have is that they always seem afraid to admit when they’re wrong or when they fuck up. One of my favorite customer exchanges came while working at the Quickie Mart. The store had an ATM and one afternoon a middle-aged woman went to use the services of this machine, which was one of those that you only had to swipe your card through rather than insert it into the machine. For some reason I caught the end of her transaction, and once her receipt was spit out she stood there in bewilderment for a few seconds. She then turned around to me and said, “The machine ate my card!” I replied, “No it didn’t.” When she asked, “How do you know?” I answered, “Because it can’t” and pointed to her one hand. It was at that time she looked down and saw that she was holding her ATM card. Now while many customers would probably get pissed off at this point, seeing how the lowly cashier had just “dissed” them, this lady just busted out laughing and did a variation of the “whoosh” gesture with her hand and the top of her head and left. If only more customers were like that. We all do dumb things every now and then, and if you can’t laugh at yourself then you can’t laugh any other people. On the flip side of this spectrum are the asshole regular customers. There were many at the Quickie Mart, but one that really sticks out was “One and One Man.” This miserable old bastard always came in and would order a small coffee and a newspaper. Since a small coffee and newspaper was something like one dollar and change he would always walk by a register, say “one and one” and toss the money on the counter and proceed to make a fucking mess of sugar and creamer juice by the coffee station. Now all of this was tolerable enough, but one time he pissed me off for what he did to a co-worker of mine. To say that this kid was portly would be an understatement; he was a big boy. However, he was a nice guy, but for some reason customers always gave him shit; probably because of his girth or something equally lame. Well one day One and One Man came up to his register with just a coffee, and this kid asked him, in a polite and courteous way, “Did you already buy your newspaper today?” One and One Man snippily replied, “Did you eat?” which I managed to hear. This pissed me off, and the stare I shot at him from the time he said that until he walked out the door made him aware that I heard what he said. For the next week or two I was a bastard (well, at least more than I usually was) to One and One Man. I didn’t say anything to him, but rather I would just accept his money and return change in the same manner he would behave toward us who worked at the Quickie Mart. One Saturday morning he threw his money at me for his “one and one,” and I proceeded to throw his change right back at him, turn my back and walk away in one swift motion. He then began screaming and my co-worker (a different chick from my 8/28 entry) had to play damage control, which was nothing new considering she was the “good half” to our morning tandem. Of course One and One Man would return and return again, and I don’t think I ever said anything to him. Hopefully he’s dead by now. • And now for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this): Some lady phones in and wants to know … actually, I don’t really know the reason for her call. All I was listening to was how she was unemployed and that she never gets along with the upper management at any of her places of employment. The problem, according to her, was the lack of support her bosses gave her when it came time to “back her up” with the employees she was supposed to supervise. You go girl. It sucks having to supervise people you had no part with during their hiring process. And yes, most upper managers are spineless, but that’s why they make the big bucks. However, when asked how many jobs she had worked the caller replied, “Three jobs in four months.” Goddamn, even I’m not that big of an insubordinate.

I think I heard of this show -- where/when was it on? I disagree. Being bitter is fun.

You may be right, but when you worked at the Quickie Mart, what did you have to do when a customer couldn't pay for fuel? 1) Because she always gave change for $100 bills. 2) She had yelled at me before for being an asshole regarding this policy. It's not my fault she doesn't have my people skills.

Neither one made me weep.

Good for you. Is the job unionized?

I do like the ads ESPN is using with the people waiting for MNF though; the most recent one with the co-worker asking the same questions every Monday morning got a laugh out of me. "How was your weekend?" "Not long enough." "I hear that." Ugh.

Where are you working now, Kotz?

I've purchased a few things via Amazon. No complaints.

So there I was a week or so ago winning the Stanley Cup in NHL ’06. Uh, yay, I guess. A few days later I proceeded to do all the off-season stuff this game has to offer (which isn’t much, but whatever). I generally like console off-season features. It’s a nice break from playing the actual games, plus it’s usually not too detailed with tedious shit that you have to do. Well after signing draft picks and a free agent or two, I decided to save. Now you know whenever you save a Playstation game it has that wording on the screen, “Don’t remove card, shut power off, etc.”? Well I now know why you shouldn’t do this. The fucking power went out in mid-save. The kicker? It went out for about 2 seconds. File corrupted. End of story. I figured this was God’s way of telling me to get up and do something with my life. Was this “something” to devote my time to charity, mentor a youth or visit a retirement home? Well I certainly hope not because my definition of “something” in this case was to go and get more video games. One type of sports game I haven’t purchased in a long time is basketball, so I decided now would be a good time to try this genre out. A few days ago I bought NBA 2k5, ESPN College Hoops 2005 and NCAA Football ’05. Not only did these games cost me less than $10 total, but I think they will tide me over until/if I get a next-gen console a few years from now. I normally buy Electronic Arts sports games, but the ESPN brand seems to get much better reviews over the EA titles when it comes to basketball. I also went with the ESPN brand for basketball because you can import draft classes, which for some reason I want to do; that’s why I also purchased NCAA ’05. Getting beat by the Charlotte Bobcats is telling me it will take some time to get the hang of the game play for the basketball titles; the last NBA game I remember playing was NBA Live ’95 and NBA Jam on my Genesis. One thing I could have really done without was hearing Stuart Scott on the loading screens. Christ, the developers thought this was a good idea? After a few games Bill Walton’s commentary is still making me laugh. I think I committed only a half-dozen “inexcusable” errors my last game, which is tells me I'm improving. One thing I like about NCAA Hoops is that you can generate random names instead of those annoying jersey numbers. Thankfully most of the controls are the same as NBA 2k5, although I HATE the way you shoot free throws in this game. In addition, I don’t think you can change the screen angle, which is odd. However, for some reason I’m having more fun playing the NCAA game than its NBA counterpart. Since I talked about my first two purchases, I might as well give my opinion on NCAA ’05 Football: it’s Madden-lite, which isn’t a negative criticism. The only thing I don’t like with this game are the numbers replacing player names. I’m not complaining though because there are worse things out there, like having to listen to Stuart Scott during loading screens.

My sister-in-law and company (not the crackwhore, but rather the one married to the better half's brother) have moved three times within the past 10 years or so -- to houses all on the same street.

Florida isn't a football state? (Although I've heard the Jags may get moved somewhere down the line.) How quickly we forget the Birmingham Bolts.

Your kid's now 4? How time flies. It seems like only three years ago she was just a year old. And you are putting together a Mac for her? She'll be dating hippies for sure now.

A while back I was talking about Lottery People and mentioned some of my fun exploits with this breed of customer. In one entry I mentioned how my Quickie-Mart’s management had two sets of rules: one set were rules that were flexible and another set that were rigid. The flexible rules were ones that our district managers would tell us we had to perform, but everyone never did, including our store manager. One such rule was not being allowed to accept anything bill denomination higher than $20. Sometimes when our manager who was one rank above our store manager was on the rag she’d bitch about us having too many $100 bills in our safe, but otherwise we would always accommodate our customers who would pay with a $50 or $100 bill. Did I say “we”? I meant “everyone but me.” Below are my top three customer experiences with people wanting to pay for $10 worth of gas with a $100 bill, or something close to that nature. 3) I had this guy with some bratty kids come up to my register, and when he opened his wallet he handed me a $100 bill for $20 or so worth of gas. After telling him I couldn’t accept his currency due to store policy he said that he had no other way to pay for his order. I was calling bullshit on this one for two reasons. Reason A: When he opened his wallet I saw several credit cards. Reason B: When he opened his wallet, I noted a number of dollar bills in his wallet that were of acceptable denomination. Now we were told that if a customer couldn’t pay for his or her fuel, we were to take their driver’s license until they returned with payment. Naturally, I told him that if he was unable to pay for his order that I would need his license. He said, “You can look at it, but you’re not going to take it from me.” I responded with something like, “Well if you drive off this lot I am going to call the police and report a gray Buick with the plate numbers *I called them out while writing them down on a slip of paper* just drove off without paying." Surprise. He pulled out a $20 bill and paid for his purchase. 2) This guy came in to pay with a $50 bill and I said that I wasn’t allowed to accept anything over a $20. I then got one of my favorite customer lines. “Well where’s a sign that says this, huh?” I love it when a customer pulls this, because then I get to point out all the signs they missed on their way to the register. I pointed to the two signs at my counter, the two at my co-workers counter, the half-dozen or so that were posted throughout the store, the several that were posted by the entranceway, and the signs posted on EVERY ONE OF MY STORE’S EIGHT PUMPS. The customer wasn’t amused, but I sure as hell was. 1) Some guy tried to pay for his fuel with a $100 bill, which I told him I wasn’t allowed to accept. After he threw a fit for several minutes about how I had to accept this because it was “legal U.S. tender,” I told him that he could go the other cashier standing next to me because she’d probably accept your payment. I, on the other had, wouldn’t because that’s not our store policy and that I had been reprimanded before for accepting a $50 bill. (OK, so this was a lie. Big deal.) Instead of going to the other cashier, who had a deer in headlights look because I had dragged her into this mess, this guy threw a fit for a little while longer and asked for our company’s customer service number. I said it’s posted right outside the entrance door. He then went outside and pulled out his cell phone to call our 1-800 number and complain about me. One problem. He called the local phone number posted out by the door instead of calling the 1-800 number. I picked up our ringing phone and got to hear this guy say how he has been a loyal customer of our company for years and spends A LOT of money with us. He then said that a cashier at one of our stores was refusing him service because he wanted to pay with a $100 bill. You would think this guy would realize that he was talking to the cashier he interacted with just a few minutes ago, but he didn’t (I’m surprised he didn’t pick up on the background noise, like, say, ringing registers and all those other Quickie-Mart noises). I said the cashier was in the right and that they aren’t allowed to accept any bills higher than a $20 because it was a safety issue and that our store’s insurance carrier demands this policy be adhered to. I then added some bullshit about how there are these “mystery shoppers” who try to pay with $50 or $100 bills just to see if the cashier would accept the payment, and that if the cashier would accept these bills they would be fired. He bitched about something or other, hung up, went back into the store and paid for his purchase with a $20. With these tales you may wonder why I would be such an asshole to customers? Well, 1) I am an asshole. 2) You need to entertain yourself somehow during an eight-hour shift.

Why? It's not like either group works.

Once? As a kid I always took a few dollars out of the Jr. collection plate during Sunday School service and would walk to the local Quickie-Mart before the "grown up" service started to buy candy and pop. Looking back, getting overloaded on sugar maybe wasn't the smartest idea when I would have to sit down for an hour or so; and when it was a communion week -- yeesh.

Huh? Northwest PA is Erie. Northeast is .... shit, I don't know. Scranton and Wilkes-Barre, I guess.

None of your business. Perv.

KKK’s Top 103 Posters Number 59: Fazzle A three-year kkk Bowl vet with the Carolina Panthers, plus I remember seeing a picture of him surrounded by some cute chicks that were around his age. Good work. He’s also the second poster in a row on this list who has talked about paying for sex. Weird. And now a word from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed. From EricMM: • Something I had believed all my life has just been taken away from me. No, it's not blacks having the same voting rights as me (that news hit hard a few elections ago). It's Pluto no longer being classified as a planet. And to think there are actual people out there who debate this kind of shit. • The hell? Normally it’s the dogs that are in front of their owners running in every which way. • New York Slimes, please please please transfer Paul Krugman to Beijing. If some researcher can get three years in jail for “fraud,” Krugman will get at least 25 to life with his next economics-based column. • While I’m on the Journalists-in-trouble kick, I don’t know why terrorists thought they could get anywhere by capturing cable television reporter Steve Centanni. What, did they think they now have a direct line to the White House? OMG FAUX NEWS LOL2006. Wait a second. There are people who seriously think this. Oops. • So Forbes Magazine declares Milwaukee to the America’s drunkest city. I guess those people really do like to have some wine with that cheese. • If you had any questions regarding my recent rant about lottery people, this should put those doubts to rest. Why bother to bold-face all the funny parts of this story?

The time I went in there these two guys were asking about some bondage stuff (or was it about a strap-on?). Not that there's anything wrong with that, just so long as I'm not a participant.

This year's league is set. Good luck to everyone, except nl-asshole, of course. I hope he tears his ACL and trades a first-round pick away for Marshall Faulk.

Do you ever read any of my fucking posts? On second thought, I don't want to know the answer.

Basically, Max has a problem peeing due to a blockage condition and this special-order cat food makes his pee more acidic, which dissolves grit that would otherwise create blockage. This problem first surfaced back in May-June. This happens to some male cats, including the in-law's.

Well if you refuse to admit the Mexicans they'll sue.

So what would you be doing -- showing people where the K-Y is?

KKK’s Top 103 Posters Number 60: Prime Time Andrew Doyle I’ve known Mr. Doyle through the years via my NFL pick ‘em contest, and he seems like an OK enough bloke. He’s from Down Under, and I’ve always liked Australians. He’s also been tempted to seek the services of a hooker right after his classes finish early, but he’s too cheap to pay the $140 for a half-hour of service. Money Over Bitches. My kind of guy. • Yet another difference between men and women. A conversation the better half and I had a few days ago. • There are certain professions that once you find a good person at his or her craft, you latch onto them for dear life. Some examples include those in the car repair and medical field. I’d also include veterinarians in this category, too. When our one kitty got sick a few years ago our vet at the time did nothing but say, “Well he probably has cancer,” and that was it. Infuriated with the lack of service we received, the better half went to another veterinarian that was nearby. Even though there was really nothing that could be done with our cat (he died a few months later after putting up one hell of a fight against medical conditions that couldn’t be cured, and it wasn’t cancer), we were, and will be, forever grateful for the care he received. As much as I like this vet, her receptionist/customer service representative staff could use an overhaul. They’re not rude or anything like that, but God are they stupid. Our one cat Max needs a special brand of food that is not available with the brands offered to the public. Last Tuesday I placed an order for a bag of dry food, since his supply was running low. We were told that they would call us when the order arrived. Well, yesterday (one week later) I called to inquire about the status of our order, and I was told that it had been at the office for several days. I don’t think Max minded though, considering we were feeding him soft food for the previous few days when his kibble ran out, much to the chagrin of his brother and sister. It’s bad enough we have to feed Max in a separate room of the house because the other two cats always want to eat his specialized cat food, but when he’s getting specialized SOFT food it’s like a revolt is taking place in our house. Oh, and back to the staff at this vet clinic. I had to wait 10 minutes for them to ring up my order of two bags of specialized formula and one bag of another brand of dry cat food. These people couldn’t figure out how to ring up the price. And, yes, I do keep track of how long I’m waiting to pay for a bill at this place. I don’t get mad by having to wait; it’s just something to do to pass the time away. Another observation about this place: just about every cat that is brought in for examination is quiet and well behaved. When one of my three are in their carrier, which is big enough for a medium-sized dog, they never shut up on the way there, during the examination, and on the way home. • And now time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this): Some lady says that her husband was told by a friend of his to put a note in the back pocket of his jeans that were going to be washed. That way the wife will pull it out while searching through the pockets before they went into the washing machine and read it. Well this stupid idea actually worked, and the guy wrote that he didn’t know if this marriage would last. The reason? Due to the wife’s lack of sexual desire.