Red Hot Thumbtack In The Eye Posted April 13, 2004 Report Posted April 13, 2004 Saw this on another forum and thought it would be briefly entertaining here. This is a column called I, anonymous. It is published in The Stranger and it is basically anonymous venting. For example: HEIGHT BIGOTS DIE ALONE What's with women's fucking obsession with TALL men??? Just check out any personals section and see how many say they're looking for a tall guy! Why should I constantly be rejected because I don't have the height that you desire? Does my average height make me any less of a person? Hell, no! But you'd probably rather have some tall, badass ratbag who steals from you and cheats on you instead of a normal-sized, decent guy like myself. I guess being cute and smart and witty doesn't mean shit if you aren't at least six feet tall! And guess what? Because all you shallow gals are never going to find a man who lives up to your unrealistic expectations, you'll end up DYING ALONE! Unfortunately so will I, because you won't ever deem me a worthy romantic prospect based upon that one unimportant characteristic that I have no control over. --Anonymous Ok, so you know the format. Now, you're job is to vent your TSM hatreds and write your own I, Anonymous column. Don't be too obvious about this, we want a little mystery. Since it's anonymous, go as hard as you can without making it painfully clear who you are talking about. I figure the best idea would be to use something that hasn't been posted about, but has been on your mind for a while. Please don't turn this thread into a tit slapping fight.
kkktookmybabyaway Posted April 13, 2004 Report Posted April 13, 2004 What's with women's fucking obsession with BIG dicks??? Just check out any personals section and see how many say they're looking for a well-endowed guy! Why should I constantly be rejected because I don't have the girth that you desire? Does my average size make me any less of a person? Hell, no! But you'd probably rather have some tall, badass ratbag who steals from you and cheats on you instead of a normal-sized, decent guy like myself. I guess being cute and smart and witty doesn't mean shit if you aren't at least 10 inches long! And guess what? Because all you shallow gals are never going to find a man who lives up to your unrealistic expectations, you'll end up DYING ALONE! Unfortunately so will I, because you won't ever deem me a worthy romantic prospect based upon that one unimportant characteristic that I have no control over...
Guest Vitamin X Posted April 13, 2004 Report Posted April 13, 2004 That guy with the height problem needs to get over himself. I'm not that tall either, but I can still get my share and that's regardless of the fact that I can be a bonafide prick sometimes. Why do people care so much about dying alone or with someone? YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD ANYWAYS.
Nighthawk Posted April 13, 2004 Report Posted April 13, 2004 If you're going to die, it's probably better to be alone. More considerate.
1234-5678 Posted April 13, 2004 Report Posted April 13, 2004 Have I mentioned I am 6"2 and get a bunch of hot ass........coincidence? I think not........ That guy needs to go work under a bridge somewheres and scare small children.
Zack Malibu Posted April 13, 2004 Report Posted April 13, 2004 Why is it that every time I turn on the radio, I hear the same five songs, fifteen times a day, for three months? Man, FUNK DAT~!
k thx Posted April 13, 2004 Report Posted April 13, 2004 I'm worried about dying alone. If I'm going, I'm taking at least five other fuckers with me. That'll learn 'em.
Ripper Posted April 13, 2004 Report Posted April 13, 2004 Why is it that every time I turn on the radio, I hear the same five songs, fifteen times a day, for three months? Man, FUNK DAT~! *marks for funk dat*
Guest Dids Posted April 13, 2004 Report Posted April 13, 2004 The answer is Clear Chanel, next question. I'm short- but that ain't what's stopping me from getting some. It those women's obsession with men that are "in shape" and "attractive". Bitches.
1234-5678 Posted April 13, 2004 Report Posted April 13, 2004 I'm not in shape. Not much muscle tone and a rapidly expanding beer belly.
Guest Dids Posted April 13, 2004 Report Posted April 13, 2004 There's "not in shape" and then there's "100 pounds overweight". Save the extra weight I'm not actually bad looking- but given that's kinda like saying "save the lack of legs, I'm really fast".
Nighthawk Posted April 13, 2004 Report Posted April 13, 2004 I'm sure you can play the weight to your advantage. Turning a negative into a positive is what sex is all about. Fat rappers do it all the time. Yes, they're also rich, but the attitude carries over.
Guest Dids Posted April 13, 2004 Report Posted April 13, 2004 Oh- I totally agree. It's all about attitude and confidence- and very little about what you look like. That said- I don't have a ton of self confidence (probably because I keep making self-deprecating comments about my weight and what not). I enjoy beating up on myself way too much...
Guest FrigidSoul Posted April 13, 2004 Report Posted April 13, 2004 Does this mean we're all going to help Dids become the white version of Biggie Smalls?
Nighthawk Posted April 13, 2004 Report Posted April 13, 2004 Here's a good fat rap to bust out should the situation arise: Hey yo, fat people are hard to kidnap So if you're fat and you're all in this bitch, then grab your nutsack Chubby love, show a ninja some Cause this fat motherfucker stay ready however they come A hungry rapper, cannibal lyricist I got chunks of MCs like you inside my shit Standing poolside with a t-shirt on Unless I'm showering or fucking, my clothes stay on I got double cheeseburgers chasing me in my sleep And fine hos checking me out but scared to speak Off the chain, off the scale, I ain't watching no weight I'm at the barbecue high as hell fixing my plate XX to the X-L, hit me 3 times Come correct with my burger and fries, they king sized
Guest FrigidSoul Posted April 13, 2004 Report Posted April 13, 2004 That is the greatest single rap ever Dids' rapper name can be "Biggie Sized"
Guest Dids Posted April 13, 2004 Report Posted April 13, 2004 I've always been kinda partial to well... "Dids". of my other nickname "The Shuffle". I don't rap. I've been a hip-hop fan since forever, and I've tried several times and finally realized that it's just not a skill that I have. I can write OK, but no flow whatsoever.
Guest FrigidSoul Posted April 13, 2004 Report Posted April 13, 2004 Pounding a beer while I'm stuffing my face 206 aint a zip bitch, its the size of my waist Like a whale with blubber I never get cold Chunky and pimping though I can't see my toes Motherfuckers be trippin' calling me out Your guns aint shit when my hunger's about Suck you in like Kirby on my N64 Put your bitch on her knees, get her begging for more Cause I know she wants my shit, I can see it in her eyes Dick in her mouth while mine is chewing on fries Awwwww ya, Biggie Size all up in dis motha' fucker!
razazteca Posted April 13, 2004 Report Posted April 13, 2004 Have I mentioned I am 6"2 and get a bunch of hot ass........coincidence? I think not........ That guy needs to go work under a bridge somewheres and scare small children. Or work at the GAP.
Guest FrigidSoul Posted April 13, 2004 Report Posted April 13, 2004 If Kotz is willing to donate his keen eye for cool hats and shit we're going to make Dids famous. From there Dids will be up to his eyes in pussy and we'll be raking in the cash.
Ripper Posted April 13, 2004 Report Posted April 13, 2004 I'm a sexy bitch so I don't have this problem...short or not. *goes into apartment alone and cries*
Nighthawk Posted April 13, 2004 Report Posted April 13, 2004 Ok, I have one more ph/fat rhyme and I'm done. Yeah Get ready Biggie Size in the house an it’s about to get sweaty I tear into a mic or a burger without pause Cause the only thing as tight as my skills is my draws Got my brontosaurus ribs, hos call me Fred Flintstone Cause after 5 minutes we’ll both be suckin on a bone I raise the roof if only I can fit through the door You can tell I’m coming cause I shake the floor Jurassic Park in this bitch, making temors in your juice My phat rhymes and my pants is about to bust loose Before you take a sip, I finished three kegs An I got a Pringles can dangling between my legs I got bitches lined up looking to get some play I fuck em five at a time, and then I hit the buffet Peace
justsoyouknow Posted April 13, 2004 Report Posted April 13, 2004 P. Didsy. Since neither Dids nor P. Diddy can rap, let's combine the two of them to highlight their best qualities. Dids will bring his fat pimpology onstage, where he will nod his head in rythym to the musc while interjecting various "Yeah"s, "Uh huh"s, and "You feelin' me?"s. I'd buy that CD.
Ripper Posted April 13, 2004 Report Posted April 13, 2004 P. Didsy. Since neither Dids nor P. Diddy can rap, let's combine the two of them to highlight their best qualities. Dids will bring his fat pimpology onstage, where he will nod his head in rythym to the musc while interjecting various "Yeah"s, "Uh huh"s, and "You feelin' me?"s. I'd buy that CD. Then tell women he is going swimming with Chris Tucker and Aquaman while eating a sugar cookie and shutting down the studio. Then and only then will the transformation be complete. Ripper - Giving Posters better personas since 2002
justsoyouknow Posted April 13, 2004 Report Posted April 13, 2004 What? Now you're taking credit for my P. Didsy idea? You...you.... IDEA STEALER~!
Ripper Posted April 13, 2004 Report Posted April 13, 2004 What? Now you're taking credit for my P. Didsy idea? You...you.... IDEA STEALER~! Yeah...guess I am more like Puffy than you know. I just sampled your idea and added a "take that, take that" and a "Ripper, 0-4, COME ON~!" and called it my own. Ripper - Taking post from the 80's but makes them sound so crazy.
Guest Dids Posted April 13, 2004 Report Posted April 13, 2004 I was called B. Diddy (somebody gave me the nickname) before P. Diddy was P. Diddy- but when when the fucker bit my name I changed it to B. Dids, and then just Dids.
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