The Thread Where I Predict Your Future

[Spaceman Spiff 0]

Toxic shock brought on by excessive glow-stick use.

[Guest Vitamin X]

Hey Vitamin X, the joke's dead, or else I would have made it.

No, NOW it's dead.

[Zack Malibu 0]

Zack Malibu is going to die of kidney failure around age 76 after a life spanning 2 marriages. Only one kid interestingly enough, who'll look just like him and grow up searching for his own identity with a pop who's friends with all his friends' dads (and moms), and will forever be referred to as Zack's kid. Not as "Frankie" or whatever you decide to call him. Probably something ethnic, since his mother's going to be a fine ass cuban girl who's going to divorce the shit out of you because she's a bitch. The second wife's going to be less spicy, and named Karen. You'll be old and corny, and get laughs out of the same shitty jokes to the same people over and over again. More and more you'll find yourself stuck giving a toast.

The sheer fact that you've touched upon certain elements in your prediction make me believe you could very well be on the mark with parts of this. Oh, and my kid'll be named Zack, not Frankie. I'm Italian, but not that Italian.

[The Mandarin 0]

I'm really concerned about this. This is my future we're talking about here.

 

Give me a number and a cause. That's all I ask.

28, from exposure after falling through ice.

You're crazy. There's no ice in Canada.

[snuffbox 0]

A girl told me she dreamed I would die young of a cocaine overdose...oddness.

[Hank Kingsley 0]

 

For the sake of my friend Luther, I request you hit me with this valuable information.

[1234-5678 0]

Zuh?

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Bring it on.

Mr. Rant's daugher is going to follow hippy tours for her entire life while he sits at home with the increasingly nagging and spoiled wife, and the second accidental child just hitting puberty (she wants to be a lawyer). Through lots of tv and hard liquor, he'll make it through this, until he's about 54 years old, when he passes out drunk listening to his car stereo in the garage with the car running, dying of asphyxiation painlessly and mercifully.

But I'm not married...

 

You have failed in your predictions.

Quoth Yoda: "You will be. You will be."

[MrRant 0]

Yeah but you implied it would be with the babies mother.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Kotzenjunge is a young Woody Allen on meth. Always going on about something, and moving his hands crazily, he is "go go go" even if he's lazier than hell about certain things, which his family calls him out on quite a bit. Physically speaking, he is totally normal, with a hairy belly which will just get rounder and hairier with age, though he'll do his best to hide it.

 

He'll meet a firecracker of a girl who will want to fight constantly, and get very frustrated when Spoon goes off topic. He'd make a great addict if he could pursue any one thing for a length of time.

 

As age strikes him, he'll slow down a bit and become more jaded. He'll have a kid with the firecracker girl, a daughter who won't like him, or her mother, or her middle name. Patrick will split from his wife over irreconcilable differences, but it won't kill his spirit. He'll do the job thing for a while, and some weeks before his 40th birthday, the midlife crisis will hit him like a ton of bricks when he falls madly in love with a Mediterranean 22 year old student of his. They'll wander off to Europe after a creepy courtship that both families will disapprove of, and they'll dance on the beach with their redheaded son who will turn out to be a marvelous tenor.

 

I stand corrected, although this doesn't include my demise.

Autoerotic asphyxiation snafu. Age 81.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Yeah but you implied it would be with the babies mother.

Yep, that's her. A lot can change between now and the future, Rant. You can shake your head and say no repeatedly while rocking back and forth all you want, but you can't fuck with fate.

[MrRant 0]

If that happens then fate can fuck me in the ass just a bit harder.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Spaceman Spiff's going to have one of those normal lives, ending up most of his career days as the supervisor in a recycling plant. There'll be a wife I'll call Dana, who he will meet at age 25 and marry at 29. They'll have their 50th anniversary with Spiff more or less propped up in his chair, as he will spend his final breath in bed three weeks later.

 

You will live in a yellow house with four kids and a collie named Buddy (youngest boy got to name it.)

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Hmmm ... I'm like 7th in line, but my curiosity is just too strong.

 

Please tell me my future, oh wise one.

You will spend a lot of your life waiting in lines. Like, more than other people for some reason. It'll just be bad timing, maybe a family curse, something..but you'll get stuck at red lights, have the computer crash or the register door get stuck..SOMETHING will inconvenience you like that every day for the rest of your more or less mundane life streaked with infidelity and substance abuse. 3 kids within five years of each other by 2 different women. You'll die of complications stemming from skin cancer at 69.

[Guest Shutterspeed]

Czech thinks you can do it, Agent. Go on.

[Nevermortal 0]

I was hoping that I was going to get beaten to death at a Dillinger Escape Plan show.

[Spaceman Spiff 0]

Spaceman Spiff's going to have one of those normal lives, ending up most of his career days as the supervisor in a recycling plant. There'll be a wife I'll call Dana, who he will meet at age 25 and marry at 29. They'll have their 50th anniversary with Spiff more or less propped up in his chair, as he will spend his final breath in bed three weeks later.

 

You will live in a yellow house with four kids and a collie named Buddy (youngest boy got to name it.)

Apparently, there will be some sort of time-travel involved here, as I'm already passed the age of 25, and have yet to meet a girl named Dana. Hmm, I'm beginning to think you're just making stuff up...

[nl5xsk1 0]

Hmmm ... I'm like 7th in line, but my curiosity is just too strong. 

 

Please tell me my future, oh wise one.

You will spend a lot of your life waiting in lines. Like, more than other people for some reason. It'll just be bad timing, maybe a family curse, something..but you'll get stuck at red lights, have the computer crash or the register door get stuck..SOMETHING will inconvenience you like that every day for the rest of your more or less mundane life streaked with infidelity and substance abuse. 3 kids within five years of each other by 2 different women. You'll die of complications stemming from skin cancer at 69.

Methinks it's the fact that I bitch & moan about having to wait for your analyses and predictions is the reason that you forsee my life filled with lines. And as long as the infidelity & substance abuse are mine, and not my wife's (wives'?) it's Ok by me.

 

And, truth be told, if I live to see my late 60s, I'll consider it a miracle.

 

Many thanks, oh wise one.

[Guest Shutterspeed]

I was hoping that I was going to get beaten to death at a Dillinger Escape Plan show.

Excellent.

[Vanhalen 0]

I fancy a pop at this, predict away

[Art Sandusky 0]

The rest of my life sounds like a Vonnegut work, might as well have me die like a person in Galapagos also.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Spaceman Spiff's going to have one of those normal lives, ending up most of his career days as the supervisor in a recycling plant. There'll be a wife I'll call Dana, who he will meet at age 25 and marry at 29. They'll have their 50th anniversary with Spiff more or less propped up in his chair, as he will spend his final breath in bed three weeks later.

 

You will live in a yellow house with four kids and a collie named Buddy (youngest boy got to name it.)

Apparently, there will be some sort of time-travel involved here, as I'm already passed the age of 25, and have yet to meet a girl named Dana. Hmm, I'm beginning to think you're just making stuff up...

Crossed lines, that was Nanks.

 

You're actually going to die when I mail you anthrax, and you know I can ;)

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

The rest of my life sounds like a Vonnegut work, might as well have me die like a person in Galapagos also.

I've never read any Kurt Vonnegut, so it's dangling from a hook in a doorway with a belt around your neck and a fistful of death erection.

[Art Sandusky 0]

The rest of my life sounds like a Vonnegut work, might as well have me die like a person in Galapagos also.

I've never read any Kurt Vonnegut, so it's dangling from a hook in a doorway with a belt around your neck and a fistful of death erection.

Nevermind, that's not how the dude died in Galapagos.

[1234-5678 0]

The rest of my life sounds like a Vonnegut work, might as well have me die like a person in Galapagos also.

I've never read any Kurt Vonnegut, so it's dangling from a hook in a doorway with a belt around your neck and a fistful of death erection.

I just borrowed a book of his interviews from a friend. Pretty interesting stuff so far.

 

Anyways, I once had two consecutive psychics tell me I would die at 26. Does Agent agree?

[Guest Shutterspeed]

I'm still waiting, too.

[Guest Nanks]

Wait, so am I dying young after getting a snakebite hiking with a girl and another couple (a highly unlikely scenario, I fucking hate camping) or am I going to marry Dana and have a non-descript job before dying in my late 70s??

 

Don't confuse me, I have a life to plan.

[Guest Fire and Knives]

I also continue to wait. This customer service is poor.

 

K.

[... 0]

It appears... I-- I have no future.

[Nighthawk 0]

This customer service is poor.

Like your family. Haw haw haw.