20 Ways To Mess With Telemarketers

[Lil' Bitch 0]

Compiled by Amy C. Fleitas

Bankrate.com

 

 

Telemarketers are the ones we love to hate. Not only are their calls unsolicited and annoying, but they seem to come just as you are sitting down to eat or hopping into the shower.

 

What do you do? Hang up on the caller or politely decline to listen? Get mad?

 

Some people have made an art of playing with the telemarketers and getting a few chuckles along the way. We asked you to send in your clever responses to telemarketers' calls. Here are the best of the pranks.

 

Speak to the little lady of the house

We have a 5-year-old daughter who loves to talk. If I answer the phone and discover a telemarketer on the other end, I just quietly hand the phone to our daughter ... and let the fun begin!

 

Give them the man of the house

When they ask for the man of the house, I ask them to hold; then I put my 2-year-old son on the phone.

 

Have I got a deal for you

Interrupt the telemarketer's sales pitch and ask them if they would like to buy something from you (could be anything that you're selling). That will usually get them to end the call.

 

I do

Ask the telemarketer to marry you. Seriously, this will probably shock them and they won't know what to say.

 

You have reached my voicemail

Say: "Hello." (Wait on them to start talking.) "I'm sorry we can't come to the phone right now. Please leave a message. Beep."

 

Funny you called

"You know, I was just thinking about (doing, buying) just that very same thing. So, I said to myself, 'Self, why don't you just (do, buy) it and get over it.' To my amazement, self replied with a

loud, 'GO FOR IT!'" (Keep talking to take control of the conversation, never letting the telemarketer speak so he or she can't actually try to sell you anything.) "Well, me and myself will discuss it more and we'll get back to you."

 

From a country song

"I'd love to, but my wife just left me, she cut the tires on my truck, I had to bury my dog, and I only have half a Bud Light bottle left. I'm not worried about the rest, but if you start selling

beer, give me a call."

 

Have you planned for the future?

When I see "out of area" on the caller ID, I answer the phone with the name of a made-up insurance company. Then I try to sell the person life insurance. I'll ask questions like, "What if something happened to you?" or "Are you sure your final needs can be met?" Usually, they end up hanging up on me.

 

Reply in gibberish

Answer the phone in a pretend foreign language.

 

She's not * here

I have told people that the person they were asking for was hideously mangled in a train wreck. If they ask for my wife, I sometimes say that she recently left me, then tell the caller she sounds cute and ask her out.

 

And you are?

I'd love to hear more about why you are calling me, but I'm in the middle of dinner right now. Why don't you give me your home number so I can call and irritate you in the middle of your meal?

 

Keep talking

Rather than find creative ways in which to hang up on telemarketers, I decided many years ago that I could provide a public service by keeping them on the phone for as long as possible. The longer they spend with me, the less time they have to call other people. Often, they'll hang up on me before I can hang up on them!

 

What did I win?

Sometimes I'll act as if the sales call is one to inform me that I've won a prize. I'll exclaim, "I've never won anything in my life!" Then I'll ask for details on when and how my prize will be

sent to me. And no matter how many times it's explained to me, I will never quite understand that I've won nothing and instead am being asked to buy something.

 

I'm already connected

If I'm being offered a loan or mortgage refinance, I'll ask if it can "fly under the radar," because I have a large loan at a very high interest rate from "family" who would become very upset if I

obtained loans elsewhere. I'll suggest that we meet somewhere discreet to discuss details.

 

Ever hear of women's lib?

My wife is especially perturbed when they ask for the "Man of the House." So she then starts talking in hushed tones and saying, "Oh, no sir. The Master isn't here. He keeps me locked down here in the basement when he goes out, so I can't check for him now."

 

Phone flirting

I am big on the phone flirting. Use your best Joey voice from "Friends": "How you doin?" or, "You sound really attractive. Do you call here often?"

 

How long do you have?

Say: "Sorry to interrupt you. I really want to talk to you, but can you hold on for a few minutes? I just need to finish up the call from the last telemarketer. He called me about an hour ago."

 

What's it worth?

"Now before I listen to your pitch, there are a few things we need to cover. My minimum rate for listening is $35 an hour. Of course, I can offer you upgrades that give you additional benefits, as well as a greater chance that I may buy what you are selling. The deluxe package is $55 per hour and offers a 2 percent chance of purchase, and the super-deluxe package is $75 per hour, and offers a 3 percent chance of purchase. Now before we get to that, I will need you to send in an application as well as a minimal application fee of $55. You will also need to include with your payment a $35 payment for a credit report. Once your credit has been approved, I will be able to accept your

non-refundable good-faith security deposit, which I require, of $100. After closing, and you have paid my standard closing costs of $250, we will then be able to proceed with your sales pitch. Can I sign you up?"

 

Call the cult

"Sorry I can't talk, I am about to cut off my tongue to achieve ultimate power."

 

It's good enough for Cuba

I always get them to scream, "Show me the money!" like in "Jerry Maguire."

[kkktookmybabyaway 0]

Or you can just hang up.

 

Speaking of which, I haven't got a telemarketer in a long time...

[BruiserKC 0]

For me...my wife has her own name still and most telemarketers are almost guaranteed to not get it right...so I can pretend she's not there.

 

As for me, I listen to the sales pitch and then tell them, "One problem...they always expect me to pay on time." Or, "How much will you pay me to sample this product, this way I can give an honest portrayal of your product."

[Guest TheDon]

I remember a thread like this years ago. I remember one poster said he likes to make pretend he is interested in the item if he has the time. He makes it looks like he is going to buy and right then and there he hangs up the phone.

[Guest Arnold_OldSchool]

I have started introducing myself as "MUHAMMED!"

 

"Hello... dis is MUHAMMED's house! I no speak english!"

[spiny norman 0]

I just say "No thanks, I'm not interested"?

[Star Ocean 3 0]

Leave 'em alone. They're just doing their job.

[Angle-plex 0]

I remember a thread like this years ago.  I remember one poster said he likes to make pretend he is interested in the item if he has the time.  He makes it looks like he is going to buy and right then and there he hangs up the phone.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

If you do this the caller will call back twice as frequently as they already do, hoping that the phone line was disconnected.

 

Saying "no thanks, please take me off your list" is the way to go, although the "I won a prize?" one could be pretty funny if you played it right.

[CanadianChick 0]

I just put on my best little girl voice and say my Mommy and Daddy aren't home right now.

[RavishingRickRudo 0]

Strange, that's what I do too.

[stahl 0]

Never do that, you WILL get a call back. I used to telemarket so I know all the tricks. The best method if you don't want them to bug you is to say "not interested" and then hang up. Doing so will prompt telemarketers to put you on the "no" list instead of the "call back" list.

[the max 0]

Most telemarketers don't seem to understand the difference between the two.

[The Amazing Rando 0]

My step-dad usually responds with "This is her" in the most manly voice he can when they ask for my mother. That stops 'em dead.

[nl5xsk1 0]

I actually worked as a telemarketer for a few months, about 2 years ago. One of the best jobs I've ever had: no stress, most of my coworkers were young hotties, and they paid me no matter how well or poorly I did (I obviously got more for generating leads, but I was getting more than enough as a base salary).

 

Pretty much anything that a customer tried to do to piss me off failed.

 

The stupid shit like 'can I call you at home?' is NOT a good comeback. It's easy enough to say "you can reach me at the following number", and then just provide your work extension. If they try to say, "well you're calling me at home, that's not fair", then you just ask if they'd prefer that you call them at work.

 

Giving the phone to a little kid is a RIOT, not a bother. I had no issues talking to a child for 10 minutes about how it's a great time to refinance their mortgage.

 

But the worst one is the one that the woman suggested ... keep talking for a long time?!? WTF. You're pissed that someone bothered you by calling, so you're going to waste MORE of your time by talking to them for a long time? Good plan, genius.

 

Best way to get rid of them: No thanks, and please add me to the no-call list. Most telemarketers legally have to abide by your request. Better to just do that than to 'piss them off'.

[Guest I miss Test.]

I just hang up right away when someone can't say my name properly. And if you don't know me, you don't say it properly.

 

There's no sense in getting mad, since the people working there are like niskie, and are just doing their job.

[kkktookmybabyaway 0]

You're a better man than me for working that job for a week (or would that be the other way around)?

 

I lasted seven hours as one of those survey people, and the only reason I took that shitty job in the first place was because they said there would be no cold-calling, which was a lie...

[The Czech Republic 0]

I remember a thread like this years ago.  I remember one poster said he likes to make pretend he is interested in the item if he has the time.  He makes it looks like he is going to buy and right then and there he hangs up the phone.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

But you've only been here for ten months, and we had a join-to-read policy years ago.

[Guest Vitamin X]

Leave 'em alone. They're just doing their job.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[Jericholic82 0]

I try to be nice and say no thanks, cuz I dont want to yell at people who are just doing their jobs. But often they wont shut up so thats when Ill either hang up or yell NO!!!! and hang up.

[Guest sillynigger]

God, I'd love to be a telemarketer. The people-fucking-with would be immense, despite it causing me to be fired in well under ten calls.

[Nightfall 0]

I just ask them if they can wait a minute while I go get a pen and paper, then I set the phone down and check to see if they're still there every once in a while. I hardly get personal calls on my house phone so I'm not bothered by having it tied up for a while doing this. Anyone that wants to talk to me calls my cell.