2009 TSM Poster Tournament: The Semifinals

[Guest Czech please!]

DANNY WILLIAMS CHAMPIONSHIP

#1 Dr. Venkman beats #3 Slayer, 27-21, to go to his second final four. His margin of victory through four rounds is 86!

 

SCOTT KEITH CHAMPIONSHIP

#1 Kinetic beats #3 Edwin, 32-16, adding up to a sizable 104!

 

STEPHEN POPICK CHAMPIONSHIP

#6 Agent upsets #1 KOAB, 29-19, he's been in the final four before too. He's at +78.

 

MIKE McKENZIE CHAMPIONSHIP

#3 Vitamin X beats #4 Treble, 34-13-1, because I didn't feel like resolving an error. It was KOAB's. Margin of victory is a Scroty-fueled 121, so he gets the 1 seed for this.

 

[King Kamala 0]

Firsties!

 

 

Dr. Venkman- Kinetic voted against me every round except for the first. That prick! Venkman is a good man and one of my best board buds. Kinetic's going to win anyways and I'll probably vote for him in the Finals but Venk deserves a pity vote as I expect him to be run over by the juggernaut known as Kinetic. Then again, I predicted Slayer would destroy Venkman. Maybe me saying Venkman will be destroyed will be his good luck charm?

 

Agent of Oblivion- A TSM Legend. VX is great but I'm voting for the dude that beat me.

[Brett Favre 0]

In the battle of food folder supremacy, I'm going to go with Vitamin X. I like my posters just like I like my cigars. Cuban.

 

And in another battle of poster supremacy, I'm going with Kinetic. Dr. Venkman is a swell guy, and I could see him winning, but this has been Kinetic's year. From pursing perfection to Chris Simms, this guy posted with a heavy heart.

[Black Lushus 0]

DocV

Agent

[Guest Czech please!]

This isn't easy at all.

 

In the 1 v. 4, I cast my vote for Gene Simmons Silverman, Agent of Oblivion. When it comes to food, they're both winners, so for me, this comes down to a battle of regional supremacy. Vitamin X is from Portland, a place that couldn't be softer and whiter if it were the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man in a Wes Anderson film. Agent is a battle-hardened Hoosier. Midwest beats Pacific Northwest any day. Plus we have the Bears, Frank Zappa, and a quiet intensity that can break into unmitigated rage at any moment, except I haven't gotten really angry about anything lately, which is good, because I'm kind of a wuss. Come to think of it, maybe we're not that similar at all. Ah well.

 

In the 2 v. 3, I vote Kinetic! I was cleaning out the text messages from my cell phone this afternoon, and saw where he had texted me back in like June or something. How nice of him to do that!

Kinetic's greatest achievement of the last year:

No shit. Word has it that he's been in for a second ACL replacement surgery b/c the first cadaver ACL was haunted.

What?

He got a cadaver ACL, meaning that it was taken from a dead person who donated his or her body to science. It turned out, however, that the ACL was haunted, which is a fairly common problem with this sort of procedure.

I know about cadavers and all that but I'm not completely grasping the notion of muscles/ligaments being HAUNTED?

The same thing happened to Boo! Weekley and Vernon Ghoulston, as I recall.

So you have to vote Kinetic. Venkman's a good guy.

[Big Ol' Smitty 0]

Agent-Really like both of these fine posters, but I voted against Special Agent in the last round and can't bear the thought of voting against such a board maven twice in a row.

 

Kinetic-C'mon.

[Guest]

Venkman

VX

[Molotov The Bear 0]

Kinetic

Agent

[PILLS! PILLS! PILLS! 0]

VX Had a banner year.

 

Kinetic Had a banner year.

[At Home 0]

VX, Kinetic.

[Guest Czech please!]

declassified: the list of posters from last Monday. I sorted it based on nominations, self-nominations, tenure, recommendations, and voodoo.

 

Dr. Venkman 17 1 A 1

Kinetic 12 2 B 1

KOAB 12 3 C 1

Sensei John Kreese 10 4 D 1

King Kamala 9 5 C 2

Byron the Bulb 8 6 A 2

Mellow 8 7 B 2

Milky 7 8 D 2

Slayer 7 9 A 3

Vitamin X 7 10 D 3

Al Keiper 6 11 C 3

Edwin MacPhisto 6 12 B 3

Matt Young 6 13 B 4

Incandenza 5 14 A 4

Bob Barron 5 15 C 4

Treble 5 16 D 4

Mattdotcom 5 17 C 5

EHME 5 18 A 5

Black Lushus 5 19 D 5

Canadian Chris 5 20 B 5

Fazzle 5 21 B 6

Lord of the Curry 5 22 D 6

Ortonsault 5 23 A 6

Agent of Oblivion 4 24 C 6

Cheech 4 25 A 7

pbone 4 26 C 7

Bored 4 27 B 7

King of the 909 4 28 D 7

Broward83 4 29 B 8

The Franchise 4 30 C 8

Dandy 4 31 A 8

CanadianGuitarist 4 32 D 8

Snuffbox 3 33 B 9

Bigolsmitty 3 34 A 9

Cyber Mark 3 35 D 9

Smartly Pretty 3 36 C 9

Brooklyn Zoo 3 37 A 10

Damaramu 3 38 C 10

gary floyd 3 39 D 10

Obi Chris Kenobi 3 40 B 10

Thoth 3 41 A 11

Andrew TS 3 42 B 11

godthedog 2 43 D 11

alfdogg 2 44 C 11

Marney 2 45 A 12

Massito 2 46 D 12

Burning P.S.S. 2 47 B 12

The Max 2 48 C 12

Spaceman Spiff 2 49 B 13

Smues 2 50 C 13

KingPK 2 51 D 13

Harley Quinn 2 52 A 13

JAxl Morrison 2 53 B 14

Scroty 2 54 D 14

Luke-o 2 55 C 14

Bruiser Brody 2 56 A 14

Cowboy #s 2 57 C 15

Use Your Illusion 2 58 B 15

Urban Warfare 2 59 A 15

Hawk 34 2 60 D 15

still fly 2 61 C 16

Twisted Intestine 2 62 B 16

Angle-Plex 1 63 A 16

Kotzenjunge 1 64 D 16

 

[Maztinho 0]

Agent of Oblivion; Agent's a fucking warrior. Like I'm sure he's wearing the skin of some animal he killed with his bare hands and then skinned with his teeth. Vitamin X is an awesome poster, and that's why he's here, but Agent... I dunno. He's fucking Agent.

 

 

Kinetic; Czech's right, the phantom ACL he pulled on Porter was one of the highlights of the year. Like, it was so funny, I was laughing about it at work, and had to explain the thing to a coworker who asked what was so funny. Then I got a strange look. Needless to say, Venk didn't do that. Although I'm sure he will at some point.

[JaMarcus Russell's #1 Caucasian Fan 0]

Venkman- I only really lurk in the wrasslin' folders but Venk holds it down.

VX- a true renaissance man.

 

 

[Spaceman Spiff 0]

Agent

Venkman.

 

Sorry, Kinetic

[jwest27 0]

Kinetic

 

Agent

[Psycho Penguin 0]

Tough matchups. I'll go with Vitamin X (sports folder) and Venkman (kicks ass on the wrestling folders)

[Cuban Linx 0]

Kinetic

 

Vitamin X

[Kinetic 0]

Sorry, Kinetic

 

It's quite all right. You're still my boy, Spiff.

 

I'm going to go with myself vs. Venkman, although I wouldn't be at all upset if he won. This was absolutely my most challenging year of boarding, and there were certainly times when it felt like an obligation. My life was crumbling around me, but I still managed to put in a solid 4-6 hours a day. The girlfriend's birthday? "Sorry, babe. I gotta finish this bob_barron video." Important job interview? "I've almost got the chorus to 'Gas Station,' I can't stop now." Last conversation with a dying grandparent? "Sorry, Grandma. I got Patrick Spoon on the other line." I don't have a lot of money. What I do have is a very specific set of skills that will make life extremely difficult for someone like you. If you let my daughter go, that will be the end of it. I will not search for you. But if you do not, I will find you. And I will kill you.

 

I'll take Agent in the other matchup. Both of these guys are great. It's like choosing between testicles.

[Twisted Intestine 0]

Agent

 

Venkman

[Xavier Cromartie 0]

This time, I'll make picks by divination.

 

Cartomancy, 36-card deck (master method) is my first method of choice.

 

For Vitamin X:

 

"The project in hand" is a club, therefore, "kind and trusty friends will help forward the project."

"Success" is a diamond, therefore, "the success will be but incomplete."

"Chance" is a club, therefore, "moderately good luck, especially due to the kindly offices of friends."

 

For Agent of Oblivion:

 

"The project in hand" is a diamond, therefore, "there are serious business complications in the way of the project's accomplishment."

"Success" is a diamond, therefore, "the success will be but incomplete."

"Chance" is a heart, therefore, "good luck will attend the hopes and plans of the inquirer."

 

What I'm getting from these results is that Vitamin X wins this round but ultimately loses the championship.

 

Vitamin X d. Agent of Oblivion

 

For the second matchup, I'll use bibliomancy. My sacred book of choice is Dreams from My Father by Barack Hussein Obama II.

 

For Dr. Venkman:

 

"A county jail bursting with children, their hands clasped together, singing freedom songs."

 

For Kinetic:

 

"Independent judgment—just because the other children tease the poor boy about his haircut doesn't mean you have to do it too."

 

Yes, very appropriate for both. It appears that Dr. Venkman will defeat Vitamin X in the finale.

 

Dr. Venkman d. Kinetic

[DrVenkman PhD 0]

Me: This vote - unless, as my history of counting votes at 5 am has shown is possible, I counted wrong - makes it 10-9 in favour of Kinetic. Already this is a moral victory for me. Being the #1 seed overall is a moral victory. Beating TSM Legends like Inc and Slayer (avenged!) were moral victories. Making it to the Final Four for a 2nd time after falling short last year is a moral victory. Bitters McBitterson showing his true colours sucked, but it's all fair in the Poster Tournament and that won't get me down. So yeah, this was a good tournament for me... but it's not time to write myself off yet. I can still rally the undecided voters, the common folk who seem to be unaware of this tournament - the little people that make TSM more than just a core group of folk bantering wits with each other in a corner.

 

Vitamin X: I still suspect that this is his tournament to win, not Kinetic's. He's a good guy and has always had my support (as a columnist, as a poster, as a folder mod, as a tournament contender, etc.). Another good showing by VX! I believe this round is also 10-9 in favour of Agent right now, so let's see if we can pull out the comeback wins!

[Burning Pirate Ship Sex 0]

VX

Kinetic

[CanadianChris 0]

VX

Venkman

 

Really, they're all winners, though. Well, except for the two who don't win. And whoever doesn't win the final, I guess. Still, all winners.

[Jebus 0]

VX

Venkman

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Myself and Kinetic. Now there's a fight. I'm the seasoned warrior here. Had a tough road to get here! Last year, I'm the only one that really gave Milky a fight.

 

And for all of you food folderians voting for VX, keep in mind this is the man wanting to cut a food's acidity with lemon juice, and ALSO the man who said this atrocity:

 

Onions are only good with jalapenos. Unless they're grilled. And those only go well on beef.

 

in this thread: http://forums.thesmartmarks.com/index.php?showtopic=81848

 

O F'N RLY, there, Emeril Castro?

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

 

Vote Agent

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

 

Vote Agent

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

 

Vote Agent

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

 

Definitely Vote Agent

[Edwin MacPhisto 0]

I don't have a lot of money. What I do have is a very specific set of skills that will make life extremely difficult for someone like you. If you let my daughter go, that will be the end of it. I will not search for you. But if you do not, I will find you. And I will kill you.

Boarding hard to the last. Kinetic, I choose you!

 

And Agent. Finally, the battle of tight-pantsed, hipster-skinny rebels with come-hither stares for which we've all been waiting.