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It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it.

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How To Vibrate
 

Thought's on Cryptopsy's new album "The King Beneath"

What? Seriously, what the fuck? To say this sucks is an understatement. This is an abortion. In the pantheon of bad Metal albums, it's up there with Metallica's St. Anger, Slayer's Diablos in Musica, Pantera's pre Cowboys From Hell material, and Celtic Frosts Cold Lake. Seriously, fuck this shit. Worst album of the year.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

The End of Deon Dark

Deon's regime as a poster: July 3rd, 2003-September 21st, 2008   That's five years too long.   Yep, Deon's been banned. You may know Deon as "Rocky", "MVP", and "Douchebag." The reign of terror is over.   Who was Deon? Come on, if you're reading this, you know who he is. He's a poster so bad nobody would defend him. A poster so bad that even Marvin, EHME in the past, and WP look good in comparison. A man so stupid that he had no idea why people hated him so much, even though it was practically spelled out to him. A man who's thread bumping almost made Vanhalen's look good by comparison. A man who bragged about ruining an ex girlfriend's life, and had no shame about it. A man even much of the WWE folder didn't like. A man with no defenders-even wildpegasus and Marvin have defenders.   No he's gone.   Good riddance too. I've made no secret of my hatred of Deon. He was quite possibly the worst poster on the board. Sure, cabbageboy, Truthiness, Enigma, Marvin, etc. aren't what you'd call good either, but they just annoy me. Deon was so bad I'd cringe whenever he posted. He was possibly the only poster on the board that has actually made me mad. That's right, Deon was so bad, it pissed me off. Now, thank God, he's gone. Ceased to be in the board.   Only question is, who do I rip on now? Well, we'll see. For now a celebration is in order, because Deon is finally gone.   Happy Days indeed.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

Kobe, How Does My Ass Taste (NSFW)

"Kobe, how does my ass taste?"       That was the question Shaq asked Kobe as his rival's tongue went to work on his soiled sphincter. It was sturdy to say the least, hungrily lapping up everything it could, and not ignoring a single part of the rancid poop shoot. He just dug deeper, practically munching away as he felt some solid waste exit the putrid black hole.   "GOD DAMNIT!" Shaq yelled orgasmically, jerking his large member as pre cum soaked his knuckles. Kobe was incredible at this-it was his specialty. He did it to Steve Nash earlier that week, and he had plans for Joe Crawford later on.   Shaq's finger's gripped the swollen member. It felt like a firehose ready to go off at any second, yet the Phoenix Sun was able to hold it off-even at the sight of Kobe wildly eating out his shit stained shitter, feces dribbling from his chin like a grotesque milkshake, all while caressing his own member with extreme force.   Nothing lasts forever though, and by the power of Shaq-Fu, Shaq's rectum fired liquid cannon into Kobe's gullet, soaking his face and mouth with diarrhea as Kobe ejaculated a fire hydrant like load into Shaq's gaping maul.   Looking deep into each other's eyes, the two shared a French kiss, semen and feces mingling into each other's mouth to create something not even the Fu-Schnickens would consume. "Delicious" Kobe replied.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

The Internet is driving me crazy

In case you didn't know, the internet is where political debate and a personal opinion go to die. Now everywhere I go online, I hear bullshit like "OBAMA A SECRET MUSLIM" or "PALIN AN EVIL WOMAN!"   This is what politics has transformed into: a shouting match. Taunting each other. Puffing one's chest. Saying retarded things like "Barack Obama HUSSEIN!!!!" This is not political discussion or observation. This is childish bullshit. This has become The Justice League vs. The Legion of Doom for some people. How else would you explain the popularity of political blogs that say the same right wing and left wing talking points?   This is retarded. I do not want McCaine to be the next president.* I also wish people on both sides were better than this, and that dumb personal attacks, "our way or the high way" and "America: love it or leave it" bullshit didn't exist. But it does. Maybe it's because the internet has given retarded mouth breathers a voice that no one with a properly functioning brain would want to hear. People should be better than this, but they aren't. In a perfect world, we wouldn't have the likes of Michael Moore and Sean Hannity. It's not a eprfect world though.   In short, until you have something to say that's 1.) Not a talking point, 2.) Actually intelligent, 3.) Not a stupid personal attack on character that has nothing to with the issues, or 4.) Mature, then I don't want to hear it. Blow it out of your ass. People like this are what's ruining political discourse in this country. It has gotten to a point where disagreement leads to insults and shouting. Come on, you can be better than that.     *I do however, want to fuck Palin's brains out.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

5
How To Vibrate
 

Dead Man's Party

I'm all dressed up with nowhere to go
Walkin' with a dead man over my shoulder

Waiting for an invitation to arrive
Goin' to a party where no one's still alive

CHORUS
I was struck by lighting
Walkin' down the street
I was hit by something last night in my sleep
It's a dead man's party
Who could ask for more
Everybody's comin', leave your body at the door
Leave your body and soul at the door . . .
(Don't run away it's only me)

All dressed up with nowhere to go
Walkin' with a dead man
Waitin' for an invitation to arrive
With a dead man . . . Dead Man . . .

Got my best suit and my tie
Shiny silver dollar on either eye
I hear the chauffeur comin' to the door
Says there's room for maybe just one more . . .

CHORUS

Don't run away it's only me
Don't be afraid of what you can't see
Don't run away it's only me . . .
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

To The WWE Folder

CM Punk jobbing to Jericho and not being in the Main Event on PPV is nothing to complain about. Face it, Punk's not ready for that kind of push yet. Please get that sand out of your vaginas and stop whining.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

Reasons Why "Return To The 36 Chambers" is Awesome.

It's hilarious, distrubing, perverse, scatalogical, homophobic, mysoginistic, violent, schizo-in short, it's what many a white rapper has tried to accomplish, and failed to deliever. Rza's Production-"My beats are slammin' from the rugged programmin'" He brags about being on welfare. "Brooklyn Zoo" is awesome, but "Damage", "Proteck Your Neck II In The Zoo" and "Harlem World" deserve plenty of love. "Drunk Game (Sweer Sugar Pie)" in it's entirety. "I'm the baddest Hip Hop Man on the Planet!" He raps, sings, howls, bellows, forgets his rhymes-it's the musical equivelent of a paranoid crackhead on open mic night. Like The Gravediggaz "6 Feet Deep", it does what Insane Clown Posse and many of their peers tried to do, but failed to in the fact that it's violent, sexist, and really fucking funny instead of completely horrible. The opening. "Never in the History of Hip Hop" has never been used so appropriately. He randomly sings "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" Words of aadvice: "Go To School. Take a shit. Don't wipe ya ass." His Hip Hop drops on ya head like ra-a-ain His balls are fragile like eggs. GZA's performance on "Damage" is among his most underrated-plus, it's fun to hear him loosen up a bit. Not only is there no other Hip Hop album like it, there's no other album quite like it. It's a realy one in a kind experience that everyone must experience to truly understand or love.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

2
How To Vibrate
 

Thoughts on "Mirrors" and "Clone Wars"

Clone Wars is bad, but not "I wanna kill myself bad" that some are making it out to be, though I didn't go in with high expectations-it's at least better than Phantom Menace. I actually wasn't annoyed by Ahoska, though The baby Hutt and the gay Hutt I call "Capote the Hutt" are a different story all together. Just remember that this is a minor movie made for kids-nothing more nothing less-and if you don't go into it with high expectations, then you'll be alright.   Mirrors is a wasted movie. There's 3 kills total (not bad ones either-the "jaw ripping" scene is worthy of Fulci), and it all feels like a Fulci movie-that is, one he did in his decline. It's also too long (nearly 2 hours) and poorly acted (especially Kiefer Sutherland). That out of the way, it's a rare example if a remake that's better than the original (the original is really boring), and isn't too bad-just boring.   Both get 4/10.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

3 movies in a week

I already saw "Tropic Thunder" (which is great). Tonight it's that animated "Star Wars" movie (friend keeps bugging me over it, so I finally caved in-Christ, I don't even like "Star Wars" that much) and tomorrow it's "Mirrors"." Expect reactions on Sunday.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

What happened while you saw "Pineapple Express"

Well, here's what happened this week in case you've been living under a rock   -John Edwards admitted to an affair with a woman while his wife has cancer. Class act. I'm sure Newt thinks he's an amatuer though. That reminds me: what is it with politicians and ugly chicks? Why can't they take a page out of Kennedy's book and nail a hot chick? You guys are fucking politicians, you can get better pussy.   -Somebody was stabbed, killed, and decapitated on a bus in Manitoba. Westboro Baptist Church is there to tell people they are going to hell (really, I'm just apathetic towards these guys now. I've heard so much from them or about them that they are just old news), and or pals at PETA are behaving in the dignified way expected by running an add saying the guy's death is nowhere near as bad as killing an animal. Stay classy PETA.   -John McCain keeps running negative adds, alienating old fans in a way that Bill Clinton alienated old fans this year.   -Brett Farve got traded to the Jets-oh go away Brett. Seriously, go away, quit whining, quit crying, and quit being a little bitch. And for God's sake, it wouldn't kill you to shave more often. This has given ESPN even more reasons to suck as well, as if it weren't already possible.   -"Pineapple Express" is pretty awesome, though it didn't beat "The Dark Knight." Also, good to see Rosie Perez still getting work.   -R.I.P. Bernie Mac. You were the best thing about the "Ocean's" movies, and Milky is right when he says your role as "Officer Self-Hatred" in "Don't Be A Menace" is great.   -Finally:    
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

I wasn't here Monday

Because I went to a Radiohead concert. Here's a run down of what happened:   It was a 4-5 hour drive, and I was fucking exhausted. Took me about 30 minutes to regain some energy. I got there early so I could get good lawn seats, and so I could get a good parking space. First things I saw at the parking lot: a guy vomiting in the bushes and some hippies. Fortunately, not to many. Beer was $10, so no getting drunk tonight. Cool T-Shirts I saw: A Neu! shirt, a Corgi T-Shirt (I love Corgis), and a Jesu T-Shirt. Minimal Techno music played before sets. I recognized the Vlasdiv (sic) Delay and Basic Channel tracks. Opening act was Grizzlybear. They were alright, and came off as nice guys. Before Radiohead's set, there were the obligatory ads. I can happily say I've never heard a Jonas Brothers song in my life. Also Bill Maher has a really obvious receding hairline. Radiohead were great. "National Anthem", "Body Snatchers", "Idioteque", "Pyramid Song", "Dollars and Cents", "There There", and "Everything In It's Right Place" are fucking experiences live. So yeah, a really stellar live show full of energy from both the band and the crowd. There was an asshole behind me (obviously on E) who kept bumping into me, so I moved. He looked a lot like Marvin. Traffic was a pain in the ass. Me and my friends played "Name That Tune", and my pal Shawn "You know what would be really funny? If care could hump each other" Got back to my place on Tuesday.     So there's the lowdown.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

Hey Marvin

Just wanted to let you know that Glenn Beck sucks and that it must be impossible for you to have an original thought or opinion.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

Brett Farve is a Fucking Cunt

No matter what you think of how the team has treated him (for fuck's sake, he says he's going to retire, changes his mind, and expects everyone in the team to accept him with open arms), or who he'll end up playing for, at the end of the day, he's a fucking whiny cunt, ant the sooner he's off of my TV, and the sooner I don't hve to hear about him anymore, the better.       Fuck Brett Farve.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

13 reasons why remaking "Friday the 13th" isn't the end of the world

If you're like me, you go to horror movie websites, and get the latest in news, reviews, interviews, etc. Even if you haven't, you've probably heard that Platinum Dunes is remaking it, and Michael Bay is producing it. Some, like luke-o and Jingus (known for being bitchy when it comes to movies) are opposed to it. Me? Well, it's not the best idea in the world, but it's not the worst either. Here are the 13 reasons why remaking Friday the 13th is not the worst idea in the history of mankind.   They've done all they can with the series-Come on, there's been a impostor Jason, Jason vs. a Psychic, Jason in Manhattan (for a short time), Jason in Space, Freddy vs. Jason-they've done everything but "Next Friday the 13th", in which Ice Cube must save the hood from Jason. Actually, that's a pretty good idea. Anyways, I think you see my point: they've done all they can do with the series. There is nowhere else to go with the series except a remake. New ways to kill people-Come on, you have to at least be curious to see what he has in store for campers this time. Many bad rip offs-Ok, there were a few good slashers to come out after Friday the 13th ("The Burning", "The Prowler", "Stage Fright", "Night Warning"), but there were also plenty of bad ones-in fact, there were more bad ones then good ones. Come on, you can't defend "Don't Go In the Woods...Alone", "Honeymoon Horror", "Silent Madness", "Final Exam", "The Prey", "The Final Terror", and several others, because they are horrible, and in some ways, have taken away some of what made the Friday the 13th series fun. Sometimes, nerds bitching on the Internet is funny-It's true ya know. It was going to happen anyway-They've already remade "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre", "The Haunting", "Halloween", and others, and more movies will be remade, so it was only matter of time really. The series needs a reboot-No, not the animated tv series. However, as I already said, the series has done all it can, and if a remake is the next step, then so be it. I need a new horror movie to see-Not the best reason but I have been watching a lot of older horror lately, and I need something different. The series was never really about originality-The series can be best described as "Horny teens get killed in gruesome but inventive ways." Hell, I already mentioned the various rip offs, so when you think about it, movies in general (particularly horror movies) aren't as original as we like to believe. Imagine the porno movie knock off-You just know they did a Friday the 13th porno knock off came out back in the day, so maybe we can get a remake of that knock off. The Asylum needs another "Mockbuster"-Ok, maybe not, but hey. Bitching on the Internet accomplishes nothing-It's true ya know. You can bitch and moan about this all you want, but it won't change things, so what's the point? Some are looking forward to it-Yes, some of us want to see what will happen. I wouldn't say that I'm looking forward to it, but I am curious. Who knows, maybe (I said maybe) it will be entertaining. Besides, it can't be worse than Parts 8 and 9. It's Friday the 13th-Nobody is expecting brilliant, Oscar Worthy filmmaking here. You are expecting Jason to kill people. Think about it.   There you go.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

2
How To Vibrate
 

White Zombie (Day 31) and thoughts on this experiment

You know, I've been wanting to do "31 Days of the Dead" for a long time. Since December in fact. I've gone over all kinds of zombie flicks. From flesh eaters from Italy ("Burial Ground", "Hell of the Living Dead"), shot on camcorder shitfests ("Zombie Bloodbath"), Spanish Zombies ("Night of the Sorcerers", "Horror Rises From the Tomb"), obscure low budget oddities ("The Child", "Sugar Hill"), lost gems ("Sole Survivor"), Japanese zombies ("Junk"), bad Direct to DVD movies ("Dead Hate The Living", "Dead Heist"), pornographic zombie movies ("Erotic Nights of the Living Dead"), undead towns people ("Dead & Buried", "Messiah of Evil"), Certified classics ("The Living Dead at Manchester Morgue" "Carnival of Souls"), Hollywood Blockbusters ("Resident Evil: Extinction"), camp classics ("Night of the Comet", "Night of the Creeps"), lost gems ("Let's Scare Jessica To Death") and even frozen, remote controlled zombies with bad mustaches ("Frozen Scream"). So, what's the perfect way to end this month of zombie movies? Well, let's look at the first zombie movie ever made. That's right, the month ends with:     31.) White Zombie (1932)   Plot: A young man turns to a witch doctor to get a woman away from her fiance. Instead, she becomes one of the living dead.   Review: There are many other zombie movies I could have gone with-"Fiend", "The Video Dead", "The Day it Came To Earth", and "Blood Diner" to name a few-but I think it's best to go with the first zombie movie ever made-and a nice little B & W horror flick to boot.   Apart from being the first zombie movie, the movie is also worth seeing for Bela Lugosi's great performance as "Murder Legendre", the witch doctor. Along with "The Black Cat" and "Dracula", this is one of Lugosi's best performances. The dead are also quite creepy-not shambling rotting corpses (this is the 30's for Christ Sake), but they are zombie none the less-though the hair on one of them is rather goofy, like something out of a 3 Stooges movie.   Granted, there are better Black and White Zombie movies ("Night of the Living Dead" and "I Walked With a Zombie"), but this is still a ice, atmospheric entry into the genre-and not hard to find, as it's in the public domain.   Raring: 8/10 Creepy Black and White horror with notable significance.   With that, "31 Days of the Dead" comes to a close. Will there be a part 2 next year? Maybe. Right now I'm not sure, as this has spent my energy and this has made the possibility of my other plan for August-"Month of the Maligned" null and void. Until then, I'm all zombied out. Still, I hope everyone who read this enjoyed it, and will give some of these a look.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

Night of the Comet (Day 30)

30.) Night of the Comet (1984)

Plot: After a Comet destroys much of the population, two valley girls must fend for their lives against the living dead.

Review Remember when I said "One Dark Knight" was the most 80's movie to be reviewed here? I was wrong. That award goes to Thom ("Sole Survivor") Eberhardt's Sci-Fi Horror/Comedy cult classic "Night of the Comet", with its 80's soundtrack, dialogue, hair, clothes, etc.

The movie itself really isn't a horror movie. Sure, there's zombies, but at the end of the day, this is more of a comedy if anything. That out of the way, the dead aren't treated like a joke, and thankfully avoid being reduced to pratfalls and bad slapstick humor. The dead are pretty smart themselves, as they can fire guns, talk, and much more. Well, a few can, such as Willy and his gang. Willy by the way, gets away with great one liners ("I'm not crazy. I just don't give a fuck!" "Let's play a game, it's called scary noises.") Shame he kicks the bucket-again.

The movie is largely light hearted, and the cast have a ball with it, while fortunately not overselling or mugging for the camera. Also, there' a scene in a shopping mall, but unlike Romero, director Eberhardt is not interested in biting social commentary. He just wants to entertain you.

"Night of the Comet" may lack the eerie atmosphere of Eberhardt's previous entry in zombie movies "Sole Survivor", but it makes up for it with campy fun.

Rating: 8/10 "Daddy would have gotten us Uzis."

Tomorow, the final movie is: You'll see.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

Burial Ground (Day 29)

29.) Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror (1981)

Plot: A group of horny idiots (and a creepy manchild) have their plans for weekend nookie interrupted by Etruscan Zombies.

Review: Hardly the most obscure movie in the list, "Burial Ground" is considered a great example of Italian gore cinema done right: unbelievably sleazy, gory, and dumb fun with plenty of memorable moments.

The thing the movie is mostly known for is Peter Bark, a clearly 30 something midget who plays a mothers child (Casting director: "He's short, so nobody will know the difference!") who takes oedipal desires to really creepy new limits. He watches his mom get it on, feels her up, and in the moves conclusion, comes back from the dead and bites out a huge hunk of her tit. If this doesn't let you know what kind of movie this is, then wait, there's even more.

The thing that strikes me the most about the movie, is how unbelievably stupid the people are here. In the beginning, an old professor is approached by the dead, and exclaims "Please, I'm your friend!" Amazingly, this doesn't work. Later on, after several people who you don't give a shit about (really, these are unlikeable people) are killed and devoured by the dead, one character says "Let's let (the zombies) in the house! Maybe they don't want us, but something in here!"

So, how is the gore and make up FX. Well, they are great. Sure, it's obvious at times that they are masks, but the zombie make up and gore effects by legendary effects man Gino ("Zombi 2", "Cannibal Ferox", "Dune", "Living Dead at Manchester Morgue", "High Tension") De Rossi work. The dead are rotting, decrepit things, reminiscent almost of the zombies from the "Blind Dead" movies, only with maggots and worms infesting them. The gore is sloppy, messy, and nausea inducing. So yeah, it's great.

"Burial Ground" will hardly win any awards. It's unoriginal (lifting off of Fulci's "Zombi 2" several times) and poorly acted. However, it's still a lot of gory, sleazy fun, especially if you are in the right frame of mind.

Rating: 7.5/10 Pure unabashed, unashamed exploitation-like that's a bad thing.

Next Time: Night Of The Comet
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

Dawn of the Mummy (Day 27)

27.) Dawn of the Mummy (1982)

Plot: A group of supermodels disturb the sleep of a mummy, incurring it's wrath-as well as the wrath of the undead.

Review: Filmed in Egypt, this Italian/American co-production is a lot of things, but good isn't one of them. If anything, it's proof that not every Italian Zombie movie is going to be good (see also: Zombi 4: After Death; Killing Birds.) Thing is, unlike say, Hell of the Living Dead, this isn't even entertainingly bad. It's just mind numbingly boring bad.

The movie does offer some decent gore, but it's not until the last 15 minutes that the dead attack, and by then, it's too little, too late. You have to sit through atrocious acting and nothing notable happening. Also, the movie has characters who are supermodels, but none of them disrobe. Granted, it's hardly the first time an exploitation movie promised a lot but delivered little, but that's beyond the point. There's nothing interesting in the movie, and it feels too much like warmed over, reheated trash instead of entertaining trash. There's very little here that's interesting, while other Italian Zombie movies like Burial Ground and Zombi 2 remembered to bring the sleazy, gory goods.

"Dawn of the Mummy" is a waste of time for anyone and everyone involved, and isn't even worth watching drunk or stoned.

Rating:0.5/10 a very, very dull and painful viewing experience. Better than a shot on camcorder horror movie, but that's hardly a compliment.

On the table next: Hell of the Living Dead
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
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