KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 99: Jessie Ewiak
I have stopped going into the CE folder (or whatever it’s being called nowadays) for quite a while, which is a shame because for the longest time it was by far the most entertaining place for discussion and debate. Did I just say “discussion and debate”? What I meant to say was that for the longest time the CE folder was by far the most entertaining place for name-calling, flame-baiting and overall juvenile behavior. While there were many people (like me) who limited most of their posts to a smart-ass (and often unfunny) remark or two per post, there were some who tried to do more. One of these people was Jessie Ewiak, and surprisingly he was a favorite of mine. When he wasn’t explaining to members of the Conservative Brigade why the polls favored Kerry over Bush in ’04, he was wanking to one of the few elections Democrats did manage win that year. Also, when it came to talking about the Swift Boat Vets and the *coughallegedcough* cBS forged memos about Bush’s National Guard Service, Jessie was blog-tastic. In fact, the one thing I don’t like about Jessie is that he didn’t post more, because I really did enjoy reading his take on a variety of issues, even if I didn’t agree with them. So in the spirit of bipartisanship, even though I wish that all of the people Jessie votes for in the ’06 elections lose, I want them to lose by really small vote margins. Sadly, with the two of us living in Pennsylvania (him up in Erie, me down in Shittsburgh), I’m afraid that there will be quite a few people on his ballot taking congratulatory phone calls from political opponents later this year.
And now a word from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From SFA Jack:
• So last night I was watching the Hurricanes/Sabers game and they just ended the first period. With the Suns/Mavericks game yet to begin I decided to do some channel surfing, which is what any guy would do given the circumstances. So there I was flipping away when I came across MTV and this “Sweet 16” show. Wondering what the hell this was I put the remote down, which was my first mistake. I’ve never heard of this show before, but apparently it’s about spoiled brats and what they do for their 16th birthday. This episode focused on a chick named Alexa and her getting ready for the big day. The show started out with her giving away invitations right outside her house with a staff of security guards trying to keep the crowd of (she estimated) 400 in order. Once the invitations were given out, tragedy struck. Her boyfriend, Manny, broke up with her. It only got worse from there. To celebrate her becoming a woman, the family was going to rent out a hotel reception hall and decorate it in a Arabian motif, complete with belly dancers and snake charmers. However, there was a problem: Her mother didn’t like the centerpieces Alexa picked out. Then later on when she went out by the beach to take some glamour shots, the wind picked up, discombobulating the angel wings that were set up on her back. This hardship was so trying that she began crying over this. But all this paled to what happened later, when it was time for her to go car shopping with her dad. She picked this automobile and wanted it right then and there. Daddy, though, didn’t oblige because he was playing the negotiating game with the salesman over the $41,000 price tag. This brought on another wave of tears.
When it came time for the big day, Alexa was in for a rude awakening. Her mother purchased the centerpieces that she liked, not the ones Alexa preferred. To add insult to injury, Louis the Event Planner didn’t have time to replace them, so Alexa had to deal with these monstrosities that cost $3,000 less than the centerpieces she wanted. Note I didn’t say they cost $3,000 – they cost $3,000 LESS. All throughout the preparation process, Alexa kept saying how she wanted to impress her ex-boyfriend, who was in attendance, and on her big day everything was going wrong, leaving Manny unimpressed. But then it all turned around for our little Alexa. Dressed as a belly dancer, she gyrated in front of a packed audience, showing Manny what he was missing. When it was all said and done, Manny had a change of heart and said to her, “I wouldn’t mind getting back with you.” Oh but the laugh was on him, because Alexa said that she no longer wanted to be with him. You go girl. Then her father took Alexa outside to show her the car he bought – the same vehicle that she cried about not getting earlier in the episode. As if that wasn’t enough, her dad also got her a diamond-encrusted Rolex watch, to which she said, as her dad gave it to her, “Fuck the car, dude, check out my watch.” Manny, still heartbroken after being rejected by Alexa just minutes ago, said on camera, “”I could have been driving that car.”
Oh by the way, this wasn’t really Alexa’s 16th birthday; it was her 15th. God only knows what’s going to happen when she turns 21. And I will never watch this show again, partly because I don’t want to know if Alexa is one of the more or less extreme cases of this show.
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 100: Anorak
I don’t know much about Anorak other than he lives in the U.K., and I don’t remember exactly when we first lovingly gazed into each other’s eyes. Anyway, for some time we constantly name-called each other in a number of threads, but then something strange happened: we actually started to get along better. We even PM’d each other a few times and had some civil discussions about soccer (or football, for non-Americans out there). And besides, for the longest time he had the cutest Avatar of some stuffed animal/puppet thing, which made reading his posts that much more entertaining, especially when he said things like, “You're a racist cunt yourself so please spare us your utter stupidity, ignorance and hypocrisy in future threads of similar nature. Thanks.” I may not know what the hell those euro-posters are talking about in their soccer threads, but here’s hoping one of Anorak’s teams ends up winning their league, or whatever it is they play for over there.
• Today’s lunch excursion was a real joy. There’s a Wendy’s just down the road from where I work, and I felt the need to consume the goodness of a triple cheeseburger (without the onions, of course). This store isn’t too big but it’s efficiently run for the most part (as many Wendy’s are from my experiences) but has a duo at register that is by far the best cashier-tandem I’ve ever encountered at a fast-food joint. One of them wasn’t working today and there was some other gal to take her place. You could tell she was new to the position and had the old deer-in-headlights look every time a customer asked her something. Couple this with the fact there were a half-dozen families in line and I began to regret my decision to come into the store and place my order. (Their lot was half-full, which is usually a good indication of whether or not to enter the store, especially during a lunch rush.)
What I hate about family orders is that the parents, nine times out of ten, have zero control over their spawn when they’re trying to place their order. Couple that with the cashiers having to put together Happy Meals, or whatever they’re called at other places, and it only adds to the prolonged wait. Then, to top it off, the parents sometimes try to make their kids order for themselves, which is a horrible idea because the kid is a) either scared to talk to a stranger wearing a hair net, or b) they don’t know what to order and you have to spend 10 minutes trying to get them to say “hamburger kids meal.” Of course, all the while these families are taking up valuable time, the customer line continues to grow. Naturally, these families don’t realize this, and the poor cashier has to deal with the rest of the herd, who by now have grown quite impatient.
The problem was with today’s lunch rush was that half of these “family orders” were done by the kids’ grandparents (either that or these parents decided to conceive REALLY late in life). The only thing worse than kids ordering are 80-year olds who never forget to mention that they get the “senior discount.” Not only do these people have no clue as to what’s going on around them, but also they never know what’s on the menu and don’t bother looking at it until it’s time to place an order. Also, when their order is finally placed on their tray, they attempt to engage the cashier in small talk and it takes them an hour to finally shuffle themselves away from the register.
Well, you couple the one cashier who didn’t know what she was doing with the other cashier who had to deal with two grandparents and three screaming demons, you can imagine how fun my time in line was. But I will count my blessings in this instance. After all, my order took about a minute to complete, and thankfully I got there before the lunch rush, so even though my wait was unnecessarily long, it could have been much worse; the line was almost out the door when I sat down and started to eat. Oh, and the triple cheeseburger was filled with all that greasy goodness that you can experience when consuming one of these heart-attacks-between-a-bun.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 101: EricMM
I was on the fence a bit with whether or not to include Eric in this oh-so-prestigious list, but it's not because he’s a commie. In fact, there are a number of lefties at TSM (and at the Other Place) who I get along with just fine (or at least I think I do). However, Eric suffers from time-to-time with one of the more annoying traits some in his camp have – It’s the old “If you disagree with me then you’re just ignorant” syndrome. Hell, he nearly shit his drawers one time when he learned that I set the grass clippings from my yard out for the garbage man to pick up rather than using this precious Mother Earth resource as some sort of fuel-generating product to power windmills. However I shouldn’t be too negative on Eric because I think he’s just a product of his environment (pun intended); you can’t expect some greenie weenie to just change his colors overnight. And besides, we share some common ground on other issues, like, um, making fun of low-carb dieters. Oh, and we also like the Clone Wars cartoons. Also, he can crack a good joke every now and then, which is why in the end I decided to recycle my original thought of putting him on the list. So there you go, you little green bastard.
And now a word or two from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From Carnival:
From SFAJack:
• Back in the ’88 Vice Presidential debate Lloyd Bentsen told Dan Quayle that he was “No Jack Kennedy.” Well, now Quayle is “No Lloyd Bentsen." That's because Quayle’s still alive. LOLZ. Actually, from what I remember and read about Lloyd, I’d gladly take him over just about every Democrat, and quite a few Republicans, that are in office today.
• Here’s something that’s getting on my nerves: the dipshits making jokes about people not being able to find OLN on their cable line-up so they can watch the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Like it’s so hard to go on the TV Guide channel and figure out what station the Mighty Ducks/Oilers game is on. I know humans are lazy and stupid, but jeez. And I say go OLN – just because ESPN has a stranglehold on sports programming doesn’t mean every league has to bend over for them. Is the NHL not getting as much exposure by choosing OLN over ESPN? Yes. But it’s not like they were getting monster ratings when they were on ESPN for all those years anyway.
• I'm watching the Ducks/Oilers Game 3 and right after the early 1st Period brawling when several members of the Ducks were in the penalty box, this Oilers fan has a sheet taped to the glass with the line, "I'd rather be golfing" in a bubble (that you see when comic characters are thinking) behind one of the players. I love hockey fans from Canada.
KKK's Top 103 Posters List
Number 102: T®ITEC
I don’t see T®ITEC online all that much, which is odd considering Utah isn’t exactly a hotbed of social activity, unless you’re a Mormon with 10 wives and it’s “date night” at your compound. Anyway, I did have the fortune of speaking to her a few times on AIM, and she’s a nice enough gal. Because females are few and far between on places like Internet Message Boards, it’s always nice to get their perspective on relationship issues, and T®ITEC is no exception, considering her high kinky score and the offering of sage advice like “stop trying to fuck anything that talks to you, and aim a little higher.” Another plus is that she’s a cat person, which is never a bad thing. And she hates children, which is always a good thing. I still don't know how to type that hippie ® though -- thank God for "copy and paste."
And now a word from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From SFA Jack:
• It’s been revealed that William Jefferson, Democrat, Louisiana, is on tape accepting bribe money or something. I guess this means in the next election he’ll win by a bigger margin than in previous campaigns.
• I normally don’t like Pardon The Interruption’s “5 Good Minutes” segment, but today’s interview with A.J. Pierzynski was great, especially when they started talking about Jay Mariotti and how he never frequents the White Sox locker room.
• Just heard on SportsCenter that the horse who broke his leg this past weekend is checking out the chick horses in his stable, which the vets said is a good sign. I say it doesn’t mean anything. Even when a man’s on his deathbed, he’s still going to check out his nurse’s cleavage.
• This is what is wrong with people – we’re too fat and lazy to check anything. For example, did you know that a 6.5-ounce serving of YoCrunch Low Fat yogurt with Nestle crunch candy pieces has 210 calories? Let me repeat that: a low fat yogurt with NESTLE CRUNCH CANDY PIECES. I get this brand of yogurt every now and then, but I treat this product more of a snack and know that this isn’t the greatest thing in the world for me. However, it could be worse, I could eat an entire Nestle Crunch bar.
• I’m going to defend Congress on this one. According to the article, “The House was to vote late Monday on the bill, which requires that state and local preparedness offices take into account pet owners, household pets and service animals when drawing up evacuation plans.” Being the owner of three cats, I’d make sure they have space on the rescue boat than many of the products I saw of our Great Society during Katrina. At least I know when I give Dessa, JJ, and Max shelter, food and water, they won’t end up stealing my television. Breaking it? Maybe. But not stealing it for crack or some bling.
• KKK's Top 103 Posters List
So back a week or so ago I was looking at someone’s favorite something-or-other list, and I suddenly got inspired to do my own list of top/favorite posters at TSM. As I began typing away the names of user handles that popped into my head, I had no idea how many names I would continue with before stopping. I got up to 103 before getting bored, and also because I was too lazy to trim off the three names that would make my list an even 100 number. After looking over this list a day or so later I did a little re-arranging of the order and finalized it. So, without further ado, I kick-off KKK's Top 103 Poster List.
Number 103: Sideburnious
Sideburnious falls under the category of posters I like but I don’t spend much, if any, time talking to. I think one reason I'm having some trouble coming up with a "favorite Sideburnious moment" is because he’s “TSM Invisible Poster.” However, he’s not invisible enough to make #103 on my list.
And now a word from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From Carnival:
So who will be in the 102 spot? Tune in and find out.
• So tonight will bring to an end to “Charmed,” one of those shows that I have no idea why I watch. Actually, I know the reason. A year or two ago the better half began watching this program on TNT with three chicks talking and doing nothing but show off cleavage for an hour before finally vanquishing someone (or something) at the end. After asking her what the show was about and being told that it deals with three witches who do a bunch of stuff I retreated to another room. Months went by and every time this show was on television Mrs. kkk would be there watching it. The few times I saw more than 10 seconds of this program I asked questions as to what the hell was going on. The answers I got most of the time just confused me more. "If Cole is the source of all evil why then did he stop being a lawyer?" "Didn't Shannon Doherty used to be on that show?" How come the chick who replaced Shannon can teleport while the others can't?" "Didn't they already kill those Triads before?" "How come Leo can't heal people anymore?" Anyway, whenever a holiday or birthday would come around, getting the latest “Charmed” season released on DVD was always an easy gift choice to get. Because the better half watched these shows nonstop I inevitably started watching them, and once the show came back for a final season on the WB I watched it along with her. Now it’s the series finale and I’ll be hoping that Billie dies a miserable death. If you don’t know who Billie is, don’t ask. Trust me, you’ll be better off that way.
• Well today was one of those days where I had to go into the office early at 7 a.m. Then it was off to a quarterly board meeting at 9 a.m. that didn’t get out until 3 p.m. Then it was back to the office where I stayed until 10:30 p.m. working on stuff (including this entry ). While many people hate to work weekends, I don’t really mind it. Hell, for most of my life working weekends was considered the norm. But what I really like about working Saturdays now is that I’m by myself in the building. This means no phone calls to deal with, no bosses giving me assignments that they will never get around to doing anything with, no rush-hour traffic to navigate when driving home, and no golf shirt and Dockers (although I’d rather wear these kind of clothes than jeans, there’s nothing quite like wearing shorts while typing at your work station). Also, because I’m not a salaried employee these eight non-meeting work hours mean comp time, which I’ll be taking off sometime this week or next week.
Here’s a tip for my fellow hourly employees; when you work the extra hours, don’t keep them around; use them ASAP. And don't forget to write down the times you came in early or stayed late. The reason for this is if you wait a while to take that three-day weekend, your boss will strangely forget the extra work you performed. It’s amazing how bosses forget things like the 16-hour workday you put in or how you worked a 50-hour workweek. I learned that lesson the hard way a few years ago at this place, which really pissed me off because I'm usually pretty good at keeping documentation of what I do. After working four days out-of-state where my workday always began at 5-6 a.m. and finished at 1-2 a.m., I was “fortunate” enough to get ONE FUCKING COMP DAY out of the whole thing. Oh, and this was around the time when I was moving into my house back in ’04. So instead of having three days to comfortably get situation in the biggest purchase of my life, I got to do several days' worth of moving in one 24-hour period. But onto happier stuff: Whenever I decided to take a day off from work, I prefer it to be a Monday. Most people I know like having Fridays off, but I’d rather stay up late on Sunday night (especially if it's football season) and enter the workweek with only four more days to go until the next weekend.
• I know NOTHING about this hippie Da Vinci Code. The only think I’ve heard about this book and the resulting movie is that it’s supposed to show us how Jesus had a wife or something. I don’t care about this stupid premise, but I’ll play along. No matter what “proof” is out there, there’s no way Jesus was knocking boots with the Mary chick (not his mom mind you, but the other one with the funky last name). My proof for this? If Jesus was married, he wouldn’t have been saying shit like “Lord, why hast thou forsaken me?” while on the cross. Like any married man, he’d be saying, “Come on, God, kill me now! Damnit, now she’s nagging me about dripping blood onto my clothes and how these stains won’t come out in the wash. Now you're letting me live to hear her bitch about how I never listen to what she has to say? You really are a cruel God!” Then again I could be all wrong; maybe Jesus was hitched. After all, it’s not like he stuck around here on earth to hang with his disciples after he was resurrected. He probably wanted to get the hell off the planet since the morning after he did the deed with Mary M.
• If the people of New Orleans re-elect Ray Nagin as their mayor, then I hope Pat Roberston really does have some inside info as to what kind of havoc God will wreak on us as a nation.
• So one of the better half's friends works at a day care center. Actually, her dad owns the place, however, he pays his daughter about $15k to run it, and by run it I mean oversee just about every responsibility out there. On top of that he charges her rent to live in the basement of his house. I love this man. Anyway, Mrs. kkk just told me that every year her friend holds a PRESCHOOL GRADUATION CEREMONY for the little brats in her center. A PRESCHOOL GRADUATION CEREMONY. I'm not sure if this includes the ol' cap and gown, but in this day and age who the hell knows. Anyway, a big brouhaha by the parents took place when it was revealed that each kid was only allowed three tickets. I don't know what's worse: PRESCHOOLERS having a GRADUATION CEREMONY, or parents pissed off because they can only have three people attend this thing. Believe it or not, I actually have a memory of my PRESCHOOL GRADUATION CEREMONY. What did I do? My mom picked me up and I was driven home. Another memory I have is taking some kid's coloring picture and scribbling it up. One of the teachers saw me do this, yelled at me and when I took my coloring picture up to show her she said that she didn't like it. I think my preschool had naptime, but all I remember is laying on the floor.
• I was just flipping through the channels and came across one of the 20 Jesus channels on my cable lineup. Normally I just skip over these stations, but for the brief moment this station was on my television I saw the words, "Mike Sweeny." Mike Sweeny of the Kansas City Royals? I put the clicker down. There's this hippie interview show with some friar interviewing Sweeny. Good lord is this guy a Jesus freak. The most memorable experience of his life was his high school confirmation weekend retreat where he found Jesus Christ? Oh man. HA -- he just said that his high school team won the state championship because they prayed together, and teams that pray together win together. I'll take this time out now to let you make your own joke about his team's current situation.
• Once a week the better half and I go grocery shopping. Now many of you know that if I don't have a coupon for something and it's not on sale, then I don't get it. Mrs. kkk, on the other hand, has no sense of fiscal responsibility, which explains why she's up to her eyeballs in debt. Anyway, she was called in to her second job at the pizza place on the day we normally shop for groceries, which left me in charge. I swear to Christ I'm as bad as a valley girl at the mall when it comes to grocery shopping by myself. To top it off, chicken and steaks were buy one get one free this week. After much coupon selecting and sale item pricing, my $131.86 bill went down to $70.15. Score one for the cheapskate this round.
• Instead of shooting them, shouldn’t we be encouraging these people to get out of the United States? Either way, I think the Mexican goverment should be concerned with the way they treat their guests south of the border before telling us what to do with ours.
• Only community services? These people should be dragged out and shot for what they did. Oh, and my favorite part of the story is in bold, especially since one night back when we were living in Ohio JJ got outside at 2 a.m. when I went to put a letter in the nearby mailbox (don't ask) and the better half found him the next morning by the backdoor crying – I’m surprised he even figured that much out.
Don't fuck with a cat that has "Mr." in his name.
• I love so-called experts on television. Sure the political ones are stupid because every little thing that happens in Washington, D.C., spells DOOM for one group of politicians and VICTORY for the other group of politicians. And what a shock: usually, it’s the party that the taking head is affiliated with that can do no wrong. The only thing worse than these nimrods are the sports “experts.” I remember a week or so ago when the New Jersey Nets beat the Miami Heat in Game 1 of the NBA Eastern Conference Semi-Finals that it was gloom and doom for the Heat. Even when Miami won Game 2 it didn’t matter because New Jersey now had the HOME COURT ADVANTAGE. So what did Miami do after this Game 1 loss? They proceeded to win the next four, beating the Nets in five games.
• Speaking of basketball, this is a weird postseason for me. I’m not really a “fan” of a team in any league, but once the playoffs start I’ll tune in and cheer for one or two teams. If they lose, it’s no big deal, and if they win, yay, I guess. For example, back in the 2002 MLB playoffs I was pulling for the California/Anaheim/Whatever-They-Were-Called-Back-Then Angels. There was no real reason for this; I just liked their team and some of the players. If they had lost to whoever they played (Bored, Alkeiper, help me out there) I would have found some way to go on. However, I must say that when the World Series started I was really pulling for the Angels, but that was because I didn’t want Barry Bonds to win a ring, along with Racist Dusty getting another championship under his belt. Oh, yeah. And I laughed at the end of Game 7 when Racist Dusty’s brat was crying after his dad lost the big game. Anyway, this year I’m in a bit of a pickle because I don’t know who I want to win in the NBA playoffs. I like the Pistons as a team, but I’m also a LeBron James fan. I also have no reason to hate the Shaq/Wade tandem, too. Over in the West I’ve pulled for the Spurs over the last few years, but also I think it’d be nice to see the Mavs or Suns to finally make to the Finals. Who should I pull for this year? I have no idea. Oh, and in the NHL I've been pulling for the Oilers since they went up on Detroit in the first round and the Hurricanes since the second round.
• Here is some more post-election stuff. Although nothing too exciting happened in my district, a few bigwigs in the Republican Party got beat in some of the more conservative sections of the state. Good. If you’re a member of a political party, you should focus more on your party’s primary rather than the general election. I can hear it now, “OMG you’re a Party hack!” Yeah, so what? Look, I may not like Arlen Specter as my U.S. Senator, but who am I going to vote for: a Liberal Republican or a Liberal, period? If I want a Republican out of office, I’ll get it done in the primary election; I’m not going to vote for someone I feel would be even worse in the general election. Now that’s not to say I will always vote Republican for Congress or President, but I doubt I’ll be voting Democrat anytime soon when it comes to the National level.
• You know what? In a normal world this would probably be worthy of my scorn, but fuck it; I salute you, sir. If you bitches want to protest outside of Augusta National come Master’s time because it’s an all-male club then no free baseball gloves or reduced drinks for you. Here’s a note to you feminazis: Not everything should be open to both sexes. You think a guy wants to hear his nagging wife or some other broad when he’s out on the golf course? Even though I’m not a golfer, I can imagine what playing 18 holes would be like when you’re being badgered each time you try to make a putt. “Why didn’t you do the dishes?” “Did you take the dog out for a walk?” “Do you know what your son did today?” “Oh no, I broke a nail with that chip shot!” To Augusta I say don’t budge an inch.
And some people think I have no social skills. Yesterday afternoon after work I drove to the emergency vet place to pick up Max, who was rushed there Sunday. When I got there I sat down and waited for them to check Max out. Now I normally don’t have good experiences at vet places when it comes to speedy service. But then again, if my cat was in trouble, I wouldn’t want some putz bitching at the front desk telling the vets to hurry it up and wait on him and his dog Fluffy. Anyway, I sat down at one end of the waiting room, and this lady was at the other end holding her kitty. Everything was fine and dandy for about 10-15 minutes, and then the ghetto family showed up with “Coco,” which was some poor dog who got stuck living with this group of misfits. Now it’s no secret that I hate children, and this bunch had four of them. However, as long as the brats are well behaved, I can tolerate their presence, let alone existence. The problem was that these pieces of mini-trash were screaming, running around and causing an overall disturbance. Did the parents try to calm these heathens down? Of course not. Did they try to get them to settle down and read to them one of the magazines that were nearby? Nope – I have doubts that the adults in this mob knew how to read. After at least 15 minutes of this the one receptionist told me that there was an emergency in the back and the vets couldn’t finalize the paperwork to give Max back to me. “No problem,” I replied. I then asked for a pen and piece of paper. I then scribbled down the following: “It’s a shame we have to carry our pets in carriers wherever we go, but yet children are allowed to roam free.” A few minutes later when the receptionist wasn’t answering the phone or talking to customers, I slipped her my note. She burst out laughing and had to run in the back and try to get some control over herself. After a few minutes, more laughter from different people was heard in the back office and when she returned to her desk she nodded toward me and said, “So true.”
After dropping Max off at home, I went out to vote. Now I said earlier that Pennsylvania recently got rid of its old voting machines in favor of computerized screens. When I went into the polling station, I got ready for another ribbing over my party affiliation. The last time I voted in the primary season, the volunteers, who are mostly Democrats, do their best to make me feel at home. One example of this hospitality is when they scream to each other across the room, “We have a Republican here!” Today was no exception as I signed my name to the register book. There was one old lady working there who was a Republican, and I know this because the grumpy old man at this place said “He’s your kind, so you show him how these machines work.” After being shown the ins and outs of these devices and entering my votes (Santorum, Swann, and some local school board people) I was walking toward the exit and told her that I thought these machines were unnecessary and frivolous. She agreed with me and then I remarked, “Hopefully it’ll make many of the Democrat voters think they’re voting for Rendell or Casey when they’re actually voting for Pat Buchanan; we need all the help we can get this year.” That line didn’t go over well with the rest of the poll workers there, but that’s just what makes saying stuff like this more fun. As I left the station, I met some young guy who was running for State Representative on the Independent ticket and was looking for signatures. I put my signature down for him and we talked a bit. Even if I don’t support a candidate or referendum, I’ll still put my name down for them if asked. My opinion is that even though I don’t agree with the issue/person I think they have a right to be voted on by the public. My only exception to this rule would be if the measure I’m being asked to sign always got voted down in the general election. For example, if I got approached to sign some paper to support getting a measure on an election ballot that would make gay marriage legal, I’d sign. And when the voters by a margin of 80 percent to 20 percent shoot down the measure, I’ll laugh. Now if these same hippies still tried getting this stupid idea on the ballot for the next 10 years, then I’ll refuse to sign their signature sheet. You lost, get over it. Do what every good activist does – get a red diaper doper baby to make it whatever lamebrain idea they want to impose on an unsuspecting public legal.
Well today I get to become disenfranchised because it’s primary season in Pennsylvania. A while back the state got rid of its outdated, RACIST voting machines in favor of high-tech video screens that aren’t quite ready for use yet. Oh, this should be fun. I voted in two separate precincts during my stays in Pennsylvania and each time I used the lever machines. They were nice and efficient. You walk into the booth and pull the big handle. This makes the curtains close behind you and enables you to work the rest of the levers. For every candidate you support you push their little lever. If you, say, voted for Bush but wanted to change your vote to Kerry, you had to reset Bush’s lever before yanking on America’s Vietnam War Hero. When you were done with all your voting, you pulled the big lever again to register all your selections. Simple enough. Now I get to stand next to some machine that will probably remind me of when I took my driving license test, and if something doesn’t look right I get to have the 90-year olds who are manning the polls provide tech support. Hell, I might pretend to be confused just to see grandma get up and try to reboot the system or thumb through the machine’s how-to guide (along with bitching about how small the type is in the booklet).
There’s really no reason for me to vote in the primaries this year. My State Representative is a Democrat, so I can’t vote against him as an act of protest for the whole pay-raise debacle that took place last year. Even though my Rep didn’t vote for the pay hike, and I’ve voted for this Dem in a previous election, I’m considering voting for whoever runs against him in the general election just to say, “Fuck you bitches – vote yourself a pay raise and I’ll vote for whoever is running against the incumbent.” Around these parts, some people call this “voting for the gorilla.” Anyway, I figure this will be a nice tune-up for the general election that’s going to come in about six months. I’ll find out how to vote for Rick Santorum, who is probably running unopposed, or against a bunch of wackos I’ve never heard of before, and pray that the normally stupid constituents that make up a large portion of the Democrat Party think they're voting for Bob Casey Jr. when in fact they're endorsing Pat Buchanan come November.
Speaking of voting against incumbents who endorsed giving themselves a raise, there's a bitch in Beaver County named Mike Veon who not only voted for our state's most recent pay increase, but also defended his actions. Well, he defended it as much as one can without going to the media and explain himself. The funny thing is he's up against some nobody with a shoestring budget and the polls, last time I checked, indicate a close race. Veon, who long has been a popular Democrat Representative in a heavily Democrat area, is advertising on television, which tells me he's sweating a bit. And just to show that I’m not being partisan on this issue, I’m hoping for a few bitch-ass Republicans to bit the bullet in the primary season as well, especially since both branches of Congress in Pennsylvania are “controlled” by Republicans (although it’s hard to tell considering they bend over every time Governor Ed Rendell unzips his pants.
• Since message boards and blogs were meant for stupid lists of “favorite” and “not-so-favorite” things, coming soon will be KKK’s Top 103 Posters. A list so exciting, so heart-stopping, so utterly magnificent in production value that you will tune in two, or maybe even three, times to relive the drama and intrigue over and over and over again. Well, maybe not three “overs” because that would mean you tuned in four times … eh, you get the idea.
• All I can say is thank God for vacation time/sick days. This morning as I was getting ready for work I was thinking to myself, “Do you really have to do this today?” Of course this week I have a lot of projects due, but I’m one of those saps that likes to get things done ahead of time so I don’t end up running around like a chicken with its head cut off at the last minute trying to get a bunch of pisspoor work turned in. In addition, I get a certain amount of vacation days per year, and they have to be used up by December 31 or else I lose them. Now while many people at my place of employment choose to use a bunch up for a week or two off, I prefer to spread mine around. After all, why take a week off when you’ll end up having to work twice as hard for a week once you get back to work and have finish up the stack of assignments that were put on your desk while you were out and about? But I digress.
As I was making my morning commute I was right on schedule at around the 10- to 15-minute mark of my daily workweek drive. However, that’s when everything came to a literal grinding halt. I take Route 30 West, which passes by an Interstate Highway. I don’t go on I-376 West but it’s a nice marker to gauge my commute time. Well, about several miles before the Interstate exit, traffic was at a standstill in a place where it shouldn’t be. With the pouring rain, the better half and I figured this gridlock was probably due to an accident. The time was 6:15 a.m.; we were running a little behind schedule, but nothing serious. The time then became 6:20, then 6:30, then 6:40, and we haven’t moved an inch. Well, to be fair, we did move up a little bit, but that was because motorists in front of me were turning around and driving away. In addition, I was looking a few traffic lights down at this big white truck and noticed that during all this time it hadn’t moved an inch due to the traffic. It was now 6:55 and there was no sign of any vehicles in front of me moving forward. In addition, the traffic reports from a variety of radio stations weren’t mentioning anything about this backup, probably because it wasn’t on an Interstate – damn liberal media bias. Anyway, as a few more vehicles did U-Turns and high-tailed it out of there I was faced with a dilemma: Stay the course or turn around. The reason this became an issue was because if I were to move up I’d be away from the four-way intersection I was next to and unable to turn around if I felt like doing so. I figured it’s days like this that vacation days are made for, I turned around and headed back home. As I was driving back I took a look at the traffic that accumulated behind me up since I began waiting, and quite a lot of fossil fuel was wasted on this day.
Another reason I decided to stay home was that an additional accident took place on a road that I have to take to get to work. For those familiar with the Shittsburgh, area, an accident on the Fort Pitt Bridge was bringing outbound traffic to a standstill, and this accident was first reported at 6:30. By 8 a.m. it still hadn’t cleared and traffic was limited to just one lane. Sometimes the Gods make it apparent they don’t want you to work on a certain day, and who am I to question them?
• Well today sucked hard. Not because there was some crack-whore meltdown at the in-laws annual Mother’s Day dining spectacular. In fact, that event was pretty mild, although the stuffed pork chop I ordered left something to be desired. The trouble came earlier in the morning when we had to rush Max to an emergency vet clinic. I mentioned in a previous entry that Max had been fighting a urinary tract infection, and we had him on some medication which seemed to be working. However, we then noticed he was having difficulty going to the bathroom. We took him to the vet again and they told us to change his diet and put him on another type of medication for a few weeks. Everything had been going well; there was no change in his behavior or in his litter habits. We thought he was over his troubles, but when the better half gave Dessa, JJ and Max their late-night feeding Saturday (we feed them twice a day – early in the morning and right before we go to bed), Max wasn’t all that interested in his food. This morning, his behavior got worse, and when he started crying under our spare bedroom we knew it was time to take him to the vet. The problem was that our regular vet’s office was closed, so we called a local emergency veterinarian hospital and took him there.
We knew what the diagnosis was already – he was suffering from blockage in his pee-hole, which is a serious condition for male cats. The vets sedated him and got the grit out, which was causing the obstruction. Fortunately, we got him there early and it looks like he’ll be OK; we should be able to bring him home tomorrow evening. I just thank whoever is up there that there was a 24-hour animal hospital around where I live because I don’t think Max would have made it if we had to wait until late Monday morning/afternoon to get him an appointment at our regular vet’s office. What was scary about all this was that we had been monitoring his behavior ever since he was diagnosed with an infection in early April, and he had always shown no real signs of a problem until late last night. So if you’re a pet owner, don’t hesitate to take your animal to the vet if you think something is wrong – if you don’t, the results can be deadly. Also, even if you have a regular vet and you are happy with his or her work, look around and see if your area has a 24-hour emergency center; you never know when you might need to go there.
• Wow. I watched live that overtime goal in the last Sabers/Senators game. I know the NHL tightened up the rules but goddamn, you at least have to make an effort to stop your opponent from waltzing in short-handed and scoring the series-clinching goal. I’m not sure what was worse – that or Lebron James’ game-winning lay-up against several members of the Wizards back in Round 1 of the NBA Playoffs.
• This is simply ... awesome.
• Yesterday I goofed on a few radio commercials, and today I need to vent about some television ads that are pushing me toward the edge. Now I personally think jewelry is a colossal waste of money and that anyone who buys this over-priced crap is a fool. However, I purchase my share of stupid things, so who am I to judge? Anyway, disagree with me about buying jewelry – that’s fine. But don’t argue with me over how annoying some of the ads promoting this product are. The brand that annoys me the worst is Jared. First off, I had no idea until a year or so ago that there was a jewelry store named after a guy who lost weight eating Veggie Delights. And to make matters worse, Jared’s ads are awful. All they consist of is some chick running around saying, “He went to Jared!” with parents, siblings and jealous friends repeating the line in different tones. The worst of the worst has to be that commercial with the chick at some hippie party getting her panties wet over every ring/earring/necklace she sees, with the other women point to their men and saying, “He went to Jared.” At the end of the commercial this bitch walks up to her husband, who has no clue what’s going on, and drops something in his drink. I hope he beats the ever-loving shit out of her when they get home because she needs it; the only rock she should get is one from the backyard right to her dome.
But the people at Jared look like a marketing geniuses next to Kay Jewelers. I don’t care too much of Mother’s Day or Father’s Day because, well, I don’t give two shits about my family. However, I can’t wait for Mother’s Day to arrive because I’m getting ready to turn violent over Kay’s one Mother’s Day-themed ad. It starts out with this guy taking his wife to the garage, where their brats are playing music and singing, “You’re the most awesome mom in the world, happy Mother’s Day.” Christ I haven’t heard a more annoying sound in quite sometime, and what kind of fucked up family would do something like this? The gang that lives a house or two down from me symbolizes more what a typical family is like. It was around midnight earlier this week when I got to hear that family talk about how the mother found a stash of drugs in the one son’s room. I wish Kay would make a song from the lyrics I heard that night: “I fucking hate you you fucking twat and I can’t wait until I leave this fucking place!” Oh, yeah. All together now: “Happy Mother’s Day!”
• Speaking of Mother’s Day, tomorrow I get to partake in a tradition the better half’s family had engaged in for years. Every Mother’s Day the in-laws gather up the family and we go to some restaurant. I’m not complaining. After all, it’s a free meal, and the entertainment will be provided courtesy of the crack-whore sister-in-law. Hopefully she won’t be totally doped up and start a fight with someone there. I also think that this will be the first time she will be near the better half since our wedding last June; a wedding where she stormed out of the church and caused one of those magical family moments that you just treasure for the rest of your life. Oh, and for the record, the person who stormed out was the crack-whore, not Mrs. kkk, although you couldn’t blame her since she was marrying me. Hopefully there will be some action tomorrow and I’ll be able to have tomorrow’s entry write itself with minimal effort.
• For what seemed like an eternity, OnStar has been airing these commercials pimping their service. For those that don't know, OnStar is some hippie service in cars that lets you call an operator and have them help you out with anything from reporting an accident to unlocking car doors. Well, their radio commercials include real-life incidents showing us how valuable OnStar is. While some ads were downright stupid -- like the guy who locked his keys, and dog, in the car -- one particular commercial will always stick out in my mind. This kid in a heavy southern drawl calls in and goes, "Heeeeelp, my mamma's siiiick." The operator starts talking and the kid adds, "I'm five." Toward the end of the commercial the operator says something like, "Remember OnStar is always here for you," and the kid, not having any idea of what's going on, says "ok."
Another radio ad that is funny for all the wrong reasons are those stupid Ad Council public service announcements. Recently, I've been hearing this one that is even worse than usual. The ad starts with this guy and his young daughter in a car and the kid goes, "Daddy, are we there yet?" The father goes, "Almost. Grrr, there's a work zone ahead. Maybe I can pass these really slow cars." He then starts to burn rubber, and all of a sudden you hear a loud crash and the kid yelling, "Daddy!" There's another version of this ad featuring a soccer mom and her son, but the father/daughter one is much funnier.
• I finished watching all of Lost's season one episodes and decided to see what other people thought of the show in TSM's Lost thread. It's funny to read what people say right after an episode and then speculate on where some storylines might be headed. I'm not making fun of some of the incorrect predictions because that's the fun of watching a show when it first airs and then speculating on what the future holds. However, I'm much more content now with getting a season's worth of DVDs and watching them when I want to. All in all, not a bad show. It's not my favorite program or anything like that, but it was well worth the purchase. I think one thing I don't like about watching shows when they're being first-run is that you have to wait at least a week for the next show to be aired. Give me the episodes back-to-back and commercial free. I've noticed that when watching shows on DVD I tend to catch more subtle things that would get overlooked otherwise. A good example of this are with my Seinfeld DVDs; for example, in one of the earlier episodes Jerry is hitting on this chick and staked her out at her job (with George deciding he wants to be an architect). In a later episode, the same chick is with him on a "weekend retreat" that ruined the relationship. Had it not been for the DVD's and watching them in order, I would not have spotted this continuity.
When it comes to Lost's second season, I think I'll just wait until it comes out on DVD. That way, I won't have to fret when that show goes on a multi-week hiatus, leaving me to wonder who that wacky polar bear is going after, or whatever the hell is going on in Season 2. As for the first season, here is my opinion of the show's characters, for those that care. They are listed in the order of likeability. Oh, yeah. possible SPOILERS ahead:
Sawyer: You had me at "I never voted Democrat." Total asshole, and I love him.
Locke: I thought he'd be Chester the Molester at first, but I like his story and he plays backgammon.
Sayid: Out of everyone in that group, shouldn't he have known that convincing someone to blow themselves up, then telling them they can't, is one of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male?
Hugo: Dude, you have a lot of funny moments, but every time I see your sweat stains I gag when thinking about what your stench must be like.
Jack: Eh, I guess he has to be there and all, but I really don't care much about him.
Kate: She's like Jack to me, only with tits.
Jin: He's there. Nothing negative or positive to say.
Sun: See Jin.
Boon: Commie.
Mike: I don't hate him as much as I hate his kid. I do feel for him a bit though considering his baby's momma royally fucked him over in life.
Charlie: Got a few laughs from me, but he's starting to get old what with being p-whipped and all. He ought to go for a walk with Claire and the kid deep into the jungle.
Claire: I'm a fan of Aussie accents, especially when it's a woman's voice, but she got on my nerves at various times and I really don't care what happens to her.
Shannon: Die, bitch.
Walt: I don't care what happens to this brat.
• Be warned that the hippie in me has broken out of his cell and is on the loose within my fingers frantically typing away. This is why I will never understand hunters or fishermen. Lookie, here’s a rare instance of a wild hybrid polar/grizzly bear. Wait, IT’S COMING RIGHT FOR US! Blast away. Hey, I just reeled in a 54-pound fish. What am I going to do with it? Well, let’s "Chop it up and feed it to the skunks and possum.” Can’t we just leave wild animals alone; we kill enough life already to fill up our bellies -- do we really need to go out and find more when there’s a perfectly acceptable meat department at your local grocery store?
• As I type this entry I’ve got Dr. Laura on and this chick just said that her husband got arrested and is in jail charged with the delinquency of a minor and she doesn’t know what to do. Her parents want her to divorce the guy, who’s also a junkie, but she wants to give him “the benefit of the doubt.” Oh, and she also has a nine-month old kid. Who the fuck are these people that call in to this show? This caller brings back a memory of one of better half’s friends who years ago was in a relationship with a guy that got convicted and served time for the same thing this caller’s hubby stands accused of. (Or was it getting convicted for “corrupting the morals of a minor?”) In the case of the better half’s friend, the initial charge was a rape allegation by two high school girls, but when that couldn’t be proved (I think because neither one could remember what happened, or that the DNA evidence was messed up due to them banging other people, too), this guy, who was 21-22 years of age, did get convicted for supplying these two high school girls with alcohol. There were two great payoffs in this whole fiasco. First, Mrs. kkk’s friend stuck by her man for the trial (although she broke up with him afterward) and was photographed on the front page of the newspaper walking toward the courtroom with the alleged rapist. Secondly, this guy’s dad was a local public official, and when the next election came around he lost his seat to someone else. (He was a Democrat for those keeping score at home.) Yet another reason not to get a chick drunk and then have sex with her. Besides, I have heard that knockout pills work better anyway.
• Speaking of drunk bitches, during the summer going into my junior year of high school I spent a few weeks at my half-brother’s California apartment, where he lived with his girlfriend at the time, Jessica. Well, Jessica had this one friend who was the “party animal” of her group. One night the three of them went out to some bar or club, and since I was under-age I didn’t tag along. They returned sometime around midnight or 1 a.m., and Jess’s friend was shit-faced and in no condition to walk, let alone drive. I was sleeping on the couch and Jessica whipped out some pull-out mattress and had her friend sleep on that in the living room, which was the room I was sleeping in as well. A short time later I heard someone trudging about, and I looked around to see what was going on. This chick was spinning around in what appeared to be a state of disorientation. Finally, she just plopped onto the couch right on top of me. Instead of feeling her up or doing some other naughty act, I was more concerned about getting the hell out of there for several reasons. 1) The cushions were squished and my back was up against a wooden frame, which hurt like hell. 2) If she would have thrown up, well, that wouldn’t have been good. Anyway, I’m not sure how long it took, but I eventually got to wiggle myself free and spent the rest of the night on her mattress. When she eventually woke up she simply got up and left. When Jessica came out of her bedroom, she asked why I was laying where I was. After telling her of my night’s events, she laughed and called her friend up, who had no recollection of any of this. That’s all I got. Thank you drive-thru.
• Shame on you RIGHT-WING RADIO, shame on you. Yesterday I bitched about how a local television news station is pimping a FREE GAS GIVEAWAY, but now you guys at 104.7 WPGB have this hippie feature on your Web site where someone types in their zip code and a list of stations come up. Now the evil Clear Channel is taking part in the “OMG GAS PRICES ARE HIGH WHAT WILL WE DO?” hysteria. Just for the heck of it I logged on and tried out this service, and guess what: Just about all of them are the same! I’m as frugal as the next person; actually, I’m probably more frugal than the next person and the person after that, but I’m not driving halfway across town just to find a Quickie-Mart with gas that is 10 cents cheaper than the other places around it.
Actually, this brings back a fond childhood memory of my old man driving me around to several grocery stores because each had specific sale items. We’d first drive 20 minutes to Giant Eagle and get some bananas and pork. Then it was a 15-minute scoot to Foodland, where apples were 40 cents off. To continue the fun we’d go 25 minutes out of the way and pick up some chuck roast at 70 cents off per pound. Now being a kid driving all over the place for this crap, you can imagine how fun this was for me. Finally, one day I asked him why are we going all over the place just to get a few items. I was told because due to the Reagan economy (OK, I made that part up) a person has to save money whenever he can. My response to that: “But aren’t you wasting money on gas?” To this day I never got an answer to that from my old man.
• I heard on the radio today that Major League Baseball is allowing pink-colored bats to be used for Mother’s Day games. I’m sure there’s a joke somewhere in here dealing with the San Francisco Giants, but I’ll pass on it (this time).
• Speaking of baseball, a while back I was goofing on the Pirates and their retarded slogan “We will…” Well, to the surprise of many, the Pirates haven’t been doing so good this season, but what’s funny is that they’re still using this slogan. However, instead of earlier ads that stated “We will … preserve,” “We will … play hard,” We will … not give up,” now the commercials are saying “We will … support our Bucs.” Riiiight. I’m going to support the “bucs” in my wallet and not pay major-league prices to watch a minor-league team play. And just for the record, I only go to one grocery story, too.
• Oh, I didn’t get to talk about the LA Lakers and Kobe’s second-half collapse in Game 7 of the Western Conference quarterfinals. Now I was a Bryant fan for a while, and I defended him on his rape allegations after I concluded that the chick he banged in that hotel room was out for the money. However, my opinion of him has soured since, although I thought he should be considered for this year’s MVP award. But after watching his actions in Game 7, I don’t blame the league for giving it to Steve Nash. And for all the comparisons of Kobe to Michael Jordan? No way would Jordan act the way Bryant did in that game. I can’t stand it when basketball players get compared to M.J., and now to do it with Bryant is downright laughable.
• As I finish up today's entry, I'm listening on the radio to an interview of a "retired" polygamist. Having one wife is bad enough, I can't imagine what it would be like to deal with several of them. I know I would have "retired" the first time they all nagged me to mow the lawn.
• I’m sure many of you have seen teasers from your local news station. You know, stupid stuff like, “Are your children safe? Tune in at 11 p.m. and find out.” Well, the only thing worse than these retarded ads are the promotions some stations use to attract viewers. OK, I get it. Gas is expensive. But, WPXI-TV, do you really have to call your latest attempt to draw viewers THE GREAT GAS GIVEAWAY? I understand that it cost more to fill up your tank nowadays, but it’s not like gasoline is in limited supply and people are killing themselves over a pint of fuel. If we were in Russia and a news station had the fortune of a few extra loaves, I could understand calling that promotion THE GREAT BREAD GIVEAWAY, but we’re not experiencing third-world conditions. And it’s not like you’re getting a free year’s worth of gasoline; you’re only getting a $50 gift card to a local station. Sorry, but I’m not tuning in to some hippie news broadcast for that.
• Speaking of this television station, last night the better half turned on WPXI (a NBC affiliate) and I got to experience what was probably the dumbest game show I have ever seen: “Deal or No Deal.” Christ almighty was this a waste of my time. At least with shows like "Jeopardy!" you have to think. Even with "Press Your Luck" you had to answer pseudo-trivia questions before going up against the Whammy. All you do in this show is pick random cases. That’s it. While I’m sure the argument can be made that some math is needed to figure if you should keep picking cases or accept the banker's offer, I still don’t care (and no, I'm not going to explain the rules of this game; find them out on your own). This is a retarded show that will hopefully go the way of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” Also, if last night's contestant was any more flaming during his 60 minutes worth of jumping up and down every time a case he selected was of low value he would have been on fire. There was even a point where he sat down and cried. It was around this time I began wishing he hadn’t ended up with the $300,000+ he eventually won.
• While reading through my Saturday Tribune-Review (of course I got the coupon-free Saturday edition last week and not the actual day that I subscribed for) I read the following story. There’s a Quizno’s Sub store that’s near where I live and from time-to-time they have some kid wear a dumb costume and stand out by the road dancing around. Apparently this is supposed to entice people driving to stop by and have a sandwich. Well last week this ritual enticed several punks to get out of their car at the nearby stoplight and beat this mascot up. To make matters worse, one of these hooligans took pictures of the attack with a camera phone. Fortunately, a motorist who was a cop's wife (or something like that) witnessed the event, and now the young 20-somethings are in jail. The article concluded by quoting the Quizno’s storeowner, who said that nobody wants to go back out there dressed up in that costume. God I love my community.
What a fun couple of days the weekend turned out to be.
Friday: Water main break caused my block to go without H20, except for the few times brown liquid came out of the tap. Oh well, at least it gave me an excuse to stay home from work.
Sunday morning: After getting last week's edition of the Shittsburgh Tribune-Review, I went out there Sunday morning only to find my newspaper box empty. Like a good little customer, I phoned in to inform them of my lack of a newspaper. I was then told that one would be sent out to me. A few hours went by and nothing. I get a phone call at around noon asking if I received a paper yet. Once again the answer was "no." I was then told that one would be sent out. I'm still waiting. On the bright side, when I bitch to them today about this maybe they'll get me another discount on a publication that never gets delivered to my house. And this week had the P&G special coupon insert, too.
Sunday night/Monday morning: In the kkk bedroom we have a 27-29-inch television on an unenclosed stand. At about 3 a.m. I was awakened to the sound of scratching. Now, if JJ wants fed he usually messes with the closet door, resulting in a banging sound and also resulting in a few squirts of water from a bottle on my nightstand. However, this sounded different. The noise was coming from the TV stand. I figured it could have been from one of the kids playing with some wires over there, but something didn't sound right. The noise was too loud for that, especially since there's only one wire that they can get to and the noise wouldn't be that loud. Suddenly, I realized that something wasn't right, and it was at that time I heard a crashing noise that woke up the better half. The television fell off the stand onto the floor. Yippie. Our first thought was concern because we didn't want to have anyone squashed by this fallen appliance. However, I figured if that was the case there would have been a scream or yelp. Nevertheless there were a few tense moments when lifting up the TV set from off the floor. When the drowsiness wore off, it was time to do a head count of the three kids. Dessa was lying on the bed, which is normal considering she sleeps with us a lot. I went out into the living room and saw JJ walking around with his eyes half open. Had he been involved in any of this his tail would be puffed out and he'd be hiding someplace. Finally it was time to look for Max. He usually hangs out on the second floor, and when I went into the spare bedroom up there, there he was huddled at the bottom of that room's television stand with a guilty look in his eyes.
In an attempt to re-create the events of this evening, the best I can guess is that Max was trying to get up on the one windowsill. Now he usually just jumps up on the one sill from our bed, but since Dessa was taking up residence and doesn't hold Max in high regard, I think he was trying to find an alternate way up there. I also think the scratching I heard was him clutching onto some little vent thingys that are on the back part of the television when he lost his footing. Because the back part of the TV is sloped, I'm sure his movement back there propelled the set to the floor. Hopefully, the television is a total loss, but if it is, oh well. It could have been a lot worse.
Oh, and for someone who gets up at 5 a.m., this early wake-up call wasn't a good start to the workweek. However, after arriving at work I learned that my one asshole boss will be out for the week, so woo-hoo.
Last Christmas the better half, who never knows what to get me for birthdays/holidays/etc., actually did the unthinkable and bought me a BOOK. Blasphemy. I had to deal with these things for the 16+ years of schooling I received – no way do I want to bother with these things some more. But then again, I can’t really blame her for getting me this monstrosity; after all, I am a bitch to shop for. Anyway, this book is titled “Do As I Say (Not As I Do)” and takes aim at limousine liberals who tell us to drive in hippie hybrids while they get around in private jets that consume more fuel in a single flight from Hollywood to Manhattan than I will use in at least a decade’s worth of commuting to and from my place of employment.
Now before my liberal pals start pointing their veggie sticks at me and go, “Yeah, well you conservatives are hypocrites, too,” don’t bother. I’m more than certain that a 250+ page book can be written about “family values” politicians divorcing wives who are battling cancer in the hospital, so instead of giving off more carbon dioxide for the trees, just shaddup. Actually, you might be pleased to know that I find this book a bit under whelming. Golly gee, Mikey Moore talks about RACISM in America but doesn’t hire people of color to work on his films/books/etc.? Color me surprised. Hitlery Clinton talks about the “decade of greed” while profiting heavily from it? Yawn. Ted Kennedy is big on the environment but is not so big on having windmill thingys placed near his Kennedy compound, which would make mother earth happy but not his yachting excursions? Get out. Most of the things in this book have already been addressed on various RIGHT-WING RADIO programs, among other areas of the conservative media. However, if listening to hours upon hours of the EIB Network isn’t your thing, then maybe it’s good to have all these tidbits in one convenient, space-saving publication.
Today I just finished up the chapter on Ralph Nader, and this one really made me laugh. Despite being against Big Business, Ralph has made a few dollars off the stock market with companies that profited from his activism. While reading this stuff was deserving of a few eye-rolls, what made me LOL was the following:
Then I come across this gem:
So I guess the lesson learned here is if GM/Halliburton/Visa/etc. want to avoid the scorn of Ralph, then all they have to do is say that they, too, are a “cause organization.” Of course, in these cases, the “cause” is to make big profits.
I’m about halfway through this read, and most of the big names (insert Mikey Moore joke here) have already been covered. However, Nancy Pelosi is in the on-deck circle, and I’m sure there will be some double standards regarding her “saying” and “doing” of labor practices. However, a few chapters after that is Barbara Streisand, which I’m sure will be a doozy.
• Ha. Eminent Domain isn’t just for kicking some 90-year-old widow out of the home where she has lived for the past 70 years. Now Big Government is going after Big Business. Funny. This is like when the irresistible force meets the unmovable object.
• Might as well do some updates to my video gaming sports franchises. My hockey team is starting to turn itself around. I am now tied for eighth place in the Eastern Conference, and traded away Ryan Malone for Erik Cole, who is a much better defensive forward than Malone was. The good thing about this trade that now if I go up against a team whose first line has a “crash the net” strategy I put Cole in the first line to help defend against these hosses. If not, I usually put him on the second line and have Tomas Surovy up on the first line. For my football franchise, I was cruising along at 9-0 when I came across a game that I couldn’t play it because it would freeze up whenever loading. I noticed that if I play the Ravens in Week 15 during a season this bug happens. Now it looks like if the Browns are my Week 11 opponent, it will do the same. So, I simmed the week, and even though I won handedly, Alan Faneca is out for 9 weeks and James Farrior is out for the season. Yay.
My baseball franchise is a different matter because I’ve decided to not only play at the Major League Level, but also I’m playing all of the Pirates’ minor-league teams, even the Lynchburg Hillcats. The funny thing is I actually enjoy playing the minor-league games more because the players are prone to errors and such. I’m not sure how I’m going to go about adjusting sliders for more realistic game play; I adjust sliders after every season in Madden, and I’ll probably do the same for NHL ’06. However, I might just wait until the start of every calendar month to tweak the sliders for MVP ’05. Either way, I’m having some great games, albeit on the low-scoring side. But then again, not every game has to be an 11-10 slugfest. I was worried that I had the game set too easy at the Pro level, but after being swept by the Cubs (and getting shut out in the last two games by Wood and Prior) I think I’ll keep things right where they are.
• I don’t watch many first-run television shows on a regular basis. In fact, I stopped watching The Shield a few weeks into its latest season because I missed a few episodes and figured it’ll just be better to wait until it comes out on DVD and get it then. That’s what I did with Lost, and so far I’m almost three discs into the first season. I don’t think it’s as good as I heard some people say it is, but it was a worthwhile purchase nevertheless, especially since I got it during the Christmas season and for a great deal. I’m only several episodes into this season, but I already like Sawyer. For some reason I gravitate to the characters you’re supposed to hate. That was the case with me and the Dr. Romano character on ER. For the brief time I watched this show in the late 1990s-early ‘00s, the only reason I tuned in to watch this with the better half was to laugh at whatever politically incorrect, mean-spirited thing this guy had to say. It’s funny because other than Romano and that grumpy ex-cop-turned-receptionist, I didn’t give two shits about anyone on that show. In fact, I found just about everyone else on that show so dislikeable that I enjoyed seeing them wallow around in their own misery and self-pity. Like I said before, I haven’t seen all the episodes from season one of Lost, but is there a point to the hippie polar bears? A simple “yes” or “no” response will suffice.
There are many things that helped contribute to the financial problems Shittsburgh is currently facing, and a number of them revolve around still pretending it’s the 1960s and the city is densely populated. Being an evil suburbanite, I get to witness firsthand one of the many services the city pays for that other, smaller communities get done at less expense, or sometimes with no cost at all to the taxpayer. I’m talking about city-employed school crossing guards.
Seriously, I hate these fucking people. The only authority figures that have less authority than these pseudo law-enforcement officials are mall cops that hang out at Orange Julius for most of their shift, hitting on the one cashier who doesn’t weigh 400 lbs. Now you might be thinking, “come on, kkk, aren’t you being a little harsh?” Sorry, but not only do these people get paid $12k a year for only working a few hours per day, but also they get free health and dental insurance and free vision care, along with paid sick days, personal days and paid time off for school holidays. Now the argument over keeping these people is “but they only make up a small portion of the city’s budget.” Yes, but you get a bunch of these “small portions” of any budget, you suddenly find yourself in the red.
Anyway, back to my story. On the drive home from work I have to go past several of these pseudo cops. I can understand escorting grade school children across a busy intersection, but these people are walking with GROWN ADULTS across streets that have minimal, if any, traffic. My first encounter with one of these people came with a portly broad at this one intersection. Like a good motorist I waited until she walked with this middle-aged woman across a street I was about to turn on to. Now every fucking day that she does this she waddles completely across the street with a pedestrian. Of course this time as she got about three-fourths of the way across the street, and well out of the two lanes of road I was about to turn on to, she stops and starts walking back. I of course have to put on the breaks and the bitch says to me, “I have the right of way,” to which I replied, “Yes, your highness.” A few young males nearby heard this and laughed.
This past week I had my second run-in with one of these people. Before driving to meet “fat ass,” the affectionate nickname the better half gave to the aforementioned crossing guard, we deal with another one of these people at a four-way intersection at some government school. Well, as I was making my usual left-hand turn at this intersection I suddenly saw a school bus with its yellow lights on. Of course, when at the stop sign at this four-way there are several houses that block my view of the left road, preventing me from seeing the school bus until I was in the middle of the intersection. Of course the crossing guard was a big help; all she did was just stand there and say to me in a tone that would sound threatening if bellowed by a real officer of the law, “You must come to a stop.” Well no shit bitch. Maybe if instead of talking to the ghetto children at the one corner of this intersection you would have motioned for me not to turn due to the fact I couldn’t see a school bus getting ready to make a stop I wouldn’t have almost been in danger of plowing down some products of our Great Society program. Fucking bitch. Instead of making that turn, I just drove straight through the intersection and continued onward toward my home in suburbia. Ever since, whenever this bitch gives me “permission” to turn left at this intersection, I inch up a few feet, make a deliberate second stop and slowly look both ways before making my turn. Hopefully, one of these times when I turn I’ll be able to run her over.
The funny thing is, on the street that I live at we also have a school bus that makes its daily stop, and, yes there are school crossing guards present. However, they are not employed by the State – they are parents and grandparents, and they do not get paid a decent wage and receive free health care for performing this service.
• Boy we’re really going to show Zacarias Moussaoui by giving him life in prison. At this point I don’t care – would you expect anything less from a justice system that freed OJ Simpson and gave a sympathetic ear to the Menendez Brothers? Now the judge got real tough on Moussaoui by saying, “When this proceeding is over, everyone else in this room will leave to see the sun ... hear the birds ... and they can associate with whomever they want… You will spend the rest of your life in a supermax prison. It's absolutely clear who won." Oh shut up already. I bet in six months he gets dial-up Internet access, finally going up to broadband in another three. Also, as the years go on, I’m sure there will be civil rights groups out there that will say we’re being too mean on Moussaoui and take up his cause, or some similar bullshit action. Just like many events, time dulls the senses to the point where the public (or some red diaper doper baby judge) decides that the convicted has paid his or her debt to society, and I’m sure Moussaoui will be another example of this sometime down the future.
Now I’m not a huge death penalty fan. The reason for this is because once you flip the switch or insert that needle that’s it. If a witness lied during the convicted’s trial: too bad. If DNA evidence shows that the condemned was innocent all along: oopsie. The fact you can’t make up for someone who was wrongly found guilty once they’re put to death is my only reservation toward capital punishment. Now if you are videotaped killing a convenience store clerk or police officer, then forget the trial; I’ll turn on Ol’ Sparky myself.
If any good can come out of Moussaoui’s trial it is that I hope some people who didn’t know that the jury system is so broken beyond repair know it now. So if these people ever have their life changed forever due to some thug hopefully, if they have the chance, that they take out this piece of shit who committed the crime against them before calling the proper authorities. After all, someone has to do it since a jury won’t have the stones to do it themselves; unless you live in Texas, of course.
• If I hear one more time that an extra year of college cost Matt Leinart $10 million dollars, I’m going to scream. Oh gee, instead of signing up for the NFL Draft last year and getting picked first overall he got to have a year of college that any of us could only dream of. On top of that, he is going to a Arizona Cardinals team that, although horrible, is much more appealing to any quarterback than the San Francisco 49ers. Leinart’s going to be set for life thanks to his NFL career; so what if he missed out on a bigger signing bonus by waiting a year? Normally I support college players that turn professional early. After all, it takes just one blown knee or torn ACL in a collegiate game to have any pro aspirations go up in smoke. However, if a student wants to stay and enjoy his college experience, then that’s his right, too. If you were Leinart, would you have wanted to spend 2005 getting crushed by NFL defenders or to enjoy a final season of college and getting your pick of just about any 18- to 24-year old in the Southern California region? I thought so.
• The Republicans are pissing me off again. Look, I feel your pain because you are the majority party with $3 gas at the pumps. Of course you’re going to get blamed for this. However, don’t insult my intelligence with these hippie $100 rebates some of you bastards are thinking of doing. Sure you guys have tried to increase refinement capacity and other such things, only to have the enviro-weenies and libs beat back these attempts. You may no longer be the party of “small government,” but please, don’t treat your constituency like those welfare leeches who think we can be bought off with some $100 kickback. If you want to buy me off, you’ll have to add a few more zeros to that amount.
Oh who the hell am I kidding? Remember that tantrum I threw a while back because the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review jewed me out of a few dollars? Well, I gave in after a telephone call offered me 33 percent off a subscription. God I’m such a whore.
• Miami Dolphins player Jason Taylor recently got stabbed in some road-rage incident, and now the other motorist is being charged with a HATE CRIME. Really? I thought Taylor got stabbed because he wouldn’t sign an autograph for this guy. Here is why I think “hate crime legislation” is retarded; can’t we lock this schmuck up for, oh, the other things he did (allegedly, of course) during this incident?
One thing I did not know was that Taylor’s wife is Zach Thomas’ sister. Wonder how those two met? I heard about this story earlier today on the radio, and the news guy said Taylor is “half-white,” which makes me wonder if the 100 years this redneck will face in jail for saying “nigger” while breaking the law will be cut in half. Maybe the defense can argue that Burns was calling Taylor’s white half “nigger.” Who knows. Who cares.
• Well today a bunch of illegal immigrants are supposed to show us what it would be like without their presence. Like I've said before, don't pick your lettuce, but only if you also don't show up at our emergency rooms or schools. Also it would be greatly appreciated if you didn't receive any public assistance from our country's numerous free-money centers. If these people are going to go south of the border, if only for a day, then I'll feel a lot safer should I get blindsided by a motorist today. Not only will I be able to understand the words coming out of this person's mouth, but also there's a greater chance that driver will have insurance.
• The NFL Draft has passed, and I forgot to talk about my all-time favorite moment, which was when Emily Manning threw his little shitfit and pouted like a bitch when the San Diego Chargers drafted him with the first overall pick a few years ago. I don't know what was better -- hearing the boos he got from the crowd, seeing Emily barely latch onto that #1 Chargers jersey, or listening to Chris Berman trying to spin the whole situation, "See, he's even holding up that jersey; what a great sport!" All of this only led up to the best part of the draft, hands down, when it was announced Emily was traded to New York and then to hear the NYC crowd react when the commish began reading off everything the Giants gave up.
• Speaking of drafts, I figure this might be a good time to reflect on the time I attended a professional sports draft. No, I didn't drive up to New York City and wear some stupid green hard hat with an airplane on it. My one friend, who was a partial season ticket holder to Penguin games, gave me her pair of tickets to the 1997 NHL draft that took place in Shittsburgh because she was going to be out of town that week. The funny thing is I knew none of the athletes being drafted at this event. Joe Thornton was the top pick that year, but I don't know (or pronounce the names of) anyone else that got picked this day, although Sergei Samsonov is ringing a bell for some reason. Anyway, my friend that I brought with the other ticket and I just sat and watched these names being called and cheered when the Pens made their selections. One highlight from this day came when the crowd who attended this event booed every time the Rangers made a pick. In addition, I think some kid who played goalie for a nearby college or minor-league team got drafted. Even though the day was fairly uneventful, it wasn't a total waste of a day. After all, it's not every day you get all the teams of a sports league get together and prepare for their futures right before your eyes.
• I heard over the weekend that Shittsburgh has a National Woman's Professional Football team called the "Passion." Oh well, seeing how this team has survived three seasons already, I guess you go, girls. This team can't be any worse than the USFL's Maulers from back in the day.
For the longest time I always had summer pegged as my favorite month. After all, when you’re a kid, summer meant no school, unless you were a retard like me and had to attend summer school for two years because you were too lazy to study during the year’s other three seasons. However, as I got older, summer began to turn from being a paradise to one more of a bother. After all, when working in the “real world” there’s no three-month break, unless you work seasonally and collect unemployment. Also, in the Mid-Atlantic region summer usually brings humidity. Not the Deep South humidity mind you, but enough humidity to make me feel like shit after a while if I’m out in the sun. In addition, drivers seem to be worse during these months. I don’t know if it’s because preppie high school kids just got their new sports cars from daddy, or if people don’t prepare their vehicles for the summer months, resulting in more breakdowns on the road. Then again, since the price of gasoline rises during this time, maybe people just get more pissed off waiting at stoplights, burning precious fuel. Who knows and who cares – one thing is for certain, summer is no longer my favorite season.
This now begs the question: what season is my favorite? Well, winter is immediately crossed off the list. Sure there’s Christmas, but there’s also snow, ice, sleet and biting winds. In addition, the people I mentioned above who don’t prep their automobiles for the hazy summer months also don’t get their vehicles ready for the slick road conditions that occur from January through March. However, accidents during this time are to be expected, so when you hear of a 10-car pileup on the nearby interstate, you think to yourself that taking a personal day from work isn't such a bad idea. With summer and winter eliminated, I’m torn between spring and autumn as being my favorite month. Let me break each season down.
The plusses of spring for me include, in no particular order: 1) Saying good-bye to winter. 2) My favorite time for sports. Not only is Major League Baseball under way, but also the NBA and NHL playoffs are in full swing. You also have the NFL Draft, which gives any football junkie a quick fix. 3) The ability to wear shorts and loose t-shirts. The minuses of spring for me include, in no particular order: 1) Saying hello to rain, along with mowing the lawn. When the better half and I moved into this house, I didn’t take into account the fact I’d be mowing the property that came with it. Friday was my first mow of the year, and the result was two hours and four bags’ worth of clippings. Although I’ve had a pretty consistent opinion of illegal immigration, I began to re-think my position after the first time I had to go out and cut this shit. 2) The increased traffic, which I already mentioned above. 3) Nice weather that’s not too hot and not too cold. This is the time of the year when I open up all the windows and let the breeze cool down the house, rather than letting the central air do its thing.
The plusses of autumn for me include, in no particular order: 1) Saying hello to the NFL regular season and MLB playoffs. I guess I can mention that the NBA and NHL usually start around this time, but I really don’t care about either’s regular season. 2) Once again, the weather. The temperature isn’t yet cold, and after several months of hot and humid surroundings, it’s nice to turn off the central air and open up the windows, if only for a few weeks. The minuses of autumn: 1) While my days of mowing the lawn are numbered for the year around this time, there’s the raking of leaves, which always sucks. However, this is only a once-a-year occurrence, unlike the constant growing grass. 2) The dread of knowing that snow is right around the corner.
For the last few years I had always pegged myself as a “spring” person, although after looking at what I have just written, it seems to me that autumn would probably be my season of preference. The only real negative to autumn is knowing that winter is fast approaching in October than it is in April. Weird.
