KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 53: Banky/The Winter of my Discontent/A Catholic/Memoirs of an Invisible Chevy/Etc.
While this guy has ruffled more than a few feathers at this place, I’ve grown to like Banky (or whatever he’s calling himself this week). When I first started reading his posts, I was asking myself who was this silly goose. I soon then began to enjoy his sense of humor, even though he doesn't care too much for kitties. And here's yet another reason why my three are kept indoors.
And now a word or two from the expert panel I’ve assembled to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From SFA Jack:
From Cancer Marney:
• The big story yesterday was Terrell Owens (allegedly) overdosing on pills in a suicide attempt. Or did he? I have no clue, nor do I care. I am not an Owens-hater, and I have said before that many of theatrics amuse me. He may be a cancer in his team’s locker room, but I’m not part of that team, so I don’t care what he does. The only thing I had a problem with regarding his behavior was when he threw a fit one year into being a Philadelphia Eagle. I sympathize with NFL players and their desire to be paid what they think they’re worth. After all, unlike other sports such as basketball and baseball, NFL players don’t have guaranteed contracts. Sure there’s that signing bonus thing, but if an owner can cut a player because they’re due the money agreed to in a contract, then a player can hold out for more cash if they out-perform that same piece of paper. My problem with Owens and what he did while with the Eagles was that he agreed on a hefty contract the YEAR BEFORE acting like a diva. This wasn’t some Pro-Bowl caliber, fourth-year player making a few hundred grand and wanting to set himself up for life; Owens had agreed on a seven-year, $49 million contract with a $10 million signing bonus when he went to the Eagles; couldn't he have at least waited until year three of his contract, or when the Eagles won the Super Bowl, to ask for more money?
• Well, I stand corrected. You know how whenever some hippie whines about how America sucks, the typical right-wing response is, “If you don’t like it here, then git’ out.” Well, someone finally did. And to Cuba, no less. Now the balance of people coming to the U.S. and those leaving for Cuba is starting to level out, what with hundreds of thousands (probably millions) coming over and one exiting. And even this one who left the States wasn't doing so for Castro's free health care or rice cookers – it was for poon.
• This is odd.
I thought being a sniveling, spineless piece of shit was one of the job requirements to being U.N. Secretary-General.
• The Republican Party is going to hold its 2008 Convention in Minneapolis-St. Paul – the only state that voted for Mondale in ’84. Well, I guess that’s still better than having your convention in Cleveland.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura call of the day (or whenever I feel like doing this). This is one of those instances when a couple in peril calls into the show – why oh why do these people agree to this sort of thing? The woman is 41, the man is 43. They have been dating for a few months or a year, depending on which person you ask. Both have been in previous abusive relationships, and both are afraid of what happens to each of them when they get into a fight; these people feel that whenever they get into an argument they act like they did when they were with their previous significant others. When asked to give an example of what happens to one of these "abused" people, the guy says the following. “Whenever we get into a fight while driving, I push her out of the car, drive away and leave her there to walk home.”
• Allegheny County executive board members (or whatever these people are called) have just passed a public smoking ban that is awaiting a signature from County Chief Executive President Dan Onorato. Here’s what I don’t get about this whole anti-smoking crusade. If puffing cancer sticks is so bad for you (and I’m not saying that it isn’t), then let’s just outright ban these things. I’m not a smoker. Never have been; never will. Well, there were a few times I would light up a Swisher Sweet during my college days, but that was because I needed something to keep me awake while I drove home from 16+ hours worth of work and classes. That Swishers’ tangy taste and aroma helped keep me alert enough so that I didn’t veer off the road and crash into a building. Other than that, I have never touched a cigarette/cigar. (I did consume chewing tobacco one night while drunk, but that’s another story for another time.) Cigarettes are a tax on the stupid, and if you want to smoke them, that’s your choice. I also think it should be the choice of business owners to decide for themselves whether or not to make their establishments a smoking or non-smoking facility. Yeah, I’ve heard the anti-smoking Gestapo say that a bar’s owner is putting the health of his or her customers and employees at risk. Patrons can frequent somewhere else, and employees can get another job. There’s a scale I use that measures how much freedom people should be allowed to have and how much regulation is required for “the greater good.” This issue of letting private businesses decide on giving them the choice of whether to be a smoking or non-smoking facility, or if Big Brother “knows what’s best” and forbids any kind of smoking in a business’ vicinity can play a role in whether or not I determine how much of a commie somebody is. Now if you think Big Brother “knows what’s best” in this situation, don't worry; I won’t necessarily label you a commie for this alone. I do see the other point of view in this debate; I just disagree with it. (By the way, if there is ever a law to outright ban tobacco, I wouldn't complain. Well that is other than knowing that "fat taxes" will be used to replace cigarette taxes, which will be gone as a result of banning tobacco products.)
The best part of this above-mentioned story is that smoking will be allowed to take place in a casino which will soon be sprouting up in the region. Now wait a second. I’ve never been to a casino, nor do I care to, but I’ve seen enough on television to know that quite a few people can fit into one of these places. And yet it’s OK to smoke HERE?! I’m striking up a local tone here because our piece of shit governor Edward Rendell thinks that the state will be better off if we allowed casinos to set up shop in Pennsylvania. My opinion on this matter is mostly indifferent. I don’t care if they get built, but then again I’m not a restaurant owner that will probably get screwed over if a casino gets built next to my business. But Fast Eddie is acting like these casinos will single handedly rejuvenate the state. It’s not. But by the time the idiots who support this initiative realize this, Swindell would already be out of office and headed toward greener pastures.
• Keeping up with the Nanny-State theme, I give this three years before the health Nazis try this sort of shit to Middle America. I can’t wait to see the excuses as to why we’re all a bunch of fatties when fast-food restaurants get banned. By the way, the government is all about limiting our choices for health reasons; hence smoking bans and soon-to-be “fat” bans. But why is it there’s one choice out there that actually kills life and is seemingly untouchable? *whistles and walks away*
• You know, if The Onion would write stuff like this...
...I might actually read what they produce. The sad thing about this is that it isn’t satire; it’s nonfiction. And since I’m talking about The Onion, the only thing I ever intentionally laughed at that was written by them was a story about an athlete blaming God for a loss.
• I heard on the radio today that the Pennsylvania Port Authority has fired its Harrisburg-based lobbying group (Harrisburg is PA’s state capital for the geographically challenged) for wasting money. Wow, when the Port Authority thinks you are wasting too much money, you know the situation is bad. And while I’m on this subject, I’ve been hearing rumblings from this bureaucracy that they need more money or else they’ll have to drastically increase fares. Of course, they can’t just get rid of routes that nobody attends or utilize smaller vehicles to take over these unpopulated stops. That would save money, and we sure as hell can’t have that. One solution I’ve heard is to raise the state gasoline tax by 10 cents per gallon. Let me get this straight. Mass transit is out of money. To get more money, Pennsylvania raises the gas tax. Mass transit relies heavily on gasoline. Mass transit has no money. Makes perfect sense to me. While we’re at it, let’s tax tires and vehicle windows.
• There’s a government school in Michigan that invited this German-based choir to sing at their school. However, there was one stipulation. No religious songs. What was this choir named? “Voices of Heaven.” And people wonder why I call these institutions “government” schools.
• But not everything is negative in this crazy world of ours. Paul Harvey said earlier today that a fellow Aussie is in negotiations to play the role of the late Steve Irwin in a movie about his life. Who’s this Aussie?
Russell Crowe.
Even though later reports deny this annoucement, I don't care. I so want this movie made. “See that croc there? What a beauty. They like to lay in the water and soak up the sun’s rays. But do you know what else they like to do?”
"Fightin!"
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 54: Cobain was Murdered
I like the guy, even though I didn’t actually speak to CWM until several years into my TSM posting. He's had an interesting selection of jobs, from his stint as a rugged lumberjack to being able to go to town with a store's slurpee machine (and don't forget about the other perks of working third-shift at a Quickie-Mart). Then there's the gnomes. Lots of gnomes. Oodles and oodles of gnomes. With the recent tensions between Mrs. kkk and our next-door neighbors, I wonder if CWM wouldn't mind taking his show on the road.
And now a word or two from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From SFA Jack:
From Cancer Marney:
• OK, time to see if my Week 3 pickkks were the charm.
Carolina at Tampa Bay. Incorrect.
Goddamn point spreads. Who’s the asshole who comes up with this shit? Oh, nevermind.
Chicago at Minnesota. Incorrect.
See my above post. I thought the Vikings would make this a close game, but not this close. Purple faggots.
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh. Correct.
Nothing really much to say about this game other than that Shittsburgh fans are about to go into panic mode because the Steelers lost two close games to two teams that posted better regular-season records than they did last year. And it’s not going to get any easier with a game at San Diego after a Week 4 bye. To be fair, the Steelers had every chance to win this game against the Bengals, but that muffed punt return really hurt them. After hearing this play on the radio, my first thought was, “I wonder if Cowher misses Antwaan Randle El right about now." Sure he botched a few punts during his time with the Steelers, but he also broke a few for big plays.
Green Bay at Detroit. Correct.
OK, this exercise in futility isn’t funny anymore. I don’t know who will feel worse: Detroit at season’s end or the one or two teams who will probably get upset by the Lions this year.
Jacksonville at Indianapolis. Correct.
Remember what I said about the point spreads in the Carolina/Tampa Bay contest? I take that all back. Jacksonville had possession of the ball for how many minutes in the first half – 25? Damn. And they got beat nevertheless. On a Peyton Manning bootleg.
N.Y. Jets at Buffalo. Incorrect.
How many yards rushing and passing did the Bills have over the Jets in this game? [119 yards to 73 and 306 yards to 182.] And they still lost. Figures that I picked them.
Tennessee at Miami. Correct.
Chalk up another point-spread win. And what happened to all that talk during training camp about Daunte Culpepper being unstoppable?
Washington at Houston. Correct.
Boy, what an impressive win. The Redskins should be proud of defeating such an AFC powerhouse. Is Cleveland on their schedule later in the year?
Baltimore at Cleveland. Incorrect.
I guess I could say that due to Cleveland playing the team-that-used-to-be-the-Browns I should have known this game would have been close. But that would have required me to look up past scores, and I’m too lazy for that.
N.Y. Giants at Seattle. Correct.
Poor Emily. He should get his daddy to yell at his receivers for dropping his passes. Actually, I got pissed toward the end when I learned that Seattle let their lead drop to less than 20 points. When you have the chance to lay a beat down on Emily, do so. Please. For the children.
Philadelphia at San Francisco. Correct.
The only thing that surprised me was the lack of McNabb knob-slobbing that took place afterward by Chris Berman and pals.
St. Louis at Arizona. Incorrect.
Two teams I know nothing about (as opposed to the other 30 franchises in the NFL ) playing a game I had no idea who was going to win.
Denver at New England. Incorrect.
Didn’t see the game. Was a bit surprised at the outcome. Denver seems to have the Patriots’ number.
Atlanta at New Orleans. Incorrect.
Hey, props to the Saints for being 3-0. I wonder how much returning to the Superdome really played a factor in this upset win. I might want to pull for this team, but I know that if they get anywhere near the playoffs the sappy media coverage will make me wish for Katrina to make a return to the Deep South.
Overall Score: 7-7. Cumulative Score: 24-22. Hooray for mediocrity +1.
• So on the drive home from work today, I noticed the better half had her engagement ring back on her finger. No, we didn’t get into a fight or anything like that (well, at least none that have recently drawn blood). She had a cut on her ring finger and this ring was constantly rubbing up against it, making the boo-boo worse. Because of this, for a week or two she just had her wedding band on while the wound healed. Because women bitch about their men not noticing anything that they do to themselves, I tried to pretend like I actually cared about this particular subject and said, “I see you have your ring back on again.” Her reply: “It’s been on for more than a week now; thanks for noticing.” Now this is usually the part of the conversation where she tastes my knuckles thanks to a devastating right cross, but instead I just said, “Well that’s because I’m always too busy looking at your tits.” I got the Glare of Doom for that one. And here I thought chicks liked to be complimented on their physical appearances. No wonder men and women will never truly understand each other.
• Boy oh boy RIGHT-WING RADIO sure has had a field day with that
Although there are plenty of funny moments, one of my favorite lines is this:
Eight months? LOL – you had EIGHT FUCKING YEARS! Now, for as right-wing as I am, there are two things I routinely defend Clinton on (and one of them sure as hell isn’t his choice of spouses). The first is that alleged Juanita Broderick rape. Sorry, but to bring these kinds of allegations up 30 years after the fact is something I don’t care to bother myself with. The second is saying, “OMG Bill Clinton caused 9/11 by not doing anything during his administration to fight terrorism.” I’m just not going to go there; 9/11 was something that never happened before on U.S. soil and it took all of us by surprise. Sure we probably could have done more in hopes of stopping these terrorist attacks, but could you imagine the shit-fits that would have sprouted had we tried to, for example, implement current airport-screening measures back then? I even give Clinton a pass with the “he could have killed Laden but didn’t,” accusation. I’m sure if he would have lobbed a few rockets at a place intelligence reports claimed that Osama was at and the artillery ended up blowing up, say, an aspirin factory or a Chinese embassy building, there would have been a shitstorm that not even the cBS evening news could have spun in Clinton’s favor (although they certainly would have tried their best), and Bubba’s critics would have been all over him like spooge on a blue dress. There are times when I think back and wonder if perhaps Clinton wasn’t all that bad a guy, and then it’s stuff like this interview that makes me remember why I voted for Bob Dole in ’96 – well, that and the fact Rush told me to.
And while I’m on this topic, I wonder if Rick Lazio would have acted toward Hitlery in their Senate debate years ago in the same fashion Bill acted toward Chris Wallace the other day if the former Congressman would have ended up in Fort Marcy Park with a bullet in the back of his head from an apparent “suicide”?
• Here’s an update on that poor guy who got the shaft, literally. (Background information from my 6/24 entry.)
• Yesterday I had a headache, but today was even better. I was at the office from 7 a.m.-3:30 p.m., which is the second consecutive weekend I have come in to work (last Saturday was one of those times, too). Like I have said before, even though the idea of putting in extra time seems like a real chore, I actually revel in it – that is once I drag myself out of bed, shower and drive in to work. Not only do I not have to worry about my idiot bosses or annoying co-workers, but also I get to wear shorts and skip shaving. Besides, thanks to these past two weekends, that four-day mini-vacation coming up on October 6 is looking pretty good. (Provided I stay around that long, but that’s another story for another time; I don’t like putting the cart in front of the horse.) The biggest question facing me today was when I should leave for home. You see, the Steelers were playing in Shittsburgh today, and my drive home would be greatly affected by post-game traffic if I left work too late. I had been paying attention with how the Steelers were faring in their game against the Bengals, and as 3:30 p.m. approached, I was feeling confident that the fans would stay until the game concluded sometime around 4 p.m. After all, the Steelers were ahead – what reason could people have to leave early? Oh, how about the two touchdowns scored off of stupid turnovers that put Cincinnati up 28-17 with nine minutes to go in the fourth quarter? When this dramatic turnaround happened, I got the hell out of there, fearing the gridlock I might be facing if I stayed later. Fortunately, the Steelers had a decent drive shortly after these two Bengal touchdowns and kicked a field goal, putting them within eight points of tying the game. Thanks to the Steelers keeping the game close, I had a smooth commute home. Despite this brief fear of possibly being surrounded by drunk, angry Steeler motorists on the way home from a divisional loss, this Sunday was much less eventful than last week’s, when the better half got into it with our neighbors.
Let me set the scene. It was around 8:30 p.m. and Mrs. kkk was in the cat’s room cleaning out their drinking fountain (we call this the “kids’ room” because this is where their food, water and two of their four litter boxes are placed). Suddenly, there was a lot of commotion coming from outside. For those that remember, our neighbors with the dog that won’t shut up apparently got free from her leash and was running around the neighborhood, stirring up every other canine that lives on our street. Some people were shouting at the top of their lungs for this dog to return home. As the better half looked out the one window to see what the hell was going on, the neighbor’s wife started yelling at her and said, “If you want a show, I’ll give you a show,” and pulled up her shirt. She then gave Mrs. kkk the finger. This should have some interesting developments down the road.
• So a few nights ago I decided to play on-line poker for money. I went to one place, plucked down $50 and went to work. It’s weird that when you’re not playing for fake chips and instead using actual money that you earned those 2-8 off-suite hands don’t look as appealing as they once did. I spent about 5 minutes folding before I got my first winning hand, 6-6. I then started to bluff, raise and call my way to increasing my bank account by a whopping $18 – hey, when you’re playing 50-cent/$1 blinds, you can’t expect to start raking in the six-figure jackpots right away. So with a $50 deposit, I expanded my poker empire to a whopping $68. I was on a hot streak, baby. Nothing could stop me. That was until I went to a table where the people actually knew what they were doing. Five minutes and several hands later my $68 turned to $39; that’s when I knew it was time to take my ball and go home for the night. I still have no clue as to what I’m doing, and I really don’t care either. Just let me have my fun.
• There’s this show on the TLC channel about this family from Arkansas with 16 kids. I thought I couldn’t see anything worse than that until tonight when TLC aired a show featuring a guy with three wives. Jesus Christ, one is bad enough – but three?! Boy did the redneck stereotypes flow freely throughout this bunch. I can’t wait to see how the six or so kids who live in this house turn out (although I think a compound would be a more accurate description of their living residence).
I must have slept in an awkward position last night because I woke up early this morning with one of those nagging headaches. You know, the kind that isn’t quite up to “throbbing” status, but yet it is persistent enough to make you feel like doing nothing – and even when you are doing nothing, it is not as fun as it should be because you have that little pounding going on up there in your cranium (sort of like what you are experiencing right now reading this entry). Since I couldn’t go back to sleep, I began some channel surfing. It’s always interesting to do this once in a while during a part of the day when you are not normally accustomed to watching television; I guess it is a chance to see what those people that are usually up with nothing to do in the wee-hours of the morning have at their disposal for entertainment. As a kid I always used to love staying up late on Sunday nights when I didn’t have to go to school Monday. I don’t know why; the night just seemed so … different. Oh well.
While going through various channels, I came across some profile story of Kathie Lee Gifford. I never had a problem with this chick, but then again I never watched her show with Regis. I’m sure reading my stories about the better half and the cats are annoying enough; I’d imagine having to hear about someone’s two kids on a daily basis would be worse. Still though, I’m not going to badmouth her. The only thing that disturbed me during this show was when she said that a person once called and asked her to make a CD filled with inspirational songs. Her response to this guy was that she would “pray on it,” and then she actually did so. Pray on it? Whenever someone says shit like that I get a little scared. I mean, what exactly do you do when you pray on something like this? “Uh, hi, God. I know you’re up there doing your thing – starting hurricanes, bringing life into this world, waiting for Allah to raise his pocket aces (boy is he going to be mad when you bust out your queen-high straight; and she isn't even wearing a burka), but I was wondering if you could help me out in this bind. No, I’m not asking for your assistance with a cancer-stricken family member. I’m also not wishing you to give me the resolve to leave my cheating scumbag husband. The reason I’m calling you today is because this guy wants me to sing on this album that will undoubtedly be popular with Middle America and bring in a bunch of money. What should I do?” Yeesh.
After watching this show I flipped through a few more channels and came across this A&E Biography on the "Brady Bunch" television show. Why in the hell did I watch this? Oh, I know: to learn that Cousin Oliver did the voice of Michelangelo in the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. I haven’t seen the sequels, but I really liked the first movie. In fact, “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” was one of the few films I watched multiple times in the theater. That and “Weekend at Bernie’s.” (Don’t ask why, because I couldn’t give you an answer.) However, I was a Raphael fan, so I still say fuck Cousin Oliver for single-handedly ruining the “Brady Bunch.” Sure the show was probably crapping out at around this point in the series, but it’s easier, and more fun, to put all of the blame on some kid with glasses and a bowl haircut. Speaking of the “Brady Bunch,” years ago I remember Eve Plumb, the chick who played Jan, on a talk show, and when taking questions from the audience some girl asked Eve if she could do her infamous “Marsha Marsha Marsha” line. Wow, was Eve an asshole to that audience member. Her reply went something like, “Why don’t you just say it again since you obviously know how it goes.” Eve then started pimping her hippie artwork. Listen here, bitch, I get that you are probably sick of people you’ve never seen before approaching you and asking you to do a line or two from your years as Jan Brady, but that’s part of the deal you signed up for all those years ago while your 15 minutes of fame were ticking away. And now you want us to buy your shitty paintings. What you should have done during this talk show is mention how it’s been decades since your “Brady Bunch” stint and that you are always asked to say lines from this brief period of your life, adding how tiresome this can get at times. Then look at that audience member, give a wink and simply say those three repeated words your fans want to hear. Maybe then you would have been able to sell off some of your retarded art.
Side note: the actor who played Oliver is also born on the same day I was, just 12 years earlier. Weird.
My final stop on the channel surfing express came when I stumbled across C-Span’s “Washington Journal.” The reason I stopped here was because something caught my eye – it was the contact information listed at the bottom of the screen telling you what phone numbers to call to get on the show. During the Clinton Administration, C-Span started this gay policy where if you were a certain ideology you had to call a certain number to comment on the air. (RIGHT-WING MEDIA said this was because too many callers were getting through ragging on Bill Clinton.) Well, now the numbers are still segregated, but instead of “Democrats,” “Republicans,” and “Independents,” the phone numbers they had listed were “If you support Democrats,” “If you support the President,” and “Independents.” What about Republicans who don’t support the President? OMG MAINSTREAMLIBERALBIAS! I have no idea when this new phone number listing started. (I can't remember the last time I watched this show for more than three minutes.) The real reason I wanted to bring up “Washington Journal” is to reminisce about my all-time favorite moment on this show. Years ago when Newt Gingrich was still Speaker of the House, C-Span had this reporter on talking about some political issue of the day. This lady was obviously a liberal and had that holier-than-thou smugness many journalists have when covering politics; that kind of sideline jeering that no matter what a politician does it is the wrong decision and children will die. Anyway, this lady had something wrong with her teeth; I can't remember if she was wearing braces or if there was some wiring around her mouth, but it was obvious that she had spent quite a bit of time at a dentist’s office. This prompted an old lady to call in and berate this journalist for saying mean things about Newt. The caller then made a remark about this journalist’s teeth and hung up. In one fell swoop, some 80-year old from a red state shut up both the reporter (she looked like she was about to cry) and the “Washington Journal” host. Were the caller’s remarks mean-spirited? Sure. But they were also funny as hell.
Since it’s Friday and I don't feel motivated to think of something original to write, what better time than to give my Week 3 Pickkks?
(3.5) Carolina at Tampa Bay
Both teams are under-achieving in the early part of this season. Both teams are also winless. I’ll go with Carolina because they had a chance to win last week’s game and lost in overtime.
(3.5) Chicago at Minnesota
A battle of undefeated NFC North teams, I’m tempted to go with Minnesota for a third consecutive week. Even though the Bears are being hyped up for impressive wins against not-so-impressive opponents, I also heard Chicago doesn’t play too well at Minnesota. So what will it be? Shit, I don’t know. I’ll say the Bears snap their Metrodome losing streak, and I hope they do so by more than a field goal.
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh (1.5)
This one should be interesting. I’ll go with the Bengals simply because they’re pissed off, and last year’s contests had the visiting team win.
Green Bay at Detroit (6.5)
Seriously, who really cares? Since Roy Williams is on my shit list with his inability to back up his guarantees with action, I’m taking the Packers.
Jacksonville at Indianapolis (7.5)
I like Jacksonville. They’re a tough team and beat the crap out of their opponents. In many ways, they remind me of the Houston Oilers of the 1970s; good enough to win, good enough to make the playoffs, but not good enough to beat the top team in their division. Not like I would know, considering I was three-and-a-half years old when the Steelers beat the Oilers 27-13 the last time they met in an AFC Conference Championship. Will this be the year Jacksonville breaks through and upsets the Colts? Could be. If this were a straight-up pick ‘em I’d go with Indianapolis. But because this is involves point spreads, I’m going with Jacksonville.
N.Y. Jets at Buffalo (5.5)
Buffalo has been playing tough so far this year, but I’m not sure if they are “tough enough” to have 5.5 points. Then again, these are the Jets. I’ll take Buffalo.
Tennessee at Miami (11.5)
OK, if Miami can’t win this game then they are in a world of hurt. They should win, but not by a large enough score to cover the spread.
(3.5) Washington at Houston
Like Miami above, if Washington can’t win this week then my prediction of them winning the NFC East will look quite foolish. I’ll take Washington, but you know what always happens when you trust those in D.C. do to anything right.
(7.5) Baltimore at Cleveland
Will Baltimore keep their hot streak going? I’ll say sure.
N.Y. Giants at Seattle (3.5)
Will Emily and her band of big blue brothers bamboozle the Pacific powerhouse predators? I hope not, and maybe my picking Seattle might tilt the odds a little bit toward Seattle’s favor.
(6.5) Philadelphia at San Francisco
Philly is going to take out last week’s meltdown on the 49ers.
St. Louis at Arizona (4.5)
St. Louis beat Denver in Week 1 and lost to San Francisco in Week 2. Arizona beat San Francisco in Week 1, so I’ll say they’ll beat the Rams.
Denver at New England (6.5)
Denver has been playing like crap so far, and I’m sure the Pats want to avenge last season’s playoff loss.
(3.5) Atlanta at New Orleans
New Orleans is 2-0 and going back to the Superdome. Will this give them enough mojo for a home win? Nah. Atlanta is in the Deep South, too. What this has to do with winning football games, I don’t know.
Two-bit thugsters masquerading as populist leaders aren’t the only ones who have called my beloved President a devil. A while back I interacted with someone of American origin who thought the same thing as Hugo Chavez. I mentioned this story in a TSM post a while back, but it’s such a heart-warming tale that it bears repeating.
Old people are hit-or-miss with me. Although I have met some who were cool as cool can be, the vast majority of them are miserable bastards, probably because they know that they are quickly approaching their expiration date. Will I act this way should I make it into my senior years? I don’t know. Hell, there are times when I catch myself sounding similar to these old farts. For example, this whole text-messaging thing these kids are doing nowadays. The hell? I’m not paying money just to type on some hippie cell phone, “C U L8r” or whatever they are saying to each other. But this story isn’t about my problems with society latest technological fads. It’s about old people who piss me off.
A little less than a year ago the better half and I stopped into McDonalds for a quick bite to eat. Now this Golden Arches is on the outskirts of where the dirty urban area meets the lavish landscape that is suburbia. Even though mainly ghetto trash work at this place, and the food is usually not worth the 10-minute wait you have to endure to get your order completed, it’s the only McDonalds on our way home from work, and Mrs. kkk wanted a quarter-pounder before heading off to her second job. After deciding to eat in the store rather than order at the drive-thru, the better half picked a booth that was next to these four old people. As I sat down I realized that not only were our dining mates old, but also they were loud. Obnoxiously loud. And unoriginal. Christ, these people were talking about the same shit that all old people talk about, and this is why I hate most old people. What’s the number one thing all old people talk about? Yep, how everything is soooooo much more expensive than it used to be back when they were kids. Oh I hate this topic. Yes, shit is more expensive now than it was back when FDR ran things. No, I don’t want to hear about how you used to be able to go to the matinee for a nickel. Whenever an old bastard starts bringing this shit up, I like to respond with, “Well back in those days you only made a quarter a week. How much do you rake in a month with Social Security?” Ugh, I hate it when old people bitch about the price of everything. Hell, I remember when it only cost 50 cents to buy a pack of 15-20 football cards. Now a pack can go for several dollars, and I’ve seen some that offer less than 10 cards per purchase. Know what I do? I DON’T FUCKING BUY THEM. Now I’m going off track, again.
After listening to this shit for what seemed like an eternity, I got pushed over the edge when these old people started bitching about how George W. Bush wanted to take their Social Security away. Oh for fuck’s sake. This administration tried to buy you old bastards off with some gay-ass prescription drug program that’s a bloody abortion to begin with. Shut the fuck up about any politician wanting to take away your Social Security. Senior citizens are the biggest voting bloc out there – you think any politician is going to fuck with you people? If anything, in order to kowtow to your wrinkly asses, public officials will try to bone over some other demographic that doesn’t go to the polls – like teens and young twentysomethings, or, better yet, black people. NOBODY’S TAKING AWAY YOUR FUCKING SOCIAL SECURITY. This prompted me to start talking out loud to the better half about how happy I was that we owned Halliburton stock (Dick Cheney used to work there, you know) and that the dividends we earned from our Exxon portfolio were paying for this glorious meal in front of us. I then went off on some other subjects that I now can’t recall. However, I remember at one point I was discussing anal sex. Can’t remember why, though.
After a while of me stirring the pot, Mrs. kkk had enough and said we were both leaving right then and there and that she was going to finish eating on the ride home. As we both got up and walked by these old people, one of them said out loud while looking at me, “So when is that devil finally going to be out of office?” Without missing a beat, I turned to her and said in a calm, collected manner, “So when are you finally going to be dead?” No response, even though her mouth was open. If an old person ever pisses you off, uttering this phrase will usually shut them up. Trust me, it works.
Now I know what you’re thinking. “Boy, kkk, you sure hate old people. Are there any old people out there you like?” Yes. Like I said before, there are cool old people out there. My favorite example of this was when I worked at the theater back in the late 1990s. Our place had just received “Boogie Nights,” and the stories I could tell of the people who went to see this movie having no idea that it dealt with the 1970s/80s porn industry could take up an entry unto itself. But that’s neither here nor there. On the first day of my theater playing this film, I was the afternoon cashier. To my surprise there were quite a few people who wanted to see “Boogie Nights,” on a Friday afternoon, but this one old guy who had to be at least in his 70s purchased his ticket and said to me, “That’s my wife over there. She’s not going to see this with me. She doesn’t like these dirty movies. Hehehehehehe.”
Rock on, dude. Rock on.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 55: Bps21
I don’t talk to Bps, but that doesn’t mean I hate him. Back in the day whenever I used to pay attention to pro wrestling, I would read those “One and Only Raw Threads” that would sprout up each Monday, and I would be amazed that almost every post written by Bps seemed to be a negative, smart-ass critique of the action taking place on television. Did I mention that I liked reading these posts? He also took some of this attitude with him when he posted in other subjects, and when you have me going, “Wow. This guy is really jaded,” you know you're doing something right.
And now a word from the expert panel to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From Cancer Marney:
• One of the most common lines in the journalism world is “Dog bites man, no story; Man bites dog, story.” Well is it any surprise that this article made the AP wire?
• Once again ol’ Pale Face has put one over on the hippie Indians.
In some odd way, this reminds me of a place near where I live called "Lakeview Inn." What was the reason for this place's name? Why, because there was a huge lake behind this hotel, and this was a popular place for couples to hold their wedding receptions; the lake supposedly provided some nice scenic shots for newlyweds getting their pictures taken. (I wouldn't know however because my overpriced wedding event was at a place down the road called Mountainview Inn. No, there weren't any mountains out back.) Anyway, a few years ago the owner of Lakeview was told that he either had to drain the lake or make some major environmental upgrades to it (don't ask). His decision? To drain the lake. Oh, but he still calls his place "Lakeview" even though there's nothing more than a bunch of weeds growing where the water used to be. What has this got to do with the above-mentioned Indians? Haven't got a clue.
• Tiger Woods is pissed because some tabloid has linked pictures of his wife to pornography sites. Well, at least his wife is/was a model – that's better viewing than watching Jackie Chan in a porno. No wonder he doesn’t like other people doing his stunts. (I won't even comment on the end-of-credit outtakes.)
• Now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this). This lady calls in and says that after having three dates with this guy they went to get married. However, the Catholic Church told them they refused to marry the lovebirds and they ended up getting "divorced." They have been together now for six years and when the host asked if they have had sex, the caller said, “yes,” because the Church said it was OK. Actually, the caller clarified this by saying that her boyfriend said that someone from the Church told him that this was permissible.
OK, time to see how I did this week with my NFL pickkks.
Buffalo at Miami. Correct.
Well, I was wrong about Miami winning, but I was predicting a close win for the Dolphins and went with the Bills. And since I’m going by point spreads I win. Yippie.
Carolina at Minnesota. Correct.
I predicted another upset by the Vikings, and I was right, thanks to a bone-head play on a Carolina fourth-quarter punt return, or lack thereof. I saw the Vikings play the Steelers in the preseason and was impressed with them, so in a way I’m pulling for this team.
Cleveland at Cincinnati. Correct.
Was there any doubt? I was flipping between this game and the Giants/Eagles contest, and I was fortunate enough to be watching when that Cleveland defender leveled Chad Johnson. I wonder if Chad is going to mark up on his scorecard that this week went to the opposing defense?
Detroit at Chicago. Wrong.
Roy Williams, how could you do this to me? YOU GAURANTEED A WIN THIS WEEK! I went with the Lions based solely on your promise of a victory against a team that is better than yours in every aspect of the game and yet you continue to let me down. How can I ever take you seriously ever again, Roy? I mean, it’s stupid how close I came this week from predicting 14 correct games, and thanks to you this dream was shattered into a thousand shards. If I can’t trust the predictions of a wide receiver that has done jack shit in his NFL career, whom can I trust? I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at you the same way after this game, Roy. I’m sorry, but once you take advantage of my trusting nature, I’m worse than a bride who was jilted at the altar. You’re going to have to earn my respect after your boldface lying about how the Lions were going to come out of Week 2 with a 1-1 record, but sadly I don’t think you’ll be able to do that for quite some time. I want you to remember this moment, Roy. Remember how you let down the dozens of people who took your so-called ironclad lock of win. Remember your team’s inability to perform on the field. Remember this moment, Roy, as when you hit rock bottom. That is until you strap up those pads for next week’s game and the cycle of futility begins again.
Houston at Indianapolis. Correct.
This isn’t really fair. I hope for the Texans’ sake they are able to play better against mediocre opponents.
New Orleans at Green Bay. Correct.
New Orleans is 2-0 against bad teams. I guess that’s better than being 1-1 or 0-2. I can’t wait until they start playing some good teams so we can squash all the talk about the Saints being a playoff contender.
N.Y. Giants at Philadelphia. Wrong.
Son of a bitch. I watched the first half of this game and was impressed with the Eagles play, and then they go and piss it all away in the fourth quarter. On top of that, Emily Manning and Plaxico Burress showed some stones and pulled out the victory. Having seen Plex play in Shittsburgh, I always felt he had talent. However, there is a moment that will I will forever remember him by. After the Steelers lost to the Patriots in the AFC Conference Championship in 2004-2005 season, while Burress was complaining in the locker room about not getting the ball enough (despite him dropping a touchdown-scoring pass), fellow receiver Hines Ward was crying and promising a trip to the Super Bowl next year. Now which player do you think the Steeler fans supported and which player do you think they wanted to see head out of town?
Oakland at Baltimore. Wrong.
Man, not only is Oakland bad, they can’t even score those meaningless end-of-game touchdowns while the other team is just sitting back and letting the clock run down.
Tampa Bay at Atlanta. Wrong.
Is Atlanta really that improved from last y ear, or did Tampa Bay really drop off that much from 2005?
Arizona at Seattle. Correct.
Seattle and the NFC West is like Indianapolis and the AFC South. These divisional victories should count as half-wins or something.
St. Louis at San Francisco. Wrong.
I have no idea about the Rams. I was hoping they would build off their home win last week, but I was wrong on this one. I will manage to get some sleep tonight. I’m not sure how, but I will.
Kansas City at Denver. Wrong.
Denver won. Yippie. They didn’t win by double-digits. Shit.
New England at N.Y. Jets. Wrong.
I watched this game on television, and it’s amazing how the Patriots were able to move on the Jets even with no receivers. Also, those two touchdown catches by the New York receivers were fun to watch, and it even gave me hope that this could be the AFC’s version of the Giants/Eagles game from earlier in the day. Of course I was hoping for the Jets to pull within 6 points; I didn’t care if they won this game or not.
Tennessee at San Diego. Correct.
I asked what would be the larger number – the Chargers final score or Philip Rivers’ pass attempts. Score: 40. Pass Attempts: 35.
Washington at Dallas. Wrong.
I was wrong on this one because I though the game would be closer. Now we get to see the sports media over-hype Terrell Owens’ finger injury and ponder time and time again if he will or will not play in Philadelphia a few weeks from now. Goodie.
Pittsburgh at Jacksonville. Correct.
Now I get to hear the tales of woe from the local sports idiots in my neck of the woods. The Steelers played a team that is like them in many ways. The Steelers played a team that was 12-4 last year. The Steelers played a team that beat them at home in the regular season last year. This defeat shouldn’t have been a surprise. One thing I took note of was the ESPN announcers talk regarding Byron Leftwich and his self-described inability to run, especially considering his race and the position he plays.
I never saw Byron Leftwich as a black quarterback, ever … ever…
Is it OK for me to play quarterback, even though I have trouble scrambling out of the pocket?
Overall Score: 8-8. Cumulative Score: 17-15. Hooray for mediocrity.
• So it was late Saturday night and I was flipping through channels looking for something worthwhile to watch. I then stumbled across this “Black.White.” show on FX. Now I had seen previews for this thing, and it was about this black family who got painted white and this white family who got painted black. I guess the purpose of this stupid idea was for each family to walk a mile (or a month) in the other family's shoes and learn about racial harmony and all that other gay stuff. I had no intention of watching this shit, but you'll take what you can get when it’s late at night and you don’t feel like moving from the couch.
Holy fuck is this an awful show.
I watched the season finale, and thank God I skipped to the end of this stupid show. Although I was off in my over/under prediction on how long it would be before one of the white people were branded a RACIST by one of the the ni—, err, someone from the African-American family (I had my money on the second half of the show; the father got hit with the “R” word in the first half hour), there was still plenty of insanity to keep me entertained. One highlight for me was the 17-year old white chick that was in tears because the people in her urban poetry class (or whatever those stupid groups are call who try to sound like Digable Planets) were tearing apart her poems. I could comment more about the goofy white mom who was trying to understand why the troubled black youth from the other family was anti-social, but I have to get to the best part of this show.
I mentioned the black family had a teen-age son. I guess he’s running afoul of the law or something. Now I don’t know exactly what went on in previous episodes, nor do I care to find out, but this kid’s parents were worried that he was going down the wrong path. So what did they do? The took him to the Museum of Tolerance.
The Museum of Tolerance.
The Museum of Mother Fucking Tolerance.
For the South Park fans out there who remember Lemiwinks and Mr. Slave fist appearance, yes, there is such a thing as the Museum of Tolerance. Don’t believe me? Check it out for yourself. I will never brush aside anything Trey Parker Matt and Stone ever put into their shows again. I’m now convinced that my idiot boss is a crab person.
Anyway, if you ever stumble across this “Black.White.” show, do yourself a favor and just watch the season finale so you can witness for yourself the Museum of Tolerance. And if you should ever pay a visit to the Museum of Tolerance, find out for me if they have a smoking section.
• Speaking of tolerance, a while back I goofed on my pals from across the Pond because a British theme park was going to have a “Muslim Day.” I laughed too soon. My favorite parts from this article:
Great, so now we have to chalk up waiting in long lines for a roller coaster ride as one of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male. In addition, how can "the cries of Allahu Akbar would be heard everywhere" when there are no infidels allowed in the park during the Great Muslim Adventure Day?
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura call of the day (or whenever I feel like doing this): This Mexican chick calls and says that she is divorced with two kids – ages 6 and 4. She then said that she’s been divorced for 4 years. When the host asks why was she knocked up at the same time she was splitting up with the ex, the caller responds, “Because his parents told him to leave me.” She then complains that he never visits his kids and when the subject of her moving back to her parents' house is brought up, the caller says she can never go back because her two kids (ages 6 and 4) told her that they want to have their own place.
Runner-up: This 13-year old boy called and said that he has this girl “friend” that is overweight and has no self-esteem. All the boys in school like this girl’s mom who “parties and gets down” with this kid’s friends at her house and at various school functions.
Time to see which teams I have for this week’s NFL games. Remember that I’m using point spreads from my kkk Bowl contest, and I have put in virtually no research other than what I may have heard in the news over the past week.
Buffalo at Miami (6.5)
Buffalo played tough last week while Miami lost to the Super Bowl champs. I think Miami will win, but not by six-and-a-half points.
(1.5) Carolina at Minnesota
Steve Smith is out and the Vikings are returning home after a Week 1 victory at Washington. The Carolina defensive line versus the Minnesota offensive line will be an interesting match-up. I’ll take the Vikings at home.
Cleveland at Cincinnati (10.5)
The question for me is how bad will the Bengals beat their in-state rivals. I’ll wager it’ll be in the double digits, so I’ll take Cincinnati in their home opener.
Detroit at Chicago (8.5)
Lions wide receiver Roy Williams said Detroit was going to win this game. He guaranteed it. He promised. When has Roy Williams ever let me down before? Roy, I'm taking your word on this. Don't fuck with my emotions.
Houston at Indianapolis (13.5)
Indianapolis always toys with Houston, but will they play with them enough to win by two touchdowns? Sure, why not – it’s early in the season and Peyton Manning needs to get those stats up by feasting on the weaker teams in his division.
(1.5) New Orleans at Green Bay
The old (Brett Favre) versus the new (Reggie Bush). Can New Orleans go up 2-0 at the start of this young NFL season? With the way Green Bay played last week, I’ll say why not.
N.Y. Giants at Philadelphia (3.5)
It’s one of those NFC East contests where anything goes. Will the Eagles be better than last year’s 6-10 team, or will the Giants drop off from their division-winning campaign of the 2005-06 season? I think I'll go with the Eagles because they improved more from last year than the Giants.
Oakland at Baltimore (12.5)
Will the Oakland Train Wreck Express continue with a stop in Baltimore? Probably. Will the Ravens win by a dozen points? I don’t know. I’ll put my hopes on the Raiders scoring a late touchdown with the Ravens playing prevent defense to drop Baltimore's victory to single digis.
Tampa Bay at Atlanta (5.5)
Tampa looked like crap last week. Will they bounce back this week against their division foes? I’m not sure, but I’ll predict the score will be closer than last week’s contests for both teams, which has me siding with the Bucs on this one.
Arizona at Seattle (7.5)
Will Seattle play like they did last week, or will Arizona upset the defending NFC Conference Champs? I’ll go with Seattle against that Cardinals defense.
(3.5) St. Louis at San Francisco
St. Louis looked good at home last week, so I’ll predict them looking svelte on the road against San Francisco.
Kansas City at Denver (10.5)
The Chiefs still have Larry Johnson, but they also have a backup quarterback starting the game. I’ll go with the Broncos at home.
(6.5) New England at N.Y. Jets
It’s a battle between master and pupil on the sidelines this week. The Jets played the Titans tough last week, and the Patriots struggled against the Bills. With that point spread, I’m going with New York.
Tennessee at San Diego (11.5)
San Diego looked good last week, while Tennessee made it game with the Jets. The Chargers will probably win, but will they cover the spread? I’ll say sure. The real bet ought to be will San Diego score more points than their quarterback throw passes.
Washington at Dallas (5.5)
Both are NFC East teams. Both are winless in Week 1. I think the Cowboys will win, but not by the margin listed above.
(1.5) Shittsburgh at Jacksonville
This game is going to be physical and nasty. Even though the Steelers won here two seasons ago, they always seem to have problems down in Jacksonville. For that reason, I’ll go with the Jags.
• So Bill Clinton said a few words at Ann Richards’ funeral, and afterward Richards’ daughter thanked him for, and I quote, "all the great times that you shared with our mom." Sigh. Anyway, here’s something to ponder: if Ann would have just defeated W. in that governor’s race so many moons ago, just imagine what the world might be like today. And I’m sure you commies out there reading this are probably having different thoughts than me right now. You’re probably thinking about unnecessary wars and record deficits. I’m thinking about Al Gore being in a second term with Hitlery getting primed (more so than she is now) to take over the White House in ’08. One person’s heaven is another person’s hell, I guess.
• I know dick about college football, but these last two weeks have been great. First it was Penn State getting crushed by Notre Dame a week ago, and now today Michigan manhandled the Irish by a score of 47-21. Woo-hoo. Two teams I hate. Two weeks with one of them getting a beat down. But hey, the Nittany Lions sure showed those Youngstown State Penguins today, beating them 37-3.
• Some guy named Michael Kuhnhausen hired a hit man (allegedly, of course) that attacked his estranged wife with a claw hammer as she entered her house. The woman then strangled to death her attacker. But wait, it gets better. Inside a backpack the hit man had with him was a day planner that had the entry, “Call Mike, Get letter.” If you’re going to get someone to off your wife, I think it would be in your best interests to look for someone who didn’t clean up spooge at the porn shop you are employed at.
• So the FDA doesn’t want me to eat spinach because it could possibly contain E. coli -- now do you hippies understand my reasoning behind my “All authority must be questioned” response Political Compass question? Sometimes Big Brother really does know what’s good for you.
• Artic seals are now being found in North Carolina. Maybe those global-warming people have a point. Then again, wouldn't that mean the water is getting colder? Or is that because the ice caps are melting, making the oceans chillier? Ah hell, I've lost track what is and isn't a result of global warming.
• There seems to be a brouhaha going on in Europe about models that are “too thin.” First there was a stink at some stupid Madrid fashion show, and now Britain is getting in on the action. I never understood people in the fashion industry find 80-pound women walking up and down some runway to be appealing to the eyes. Watching chicks that make Laura Flynn Boyle look like Rosie O’ Donnell doesn’t make me want to buy the latest fashions from Paris. Then again, most of these fashion designers are queer anyway, so it’s not like they know what constitutes a good-looking woman. Give me a regular-sized, normal-looking chick wearing jeans and a t-shirt with some sports logo on the front over some string bean with tits smaller than my knuckles wearing a backless outfit that’s exposing her ribs to anyone unlucky enough to pass her by.
And speaking of Ms. Boyle, I found this tidbit from Wikipedia:
Guess Laura wasn't thin enough.
• The other day this lady from Comcast called and asked if I would like to take part in a survey. Normally I don’t pick up the phone when it comes to telemarketers, and I hang up on them without a second thought if one manages to slip past my Caller I.D. However, I have a soft spot in my heart for these survey people. First off, they’re not trying to sell me anything. Secondly, if I give them my input chances are the company they work for might cater more to my interests. Thirdly, I used to work as one of these phone survey people. Granted my time of employment at this profession was just seven hours, but it was seven hours nevertheless. When I moved to Sappy Valley in early 1999, I needed a job right away to pay the rent. I saw an ad for phone interviewers, and I figured this would be an easy way to earn a few dollars, especially since the ad mentioned the people we were to be interviewing had already agreed to take part. Of course I was outright lied to in the interview when I asked, still a bit wary about the “arranged interviews” part of that classified, if there would be any cold calling. I was told “no,” but when I sat down by my phone I was given a sheet of names and numbers. No cold-calling my ass. I gave it a go, but after my first day’s six-hour shift and one hour into my second day of work I had enough and left. There were pre-arranged interviews that some people were doing, but most of us were doing this cold-calling shit. It was then that I realized many people (or to put it more precisely, two out of every hundred) don’t like taking phone surveys.
When this Comcast lady called, I asked her right away how long this was going to take. I added that I didn’t really care; I just wanted an idea of how long I’d be on the phone. This question, at least in my personal experience, usually results in a customer hang-up, and I could tell this lady was hesitant to tell me. After answering some basic multiple-choice questions from the script that she was rushing to get through, we went our separate ways; me to exercise, her to probably get rejected by 49 other people before finding that next person willing to let her know how many times in a month he or she orders premium movies from Comcast’s On Demand service (my answer to this question was, of course, “no,” because I’m a cheap bastard). One thing that took me by surprise though was the question of where do movies first become available after they leave the theater – on DVD for sale, on DVD for rent, on premium channels, or on pay-per-view/On Demand services. I thought movies, for the most part, came out on pay-per-view or on HBO before heading to Best Buy, but I guess I was wrong considering the next question this lady asked went something like, “If recently released movies came out on On Demand before they were made available for sale or renting would you be more/less likely to order it On Demand.” Oh well. Hopefully my responses to this survey will results in Comcast scrapping its pay-per-view services and instead giving all Digital Cable subscribers fresh-from-the-theater box-office features in the “Free Movies” section of On Demand. Then again maybe not.
• The New York Islanders, who just promoted Goalie Garth Snow to the position of general manager, signed a player to a 15-year contract. And who says there’s not continuity in sports? Granted Rick DiPietro was a bitch to score on in NHL ’06, but I wouldn’t be giving him $67 million dollars over a decade-and-a-half for this accomplishment.
The NBA gives Magic Johnson 25 years; the NHL gives Rick DiPietro 15. Ok then.
• First Steve Irwin gets killed by a stingray. Now this shocking development.
• El Luchadore Magnifico may not be on my Top 103 Posters list, but his blog holds a special spot in my heart. Sure he may not talk sports like Bored and Al Keiper, "ramble" like Hawk34 or … um, well there’s always Lovecraft or whatever he’s calling himself nowadays, but how can you top this:
• Gotta feel for the ladies on this one. You know how whenever you see a fellow person of the testicular persuasion catch one in the groin you give a little “sympathy cringe,” imagining what the pain must feel like? Well, I’m guessing popping out a 14-pound, 13-ounce kid would be the female equivalent.
• Uh-oh. Allah's going to be pissed. Again. From Ratzinger's speech:
Muslims, get the fuck over yourselves already. You think this and a couple of cartoons is bad? Just wait until you start shelling out your tax dollars (that is if you people have enough spare time from burning American flags and declaring jihads on infidels to actually have a job) for someone to submerge a picture of Mohammed (if one can be found) in a jar of pee or make a painting of him covered in cow poop. You know when I’ll start taking you people and your precious Allah seriously? When someone enters one of your market squares, rattles off a few Muslim jokes, and instead of the jokester getting beheaded you people say, “That’s a good one. Say, did you hear the one about the Priest at the confessional and the yellow holy water?” Until we get to this point, which will be never, I say to you and your jihad to Ratzinger and the rest of the West…
...bring it, bitches.
• No matter who you are, there’s always a bigger dog in the yard.
That show of his is one of those programs where if I’m channel surfing and come across it I’ll watch it for a few minutes before moving on. Sometimes I’ll watch them catch some crackhead, but most of the time after five minutes I’m asking myself, “Why do I have this on?” Another program I treat in a similar fashion is that “Miami Ink” show. It’s about some Florida tattoo shop and we get to see these people get paid for defiling willing patrons. Actually, from the shows I’ve seen, many of the customers have rather touching reasons for wanting various tattoos inked onto them. One person wanted to remember her father. Another wanted a portrait of his son, while a lady got one of her kid who died too soon. I’m sure this store also gets its share of drunks who will wake up the next day wondering how they got a grim reaper holding a can of beer on their shoulder blade, but there’s probably a reason why these ink sessions don’t make it on the air.
While I’m on the subjects of tattoos, I’m rather indifferent to them. If you want to brand yourself, then go for it. As for me, I have marked up my body enough; I don’t need to pay someone to do it for me. There’s that scar I got on my right thigh when I was a kid chasing pigeons just outside the Carnegie Museum. Then I have that marking on my left which reminded me as a pre-teen not to go biking on those sloped curbs. How I didn’t break any bones from that incident is beyond me.
Speaking of breaking bones, I’ve been pretty lucky in this regard, too. The only time my idiotic behavior resulted in a cast or splint when I tried to slide uphill into a coiled-up garden hose that was acting as first base in a backyard baseball game. Not only did I dislocate my right middle and ring finger knuckles, but I was also called out. To make matters worse, a day or so later I was playing some Capture the Flag-like game late at night and unknowingly hid in a patch of poison ivy. That was not a fun summer vacation, especially since all this happened just one week before my junior year of high school. But if this is the worst I have done to my body when it came to doing stupid shit as a kid, then I consider myself extremely fortunate.
• This story caught my attention because I was born on the year he escaped and began living his second life. Yeah he had a real "mental" condition. That's why he was able to evade the law for three decades. Fuck him. And what is up with stabbing someone to death in 1964 and then being eligible for parole in 1980? Yet another reason you need to off anyone trying to harm you or someone you care about – you sure as fuck aren’t going to get any assistance from the State in this matter.
• I just found an update on the Dog situation. I guess I could joke about how Mr. Dog jumped bail, but what really got the big LOL was the bolded part of the article below. It’s nice to know that the Mexican government cares about at least of their own crossing the U.S. border. Now how about you guys doing something about the million-plus other people from your shit hole of a country that do the same thing every year? Oh well, at least the Dog family has some fresh material for sweeps.
• When WPGB, my local FM RIGHT-WING RADIO station, set up shop in the Shittsburgh market a few years ago, one of its marketing gimmick was to goof on the other talk-radio stations in the area, particularly KDKA, that catered to an older demographic. When WPGB took Rush's show away from KDKA, one of the lines they used to announce this coup was something to the extent was that Rush would no longer be a victim of the "left-wing conspiracy" of Pirates baseball, which pre-empted regular radio programming on KDKA whenever it was time for the Bucs to go out there and lose once again. God only knows why regular programming took a backseat – it’s the freaking Pirates. Anyway, on the way to work today guess what I heard on the radio?
The left-wing cabal that is the Pirates will now be heard on WPGB starting next year. God damnit. I found this line to be particularly rich.
Well you people sure as fuck aren't in the business of winning games.
• Now this is some sad news.
RIGHT-WING RADIO has been seizing more reasons why regressive talk radio is unpopular than Hitler seized land during World War II.
Uh, wait a minute. Let me hit the rewind button.
Let me hit it again.
Uh, OK.
Well I now know why Jerry Springer chose to dance with the stars.
I really don’t care if Air America goes down the shitter or gains 500 stations. What I really cared about were the comments after this article.
Jason M. Hendler, before you begin posting here, why don’t you make a call for the Pres. Reagan docu-drama to be broadcast?
By the way, didn’t Rush Limbaugh have a television show that flopped harder and faster than Air America radio? I’ll be nobody wants to bring THAT news up.
I’ve heard many truck drivers and elderly people calling into Air America claiming they’ve been converted. We can’t cede any format to the right.
that’s too bad. hopefully they can keep operating into the distant future. they certainly gained lots of ground reaching new markets in the past couple years. I’m not a fan of Clear Channel, but their support shows a need in the market for the liberal format. They wouldn’t do it if they didn’t think they’d make a lot of money.
R.I.P., Air America. If it had been a right-wing network, this administration would have secretly funneled millions of dollars into it. Ya know, if they happen to do that sort of thing.
Whatever happens to Air America, the “stars” on their roster will continue in some way, shape, or form.
I’m sad to see Air America on the ropes, but very glad to hear that Clear Channel is doing a talent search for progressives.
If that happens, a lot of radio stations will have dead air if they don’t replace the programming themselves…
And since when do regressives look to Clear Channel as being a savior rather than a tool of the devil?
• I guess it's not all gloom and doom for Commie Radio. There are those feminazis who are backing a network that provides nine hours of programming per day (but it will soon increase to TWELVE) on several radio stations. Will there be bra burning, men hating or any of that other good stuff I've come to expect from these chicks that need dicks? Nah, there'll be discussions about plastic surgery, cooking and spring cleaning.
• And speaking of women doing radio, it's now time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this). This caller has never been married and has two kids with two different men. She’s currently living at her father’s house and has stayed there for a few years. Her dad watches the kids free of charge while she works overnights (as a babysitter). This woman is mad because her father said that he’s going out of state for a week because he’s helping his one friend move. The reason she’s upset? He won’t be able to watch her kids.
• If you don’t know what I’m doing, go read Sunday's entry. These predictions were made before the Sunday games, and I’m not going to change them based on opening weekend results.
Holy divisional matchups, Batman. Indianapolis at Jacksonville, New England at Miami, Philadelphia at Washington and Denver at San Diego. There’s also Atlanta at Tampa Bay, Baltimore at Kansas City and New York at Carolina. As much as I want to see Emily Manning crushed again by Carolina, Indianapolis at Jacksonville always seems to produce a good contest.
This is like Week 14, only in reverse. Shittsburgh at Carolina looks to be a safe bet, and Kansas City at San Diego could have playoff implications. However, I’m afraid that Philadelphia at New York might get the green light due to media market reasons. Fuck that. I’m going with Kansas City at San Diego because of my East Coast bias.
Baltimore at Shittsburgh usually produces a physical game. If Atlanta can somehow be in the playoff picture, their match with Carolina could be interesting. New England at Jacksonville would be a repeat of last year’s Wild Card game. Cincinnati at Denver and San Diego at Seattle look are my finalists. I’ll go with Cincinnati at Denver.
This will be tricky. Some good teams could be resting starters and some so-so teams will be in the fight for their playoff lives. Jacksonville at Kansas City, Miami at Indianapolis, Shittsburgh at Cincinnati stand out the most for me this week. Gotta go divisional once again: Shittsburgh at Cincinnati.
• Speaking of predictions, let's see how well I fared with my Week 1 picks.
Miami at Shittsburgh. Wrong.
I love how after the Steelers fumbled near the goal line after a nine-minute, 16-play drive they then responded with an 80+ yard touchdown pass on the first play of their next possession.
Atlanta at Carolina. Correct.
Good thing I wasn't sure with which divisional foe has Vick's number.
Baltimore at Tampa Bay. Wrong
I'm going to pretend this game never happened.
Buffalo at New England. Wrong.
The Pats won, but didn't cover.
Cincinnati at Kansas City. Wrong.
This one hurt almost as much as that Trent Green hit. And while I'm on this subject, I wonder if all the Cincinnati fans who bitched about the "dirty" hit on Carson Palmer last year in the playoffs will say anything about the cheap shot given to the Chiefs quarterback.
Denver at St. Louis. Wrong.
Great job by new Rams defensive coordinator Jim Haslet.
New Orleans at Cleveland. Correct.
Let the Bush blow jobs begin.
N.Y. Jets at Tennessee. Correct.
Was there any doubt?
Philadelphia at Houston. Correct.
I wonder who ESPN will suck off more this year? Reggie Bush or Donovan McNabb?
Seattle at Detroit. Wrong.
Wow. I don't now if Detroit played tough or if Seattle just continued sucking at Ford Field.
Chicago at Green Bay. Correct.
I said that I was smelling upset, but the only things "upset" were Packer fans. Good thing I try not to follow my nose.
Dallas at Jacksonville. Wrong.
Good game. Bad pick.
San Francisco at Arizona. Correct.
That late 49er field goal made quite an impact on this week's pick 'em contest.
Indianapolis at N.Y. Giants. Correct.
I don't know where I saw the Mannings more -- on the field or in the commercials.
Minnesota at Washington. Correct.
One of the few upset picks I got right.
San Diego at Oakland. Correct.
My favorite "Black Hole" fan is the guy in the Vader outfit. If I paid to watch my favorite team put up this big a stinker, I'd wear a mask, too.
Overall score: 9-7. I guess this would get me into the playoffs some years.
Today is a somber occasion for the New York/New England area. Thanks to some events beyond the control of many Northeasterners, this brave group of folks must join together today to cope with and possibly overcome the day’s tragic events.
But enough of talking about the New England Patriots trading wide receiver Deion Branch to the Seattle Seahawks for a 2007 draft pick.
Today marks the five-year anniversary of the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks. Now it would be convenient for me to say how this event affected my worldview, but it really did not. On this day five years ago I woke up at around 10-10:30 a.m., ate breakfast, did a few odds and ends around my Middletown, Ohio, townhouse, and then went to peruse on-line job listings, among a few other Internet-related Web sites that unemployed men frequent with when they’re home alone (ain’t nothing like playing on-line backgammon in your underwear). As I turned on the radio to listen to Rush, I knew something was not right; a newscast was being aired, and it was well past the top-of-the-hour news update. For several minutes I didn’t know what was going on and was impatiently waiting for either Drudge’s Web site (I still had dialup at the time) or the radio news to tell me that a couple of airplanes had crashed into the World Trade Center. When I finally heard what happened, I didn’t gasp, cry or feel like we were in a state of WWIII. Even when I had the television news on later that day and saw those politicians in D.C. break out into song, I rolled my eyes over how phony this “spontaneous” moment seemed. (I can’t remember what they were singing – either “God Bless America” or “America the Beautiful.”) I guess all this makes me a terrorist. I wasn’t cheering for more American deaths, but I didn’t have a life-changing moment during this day. Oh well, at least I wasn’t laughing at people jumping from the Twin Towers.
The odd thing about 9/11 is that while it didn’t really affect me all that much, it was the exact opposite for the better half. Ever since we met in 1997, we were polar opposites when it came to current events. I was the cynical newsy curmudgeon who was hooting and hollering on Election Night as Bush stole won his first presidential term -- OMGSELECTEDNOTELECTEDLOL2000! She was the one who would take charge of the remote control when I would step away for a moment and turn to the Cartoon Network so she could watch “Angry Beavers,” or that stupid “Rocco’s Modern Life.” We didn’t talk politics and she didn’t vote. She didn’t mind Bill Clinton as president, but she knew nothing about him other than he got a hummer from some intern in the Oval Office. When 9/11 hit, it changed her outlook on life. She didn’t break down and start wailing like someone being “saved” at a Baptist church, but I could tell there was some uneasiness (well, more so than usual – you’d be the same if you had to live with me in sin). Yes, she was one of those people who went out and bought an American flag days after this terrorist attack. In fact, the flag she bought was so damn big it was too heavy for its holder and couldn’t stand upright on our front steps. She also bought one of those car ribbon-sticker things that came out en masse shortly thereafter, which is still on her car today in all of its faded glory. In addition, she began paying attention to current events; it was weird to have her come home from classes and start asking me what I thought about a specific news story of the day.
Because five years have jaded me even more than I was back in 2001, I’m going to go back into the arkkkives and see what I wrote about this event shortly after it happened. From September 18, 2001:
If the 9/11 terrorist attacks made you re-think your life and what was really important to you, then cool. If it made you into a better person (or at least a “better person” by your definition), then rock on. However, if you were on the sideline wondering why you weren't feeling the same wave of “patriotism” because you didn’t buy a flag the day after 9/11, or if you skipped some “freedom rally” held a week or so after these attacks, don’t worry: you weren’t alone. For some of us, it takes a really unbelievable event to occur in order for our faith to be tested, like, say, the Pirates winning the World Series.
Each year when the NFL season gets under way just about every sports journalist and fan out there starts making predictions from which team will have a "breakout" season to which team will win the Super Bowl. No, I won't be doing this today. (I already made my AFC and NFC "Division Results" entries a while back, and I can't wait to see how wrong my predictions turn out.) I'm going to try something different.
This year, starting with Week 10, instead of having a pre-determined Sunday Night game penciled in the NFL schedule months before Week 1's opening kick-off, the league will wait until 12 days before determining which match-ups get a prime-time slot. (Week 17’s game of the week will only be announced 6 days prior.)
What I’m going to do in this entry is guess each Week’s Sunday Night game. Below are the match-ups for all Sunday games for Weeks 10-13. (I’ll do Weeks 14-17 in a future entry.) At the end of each week’s list of games I’ll make my prediction along with some spur-of-the-moment thoughts.
Chicago at N.Y. Giants might be a classic “defense (Chicago) v. offense (New York)” match-up, as could be the Kansas City at Miami game. San Diego at Cincinnati looks to be a good one to watch, also. We also have Washington at Philadelphia, but I have a feeling one of those teams will be in the crapper by this time and pretty much out of playoff contention. (In addition, NBC will be airing these games, not ESPN.) I’d like to see San Diego at Cincinnati, but because of the media bias factor I’ll go with Chicago at New York.
Atlanta at Baltimore might be interesting. (Can Ray Lewis chase down Michael Vick?) However, will both teams be worth watching by Week 11? Indianapolis at Dallas looks like it has potential. Minnesota at Miami: Daunte’s return! Washington at Tampa Bay would be a return to a Wild Card game from last year. San Diego at Denver would make for a nice inter-division game. If Minnesota becomes a surprise team, I could see them airing Minnesota at Miami in prime-time, but I’m going with the safe pick: Indianapolis at Dallas.
Carolina at Washington and Chicago at New England are both in the running this week. So are Philadelphia at Indianapolis and Shittsburgh at Baltimore. This week also shows why the NFL went with this “flex” scheduling. I’m certain that all eight teams mentioned above will not be in playoff contention. So instead of taking a chance of New England having an off-year with all the players they lost this past off-season, or praying Carolina doesn’t get hit with the injury (or steroid) bug, it makes more sense to wait 12 days before this week’s games to determine which game would appeal most to a nationwide audience. Because I’m making my selection three months in advance rather than a dozen days, I’m going with Carolina at Washington because both teams were in the playoffs last year, and each franchise won at least one game during their time in the postseason.
Atlanta at Washington? Nah. Dallas at New York looks like a contender. Jacksonville at Miami – the battle of Florida. Minnesota at Chicago might be a big one if both teams manage to win outside the NFC North. Tampa Bay at Shittsburgh and Seattle at Denver features both Super Bowl teams squaring off against a playoff opponent from last year, albeit from the other conference. I think Jacksonville at Miami might be a sleeper pick, but once again I’m going with the safer Seattle at Denver.
Developing...
• So that shithead who has been on the run for months, shooting several police officers and killing one, has finally been caught. Good. Fuck him. And fuck his family members who (allegedly) aided in his avoiding the law. One question, though: why are the media including the “Bucky” into his name Ralph “Bucky” Phillips? I think "Ralph Phillips" or "Bucky Phillips" would do just fine. Is there another criminal named Ralph Phillips out there pissed off because "Bucky" is giving him a bad name? I could see having the "Bucky" in there when he first escaped because people from the areas where he used to live might know him by this nickname, but now he's caught. I think it's safe to say we can drop the "Bucky." And if someone needs the "Bucky" to realize who this douche is...
... then that person should have to apply for a license in order to breed.
• Two entries ago I commented on the pro-censorship Democrats who don’t want some hippie ABC 9/11 Docudrama to be aired and thought back to how a few years ago the roles were reversed with that stupid “Reagans” mini-series. Now I'm taking a trip down memory lane again thanks to an upcoming political ad that's going to be used in a Virginia Senatorial race.
Upon hearing this story, I’m reminded of how it was just a few years ago when a pro-tax cut group used John F. Kennedy in some ads back in March of 2001. What did I say about it back then? Let's take a trip to the arkkkives back on March 14, 2001:
Both dead presidents? Check.
Both being used for political gain by the other side? Check.
Run the Reagan ads and let the pundit-hysteria commence.
• Well Brad Pitt won’t marry Angelina Jolie until everybody can marry, regardless of sexual preference. Uh, OK. I guess I probably could go down the conventional right-wing route and whine about how the Hollywoodliberalelite should just shut up and make movies and not spout their commie beliefs to red-state America. Maybe I should also lament back to when Pitt made that “Seven Years in Tibet” movie, and Time magazine asked for his opinion about the China-Taiwan situation to which he replied, “What do I know? I’m an actor.” Nah, I’m not going to do any of this. Instead I have to give my brother from another mother a pound, thug-style yo. If only I had thought up this idea a few years ago. “Sorry dear, we can’t get married until Tom and Steve are allowed to do the same.” Brilliant. I guess I could say that if Pitt and Jolie became Canadian citizens then they could get hitched, but I’m not going to player-hate on Pitt’s strategy.
• Former TWA workers are picketing their own union. Rock on. When it’s union versus union, which side vandalizes the automobiles?
• So some states will need to put welfare recipients in a job or risk losing federal money. I think the biggest problem will be getting these people to stay at a place of employment for longer than 20 minutes -- either that or managing a flex schedule that doesn’t interfere with these people’s television viewing habits. Judge Joe Brown > Becoming more self-reliant. Wait, did I say states had to find welfare recipients "employment"? I meant "job training, community service or other work activities." Wow, that welfare reform. How heartless.
• Tomorrow is going to be weird for me. With every sport there are a few teams that you either like or hate with no gray area in-between. In Major League Baseball, the most prominent example of this is the New York Yankees. One example of this happening in the NFL is with the Dallas Cowboys. When it comes to college football, I consider Notre Dame to be one of these teams; count me in the group that doesn’t like the Fighting Irish. I don’t know why I dislike Notre Dame, I just never did. The only reason I can think of off the top of my head is that when they played the University of Colorado in some bowl game years ago, I liked Colorado because the team ran out onto the field with their buffalo mascot. I also got sick of media hype given to “The Rocket” Ishmael. Stupid reasons to be sure, but they’re reasons nevertheless. All this changes tomorrow when Notre Dame plays host to the Penn State Nittany Lions. Having lived a year-and-a-half in Sappy Valley, I can say that if Mohammad-Abdul ever decides to put a jihad on that stupid lion statue that just about every PSU student poses at during his or her time at this shithole in the center of Pennsylvania, I’ll chip in for the dynamite. Go Irish.
• Now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the day (or whenever I feel like doing this): Today’s caller has a son who lives far away and is about to get married (I think he’s in his 20s). The caller’s husband, who is the stepfather of her son, said that he doesn’t want to attend the wedding, nor does he want the caller to go to this blessed event. When the caller asked her hubby why he felt this way, the guy said because they already went on vacation last month and that this trip would cost too much money. Also, he’s afraid of flying. He added that if she goes to this wedding she might as well stay there because she’s “choosing her kids over him.”
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 56: Canadian Guitarist
A returning participant in my pick ‘em contest, he’s hoping to challenge C Dubya 04 and Vern Gagne for the NFC West Division title this year. Other than that I don’t know much about him. I do know that he works at Wal-Mart, and because he’s a self-professed hippie I can’t imagine he takes much joy in helping his employer take over the world. At least he checks out more than just the low-priced merchandise made in China while on the clock, and it doesn't matter what side of the register his chick of the day is standing at. Unfortunately he also thinks of other TSM posters while having sex, but hey, I don't care what he does to get his jollies as long as he submits his picks on time.
And now a word or two from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From SFA Jack:
From Cancer Marney:
• It appears some big bad Democrats are getting their panties in a knot over this ABC "9/11" movie, or whatever the hell it’s going to be called. “Waaaah. It’s not fair. There’s stuff in this special that wasn’t true.” I’m surprised that former National Security Advisor Sandy Burglar didn’t just swipe the video of this production, stuff it down his pants and walk out of the editing room. Actually, I don’t really care about this “9/11” movie, and I’m not going to watch it. I wonder if the same people bitching about this special also had the same passion about that hippie “The Reagans” movie made a few years ago? I thought that abortion would have made for a great sitcom. You could have started this program in the same way as the “Dick Van Dyke” show where Mr. Van Dyke walks into his living room, only to trip over a stool. When Ronnie does the same, he can be shown accidentally pushing on The Button, triggering a nuclear explosion. I can hear the music now.
Daaaaa da-da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da da
BOOM!
I’d watch that. For about 10 seconds. But that’s better than my usual attention span when it comes to network television.
• Paris Hilton got busted for driving under the influence (allegedly, of course). Outside of her driving while drunk, I don’t see the big deal. Considering her body weight, I’m sure it doesn’t take much to get her tipsy. Hell, it’s not like she’s all that rational when she’s sober to begin with. I think you’re a shithead if you drive while drunk, but if you don’t injure anybody other than yourself then I won't wish death upon you.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this): This chick had been in a relationship with this guy for 20+ months. The guy couldn’t find steady work in California and thus moved back to him hometown in Colorado where he got a job with his cousin. The caller said she is trying to “make this work” but just gets laughed at by the boyfriend. I’m not sure if she actually asked a question, but I did hear her cry on one occasion during this call.
Runner up: This guy lived with this chick for three years, and she popped out a kid. They split up and he has said that ever since then she has gone downhill. And I quote: “She lost her job, she lost her car, she lost her Section 8 Housing…” I didn’t hear what he said next because I was laughing too loud to hear.
• As if I don't have enough retarded features, here's one more: My NFL Pickkks of the Week. What I will do is predict which NFL teams will win or cover the spread this week. I'll be using the same spreads as I use for my kkk Bowl contest; the spreads are posted early in the week, so some games (like the Dolphins/Steelers) may seem a bit off. Too bad. I need all the help I can get. All my picks take about five seconds to determine and my commentary under each game is my first thought upon seeing each match-up and the point spread given for that game.
Miami at Shittsburgh (3.5)
I'm not buying Miami being a Super Bowl contender just yet (the season hasn't even started yet), but with Big Ben out and a number of Steelers with nagging injuries I'm taking the Dolphins.
Atlanta at Carolina (5.5)
Is Carolina one of those teams that plays well against Vick, or was that Tampa Bay (or both)? Shit. Just in case I'll side with Atlanta.
Baltimore at Tampa Bay (3.5)
It'll take a week or two for McNair to get adjusted to being a Raven.
Buffalo at New England (8.5)
High point spread, and will New England experience a drop-off this year? It's Week 1 so I'll go with the Pats offense over the Bills defense.
Cincinnati at Kansas City (3.5)
Two good offenses. The Bengals have a linebacker suspended for the first few games, so I'll give the ball the the Chiefs running game, which will be a better defense against Carson Palmer then the Kansas City starting eleven on that particular side of the ball.
(3.5) Denver at St. Louis
The AFC West is tough enough. Denver needs to relish out-of-division games against last year's non-playoff teams.
New Orleans at Cleveland (3.5)
Reggie Bush will make a big run or two and Chris Berman will spooge all over his notes.
N.Y. Jets at Tennessee (3.5)
I have no idea about this one.
(4.5) Philadelphia at Houston
I'm pulling for Houston in this one, but McNabb will make a big throw or two and Tom Jackson will spooge all over his notes.
(6.5) Seattle at Detroit
Seattle is going to take its Super Bowl loss out on the Lions. Poor kitties.
(3.5) Chicago at Green Bay
For some reason I'm smelling upset, but I've also been smelling how Favre has been playing for the last year or two.
Dallas at Jacksonville (2.5)
This is going to be a fun game. I'm taking Dallas just because of the points. If the Cowboys lose then ESPN's jihad on T.O. will reach epidemic proportions.
San Francisco at Arizona (7.5)
I think the Cards will win, but not by a touchdown.
(3.5) Indianapolis at N.Y. Giants
MATCHUP OF THE MANNINGS! MATCHUP OF THE MANNINGS!! OMG IT'S THE MATCHUP OF THE MANNINGS!!! Just when will they play against each other -- on special teams? I'm hoping Payton gets the best of his little sister.
Minnesota at Washington (4.5)
I'm sensing upset here.
(3.5) San Diego at Oakland
If Rivers plays bad against the Raiders, then the Bolts are in a world of trouble.
• Sure the Pirates suck, but there’s a silver lining around this dark cloud that has been above Shittsburgh for the past dozen-plus years. The Pirates are no longer in last place in the N.L. Central. And just who is currently occupying this division’s cellar? Why, it’s Racist Dusty and pals. If there’s one team or person out there that I want to see fail more than the Pirates, it’s Racist Dusty followed closely by Barry Bonds. Let’s go Bucs!
• This past weekend I was channel surfing and came across this special on a certain cable news network that makes all of us LOL in 2006. This hour-long program dealt with the cost of higher education and how much of a rip-off it is. During this broadcast we got to follow these middle-class parents who earned $125k/year and couldn’t afford to put their two daughters through college. Now this might have gotten a smidgen of sympathy from me had I heard that these kids also had jobs (they might have; I didn’t watch the entire special, but all signs pointed to “no” on this one), and when the father, who worked several jobs to try and pay for his daughters’ education, mentioned the prospect of his girls going to community college, he was greeted with laughter by his brats. While watching this family was aggravating enough, this special also highlighted the woes of some chick that burned through more than $100,000 in a quest for a Special Education Degree. When she got out of college she owed more than $80,000, and when asked how she was coping with this debt she talked about how all her friends buy retail-priced clothing while she has to look through a store’s BARGAIN RACK. She then began to cry.
• Yesterday featured the premiere of Katie Couric on the cBS Evening News. Don’t care. I don’t follow broadcast news, so why should I treat Katie any differently? I will defend her in one area though: I don’t remember NBC’s Brian Williams, ABC’s Charles Gibson or cBS’s Bob Schieffer being criticized for how they looked or what they wore.
• Oh man Allah’s going to be pissed:
Look at this head -- it's not even a real one chopped off from an unholy Westerner's neck.
• And there are those in the media who wonder why so many people hate them. Steve Irwin’s kids have just lost their father to a freak accident. One kid is eight-years old, the other one is two. Can we please refrain from headlines like "Kids of 'Crocodile Hunter' May Follow in His Footsteps" until these kids are old enough to, oh I don't know, be of legal age to work?
• Now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the day (or whenever I feel like doing this): This woman’s 18-year old daughter has had a continuous drug problem and wants to know if it would be a good idea if she should unknowingly sign up her daughter to take part in some nationally televised intervention program. What was the reason for the caller to take such drastic steps? Because three previous interventions with this kid have already failed.
• Oh, yeah. This will turn out well.
• No offense health nazis, but when someone orders a double quarter pounder with cheese and large fries, I don't think they care about their value meal's calorie content. Look, I get that people are getting fatter and fatter, but it's up to each individual to make the proper choices in regards to their health and nutrition. It's true fatty foods are out there now more than ever before, but there are also more healthier choices, too.
• I'm sure this Ahmadinejad guy from Iran probably doesn't care too much for my infidel lifestyle, what with me eating pork and letting the better half out of the house every now and then. I'm also quite certain he'd want to chop my head off if given a rusty saw and a video camera to tape the incident for broadcast on Al Jazeera. However, upon reading this headline, I'm sure there's at least a little common ground we can share: Ahmadinejad Seeks Purge of Liberal Profs.
• This made me laugh. I seem to remember years back a similar event happening in California. Some hippie group wanted businesses to pay their workers "living wages," but yet these commies wanted to be exempt from the laws they were advocating; they claimed that they couldn't afford to keep their workers if forced to shell out the same hourly wage as they wanted to impose on the rest of us.
• That Ryan Howard guy from the Phillies has been on a tear, and it’s possible that he could hit 60-plus home runs this season. One topic du jour around the sports-talk circuit has been that if Howard hits 62 round-trippers this sesaon should he be considered the “true” home-run king instead of those roided-up ballplayers currently at the top of the single-season homer list. I say hell no. For as much as I loathe Barry Bonds, until someone else surpasses his single-season total, let his single-season home-run record stand. And let this be a reminder of how MLB and the fans didn’t give a shit about whether or not the game was being played clean in the late 1990s and early 2000s. While I’m on this subject, boo-fucking-hoo to the players now whining about how the suspicion of illegal performance-enhancing drug use is now over every over-achieving athlete’s head. You people made your bed, now go lie in it.
• So last night in-between commercials for the Florida State University/Miami football game I was channel surfing, like any good male does, and what did I stumble across? Some movie about the behind-the-scenes action of the sitcom "Diff'rent Strokes." Who in the world thought this was a good idea to do, and who in the world gave this person the green light to produce this piece of crap?
• Wow. Be careful what you wish for; it just might come true.
Um, if I’m going to die, at least I want to win the $100 million Powerball 50 years prior.
• Steve Irwin has just died thanks to a stingray putting a barb through his chest. I always liked the Crocodile Hunter program, even though half the time the show was about a dozen guys lying down on a reptile as if it were a drunk hot chick at Mardi Gras. Too bad this attack didn’t happen to Jeff Corwin; last night I was watching some retarded “HUGE MONSTERS” show with him pretending dinosaurs or some other large extinct animals were chasing him. Christ was this show awful. I kept watching this piece of shit just for the sheer awfulness of it all.
• Speaking of trash, I saw one of Morgan Spurlock’s hippie “30 Days” episodes tonight. I wish Morgan would spend 30 days provoking stingrays in their natural habitat. OMG spending 30 days in jail sucks. No fucking shit, genius. That’s why you don’t BREAK THE LAW. I love it when some guilt-ridden do-gooder tries to tug at your heartstrings by producing something like this “30 Days” show and you end up spending 90 percent of the program either laughing out loud or saying, “And what exactly am I supposed to be feeling bad about, douche bag?”
• I don’t care about tennis, but God I loved how every ESPN pundit I paid attention to was predicting Agassi to beat this Becker hippie and go on to face Andy Roddick or other some guy I have never heard of before and will never hear of again. Andre, you had a great career. You made a buttload of cash. You seem to actually care about the human race. This makes you a better person than me. Now go and fuck Steffi Graf a whole bunch of times. Just don’t force your kids to play the sport you and your wife succeeded in for all those years.
• Michael Caine isn't happy with today's films. Here’s an excerpt from the article I linked to:
I’m not a Caine-hater or anything like that, but should someone who played a prominent role in…
…be in any kind of position to comment on the awfulness of Hollywood?
• And finally, what the hell is wrong with people?
And here is a picture of this raucous crowd.
Oh well, at least these people can probably point out Pluto on a chart of our solar system. That’s better than those pseudo-hippies who protest child labor conditions in some Asian or South American shoe factory but can’t find the country they’re bitching about on a map.
