KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 45: Canadian Chick
There is quite a bit of testosterone when it comes to message boards that deal with pro wrestling, so whenever a female poster steps forward it’s like a needle pricking your thumb while goofing around in a stack of hay. Now while some females, when presented with this situation, may enjoy the attention, I’m sure there are others who dread the stalkish-like behavior they have to deal with. Having seen Canadian Chick do
I’m quite certain that not only can she blend in as being one of the guys (at least on the days where she’s not ragging it) but she could also probably pummel many of us with snap suplexes, half-nelsons or whatever those things are. Damaramu being first in line, of course.
And now a word or four from the expert panel I’ve assembled to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From EricMM:
From Carnival:
From SFA Jack:
From Cancer Marney:
• While talking via AIM to one of my Internet chums, we got into a conversation about “what is love.” (Wow, that sounded gay.) To make a long story short, I was explaining to him then when tell someone that you love them, at that point you should expect to spend the rest of your life with that person. After all, if you “love” someone, then nothing should deter you from your one true soul mate. Perhaps I’m a little extreme when it comes to this subject, but I have always sparingly used the “l” word. Now of course I’ve said “I love that movie” or “I love that song,” but that’s not the same thing, in my opinion, when sitting next to someone you’ve been dating for a year or so and saying, “I love you.” In this context, I have said the “l” word twice in my life, although I only meant it once. The first time was with the first relationship I had that lasted longer than a trip to the amusement park or an all-night kegger. For months, the ex-better half kept saying how she “loved” me (God knows why), and I would say that I couldn’t reply back because I didn’t know if I felt the same. Sure I cared for her and all that shit, but I always prided myself in not faking my emotions. After a while, like a beaten POW, I relented after some stupid fight (I can’t remember what it was about), but we both knew I was just saying it to shut her up. Shortly after we broke up (she did the dumping, I was the dumpee, but it was only a matter of time before one of us pulled the plug on this go-nowhere relationship). A few years later when I met Mrs. kkk, I uttered the “l” word again, and so far it’s been nine-plus years, so I think I’m holding up my end of this bargain.
• David Duke calls the Holocaust a lie; would you expect anything different? I figure enough people are going to bitch about this, so why should I pile on when there’s plenty of other people to rag on, like that useless piece of shit Kofi Annan. Acutally, the holocaust denier I’m more concerned about is Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. One of these two Jew-haters will probably soon be able to launch a nuclear attack. The other one is a redneck. A follower to one of these two, in an effort to retaliate at you and your Jew passenger, will spit on your car’s windshield and wave a Confederate flag. A follower to the other nutjob will retaliate by blowing himself up. Oh, and by the way, how do we really know all those bodies were the result of concentration camps? Maybe some German hotel had a really good deal and too many Jews arrived, leaving many without coats out in the cold. Damn revisionist textbooks.
OK, time for another chapter from the in-law family book of tales. For those that don’t know by now, my sister-in-law is a crack whore. Now it was recently reported that her oldest daughter, now 19, is a crack-whore-in-training. But she’s starting out slow and is going to rehab for a problem with painkillers. The better half has said that the niece’s symptoms resemble those of a heroin user, but what does she know other than the fact she already went through this once with the matriarch of this crack-whore tag team. Well, my niece-in-law will be headed off to the rehab place on January 1, but in the meantime she has decided to take up a full-time job that pays $14.75/HOUR PLUS COMMISSION. She’s going to be such a success at this endeavor that she said she is quitting her part-time pizza-making job that she never shows up for in order to focus all her energies on this new job until she goes to the clinic. And just what is this dream job? Selling knives for Vector Marketing and Cutco cutlery products. LOL.
Now after reading some of the above article, you might say, “But kkk, maybe your niece-in-law would like the sales industry. Maybe she has what it takes to succeed. Maybe she’ll like working hard to earn an honest day’s pay. Maybe she could work real hard and climb up that corporate ladder." Yeah. That’s why she’s been sleeping all day after her trip to the methadone clinic today. And whle I'm on a somewhat related subject, the kkk household received a Christmas card yesterday from my welfare receiving aunt-in-law. Of course, the postage was due on the damn thing. For those that forgot, this is the aunt-in-law I’m talking about.
• The better half and I got into a disagreement over recently regifting a particular Christmas item, and no it wasn’t a fruitcake. A few years ago we got this $25 Blockbuster card; I can’t remember how or when we got this thing, but it has been posted on our kitchen corkboard for at least 18 months. We don’t go to Blockbuster, and the few times I thought of buying something from this store I could find the same products in better condition and at a cheaper price elsewhere. I don’t know what it is about renting movies; I just don’t like to do so. I’d rather just buy the thing at a cheap price and not feel rushed to return the movie by a certain time or end up paying late fees. Well Mrs. kkk was making some “movie gift pack” for a co-worker, and instead of going out and getting a gift card I suggested we just give this person our current Blockbuster card. It’s not like we spent any money from this piece of plastic, and it’s still in mint condition. What’s the big deal? Well after her bitching about this for a few minutes she finally relented and now we’re regifting. Oh well.
• About a week ago I noticed that Comcast’s On Demand service had available “I Know What You Did Last Summer.” Now this film premiered back when I worked at the theater almost 10 years ago, and it was one of those movies I’d walk in and watch for 15-20 minutes at a time, but I would never actually sit through an entire screening. I figured what the hell and watched it. Eh. I could have wasted 90 minutes doing something worse. Anyway, after seeing this film, and remembering its sequel, “I still know what you did last summer,” I wondered why more sequels of this franchise weren’t made. As I was in Target today looking around while the better half was shopping for that PERFECT Christmas card *gag* I came across this. Good God.
• Would the fact this event took place in San Francisco surprise anybody? I can't wait until the city government starts giving the homeless milk money, which of course will be spent on crack and booze.
• So much for safe sex.
Because my overall cumulative record was near .500 before this week’s of games took place, I knew I was in for some trouble. Before even looking at this particular slate of games, I had a bad feeling about this.
Baltimore at Cincinnati (3.5). Incorrect.
I felt the Bengals would be the more desperate of the two teams, but I still went with the Ravens. For what reason I don’t know. Should have went with my first thought.
Arizona at St. Louis (6.5). Correct.
Not only did the Cardinals win, but they won by two touchdowns. Shouldn’t I get a bonus point or something?
Atlanta at Washington (1.5). Incorrect.
Could the Falcons be righting their wayward ship in time for the postseason? Don’t know, don’t care. All I know is they screwed me this week.
(4.5) Dallas at N.Y. Giants. Incorrect.
Well the Cowboys won but they didn’t cover the spread. Sure it was a divisional game, but it doesn’t do me any good.
Detroit at New England (13.5). Incorrect.
I called picking New England a “steal” this week. Not only did they fail to cover, but also they almost outright lost. To Detroit. Ugh.
(7.5) Indianapolis at Tennessee. Incorrect.
Not only did the Colts fail to cover, but also they outright lost. To Tennessee. Ugh. Well, the Titans are playing better as the season has gone on. But still.
Jacksonville at Miami (2.5). Incorrect.
Looks like the Jaguars are righting their wayward ship in time for the postseason.
(5.5) Kansas City at Cleveland. Incorrect.
Oh for Christ’s sake, this is getting ridiculous. Don’t any of these playoff bubble teams that I pick want to continue their season past Week 17?
Minnesota at Chicago (9.5). Incorrect.
Having watched this game, the Vikings did not deserve to get this win. And by “win” I mean not lose by double digits.
(1.5) N.Y. Jets at Green Bay. Correct.
Yay. I got one right.
(5.5) San Diego at Buffalo. Incorrect.
Sure it wasn’t an impressive win, but it’s victories like this that can determine whether a team is playing at home in the conference championship game rather than going on the road.
San Francisco at New Orleans (7.5). Correct.
And here I was actually worried about the point spread to this game.
Tampa Bay at Pittsburgh (7.5). Correct.
I thought the Steelers would probably win, but I was hoping for the Buccaneers to keep it close. I was wrong. I sense a trend.
Houston at Oakland (3.5). Correct.
Oakland? Favored? I need as many gimmies as possible this week.
Seattle at Denver (3.5). Correct.
Didn’t watch this game. Have no idea what took place. Seahawks won. That’s all I care about.
(3.5) Carolina at Philadelphia. Incorrect.
Not only did the Eagles win, but also they have a shot at making the playoffs. I’m not saying this will happen, but I’d love to see what the Philadelphia region would do should Jeff Garcia take the Eagles on a magical playoff run that resulted in a Super Bowl win. All with Donovan McNabb watching from the sideline.
This week’s record: 6-10
Cumulative record: 93-99
Drat. And I was so close to mediocrity.
Well the better half gave me one of my Christmas presents last night, and it sure was a surprise. We went to Heinz Hall last night for that evening's performance. For those that don’t know, Heinz Hall is a hoity toity place where NPR listeners and PBS viewers go to partake in all that artsy fartsy crap. So what was on the itinerary for that evening? The symphony? A choir performance? Ballet? Uh-uh.
Carlos f'n Mencia.
Even if you aren’t a fan of Mencia, to sit in a place like Heinz Hall and look around at a crowd that would normally be cleaning the establishment after hours than actually being paying customers was worth the price of admission alone, especially seeing all the senior citizen ushers who had to endure the three hours of foul language, raunchy humor and racial epithets being tossed about like candy. While some may not like Mencia’s humor or Comedy Central “Mind of Mencia” program, I enjoy much of his work, mainly because I’ve thought/voiced similar opinions many times in the past. I remember back in the mid-1990s I was watching a HBO stand-up act with some Mexican comedian, and to this day it was one of my favorite comedy specials of all-time. I never knew the guy’s name, and when I first saw “Mind of Mencia” a while back I began to wonder if this was the guy I saw a decade ago. Sure enough, a couple of months ago I saw this HBO special on Comedy Central and it was indeed Mencia.
I’m not one to go to concerts or events like these because, frankly, I’m a cheap bastard. What’s the point of paying money to see a band play one time when I can buy a CD and listen to the same song numerous times? Now granted there are people who like the concert experience, and if that’s your thing, then good for you. Me, I would rather listen to a song in the comfort of my home while typing on the computer. (I’ve got ACDC’s “If You Want Blood” concert CD playing as I’m currently typing.)
After dinner we were waiting for Heinz Hall’s auditorium doors to open, and let me tell you it was an … interesting … crowd we were standing alongside. It was weird being one of the older people at this place; most ticket holders looked to be college students, although there were a few old-timers scattered throughout. My favorite person was some guy with a hoodie whose back featured a picture of W. and read “Not my President.” Wonderful. Another type of patron that caught my eye were families attending this event with pre-teens. The hell? Oh well, it’s not my problem. However, I have to wonder if these parents knew what they were getting themselves into. Three hours worth of racial and sex humor is deemed quality family time? I can’t believe every family unit was aware of what was going to be presented on stage. In fact, there were a few people in my section who got up and left during the show – I guess the 59th time the word “nigger” or 97th time “fuck” was uttered was too much for them. Prudes.
Although I still know there are several Christmas gifts coming my way (the most recent South Park DVD, for example), this concert was a surprise. Hell, I didn’t even know this comedy tour was coming to Shittsburgh; it’s not like this area has been overrun by Mexicans … yet.
• If you have read KK’s Korner for any period of time, chances are you’ve learned of my fondness for my current batch of fellow co-workers, or lack thereof. After hearing my constant griping regarding many of these zany characters I deal with in the workplace, you may be surprised to learn that I actually prefer having a cohesive work environment. Seriously, who doesn’t want to enjoy the time where they spend one-third of their workweek? The problem with an office environment is that many times you have no say in who your co-workers are: if you get along with them, that’s great; if you don’t, well, too bad. I thank my lucky stars my office is two floors away from ninety-nine percent of my peers and that my job doesn’t interfere with what they do so my interaction with them is limited. Why do I say all this? Well, just yesterday I learned what one of my co-workers did at last years’ Christmas “grab bag” event.
For those that don’t know a grab bag’s purpose, it is for people who want to be involved with some faux form of workplace unity. If someone wants to be involved in a grab bag extravaganza, all they do is put their name in a hat and someone who organizes the activity selects which co-worker will buy $20 worth of gifts for another co-worker. For everyone participating, they have to write their name on a piece a paper and include a list of three to four items that they would like. (I must mention here that ever since I began working at this place I have never taken part in one of these grab bags. This is because I think the whole idea is stupid and also because there’s no way in hell I’m spending money on someone I loathe, and there are quite a few people at my job that fill this bill.) Well anyway, I found out that one of my co-workers, I’ll call her Sue, was supposed to get something for … let’s call this other person Beth. Now keep in mind Sue is a compulsive gambler, or so I’ve been told, and she ended up buying $20 worth of scratch-and-win instant lottery tickets. I’m assuming Beth wanted lottery tickets for this grab bag thing, but I digress. If Beth did indeed want lottery tickets, then I guess $20 in instant win games seems like a good gift, right? Well, in happy world it would be, but this is kkk’s world. In kkk’s world, Sue scratched off all the tickets before giving them to Beth. The reason? Sue wanted to make sure she gave at least one winning ticket to Beth. Uh-huh. Right. So in effect, Sue’s gift to Beth was 17 or 18 scratch-off tickets that were already played and had no value and two or three tickets that had a $1 or $2 payout. And people say I’m a Jew bastard. I’m surprised Sue didn’t throw in a few losing Powerball tickets from the previous week’s drawing.
I do find it odd that Sue is a person who, when we have an office pool for a $100+ million Powerball drawing, she never joins the rest of us sheep and instead plays on her own. I would assume if she was a degenerative gambler that she would want to be in an office pool where the odds of winning a jackpot would be only one-in-two-hundred-million, rather than playing the lottery by herself where the odds increase to one-in-infinity-plus-one. Then again, what the hell do I know? The only reason I participate in an office lottery pool is that I know if I don’t then my co-workers would win the mega-ultra jackpot, and there’s no way in hell I’m about to let that happen. Not on my watch.
And down the final stretch I come:
Cleveland at Pittsburgh (7.5)
The Browns are riding high after an upset win against the Chiefs last week. Now they come to Shittsburgh to take on a divisional foe who they should have beaten a few weeks ago. Will they emerge victorious this week? I don't know, but I'll take them with that point spread the way it is.
(3.5) Atlanta at Tampa Bay
I'm helping out the Falcons in their attempt to reach the postseason. I know if I would have picked them, the Bucs would have defeated them, thus prompting me to say the following week, "Atlanta's late-season collapse is still alive and well, and I fell into the trap of thinking they'd win two in a row." This is why I'm picking Tampa Bay, so that way I don't have to say the above sentence in next week's entry.
Baltimore at Kansas City (2.5)
Kansas City is a tough place to play at, but the Ravens defense is a tough unit to run against. I guess I could look up the stats and see if this is actually true, but that would requre effort.
Buffalo at N.Y. Jets (4.5)
I never thought this game could have playoff implications this late in the season, but it does. Good for everyone involved. I'm taking the Bills due to the spread.
(1.5) Indianapolis at Jacksonville
The Jags have been off-and-on this year while the Colts have been a bit more consistent. With me taking Indy, perhaps this is the game in which Jacksonville gets over the hump.
Minnesota at Detroit (2.5)
The Vikings have been struggling as of late, although I wouldn't consider their woes to be that dire where the Lions are the favored team in this matchup.
(3.5) New England at Miami
Hmm, the Pats were nearly upset last week at home against Detroit. The Dolphins were defeated by the Jags at home. I'll go with New England to rebound against a divisional opponent.
New Orleans at Dallas (6.5)
I'm sure Dallas will win, but that spread. Well, the Cowboys have that defense. Plus they're at home. OK then.
N.Y. Giants at Carolina (3.5)
Each team has been inconsistent as of late, so it's a case of pick your poison. I'll take Carolina.
Oakland at Cincinnati (10.5)
I don't like that point spread, but Cincinnati is a lot different than Oakland weather-wise this time of the year.
(1.5) Philadelphia at Washington
I'll take my chances with Jeff Garcia, who I forgot was with the Eagles this year. I feel bad for the guy. Back in his San Francisco days, Terrell Owens made some homophobic remarks toward him and the national sports media didn't show a fraction of the outrage it had over T.O. and his feud with Donovan McNabb.
Tennessee at Houston (1.5)
Riding high off an upset win against the Colts, I'm sure the Titans will crash and burn here, but I'm a sucker for teams that score big wins the week before.
Green Bay at San Francisco (5.5)
I think the 49ers have a great shot at winning ... oh who am I kidding, I have no clue. I'm taking the Packers because of that point spread.
(3.5) Seattle at Arizona
I remember when Joe Bugel used to coach the Cardinals, Arizona would start out bad but come on strong late in the season and the "should Joe get fired?" talk would commence. This usually resulted in, "let's give him one more year because his players like him and they're playing hard to keep his job." Well Dennis Green ain't Joe Bugel. Not sure if that's an insult or compliment.
Denver at San Diego (7.5)
San Diego will probably win, but with that point spread I'll take divisional foe Denver.
(6.5) Chicago at St. Louis
I'll go with the Rams at home to make this competitive. I'm still getting flashbacks to the Bears/Cardinals Monday Night game earlier this year.
• Imagine you're a happily married woman who wanted to watch the sun set while sitting on your back porch. Now imagine opening your back door to this.
OK, now I don't know what would creep me out more: The fact your husband has chosen to have sex with the family dog, or the fact he chose to do this OUTSIDE ON YOUR BACK PORCH (allegedly, of course). Photos were taken by your wife of you having sex with the family dog. How, if you're the guy in this situation, can you possibly have a defense for this? You were drunk? The bitch was asking for it? I'm actually interested to see what the defense has to say with this one.
• Wow. Another story about how the rich keep getting richer and the poor keep getting poorer, and this time it's on a global scale.
Still don’t care. Although I liked this part.
Assuming property and other things of worth are covered under "assets," my household is well in the top 10 percentile of the world’s richest adults. That means I’m oppressing the other 90 percent of this world. Awesome. Now if I can only get a Mexican to mow my lawn.
• Eh, I still prefer Affirmative Action bake sales.
• Boy did Neal Boortz had a field day with this story on his show today. That's all I can say about this one.
• It must be budget time at NASA, because now they’re talking about colonizing the moon or something. Don’t care. I’m sure space travel was a big deal 50 years ago, and I am also aware that many products we enjoy today came indirectly from space and military research, but this is 2006. Nobody cares about this anymore, and even if some did they are finding ways to get into space without government spending. (Remember that contest a year or so ago that offered a cash prize for the first private flight into space, or goofy “sphere” that’s above us?) But NASA will get everything it wants and more because, hey, it’s the government. What else have they got to do with money besides spend it?
• Gwyneth Paltrow recently took some flack for saying that she likes Brits better than Yanks at her dinner table. Here's what she said:
Now I could jump on the “If you hate America so much then giiiit out” bandwagon, but it seems that she’s already done that by living in England with trips to the United States to squirt out an Apple, Plum, Orange or Grape Nut. To the surprise of some, I’m going to come to her defense somewhat on this one. She thinks the dinner conversation from across the Pond is more thoughtful than here in the States. Who’s to say she’s wrong? As much as I love my brothers from anotha motha in anotha country, you guys are a bit too socialist for my liking, so it wouldn’t surprise me that less people over there discuss work-related matters while eating their meals. Besides, I’m sure meal-time conversation is important to Paltrow. What else is she going to do at the dinner table, eat? I normally don’t spend much time talking during this time, but that’s because I have food in my mouth.
• In lovecraft’s blog he recently talked about Rachael Ray, and I expressed my hatred toward this bitch in the kitch … en. (Wow was that bad.) Why do I hate her? I don’t really know. I just get the same vibe from her as I did from those uber-preppy girls in high school who would whine and bitch about getting only a 102 percent on a test while I was lucky to fill in my name in the correct blank. You know who I’m talking about, the same kind of girls who would pout because their daddy bought them the black Corvette when they wanted the red. Last December the better half had one of Ray's “Survive on $20 in this expensive part of town” shows on the Food Network. As I sat there watching this garbage, that half-hoarse/half-annoying voice of hers began grating against my soul, or what little of it I have left. Not only was I being annoyed by her, I began to seethe with hate about having to watch this. Did I go upstairs and surf the Internet? No. Did I leave and watch something from the spare bedroom television? Of course not. Did I read a book? N*gga plz. All I could do is sit there and watch as my rage boiled over into a deep hatred. I don’t care if Joe’s Café on 5th Avenue offers $2 coffees from 2-5 p.m. I don’t care if there’s some back-alley Asian eatery that serves up fresh dog every morning. My hatred for Rachael Ray knows no bounds.
It only got worse from there. Last week as I was doing the weekly trip to the grocery store I noticed that Ms. Ray has defiled my store’s Triscuit boxes, among other Nabisco products. Why Nabisco, why? Now every time I reach for a box of this wheaty goodness I get to see her on the box with that look of “Hey, I’m a millionaire just for telling people how to cook a bunch of crappy stuff.” I’m sure if I ever see nl-asshole in real life I’d probably get the same feeling as I now do every time I walk down the cracker aisle of my neighborhood supermarket.
• Here we go again. Another red diaper doper baby telling the rest of the country how their lives should be run … um, actually, I’ve always wondered how blind people figure out what bill denominations they are giving out during a purchase.
• I guess Playstation3s are in such high demand that even cops are killing people to get their hands on these things.
I’m a bit of an odd bird when it comes to my video game history. Hey, what better way to transition into something that could be worth a day’s entry, and maybe more? As a kid, video games were my passion. Well, maybe not my “passion,” but I sure played them enough. Even now I spend way too much time in front of a television or computer monitor killing some demon or scoring a go-ahead touchdown. Well it beats being out on the street causing trouble or spending quality time with the wife. Let’s take a stroll down my video game history, shall we?
The Atari 2600 was my first video game console, and of course I played the hell out of the poor thing. Later on when my first system went to video game heaven, it was replaced by an Atari 7800. However, I don’t recall a single 7800 game purchased other than Xevious. After my 2600 playing days were over, I moved on to the … hey, wait a minute. I still have my 2600/7800 games. What better time than now to look in my Rubbermaid container that’s in the walk-in closet in the room from where I am currently typing and take a trip down memory lane? There we go. Now it’s time to see my Atari 2600/7800 game collection and note that all the money spent on these games could have went to purchase Microsoft stock. I have these games ranked by the company that made them, or something of that nature. You'll figure it out.
Activision Games: Commando (I have two of this title. I must have broken or stolen one of them), Decathlon, Dolphin (more on this one below), Keystone Kapers (I always laughed when I made the cop duck because it looked like he was going to the bathroom; when I got a “best of Activision game” a year or two ago one of the first things I did was play this title and, sure enough, made the cop duck just so it looked like he was pinching a load), River Raid (loved this one, even though I was, and still am, terrible at it).
I have no idea what posse the following games were from. They were funky cartridges that were long, thin and black with a slanted top saying the game’s title. None of these have any artwork. Astroblast, Football, Kool-Aid Man (!), Soccer. Here’s a little more background on the above-mentioned football game. One Christmas my cousin had his uncle figure out how to control his team’s players, and I proceeded to get slaughtered something like 100-0. I got my revenge next year when I learned how to run and pass, but I think that was also the same Christmas when I got the air hockey table and my football glory was short-lived. While playing air hockey, my cousin was cheating (or something) and I was calling him on it. I think our house rules was that a player wasn’t allowed to go beyond the table’s middle stripe, and he was constantly violating this rule. I then proceeded to get yelled at by my mom and aunt for my enforcement of these ever-so-strict guidelines because I was beating him anyway (what I lacked in other facets of my life I more than make up for in air hockey, believe you me). My cousin said something smart-ass to me and I replied, “OK, DICK FACE!” and wailed my air-hockey paddle at him, much to the horror of all the adults that were in the room (except my dad; I think he found the whole thing funny as hell). Memories.
Imagic Games (the ones with a sorta slanted top and this fancy silver label): Cosmic Ark, Demon Attack.
EPYX Games (mostly white labels; I can’t describe these games any further than to point out I didn’t play these titles a lot): California Games, Sea Hunt, Summer Games, Winter Games.
US Games (white background label with a blue background with a white lettering to the cartridge’s top). Eggomania (I can’t begin to describe this one), Gopher, Name This Game (It was a contest and was sorta like a Sea Hunt-type game, only better; you had to fight off a shark that got faster with each passing level and this big, black octopus.)
Other: Amidar (I have no idea what this is but an ape, pig, painter and Indian with a bone in his nose are on the cover; I think I may have been a Pac-Man-like game where you had to fill a screen with something before the bad guys get you), Blueprint (no idea) and this cartridge with the label ripped off. I think it is “Frogger” because I know I had this game and can’t find it elsewhere. Now that I think about it, I know it’s “Frogger” because that game used to piss me off to the point where I got so mad I would take the game out of the console and BITE IT!!! Eventually the saliva dissolved/tore off the game’s label. What in God’s name is wrong with me?
Now time for the basic Atari cartridges: Adventure (you’re a square and have to fear the green/yellow/red dragons, unless you have the sword that looks like "-->"), Asteroids, Battlezone, Centipede (once I found out you were an elf with a hippie wand, my opinion of this game declined; I thought for quite a while you were in some cool spaceship blasting away), Berzerk, Combat, Defender, Donkey Kong, Golf, Joust (one of my favorites), Jungle Hunt, Kangaroo, Mousetrap, Ms. Pac-Man, Pac-Man, Real Sports Baseball, Space Invaders, Superman, Vanguard (I don’t remember much about this game other than it was one of my favorites), Video Pinball, Yars Revenge (loved that cover).
Hey, aside from Xevious I also had Choplifter for the 7800, along with Pole Position (or was it Pole Position II?)
Here’s another memory of the 2600: There were some games where if you got to a certain score you could win a prize if you took a picture of the game with a camera and mail it in. One of these titles was Activision’s Dolphin. As a kid I could never achieve this score (I think it was 100,000). Believe me, this was frustrating, especially since I really wanted that hippie Dolphin patch. Years and years later while a college student I dusted off my 7800 to play some old games. One of these games I put in the 7800 was Dolphin and began playing. And playing. And playing. It wasn’t until I was about 90 percent of the way through the game when I noticed how close I was to accomplishing what I gave up so long ago doing. Then the pressure hit. Although I lost a few dolphins to that bastard squid, I eventually beat the game. The best way I could describe the feeling is to compare it to that day when you are finally able to beat your old man in a one-on-one basketball game. So you’re now better than your father at something you spent years trying to best him at. Big deal. You don’t feel any different and your dad knows his glory days are behind him anyway, so it’s not like he cares much either.
One final note. Just to embarrass myself even more than I already do, I would like to say that I took pride in owning every game that was on the Pac-Man Fever album: Pac-Man, Frogger, Centipede, Donkey Kong, Asteroids, Defender, Mousetrap and Berzerk. And yes, I do remember them in order. However, I didn’t remember the actual titles to all the games, just the games they represented. Now if you will excuse me, I got a pocket full of quarters and I’m headed to the arcade.
I don’t even remember who won half of these games. This should be interesting.
(2.5) Miami at Detroit. Correct
I remember Detroit playing a good Thanksgiving Day game in previous years, even if they were having a shitty season. They even played well right out of the gate. However, Miami’s in the midst of “wait until next year” mode, when every player will be one year older, slower and more susceptible to injury.
Tampa Bay at Dallas (11.5). Incorrect.
Nuts, I thought I had a sleeper pick when this game first started. I then stopped watching and saw the final score later on. Ew.
Denver at Kansas City (1.5). Correct.
Because I don’t have the NFL Network, I have nothing to say about this one.
Arizona at Minnesota (6.5). Incorrect.
Damnit. Aside from those two freak plays that gave Arizona 14 points (a goal-line fumble return and punt/kick return if memory serves), this would have been a solid win.
(4.5) Carolina at Washington. Incorrect.
I can’t read either one of these teams worth shit.
Chicago at New England (3.5). Correct.
I pulled this win out by the skin of my teeth. I haven’t seen enough of Rex Grossman to pass judgment on whether or not to bench him, but he seemed good enough when the Bears were the talk of the league. I’d let him play through this slump.
(3.5) Cincinnati at Cleveland. Correct.
When Cleveland plays tough they certainly play tough. When the don’t they sure don’t.
Houston at N.Y. Jets (5.5). Correct.
I wonder how the local New York media is treating the Jets head coach now that he’s helped put his team in playoff contention? I heard in training camp/pre-season this guy was not the most media friendly coach in the league, which could spell trouble for a New York-based team if they are performing poorly.
(3.5) Jacksonville at Buffalo. Incorrect.
The Jags are yet another week-to-week team I can’t put my finger on. I guess those losses to Houston weren’t divisional rivalry flukes and part of a bigger problem..
New Orleans at Atlanta (3.5). Correct.
I predicted one of these teams to begin a late-season collapse. I have been looking at the wrong team all along. Then again, I haven’t expected much from the Falcons as of late anyway. And regarding Vick giving the “dirty bird” to booing fans – big deal. I have to wonder though if fans at this game will get Gloria Aldred to sue Vick for offending them?
(3.5) N.Y. Giants at Tennessee. Incorrect.
Ah man. I was on the wrong end of this fourth-quarter collapse. It was still funny anyway.
Philadelphia at Indianapolis (9.5). Correct.
Colts rookie running back Joseph Addai: 24 rushes, 174 yards, 4 touchdowns. I wonder how Edgerrin James likes playing in Arizona? Oh what the heck, I’ll look at his rushing stats for this year: 226 attempts, 695 yards, 3 touchdowns. Oh well, at least he’s paid. Hope he likes putting his body on the line for a bigger paycheck rather than playing for a championship.
Pittsburgh at Baltimore (2.5). Correct.
This game pretty much shut everyone up in this area about playoff possibilities.
San Francisco at St. Louis (5.5). Correct.
The 49ers gave up the win, but they didn’t give it up by more than 5.5 points. Good enough for me.
Oakland at San Diego (13.5). Incorrect.
Nuts. The Chargers couldn’t blow the Raiders out twice in a season.
Green Bay at Seattle (10.5). Incorrect.
Damnit. Missed by half-a-point. Oh well.
This week’s record: 9-7.
Cumulative record: 87-89.
Hey, I’m only two games under .500 – Time to get creamed with my Week 13 picks. I just heard on the television that Cleveland has just gone up 7-0. Gulp.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 46: Marvin is a Lunatic
Marvin is famous around these here parts for two things. 1) His love of high definition television. 2) Troubles with his love life. Rather than go into more detail about both, I’ll just point you over to a thread that has become synonymous with Marvin. If you haven’t made your way to this thread yet, do so. As for me, I’ve always had a soft spot for him. And while I’m on the subject of virgins looking to get laid, heed these words my poontang seekers: Don’t expect much going in because when a male virgin finally achieves penetration because it’ll only last 5-10 seconds. Yes, I am speaking from personal experience. Then again, I wasn’t wearing a rubber at the time. I might have lasted 20 seconds had my scimitar been properly sheathed. I wouldn’t have lasted twice as long because the latex would have dulled the sensation, but rather I wouldn’t have wanted to waste money on using a prophylactic for that short of time.
And now a word or five from the expert panel I’ve assembled to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From Black Lushus:
From EricMM:
From Carnival:
From SFAJack:
From Kingofthe909:
• Who needs “Survivor” or “Hogan Knows Best,” when you have the kind of reality programming that I married into? For those of you that are somewhat familiar with my in-law family tree, bear with me for three sentences while I bring others up-to-date. My 40-something-year-old sister-in-law is a crack whore. Well, meth/heroin addict would be a more accurate description, but I feel “crack whore” can be used as a universal term for “loser drug addict.” The crack whore’s oldest daughter lives with my mother-in-law and has “supposedly” been going to college for the last year-and-a-half. Well, this 19-year-old is now headed off to a drug rehab center for three months. Why is she doing this? Well because a few weeks ago the mother in-law busted the niece-in-law in a web of lies that’s not worth going into. The mother-in-law then said she was taking her name off the title to my nice-in-law’s car, thus making the niece-in-law fully responsible for her car’s insurance payments; payments that are also going to be at a much higher rate than before. After the niece-in-law stormed out to live with the crack whore for a week or two, she announced to the mother-in-law that she was addicted to “pain killers” (heroin is the more likely drug of choice), and has tried to “detox herself” several times over the past three years. *CoughbullshitCough*. I’m still expressing doubt she’s actually going to go to rehab, and if she does I doubt she’ll complete the full three months. Why do I seem express such joy in other people’s pain? Because it makes for great reality television – and you don’t even need the TV set! And since she will not supposedly be home for the holidays that also means one extra gift that doesn’t have to be purchased. Wait a second: that’s TWO gifts because I’m sure her on-again-off-again boyfriend won’t be paying a visit either. The sad thing is that I wish I could trade him for her in regards to being related to a person; he’s actually normal, except for his taste in women. Then again, the niece-in-law was his first sex partner, so I understand why he accepts the constant break-ups and other bullshit that applies to “young love.”
Why do I “hate” the niece-in-law? I really don’t hate her, but I do ignore her for the most part (perhaps another story for another time). I think the best part of this story will be when she’s 30-years old and working in some go-nowhere shithole, realizing everyday as she gets up for her dead-end job that she had a near-free-ride toward a college degree and pissed it all away. She had enough grants/inheritance/etc. given to her to pay for at least half of her four-year undergraduate education, and that didn’t include the various work-study programs she had been accepted for, too. Of course, she actually needed to attend these university jobs in order to get paid, but now I’m nitpicking.
Will she complete rehab? Will she go back to college? Will she graduate? Will she get knocked up? Will she get back with one of her fuck-buddies who recent went to jail for robbery and act as the get-away driver in his next caper? I have to tune in and find out. Well, maybe not “tune in;” just listen to what Mrs. kkk tells me after wrapping up the latest chat with her mother. Even though you never really know what to expect from the script that life provides you, I have a feeling this story will end up with the niece-in-law being a crack whore. Just like her mother. This of course means I’ve been watching a repeat all along. Well, maybe not a “repeat.” I think “spin-off” would be a more appropriate label.
Now that I wrongly predicted the Ravens/Bengals Thursday night game, I can get back to my riveting tale of my first-ever “real job” interview. I spoke with Altoona Mirror News Editor Joe Frollo about my upcoming interview, and he said to bring a work portfolio with me to the Mirror’s headquarters. He added that if I could get a copy of the Mirror and “copyedit” for him that would be great, too. My interview was scheduled for early that next week, so I got the Sunday’s edition of the Mirror and put my little red pen to work. Now here’s the funny thing. For as much as I suck at speling and grammer, I am great at picking out stupid errors or inconsistencies that nobody else would care about checking. For example, at one job I picked out on a page a period that was one font point size smaller than all the other text. While the graphic artist who made this correction was amazed that I noticed this mistake, I felt more pathetic than anything else. But I digress. So there I was scanning through this newspaper when I came across some mistakes in this publication’s template areas, particularly one in the “Editorial Board” box that got run every day. When I arrived at my interview, I showed Joe everything I had found, and he was … surprised. He especially appeared so when I showed him the “editorial box” where a period was breaking up one editor’s name. As I sat down to take my editing test, he asked if he could have this page and walked away. I knew I bombed this test, but nevertheless it was off to talk with Joe and this other editor who seemed a bit smarmy. I knew I wasn’t getting this job, but they were taking me out to dinner to continue the interview process, so who am I to turn down a free meal?
As I talked with Joe and this other guy, the nameless editor began asking for my opinion about the newspaper, and I gave it to him. Full blast. I don’t remember much of what I said, and most of it wasn’t even negative, but I do remember the guy getting pretty defensive about a number of things. One question I do remember was asking if the Mirror had a Web site because I couldn’t find one after looking through the newspaper and on-line (this was in 1999, so the Internet “revolution” hadn’t hit small publications such as the Mirror yet). I got an answer dealing with how it wouldn’t make the paper any money and that they mail a few copies to subscribers out of state and they would lose that revenue (yeah, all $10/month). When the meal was over and we were back at Mirror headquarters, the interview was wrapping up and Joe said to me in a low voice that he agreed with nearly all of my comments about the newspaper and that he was trying to get his smarmy boss to do many of the things I mentioned. That was when I knew for sure I was never coming back to this place. Sure enough, I was right.
From the moment I left this interview, there were no harsh feelings. I knew I wasn’t qualified for the vacancy (I’m probably still not), and if you think this is some 500-word bitchfest about how the Mirror is run by a bunch of Jew-commies, then you’re sadly mistaken. However, the best part of this story came later when I got the “official” rejection. A few weeks went by and I got this letter from the Mirror. Knowing what it was, I just read the letter’s first sentence and tossed it aside. Mrs. kkk picked it up, thinking there could be some glimmering hope in what was written, and asked how the word “periodically” was spelled. I told her. She agreed with my spelling and said that the letter had it spelled as “periotically.” So not only did a fellow journalism grad misspell a job rejection letter to me, but he also felt me unworthy of a spell-check. Here’s how part of the letter went.
How do I remember this? Because I have kept this letter and have it framed.
Like I said in yesterday’s entry, I was getting ready for my first “real job” interview… aw sonofabitch. The NFL has some hippie Thursday night game. I guess tonight’s entry is time for this week’s pickkks.
Baltimore at Cincinnati (3.5)
I think Cincinnati will be up more for this game. In addition, the Bengals need this win more than the Ravens. However, I’ll take my chances with the underdog Ravens in this one.
Arizona at St. Louis (6.5)
Both teams have been stinking up the place as of late. The only reason I’m taking the Cardinals is that six-and-a-half point spread.
Atlanta at Washington (1.5)
Hmm. The Falcons are on the decline and the Redskins are … well, I have no idea. I might as well go with the devil I know and guess that the Redskins won’t be as bad as the Falcons this week.
(4.5) Dallas at N.Y. Giants
There’s turmoil in the Big Apple and now the national sports media is talking about T.O. and the fact they haven’t had anything to talk about regarding him. Shit. I don’t know how to go at this one. Dallas has to lose sometime, but the Giants are in some trouble themselves. I’ll go with Dallas.
Detroit at New England (13.5)
New England favored by two touchdowns? Against Detroit? At home? This is a steal.
(7.5) Indianapolis at Tennessee
The Titans have been playing tough, but the Colts usually blowout their weaker division foes.
Jacksonville at Miami (2.5)
I’m picking the Dolphins just so they’ll lose and this talk about “wait until next year” will be aborted while still in an early trimester.
(5.5) Kansas City at Cleveland
The Chiefs will continue their playoff push, and unlike last year they just might finish the job this time.
Minnesota at Chicago (9.5)
Divisional opponent. Chicago will probably win, but I’m hoping Minnesota will keep it close.
(1.5) N.Y. Jets at Green Bay
Both teams have played better than expected. Even though they are on the road, I’ll go with the team that’s improved more this year.
(5.5) San Diego at Buffalo
At first I was going to go with the Bills, but then I thought otherwise because I then got the hunch that this was going to be a letdown game for them. Besides, five-and-a-half points on the road doesn’t seem too bad for San Diego.
San Francisco at New Orleans (7.5)
The 49ers have been playing good for the past month, but I’ll take the Saints, even with the spread.
Tampa Bay at Pittsburgh (7.5)
With some key injuries on the Steelers’ side of the ball, I’ll take the Buccaneers to either win or keep the game close. Besides, Tampa’s starting quarterback is from the Shittsburgh area; hey, if Roethlisberger gets hurt and Charlie Batch comes in that means two hometown products will be playing quarterback for each team in this one. Good for them.
Houston at Oakland (3.5)
Oakland’s been losing by close margins and now they’re favored. I’ll go with Houston.
Seattle at Denver (3.5)
Tough one here for me. It’s in Denver, but the Broncos are struggling a bit. I’ll take Seattle in this one.
(3.5) Carolina at Philadelphia
If McNabb was playing in this one I’d go with Philadelphia. However, he’s not. I’m not thrilled with the Panthers, but whenever Donovan went down last year so did his team.
Well today I had a job interview, and it went as I pretty much expected it to go. Do I anticipate a call from this place in the near future? No, but to tell the truth I never even expected to get called in at all. It’s funny, but for all the places in my life where I hoped for a call back, this was one where I shipped off my resume with the thought, “eh, whatever.” For anyone that has worked at a place where nametags and fryer experience were not necessities, the job interview can be a pretty intimidating place. Then again, a job interview doesn’t seem quite as intimidating when you’re already gainfully employed and have a steady source of legal income coming in.
I went to today’s interview for two reasons. 1) to use up a half-day’s worth of comp time I built up over this current pay period at my current job. 2) to polish my interviewing technique just in case I get called in by a place with a job that I really desire. I don’t want it to seem like I’m dissing the place I interviewed at today; that’s not the case. In fact, I must say that the human resources chick I dealt with at this place has by far been the best at her position at any organization I have ever interviewed at. Not only has she responded to every inquiry and request I had over the past week or two, but also she seemed to genuinely enjoy doing her job. Now I’ll be curious to see how she handles rejected employment candidates. But then again, I’m sure the people I interviewed with in the department that had the vacant employment position will have more to do with the sure-to-be unprofessional way this place handles rejected job candidates.
Like I said above, I treated today’s interview as a steppingstone for later encounters; think of this like a major-league player rehabilitating in the minors. My favorite part of these interviews is when you know you’re not going to be considered and they ask if you have “any questions.” I figure since I’ll never see these people again I might as well have some fun, and today’s encounter was no exception. I especially liked this paraphrased question I threw out, “With my resume in front of you, and with all that you have heard from me so far today, what do you think will be this position’s biggest challenge for me?” Talk about a deer in headlights. These people then talked for about five minutes and didn’t really say anything – kinda like my entries at this place.
I may go into more detail about this interview later, but what I really wanted to talk about was my first “real job” interview. I had recently moved to the State College, Pa., area in 1999 and was full of hope and optimism that I could find a good career- starting job. Boy was I naïve. Anyway, I forget when I first applied to a nearby newspaper called the Altoona Mirror, but it was sometime in the spring. The local minor-league baseball team, the Curve, was looking for a beat writer, and I sent in my resume, samples and all that other stuff. Time went by and nothing happened, but some time later I received a call from a gentleman named Joe Frollo. He was from the Mirror and asked if I would be interested about a copyeditor’s position that his publication was looking to fill. Seeing how I was still without a full-time job I immediately jumped at the opportunity to put my edumacation to good use. (I was working a seasonal third-shift job at a yearbook publishing company, and while I liked this position it wasn’t going to be around forever.)
So what happened at my first “real job” interview? Did I wow my soon-to-be bosses with accurate speling and good grammer? Tune in tomorrow to read the exciting conclusion!
• Uh-oh. Jesus at a Christmas festival. Egads. Actually, I think a better argument would be complaining about the commercialism of Christ’s birthday, but whatever. This reminds me of an episode of M*A*S*H* when Hawkeye and McEntire were trying to get some medical device and eventually ended up at a general’s press conference. After the general said some powder-puff remarks, our commie surgeons started asking what M*A*S*H* units weren’t properly equipped with devices that could help save soldiers. The reporters then began following up on this inquiry. Flustered, the general says, “This is a press conference. The last thing I want to do is answer a bunch of questions.” Not sure if this is relevant here, but it just popped into my mind.
• Former vice presidential candidate John Edwards doesn’t like Wal-Mart, even though his staffers don’t mind trying to get Playstation3s from the retail giant.
But that’s not what I want to talk about. This is funnier:
Maybe the reason limousine liberals don’t like Wal-Mart is because it doesn’t offer valet parking.
• So I was goofing around with Comcast's On Demand again and came across this gem of a movie called “Pumpkinhead.” Oh dear God. I’m not going to bother talking about the plot, so let me rip off what someone at IMDB said.
OK. First question. Who the hell would name a demon Pumpkinhead? Oddly enough, rather than looking like a pumpkin, this demon looked more like that thing from the Hellraiser movie that just roamed around in that hallway and fought the leading lady over that hippie cube toward the film’s climax. Pumpkinhead was one of those movies that was so bad I couldn’t stop watching. I will say that I liked how the guy who called up Pumpkinhead slowly turned into him, or whatever the hell it was he did. And at least the dog lived, or I think it did.
Oh, man. There are Pumpkinhead sequels? I’m sure they will appear On Demand in the next month or so.
I seem to remember last year when Katrina was still fresh in everybody’s minds hearing how we were headed to a new generation of hurricanes, thanks to global warming and George W. Bush. Why, they were going to be bigger and badder; super-sized even! Well, now it’s one year later, and where are these uber-hurricanes? Where’s Robert F. Kennedy Jr. in that god-awful annoying-as-fuck voice of his trying to make me feel guilty for driving to work rather than taking a dozen transfers in order to show up at my job after a five-hour commute courtesy of public transportation? Buck up enviro-weenies. There’s always next year.
While I’m on this subject I feel like taking a trip down memory lane. I’ve noticed during the last few years an AccuWeather meteorologist by the name of Joe Bastardi has made a few appearances on Sean Hannity’s radio show, among other places. Having worked at AccuWeather years ago, I’ve been around this guy. Now you may be expecting me to bring up some stories of how he sliced Asian children in half and drank their blood. Not quite. I will say that this guy is a horrible-ass writer. (I know. Pot. Kettle. Black. Fuck you.) Every morning I had to proofread this daily column of his that was posted on AccuWeather’s Web site. Holy fuck. If you people thought I rambled on and on and on and on, don’t EVER read his stuff. It was so bad that when I started working there I was told to just glance through it and just move it along because it wasn’t worth revising. Besides, there were a few hundred other clients that needed worked on, and those were of more importance than “WebJB,” which was the filename of Bastardi’s daily column.
Ha. I just went on Wikpedia and found this. No, I didn’t write it.
Actually, what I really want to bitch about regarding Bastardi was during my final weeks at AccuWeather. My boss knew I was leaving. No, I wasn’t burning any bridges. The better half had just been accepted to the University of Dayton and I let my boss know at least 4-5 months ahead of time that I was going to be leaving. During this time the other copyeditor on my shift got promoted, and the company had just hired this chick to take over her full-time slot. (I was a part-timer and my replacement didn’t get hired until 2-3 months later.) Now we were always busy, and I frequently stayed past my scheduled shift (getting paid, of course) to help her out. One of my selfless acts of charity was to edit WebJB. Every day. Ugh.
Not many women worked at AccuWeather during my time there, and couple that with the fact she wasn’t 300 lbs with five kids, this chick, who just graduated nearby Penn State University, was much more popular with the male meteorologists than I could have ever been. She of course knew this, and we actually had an inside joke going about my status as “phantom” copyeditor. Well, one day Bastardi came over to our station and began showering this chick with praise about what a great job she was doing and how his columns looked great. Never mind the fact I was reading those bastards every fucking day. When I went to ask Joe about a letter to the editor he wrote the other day in the local newspaper, he told me to shut up! You bitch. Needless to say, his WebJB columns weren’t as readable for the rest of my time there.
But I can’t be all that hard on Bastardi. After all, there were many days when he wore sweatpants to work. Respect due.
Spoilers ahead. You’ve been warned.
Yesterday I was fiddling around with Comcast’s On Demand service and decided to check out this new horror section. While browsing through the selection of so-called horror movies, I figured what the hell and watched "Night of the Living Dead." Of course, this wasn’t the original black-and-white version. Instead, it was the crappy re-make that was done back in the late 1980s; why they decided to do this I have no idea. Hell, nobody really dies from zombies either. Now granted there were that many zombie-related deaths in the first one, but you'd figure with the remake they'd show a few humans getting eaten. Well, OK, that kid’s mom gets killed by her daughter, but that zombie-kill doesn’t count. And the ending was just plain dumb. First off, I liked the black guy in the original, and you felt bad when he got off’d. With Living Dead v. 2.0, he turns into a zombie and the chick who got killed in the original version is now the heroine. At least some things didn’t change. The film still took place in redneck-ville, and the sad thing is the producers did a pretty decent job of capturing the residents of the flyover portions of Pennsylvania.
I’m not a big zombie fan, and when it comes to the “of the Dead” set of movies, I have to say the original “Night of the Living Dead” was my favorite. “Day of the Dead” comes in second with “Dawn of the Dead” a distant third. I haven’t seen “Land of the Dead” yet, so as of right now I’m pretending it never happened. I started a thread a while back about why I don’t like “Dawn,” and my feelings on the matter haven’t changed much, if at all. In fact, I must reiterate the following:
A side note regarding “Day of the Dead,” back in the 1980s I had this friend who would always say, “Fucking ‘a, biggest piece of meat in the cave.” Once I saw “Day,” I finally got what he was talking about. Oh, and the one guy, I think he was the commander, reminded me of Eric Bischoff.
While watching last night’s movie, it got me the thinking. If zombies were to roam the streets, how would I react? Well, I probably wouldn’t bother boarding up the house. They’re going to get in anyway, so I should spend my energy elsewhere. Now, if I heard on the news about the zombie-fest from home and had a few hours to think about what to do, I might consider driving to my brother-in-law’s house. Not only is it a bigger house than mine, but he has guns and I’m sure he has an attic or something that can offer better protection. If this plan was deep-sixed, I’d try to get up in my pseudo-attic. The problem is I’d have to unscrew some ventilation fan in order to get up there. I’d also have to pray the zombies don’t pile upon each other because the ceiling is only a few feet above my head.
I think a better course of action would be to go into the either my basement’s fruit cellar or garage. The garage would be the less preferred of the two because while there is only one door to get in or out, I’m sure if enough zombies banged on the garage door they might eventually break in. And considering the car in the garage would be blocked the other care in driveway, I really wouldn’t be able to drive away. The fruit cellar would be a better barricading facility. There’s only one door, and I could put a pantry in front of it, too. The only problem is that there are no bathroom facilities, but oh well. The only problem with this shelter, like many other options, is that I would have no idea what’s going on in the outside world. Then again, if zombies were roaming about, I don’t think I’d want to know what’s going on. Any, yes, the cats would be in the fruit cellar with me and the better half.
• You know what’s offensive about the whole Kramer-saying-the-n-word-at-a-nightclub story? Not Kramer saying naughty words. The “offended’ audience members wanting money for the whole thing. And is it any shock that bottom-feeder Gloria Allred is representing the plaintiffs?
Wait a second, Kramer apologized to Jesse Jackson and Poo-face? Were they in the audience, too? N*ggas plz.
• I’m in a bit of a pickle. You see, I’ve been called many things in my life – asshole, sexist, Jew, fag, bad tipper. And those are some of the nicer labels thrown at me. Another title I've earned over the years is “hard to shop for.” If you buy me an article of clothing, I won’t wear it. And other than watching movies, playing video games and listening to music, I really don’t spend disposable income on anything else, and if you try to buy me one of these three things I either already own what you purchased, or I’ll never get around to play/watch/listen to whatever you got. It’s not because I’m some sort of snob, but rather because I’m generally content with my possessions. Yeah, it’s always nice to get more stuff, but I’m not going to go bonkers just because I don’t get latest John Madden football game during its launch date. Actually, I only did this once with the 2003 edition, and I haven’t even purchased the last two Madden games to come out. Anyway, the better half always bitches because she can never figure out what to get me for Christmas or my birthday. Gee, sorry to disappoint you, yet again; at least this time it's out of the bedroom. I’ll try to be more superficial and materialistic next year. Well this year she’s CONVINCED that she got me a gift I’ll never expect. The problem is I already know what it is. It’s the most recent South Park DVD to come out. How do I know this? Elementary. Basically, I saw her looking at it in a Thanksgiving Day circular, and when she said how much money she was getting off the regular price, I did 1+1 and came up with South Park Season 8. So should I be an asshole and tell her that I already know, or should I just keep my mouth shut. Actually, if she really wanted to surprise me she would get those James Bond DVDs that were just released, or Adobe Creative Suite 2 that is for sale at her workplace for just a fraction of its retail price.
And she seems so proud of being able to “stump” me this year.
Well Thanksgiving was harmless enough. No crack whore. No out-of-control teen niece-in-law. Just food. And lots of it. I’m generally a no-frills eater, and Turkey Day is no exception to this rule. Just give me turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and corn and I’m happy. I love yams, but they get in the way, as do green beans. As for the other shit that’s put out on our buffet spread, bah, I don’t care. Since the better half can’t eat poultry because it gets her sick, she always makes these veggie dishes that make me want to gag. This year her concoction involved several different kinds of peppers, onions and stringy green beans. She also made these hippie stuffed mushroom things, which weren’t much better. And guess who had to hold both containers in his lap during the drive to the in-laws? Yep.
After stuffing myself silly on this one day of the year where it’s OK to be a pig (I had three full plates worth of the goodness mentioned above; I was so sick afterward I couldn’t get up from the recliner), there is another tradition I have taken part in the last few years. That tradition is going out on Black Friday to be one of those idiots trying to get good deals at 6 a.m. Unfortunately, I did no such thing this year. There were some things I would have gobbled up like the food I had consumed the day before, but I made a promise to myself that the better half’s credit card debt comes first. Oh the sacrifices I make.
The funny thing about Black Friday is that with all the stupid stories I have about life at the Quickie Mart, the food-service industry and the theater, along the other day-to-day experiences I have encountered during my brief time on this planet, I really don’t have any Black Friday experiences worth telling. I think part of the reason is that because I’m a strapping young lad most people don’t try to trample over me in order to get to that $20 DVD player. I mean, I’ve heard people bitching while at Best Buy or Kohls trying to get a $5 toaster or $3 video game, but it was nothing worth repeating. Basically, whenever I’m in one of these situations I just stay in line and zone out because I know I’ll be standing around for quite a long time. In lieu of any worthwhile Black Friday stories, let me try and remember what I got last year at this time.
Best Buy: Hell, I don’t remember. Probably some DVDs.
Target: Some DVD’s, I think. I know that’s when I got Napoleon Dynamite and that Family Guy Stewie Special. Now for those that always label me a negative ninny, let me say that I’m not actually all that upset for dredging through the Black Friday mess for these two DVDs: one that was disappointing and the other that was a full-fledged piece of shit. In fact, I’m glad I bought Napoleon Dynamite at the price I did because otherwise I would have had to kill someone for paying a higher price for that garbage.
Kohls: Some “Scene It?” games, a food vacuum sucker thing, a mini fryer that’s been used all of one time, and some other shit I can’t remember.
Office Max: A shredder, these nice computer speakers and some work-related office supplies stuff. Call me an employee with a bad attitude if you want, but one thing I know how to do is keep my department’s costs down.
Mall: I don’t think I got anything.
GameStop: A few video games, Star Wars Battlefront being the one that jumps out. Oh, and NHL ’06 and Grand Turismo 3.
Wal-Mart: I think last year was when I got a vacuum “lite” for the basement. Not quite a “real” vacuum, but not a hand-held either. Still works rather well.
All in all, I remember saving several hundred dollars, so yes, missing out on this year’s Black Friday did take some willpower for me to accomplish. Good thing that “turkey dope” didn’t make me all that motivated to get up and go shopping the next day. Well, that and staying up until 4 a.m. playing video games. Oh, and did I mention that aside from the things I bought for Mrs. kkk, all of this shit was purchased for me? You people with the somewhat normal families and your holiday get-togethers: keep 'em. I want none of that shit.
Might as well get these out of the way first. Rest of the games will be coming later today:
(2.5) Miami at Detroit
Normally Detroit, no matter how shitty they are all season, seem to get up for this one time they are on national television, but I feel like ruining the Dolphins' winning streak by picking them instead.
Tampa Bay at Dallas (11.5)
Dallas will probably win, although this is could be a letdown week for them. Because of that, I'm going with the upset or a close Cowboys win.
Denver at Kansas City (1.5)
It's a divisional game, and it's pretty much a straight-up pick 'em. I'll go with the Chiefs for the heck of it.
Arizona at Minnesota (6.5)
I’m eyeing that point spread with caution, but I think the Vikings will be able to pull this one out.
(4.5) Carolina at Washington
Time for Carolina to do that second-half-of-season run, and I’m only a few weeks late in jumping on this train.
Chicago at New England (3.5)
I heard someone today mention this as a possible Super Bowl match-up. Or should I say rematch? That got me the thinking about the last time these two met in the Super Bowl, with Chicago crushing New England. I also remembered the two teams making music videos. Most every football fan from the 1980s remembers the Bears’ Super Bowl Shuffle, but I also recall the Patriots song. I don’t remember much about it, but the chorus went something like, “New England, the Patriots and me,” or something like that. I actually preferred the Pats song over the Bears as a kid, and after re-watching both I remember why I liked it better. I'm a fag. Well, that and also because I think it satisfied my ADD. I also remember the New York Mets had a tune of their own, but the only thing I remember about that is some guy in the video treating several Met players like bobblehead dalls, and they beat him up. Ha. That guy was Joe Piscopo. Oh, yeah. I take the Patriots in this one; I think their defense will be too much for Rex Grossman.
(3.5) Cincinnati at Cleveland
The battle of Ohio. I think the Bengals will win and start a run for a Wild Card spot.
Houston at N.Y. Jets (5.5)
After a tough loss to the Bears and with the Texans coming in, I’d normally go with the Jets, but that point spread. Oh what the hell. I’ll take them anyway.
(3.5) Jacksonville at Buffalo
I’m a little surprised at this spread, which is why I’ll take the Jags on the road.
New Orleans at Atlanta (3.5)
Even though I think the Saints might be in the start of a predicted late-season fall, I can’t go with the Falcons with how shitty they have played as of late.
(3.5) N.Y. Giants at Tennessee
Like the Jacksonville game, the point spread surprises me. Then again, Tennessee can play a team tough. Nevertheless, I’ll go with the Giants on the road.
Philadelphia at Indianapolis (9.5)
First the Eagles lost McNabb. Now they face a Colts team that had its first loss of the season. I’ll take Indy, even with the spread.
Pittsburgh at Baltimore (2.5)
If Baltimore wins, hopefully this will shut up the idiot Steeler fans who think the black and gold are still in playoff contention. This is a physical rivalry, but the Ravens play the Steelers good at home. Throw in McNair, and I’ll also throw in a few touchdown passes.
San Francisco at St. Louis (5.5)
San Francisco has been playing well as of late, and St. Louis has been screwing me over. Fuck the Rams.
Oakland at San Diego (13.5)
I don’t like that spread, and I’ve won with Oakland losing somewhat close games as of late. I think that streak ends with a blowout, especially with what happened the last time these two played earlier in the season.
Green Bay at Seattle (10.5)
I’m taking Seattle, and I STILL don’t know who is starting at quarterback and running back.
Well it’s that time of the year again. Time to give thanks. Time for family. Eh. I’m giving thanks I don’t give a shit about my family. Mom came over Sunday. She just graduated from Jesus school and is going to do God-knows-what. Hey, I made a funny. I don’t hate her or anything – it’s just that we were never really close. She spent the 1980s and 1990s working and going to night school, and I spent that time with baby sitters and latch keys. I think part of this is the reason why family doesn’t mean that much to me. Then again, it could also be because my family is fucking insane, but then again most families are. That’s what makes them families. My old man, well, I haven’t spoken to him in about a year-and-a-half since the wedding. I don’t really know what happened to cause this so-called “rift,” but I have an idea as to what caused it.
It was three Thanksgivings ago, and I already my Turkey Day itinerary lined up for a week. First it was an early afternoon stop at the future in-laws. Later on that day, I had a restaurant dinner set up with the old lady. She was in Ohio at the time and stopped by the Shittsburgh region to see me (God knows why) and some other people she knows around here. I was supposed to meet her around 4 p.m. She called me a week or two before Thanksgiving, and I jotted her down in my ever-so-filled social calendar. Then it happened. The night before Thanksgiving, I get a call from the old man and asks if I want to go to his house for turkey day. That’s where it all went downhill.
You see, my parents have been divorced for more than 20 years now, and my policy of who gets what holiday with me (you’d figure they’d fight over who doesn’t have to spend holidays with me) was first-come first-serve. This rule was used often when I lived away from Shittsburgh, especially when I took up residence in Ohio for a few years. If one parent called and asked if they could stop over for a holiday, my time is booked. Several times my old man called me before the old lady for a Christmas visit or something similar, and I would tell my mom that “dad already beat you to it.” She’d understand and come over another time. Well, this Thanksgiving was the first time I had to bump dad off the list. You see, he lives more than one hour away, and I wasn’t about to cut my mom’s time short from her Thanksgiving visit. I was going to be at the future in-laws from 1 p.m. to about 3 p.m. Then it was time to see the old lady for a few hours. There was no way I would then drive out for a third Thanksgiving visit. Call me a bad son, and I’ll agree with you. Because of this, the old man now thinks I’m “ignoring” him and I haven’t heard hardly a peep from him in three years. Oh well. I’ve managed to survive thus far without his … uniqueness. Want to know what he’s like? Well, the scary thing is I see a lot of him in me, but there are two major difference. Difference one: I’m not a union Democrat. Difference two: I know I’m full of shit. Other than that, the similarities I see between the two of use downright scares me.
But all this was three years ago. Tomorrow it’s just one visit to the in-laws. This will probably be one of the better Thanksgivings I’ve experienced over there, considering the crack-whore sister-in-law probably won’t be in attendance. The first year she decided to “show us” and not arrive was one of the better Thanksgiving encounters I experienced. The highlight was when the crack-whore called in the middle of dinner to ask if someone would drive her to the laundromat. Of course, she had NO idea that we were eating at the time. No, she just called at the same time that her family has had this annual dinner since, well, forever. This year should be even better because the crack-whore’s out-of-control teen daughter will probably be away, too. The reason? She’s fighting with the mother-in-law and was recently caught lying, which is resulting in the mother-in-law taking this chick off of her auto insurance, or some shit like that. Ever since this fight, which took place a week ago, this chick hasn’t been back home (she “lives” with my mother-in-law because, well, her mom’s a crack whore). Anyway, this self-imposed exile will probably mean I don’t have to put up with her presence.
Hey, maybe I do have something to be thankful for this year.
With the Thanksgiving games coming up, I might as well provide the week-that-was early on.
Atlanta at Baltimore (4.5). Correct.
And the Falcons looked pretty good at the start of this season. What happened?
Buffalo at Houston (2.5). Correct.
I made a last-second switch to Buffalo, and it’s a good thing I did.
(6.5) Chicago at N.Y. Jets. Correct.
I also made an audible at the line of scrimmage with this game. Woo-hoo. The Jets played them tough, but the Bears defense played New York tougher.
Cincinnati at New Orleans (3.5). Correct.
I didn’t think the Saints would win this, but I thought the game would be closer than this. I wonder if this is the start of New Orleans’ slide down the standings.
(1.5) Indianapolis at Dallas. Incorrect.
OK, so Dallas has defeated a quality team (I’m sure a case can be made for the Cowboys win at Carolina, but that’s beside the point), but the Colts had to lose a game sometime. Much like how this week may have been the start of the Saints’ decline, I wonder if this is the start of the Cowboys run to the playoffs.
Minnesota at Miami (3.5). Incorrect.
Missed by half-a-point. Shucks. And most of Miami’s scoring took place on the defensive side of the ball.
(6.5) New England at Green Bay. Correct.
I had a feeling this could be a blowout. I like it when I’m on the winning side of these games.
Oakland at Kansas City (9.5). Correct.
Keep those close losses coming Oakland. I need all the help I can get.
(3.5) Pittsburgh at Cleveland. Incorrect.
Shit. I watched this game, and the Browns should have won. But in typical Cleveland fashion, they found a way to screw it up.
St. Louis at Carolina (7.5). Incorrect.
Bah. I thought the Rams would be able to score at least one touchdown.
Tennessee at Philadelphia (13.5). Correct.
I didn’t think Tennessee would win. I also didn’t think McNabb would tear his ACL. Ouch.
Washington at Tampa Bay (3.5). Incorrect.
Another half-point loss. I know of nothing else to say about this game.
Detroit at Arizona (2.5). Correct.
For as bad as Arizona is, Detroit is worse. Much worse. Well, maybe not much worse, but worse nevertheless.
(6.5) Seattle at San Francisco. Incorrect.
Has San Francisco improved that much? I don’t think so. Perhaps I should start paying attention to see which starters for Seattle are still on the injured list.
San Diego at Denver (2.5). Correct.
I’m sure Drew Brees couldn’t get the Chargers to much better a start to the season’s first half than Philip Rivers has. Then again, having a star running back, tight end and stingy defense can’t hurt, either.
N.Y. Giants at Jacksonville (3.5). Incorrect.
Poor Emily. And what was up with Jack Del Rio wearing that suit?
This week’s record: 9-7
Cumulative record: 78-82
With several losing games decided by a half-point, I feel like this week is a loss.
• No wonder Seinfeld didn't have any regular black characters. I always liked George and Jerry best, with Kramer coming in third, followed by Elaine at a distant, distant fourth, but after hearing this I might move Cosmo up a spot or two. Giddiap.
Of course, nobody is saying anything about the racist epithets hurled at poor Kramer. “Cracker”? My people deserve better than this. Wait, the guy's a Jew? Nevermind.
• I guess It’s only appropriate a wedding took place where the best truck for this ceremony was called “Grave Digger,” considering the groom is about to embark on a slow death with that ring on his finger. This couple won a contest to get hitched at a monster truck rally, which makes me wonder what the losers of this contest must feel like – will they now attempt to say their vows at the local Wal-Mart or McDonald’s? I was never into monster truck rallies, although I remember when Bigfoot was the shizzle. I'm not sure if that truck is still around, but I do remember Grave Digger back in those days.
• Ryan Howard is the NL’s Most Valuable Player. Fuck those hippie win-share and other gay-ass stats. I say good for him. Now it’s only a matter of time until we find out he takes the roids.
Let’s see if I can put a winning streak going with two .500+ weeks in a row.
Atlanta at Baltimore (4.5)
Oh I so know this one is going to bite me in the ass. Atlanta has stunk it up and is facing a division leader. Yeah, Baltimore squeaked one from the Titans, but the Falcons lost to the freakin’ Browns and Lions.
Buffalo at Houston (2.5)
I don’t know what will become of this one. Will the scrappy Buffalo team show up and beat the favored Texans, or will the fold-like-a-house-of-cards Bills stink up the joint? Wait a second: Houston beat the Jags last week. Letdown week. I’m calling an audible at the line of scrimmage and going with Buffalo.
(6.5) Chicago at N.Y. Jets
The Bears are returning to the scene of the last week’s crime. The Giants are supposedly better than the Jets and lost by double digits to Chicago last week. Chicago usually routes losing teams, but I’ll go with the Jets to keep it close. Wait a second. The Jets beat New England last week. Another audible.
Cincinnati at New Orleans (3.5)
I’m interested to see how this one pans out. Both teams seem to be hitting the skids and this might be a good “let’s see who the pretender” is game. I don’t know why, but I’m going with Cincinnati in this one.
(1.5) Indianapolis at Dallas
Uh oh. Dallas is playing a good team. However, it’s at home and against a team that is the lone undefeated franchise in the NFL this year. But it’s a winning team. I’ll go with Indy.
Minnesota at Miami (3.5)
Looks like Miami is making their “look how good we’ll be next year” push, but I’ll stick with the Vikings. I’ll probably fall for the Dolphins hype in another week or two.
(6.5) New England at Green Bay
The Patriots lost last week to a divisional opponent. They’ll win to a cold climate team on the road, especially if it’s the Packers.
Oakland at Kansas City (9.5)
Let’s see if the Raiders can keep the streak of losing within the spread going.
(3.5) Pittsburgh at Cleveland
Both teams are 3-6, although one should be better than that, and it’s not the squad from Cleveland. Normally I’d take the Steelers in this instance, but this is a divisional game against the Browns. Crazy things happen when these two get together in Cleveland.
St. Louis at Carolina (7.5)
I’d normally go with the Panthers but when I saw that point spread my first thought was the Rams losing in a close game, so that’s what I’m picking.
Tennessee at Philadelphia (13.5)
I don’t think the Titans will win, but they’ve lost a few close ones this year. Here’s hoping this is another one of those times.
Washington at Tampa Bay (3.5)
And to think this was close Wild Card game last year.
Detroit at Arizona (2.5)
If only all their games would be this compelling, the NFL would be like … the NHL. For as much as I like hockey (well, I really don’t, but I watch during playoff time), it’s sadly a niche sport. But if it’s financially viable, then that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
(6.5) Seattle at San Francisco
Seattle struggled against a divisional opponent last week. Here’s hoping that’s not the case this game.
San Diego at Denver (2.5)
I have a feeling winning road games at Cincinnati and at Denver is a bit too much to ask, but I don’t care. My first thought was to go with the Chargers, so that’s what I will do.
N.Y. Giants at Jacksonville (3.5)
Let’s see if Emily and company can win one at their former coach’s crib.
