10:30 p.m.
• Time for another pic of the kids.
This was taken not too long after we first took Max in as a stray. He had a hell of a time trying to get the other two to like him. Here he is trying to charm Dessa by thinking if they lay on the same bed together it will expediate the bonding process; it's been 2+ years and he's still working on it. Well, actually, I think he's given up, and who can blame him? Bitches be trippin'.
• There’s one thing I hate more than mowing my lawn, and that’s Jews. Seriously, they own the banks, they own the media and they own the entertainment industry. And even though they want you to think they suck at sports, there’s Sandy Koufax and Shawn Green. Wait a second, I’m getting off-track. There’s two things I hate more than mowing my lawn. What’s the second thing?
Mowing my lawn for the first time in the spring.
Oh sweet Jesus do I fucking hate this shit. The grass gets a head start growing after the snow melts and the rain pours, keeping my lawnmower indoors while the land sprouts. And then when it’s warm enough for me to feel motivated and prime up the ol’ mower it takes me three-and-a-half hours and five 40 gallon lawn bags before I finish. But it’s done – for now. Where’s an undocumented Mexican when you really need one?
• I posted my NHL playoff picks a while back, and even though I think I’m doing OK over in the Eastern Conference, I know I’ve got Nashville going far in the West. Oops. Well, I might as well do the NBA now and get it over with.
EASTERN CONFERENCE -- FIRST ROUND
Magic (8) v. Pistons (1): I have no idea who is on the Magic. There’s some Howard kid that’s supposed to be good. Hey, is Bo Outlaw still playing? He is! And it looks like he still wears those funky glasses. Pistons in 5.
Wizards (7) v. Cavs (2): The Wizards should be the eighth seed by default. What a lucky break the Cavs got with the Bulls choking in their final game of the regular season, thus dropping from the second to the fifth seed and giving Cleveland this matchup. Cavs in 5.
Nets (6) v. Raptors (3): I have no clue who is on the Raptors. They got the top draft pick last year, if memory serves, so I guess that went well. Nets in 6.
Bulls (5) v. Heat (4): With all the talk about the Bulls losing the second seed, they still played Miami tough in last year’s opening round. Although the Heat have to be a good team; after all, Pat Riley has said that he will coach them next year. If the Heat were going to suck, Riles would be out like shout. Bulls in 6.
EASTERN CONFERENCE -- SECOND ROUND
Bulls (5) v. Pistons (4): I remember those Bulls/Pistons matchups from the late 1980s/early 1990s. Fuck MJ. Fuck Scottie Pippen. Pistons in 6.
Nets (6) v. Cavs (2): I like Lebron. Cavs in 6.
EASTERN CONFERENCE -- THIRD ROUND
Cavs (2) v. Pistons (1): It’ll be like last year, only one round further. Pistons in 6.
WESTERN CONFERENCE -- FIRST ROUND
Warriors (8) v. Mavericks (1): No clue who is on the Warriors. I’ve heard they’ve beaten the Mavs as of late. Hooray for them. Mavericks in 5.
Lakers (7) v. Suns (2): Hope you like scoring all those points, Kobe, because that’s all you have to look forward to. Suns in 5.
Nuggets (6) v. Spurs (3): How has the Iverson experiment gone? I haven’t been paying attention. Spurs in 5.
Rockets (5) v. Jazz (4): I’m surprised the Jazz did as good as they did. However, I heard that some European guy is hurt, and I’m not sure if it’s the really good white guy Utah has. I’m not taking any chances. Rockets in 6.
WESTERN CONFERENCE -- SECOND ROUND
Rockets (5) v. Mavericks (1): I like Yao. I like T-Mac. I don’t like Houston’s chances of moving on. Mavericks in 6.
Spurs (3) v. Suns (2): I remember watching some of last years’ Spurs/Mavericks second-round playoff matchup. What a great contest that was. It’s a shame one of these teams has to lose. Spurs in 7.
WESTERN CONFERENCE -- THIRD ROUND
Spurs (3) v. Mavericks (1): I give the nod to Dallas because San Antonio will be worn out due to all that running in their last round. Mavericks in 6.
NBA FINALS
Pistons (1) v. Mavericks (1): Dallas will finish what they started last year, and I get to laugh when David Stern hands the trophy over to Mark Cuban just as he gets on his private jet to make more pro-terrorist films. Mavericks in 6.
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 30: Lovecraft/Gary Floyd
He hates freedom, to be sure. But he also hates commies, which is a bigger plus than the former is a minus. He likes horror movies, too. Really likes them. Update your blog, hippie.
And now a word or two from the expert panel I've assembled to comment on the people I've listed.
From Black Lushus:
From Carnival:
6 p.m.
• Being a tireless A-Rod defender, I was a bit nervous when he popped out with the bases loaded early on in the season. However, it looks like he’s doing rather well for himself as of late.
If the Yankees reach the postseason, for his sake I hope Rodriguez can be money in October as he is in April.
• So NBC showed that Jap’s video. (Korean, Japanese, what’s the difference?)
If we really wanted to “understand” this nut, then his incoherent ramblings should have been aired uncensored (like my blog entries). But we can’t put this…
…anywhere NEAR a video camera or printing press. Whatever.
• Yeah, the story itself is dumb.
What makes me laugh is the patriotic scarf.
1 p.m.
• Remember that "pensis" ad I posted a while back? Well, this little gem paid a visit to my e-mail inbox just now.
8 p.m.
• For those that care, the mail issue has been resolved. When I called the post office on Friday, I actually spoke to the chick that delivered mail on my street. Basically, she said that she couldn’t find my mailbox and though that rusted out piece of shit was indeed my mailbox. When I mentioned my neighbor who needs to get his mail at his doorstep, she said, “Oh I knew about that,” to which my response was, “then why was his mail with mine in the wrong mailbox. Silence. Oh, and that rusted mailbox is now hanging by a thread from its post.
• Here’s an update on the sterile Mexican family. Despite having the income of a part-time janitor, and the expenses of two test-tube kids, this household purchased a house, a new car and luxury items like a projection television. Did I mention they claimed bankruptcy a few years back due to maxed out credit cards? Well last night we discovered that – surprise – they are at least three months back on their mortgage payments with a house they bought less than 15 months ago. Whenever I hear welfare-reform opponents whine about how cruel we are to our nation’s poor, I get the urge to laugh until I cry.
• I hope there aren’t any great expectations for this place. LOL2007~!
If you dont' get the joke, go read a book. Then again, I don't read any of this hippie shit either.
1 p.m.
• So as I was driving to work this morning I heard on the radio some story about this local college athlete getting arrested due to a domestic dispute. I can’t tell you who the athlete was or what sport he played. All I can tell you is that the fight started over a set of car keys. Oh, and the chick saying that the “violence started after she hit him in the chest.” Uh, no, bitch – the violence started WHEN you hit that guy in the chest. I don’t advocate violence on females (unless, of course, they are really deserving of it, like when they don't have your dinner ready when you home from work), but when you bitches strike us first it should be on like Donkey Kong.
Ah, here's the story.
If all this is true, I wouldn't punish Benjamin outside of the normal criminal conduct code for two people fighting in public. A college basketball player for a Division 1A program and all she got was a bleeding knee along with a few scratches and bruises. I think she got off rather lucky. The only thing I'd fault Benjamin for is poor choice in women, but then again the article says "former girlfriend."
9:30 p.m.
• The better half and I have this ongoing joke where I call her a “ho.” (Don’t ask. It’s a LONG story.) Well, like many things, this joke has morphed over time. One of these changes came when I finally got her to watch Season 1 of “The Shield.” There is this storyline that carried for an episode or two where officers Dani and Gay Julian dealt with this love triangle: one fat white woman and two black guys. Basically, this chick was banging one guy then the next, and every time the officers went to that address for some domestic disturbance call, the gal was with a different guy. One time the cops were called out there because one of the guys spray-painted “ho” on the woman’s front door. But on the next call out there, when the guy who spray-painted “ho” suddenly became that woman’s squeeze for the day, in response to his earlier graffiti he spray-pained “s” and “e” to transform that derogatory term from “ho” to “shoe.” When Mrs. kkk saw this “shoe” scene, she bust out laughing, so now instead of calling her “ho,” in many instances I call her “shoe.” It’s all love talk. Anyway, today we went to a local Chinese buffet due to both of us having crazy days at work. While we were there, this family came in and was celebrating the birthday of one of their daughters. We knew this because the girl was wearing a paper crown on her head. On the crown it said, “Happy Birthday Mary” and below that it said, “little shoe.” We both laughed.
Oh, and that “Shield” storyline ended with one of the guys killing the other guy and chick … with a GUN!
• An organized crime chief can't afford to pay for car upkeep? Japan's economy must really suck.
Gee, I wonder how that bit got into the article? I liked the last part of the article.
So I guess Japan now needs to ban swords, knives, matches and gasoline in order for its citizens to feel really safe.
• Not only was Jersey’s governor not wearing a seatbelt in his recent accident, but also his SUV was going 91 mph. That’s funny.
I wonder if the law will treat Corzine the same way as it would a regular person who got into an accident going more than 30 mph over the speed limit and not wearing a seat belt?
• How about calling on distressed borrowers to not buy houses when they clearly can’t afford to make such an investment?
Oh, yeah. Because that would be mean.
9 p.m.
• Remember back during the football season I said that I liked NBC's "Football Night in America"? Well, that may be put to the test this year.
Then again, I shouldn't let my right-wing bias taint this; I liked Keith when he was on SportsCenter. Actually, when he was on ESPN I always wondered what he would be like if he talked about things other than sports. Boy did I ever get my wish. Looks like Sterling's a no-go. He was one of my favorite players before he got hurt. What that has to do with his broadcasting ability I have no idea.
• OK, so the second paragraph made me laugh. And I'm a believer in the Madden curse. If I was a Charger fan and saw LT on the cover, I'd be scared. Very scared.
6:15 p.m.
• So this got me laughing today on my “Around the Horn/PTI” background-noise-during-dinner-hour spectacular. I guess Steve Spurrier doesn’t like the stars and bars on the South Carolina state flag.
Of course there was a near circle-jerk about what a great guy Steve is and all that, but I was thinking what if Spurrier came out and said he thought the flag should stay as is. Boy would today’s reactions be a different. As for me, I don’t care what Spurrier says about this issue; actually I don’t really care what anybody says about the confederate flag. I’m a hated Yankee.
• Regarding the whole Virginia Tech thing: From an AIM chat earlier today with everybody’s favorite SNL recapper.
Great. Now I get to hear libs go “OMG GUNS R EVIL~!” for the next few weeks. Too bad there weren’t any thuggish Miami Hurricane players there; they would have put two in that Jap’s head.
• The hell?
I don’t think the better half and I were with our H&R Block chick for even an hour this year.
8:30 p.m.
• Why do I do this to myself? That’s right, because it’s funny as hell. So I decided to turn on “Baseball Tonight” and lo’ and behold who do I see on JACKIE ROBINSON DAY?
and
Oh yeah, this will be good.
I don’t know what I found to be funnier: the game highlights I saw where ESPN showed which players were wearing #42 on JACKIE ROBINSON DAY, or the stat they had featuring “black firsts” in baseball. What caught my eye wasn’t who was first black player, or the first black manager, or the first black general manager, or the first black umpire. It was the first all-black starting lineup, which, according to ESPN, was the 1971 Pirates. Wait a second, wasn’t Roberto Clemente, a Latino, a starter on that team? Time to go to my on-line baseball encyclopedia for an answer.
Now what’s a dirty Latino player doing on a supposedly all-black lineup? (There were probably other Latinos on this team, but I don’t care.) You mean to tell me that in this one instance in honor of JACKIE ROBINSON DAY we’re lumping in black baseball players with Latinos? But yet in recent weeks I’ve had to hear about how there are only NINE PERCENT black ballplayers in Major League Baseball while disregarding the large amount of Latinos engaged in America’s National Pastime. So grouping blacks and other minorities when gathering baseball stats for a specific political agenda is bad every other day of the year except on JACKIE ROBINSON DAY? Gotcha. Oh my God: C.C. Sabathia had a good outing today and when Berman was talking with this player ESPN was showing his stats for the day, and on the line below this information it read, “on JACKIE ROBINSON DAY.” So it looked something like this:
IP 8, H 5, R 1, ER 1, BB 3, SO 10, HR 0, ERA 2.14
On JACKIE ROBINSON DAY
There’s a headline on MLB's home page that reads: “Sabathia does Jackie proud on special day.” Berman also used a similar line when the Twins’ Torii Hunter successfully slid into home. I’m surprised ESPN didn’t target those players who DIDN’T wear #42 today.
5:30 p.m.
• In a somewhat related story to this morning's entry, the people who live to the left of the rusty mailbox pictured below had their trash out on the curb Thursday for our Friday morning pickup. When I came home from work Thursday, I noticed their garbage can was knocked over, probably due to the high winds, and being the good neighbor that I am I went over to put it right-side up. It was then that I noticed they don't tie up their garbage bags that well, if at all. Upon further review, I realized that to them "garbage bag" means "plastic bag you get at the grocery store." What the fuck is wrong with people? Half the time my cats don't cover up their poop when they use the litter, but they're cats. Actually, Dessa and JJ often try to cover up their business by either clawing on the side of the litter box or by scratching the wall next to the litter boxes. And Max will use half the litter in one of their boxes to cover up his bathroom deposit, which means half of that litter used ends up on the floor. At least he tries.
8:30 a.m.
• Long story short. There’s this old guy who lives across the street from me. His wife died a few months ago, and due to health problems he has to use a walker. Because he’s unable to go out and get mail from his mailbox down by the edge of his yard, he arranged it with the post office so that a mailman (fuck using the term "postal carrier") would deliver it to the mailbox by his front door. Well of course several times already my mailbox has had letters addressed to this guy, but that’s not a big surprise. There have been times in the past where I’ve received letters from other people on the block in my mailbox, and my neighbors have received letters addressed to me in their mailboxes. Considering the amount of mail the post office deals with on a daily basis, I try to cut this organization some slack where I can (although there are a number of things that I do like to bitch about regarding this organization).
On Wednesday I normally receive some local discount publication called a PennySaver in my mailbox. For those that don’t know, a PennySaver is like one of those "free bargain circulars" you find at a grocery story or Wal-Mart where people can pimp their used goods for free or for a nominal fee. I don’t read this thing, but it always shows up in my mailbox on Wednesdays. This past Wednesday it didn’t. No biggie, I thought. Because Easter Sunday was a holiday, perhaps the post office is working a day late or something due to the volume of mail it got (it's happened before, and it's perfectly understandable). Besides, I normally don’t get anything in the mail on Wednesdays anyway besides that PennySaver. On Thursday there was no mail. OK, this is a little odd. Thursday is also a slow mail day, but to not get any letters asking me re-finance my mortgage for TWO DAYS in a row? Something’s fishy. Friday: Yep, no mail. Now something is up. I made plans to call the post office Monday and find out what’s going on; I’m not even going to try and sort this out with a person who’s working at the post office on a Saturday. Trust me, if you have an issue with your local mail provider, DO NOT put your hopes in the staff workers who are there on a Saturday. That's like going to a Quickie Mart in order to complain to the third-shift employee about the poor customer service you received earlier that day.
This morning, I asked the better half if we got any mail and she said “nope.” Great. When I went out to get my Sunday newspaper, I pick up the same publication for my other neighbor who is also unable to get her mail. (She’s the wife of the now deceased groundhog-killing neighbor.) As I went to get her paper to put it on her doorstep I figured what the hell and looked into the mailbox of this vacant house across from my residence to see if the mailman put my mail in this piece of shit.
Oh you got to be kidding me.
Not only was my mail in there from the past few days, but there were also several letters addressed to that old guy I talked about in the first paragraph of this entry. And this is what our tax money is going toward? Hell, these people want to INCREASE postage yet again in order to pay for their employee’s bloated salaries and health benefits. Now you might be thinking to yourself, “kkk, maybe all the mailboxes on your street look alike. Maybe someone stole your mail and put it there.” I’m squashing these possibilities right now. The numerals to my street address are “239.” I have lived at this place since 2004. My mailbox’s look and its location haven't changed during this time. Also, included in this stack of mail is another flyer-thingy that I get every Friday, which gets folded up a particular way so that it surrounds my other correspondence for that day, too. If someone would have went through my mail for that day, the flyer would have been all out of whack and I could have been able to tell that someone was looking through my stuff. Finally, a while back my groundhog-killing neighbors had trouble with their mail delivery and they were finding their postal correspondence in the same dilapidated mailbox. And just to show you the difference between where the mailman is supposed to deliver my mail and where this government worker actually ended up doing so, here is a picture of my mailbox.
I hope the “239” isn’t tough for you to find. I guess the fact there isn’t another mailbox next to mine because my neighbor is supposed to have his mail delivered to him at his doorstep is throwing off the government worker. Then again, it was the POST OFFICE who told my neighbor that if he wanted his "doorstep" service, then he would have to take down his curb-side mailbox. OK, now here’s the mailbox I found my most of my recent correspondence in, along with that of my semi-shut-in neighbor.
And they want us to pay, starting in May of this year, 41 cents for sending out a first-class letter.
1 p.m.
• Guess the bird's biological clock was ticking.
12:30 p.m.
• So last night I was watching the NHL playoffs on Versus and I heard that the NHL reseeds its playoff tree every round, making my playoff predictions from a few days ago a moot point. What kind of hippie shit is this? I have no idea when the NHL started doing this. They could have done this from the get-go back when they went from divisional opponents for the first two rounds to conference seedings; I've said that I don't pay much attention to this kind of stuff. Since I'm on the subject, I don't like the automatic reseeding. Having just learned the NHL does this, it appers the NBA doesn't. Good. There's just something lame about reshuffling playoff brackets after each round. Let the chips fall where they may. If a conference's top seed has to play a fourth-seeded team while the second-seeded team gets to play a six-seeded team, then so be it.
Nevertheless, here are my reseeded playoff picks. My first-round picks and comments are unchanged from my first entry.
(1) Buffalo v. (8) NY Islanders – that one guy from Edmonton got traded over to New York for a playoff push and cried. Buffalo’s good. Buffalo in 5.
(2) New Jersey v. (7) Tampa Bay – Martin Brodeur is still doing his thing. It’s nice to have a good goalie this time of year. Devils in 5.
(3) Atlanta v. (6) NY Rangers – I have no clue who is on Atlanta’s team. The Rangers have Jagr. Rangers in 6.
(4) Ottawa v. (5) Shittsburgh – I’ve heard some sports people say this could be the best first-round series of the lot. Uh, yay. Ottawa never seems to win in the postseason. The Penguins haven’t been to the postseason for a few years. I dunno. Senators in 7.
(1) Detroit v. (8) Calgary – I’m sure Detroit’s pissed at losing in the first round last year. Detroit in 5.
(2) Anaheim v. (7) Minnesota – I have nothing. Ducks in 6.
(3) Vancouver v. (6) Dallas – Mike Modano is still playing? Sweet. Stars in 6.
(4) Nashville v. (5) San Jose – The Sharks got Joe Thornton last season from the Bruins. Wait a second, Nashville traded for Petr Forsberg this year. Nashville in 7.
Second Round:
(1) Buffalo beats (6) Rangers in 5.
(4) Ottawa beats (2) Jersey in 6.
(1) Detroit beats (6) Dallas in 5.
(4) Nashville beats (2) Anaheim in 7.
Third Round.
(1) Buffalo beats (4) Ottawa in 5.
(4) Nashville beats (1) Detroit in 7.
Stanley Cup.
(1) Buffalo beats (4) Nashville in 6.
Wow, my playoff tree has changed quite a bit. Do I think this will happen? Probably not. But if it does, I can come back to this and go, "OMG do you see how lame reseeding is?"
9:15 a.m.
• This joke is too easy, even for me.
• The better half went to her niece’s talent show last night. Why didn’t I go? Figure it out. Actually, I did ponder tagging along, but then I heard tickets had to be reserved in advance. On top of that, there was a fight at the in-laws’ house before the show when the brother-in-law told the mother-in-law she needs to throw out the meth-addict niece-in-law. And people wonder why I stay home.
Anyway, from what I heard of this “talent show,” I was first encouraged by the state of my local government school. Apparently, there was these two girls who went up and sang a song about JESUS CHRIST~! Good for the school for allowing this to happen. I’m just curious to know if any faggot parents are going to complain about this egregious violation of church/state separation, because you know that if one student out of 100+ sings about Jesus, that means the school will be forcing the children to read hymns the next day. While I give a thumbs up for letting two kids sing about religion, I then heard what else happened at this government school.
No talent act was to be more than two minutes. TWO MINUTES? And just what would have happened if some kid went over their allotted time – a big cane moves across the stage and yanks him or her off by the neck? They also gave trophies for all the participants at the end of the show. Now I’m not going to go “OMG everybody’s a winner/no competition will make our kids spoiled” over this, because the eternal optimist in me is hoping these were just fancy certificates of participation or something. However, trophies?
My old man likes to tell a story of my one little-league team (well, actually it was the league before little-league, where the coaches pitched to the kids, but whatever) where in the end-of-season tournament we played like a well-oiled machine against this other team and crushed them. We were destined for great things, like winning the division title, or whatever the hell it was. Then our team had to sit and watch as the opponents we just whipped got to receive their near-last-place trophies. According to my old man, everyone on my team went, “What? They got trophies?” and we tanked the next game, getting our “You don’t suck as bad as the first-round losers” trophies to display in our rooms. From there, my baseball career went rapidly downhill, and my old man would never have dreams of being parent to a major-league ballplayer. Gone were his dreams of sitting at Three Rivers Stadium/PNC Park yelling from the bleachers at me because I was putting too much weight on my left foot when I swung at off-speed pitches.
7 p.m.
• If you haven’t read today’s comment section, it looks like one of Vern’s cats will probably be passing away soon. It’s always a sad feeling when one of your pets dies, especially if he/she/it has been part of your life for a long time. Even though my three aren’t quite ready for the old feline's home, they are starting to get up there in age. Dessa is 8, JJ is 7. And while Max is probably only 4 or 5 years old, he has a few conditions that will probably shorten his life. As I’ve said before, back in 2004 our household had one kitty by the name of Shadow who died after we took him in as a stray just three years prior. While he was just with us for only a short time, he more than made his fair share of memories in our household, including this one I talked about last year.
And yes, the guy Shadow clawed up is the same “Mr. Sterile” that’s in line for a promotion to full-time janitor.
With all that being said, here are some pics of Shadow, which were taken when we lived in Ohio.
The last image when Shadow is telling JJ to step off is probably my favorite one of him, and it brings to mind a funny story. When we first moved back to Pennsylvania, we rented a duplex from my hero who employs his daughter at a shit wage and charges her rent for living in his basement apartment. Our duplex had a pretty large unfinished basement, and this was a popular hangout for Dessa, JJ and Shadow. JJ would always go down there and cry, which meant he wanted some company from his little brother. Sure enough, within seconds, Shadow would head on down to their clubhouse. Of course, many times they would end up wrestling down there, and let's just say JJ is more a lover than a fighter, which is funny because he is quite powerful (especially when he's trying to get away during his bathtime). Pretty soon the better half and I would hear JJ shrieking and screaming from the basement, and when we’d make our way downstairs JJ and Shadow would be in a stand-off with both tails puffed out and mounds of gray (read: JJ’s) fur on the floor. Dessa, of course, would have to see what was going on, and this always resulted in more growling/hissing (Dessa has never cared much for her brothers, no matter who they were). After a few squirts of a water bottle, everyone would scatter like roaches from light. Of course, minutes later JJ would go back down in the basement and start crying once again. And sure enough, we’d then see Shadow scamper across the living room on his way back to their very own Fight Club.
Hope this helps, Vern.
11 a.m.
• Well I hope they bring this asshole to justice.
The GOVERNOR was probably not wearing his seat belt?! I certainly hope he has to pay the fine associated with this intentional law-breaking. Click-it or Ticket, buddy. It's bad enough the esteemed governor of my state takes my nickname of "Fast Eddie" to a whole new level...
... and now we have another official wanting us to do as they say and not as they do.
7:30 p.m.
• So you mean to tell me you fuckin with a bald-headed, ol' fat, lumpy, droopy, crack baby look-a-like, cisco drinkin, loud, ignorant, fucked-up teeth, stank hoodrat, won't down, once-a-month bleedin, butthead swap-meet, AFDC, leaned-over tennis shoe, cigarette BUTT baggin bitch? Nigga what's wrong wit you?
6:45 p.m.
• LOL
Wait ... what?!?!
You got to be shitting me. Crystal Gail Mangum won't be facing chargers. Just who does Crystal Gail Mangum think she is? That's right, a psycho bitch that will hopefully, by year's end, be found dead in a ditch covered with blood and cum stains with enough different DNA samples that could fill Madison Square Garden.
6:30 p.m.
• OK, before anyone assumes otherwise, let me assure you – I AM NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP.
Before I begin, we need to take a time machine back to last July when I said the following. Let’s set the scene. I was at a cookout of the family of a friend of the better half. OK, here we go:
The other night we got an update on this loving couple. I’ll call the wife “Amy” and the husband “Dave.” Late last week, when Amy got her most recent bi-weekly paycheck, she went to deposit it at an ATM. When her deposit slip shot out, she noticed that the account was $600 overdrawn – and that was AFTER she made her deposit. Naturally, she was more than curious as to what was going on. She got a transaction sheet and noticed that there was a really, really big withdraw to the account that went to pay off a credit card this couple owns. She got a transaction record of this credit card and discovered the following.
1) A bill for a round-trip airline ticket to and from Australia.
2) A bill for two a two-week stay at a nearby hotel.
Figure it out.
Needless to say, Amy is getting a divorce attorney. Oh, and Amy just found out that Dave quit his job in November and they have been without health insurance for the last four months. Did I mention Amy is a diabetic? Now while I could understand to some degree Amy not knowing right away about her lesser half’s employment situation – she works a first-shift job while Dave’s job was second-shift, so he could just leave the house and shack up with chicks from Down Under until his make-believe shift was over – I can’t for the life of me wonder how she couldn’t notice something was odd when his PAYCHECKS weren’t BEING DEPOSITED in their BANK ACCOUNT. But whatever, it’s not my life.
Oh, yeah. When Amy confronted Dave on all of this, his only response so far has been to accuse Mrs. kkk’s friend of trying to break them up. How was the better half’s friend doing this? By going out socially with Amy and trying to hook her up with guys. How dare these two bitches go out in public.
But you want to know my favorite part of this story? Let me go back to last year’s entry.
Due to her recent life situation, Amy has moved in with the better half’s friend. And what is the father of Mrs. kkk’s friend doing? He’s increasing his daughter's rent by $200 per month. Have I mentioned lately how much in awe am I of this guy?
6 p.m.
• The NHL playoffs are just hours away, so it’s time to make some pickkks. Let’s see, the only NHL players I recognize are those that played in the early 1990s. Oh this should be fun.
(1) Buffalo v. (8) NY Islanders – that one guy from Edmonton got traded over to New York for a playoff push and cried. Buffalo’s good. Buffalo in 5.
(2) New Jersey v. (7) Tampa Bay – Martin Brodeur is still doing his thing. It’s nice to have a good goalie this time of year. Devils in 5.
(3) Atlanta v. (6) NY Rangers – I have no clue who is on Atlanta’s team. The Rangers have Jagr. Rangers in 6.
(4) Ottawa v. (5) Shittsburgh – I’ve heard some sports people say this could be the best first-round series of the lot. Uh, yay. Ottawa never seems to win in the postseason. The Penguins haven’t been to the postseason for a few years. I dunno. Senators in 7.
(1) Detroit v. (8) Calgary – I’m sure Detroit’s pissed at losing in the first round last year. Detroit in 5.
(2) Anaheim v. (7) Minnesota – I have nothing. Ducks in 6.
(3) Vancouver v. (6) Dallas – Mike Modano is still playing? Sweet. Stars in 6.
(4) Nashville v. (5) San Jose – The Sharks got Joe Thornton last season from the Bruins. Wait a second, Nashville traded for Petr Forsberg this year. Nashville in 7.
Second Round:
Buffalo beats Ottawa in 6.
Jersey beats Rangers in 4.
Detroit beats Nashville in 7.
Anaheim beats Dallas in 5.
Third Round.
Jersey beats Buffalo in 7.
Detroit beats Anaheim in 6.
Stanley Cup.
Detroit beats Jersey in 6.
Can’t wait to see how off I am with these.
1 p.m.
• Don't you know that distributing hot cross buns is one of the worst things you can do to Muslim male?
Uh, um. Well, I guess it's not. One a penny, two a penny, hot cross buns.
11:30 a.m.
• Not allowing a Coretta Scott King portrait at the Georgia State Capitol. It's a lot like Hitler Imus.
10 a.m.
• Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:
#10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
#9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
#8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
#7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.
#6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
#5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
#4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
#3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.
#2 - When they crash their cars, they bail and run.
#1 - They can't wear their helmets sideways.
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 31: Meatwad
When it comes to smart-ass replies, you can’t beat my Meat. I don’t think this chap likes me very much, but fuck it; this isn’t kkk’s Top 103 Posters That Like Him. If that was the case, my list would have to be whittled down quite a bit. But this is kkk’s Top 103 Posters, and important subjects like this can't be taken lightly. Sure he hates the term “better half,” which would probably put me in his doghouse just as if he hated the words "hippie," "commie" and "I like it in my ass fast and hard." He also has a never-ending arsenal of quips regarding my frugality. But here’s what I like about Meat: When he makes fun of you, he usually does a good job, as shown here at the other place. Oh well, it may have done nothing for you, but it made me laugh. And in the end that’s all what really matters now, isn’t it?
And now a word or three from the expert panel I've assembled to comment on the people I've listed.
From Black Lushus:
From Carnival:
From Cancer Marney:
8:15 p.m.
• cBS, lol.
8 p.m.
• Over in Smues’ blog, he references a little brouhaha regarding Jackson Hewitt and their Jewing the government out of some cash. A few days back I was thinking of posting this story because I had an experience with these people a few years back but I didn’t feel like typing it out. Now I do.
Back in Ohio I didn’t feel like doing my taxes one year so I decided to go to one of these tax places and just get it over with; previously I had just used TurboTax when it went on sale for $2, which also included a bunch of rebates. But I didn’t care this year; I just wanted to plop down and be told by some temp accountant how much I overpaid the government. I thought it would be that easy, yes. No.
When I came in to the Jackson Hewitt store, I was assigned to this black guy who was gong to give me the hook up, or something like that. This guy was a dickhead to me the whole time, with condescending remarks concerning my desire not to donate $1 to the hippie public election fund thingy, along with a few other similar stupid issues. When it came time to do the actual transaction, he got a confused look on his face and told me that I couldn’t file because I needed to provide a copy of last year’s return. Wha-? Yeah. Exactly. He told me that I needed to provide him with all this other information, and with that I left, went straight to the nearest big-box retail store to get TurboTax. When I got home, this guy left a message on my answering machine saying that I didn’t need all that other information and that if I returned we could file my return. Well I did file my return the next day, but I did it in the comfort of my residence.
And while I’m on this subject, I HATE hearing people bitch about having to file their taxes this time of year. You get W-2s and all that other shit in January/February. You have more than TWO MONTHS to do this. Have there been years when I filed on April 15? Yes. Did I bitch about having to do this? No. Know what I did? I FILED EARLIER THE NEXT YEAR. Actually, I’m lying. It took me a couple of years to get my lazy ass in gear. Sometimes it takes me a while to let it sink in. Ain’t nothing wrong with that as long as you know you’re a fuck up.
11:30 a.m.
• I don't frequent the wrestling folders here, so it may already be a "hot topic" at TSM, but I heard this on Atlanta's WSB-AM this morning and had to laugh.
And, regarding the third-to-last paragraph, WSB has been noting that Gilberti used to wrestle in WCW as "Disco Inferno." I guess the only thing worse than being known as the "guy who used to be the Disco wrestler" is when the media don't consider what you used to do for a living, in a profession where publicity is critical, as newsworthy.
8:15 p.m.
• Time for another pic of the kids.
It's Max. There are pumpkins on the coffee table. Max is on the coffee table. That's all I got. Interestingly enough, JJ is terrified of pumpkins, and when we get them every October he flees in terror. *shrug*
8 p.m.
• I’ve always said that bitches will be the death of you.
Reading this story reminded me of an instance in high school where this one guy named James dated this Rachel chick for a while. I guess you could say they were the pre-goth crowd, although they weren’t nearly as “extreme” as the all-white/black hair and make-up freaks are today. I’d classify them more as “alternatives.” How far in-between the evolution scale are we talking about regarding Goths and alternatives? If we were going by the dinosaur scale, here’s how it would go.
If Goths are Triceratopses…
... then James and Rachel would have been Protoceratopses.
.
Get it? Got it? Good.
Anyway, for one reason or another Rachel dumped James. And what did James do? He went to the wall where he painted “Rachel + James” and removed the vertical line so that it read “Rachel – James.” Was pretty funny, actually.
6 p.m.
• Regardless of what you think of Don Imus’ “nappy headed hos” remark regarding the women’s Rutgers college basketball team, this is probably the funniest thing to come out the whole ordeal.
Poo-Face wants “lines drawn” in regards to media speech? The same race-baiting poverty pimp that got a $345,000 defamation suit against him for what he said regarding the Tawana Brawley hoax? The same race-baiting poverty pimp that did the following back in 1995?
You’re good, Poo-Face. Real good. No go have your wife feed you lots of eggs and butter so you can die early like many black men do, of heart disease. Well, that’s how I feel. Oh, dear. Did I say something RACIST? No, I’m just quoting Julianne Malveaux, a black female columnist, and what she said about Clarance Thomas back in the day.
6:30 p.m.
• I’m not a huge golf fan, but I don’t hate on the sport. In fact, whenever one of the “big” tournaments is on I watch some of it if I’m in the mood. I just had the Masters on and Tiger Woods hit his second shot on Hole 17 into a sand trap. CBS’ audio picked up him saying, “Honestly, what the hell just happened.” LOL. I love Tiger.
And that Zach guy who is probably going to win this year said to a reporter guy that Jesus was with him out there with him today. Right. It’s Easter Sunday and Jesus decided to hang out with you on the golf course.
4:30 p.m.
• The NHL is wrapping up, and that means its second season, the Stanley Cup playoffs, will be starting soon. The cool thing about the NHL playoffs is that it seems anything can happen, and many times it does. Unlike, in my opinion, the NBA playoffs, just about any seeded team can make a serious run. Take for example the Edmonton Oilers last year. After almost not getting into the postseason, the number-eight seed came within one game of winning the Stanley Cup. Below are the last seven seasons and the NHL’s Stanley Cup Finals matchups. The bracket numbers are the seedings of each team.
2005-2006: Hurricanes (2) d. Oilers (8) 4-3
2004-2005: ------------
2003-2004: Lightning (1) d. Flames (6) 4-3
2002-2003: Devils (2) d. Ducks (7) 4-3
2001-2002: Wings (1) d. Hurricanes (3) 4-1
2000-2001: Avalanche (1) d. Devils (1) 4-3
1999-2000: Devils (4) d. Dallas (2) 4-2
Below are the NBA Finals matchups during this same span.
2005-2006: Heat (2) d. Mavericks (4) 4-2
2004-2005: Spurs (2) d. Pistons (2) 4-3
2003-2004: Pistons (3) d. Lakers (2) 4-1
2002-2003: Spurs (1) d. Nets (2) 4-2
2001-2002: Lakers (3) d. Nets (1) 4-2
2000-2001: Lakers (2) d. 76ers (1) 4-1
1999-2000: Lakers (1) d. Pacers (1) 4-2
How many top seeds in each league made it to the finals of their respective sport: NBA 5, NHL 4.
Number two seeds: NBA 6, NHL 3.
Number three seeds: NBA 2, NHL 1.
Number four seeds: NBA 1, NHL 1.
Number five-eight seeds: NBA 0, NHL 3.
Eh, that doesn’t really validate my point. Let’s see what other numbers I can manipulate. I know, let’s see how many upsets were in each round of playoff competition during this time. Because the NHL didn’t play during the 2004-2005 season, I’m discounting that year’s NBA playoffs, too. (In that year there was a 3/6 seed upset, a 4/5 seed upset and two second- and third-round upsets.
First-round upsets:
8s defeating 1s: NBA 0, NHL 3
7s defeating 2s: NBA 0, NHL 7
6s defeating 3s: NBA 3, NHL 4
5s defeating 4s: NBA 4, NHL 2
Second- and Third-round upsets: NBA 14, NHL, 12
Total upsets in First, Second and Third rounds: NBA 21, NHL 28.
I still don’t know if this validates what I said above, but it’s interesting nevertheless -- especially since there have been more first-round 1/8 upsets than 4/5s in the NHL.
• I’ve told my Madeline story before at TSM, but this article brought back memories of my employment at the theater, which also happened to be a member of the National Amusements family.
One afternoon I was working the afternoon cashier shift. I think it was a holiday of some sort (Memorial Day if I had to guess), and this usually means the early afternoon shows would be overrun with children. However, I was working the cashier position, so my dealing with juveniles was kept to a minimum. I could tell though that there were a lot of kids, and many of them were to see this Madeline movie. If you don’t know who Madeline is, it’s a set of books about some girl who lives at a finishing school (the movie had her as an orphan) and gets into all these wacky adventures with the other children. I’ve never heard of this character, but I guess it was popular among certain sects of kids, so who am I to judge. Anyway, I noticed that there were quite a number of children dressed up as characters from the books...
...and I even saw some camera flashes going off. Everything seemed normal enough, but when I ventured out into the lobby for my 2 p.m. break I knew something was wrong because my co-workers had a “I can’t believe what just happened” look on all of their faces. I approached one and asked what happened. Turns out our manager had accidentally played the wrong reel of film in one of our theaters.
Let me elaborate a bit. Many times at my former place of employment we would show two movies in a theater during the course of a day. Generally, if we had a movie that was geared specifically toward kids (Air Bud, Mr. Magoo, etc.) they would be played for the 1 p.m., 3 p.m. and 5 p.m. shows, while the evening times would feature a more adult-oriented film. Well, the auditorium playing Madeline was one such example. Madeline was to be shown for the afternoon times with another movie for the 7 p.m., 9 p.m. and 11 p.m. times. Turns out our manager inserted a reel for the evening film rather than the Madeline reel. And just what did an auditorium full of children watch for the first 5-10 minutes?
Yep.
According to the one usher, a man came out of the Madeline theater and said “Is someone supposed to be peeing in Madeline?” (I haven’t seen the first part of Baseketball, so I’m not sure if this is indeed what happens in the opening of this movie. Nevertheless, that's what I was told.) And, if memory serves, that showing of Madeline was a near-to-complete sell-out. Nice.
8:30 p.m.
• Due to popular demand (Read: one person) asking for additional pics of the kids, here we go:
This one features JJ guarding the computer desk. Featured in this photo are a Godzilla cup holder from Taco Bell back in the 1990s when they tried to give Godzilla a make-over. Being how I am Godzilla > King Kong, I actually looked forward to the movie at the time until I actually watched it at the theater. Even though I didn't like what they did with my favorite lizard, I'm not going to badmouth it as much as some other people do. They tried something different. It flopped. I moved on. Also featured is some pre-paid cell phone that I haven't re-added minutes to in several years and has been disconnected. Why I got this as a birthday gift is beyond me. I don't get any calls on the land-line; why in the hell would I want to remember another phone number? Sorry, but I'm not paying $20 every three months for minutes just so I can call Mrs. kkk at the store to let her know her garlic-flavored pita shells are out of stock and to find out what other flavor she wants instead. Bitch, you'll get the plain flavor and like it.
Oh, and the sheets of paper above JJ on the shelf? Those are the score sheets I used for kkk Bowl IV. He's also plopped on a Madden '93 instruction manual for the Sega Genesis.
5:45 p.m.
• So I was watching Around the Horn today and the "Out of Bounds" segment featured a "serious" discussion on Imus' comments about the Rutgers women's basketball team. It was "serious" because no points were distributed. You know it's serious when that happens. So I waited with baited breath for Pardon the Interruption because I was sure there would be a segment talking about the same thing. I was right. Wilbon didn't disappoint with his "he's a bigot" talk (and I actually don't blame him on this one), but Kornhiser was a riot by defending him and saying that he used to appear on that radio show and how Imus brings in political figures like John McCain. Good thing Imus didn't say the sports media overhyped the Rutgers team because they wanted to see a team made up mostly of black players succeed, huh Tony?
2 p.m.
• Oh man, this story made for a fun ride home from work yesterday.
Better Half: “Did you hear that story of the signs that said ‘honk once for Jesus…’”
Me: “…and twice for Satan. Yeah. What about it? Guess how many times I would have honked?”
BH: “Twice.”
Me: “Yes, because I love Jesus twice as much as you do.”
BH: *Starts bitching about something that I can’t remember.*
Me: “What’s wrong with saying that you love Satan? Jesus said to love everyone.”
BH: “But Satan’s evil.”
Me: “So? Jesus said everyone. I think I just found a loophole in this whole Christianity thing.”
BH: “I hate you.”
Me. “But yet you married me. See, Jesus was right when he said you should love everyone.”
I’m just glad she didn’t counter with something like “'love' isn’t the same as 'marriage'” because then I would have had to concede the round.
1:45 p.m.
• I didn't bother reading the article, I just laughed at the headline.
Of course the Poor will suffer most. They're poor. We needed a report to make us aware of this? You know, with the amount of money spent to create this report, that loot could have went to the Poor. So I guess that the Poor have suffered the most from reading this Climate Report. Then again, they didn't actually read it because the Poor can't afford computers and Internet service.
12:15 p.m.
• Ah, nuts. I heard this story a while after it happened, so I'm sure the Billy Fudge-Packer jokes have already been spent.
If you PC homos want to get offended at someone, get offended at the dictionary. This reminds me of the great niggardly escapade that happened a while ago.
Why don't you bitches picket outside of Big Dictionary offices and demand to have these mean words stricken from the English language? Wait a second, I didn't know about this part. Continuing the Wikipedia entry from above.
So in this game of "Who is Offended More?" we have Gays vs. Blacks: the unstoppable force vs. the immovable object, the Beast of the East vs. the Best of the West. So I guess it's safe to say that Howard didn't fag out over the niggardly fiasco. Well, he may have fagged out later that night, but that's neither here nor there. And after all he went through I at least hope he got to be that evening's starting pitcher, unless he thinks it's better to receive than give.
9 p.m.
• Now this is real fucked up...
...Imus is still alive?
8:30 p.m.
• I don't care what anyone says, this guy can coach my team anytime.
I wouldn't be looking for any work in the media or banking industries either, Mike.
2 p.m.
• Rush just said, "I believe half of what I see, none of what I hear." If you can't figure it out by now, then don't bother.
9:30 p.m.
• From this Web site's About Us section. The "Despises" section is great.
I'm so getting this shirt.
8 a.m.
• Do I really need to say anything else?
:lol:
:lol:
7:30 a.m.
• So there's a new SOMETHING-WING RADIO channel in Shittsburgh, and all I can say is alrighty then.
93.7 the Zone: Shittsburgh's MAN STATION.
Opie and Anthony 6-9 a.m.
John Steigerwald 9-10 a.m. (local guy who used to/may still write about sports)
Dennis Miller 10 a.m.-1 p.m.
John McIntire 1-4 p.m. (local liberal weenie)
Scott Paulsen 4-7 p.m. (local FM DJ)
Dave Dameshek 7-10 p.m. (No clue)
Loveline 10 p.m.-1 a.m.
John & Jeff 1-6 a.m.
Oh, yeah. This will be around long.
8 p.m.
Happy birthday to me…
So, as usual, at 1 p.m., two hours before my workday ends, I get a call from a co-worker informing me that I have 500+ quarterly annuity statements/envelopes to stuff. Jesus fucking Christ, all I ask is that I get some heads up on this shit. You know, assholes, I actually have a job to do and I *gasp* plan out my schedule of when I do stuff, unlike you dumbfucks. At my job’s last quarterly board of directors meeting, which I couldn’t attend due to granny’s funeral, a shit storm was raised when I included I my report all the fucking envelopes I was told to stuff, among other stupid tasks that I should not be doing. I wish I could have been there when several directors asked my idiot bosses why someone in my position was stuffing envelopes when I'm being paid to do other projects. Of course, when I came back to work I had a meeting to discuss this matter.
“In your report you said that you were ‘told’ to stuff envelopes.”
“Was ‘stuffing envelopes’ part of my job duties when I was hired?”
“No.”
“Then how would I otherwise go about stuffing envelopes at this place unless someone told me to do so?”
*crickets chirp*
Thank God I'm two floors away from these people.
Happy birthday to me…
So I picked up the better half from her job and went about our merry way home. Then there was the accident. From what I could make out, some van crashed into a car in this sorta-residential area. Three ambulances, four cop cars and a fire truck sealed off the usual way home, so we had to improvise with an alternate route. Problem is we had no idea where the hell we were going. When I get into these situations, I just drive around until I see something familiar. Man, I thought I was in hippie hell before. The part of Shittsburgh we drive through on the way home has “Books Not Bombs” and “John Kerry” bumper stickers on the back of cars. But now we were going even deeper into the belly of the beast, where bikeways ride alongside streets where liberal soccer moms drive their SUVs with bumper stickers that read, “My other car is a PAT bus.” Of course, we ended up in some construction area where two lanes of road become one, and 1+ mile of blocked off roads precede a 20-foot area where construction workers are standing around trying to look busy. Finally, some signs pointing us in the right direction were found and in what usually is an hour’s drive turned into two. All because some dickhead was not paying attention to where he or she was driving.
Happy birthday, kkk…
During this drive o’ fun, the better half was acting like a bitch. Now this is usual because whenever she gets lost driving she tenses up. Why she does this, I stopped trying to figure out. Then again, if you have to spend any additional time with me in a confined space, you might be a little anxious as well. After asking what her problem was for the umpteenth time, she finally said…
Happy birthday to me.
“Remember that prescription cough medicine I took? The asshole pharmacist didn’t bother to tell me it would mess with my birth control pills.”
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 32: Hogan Made Wrestling
Even though he isn’t up-to-date on all the great white running backs of the NFL, it seems we both share an affection for Baldur’s Gate. (The PC game with Minsc and Boo, not the console version. Both games are solid in their own ways, but I lean toward Shadows of Amn.) He also shares an affinity with me for hating poor white trash. However, he doesn’t seem to care much for blogs, which makes me wonder what the hell he’s doing on this list in the first place. And talk about the power of premonition: from a post of mine in that “blog” thread I mentioned above.
6:30 p.m.
• OK. So I see this article on the wires.
No biggie. I wouldn't have even given this a second thought. After all, people are a crazy lot. However, below that article was this one.
Here was my favorite part.
And speaking of Valium, my out-of-control niece in law showed up for orientation at her hostess job that will probably last less than two weeks. She was with a few other people, and one of them is also a recovering drug addict who asked her, "So you're on methadone, too?" Well, that's one place I'll never eat at again. Pity, and the one time I went there before it was a good enough restaurant.
12 p.m.
• So the Frenchies have fast trains.
Great, now they can retreat faster than ever before.
• The Pirates beat the Astros 4-2 yesterday on Opening Day. But the Bucs were perfect at Minute Maid Park last year -- they didn't win a single game. Gee, maybe this really is year they turn everything around.
8:30 p.m.
• You cocksuckers asked for my address, phone number, social security number, mother's maiden name, shoe size and blood sample the last time I stopped in to get some batteries and this is what you do with all that information?
• You know, if I won $150k from the lottery or inheritance (now that's a funny one; I'd need 150,000 relatives to die and leave me everything), the sensible part of me would use this money to pay off the house and Mrs. kkk's school loan. But that was before I read this.
When I was a kid I had my picture taken with KITT at a car show. (Or at least that's what I was told when my mom paid the $5 for the photo. It was a black car with that red flashy thing. Good enough for me.) Somewhat funny story. When I was in grade school in the early/mid-80s, our class (of less than 10; private school, baby) had some assignment where we had to write where we wanted to live if we had the chance. The catch: it had to be a real place. I can’t remember what I wrote, but my best friend at the time wrote that he wanted to live in “Knight Riderland.” When the teacher asked him where this was he said, “Way far away.” How the hell to I remember this? Oh, and my mom wouldn’t let me watch the A-Team because it was “too violent.” Bitch.
11:15 a.m.
• Don't you know that teaching the Holocaust in British schools is one of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male, err, child?
10 a.m.
• So I’m listening to Boortz on his flagship 750-WSB Atlanta this morning via the Internet, and the station just had their sports guy talk about the upcoming Florida/OSU game. Who is this guy? Tony Schiavone. It was weird hearing him describe an event and not use the words, “THIS WILL BE THE BIGGEST NIGHT IN THE HISTORY OF OUR SPORT~!!!.”
8 p.m.
• Well, today was my big b-day celebration. Even though I don’t turn the big 3-1 until later in the week, the better half insisted that we do all this birthday shit today because next Sunday would be Easter. So I got my gifts: South Park Season 9 DVD and Ron White’s “You Can’t Fix Stupid” DVD. Not sure why I got the White DVD, but she said that I told her one time he was my favorite out of the four Blue Collar comedians. Uh, OK then. After that it was onto Red Lobster for my yearly ultimate feast. The reason we only go to this place once a year on my birthday is because 1) Mrs. kkk hates seafood, and 2) Mrs. kkk can’t watch me eat shellfish. Frankly, I don’t blame her; it’s not a pretty sight. Exciting stuff, I know.
• With the MLB season starting up, many people are giving their predictions. I might as well bust out mine, too. There was a TSM thread started up a while back where people got to pick the over/under on how many games each team will win this season, so I guess that makes sense to do. As an added twist, I challenged that fraud pseudo-baseball expert that uses my oh-so-clever name when commenting on America’s National Pastime. I’m going to post my picks, followed by his, and when the regular season wraps up we’ll see who has the last laugh … bitch.
Please note I haven’t bothered to follow any baseball news this off-season (I barely follow it during the regular season), and the only transactions I know are this: The Red Sox got some Jap, and the Angles paid a lot of money for some guy who was just busted for roids. All the picks that we will differ on will be boldfaced in my selections.
Al kkk-eiper’s picks:
Arizona Diamondbacks 77.5 UNDER
Atlanta Braves 81.5 OVER
Baltimore Orioles 73.5 UNDER
Boston Red Sox 90.5 OVER
Chicago Cubs 85.5 UNDER Now that Racist Dusty is gone, I’m rooting for the Cubs to win the World Series. Well, first they have to be mediocre.
Chicago White Sox 86.5 OVER
Cincinnati Reds 76.5 UNDER
Cleveland Indians 84.5 UNDER
Colorado Rockies 74.5 OVER
Detroit Tigers 87.5 UNDER
Florida Marlins 78.5 UNDER
Houston Astros 78.5 OVER
Kansas City Royals 67.5 UNDER
Los Angeles Angels 89.5 UNDER
Los Angeles Dodgers 88.5 OVER
Milwaukee Brewers 81.5 UNDER
Minnesota Twins 83.5 UNDER
New York Mets 88.0 OVER
New York Yankees 97.0 UNDER
Oakland Athletics 84.5 OVER
Philadelphia Phillies 88.5 UNDER
Pittsburgh Pirates 71.5 UNDER But they played .500 ball the second half of the season!!! But they’re hosting the ALL-STAR GAME~!!! Wait, that was last year.
San Diego Padres 84.0 OVER
San Francisco Giants 81.5 OVER
Seattle Mariners 75.5 UNDER
St Louis Cardinals 84.5 OVER
Tampa Bay Devil Rays 67.0 UNDER
Texas Rangers 81.5 UNDER
Toronto Blue Jays 86.5 UNDER
Washington Nationals 66.5 OVER
Al I’m-a-fraud-Keiper’s picks:
Arizona Diamondbacks 77.5 OVER
Atlanta Braves 81.5 OVER
Baltimore Orioles 73.5 OVER
Boston Red Sox 90.5 OVER
Chicago Cubs 85.5 UNDER
Chicago White Sox 86.5 UNDER
Cincinnati Reds 76.5 OVER
Cleveland Indians 84.5 OVER
Colorado Rockies 74.5 OVER
Detroit Tigers 87.5 UNDER
Florida Marlins 78.5 UNDER
Houston Astros 78.5 UNDER
Kansas City Royals 67.5 OVER
Los Angeles Angels 89.5 OVER
Los Angeles Dodgers 88.5 UNDER
Milwaukee Brewers 81.5 OVER
Minnesota Twins 83.5 OVER
New York Mets 88.0 OVER
New York Yankees 97.0 UNDER
Oakland Athletics 84.5 OVER
Philadelphia Phillies 88.5 UNDER
Pittsburgh Pirates 71.5 OVER
San Diego Padres 84.0 UNDER
San Francisco Giants 81.5 UNDER
Seattle Mariners 75.5 UNDER
St Louis Cardinals 84.5 OVER
Tampa Bay Devil Rays 67.0 OVER
Texas Rangers 81.5 OVER
Toronto Blue Jays 86.5 UNDER
Washington Nationals 66.5 UNDER
Now we’ll see who the real baseball expert is and who is talking out of his ass. You know, I think I'll take all my over/unders and see how they look when I divide the teams by division
NL East
New York Mets 88.0 OVER
Atlanta Braves 81.5 OVER
Philadelphia Phillies 88.5 UNDER
Florida Marlins 78.5 UNDER
Washington Nationals 66.5 OVER
NL Central
St Louis Cardinals 84.5 OVER
Houston Astros 78.5 OVER
Chicago Cubs 85.5 UNDER
Milwaukee Brewers 81.5 UNDER
Cincinnati Reds 76.5 UNDER
Pittsburgh Pirates 71.5 UNDER
NL West
Los Angeles Dodgers 88.5 OVER
San Diego Padres 84.0 OVER
San Francisco Giants 81.5 OVER
Colorado Rockies 74.5 OVER
Arizona Diamondbacks 77.5 UNDER
AL East
Boston Red Sox 90.5 OVER
New York Yankees 97.0 UNDER
Toronto Blue Jays 86.5 UNDER
Baltimore Orioles 73.5 UNDER
Tampa Bay Devil Rays 67.0 UNDER
AL Central
Chicago White Sox 86.5 OVER
Detroit Tigers 87.5 UNDER
Cleveland Indians 84.5 UNDER
Minnesota Twins 83.5 UNDER
Kansas City Royals 67.5 UNDER
AL West
Los Angeles Angels 89.5 UNDER
Oakland Athletics 84.5 OVER
Texas Rangers 81.5 UNDER
Seattle Mariners 75.5 UNDER
…
Remember when I said this:
Yeah, we probably will.
11 p.m.
• I have my fair share of rap CDs in my collection, which numbers between 400-500. Most of these albums are from the 1990s, and I’ve pretty much pigeonholed myself into this era. I don’t care much for contemporary hip-hop, but I’m not going to hate on it either. It’s just I grew up with certain albums and certain styles. I listen to what’s out nowadays and I can’t get into many of these flows. But if this is what today’s youth listen to and what they like, then more power to them. I’m sure those who grew up listening to the Treacherous Three couldn’t understand why I was infatuated with some guy named Ice Cube. For me, I’ll stick with what I listened to during my high school and college days. Now I have a number of albums that I consider to be solid rap efforts, whether it’s A Tribe Called Quest, EPMD, 2Pac, Redman, or Wu-Tang and the group’s initial offering of solo projects from artists such as Raekwon and Ol’ Dirty Bastard. However, there are a number of CDs that when I see in my collection I shake my head. I’ve mentioned “Shaq Fu: the Return” before and I’ll do so again, and there are some albums that you know are going to be awful but get anyway. You can’t help doing so. If anything, you get these albums just to keep for posterity. Such was the case with this one album. I knew it was out, and I had no intention of paying full retail price for this. Hell, I wasn’t going to spend the money needed to pick it up at the used CD store. Instead, I let this one person I knew buy it and bought it off of him for $4 after he realized how awful it was. And what was this album?
After the abortion that was “It’s On," which was supposed to be a counterpunch to Dr. Dre’s “Chronic” album, anyone with half-a-brain knew this follow-up effort would be bad; nobody will mistake “Str8 Off” with NWA’s “Straight Outta Compton.” I think what made me want to own this album though was that Eazy-E was in the midst of this project when he found out he had the AIDS. This album was released after his death and for me it seemed to be my way of pouring a 40 oz. to the curb in memory of the E.
Oh no, what happened to my lover?
Bitch I bashed his head in with my Louisville Slugger.
4:30 p.m.
• Christ, I can hear the liberals already whining about how we live in a fascist regime.
Yesterday afternoon on the drive home from work the better half told me of this story and asked my opinion of the whole thing. She’s Catholic and thought it was a stupid idea to create a milk chocolate Jesus. Although I think a lesser stink would have been made had our lord and savior been sporting a loin cloth, I was more interested in knowing if any public money was spent making this piece of shit. But that’s neither here nor there. Actually, I really don’t care that there’s a sculpture of the guy who died for my sins and stuff made out of chocolate. (Jesus was a black dude – little wonder why he never had a job. Interchangeable hippie/black jokes; gotta love ‘em.)
Here's the "art" in question.
Oh, yeah. NSFW and all that.
All in all, this is nothing more than typical “edgy” New Yorker shit. “Let’s be cutting edge and do something about Christianity that is sure to piss off a bunch of people. How about putting Jesus in a jar of urine? Can’t: Already been done. Well let’s make a picture of the Virgin Mary out of elephant poop. Drat: Beaten to the punch. I guess we’ll have to make a chocolate naked Jesus.” I could make a “milk chocolate melts in your mouth and not in your hand,” joke right about now, but … well what do you know, I just did.
Interestingly enough, I had another thought upon first hearing of this evangelical-led attack on our rights to display stupid artwork, which was brought up later by someone quoted in the article I linked.
Say, this just inspired Mikkkhaelango to produce his latest masterpiece.
I'll expect my National Endowment for the Arts check to be mailed sometime next week.
11 p.m.
• This always baffled me.
If you're splitting up, how can you still have an "amicable" relationship? How does one go about arranging such a thing?
"Hi baby, you know I like you and all, right?"
"Yeah, snook-ums."
"Want me to leave and split our assets 50/50?"
"Sure. Don't forget to take out the trash as you leave."
• Now this is funny.
Three paragraphs later...
Oh, yeah, they also talked about Mumia. *shrug*
10:45 p.m.
• Oh boy, MORE BASEBALL DIVERSITY SHIT.
*gag*
OK, you guys win. Get a few Tyrones and Leroys out onto the field in those fancy jerseys and quit talking about this shit already. I like how this annual "Civil Rights Game" is being played by a team with arguably one of the most offensive mascots in any sport. And by "offensive" I mean "offensive if you're a bitch-ass faggot and actually recoil in fear at the sight of this:"
Oh dear, I wonder if the White Sox will ever get a chance to play in this Civil Rights Classic? While I'm on this subject, why is that one 1919 World Series called the BLACK SOX scandal? OMG RACISM! No wonder there aren't any black people playing baseball!!
8 p.m.
• Well, the Final Four is just around the corner, so let’s see how I did this year with my brackkketology. Bolded teams are the ones I picked for that particular game. Teams with a line through were teams I had that got eliminated in an earlier round. Just for shits and giggles, I’m giving myself one point per correct pick for the first round. For the second round I’ll give myself two points per correct pick, and so on.
FIRST ROUND
Florida (1), Jackson State (16): Correct
Arizona (8), Purdue (9): Correct
Butler (5), Old Dominion (12): Correct
Maryland (4), Davidson (13): Correct
Notre Dame (5), Winthrop (11): Correct
Oregon (3), Miami of Ohio (14): Correct
UNLV (7), Georgia Tech (10): Incorrect
Wisconsin (2), Tex A&M CC (15): Correct
Kansas (1), Whoever (16): Correct
Kentucky (8), Villanova (9): Incorrect
Virginia Tech (5), Illinois (12): Incorrect
Southern Illinois (4), Holy Cross (13): Correct
Duke (6), VCU (11): Incorrect
Pittsburgh (3), Wright State (14): Correct
Indiana (7), Gonzaga (10): Correct
UCLA (2), Weber State (15): Correct
North Carolina (1), Eastern Kentucky (16): Correct
Marquette (8), Michigan State (9): Incorrect
Southern Cal (5), Arkansas (12): Correct
Texas (4), New Mexico State (13): Correct
Vanderbilt (6), George Washington (11): Incorrect
Washington State (3), Oral Roberts (14): Correct
Boston College (7), Texas Tech (10): Correct
Georgetown (2), Belmont (15): Correct
Ohio State (1), Central Conn. State (16): Correct
BYU (8), Xavier (9): Correct
Tennessee (5), Long Beach (12): Correct
Virginia (4), Albany (13): Correct
Louisville (6), Stanford (11): Correct
Texas A&M (3), Penn (14): Correct
Nevada (7), Creighton (10): Incorrect
Memphis (2), North Texas (15): Correct
Total score: 25 correct, 7 incorrect. 25 points.
SECOND ROUND
Florida (1), Purdue (9): Correct
Maryland (4), Butler (5): Incorrect
Oregon (3), Winthrop (11): Correct
Wisconsin (2), Georgia Tech (10): Incorrect
Kansas (1), Villanova (9): Correct
Southern Illinois (4), Illinois (12): Correct
Pitt (3), Duke (6): Incorrect
UCLA (2), Indiana (7): Correct
UNC (1), Marquette (8): Correct
Texas (4), Southern Cal (5): Incorrect. Boy was this incorrect.
Washington State (3), George Washington (11): Incorrect.
Georgetown (2), Boston College: Correct
Ohio State (1), Xavier (9): Correct
Virginia (4), Tennessee (5): Correct
Texas A&M (3), Louisville (6): Incorrect
Memphis (2), Creighton (10): Correct
Total score:
10 correct, 6 incorrect. 20 points. 25 cumulative points.
THIRD ROUND
Florida (1), Maryland (4): Correct
Wisconsin (2), Oregon (3): Correct
Kansas (1), Southern Illinois (4): Correct
UCLA (2), Duke (6): Correct
North Carolina (1), Texas (4): Incorrect.
Georgetown (2), George Washington (11): Correct
Ohio State (1), Tennessee (5): Correct
Memphis (2), Louisville (6): Incorrect
6 correct, 2 incorrect. 18 points. 43 cumulative points.
FOURTH ROUND
Florida (1), Oregon (3): Correct
Kansas (1), UCLA (2): Correct
Georgetown (2), Texas (4): Incorrect
Ohio State (1), Louisville (6): Correct
3 correct, 1 incorrect. 12 points. 55 cumulative points.
FINAL FOUR
Florida (1), UCLA (2)
Ohio State (1), Texas (4)
TERRIFIC TWO
Ohio State (1), Florida
So far I have 55 points out of 104. At least when it came to guessing which teams would get this far I got three brackets out of four, and that ain’t bad.
7:15 p.m.
• For the last few weeks, I’ve been on a “Cops” kick. I guess because the white-trash tales regarding the crackwhore sister-in-law and her out-of-control daughter have recently come to a halt, I need to go elsewhere for my fix. I remember years ago this comedian had a bit about someone he knew that watched this show and tried to guess the race of the perp before he or she showed up on television. Sadly, that’s what I’m doing now, and I’m pretty good at it. In fact, I now have to add another twist to this game: if the perp is white, will he (or she!) be wearing a shirt? And if the perp is black, I try to understand at least half of what the crack head/car thief/druggie says during his 15 minutes of fame on television. And just why am I watching this show? About 45 minutes ago I got done viewing an episode where two girls in a trailer park got into a fight. According to the witnesses, one parent watched the scuffle. But when the other kid’s parent came out to see what was going on, Parent 1 (allegedly) threw a beer at Parent 2. As the po-pos were trying to figure out what was going on, they spoke with Parent 2, who admitted to letting her kid punch the other kid, saying, “This is a trailer park. It’s what they do.”
Oh, but it got better. The next segment had two cops pull up to a house where a 7-year-old locked his mom out of their residence. To make matters better, this brat was making faces by the window when the officers were telling him to let his mom back in the house. The cops eventually broke the front door and the kid hid under a bed. Once he was dragged out to the living, he began screaming and crying. He was also in nothing but his underwear.
• For as much as I hate mowing the lawn, there is one thing I despise more. Raking leaves. There is a tree in my backyard that dumps its load every November/December and I have to rake this shit up. Last year I was waiting for this annual ritual to begin, and of course the day in which all the leaves end up on the ground the better half and I were in the midst of a flu bout. Once I got over this sickness, I slept on my back in an odd way and woke up one morning with so much pain I couldn’t bend over. After a week or two when this condition went away it began to constantly rain or snow. I figured I’ll just rake this shit up come spring. It couldn’t be that bad, right? Wrong. Over the last last two days I’ve done four full leaf bags of these dried-up pieces of shit and I got a few good bags left scattered on my property. God only knows what the neighbors think because I’m sure some of my mess went onto their yard. Then again, they really don’t do much in the realm of lawn preservation, so I’m sure any “outrage” directed at me would be just for show. However, it’s the principle of it all, and I do feel like a schmuck about this mishap. Let’s just say lesson learned. I could have cancer with tubes sticking out of every body part and I’ll still rake these leaves once they fall from that damn tree.
• The MLB season hasn't even started yet and I have to listen to this shit already.
OK, time to play “Who is more diverse?” Is it the league with
60 percent of one race
29 percent of another race
8.5 percent of another race, and
2.5 percent of another;
Or is it the league with
77 percent of one race
21 percent of another race, and
2 percent of other races;
Or is it the league with
69 percent of one race, and
31 percent of another race, plus probably a percentage or two of other races.
If you guessed the first sport, you would be selecting Major League Baseball. Sport number two is the NBA, and sport number three is the NFL. So while the PC bitches at ESPN and other national sports media figureheads gnaw on their fingernails trying to figure out how to bring more black people into America’s National Pastime, I’m doing my best to get more of “my people” those valued starting NFL cornerback slots. But I’ll throw MLB a bone on this one. You want more blacks in your game? Promote the fact being able to steal in your contests is a good thing.
6:45 p.m.
• Oh you got to be kidding me. ESPN has Racist Dusty as a commentator? I just saw him on SportsCenter talking about the NL East. Oddly enough, Racist Dusty didn’t mention which teams will start out the season fast but finish slow in those chilly September nights due to a plethora of black players on their roster.
• I can't wait to hear Circuit City bitch a year from now about how they can't find any good workers.
If you’ve read my blog or posts for any length of time, chances are you know my opinion toward unions, "worker's rights" and all that other hippie shit, but whenever I read stuff like this, I get irked. Then again, in a free market, you always have to be on the go and ready to change jobs; staying at a place for 30 years is a thing of the past. Kind of a shame, really, but it’s a fact of life. Great, now I’m sounding like a commie. I need to change the subject … stat.
• Much better.
9 a.m.
• I'm a cat person, but I got to admit that there's no way any of my three would be able to pull this off.
7 a.m.
• So I just heard on the news that Fast Eddie's attempt to jack up the state cigarette tax an extra dime is approved by voters in a poll by a count of 54 to 46 percent. Now I don’t smoke and I don’t care about those that do. However, I do have a soft spot for smokers if only because I treat them like disposable front-line infantrymen (and women) in the war on the State taxing its constituents. If smoking ever gets banned, or taxed to the point where not enough people won't purchase the product, then Big Brother will go and tax up the wazoo something else – perhaps something I like. Well anyway, I heard in this news blurb that the dime increase will make PA’s tax on a pack of smokes $1.45. And we bitch about BIG OIL for price gouging? Yikes.
• I’ve been rooting for the Penguins and their mid-season surge to the NHL playoffs, if only because I hope it reminds people that Fast Eddie and Shittsburgh did jack shit to keep them here (yet our local leaders bent over backwards for the Pirates when they were in "danger" of leaving town). Last night they clinched a postseason spot. Uh, yay and stuff. I normally don’t watch the Penguins on television for a full game. If I’m putting away groceries or channel surfing and a game is being televised, I’ll keep it on depending on my mood. Well last night I had the start of the game on against the Washington Capitals while I got back from the grocery store. Every time I have a Penguins game on at the start of the contest they stink up the arena, and last night was no exception as Washington got off to a 2-0 lead. I changed channels for a few hours and came back to the game. What was the score when I returned to the game? 4-2 Pens.
3 p.m.
• That Karl Rove is a genius. What’s the best way to get your administration’s accusations of firing judges, or whatever that stupid “scandal” is about? Give your press spokesman cancer.
I didn't care too much for Tony when he sub-hosted for Rush all those years ago, but I didn't want him to get cancer for it.
8:15 a.m.
• OK, so I get oodles of male (and female) enhancement ads through my personal and work e-mail, along with letters from exiled African princes who offer me millions of dollars worth of inheritance loot for just a $5,000 loan. Anyway, I got this in my e-mail this morning, and, well …
