8:45 p.m.
• Way to pick your battles there, son.
I don't blame Vick's sponsors one bit. Every minute they stay with Vick they are losing money by appearing to be supporting the Falcons quarterback. And Google makes this sort of thing way too easy.
• So here's number one in the celebs-die-in-threes game.
During the '95 GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN he said some things on his cBS show that pissed me off, so ever since then I said "fuck him." Same goes for that left-wing twat Peter Gammons.
Here's number two.
Peace out, dawg. Being from Shittsburgh, people from this area HATED the 49ers during the late 1980s because we knew they were going to catch up to our beloved Stiilers in Super Bowl wins. And you people thought my reasons for hating Gammons above were dumb.
So who will be number three?
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo~!
3 p.m.
• So I decided to try making microwave popcorn in the office today. Yeah, I think you all know what’s coming next.
Microwave popcorn is like an art. Ever the Jew, I try to get the most bang for the buck with the unpopped kernels. However, there is a fine line between popping perfection and burning shit up. That’s why it’s important to know your microwave. This was the first time I used my office microwave for such a task, and this time the machine won. As the popping slowed down, I thought I could Jew a few more pieces out of this single-serving bag. As I hit stop I had a sense of dread, and when I opened up the bag my worst fears became reality. Too long. Fuck.
Now most of the popcorn was just fine. However, it takes just a few to stink up an office. Screw the office, it takes just a few to stink up an entire floor. Well, it wasn’t that bad, but none of you were here, so if I said the sprinkler system was unleashed how you know? Well, you probably would because this computer wouldn’t be working. Anyway, I went next door to inform my co-worker that the mighty “popcorn experiment” had failed and won’t be tried out again. Such a shame, really, but oh well. At least I haven’t burnt my soup … yet.
Speaking of burning, back in ’98 I worked at a kitchen-stuff store for a few weeks while it was going out of business. One afternoon I put something in the break-room microwave. I can’t remember what it was, but I do know that I severely underestimated the power of this heating beast and burnt the food all to shit. Sonofabitch. To make matters worse, I stunk up the break room. My bad. I didn’t step away from my mess, but at the same time there were way too many co-workers that took this to heart. I even got told that I “RUINED” a person’s entire day. Jesus Christ. I admitted I fucked up, and if someone would have said, “good going dumbshit,” I would have stretched out my arms and told them to keep the insults coming. But “ruining” someone’s day because of it? I think that says more about the other person than it does me.
• A note to TSM’s esteemed Mr. Keiper. Put this in your pro-invasion pipe and smoke it. Go Cobb County. Bossman would be proud.
8 p.m.
• So the baseball HOF ceremonies were this weekend, and one of my all-time favorite players, Tony Gwynn, got inducted. As a kid, there were a handful of baseball “heroes” I had during the 1980s. They were Gwynn, George Brett, Carlton Fisk and Fernando Valenzuela. That's all I got. Tony's the man.
• Oh I can’t wait to see how this shit gets enforced.
This part made me laugh.
• And speaking of enforcing laws, this shit blew my mind earlier this week.
So local governments aren’t allowed to take measures to stop the invasion and have to rely on the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT? God help us all. Also, I have no clue what political party Hazleton's mayor is, but if he would run for governor I'd vote for him.
• It’s bad enough parents don’t have time for their kids, but now they don’t have time for dogs?
Actually, this isn’t such a bad idea. I’d rather have someone rent-a-pooch for a few hours each week than have them buy a dog only to take it to the pound a few months later when the owner discovers that canines like to do things like walk and poop outside. And, unlike children, I'm sure the dogs don't care where they end up each day as long as they associate "home" with the business' kennel.
• I’m sure you can make a variety of cock jokes with this one.
If only they had choked their chickens, those guys wouldn't be dressed like one.
6 p.m.
• So I was playing around on IMDB and found this post in a thread titled "Things you learnt from watching this movie?" for the "Wolf Creek" message board. Well, it made me laugh. Oh, yeah. Spoilers and stuff.
10 a.m.
• Finally got around to seeing Peter Jackson’s “King Kong.” That’s why you get for messing around with them white girls.
• Here is the conclusion to my 3 p.m. entry yesterday about that poem I wrote which got me in a heap of trouble in 11th grade. The class had to write a “senses” poem in a “question and answer” format. Basically, you had to write a line in the form of a question that dealt with one of the five senses – taste, touch, smell, sight and hearing. After each line you had to have a “yes” or “no” answer. After 10 lines of this shit you had to do a line in the form of a question and then the other in the form of an answer. Sounds stupid? You bet. I also found it funny that in a class called “creative writing” you had these draconian rules to follow whenever you wrote something, but I digress. Anyway, my hippie poem was about a couple walking on the beach, and I had stupid lines like,
“Will you look deep into my eyes while the moon reflects off the crashing waves?”
“Yes.”
…or some hippie shit like that. When I got to my last “sense” it dealt with the chick asking the guy if he’d hold her hand or something similar. Here’s how my last four lines went that got me in trouble. Remember, after this question and answer, I need to follow that up with another Q&A line.
“Will you hold my hand *blahblahblahhippieshit*.”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I have no arms.”
There you have it. When my classmate, who was as big a slacker as I was, asked to read my poem (I wasn’t allowed to read this in class), the teacher stormed over to him, grabbed the sheet of paper, crumpled it up and threw it in the trash. Where’s the ACLU when you really need them?
I also had this woman for a public speaking class the year before, and that was some fun right there. There was one project where I was in a group of five and the assignment was this 20-minute panel debate over a topic of our choice. You needed two people on one side of the argument, two people on the other side and a moderator. Our group, which was made up of slackers just like me, picked “censorship.” My role was to be moderator. We had several class periods to work on this project, and all we did was sit there and bullshit. After a few days, we realized that we had nothing done so we worked on an “intro.” By “intro” I’m not talking about opening remarks. No. We were going to pretend this was a late-night talk show and we were thinking up ways to introduce the program. We were the last group to do our presentation, and the four-five groups before were made up of actual students who cared about their academic achievement. After the first day when the first two groups did their presentations, we suddenly realized we were in a world of shit. The day before our presentation, I frantically tried to make an outline of who was going to say what about our topic, which was about Free Speech Rights. On the morning of the big debate, we got ready for our intro, which we spent all of our class time preparing. And just what did we do?
*Person 1 turns off the lights to the room*
“Person 2 plays tape recorder with a voice saying, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, it’s Late Night with KKK.’ Suddenly the Looney Tunes theme comes on.”
*Persons 3 and 4 are across the room from each other and swirling flashlights around while theme plays.*
*Person 4 (me) moves up to the front. When the theme stops playing, Person 1 turns the lights back on and Person 2 plays the tape of crickets chirping.*
Judging from the look on our teacher’s face, this didn’t go over as well as we had hoped.
As bad as this was, our actual presentation was even worse. Instead of following the script of Person 1 on the pro-free speech side giving their spiel with Person 1 on the anti-free speech side retorting, it just a free-for-all. And with me as the moderator, I had no clue what the hell everybody was going to say next. Ironically, I had put the most work into this thing (which isn’t saying much mind you) and I got the worst grade out of the five of us. But that was nothing when compared to the next project. The same five of us had to do a “interrogation-type” project where each of us had to be a “prosecutor” and a “defendant” regarding another topic. This project’s topic was obscenity laws. The only thing I remember about this was one person grilling the other and the following ensued.
“Person A, you claim some cartoons today are ‘obscene.’”
“Yes.”
“What about the cartoons of generations before? Were they as bad?”
“No.”
“How about Walt Disney? Were they ‘obscene.’”
“No.”
“How about Donald Duck?”
“No.”
“Even though he has no pants?”
Yes, that was the HIGHLIGHT. After we were done, our teacher blasted us for at least 5 minutes about how we didn’t follow any of the rules of the assignment among other things. I don’t remember much of what she said because I was too busy trying to hold in my laughter. But this incidents weren’t as memorable as the public speaking class I told while I was in college. Developing...
5:45 p.m.
• Ohs Nos.
Here's my question. Why would Home Depot take any MoveOn protest seriously? That would be like Ruth's Chris Steakhouse buckling under PETA pressure because its members threaten not to go there for dinner because Sean Hannity pimps the eatery on his radio show. Yeah, Home Depot, cave in to the group that wants to live in grass huts.
• An update on dead neighbors. That guy who I thought was dead a while back is still kicking. I recently saw his television on at 6 a.m. while getting into the car for my morning work commute. However, my next-door neighbor's (the wife of the deceased groundhog killer, for those keeping score at home) cat died. Hey, that kitty was 16 years old and had more energy than my three combined. No complaints about its time on this earth.
• When this story first broke I put my head in the sand. Now hear my warning. Any more articles that begin with...
...will result in me hunting down the so-called journalist that would write this and kill them. That's all.
3 p.m.
• OK, now this is depressing. Late last year I spoke with my former high school teacher after 13 years since my graduation. Turns out some of her students were working on this publication and I assisted her with some things. I just received the book today, and goddamn was this an impressive effort. After a first look-thorough I saw a few faux pas, but nothing serious –– mostly just little inconsistencies that only I would notice. Overall, this was an excellent product, and it made me think back to when I was in high school and my academic achievement –– or lack thereof. Hell, this is the same teacher who once called a work of mine in my 11th grade creative writing contest the most “bigoted thing she’s ever read” and “garbage.” What is this poem you ask? Well, if you remember TSM’s “Get Your Learn On” Folder, you’ll probably remember the poem in question. But it’s now 3 p.m. and time to go home. Developing…
7:30 a.m.
• So the last few years whenever I mowed the lawn I’d bag the clippings and store them in the backyard shed until garbage day, when I’d transport them to the curb. The problem with this is that many times I forgot about them and they would stay in the shed for weeks at a time, depending on the next time I mowed the lawn, opened the shed, and said “shit.” This year I’m trying something different. Instead of the shed, I’m putting the bags in the garage. This way I see them almost every day and I won’t forget about them. There’s only one downside to this: the grass aroma can leave a bit of a stink. However, the minuses outweigh the pluses, in my opinion. Of course, Mrs. kkk doesn’t agree with this and has bitched since the start of the mowing season this year. To shut her up, I went back to putting them in the shed. With all that said, here’s a conversation of our trip to work today.
“Did you take the grass bags from the shed for the garbage?”
“Shit. I forgot.”
“Why did you do that?”
“Because I mowed the lawn last Saturday and forgot.”
“When did you start putting them back in the shed?”
“Because you kept bitching about the bags being in the garage.”
Wedded bliss.
11:45 a.m.
• Wonder if this was featured in Mikey Moore's latest film?
Boy, it's a good thing those new moms got all this at no charge thanks to Canada's FREE health care. Perhaps Mikey didn't mention this because these people were nothing but plants by the corporations.
9:15 a.m.
• Whenever I wake up in the morning, there's always at least one of our three milling around, or on, the bed.
Animals may not be as "smart" as humans, but I'd take their instincts over what's printed in textbooks during many of life's instances.
7:15 a.m.
• So I finally got around to watching “Batman Begins” last night (like I’ve said before, I don’t watch movies in the theaters all that often, so I normally wait until they come out on DVD). All I can say is … wow. Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine, Liam Neeson, Gary Oldman, Katie Holmes ... Morgan Freeman. Awesome stuff. I actually liked the first part of the film when more of a “backstory” was presented than when all the action took place. I’m not a big comic book guy, but Batman was one of my favorites. This of course means I had at one time a dozen or so of his comics. I didn’t see “Batman” coming out of Christian Bale (who I never heard of up to this point), but that’s not a knock on him. It’s just whenever I hear “Batman” the first image that pops into my head is Michael Keaton –– similar to how I think of Roger Moore whenever I hear the words “James Bond,” even though I always liked the Sean Connery movies better. I’m sure I’ll feel the same way when the Joker is featured in the next movie, which is what I’ve read about in the TSM Movie folder. That white-and-green bad guy will always be Jack to me.
• While I'm on the subject of movies –– que?
8:30 p.m.
So I was flipping through channels the other day and came across this.
Do I really need to say anything else?
2:30 p.m.
• Please let there be footage of this and have it end up on one of those "Wildest Chases/Stupid Criminals" shows.
Ha, I don't need to wait that long. Here's the video.
7 a.m.
• So Ward Churchill finally got the boot from his cushy academic job.
Now I get to hear about this shit for the next few years while he sues over his free speech rights. Hey, Colorado, you hired him. You gave him tenure. You reap what you sow.
• So whenever you pour some chili on your hot dogs, remember that it was made in the ghetto. Oh well, can't be any worse than the imported shit we get from China and Mexico.
This part made me laugh, but I always get a chuckle from the word "crack house."
7:30 p.m.
• So yesterday the better half was in one of her “nobody loves me I’m going to be a miserable bitch” moods, which prompted me to buy her some flowers in hopes that the rest of the day would be somewhat bearable. As I went to purchase these overpriced plants at the register, I noticed I got a few looks from some female passer-bys. So here’s some advice to you single guys out there looking to score at a grocery store outside of its produce section: Do your shopping with some flowers/roses in hand. Of course, whenever Mrs. kkk sees some guy doing this she always asks, “why don’t you get me flowers anymore?” to which my reply usually is, “because I haven’t pissed you off to the extent where I would have to get them for a while.”
• After all that shit with those hippie iPhones coming out we get this.
2:30 p.m.
• But did they get health benefits and work breaks?
• So the local Wendy's around here has its breakfast menu all up an running. Best of luck to them. I'm not a big breakfast-on-the-go person, but out of all the fast-food places out there, I've always liked Wendy's the best. It's a shame this place is in financial trouble.
• I talked about this a while back, but because it's not showing up on my searches, I'm crossing my fingers and hoping I sided with the docs on this one then as I do now.
Then again, perhaps I should be like those Jersey feminazis who said that when 9/11 first happened, W. shouldn't have been reading turtle books to school children and instead have been in Air Force One shooting down any other hijacked planes.
• Why am I posting this?
Because I'm curious to know what will become of the two crackmoms in my neck of the woods whose kids died in a house fire while they were at a bar.
• Really? I would have never guessed.
9:30 p.m.
• So Drew Carey is going to follow in Bob Barker’s footsteps.
As long as he promises never to do another one of those “Whose Line…” shows, I’m down. Other than that abortion of a show, I’ve never had a problem with Carey. I remember years ago he was on O’Reilly’s show blasting Uncle Sam’s death tax, so he’s A-OK in my book.
• Mom and Pop, look out.
• Hey environmentalists, please protest in China during the next summer games. Please please please please please please. Let's see how tolerant the Chinese are of your cries of global warming and pollution.
3 p.m.
• Uh, oops.
I have oftentimes identified people by their appearance, and one time it could have bitten me in the rump. I was at the Quickie Mart, and this one guy forgot to pay for his fuel. He was a frequent patron, but I didn’t know his name. I left a note for the next cashier that the “bald guy” with the beard that drove a particular vehicle forgot to pay for his fill up. He, of course, read this note a day or so later when he stopped in for something-or-other. Fortunately, he had a sense of humor and just found the note funny. What else was I supposed to say – the 6’1” white male with a beard?
I find it funny that some people have a problem with saying somebody is of a particular race. Picture this: you are at a table with nine white guys and a black guy, and the black guy just told a funny story, leaving the other people in stitches. A stranger walks buy and asks you what happened, and you reply, “Bob just told a funny joke.” The stranger then says, “Who’s Bob?” What do you say – the man with the green pants and brown Polo shirt? No, you say “the black guy.” It’s funny to see some people squirm around this subject.
When I was at community college, my feminazi school newspaper adviser was trying to describe to a student what the subject of his upcoming feature story looked like. She first said, “he’s big,” followed by “he has a beard.” I couldn’t take it anymore and blurted out “he’s black.” Of course, he was one of two or three black professors at this place. The group of students sitting around me just started laughing out loud at how our liberal prof skirted around the most distinctive characteristic this guy had.
7:30 p.m.
• Oh this better not start a trend.
That is, unless this TV prez gets killed.
• And yet we continue to bitch about $3/gallon gasoline.
Well, this ruling is by the 9th Circus, so there is a chance it'll get overturned.
• Gee, what’s this? A tax that didn’t do what it was supposed to do? I’m shocked. Boy, I can’t wait for this FREE government health care.
• Don't you know that forbidding prayer while at work during unscheduled breaks is one of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male?
I really don't care about all this shit, but what caught my eye was this guy's name.
12:15 p.m.
• So I just heard on the NFL Network that you can get 177 different words from Houshmandez. Damn.
• I goofed on Philly's mayor a while back regarding his waiting in like for an iPhone. All is forgiven.
7:30 p.m.
• Christ, like I don’t stay home enough already – just got off the phone with the Comcast guy for this package deal. For the past year I’ve had this $100/month deal (fuck this $99.99 shit) where I got Digital Cable, Internet and phone service all under the Comcast umbrella. This deal expires tomorrow and I was eligible for a Digital Premier Bundle for $160/month. I will now be getting all the HBO, Cinemax, Showtime, TMC, Encore and Starz channels, along with an upgraded tier of digital channels and a DVR. Now I really don’t care that much about getting premium channels – when Mrs. kkk and I moved back to Pennsylvania in 2003, we took this special offer from Comcast where we got Digital Cable and some premium channels for a cheap price for six months. Once this expired we cancelled the digital service and went on with life. What made me take this service is that the aforementioned $100/month deal is ending and the normal cost for this stuff is somewhere around $120/month – why not do an extra $40 and get all this other stuff. Remember, it’s not so much being a Jew with your money but rather the kind of value you get.
4:15 p.m.
• So with this being third full season where I’ve been mowing the yard, I’m actually surprised to learn that I don’t mind doing this shit during the summer months. I thought the spring/fall seasons would be more acceptable to me because I hate humidity. However, the summer months also features a dry lawn, which makes cutting so much more easier than when my grass-killing contraption clogs up with damp grass every 10 feet of mowing.
• I read this in the paper today and just had to share the best parts
11 p.m.
• So I was listening to an archived Dennis Miller radio show from earlier this week, and he had a few callers talk about their days working at a GM/Chrysler/etc. plant, where the unions don’t care what goes on as long as you pay your dues. Were these callers really ex-Big Labor workers? Who knows. But my favorite was this chick who said, “I was the first manager at Chrysler, err, I mean a major automotive plant.” Oh, that was smooth. She said “Big plant” once more, then Miller said, “Was it Chrysler.” Great delivery – made me laugh out loud.
Later on in the afternoon I was listening to a local RIGHT-WING RADIO host who was taking calls from some PISSED OFF people because their government schools were going to be invaded by some city folk. Here’s the story in more detail.
Part of me feels for these people who are about to have more students go to their school. Duquesne is a shit hole, and I’m sure these students will drag down the quality of the other two schools they populate, even though I’m not sure how good West Mifflin and East Allegheny are regarding academics. I'm sure people who call these detractors "RACISTS" would do the same thing if a similar event would take place in their township. However, this is what happens when your child is enrolled in a government school. The show's highlight was some kid who was reading from a piece of paper about something-or-other about this issue to the host. The host asked, “are you reading off a piece of paper?” The caller said no, which prompted the host to say, “it sounds like you’re reading something to me.” The caller responded, “It’s all from the brain,” then made that “Ptttth" noise you make with your tongue before hanging up the phone. It’s times like this when I love local radio.
Speaking of talk radio, the other day some caller to Mark Madden’s show suggested that the Pens top draft pick (some center) should be the starting center while Sidney Crosby, the league MVP, moves over to a wing position. Did I mention that sometimes there is nothing funnier than local talk radio? And what’s on the horizon – Steelers training camp. Time to over-analyze every training camp drill and keep track of which players drink the most Gatorade.
10:30 p.m.
• Shit. This is the sort of thing that gives local governments more money from Uncle Sam.
Speaking of managing money, I just found out today that the "miscellaneous" part of my department's budget includes the ink cartridges I order for my office printer. What's odd about this? Every other ink cartridge in our organization gets paid for out of the general office supply budget. I don't think my "So am I going to be billed for the paper, pens and paper clips I use?" didn't help matters much. Then again, I'm not allowed to spend any money in my budget anyway, and neither is my poor co-worker, who got the third degree for a recent business trip when he dared to put down hotel and fuel costs on an expense report.
10 p.m.
• So the better half was arguing with me over the meaning of “hot” when it comes to describing someone’s attractiveness. She contended that “hot” meant, in guy speak, “I sure want to fuck that chick,” adding that words like “pretty,” “attractive,” and “good-looking” mean that the male doesn’t want to stick his thingy in the stink box as much. After pondering this for a few seconds, I had to disagree. I always considered “hot” to be a general slang term. Now if a guy says any of the other terms, I would contend that person wants to have sex even more because he actually took the time to think of these more descriptive words. You can say that anyone is “hot,” but to take the time and tell a woman that they are “pretty” or “attractive” seemed to get the panties wetter faster. Then again, you can just get them drunk and wait until they pass out and not have to worry about any of this.
• The fact this guy is a University of Cincy student doesn't surprise me in the slightest.
I remember applying for a number of UC jobs during my time in Ohio, and each time I was given an Authoritve Blacktion card to let them know what race I was. After sending in a few of these, I decided to just start filling in other races other than the mighty whitey category. I wonder if they HR people actually believed an Eskimo was applying for work at their institution.
3:30 p.m.
• So a while back I applied for this one job that I never heard back from except for when I got the “Your resume is impressive but you suck” letter. In fact, it came so long after I applied, it took me a while to remember when I first sent my resume out. A few months later (my rejection letter came around late February/early March), I noticed in the newspaper that the same job was advertised again (this was sometime in April). I chuckled to myself figuring the “ideal candidate” they picked didn’t work out. I looked through the classifieds last night and guess what I read? Yep. The same place looking for the same position. Now either this place is expanding at such a rapid rate they need to triple the staff for this position or they are such a clusterfuck to work for that the turnover rate is just as bad as the Houston Texans (or whoever led the league in this category last year). Sometimes the job you get passed over for is the best thing that could ever happen.
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 16: Cerebus
I first met Cerebus a few years back, and he really enjoyed the debate which used to go on in the CE threads. On top of that, he actually knew what he was talking about. Hey, did you know he was a Palestinian Christian? Cerebus was part of the Conservative Brigade, but because he was from Connecticut, where RINOs graze like how the buffalo used to before whitey showed up, he was never given the exclusive VIP membership card. However, he really isn’t like many of the other pansy-ass RINOs in the New England region; he just doesn't care for the Pat Robertsons of the world, and you really can’t blame someone for that. I’m not exactly a Robertson fan, but if he gets enough people to the polls to vote for the same people I do, then he can say God shows his wrath to third-world countries that don’t believe in Christianity through tidal waves, earthquakes and the AIDS. Then again God didn’t create AIDS, the C.I.A. did to wipe out the inner-cities. However, like many government agencies, they fucked up and now homos can’t ride bareback. Thanks a lot, Reagan. You had to go ruin that, too. I don't think I mentioned this yet, but Cerebus is a Palestinian Christian. Sadly, like many people at TSM, he moved on to do stuff in the real world, such as make babies with his hot wife, teach and do other grown-up stuff that I’m still trying to stay away from because I’m only of shell of a true man like Cerebus, who doesn’t mind being responsible and willing to engage in the circle of life. Oh, yeah. I think I heard somewhere that he is a Palestinian Christian.
7:45 p.m.
• Now there's an arrest in a tortise torture case? Good God.
4:45 p.m.
• Yeah, we don't want any of those totalitarion groups in Germany exploiting vulnerable people.
1:30 p.m.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this). It’s not really a call, it’s an e-mail she just read. Someone wrote to say that she was driving down the road and saw a sign that read “Kids Come First Daycare.” Now daycare centers are like concentration camps on this show, so that’s why this e-mail was read. However, the reason I mention this is that there’s a daycare with the same name just down the road from where I live. Now the location of the e-mailer wasn’t said, and I’m sure there’s more than one business in this country with this name. However, Dr. Laura is in the Shittsburgh market. The real kicker to this is that there is a woman’s strip club right next to this daycare center near me.
Wait, I just got the caller of the day. Someone’s in love with some guy and had premarital sex with him. Uh oh. Here we go. “What you’re doing for free other women charge for.” “You’re putting prostitutes out of business.” OK, now that was funny. Why the hell would anyone call this show with a question dealing with out-of-wedlock sex? I lived in sin for six-and-a-half years and could just imagine the bitching I’d get on this show if I called with a similar question. Actually, I am curious about something. Mrs. kkk has a friend who was a bridesmaid at our wedding. Now there’s a chance that this chick could get married to this real piece of work. The better half has told her friend what she things of this guy. If her friend would end up marrying this guy, Mrs. kkk thinks that being a bridesmaid would be an endorsement of this holy union. However, if she would refuse to be a bridesmaid this would probably be the end of the friendship. Personally, I don’t think being a bridesmaid endorses the marriage; it’s just being there for a friend or family member. I could be wrong on this one, but then again I’m a guy and we don’t know shit about this stuff.
7:30 a.m.
• With yesterday's Vick and psycho-leaves-girl-to-gators stories making their rounds around the media, I didn't have the heart to tell the better half about the teens-light-kitten-on-fire tragedy. I figured she would find out about it soon enough. She did. From my work inbox this morning.
Oh this will be a fun ride home today. It's kinda funny, whenever we took in our two stray cats, each time the mother-in-law made a remark that Mrs. kkk is trying to save everything in this world. We're not trying to save the world. Just what comes up to our doorstep. And just as long as it has four legs and a tail. Fuck the human race.
9 p.m.
• So I had O'Reilly on and he was talking about some hot ghetto mess Web site, and he said that this voyeuristic Web site is exploiting the inner city. He then made a side comment about how the ghetto really isn’t a mess and this is making the people of the inner city look bad. Uh, Bill.
8 p.m.
• Let's complete the humans-are-scum trifectia with this gem.
And what is this "alternative theory"?
Riiiiight. Here's the rest of the story. And LOL at the attorney firings. Just think, the one he kept offers the "alternative theory." Perhaps the other fired legal eagles had souls. Then again, probably not.
7:45 p.m.
• What the fuck is wrong with this world?
Christ only knows what happened to the other kittens. And perhaps those who compain about the teenage death not getting as much "attention" should have shown their outrage when it happened. Sad thing is the cat's probably going to die anyway and those little monsters will get counseling when they should be getting a special delivery from the Cancer Fairy.
4:30 p.m.
• As I'm typing JJ is taking a pee in the computer room litterbox. Sometimes I wonder if cats get annoyed if they're trying to do their business when someone else is in the room. I know I like to use stalls when in a public facility. God is that ever a gamble, hoping to find a toilet that's not clogged up with shit.
You know, as much as I think cigarettes are nothing more than a tax on the stupid, when will it end?
The reason I say this is because once there's not enough smokers to pay out these taxes, Big Government will come after some of the stuff I like, such as burgers, fries and soft drinks. Then again, they're already doing this, but the process will be sped up more.
1:30 p.m.
• So the better half and I had ESPN’s Mike and Mike on this morning, and they were talking about the Michael Vick case and how he’s been indicted for dog fighting. Now Mrs. kkk has a real soft spot for animals (you’d figure that out with the three cats we have), and when she heard that dogs in the Vick Manor were (allegedly) electrocuted, hung and shot, among other things, she turned the radio off. I turned it back on the local RIGHT-WING RADIO guy whose co-hosts she HATES, I then said something to her and turned my head and saw her in pre-cry mode, where her lower lip covers up her upper lip and the chin dimples start to show. Believe me, I know this look, seeing how she’s married to me. Anyway, just to be my usual asshole self, I said to her, “Now dear, this is part of their culture.” She shot back with the following remark, “Well it was part of our society’s culture to hang these niggers from a tree like they did those dogs and beat them to death. Maybe we should do that with these fucking assholes!”
Wow.
I couldn’t think of anything else to say but, “Baby, I love you.”
By the way, couldn’t Vick just own a meat processing plant and get his jollies from livestock getting killed? He could still bet money on how long it would take a cow to bleed to death or something.
9:30 p.m.
• So tonight was Texas Roadhouse night for the kkk household. I can’t remember the last time I went, but damn I love this place. Great food, from the hard-boiled egg bits they put in the salad to that apple-butter stuff for the rolls, to the steak/chicken/pork. And the value is solid, too. Actually, I remember going here after W. got re-elected, and the place was packed with joyous Republicans. Christ only knows what it was like the day after the ’06 elections. I bet Panera Bread, Starbucks and the fag hippie eatery (Amazon café, I think it’s called) by the local mall were filled to the gills with the tofu and kelp flying off the shelves.
• On the way home from work today I saw another bumper sticker worth noting. At first I was going to mention my sight of an Edwards ’08 decal, but then a few miles later my attention turned to this gem. It was a picture of a pistol with that circle/slash symbol with the words “No handguns please.” Oh that’s fucking brilliant. If I was a carjacker I know I’d sure stay away from you. Why don’t you put a sign out on your lawn that reads, “This house is a gun-free zone.” Idiot.
• Man, and I thought those celebrity PSA’s in the States were retarded.
I love that last paragraph. Actually, from what I hear, trafficking is mad crazy down there. Then again, when it’s 11 p.m. and you’re in the mood for some Latina teen poon, Jose is only a phone call away, and the delivery charges are pretty reasonable, especially with the rising gas prices and all.
• But … but… the WWE said there weren’t any roids in Benoit’s body.
• Wow, Smues was right. Alaska sure has its share of fucked up drivers.
kkk's Top 103 Posters
Number 17: Wildbomb 4:20
Some of you may not remember this guy, but I sure do. When Mr. Bomb first came on the scene, he actually tried to make valid, thought-out arguments. Peep this post regarding media bias.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, here’s another post of his in the SAME THREAD talking about the economy.
Please note he’s not copying and pasting material someone else already wrote. This is all original thought. And you expect me to actually read all this? And what was my response to him after skimming through the latter post?
When another poster questioned why I just “refer to the very end of (the post), ignoring the meat of the information,” I had to remind him that I generally don’t read anything longer than two sentences (or three syllables) at this place. Besides, if I spent the time actually reading long, thought-out posts, you wouldn’t get such hilarity like what I posted at thread's end.
Sadly, poor Wildbomb still gave it that old $120,000 college try by attempting to generate serious discussion, but he would usually came up short. However, because we were both in the communications field, we shot the shit quite a bit via PMs, and there were actually a few threads where there was somewhat decent banter. And what did many of these threads have in common? Wildbomb wasn’t going on 500+ word posts about how much he owes in school loans. Let this be a lesson to all aspiring TSM posters – nobody wants to read all that shit. Nobody cares. If you’re going to post something long, make it be from someone else and just bold selected text to make it appear like you actually read the whole thing while hoping there’s nothing contradictory that could shoot your premise down. Wildbomb finally caught on and realized that nobody at this place is going to significantly change his or her opinions because some faceless message board poster said something smart. I have no idea what he’s been up to in the last few years, but for his sake I hope he’s paying down that $60+k in school loans. The fact he doesn’t post much, if at all, anymore is certainly a good sign.
Ha. I just goofed on Wildbomb for making long posts and I’m already at the 1400+ word mark with this entry. Well, most of this text is from, surprise, other people’s posts. Besides, this is a blog, not some hippie thread. You EXPECT this kind of deep thought in these personal journals. Well, what you expect and what you get are two different things. And I got some bad news…
…HERE COMES THE HIT SQUAD!
It's PMD up in the sector
I wreck the microphonin
I'm quick to pull a Tek
and snap that neck
and leave ya moanin
Kid I'm zoning
it's on
and I'm back up on the block
(Aiyo, we represent the sewer!)
Son, I represent the dock
(dock)
Plus I knock
(what?)
niggas out the box quickly
Kid I'm strictly motherfuckin business
so get wit me
Yo Scratch hit me
so I can do my thing and blow the spot
Here’s some more bad news – this entry ain’t getting much better.
9 p.m.
• So when cats sleep, you can tell if they’re dreaming by their paws twitching. Once in a while one of our three might give a little chirp when snoozing; God knows what they’re thinking about. However, last night when Max was sleeping on the recliner he began meowing – loudly. At first I thought I was on his tail or something, but I wasn’t. He let out a few more meows and continued his slumber. Guess it was a nightmare or something. I know it couldn’t have been an imaginary girlfriend because he’s fixed. Then again, maybe he was pissed that nothing was going on down there in dreamland.
• So I was driving home through the hood today, and what was in front of me? This hippie van-thingy in front of me that was spewing so much exhaust I had to wind up the windows and turn on the air conditioner. And what kind of bumper sticker was on it? The kind that said, “Act Green” then something about how the earth appreciates it. Oh if Mrs. kkk only got me a camera phone. Oh who am I kidding? No way in hell I’d be able to figure it out. Damn kids and their fancy text messages. Actually, I think the whole point of texting is stupid because all people seem to say is…
“how r u”
“good u”
“good lol”
“where r u”
“work ”
" "
“lol”
“lol”
“cu l8r”
“cu”
And there’s $50 right there.
5 p.m.
So the better half just called and told me I got a cell phone. Like anyone calls me on the landline. Now she'll be bitching about me never having it on, losing it or having it fall apart. Joy.
4:30 p.m.
• Just a note for all kkk Bowl participants: I should be making an announcement in the Sports thread late this month/early August. If you had a team last year, you’ll get first dibs at it again. I’m about halfway done with the score sheets and I might get motivated enough to finish it off today.
• Pity, really. I wish they would have paid an extra $6 million for covering up the action of perv priests.
Makes me wonder how many of these lawsuits are legit and how many are bullshit. Also makes me wonder why I didn't jump on the cash-wagon when I had the chance. That's right, Mrs. kkk is a Catholic. I'm a confirmed Lutheran. Drat.
• Saw the original Rollerball for the first time last night. Eh. I didn’t really like the whole “corporations take over the world” bit because I think a one-world government would have been a better fit. After all, I thought Big Corporation wanted wars, poverty and all that other good stuff. But despite my nit-pickery, it’s still a better movie than that crap which came out a few years ago under the same name.
4:30 p.m.
• This has been a somewhat-big story in my neck of the woods. This just goes to show that if some drunk driver plows into you, and your car can still run after the collision, run over the sonofabitch and killer the fucker if you have the chance. Taking a wrench to the lush's head a few times will work, too, if your car is unable to drive.
3:30 p.m.
• So the better half was reading her church’s weekly newsletter-thing and said that they’re looking for some guest family (or whatever they’re called) for some South Korean exchange student. (Sorry, Vyce, this one’s 16.) After I got my “Don’t even think about it unless you don’t want to see our cats again” remark out of the way, I had to comment that it’s amazing for someone that young to travel half-way across the world and spend a year with people you don’t know. Shit, I’m lucky to leave the house during the weekend.
• This past week had a date titled 7-11 and Friday the 13th. Weird.
6:30 p.m.
• Ha.
And you’re the one that wants the unFairness Doctrine in place to ban RIGHT-WING RADIO. Get a taste of your own medicine by having someone curtail your speech, you little shit.
• So Sidney Crosby signed a contract extension and didn’t get the biggest payday he could have.
More power to him. I’ve said before, I don’t mind athletes trying to get as much money as they can. If you’re fortunate to have your services in that high of demand, then go for the phat check. However, surely there has to come a time when the money takes a back seat to other things. At the end of his career, Crosby is going to have a shitload of money. If you were in his position, would you rather have $200 million and no Stanley Cup title or $150 million with a much better chance to give that silver trophy a smooch or two?
• David Beckham is in the hizzle.
Whatever. I have nothing against the chap. If he puts a few more butts in the seats, then yay. I doubt soccer will see a boom from this, but I’m sure if ESPN shoves this down our throats, then maybe I’m wrong. Then again, that hippie cell phone they pimped a while back didn’t quite work out for them, and those commercials got on my last nerve. While I’m on the subject of ESPN, this “Who’s Now” thing they’re doing has got to be one of the dumbest things I’ve seen this network do. When I’ve seen Jay Harris (one of the few anchors I don’t mind) talk about this gimmick I swear he’s saying to himself, “Think about the paycheck, Jay, just think about the paycheck.”
• Well no shit.
My one niece-in-law is a really big girl, and now that she’s getting into the double-digits in age, I can see that she’s getting a bit self-conscious of her waistline. Oh well.
Efforts? So calling someone “fatass” would be hate speech? Oh, and this is rich.
kkk’s Top 103 Posters
Number 18: Bravesfan
There’s not much to say about Bravesfan. Hell, I didn’t even bother doing some fancy intro or anything. I’ve known him for a while at this place. Years back he had some pick 'em football contest and I think it eventually drove him mad. He’s lived in Hawaii, moved to the Northwest to attend college, and that’s when I stopped keeping score. He still posts under some hippie name, but he’ll always be Bravesfan to me. God, this was a lame entry. Oh well, I still put more effort into it than he did with his most recent foray into the kkk Bowl postseason.
8:30 p.m.
• Well no shit.
Come on, illegals, invade this country. And bring a few towelheads with you. All I ask is that you blow shit up in San Fran, Berkley and Greenwich Village. Oh, and State College, too. Fuck that place.
• And this goddamn chat link at the top of the page is already getting on my nerves. I've mistakenly clicked on in four times today already.
• I might vote for Mike Huckabee in the Republican primary for thisquote alone.
Sadly, with the way Republicans have been acting, voting for someone because they made a Mikey Moore fat joke actually does seem like a good reason.
6 p.m.
• So I just took 20 minutes off of my life by going to Burger King. Hell, it's no worse than the two hours I lost due to some fagtard getting into an accident on the Parkway East this afternoon. Anyway, I tried one of their new Oreo shake things. It was there, but what gave me a hard-on was the straw it came with. Yes, the straw. Seriously, this thing is f'n HUGE. You don't have to worry about sucking on some plastic hole for 20 minutes in the hopes of getting some dairy delight. This bitch will suck up Oreo chunks like it's no problem. That's all I got.
7 a.m.
• A while back I mentioned the 1997 Pirates team that captured the heart of the city by hanging out at the top of the NL Central for most of the summer. Problem was, this was a sub-.500 team that got knocked off by a much better Astros team that decided to show up late in the season. I always found it funny that this "freak show," as it was dubbed by the Shittsburgh faithful was the most exciting time for baseball in the region since 1992. How sad is that?
Well, here's what's even sadder. The local media is doing a four-part series on this magical summer of '97. I linked the last in this series, and I'm not posting any of this shit. Go find it and read it yourself.
• Oh, no. My state's climate could be more like Alabama's if we don't get our emissions under control.
So says the UNION OF CONCERNED SCIENTISTS. Who comes up these names? I want to hear the report from the Right-to-Work State of Don't-Give-a-Fuck Scientists.
• Speaking of commie institutions, here's another one.
Bilked? Here's a wild thought. Maybe if the customers had the money in their accounts they wouldn't be subject to overdraft fees and all that other shit. Jesus Christ, what is so hard about having a little cash cushion in your bank account?
If you don't have enough money to cover a 50-cent candy bar, then you shouldn't be using your debit card in the first place. Actually, I have a funny story regarding this subject. When I was 16, I was at the mall and bought the Geto Boys' "Til' Death Do Us Part." After buying this album, I wanted a Wendy's Jr. Cheeseburger from the food court. I needed to take some money out of the ATM. I couldn't. There wasn't enough in my account to make the minimum $10 cash withdrawl. It was right then that I said to myself, "WTF, I don't even have enough for a 99-cent cheeseburger?!" (Actually, I had $8-9, but you get the point.) From that moment I've been the kkk-stein you've all know and love. Of course, if I had a debit card and used that, my 99-cent cheeseburger could have costed $30 with the draft fees, but let's just say I still would have learned my lesson. And besides, I was 16 at the time, and that is the best time to learn these financial survival skills –– not when you're an adult living on your own or trying to raise a family.
I still have that Geto Boys tape, and "Bring it On" still ownz all ur azzes.
10 p.m.
• So lovecraft is talking about hippie songs he likes and shit over at his blog. For some reason this gave me the urge to pop in an oldie but goldie -- Body Count's first album. You know, the one with "Cop Killer." Actually, I never really cared for that song when there's much better content on this album. Take for example the genius of these lyrics.
Not quite the same as listening to the actual album, but it's more than what I was expecting from You Tube. I think. OK, I just heard the break between the first and second verses. Forget what I said in the first sentence. My ears, bitch! Now I'm actually watching the video. The hell?
9:45 p.m.
• Forget declining memory and reasoning abilities -- how about old people just get grumpier as time goes along? I should know.
Say, that reminds me. Why don't blacks want their kids marrying Mexicans? Because they don't want their grandchildren too lazy to steal. Who says I don't understand humor comprehension?
5:15 p.m.
• So I just saw my first movie trailer for that Underdog movie. And the sad thing is this will probably make money.
3 p.m.
• Yeah, I know I’m a loser. I don’t care.
So I made some notable changes to my teams in MVP 2005. Well, I didn’t do much with the Pirates, because, well, how can you tweak utter perfection? My A, AA and AAA teams did get some face-lifts. Single-A position players with much better stats than their AAA counterparts moved up while others moved down, and over the last few days I had some interesting contests.
MLB: Edged the Rockies 1-0 thanks to a solo home run. Thank God Colorado can’t hit left-handers in this game.
AA: Was down 7-0 by the second inning, even though I had one of my best starters pitching. To make matters worse, those bastards then switched from a southpaw to a right-handed pitcher, thus screwing up my lineup, which had a few players who couldn’t hit worth shit against righties. Thanks to a five-run ninth, I rallied and won 9-8. Because I called up several players, I needed a right fielder and signed one via free agency. This guy went 3-4 in this game with 4 RBI.
A: This team was a regular mash-fest, which is why I called up several players to AA and AAA teams. I had some trouble scoring early on, but I managed to tie this contest and we went into extra innings – eight of them to be exact. And the funny thing is, my worst relief pitcher threw five scoreless innings.
I’ll probably play my AAA team sometime this week. God only knows what’s going to happen with this bunch.
• I sure can’t wait to see how I got fucked over with this new budget deal.
Crap. That's never a good sign whenever both sides claim victory.
So Fast Eddie is probably going to spend more on stupid shit, and he’s not raising taxes … yet. That’s not a victory you Republican shitheads. You know what this reminds me of? Years ago a group of us were trick-or-treating, and these kids came up to one in our group and surrounded him demanding candy. Much like animals in the wild, we cut our losses with the weak link and moved on. A few houses later, we were approached by the kid we abandoned, and he said to us, “I showed them. They each wanted five candy from me and I only gave them three.” Yeah, you showed them.
Good job Republicans. You state pols are just as bad as the Democrats. Then again, fuck the constituents. They deserve to get screwed. Oh, and listen to this furloughed worker.
You were off for a DAY! And I read in the local paper about someone bitching about this because many state workers live paycheck to paycheck. Well whose fucking fault is that?
8 p.m.
• LOL Mikey Moore.
That joke writes itself. And he wants media outlets to tell the truth? While we’re on this subject, how exactly is universal health care “free”?
Wait a second, Mikey just said at the end that he doesn’t do taped interviews that can be edited. Oh that’s funny.
• So today I heard on several ESPN shows that one of the big stories of this All-Star Weekend, err, day or two, is Barry Bonds not participating in tonight’s home-run contest. “OMG he owes it to the people in San Francisco fans for their years of blind loyalty,” “OMG he is finally getting into the good graces of the world and he’s ruining it,” “OMG he’s turned his back on the fans yet again.”
Look, I can’t stand Bonds, but he can do whatever the hell he wants – and many times he does just that. Besides, I thought Major League Baseball wanted to distance itself from the roid age? Wouldn’t have The Forehead taking his cuts at Pac Bell Whatever it’s Called Ball Park do just that. Listening to the national sports media tell Bonds what he should do to enhance his image is like having a N.Y. Times columnist give advice to the GOP on what Republicans should do in order to win the next election.
• While on the subject of baseball, for those that like this sort of thing:
• OMG FAUX NEWS LOL20… uh, ah screw it. I’m too lazy right now to think up a nickname for the BBC.
• Damn you global warming.
Of course, this is now why we’re referring to this as “climate change.” That way, they don’t have to worry about the earth getting hot or cold.
• N*gga plz.
If they really wanted to make an impact, they would have hung this mean word from a tree or put it on a burning, wodden, lower-case "t" indicating that it's time for this word to leave.
7 p.m.
• Poor Katie.
Ha, that "free speech" thing they started out with died. That's funny. Wait, dressing down for less criticism? Wouldn't it be the other way? Oh well. I'm glad the whole thing is going to shit.
• Well at least we know this wasn't a lover's quarrell.
9:30 a.m.
• Christ, the house was just cleaned on Friday and now Max, who is a longhair, is starting to leave his signature card all over the floor. Oh well, nothing he can do about it; cat’s gotta shed. Besides, he’s so darn adorable.
Of course, the clumps of fur could also be spots where he wrestled with JJ while I was sleeping. It’s actually quite amusing to see. As I have said before, JJ is actually a rather powerful cat, but this strength is wrapped up in a package of cowardice. He’ll run up to Max and made this gesture that he wants to wrestle and they’ll go at it for about five seconds until JJ jumps up and runs away. And JJ always likes to be the one on the bottom. Go figure.
11 p.m.
• Haven’t paid attention to the hippie Save-the-Planet concerts, but I figured someone would bring this up:
But that’s OK. Because it’s all for a good cause.
You know, Al, instead of holding hippie concerts to tell us all how to live our lives, I think your time would be better served answering your critics.
• This was also on Drudge, but what's better than the actual article...
...was the in the comment section after the article. El Duderino, my n*gga.
No, they don't have anything better to do. Dealing with domestic Islamic terrorists is one of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male.
2:30 p.m.
• So I went to bed at 3 a.m. after watching that Insomniac special hosted by David Attell. Wasn’t too bad, actually. I’d rank the performances as Giraldo, Attell, Rouse and … ugh … Cook. What is the big deal behind this guy? I’ve seen two performances from him and I think I’ve only chuckled once, maybe twice – but that was because two of my cats were wrestling in front of the television at the time. Anyway, I went to bed and woke up at 1:30 p.m. today: a ten-and-a-half hour nap. Haven’t had one of those in a while. It brought back memories when I was living in Sappy Valley.
I lived at that shithole from January ’99 through August of ’00, and for my last several months I had an apartment to myself. The future Mrs. kkk went back home after she graduated from Penn State to work for a few months, and I stayed because I had steady work and it was easier to do that than go back to the Shittsburgh region, look for work for three months, and them move again to Ohio, which is where we were headed for that August. I worked 60+ hours/7 days per week, and there were several days when I put in 12+ hour shifts. There were some days when I got in and slept for 17 hours straight. And it was great. Christ, when you awaken from one of those slumbers you feel like you’re ready to take on the world.
Oh, yeah. Here was my Friday night. The test-tube welfare family I have talked about in the past stopped over for the first time to get our old screen door for their casa. And they brought their two test-tube kids. Gag. I’m sorry. I do not like these people. It mostly stems from the fact they purposely had two kids via artificial insemination when they do not have the money for this. Many people would feel bad for a family of four if they collected welfare because the dad and mom got laid off from their job, or an accident/illness befell one of them. However, these two people were on the public dole BEFORE heading off to the sperm clinic. (Note: Due to the seach function seemingly being out of order, I can't link up previous entries talking about these people to give some background info to any n00bs reading.)
Anyway, it was funny to see their reaction to our house because they were AMAZED at how nice it was. Yes, these people own a HOUSE. A house, which I learned last night, needs ductwork because the previous owner built new shitty walls to cover up the shittier walls from prospective buyers. Oh, yeah. The previous buyer didn’t install any new ventilation ducts to allow the hot air from circulating throughout the house; basically, the hot air just stayed in-between the two walls. The test-tube family didn’t realize this and just kept turning up the heat this past winter, resulting one month in a $700 bill, which I’m sure the taxpayers footed the bill for. Their house also has, according to the better half, uneven floors that allow someone to roll objects from tables and countertops with no effort. There were a few other fix-em-ups that this piece of property needs, but I can’t remember what they were. I guess those $300 mortgage payments (which they are several months behind on) proves the adage, “you get what you pay for.”
So as I sat there listening to them talking about how the matriarch of this family can’t work more than two days per week or else they wouldn’t be able to get welfare, I was doing everything I can to not include any commentary of my own. What job does this person work? She cleans her aunt’s house (the aunt whose house I attend every Memorial Day for that annual family cookout), and by “cleans” I mean “sits down all day and watches television with the rest of the public assistance leeches.” Then I heard that they were thinking about bringing a THIRD human being into this world. Oh hell no. Keep watching the Braves game, which was on to keep their kids somewhat distracted, and this will be all over with soon enough. WTF? The White Sox game was 20-14? Back to reality, the younger of the two kids says, something that struck fear into me.
“Daddy, I went poopie.”
OH HELL NO! With as droopy as that diaper of hers is, you get that brat out of this house. Sure my three cats will launch the occasional turd from one of their litter boxes and bat it around on the floor, and Dessa will infrequently pee on the carpet sometimes just to be a bitch, but they're cats. And, more importantly, they're my cats and are much less maintenance overall than a fledging human being. When these people finally left, with the screen door tied down to the top of their car and the glass part placed in the back seat (which is where their two kids were also sitting), I grabbed the can of Oust from the bathroom and started spraying the living room. Mrs. kkk and I then exchanged the following words. Figure out who said what yourself.
“What are you doing?”
“Getting the ‘poor people’ smell out of our house.”
“That is so not right.”
“Then why are you laughing?”
5:15 p.m.
• So let me get this right. I drive home from work. Now garbage pick up for me is Friday. Today is Friday. However, there are several holidays that, if they fall on a weekday, pushes back garbage collection back a day. One of these holidays is Independence Day. This means my garbage pick up is Saturday. This morning when driving to work, I noticed several houses on my street with their trash out. When I got back from work, the cans were there, but the garbage wasn’t. Hmmm. To solve this groovy mystery I called up the garbage company.
Me: Good afternoon, I was calling because I was wondering if there was a trash collection along 666 kkk Street?
Them: What day is your pick up?
Me: Today, but with this week featuring Independence Day, and this holiday listed on your card saying which holidays move back collection, I was double-checking.
Them: You collection will be tomorrow, that’s right.
Me: OK. The reason I called was that when I left for work several houses along my street had their trash out, and when I returned home the cans were still there but the trash was gone.
Them: That’s right. They left their garbage up to be collected.
Me: But you just said collection will be tomorrow.
Them: That’s right.
Me: Huh?
Them: We collect it both days. It’s easier that way.
Me: Uh, OK.
So in order to make it easier for the trash collectors, they have to drive two routes for two days to collect garbage from neighborhoods that are told not to put out their trash until a day later than normal? Well if it works for Waste Management, then it works for me. I always wondered how they dealt with holidays.
12:45 p.m.
• Whew. I'm glad Burger King is getting rid of those dangerous trans-fats. Now I can eat my triple whopper with cheese value meal without fear of it being bad for me.
• Remember yesterday's entry when I said my trip to the zoo was blocked off by a parade? It wasn't.
I guess I should feel bad and ponder my own existence in this crazy world, but I don't. Hey, you didn't have to hear the better half bitch about not being able to see the tiger cubs on the drive home.
• I wonder if you get an STD from this if you can claim workman's comp, or whatever they do over there.
6:15 p.m.
• So how was my Fourth of July? From Monday:
Better Half: “Let’s do something for the Fourth.”
Me: “Let’s not.”
“I want to go to the zoo.”
“Why? You’re going to the zoo next week with the niece and nephew.”
“I want to see the baby tiger cubs.”
“We have three cats.”
“We’re going.”
So on the way to the zoo, we find out that the main road to get to said animal hangout is shut off, probably for some hippie parade. We took a side road and hoped we could end up somewhere near the zoo. Did I mention the Shittsburgh zoo is located next to fucking ghettos and shit? Well, after a few turns we weren’t in Kansas anymore. I wished we were in Kansas. There would have been much less black people giving us thug looks and eying up our phat rims. We decided to turn around and backtrack, hoping we could get one of the fine city’s public servants to let us know what the hell to do. Well, when we got back to where the zoo road was shut off, we realized that now even MORE of the road was closed, and the officers were less than helpful. We took a road that we knew and go on during our daily commute home from work. As we were driving this road we noticed there was quite a bit of smoke a few blocks down from us. Mrs. kkk then said…
“Are they having a barbeque?”
No. They’re having an accident. A really bad one. I have no idea what happened, but some car was plastered against a telephone pole, and some young white guy was lying on the street. There was a crowd, lots of screaming and an old, white cop trying to direct traffic. Oh, and the totaled car was on fire. The cop asked if we had a fire extinguisher. We didn’t. Then we came to a familiar sight. A few weeks ago, this house was hanging a banner, accusing some guy named George Hall of stalking. Well, the banner was taken down a little while ago, but now it was back up.
Apparently, the guy is back to stalking.
Mrs. kkk was still hell-bent on going to the zoo, so we took the Parkway and tried getting to said zoo in this direction. Well, guess where we ended up? Yep, right back to that shut down road, except this time even MORE of the road was closed. Pissed off, we retreated back to suburbia and decided to see a movie. What was the movie? The fourth Die Hard film.
Now I’ve made some comments in the Die Hard thread about my concern for the PG-13 rating. After all, the suckitude that was “Alien v. Predator” achieved a similar rating when it should have been made to appeal to an R-rated audience, but whatever. I went with Die Hard because that was the longest-running of the available films and I wanted to get my money’s worth (a Jew to the end, I know). I’ll tell you what, how the hell did this get a PG-13 rating? Now I could talk about the actual movie and my thoughts on the fourth installment in the Die Hard series, but it’s so much more entertaining to talk about the animals I had to share the same building with for these few hours.
Let’s start with the fellow Die Hard movie-goers. Now this cinema was packed, which isn’t surprising considering the Fourth of July. However, what makes this aggravating is that all the sheeple just stand around the one or two ushers who rip tickets waiting for their movie to start seating. This of course prevents anyone from getting through to see their movie, which is already seating. And of course, there is an ELECTRIC MARQUEE on the wall TELLING people which movies/times are currently being seated and which others aren’t quite ready for seating yet. NOBODY LOOKS AT THIS BOARD! It’s not that hard. Oh, there’s “Die Hard.” Oh, there’s 4 p.m.. Oh, there’s “Now Seating.” Get the fuck out of my way people. Actually, I didn’t bowl over these old people in my way because I gave them a warning when I said out loud to Mrs. kkk, “So do you want to lead in the plowing efforts to get to our movie or should I do it this time?” The old people in front of me wandering around in small circles got the hint and parted to the side. The usher ripped our tickets and said, “Down this hallway. Fourth door to your left. It’s the one without a marquee on because it’s broken.” As we started walking down the hall, I heard the usher say the same thing to the people behind us. Mrs. kkk decided to go to the bathroom and I stood by the Die Hard auditorium door waiting for her. While waiting, several groups of people strolled by with a look of confusion. Yep. They didn’t pay attention when the usher said the Die Hard marquee was down. The better half re-emerged and two separate groups of people asked us where the 4 p.m. Die Hard feature was. Mrs. kkk pointed to the auditorium and said the usher told us it was the one with the broken marquee. Each time the people replied, “Well he didn’t tell US that.”
Oh bullshit. If there’s one thing I know it’s that movie patrons are among some of the dumbest people out there. Once an usher rips their ticket the customers zone out and pay no attention whatsoever to whatever the employee says after that. The better half said to me that when she was in the ladies room, someone was complaining to her about not being told where the Die Hard feature was being played. Yeah. Oh, and when we got our seats I went back out to get a drink and Junior Mints. When I passed this poor usher to and from the snack stand, guess what I heard him say each time to customers.
“Down this hallway. Fourth door to your left. It’s the one without a marquee on because it’s broken.”
So the movie started after 30 minutes of commercials and previews. Look, I don’t really mind wading through previews and shit because that just gives people who showed up late the chance to find a seat before the film starts, but come on – don’t play the same commercials I see on TV on the silver screen. Can’t we be somewhat creative? Oh, and there were two previews to films dealing with the WAR ON TERROR. Christ, people go to the movies to escape this shit. The only saving moment came during some commie “Lions and Lambs” piece of shit that Robert Redford made where Tom Cruise, who I guess is playing some warmonger, says some line like, “If you *do something* the TERRORISTS HAVE WON.” This prompted me to say, “If you don’t come out of the closet, the TERRORISTS HAVE ALREADY WON,” prompting a snicker from Mrs. kkk.
The other highlight of the movie-going experience came afterward when I went to take a number one in the men’s room. After I was done, I returned out to the lobby hall and said the following to the two ushers who were just finished cleaning up the Die Hard auditorium.
“Someone just pooped on the floor in the cripple stool.”
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people? And no, it wasn't me that did it.
3 p.m.
• So this sucker client asked my co-worker on Monday to transfer from her account $6,000 because she was having medical work done to her and needed the money by today. My co-worker placed the necessary form/parperwork on my idiot boss’ desk Monday morning at 10 a.m. because he has to see and approve EVERY transaction we make. He finally got around to reading this request … at 11 a.m. today. Bwahahahahaha.
• Would you believe this shit?
Al Gore Jr. was going 100 mph in a PRIUS! And just how much gas was wasted by him going vroom-vroom? The terrorists won this round for sure.
10 a.m.
• Wha-?
Perhaps the upset Frenchies aren't used to seeing one of their own jogging in Paris rather than away from Paris when the Germans come to pay them a visit.
