8:30 p.m.
• Time to see if I’m a true-blue Juggalo or a Poser. Before I begin, I have a funny/sad story related to the Insane Clown Posse that I would like to share. While working as a team leader for a test-scoring facility in Ohio, I came across this essay answer that was nothing more than the lyrics to ICP’s “Under the Moon” (I can’t remember what the test question was). Oddly enough, that wasn’t the only “rap song” answer I encountered while working this job. In an essay question asking the student to tell a story of how he or she overcame a challenge, I got the lyrics to the Notorious B.I.G. “Warning.” However, at the end of the essay, instead of talking about busting a cap in the home invaders, he wrote something like “Hold on, I hear somebody coming. Hey, it’s Bob and Steve. You two want to go and get something to eat?” But now I’m getting off-track. I have to test my Juggalo cred.
1.) How many members are in ICP?
a) 2
b) 4
c) 1
d) Unknown.
Answer: Two
2.) The members of ICP all have tha same first name , whut is it?
a) Steve
b) Mike
c) illig
d) Joseph
Answer: Fuck, I don’t know. They both look like “Mikes.”
3) Whut are the band-names tha members go by?
a) Violent J, Shaggy 2 Dope
b) AnyBody killa(ABK), Jumpsteady
c) Esham, Jumpsteady
d) Dont hav NE
Answer: Easy. J and Shaggy.
4) Whut waz the previous name used by tha members of ICP?(whut waz there street/gang name?)
a) Hatchet Family
b) Tha Dark Carnival
c) Insane Jester Gang
d) Inner City Posse
Answer: Inner City Posse – how the hell do I know that?
5) Whut was tha Story they were trying to tell through music?
a) Story of tha Dark Carnival
b) Hatchet warrior story
c) Tha story of tha jesters/jokers
d) There isnt a story
e) …
Answer: …
6) Did all tha members hav dreads?
a) No
b)Yes
c) Only one did
d) They didnt evere have dreads, they had braids
e) .....
Answer: I’m going with the “braids” answer because I smell a swerve with this one.
7) Well weather they were dreads or braids, why did one of them have to shave them off?
a) Never did
b) No reason
c) A new look
d) For a Movie
Answer: Got to be a movie. LL Cool J showed us his bald head in "Halloween: H2O." Nothing wrong with holding out for the right price.
8) Well if they made a movie whut waz it called?
a) Never made a movie
b) no names, they were music videos
c) Big money hustlas
d) Tha history of Insane Clown Posse
Answer: OK, well it looks like I got #7 right. I’ll go with Hustlas because I doubt they would have went with “Tha history…” title.
9) There were origanaly thought that there was supossed to be 7 joker cards but in tha end how many are there?
a) 5
b) 6
c) 4
d) 10
Answer: Unless there was some change to the joker cards after the Great Milenko, I'm pretty sure the answer is 6.
10) Whut joker card was tha master of Necromancy?
a) Tha Great Milenko
b) Tha Amazing Jeckle brothers
c) Carnival Carnag
d) Tha Wraith
e) Tha Ring Master
f) Tha Riddlebox
Answer: Oh hell, I think I actually know this one. Milenko.
OK, now time to see if I’m Juggalo-worthy. *Clicks submit.*
Juggalo
Your a True Juggalo, Born With a hatchet and a juggalo face, Cruisin with A trunk full of faygo and a car full of fat chix, and haunted by a Dark Carnival, your hmies are family too, and you believe Santa Clause is a fat bitch. Hallowen is prolly ur favorite Holiday. if this is tru and ur a juggalette you should im me on Aim: IndependentJ0ker (with tha number zero) Much Clown love!
I have no idea how many I got wrong on this quiz, and I don’t want to know. Actually, I'm more afraid of how many I got right. Oh hell, I'll admit it. I own Riddlebox, Tunnel of Love and Milenko (all of them are bought used -- even I have my standards). It's all in good campy fun. Plus they make fun of rednecks. OK, final story for tonight. During the late ‘90s, the better half’s mother watched a bit of pro wrestling, which was odd for me when she’d ask me questions about why the Undertaker wasn’t on television (injury) or why did Bret Hart go from the WWF to the “other place” (OMG VINCE SCREWED BRET). But the strangest encounter came when ICP was with the WWF in that “Oddities” group, and my future mother-in-law said that these two performers were “funny” and that she wanted to know if they were “real” musicians (I’m sure I can put quote marks around the word musicians, too). A short while later I gave her a copy of “Riddlebox” because I knew it would offend her beyond belief (almost as bad as the time I informed her of the “Piss Christ”), and I was right. Why she allowed me to eventually marry her daughter I have no idea.
7 p.m.
• Yesterday I talked about how much I like this time of year. However, there was one little thing I forgot to mention that I absolutely fucking hate. For some reason, when the sun starts shining, and people roll down the windows to their vehicles, many people get the urge to drive like assholes – or at least bigger assholes than they usually drive. I get it. You like to drive fast on a highway. Fine. But then people start weaving in and out of lanes during rush hour traffic just to get an extra car length or two. I witnessed several examples of this today, but the best by far was when one car was on its hood with the wheels still spinning. The funny thing was that there were no other cars hit or property damaged. My guess is that the driver was speeding and took a turn or hit the brakes, resulting in his car taking flight or flipping. Good.
• Whatever.
I really don’t care. Last year’s Monday Night crew was “eh,” and I’m sure this trio won’t be much better, or worse. But if this means more J.A. Adande “Jaws” impressions, then I throw my support behind this move.
9:30 a.m.
• Get the hell out of here.
HOWEVER
If there was "good parenting," the kids wouldn't be in daycare in one of these institutions. Yeah, I know, OMG what should SINGLE MOMS and WORKING FAMILIES do~?! and all that shit. How about this: don't have kids before you can afford them.
8 p.m.
• Looks like the winter season is over in my part of the country. This weekend was the first this year when the windows were opened throughout the house. I like the seasonal transition from winter to spring because it’s not too hot where the AC needs turned on and it’s not too cold so that the better half will bitch about being cold – well at least not bitch all that much. Too bad in a few months it’ll be hotter than shit. Then again, it beats snow so I’m not complaining. However, this weather means that pretty soon I’ll have to start mowing the lawn again. In addition, I’m going to have to rake the leaves in the backyard, too. The last two years I raked the leaves in the autumn right before the snow, but this past season I was sick and didn’t get around to doing so. At least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
• Payback is a bitch, mother fucker.
Wait a second.
Sonofabitch. It wasn’t Mike Nifong. Wow. Never thought I’d live to see the day where I feel sympathy for a defense lawyer. Then again, if I should ever get dragged into court I’ll probably be showering my Jew lawyer with praise.
• Awesome.
Why do I think this is funny? Because Middletown, Ohio, my former residence, is located in Butler County. Oddly enough, there is a Butler county in the southwestern Pennsylvania area, too. It's the county just above Allegheny county (which is where Shittsburgh is located). For those that don't know by now, my county is to the east of Allegheny. While I’m on the subject of Middletown, I remember this story from two years ago, and I don’t think I've mentioned it here before.
During my limited time living in Middletown, I never had a problem with the local tax people. Actually, I’ve never had a problem with any local tax people anywhere I have lived. Well, last year my local tax man didn’t cash my April check until the end of May, but whatever. It's local government.
11:45 p.m.
• So I was flipping channels earlier today and came across some hippie Vh1 show that showed mini-videos. Eh. Oh well, this one got a laugh out of me. While I'm sorta on this subject, I actually like that Gene Simmons show on A&E. I don't watch this program on a regular basis, but if there is nothing else playing I'll put the remote down. I'm not a huge fan of Kiss, but the fact Gene is so obsessed with money makes him one of my heroes.
7:30 p.m.
• I’ve bitched about this before, but I don’t care.
Boo-fucking hoo. If you can’t afford a home, then don’t get a subprime loan you stupid fucks. I know owning a home is the “American Dream” and all that shit, but go at it the right way. Make sound choices in your life. Don’t live beyond your means. And for the love of Christ, don’t get an adjustable mortgage rate. Unlike the family mentioned above in this pseudo-sob story, don’t worry about the foosball table and hot tub until after you get financial matters in order. Oh this shit pisses me off. Sometimes life can throw you a curveball, but if you are prepared for it you have a better chance at properly reacting to whatever comes your way. It pays to hold out for the best possible deal rather than instantly gratify yourself and have it come back to bite you in the ass later.
• If we don’t help out citrus farmers, the terrorists win.
Actually, this type of shit goes on all the time in politics – attaching some pork, err, orange, to a bill that has nothing to do with the added spending. But since Democrats are now in charge I’m OUTRAGED!
• I’m sure this guy, if convicted, can get the East Valley Tribune for free in the prison’s library.
7:45 p.m.
• What's this?
Please let it be a Jew bitching about the “Passion.”
Oh well. Maybe next time.
Good for Mel. Too bad he wasn’t drunk. It would have been more entertaining.
Oh shut up you fucking bitch. “Your people” did some crazy shit – all cultures do. Deal with it.
Here’s my favorite part.
For the last fucking time – THIS PART OF THE WORLD WAS FUCKED UP BEFORE WHITEY CAME ALONG AND TOOK ALL YOUR GOLD! Say, this reminds me of my Quickie Mart days. There was this hippie chick that I used to work with. Well, actually, “hippie,” doesn’t do her justice. She was one of those wiccan moonbats who really believed all that shit, and this was before “Charmed” made wicca cool: or at least showed some practitioners with nice tits. Our magic moment came when I told her Indians weren’t these holier-than-thou pacifists and that they could tear shit up with the best of them. I also mentioned the Aztecs would sacrifice and eat their babies to appease the Sun God, or one of those things they worshipped. Did the Aztecs actually do this? I don’t remember, but I probably heard that they did, so it must be true. This chick then said that she followed this one tribe which roamed the Great Plains and lived off what the land provided for them. She then commented that one day they mysteriously disappeared, to which I replied, “That’s because the baby-eating Indians came up and kicked their asses.”
Boy did that sure piss her off. Hey, a quick Google search shows that my baby-eating remark may have legs (and arms, too, depending on Chief I-Sold-New-York-For-A-Bag-Of-Beads-From-The-Dollar-Store's appetite).
And this is from Informationliberation.com – THE NEWS YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW! :o :o :o
• So Eminem, who has bitched in the past about CENSORSHIP, is trying to silence his ex-wife. (They're now divorced? That's right. Today's Friday.)
Oh you got to be shitting me. This can’t be serious.
Hey, what is this? Why, it’s the lyrics to one of Eminem’s songs.
How DARE that bitch say Em is "slacking very much when it comes to the kids." That would make any baby daddy mad enough to kill ... or at least write a song about it.
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 33: Hawk 34
Even though we have never met, Hawk and I have an unbreakable bond that can never be broken, much like the one I have with fellow poster Gert T. What's that bond? We have all lived in or near the Middletown, Ohio, region. With its unique mix of white and ghetto trash, Middletown has this charm that other, more developed communities lack. Oh there were many a night when I saw the flashing lights of a police car racing down by my townhouse along Clark Street off to catch some hooligans. Speaking of racing, Hawk likes that NASCAR stuff. I don’t know how that’s a redeeming quality to me, seeing I don’t really care about this sport (yes, I call it a sport), but whatever. And you know what, even though he’s been suspected of being the previously banned poster Choken One, I really don’t care. I had no qualms with Choken, so even if Hawk is the “One,” thus swerving nobody on this board but me, big deal. I do have several reasons to believe Hawk isn’t Choken, and one of them is that Hawk has shown me a picture of his squeeze. Even though she is hot, I don’t believe they are cousins. Now if Hawk would have only sent me a picture of her without all those pesky clothes, he might have cracked the Top 20.
And now a word or three from the expert panel I've assembled to comment on the people I've listed.
From Black Lushus:
From SFA Jack:
From Cancer Marney:
5:45 p.m.
• So I stayed 15 minutes past my normal workday and decided to let the better half, who was home sick, know that I was going to be late. As I told her this over the phone, she then said, “Can you stop and get me a Happy Meal?” (I can already hear the “Vyce” jokes being typed.)
FUCK.
No, it’s not that I hate spending money – well, OK, it’s partly that – but it’s more that Happy Meal = McDonald’s, and the only Golden Arches that’s on the way home from work is a shithole. Well, the store itself isn’t too bad, but all their employees are ghetto trash and the service is awful. Every time I have stopped there, I swear to Christ that it takes at least 10 minutes for them to get an order done. But oh well, I’m a great good average at least I don’t cheat husband, so I went.
I pulled in and the first thing I do is make that all-important decision: Drive-thru or in-store? Generally, my rule is if the drive-thru line is a few cars deep I’ll brave this route; otherwise, just go inside. Because there were no cars in plain sight in the drive-thru I figured what the heck and made my choice. Besides, at this store it really doesn’t matter because no matter where you go – you’re going to be waiting regardless. As I pulled to the speaker and delivered my order I looked at my dashboard clock – 3:52 p.m. I had the “Who Made Who” soundtrack playing and skipped to “Chase the Ace,” my favorite track on the album. I love how that shit picks up as the song continues. As much as I like the first track, the self-titled “Who Made Who,” I can only listen to the first two verses before getting bored, and “For Those About to Rock” has the opposite effect for me; I usually fast-forward to around the 4-minute mark when the cannons start firing. “You Shook Me All Night Long” is another solid offering, but, like “Who Made Who,” I start zoning out after the first verse or two. “Sink the Pink” and “Shake Your Foundations” are good tracks to have on as background noise. I generally don’t pay attention to “Hells Bells.” Those other two tracks – eh. Have I mentioned how awful the movie to this soundtrack is?
3:55 p.m. OK, when I placed my order there were only two vehicles in front of me. And the first automobile hasn’t budged. “Chase The Ace” is over and I want more AC/DC, but no more “Maximum Overdrive” memories. I reach into my portfolio bag and pull out “Highway to Hell.” Good enough, I’ll play “Girls Got Rhythm,” which is, at the moment, my favorite track of the album. Still no movement in the drive-thru line.
3:59 p.m. Oh you got to be fucking kidding me. I waited all this time and the motorist two cars down from me got a tiny bag of food? If there were several drink carriers being handed to him I could understand for the delay, but damn. Maybe a new batch of fries needed greased up or a Fillet o’ Fish had to be made from scratch. “Girls Got Rhythm” is over – maybe there’s enough time to hear some local RIGHT-WING RADIO and listen to the idiotic callers bitch about how Pennsylvania has these gay-ass state liquor stores? Seriously, these things are so fucking retarded. No, we can’t buy booze at a grocery store or a Quickie Mart. Why, that would make all of our kids alcoholics because what if they reach for a gallon of milk and accidentally pick up a six-pack of Bud? Then again, because I’m too lazy to head off to one of these government adult beverage centers I don’t buy alcohol, which saves me a few dollars. That’s one of the things I missed about Ohio – being able to buy alcohol any time, any place (well, almost any place). Jesus Christ this line isn’t moving, and there’s only one car in front of me.
4:02 p.m. Well, the top-of-the-hour newscast is beginning, so it’s time to put in another CD. Let’s see, how about “History of the Clash: Volume I”? I’m in the mood for “The Magnificent Seven” – Ring, ring it’s 7 a.m. There we go. And there goes the motorist. Well, this person actually left during “Wave bye-bye to the boss, it’s our profit it’s his loss,” but that wouldn't have sounded as clever. Now it’s my turn to wait. You know what annoys me? When you are waiting in line for other customers that take forever and a day to get their order, and then when it’s your turn the wait is virtually nil and the cashier gets impatient because you have the nerve to double-check your order. And by double-check I mean look into the bag to make sure a burger and fries are in there. Well, that sorta happened when my order was completed, but drive-thru cashiers are more accustomed to customers doing a quick once-over. Hey, my order is here, and it’s 4:07 p.m. Just in time for “Rock the Casbah.” You know, I often defend rappers for sampling music, but what Will Smith did with that “Will 2K” abortion was too much even for me to handle. Let my memories of this song be of that cute armadillo scampering about.
Fifteen minutes, one Happy Meal, three songs and some RIGHT-WING RADIO banter. And the sad thing is, I thought I'd be waiting longer. Nevertheless, Sharif don't like it. But what am I going to do – declare a jihad? I have no children to strap with explosives, and there's no way I'd turn my kitties into martyrs. Considering they are all fixed, I doubt they would be able to do much with their 40 virgins and all.
8 a.m.
• Whenever you think you suck at your job, just read this.
• Al Gore says that the planet has a "fever."
So where do we stick the thermometer for a temperature reading?
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 34: Carnival
This might come as a surprise to some, seeing how the little pecker beat me in last year’s TSM Poster Tournament. However, he’s a cat person and a juggalo to boot. If you don’t know what a juggalo is, just be thankful and move on. He also comes to the TSM community in hopes that we can pick him a suitable mate, or at least something to stick his wang into for a while – that is before his plan went all to hell.
And now a word or five from the expert panel I've assembled to comment on the people I've listed.
From Lovecraft:
From Black Lushus:
From ... Carnival:
From SFA Jack:
From Cancer Marney:
6:30 p.m.
• Well, the better half has been sick for the past week or so, and everytime this happens it's only a matter of time before it latches onto me. Today is that day.
2:30 p.m.
• This is funny.
Pesonally, I don't want to know how many people will be at my funeral -- I'm guessing two, maybe three.
10 a.m.
• First we’re killing off the polar bears by melting away their frosty homes due to global warming, and now some hippie animal rights people want to off baby bears that become too “human”?
Now that last paragraph might seem a little … odd, but otherwise, leave the zoo alone. I’m sure you’ll be able to use this bear in upcoming commie videos claiming that melting ice caps forced little Knut into the waiting arms of the Berlin Zoo.
• Well, yesterday it was Dessa’s turn to go to the vet. Out of the three we have to take every year for their annual checkup/shots, she’s the easiest to deal with. Her defense of stiffing up so as to not get into the carrier doesn’t work, and most of her commotion consists of little, pathetic meows, unlike JJ and Max, who won’t shut up. While at the vet’s I asked about the recent pet food scare.
We feed Dessa and JJ Eukanuba, although it’s dry kibble 99.9 percent of the time, so I figured they weren’t in any danger, but you never know (Max gets a special diet due to crystals in his urine). One of the symptoms I read involving this bad food is loss of appetite, which so far rules these three out. Christ, every feeding time is like disturbing rations at a refugee camp.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 35: Damaramu
Everybody’s favorite TSM hoss, Damaramu will be remembered for his many shenanigans, whether they involved his abuse of power as a library security guard, his dilemnas with 16-year-olds or dealing with the loss of his aborted unborn child. While known for his sports-folder meltdowns whenever the Oklahoma Sooners lost a football game, I’ll remember him better as that journalism student who vigorously pursued his dream of writing athlete profiles and game recaps. And speaking of giving, I even sent him a book that I had to buy during my time in journalism school. Basically, it was a bunch of short stories about what some professionals in the field did their first year out of college and looking for work in this competitive industry. Seeing how Damaramu seemed genuine about his desire to be a reporter, and knowing that I will never again open this gay-ass book, I figured what the hell and mailed him this publication. I doubt he actually read any of those stories (I mentioned him this one story in that book I sent and asked if he read it. He said “no.”), but that doesn’t mean anything in regards to if he’ll make it in this crazy world. I only read one or two of those hippie stories, and look how great I turned out.
And now a word or two from the expert panel I've assembled to comment on the people I've listed.
From Carnival:
From SFA Jack:
9 p.m.
• And like a good neighbor, State Farm is there ... a year-and-a-half after the fact.
Wait a second, I've got State Farm for my auto and homeowner's insurance. Oh well, I'm sure I'll get properly jewed when the time comes, too.
8:30 p.m.
• I knew duct tape was good for many things but wart removal?
• What a pussy.
My three kids gnaw the shit out my hands/arms all the time when I'm playing with them. When we just had Dessa, she used to attack without mercy whenever I was using the computer or when the better half was studying. Did we sue? No. Instead I would give her a kitty treat to go away. Of course, this just conditioned her to scratch and bite until she got her "reward," and once she ate her treat she'd just hop right back onto the desk/table for more. How did I remedy this? Through discipline? Obedience school? No. We just adopted JJ, so Dessa could abuse him instead of us. Poor JJ.
3 p.m.
• So at work today our Marketing Director (Head Insurance Salesman) got called in by upper management because someone from our office staff complained about him taking his kid to the doctors last week during "business hours." There's one tiny problem -- the work responsibilities he has speak nothing of what hours he has to be in the office. As the head salesman, he doesn't have to be in the office 40 hours per week, or even 4 for that matter. All that matters is the business he brings in, and when you look at the figures, we nearly doubled out 2006 applications from 2005’s total (of which he started in April of 2005). You don’t even want to know the business he did when compared to 2004’s numbers. And of course nobody from our upper management knew of the Marketing Director’s “office hours,” even though they are the ones who made up the policy and told our Marketing Director of his “required time” in office during his interview! I guess I could also mention all the evening/weekend work he has done out on the road, but I'm still laughing over the first part of this post.
8 p.m.
• Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
And defense lawyers wonder why they're so hated.
Now why did I post all of that? To get to this.
4:15 p.m.
• You know, I don’t play golf, but there have been a few times in the past where I did my thing on a Par 3 course. And by “did my thing” I mean taking a dozen or so shots to get a ball in a hole in the ground. However, this golfing story brought back a childhood memory.
I was at a local Par 3 when I was about 12 or so years old with my old man and his live-in girlfriend at the time, along with some other people, I think. Now anytime I do anything with the old man, it almost always results in some stupid fight. Instead of just going out and having a good time, he always “coaches” me on how a professional would go about hitting a shot (or whatever it was we would be doing at the time). This time was no exception. Instead of just enjoying this time, every shot (or whiff) I made was awful/dreadful/a disgrace. Did I mention before that I have probably golfed a Par 3 a dozen times (20 max) in my life? Anyway, I was on this one hole and was on this slop just off the green. I hit the ball and instead of this being the shot of my life, the goddamn ball hit the pin and went in and out of the hole. Sonofabitch. Years later when I was living in Ohio, the old man took me to a driving range where I was being primed to be the next Tiger Woods. Of course I have no idea what the hell I’m doing, but that didn’t matter. What I found funny was that the old man was bitching because I was taking too long setting up the balls on the tee and hitting them (or at least attempting to make contact). When I attempted to explain to him that I was making sure my “form” wouldn’t make even a novice golfer cringe, he said, “when you’re out on the course you don’t have time to check your form.” Uh, OK. Hey, I’m not the one who purchased this bucket of golf balls, so I don’t care if I only hit them 10 feet. Memories.
• Why do I even watch ESPN? This morning when “Outside the Lines” was on, Bob Ley informed me that John Amaechi, that homo who came out of the closet just long enough to whore his book, has some endorsement deal (with a razor company I think), making him THE FIRST GAY ATHLETE WITH A MAJOR ENDORSEMENT DEAL, or something like that. It was such a retarded statement that even the better half looked up from her medicated semi-coma bout with the flu and commented, “oh who fucking cares already?”
Right after “Outside the Lines,” I had the Sports Reporters on, and I must say that as a kid I used to love this show. As I’ve gotten older, the hippie PC garbage I hear out of many of these so-called “experts” makes me roll my eyes. I’m not going to say it wasn’t like this during my youth because I may have just ignored it or something. Anyway, when Jeremy Schaap gave his “parting words” this week, he talked about how great the NCAA Tournament would be if all the players who could be playing college ball right now (Lebron James, some “Gay” guy from Uconn, etc.). Oh fuck you Jeremy. And what would happen if one of these pro-bound players would blow out a knee or rupture an ACL playing an amateur sport that could be fetching them millions of dollars on the open market? Would you write them a check to pay their mortgage? Oh boo-hoo, the March Madness Tournament isn’t as good as it could be. Get over it, douchebag. The games are exciting enough, and those with the ability to provide for their families are already out earning a living in the real world, something many commie college professors are unable to do and have to suck off the taxpayer’s teet. If a Lebron James really wants to get a college degree, he’s more than able to on his own time and on his own dime. So grin and bear it, Jeremy, and deal with the fact you won’t see James and Greg Oden on the same court sporting Ohio State University jerseys. Asshole.
9 p.m.
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 36: Vitamin X
This may seem like an odd one to some, especially considering how much he queered up this year’s TSM Poster Tournament. Sorry, but I did not dig this hippie bracketing/seeding shit; that was part of the beauty with Chave’s previous efforts. Each round you didn’t know who was matching up against whom. Which poster would you vote for – the one who posts a bunch regarding sports, or that other member who always was good for a laugh in the LSD folder? This season it just seemed, eh. However, like I said earlier, it’s his contest so it’s his rules. He has complained about the postseason process in my NFL pick ‘em league before, and there’s no way I’m changing the way my contest going to be done, so in the end we’re all even-steven. But I guess I’m supposed to say nice things about V-X; well, many of his people value freedom and opportunity. This is evident by them trying to get away from their shit hole of a country some 90 miles off the coast of Florida in the most imaginative ways possible. Ironically though, V-X would rather live in an America that resembles the commie commune many of his people risk their lives trying to flee. But I have a soft spot in my heart for Cubans. I’d take “those people” coming over on homemade rafts made out of kitchen tubs and wooden boards than those African chicks seeking asylum just because their “culture” gave them circumcisions. Oh boo-hoo, someone took out my clit -- just walk it off and get back in the kitchen. Besides, women aren’t supposed to enjoy sex anyway, and if they want to then they just become lesbians. What was I talking about again? Oh, yeah. V-X. Wait, did I say anything positive about him? Well, I’m sure someone from my panel will. At least I hope they do or else this selection would seem rather silly.
And now a word or four from the expert panel I've assembled to comment on the people I've listed.
From Black Lushus:
From Carnival:
From SFA Jack:
From Cancer Marney:
8:30 p.m.
• Well, Pitt won. BOY THEY SURE SHOWED A LOT OF HEART! <{ <{ <{ <{
I'll laugh if they play UCLA in the next round, considering that guy coaching the Bruins used to be the Panthers' head coach.
8:15 p.m.
• Pitt basketball -- lol. They are playing VCU in overtime, so I don't know how this game will end, but watching the Panthers collapse in the second half (I think they were up by 19 points at one point) made me laugh. I loved how the announcers just said some guy from Pitt just made a three-pointer and commented on his "heart." This is the same player who missed two free-throws with just seconds left in regulation. Yeah. It also annoys me when sportscasters oftentimes say this about the smallest player on the court/field. "Oh, that so-and-so has got the BIGGEST HEART out there." Oh fuck that shit. So a big person can't have any "heart"? Kiss my ass. Just because God made me taller than my opponent that doesn't mean I slouch in my on-the-court efforts. OK, well maybe I did, but I'm sure there are big people out there that tired harder than their smaller opponents. That sports broadcasting line is almost as annoying as the "Oh, I sure wouldn't want to be facing THAT TEAM in the playoffs." Gag, that line makes me want to stab a person's eyes out.
4:45 p.m.
• Mrs. kkk is dealing with a cold, and I had to scoot off to the store for Dayquil and a McDonald’s two cheeseburger value meal (whenever she gets sick, some transfatty fries seem to be just the cure). As I walked into the store I saw a sight that shook me down to my very core while employed in the food-service industry.
Several tables filled with children.
Unless you served up value meals for an extended period of time, you don’t know what it’s like. Trust me. Waiting on families with young children is the worst fucking thing in this world. Not only are kid’s meals a pain in the ass to prepare but most of the time the parents have no control over their heathen spawn so you have to stand there and try to get their complete order while the soccer mom is trying to round up these little demons. I just thank my lucky stars I was out of this line of work before all those Beanie Baby promotions. Good Christ, I would have killed someone. But I digress.
So as I went to the counter I noticed that one line had no customers behind these two guys. I’m pretty good at spotting the quickest line, and I figured that I was fortunate that I entered right when one customer was leaving and I was on the tail end of a line moving up. There were no signs that there were any special orders going down, and there was only one tray by them at the counter. Then I saw two other trays being prepared with about a dozen happy meals being loaded. FUCK.
Sometimes you beat the line game. Sometimes the line game makes you its bitch. Oh well, what doesn’t kill me only makes me wiser. And besides, this extended time I spent at the Golden Arches getting the better half’s lunch was well worth it because while I was gone she got a phone call from her mother that made for some interesting meal-time conversation, which I will sum up below.
It was bound to happen. The out-of-control niece-in-law had yet another fight with her on/off boyfriend, and to “get back at him” she broke into her crackwhore mother’s Xanax supply, swallowed the stash, smoked some crack (according to her story), drove to her part-time beau’s parent’s house (which is where he was staying for spring break) and caused a ruckus. After my laughter died down from hearing this, I was told that she was eventually rushed to the emergency room due to her overdose and will be headed to the psycho ward for a mandatory 72-hour lockup, or whatever it’s called, after she comes off her high. As the better half was telling me this story, she said something I never thought I would hear in a million years from her.
“Boy am I glad I now have your family’s name.”
You got to be kidding me. The same kkk family name that I avoid like the plague? The same family that feels a night is wasted if a bar fight isn’t involved? The same family that gave me shit for not wearing a trenchcoat to my grandmother’s recent funeral? This is the family Mrs. kkk is glad to be named after? Then again, when the niece-in-law was cuffed to her hospital bed the police officers in the room took note of the niece’s last name and said that they knew her crackwhore mother. And I guess the new job she was just hired for – hostess at one of those fancy smacny chain restaurants – will be over before it even starts (she was put on this week’s schedule). Such a shame. Truly.
As I'm typing this, I got "Night of the Living Baseheads" playing. Awesome.
8:30 p.m.
• So it looks like the Pens will stay in Shittsburgh. Yay, and stuff.
If this is what Mario wants, then more power to him. I still wanted them to move for reasons I have stated in the past. I wanted them to win the Stanley Cup and head out to KC right after the post-playoff rally – that would have been funny as hell.
• Please keep this story away from Maury Povich.
And no, I'm not going to make "Povich already has enough chimps on his babby-daddy shows." Besides, the white couples are much more entertaining. It seems like they actually care about these paternity tests and are too poor to take them any other way -- the black couples just want their 10 minutes on camera and free trip out to the big city.
• Can you blame the Japs for not wanting to have sex? With some of the video I've seen on-line I'd be afraid to stick anything near those people -- I might have an eel pop out and chomp on my one-eyed appendage.
• Reading this brought back memories.
It was just like that bit Sam Kiniosn did back in the day, when during a drive from Needles and Barstow he decided to take a nap behind the wheel. A few years ago I was driving back from Connecticut to Shittsburgh on business, and instead of spending the night and making the drive in the morning I decided that I could make the trip overnight. Of course, my estimated timing took a turn for the worse after a wrong turn or three. While on the PA Turnpike just a few hours or so away from my exit the thought of napping while driving on a straight road seemed appealing. That was when I decided to wind down all my rent-a-car’s windows and singing out loud even though I had no music on. Forget driving in inclement weather, this moment scared the shit out of me. Fortunately I got through without a hitch and I vowed never to test my staying power when driving on the interstate. And while I’m on this subject, to anyone living in the New York/Connecticut area, you will never have to worry about setting up residence there. No offense, but goddamn there are way too many people living there. Then again, I’d rather have you all concentrated over there yonder than moving to my neck of the woods and gaying up my region – we have enough Democrats as it is already.
8:45 p.m.
• A while back I made a comment to SFA Jack in a PM about if I won the lotto/wasn’t married/etc. and got to move anywhere I wanted to I might go with Texas. It seems like a conservative enough state and it probably won’t get completely overrun with Mexicans until after I’m dead. However, after seeing an episode of “Cops” this evening, I think I might have to amend this statement. Travis County – lol. I may go with Georgia, but it'd have to be away from all the black people. And away from that humidity, too.
8:15 p.m.
• Well I had the interview today. Yay, I guess. If I was unemployed I’d probably be sleepless in anticipation of a call back, but I’m over all that shit. I had another, in my opinion, solid interview, where I responded to their questions way better than they did mine. All in all, this place seems like a nice place to work. Just the place for me to enter and queer it all up. Actually, it was funny because I got in early and saw the one chick escorting another candidate for this job out. He must have been the interviewee for that previous hour, and he was leaving at 50 past the hour. When arranging this interview, I was told to expect to be there an hour, so this kid was leaving with 10 minutes to spare. I knew this person wasn’t going to get the job over me. Christ, he didn’t even wear a jacket to the interview and looked like a goddamn slob. I came in, did my thing and left after 80 minutes. Hell, I’ve been on interviews that were supposed to last one hour and ended up being 3-4 hours and I still didn’t get called back, so I don’t normally go by “time spent.” Hell, there have been times when I knew I wasn’t getting the job, but I stayed and asked a buttload of questions just to piss off my interviewer. Hey, you want to waste my time, I’ll waste yours.
I should hear back from them next week if I’m getting called back. Will I get called back? Don’t know, don’t care. Like I said earlier, I’ve stopped caring about trying to figure out how I did at an interview. I’ll objectively judge my performance afterward and decide what I did good (did my best to keep in contact with all three interviewers in the room and answered all questions with thorough examples) and what needed improving (I caught myself slouching a few times). One thing that will probably go against me is being “overqualified,” which I find funny because I’ve been on interviews in year’s past when I’ve actually had people tell me all the duties that would be required of this position, and when I address each requirement point-by-point, it was then I got fed the over-qualified line. But it all works out in the end, and what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. Either that, or sends you to the grave at an early age due to a heart attack.
• Que?
Elections? Now that's funny.
• Over the last few days I’ve been playing my Public Enemy collection, and I must say that for years I have always preferred “Fear of a Black Planet” over “It Takes a Nation of Millions.” However, I think that’s starting to change. I’ve been preferring the PE’s second album in recent listenings over their third effort, and I think it’s going to stay that way for a while – although I’ve always LOVED “Black Steel in the Hour of Chaos.” One of my favorite lines: “My plan said I had to get out and break north/Just like with Oliver’s neck/I had to get off.”
• Fuck these Jew bastards.
Here’s my Bally’s story. When I was 18 I signed up for some hippie plan, and the plan was like $30 per month for a few years, $20 per month for a few years and then $6 per month for LIFE. As the years went by I didn’t go to Bally’s as much due to my college/full-time job schedule and my gym wasn’t open during the times I wanted to work out. But I had the extra money to spend and I figured with that $6 per month for LIFE quickly approaching, what have I got do lose?
Apparently, I had $6 per month for LIFE to lose. Oh, did I say $6? I meant $20. The first month after I made my first $6 per month for LIFE payment, I was informed that they were jacking up my LIFETIME PAYMENTS to the level it had previously been at, which around $20, or something like that. Fuck you Bally’s, fuck you right in the ear. Speaking of gyms, I always found it funny that people who went there to get in shape would illegally park in fictional spots next to the gym because they were too lazy to park in the back of a full lot and spend a few minutes WALKING to the front door.
• Oh, here’s another PE line I love from “Rebel Without a Pause” that just got played: “From a rebel it’s final on black vinyl/Soul, rock and roll comin’ like a rhino.” And for those that wracked their brain over my question of where did the line, “Now Freeze … Music Please,” come from? “It’s My Thing,” from EPMD’s first album “Strictly Business.” However, I made two faux pas – the “hip-hop” beat I refer to comes after “Music Please,” not before, and the line goes "And then I yell freeze." Man, I bet this cost me some street cred. Whatever, my favorite track on "Strictly Business" has always been "Let the Funk Flow" anyway.
8:30 p.m.
• So I’m getting ready for an interview tomorrow, and I’m going about the business of getting my portfolio ready. Why the hell do I even bother? I can’t remember the last time anyone bothered to even ask for work samples. Of course, if I just go in cold, that’s when the question will be asked. I am generally pretty honest with myself about my chances at a job, and the last few interviews were “eh.” It’s not a big deal – the interviewers themselves were nothing to write home about, and I’m not going to trade one shithole workplace for another. This place I feel has potential. We’ll see tomorrow.
8 p.m.
• You know all those polls you hear about and wonder “Where do they come up with these people?” Well, I’m one of these people. I got a Snoozeweek survey person on the phone right now. Oh my God.
“Is there progress being made in Iraq?”
“Do you approve of the way George W. Bush is handling the economy?”
“Did the Bush Administration do a good job handling the Walter Reed hospital scandal or should more people have been fired?”
“Do you approve of a) gay marriage, b) civil unions, c) burning these queers at the stake?”
Here were my two favorites:
“Would someone who was previously married and went through a nasty public divorce influence whether or not you would vote for them?” (My answer: I’d still vote for Rudy.)
“Would someone who had a grandfather that had multiple wives influence whether or not you would vote for them?” (My answer: I’d still vote for Mitt over that beast Hitlery.)
And then she asked, “Would someone who had a homosexual affair while married influence whether or not you would vote for them?” I said yep. OMG I’M SUCH A HATEMONGER. Too bad that person should have just stayed homo and not started a family because now they are put in the most uncomfortable of uncomfortable positions, and I’m not talking about the backseat of a Volkswagon. I’m surprised they didn’t ask, “Would someone who divorced his wife while she was battling cancer for a younger, more attractive woman influence whether or not you would vote for them?” (BTW: My answer to that would be “yes.” Sorry, Newt.)
When the chick thanked me for my time I replied, “Thanks. I can’t wait to see how you skewer these results.” So when the next Snoozeweek poll gets released and you wonder who are those people that think our country is the shizzle, you’re looking at one, baby. Oh, and I said fuck Congressional Democrats when it comes to issuing troop withdrawals.
8 p.m.
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 37: AlwaysPissedOff
Now one would think with him being all African-American and shit that this would be an appropriate user name. But the strange thing is I don’t think I’ve ever seen him pissed off, or even slightly irritated for that matter. And he’s been in my kkk Bowl league since the beginning, so he has to be aware of my unwavering RACISM. After a few lean seasons, Mr. APO has made the last two postseasons, and even came within one victory of a kkk Bowl III appearance (yet another person with every right to hate a certain peckerwood with a title involving a bunch of jumbled letters and numbers). However, he does seem like an angry black man fo’ sho’ here. And he sure misses those BK cheese sticks. Nevertheless, I’ll be secretly pulling for him should kkk Bowl V commence in ’07-’08. Well, it won’t be so secret now.
And now a word from the expert panel I've assembled to comment on the people I've listed.
From Cancer Marney:
3 p.m.
• Crap, I need to get going on this year's Brackkketology before it's too late. Might as well start with the "play-in" game -- does it really matter who wins this? I say Niagara will FALL to the other team. Get it? Niagara, Fall. Oh, I'm a regular laugh riot.
FIRST ROUND
Florida (1), Jackson State (16)
Arizona (8), Purdue (9)
Butler (5), Old Dominion (12) Will that loss to Wright State in Butler’s conference championship game be a wake-up call or an omen of things to come? I’m hoping for the former.
Maryland (4), Davidson (13)
Notre Dame (5), Winthrop (11)
Oregon (3), Miami of Ohio (14) Fuck Miami O – I hope they get crushed.
UNLV (7), Georgia Tech (10)
Wisconsin (2), Tex A&M CC (15)
Kansas (1) Whoever (16)
Kentucky (8), Villanova (9)
Virginia (5), Illinois (12) They were good a few years ago. Yeah, great logic picking them now.
Southern Illinois (4), Holy Cross (13)
Duke (6), VCU (11)
Pittsburgh (3), Wright State (14) Oh I am so tempted to pick WSU in this one, but I expect the Panthers to crap out in Round 2.
Indiana (7), Gonzaga (10) Please God let the Zags lose in the first round; I don’t want to hear another “OMG THEY’RE A CINDERELLA STORY” again.
UCLA (2), Weber State (15)
North Carolina (1), Eastern Kentucky (16)
Marquette (8), Michigan State (9)
Southern Cal (5), Arkansas (12)
Texas (4), New Mexico State (13)
Vanderbilt (6), George Washington (11)
Washington State (3), Oral Roberts (14)
Boston College (7), Texas Tech (10)
Georgetown (2), Belmont (15)
Ohio State (1), Central Conn. State (16)
BYU (8), Xavier (9)
Tennessee (5), Long Beach (12)
Virginia (4), Albany (13)
Louisville (6), Stanford (11)
Texas A&M (3), Penn (14)
Nevada (7), Creighton (10)
Memphis (2), North Texas (15)
SECOND ROUND
Florida (1), Purdue (9)
Maryland (4), Butler (5)
Oregon (3),Winthrop (11)
Wisconsin (2), Georgia Tech (10)
Kansas (1), Villanova (9)
Southern Illinois (4), Illinois (12)
Pitt (3), Duke (6)
UCLA (2), Indiana (7)[/b]
UNC (1), Marquette (8)
Texas (4), Southern Cal (5)
Washington State (3), George Washington (11)
Georgetown (2), Boston College
Ohio State (1), Xavier (9)
Virginia (4), Tennessee (5)
Texas A&M (3), Louisville (6)
Memphis (2), Creighton (10)
THIRD ROUND
Florida (1), Maryland (4)
Wisconsin (2), Oregon (3)
Kansas (1), Southern Illinois (4)
UCLA (2), Duke (6)
North Carolina (1), Texas (4)
Georgetown (2), George Washington (11)
Ohio State (1) Tennessee (5)
Memphis (2), Louisville (6)
FOURTH ROUND
Florida (1), Oregon (3)
Kansas (1), UCLA (2)
Georgetown (2), Texas (4)
Ohio State (1), Louisville (6)
FINAL FOUR
Florida (1), UCLA (2)
Ohio State (1), Texas (4)
FINAL TWO
Ohio State (1), Florida (1) Revenge for the BcS Bowl-thingy.
Jesus Christ, I barely picked any upsets. Well, I’m a pussy, so what do you expect? Now that my picks are out in the open, it’s time to guess what will really happen:
Notre Dame and Virginia Tech will reach the Final Four, that guy from Texas will blow out his knee in the first round, and Central Conn. State will be the first 16 seed ever to upset a number 1. Too bad I’ll forget what teams I picked by this time tomorrow.
9 a.m.
• Oh no, now the integrity of ... uh, movie boxing, will be FOREVER TAINTED!
So when Stallone was killing all those gooks in Rambo II he was CHEATING?! And lol at that Rocky IV scene where he was training the "old-fashioned" way (carrying heavy stuff and chopping wood) while his commie opponent was roiding up.
10 p.m.
• So I had some of O'Reily on tonight, and one segment was devoted to these high school bitches whining about getting suspended for reading from the "Vagina Monologues" -- something about how their snatch is a sail and their underwear is empowering. I wasn't paying that much attention and I really don't care about the story itself. What I found funny though was some feminazi defending them and saying that they were "young WOMEN." Uh, yeah, and if one of them would have dumped their newborn baby in a garbage can, you would be the same cunt to go on the Factor and say that she's just a young child and didn't know what she was doing or some other line of shit like that.
6:30 p.m.
• Yeah, we really need campaign-finance reform to stop money from mixing with politics.
Wait a second, is this Shuster related to the former Republican who was one of the kings of pork-barrel spending during his time and the name behind Pennsylvania’s Bud Shuster Highway? I can’t answer that question, but when trying to via Wikipedia, I came across this gem about Bud.
• And just to show that I’m not a totally cynical asshole, I pray these two guys are true to their word.
I’m against the concept of term limits, although knowing Fast Eddie will be hit with it in 2010 softens the blow a bit. However, I’m more against politicians getting perks and pensions. Being a politician is a public service and shouldn’t be a career, unless you’re looking to move to another position. (Example: Serve in the State House for a few terms, moving on to the State Senate, then ponder a governor or Congressional run.) Staying 30+ years in one position as a politician shouldn’t be rewarded with a golden parachute.
5:30 p.m.
• Time to play "Guess that headline."
Are talking about (a) election results or (b) physical violence.
Drum roll please. (Text is linked to the full article.)
• Public Enemy fans, help a brotha out. So I’m listening to “Fear of a Black Planet” for the first time in years, and I just had on “Incident at 66.6 FM.” Is Alan Colmes the radio host?
*5 minutes later and one Google search later.*
Ha, it is.
8:30 p.m.
• Just found out that the out-of-control niece-in-law has an STD -- lol. I don't know what it's called, but it involves warts, probably leads to cancer and is not going away. When the grandmother confronted her on this sometime today (they found out about this from some gynecology tests that showed "abnormalities"), I was told the niece replied, "It's not an STD. I got it from having multiple sexual partners." When the Web MD printout was shown to her stating that this was indeed a virus, she replied "thanks for ruining my afternoon."
6:30 p.m.
• So I'm at work with the Best of Sean Hannity playing in the background (that's a joke just waiting to be delivered) when he gets a caller talking about how some person got voted off from "American Idol" because she sang a song from the Dixie Terrorists. Oh, and Hannity agreed with him.
9:45 a.m.
• I didn't realized I had so many non-auto-setting clocks. Jesus Christ.
• Actually, I hope you'll be more like the RFK of 2008.
And don't forget to stop by the California primary.
Now FREEZE...
*hip-hop beat*
Music please.
Anyone that correctly guesses where those last three lines are from gets moved up an extra spot on the Top 103 list.
1:30 a.m.
• So Captain America bit the big one.
After reading this place's "Civil War" thread it sounds like he turned into a terrorist anyway, so I say good riddance. The only comic book characters I ever paid attention to (i.e. read more than two of their issues) were Batman, Sgt. Rock and the Punisher. Even though I probably missed out on 99.9 percent of the jokes, I found this funny nevertheless.
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 38: Stephen Joseph
I think he's known at the bottom part of the board for that cyber-wrestling stuff that scares me away. He's also known for SAVING THE BOARD at one time or another. He's also known for swing dancing and for his hatred of excess government spending. And he's also known for not liking Mikey Moore, but for liking television anchor babes for their looks and not for their ability to read from a teleprompter. I just wish I knew what he did for a living.
And now a word or three from the expert panel I've assembled to comment on the people I've listed.
From lovecraft:
From Cancer Marney:
From SFAJack:
11:45 p.m.
• How in the hell does Long John Silvers stay in business? I guess Lent season is their "Black Friday."
• On the way home from the wedding tonight, the better half got to listen to Rush's "2112" for the first time. After 15 minutes, the following words were exchanged:
Her: "Is this still the same song?"
Me: "Yes."
Her: "How long is this thing?"
Me: "20 minutes."
Her: "Why?"
Me: "Because they do things like this."
Her: "That's insane."
Me: "Think of it as four five-minute songs."
Her: "But it's still on track 1."
Me: "Go back to sleep."
• I hate this "spring forward" shit. I don't mind falling back an extra hour in the fall, but I think if we're going to move our clocks ahead one hour, it should take place at 2 p.m. on a Monday. Yeah.
3 p.m.
• I'm sure there's an EricMM joke to be made here, but I'm in a hurry so I'll leave it up to your imagination.
At least the Nazis made lampshades from recycled material.
• Well, I haven’t checked out what the NBA has been up to in a while. Might as well see who is where in the standings. Atlantic Division: Hey, there’s a team over .500, and it’s Toronto. The Knicks are only six games below the mediocre mark, and the Celtics … well, I knew they had a long losing streak, which is a shame because I liked their head coach Doc Rivers as a player – I haven’t followed his coaching career that close. Central Division: Detroit is tops in the conference. For that meltdown of theirs in the playoffs last year against Miami, and with Ben Wallace leaving for the Bulls, they are doing pretty darn well. Cleveland is the number two seed (in record); now will they go farther in the postseason this time?Chicago is doing pretty well, I guess. Southeast Division: Wasn’t Orlando in first place? Now it’s Washington? Doesn’t matter, Miami is starting to play well, even with Wade out. There’s Orlando … as the number 8 seed? And the Hawks aren’t in last place? Northwest Division: Utah is in first, has a 42-19 record and is seeded fourth in the Conference. Meanwhile, their .689 winning percentage is better than Detroit’s .627. Looks like that AI/Anthony combo isn’t doing so well. Eh, they have the seventh seed and probably weren’t going to go that far anyway in the West. I’ve been hearing how the Timberwolves have been wasting Kevin Garnett’s career, but considering he signed a $100+ million contract, I really don’t care. Portland and Seattle, eh. Pacific Division. Phoenix is doing good, as usual, and I hope they win it all, only because this might make more teams aim for a run ‘n gun style of play. I don’t think they’ll get past Dallas, though. There’s Kobe and the Lakers 14.5 games back followed by the Clippers – they did good last year and now they’re an eighth seed. Interesting. Well, not really, but you know what I mean. Pacific Division: Dallas is 51-9 – didn’t they lose their first four games of the season? Wow. San Antonio is having a great year and Houston is playing .600 ball. New Orleans and Memphis, eh.
• While I’m on the subject of basketball, I remember a while back Tracy McGrady made some remarks about how he wouldn’t feel comfortable in New Orleans should the NBA have an All-Star game there next year.
I remember the Around the Horn guys scolding T-Mac for this. Yeah, how dare McGrady say that New Orleans isn’t safe. I’m siding with McGrady on this one. I remember a while back he missed some important games because he was expecting the birth of his child. More power to him. I forget who it was, but at least one panelist said that McGrady should hire personal security guards and go to New Orleans. Fuck that. If he doesn’t want to go, then don’t go. Just … sprain your ankle a few days prior to the event.
• Well, it’s time to go to this wedding thing. Should be back Saturday night. I’m not sure if my friend’s family is somewhat normal or white trash like mine, so I doubt there will be any worthwhile stories to tell.
7:15 p.m.
• Yet another reason why men and women will never understand each other.
The better half and I are meeting up with two friends from Ohio this weekend. Having been part of many a botched planned outing in my life, I’ve learned to just go with the flow when dealing with events taking place out of state. Long story short. We are all traveling several hours to Columbus. I told my one friend that the first person to get to their hotel calls the other groups via cell phone. When everyone checks in to their rooms, we’ll meet at the nearby O’Charley’s. Of course, this has the better half all concerned that something is going to go wrong. She would rather have everyone meet in a particular place at a particular time, which of course means that during the trip to Columbus there will be a 30-car pile-up, making us late and having her freaking out over getting to some place late. But I digress.
A few weeks ago we bought wedding gifts. She insisted that we do this shit in advance, and of course I can’t remember what we bought. Anyway, a few days ago my friend asked if I wanted to go in with him on some wedding gift. When I told Mrs. kkk of this, she said, “You mean he hasn’t bought a gift yet?”
Me: “No.”
Her: “Why not?”
Me: “Because he’s a guy.”
A while back I remember this television commercial with this young couple getting each other cards for some occasion. The chick was in some hippie store going through every goddamn card on the shelf (and they indeed do this shit – trust me). The guy was at some Quickie Mart getting beer and just grabbed a card on display at the register. When they swapped cards at the end of the ad, the chick’s panties got all wet because of how sentimental her gentleman caller’s card was. Ugh. The only thing worse than shopping for cards is shopping for clothes. Well, actually, I’d have to say cards are worse because she can NEVER decide on one. Hell, for this wedding, she went to THREE DIFFERENT STORES for a card – a card that, I discovered, cost more than $5. Yeah, yeah yeah, Jew boy. But Jesus Christ, IT’S A CARD. The only reason I open any cards now is in hope that some money falls out. Shopping for clothes is annoying, too, but when I’m with the better half, it’s fun to let her know what I really think of the outfits she picks for herself. Fuck that, I’m not going to lie – if I don’t like something I’m going to say so. Surprisingly enough, she doesn’t get pissed off over this. But she does get psycho when, after looking at a card shelf for 20 minutes and asking me for my opinion of what card to get, I head over to the 99-cent section and grab one without even looking at it. Like I said before: IT’S A CARD and I’M A GUY.
10 a.m.
• Well, this was a fun day so far. Last night I was watching some History of the Barbarians show. For what reason I have no idea. Well, I fell asleep watching it and swallowed some spit or something. Because my head was at some kind of angle, it went down the wrong pipe or something and I woke up gagging. This has happened to me before and it FUCKING SUCKS. Not only do you gag, but you feel like you're going to throw up. Plus that aftertaste. Blech. I take some Pepto, and although it doesn't cure all the afflictions, that pink stuff tastes a lot better than pseudo-vomit. I then went to bed.
This morning I wake up and feel like shit. Not only do I have a fever, but my body is aching like a mo' fo'. Normally I would call off, but I didn't because 1) I'm going to an out-of-state wedding this weekend, meaning the buttload of work on my desk can't get done this Saturday and I don't know if I'd feel like driving in on Sunday to get it done. 2) I have some chick coming in for an asisstant interview, and I didn't want to stand her up. Well, I get into work and I find that this applicant left a message saying she wasn't coming in. Goddamnit. Oh well, at least I didn't have to waste time interviewing her only for her to decline our organization's offer when she gets the pathetic hourly wage being offered of which I have no control over.
1 p.m.
• I have joked in the past that a baby who survives a Planned Parenthood vacuum is a failed abortion. Wow, was I right.
You know, you could always put the kid up for adoption, you dumb bitch. And now that this has gone public, I can't wait until this kid heads off to school. The schoolyard teasing will be the stuff of legend. I wonder if she at least got her money back from this procedure?
9 a.m.
• This stuff just writes itself.
Maybe OJ's sperm would move quicker if a woman's egg was a bucket of fried ch... Nah, way too easy.
7 a.m.
• You know what sucks about being an adult (in age, if not in mind)? All those ... responsibilities. On Monday, the better half's father went to the hospital because he felt dizzy and was throwing up early that morning. He stayed overnight and yesterday Mrs. kkk and I paid him a visit. When we were there a doctor said that his tests came back fine (for an obese, 60-something smoker) and that he would be free to go. Of course, this meant we had to wait more than an hour for someone else to give him a piece of paper that would sign him out. After taking him home, it was time to do our Tuesday grocery shopping. When the last item was stocked in the fruit celler, it was 10 p.m. I then thought, "Yay, now I get to go back to work in eight hours." Oh well. It could be worse. I could have children.
• Oh boy, my local morning RIGHT-WING RADIO guy just said, "we'll talk more about the Scooter Libby trial in the next hour." Guess I'll be listening to music until Boortz comes on in 90 minutes.
1:15 p.m.
• Oh no, Scooter Libby has been busted for outing a covert CIA agent...
...or lying or somthing. That ought to show how much I paid attention to this story.
9:15 a.m.
• Get the hell out of here.
Massive heart attack? Well I wouldn't think it'd be a "small" heart attack.
6:30 p.m.
• So Ann Coulter said something wacky again, this time questioning the sexuality of the pretty boy, err, John Edwards. Apparently, being a bit on the prissy side qualifiies someone as being a "faggot." Odd, I would have questioned his pitching/catching status based on his wife.
I mean, when compared to Elizabeth Edwards, Arianna Huffington looks like a trophy wife.
• Scottie Pippen wants to play again in the NBA.
When it comes to athletes, I’m a pretty apathetic guy. I don’t generally despise pro athletes, but there are three I can’t stand. One is Barry Bonds. The other is Racist Dusty. The third is Pippen. Just so long as Pippen doesn’t have to play the final 1.8 seconds of a close game, I’m sure he’ll do well in Tinseltown.
2:30 p.m.
• Looks like the Pens might be headed to Kansas City. Ha.
I so can't wait until a new arena gets built and there's no hockey team to fill it up 40+ times per year.
• Here’s why I love Neal Boortz. Earlier on his show today he goofed on those “My child is an *insert school name* Honor Student.” He said the only thing that bumper sticker shows is that you have the audacity to put your kid in a government school. Awesome.
• I heard earlier today that some chick popped out a kid at the Quickie Mart I used to work at. Thank God I wasn’t there for that; childbirth assisting was never in any job description of mine.
4 p.m.
• One of the bigger surprises this NFL off-season, according to the “experts” at ESPN is the Steelers cutting linebacker Joey Porter.
I was a bit taken back by this, too, although for a different reason. I knew Porter wasn’t going to be a Steeler for long, but I thought he’d finish the final year of his contract with the Steelers not resigning him for the 2008-09 season. Oh well, a new coach arrived so that means clean house, which isn’t a bad idea. Take it from me. Anytime you get into a position of authority, the first thing you should do, if you have the chance, if fire your predecessor’s secretary/assistant/etc. The reason for this is that no matter what you try to do to change your job/department in order to make it more efficient or perform better, you will be fought tooth and nail because “that’s not the way *insert predecessor’s name* did it,” and if you have nutless upper management, you are going to be in a world of hurt. Porter was an emotional guy and I’m sure the potential for trouble was a thought for the new Steeler coach Mike Tomlin, so I don’t blame him for wanting the cleanest slate possible when taking over a team that has had two head coaches since the late 1960s.
9 p.m.
• Awww, they found a long-lost relative of the triceratops. I'm such a ceratopsian mark it's not even funny. And who's the perv that drew this? (Note the babies toward the bottom left.)
• And speaking of dinosaurs, anybody remember these?
Alrighty then.
3 p.m.
• Just saw the finale of that White Rapper show. Although I thought John Brown was better, I knew that other guy was going to win the final contest. You don’t step on stage at a club and bust some raps about fuel dependency and the Middle East. I laughed when the judges said the same thing. I love it when a person wins money on a reality show. It’s funny to see them think that winning $100,000 actually winning $100,000. Uh, buddy, you need to let Uncle Sam, the biggest pimp of them all, get his cut, too. I can’t wait to see how much is left over for this kid’s music career after he takes care of his parents and pays for his sister’s schooling.
• Well, I knew this time would be coming, and I was right. As mentioned previously at this place, I’m trying to pay off quite a mountain of credit card debt that the better half brought upon herself. A little less than a year ago I pretty much took over all the household finances and got ready to deal with the $20k in credit card bills that she brought onto herself over the years. By the end of this month I see three-quarters of this debt getting paid off. One problem I feared by taking over the finances was that after awhile Mrs. kkk would start spending money on unnecessary items. And I was right.
I mentioned a little while ago that she got me a recliner for our anniversary (despite the fact our anniversary isn’t until June). When I asked her how she was paying for this she said that she was paying it off with the $40 weekly stipend she gets for spending on whatever she wants. Fair enough. But over the last few days she has started buying other stupid shit, and last night I asked her where the money was coming from for these purchases. That didn’t go over well. Too bad. She countered by sleeping on the guest bed last night. I guess that is supposed to show me the error of my ways: I had to make do with sleeping by myself on a queen-sized bed rather than only half of the bed (and that’s not counting whenever the cats hop up with us and stake out their own territory). Gee, I hope she’s still not mad later tonight.
6:30 p.m.
• Wait a second, so a government school does nothing when several kids make fun of a Mormon student’s religion, but when she responds to them by saying, “that’s so gay” she's the one who gets in trouble?
Good God, I can’t imagine what would have happened to me and some of the shit I used to say. And this reason…
…doesn’t cut it. Sorry, but what the government school did was … well, gay. I miss the good ol' days when you could play "smear the queer," and it wouldn't be considered a hate crime.
• Speaking of gay, I saw PTI had the gay ex-NBA baler. Well, he probably still is a baller, but not the way he did back during his playing days. Anyway, it was funny to hear that interview only to hear this story later on in the show.
And many pro athletes are worried about teammates sporting boners in the shower room?
8 p.m.
• I'm shocked ... SHOCKED that Santorum wasn't brought on as a CNN or MSNBC or cBS analyst.
Oh dear God no.
Rick, you're my n*gga and all that, but please don't be the token Jesus freak candidate in the '08 GOP primary. I know you're all about the lord and stuff, but just talk on television a lot and get paid well for your services.
7 p.m.
• I don’t know why this story prompted me to think back to an incident dating back to my high school days. I think it has to do with the one person hiding in a garbage can.
It was a Friday night and I had six friends over: Don, Jeff, Bryce, Greg, Matt and Kurt. Nothing exciting was going on; we were just playing Joe Montana Football on the Genesis when suddenly a few of us got in the mood to play football outside. Myself, Don, Jeff, Bryce and Greg went out. Did I mention that it was 2 a.m.? We didn’t think this was a big deal. We were wrong.
As we were playing some two-on-two with Greg being the quarterback for both teams, about 10 minutes went by when we suddenly saw these bright lights coming right at us, most likely from an officer of the law. We did the most sensible thing we could at that moment – run back into the house. The five of us headed to the backdoor and thought if we just kept quiet the police car would just go on its merry way. Bryce, Don and Greg went upstairs while Jeff and I stayed in the basement/game room. Someone from upstairs then said, “kkk, there’s a police car parked in front of your house.” That was about the time when I noticed someone shining a flashlight through the back door. The cop then opens the door and walks in. Jeff suddenly puts his hands in the air and the officer is telling all of us to go upstairs. It was at that time when I got upstairs that I noticed Bryce trying to act like he was asleep the whole time. He still had his shoes and jean jacket on with a FOOTBALL tucked under his arm. He was also shaking from the cold (this was around October/November), and as we all gathered in the living room, he muttered to Don, “I’m asleep.” In a memory that will stay with me even when Alzheimer’s takes every other image, Don smacks him on the head and says, “Get the fuck up asshole.” Matt and Kurt, who didn’t go out with us, were just waking up from their slumber and had no idea what the hell was going on. Their reactions were amusing, to say the least.
As the officer began asking us what we were doing, it was actually refreshing to honestly answer “no” to the question, “Were you drinking?” When asked why we ran, I think the collective answer was something like, “Because we’re idiots.” The officer believed us and brought in another cop who was waiting for us on a nearby street in case we had taken off in that direction. As they left, the said something like, “Next time you want to play football at 2 in the morning, give us a call and we’ll show you how the game is played.” We spent the next hour or two laughing about this and considering some of the other dumbshit I used to do, this was a funny story. Because I was a latch-key kid, my mom really didn’t care what I did. However, her one rule was, “I better not have the cops show up.” So you can imagine my horror whenever those law enforcement walkie-talkers were blaring in living room while the matriarch of the house slept in her upstairs bedroom.
3 p.m.
• So Fast Eddie said on SORTA RIGHT-WING RADIO today that even though he wants to raise the state sales tax, he's not really raising taxes, since he will "offset" this with property tax reductions. The same reductions he's been talking about since getting elected to a first term. And you people voted him in ... TWICE! Oh well, I guess this is how liberals feel about W. Then again, he was only voted in ... ONCE!! Thank you, Karl Rove and near-blind Jew voters.
