I generally send any FWD’s that end up in my mailbox straight to the trash. However, whenever there’s some stupid test/survey/etc. I sometimes complete it just for shits and giggles. This one showed up in my inbox today.
Yay. Without further ado, here we go.
1. When do you feel your best?
a) in the morning
b) during the afternoon and early evening
c) late at night
Well, I used to be a night owl during my college days, but now that I wake up at 5 a.m. I must say that the early evening is when I shine.
You usually walk…
a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head down
e) very slowly
I’m six-foot so I have to go with long steps. I also generally walk faster than most.
3. When talking to people you…
a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair
Now that I think about it, I have to say that for some reason I tend to touch/rub my chin a lot.
4. When relaxing, you sit with…
a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) your legs stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled under you
I sometimes do the one leg curled thing if I’m fiddling with the home computer, but generally my legs are stretched out.
5. When something really amuses you, you react with...
a) big appreciated laugh
b) a laugh, but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile
Chuckle, mostly because something has to be really funny to get a laugh out of me. What is it that makes me laugh? Well, there's the handicapped...
6. When you go to a party or social gathering you…
a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed
I’m so a “look around and cling to a familiar face” person at these kind of events.
7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted...
a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely irritated
c) vary between these two extremes
Due to the limited choices I have to say it varies. I normally don’t mind, but I don’t “welcome” the interruption. One of my philosophies is try not to get annoyed at these instances because one day I’ll be the interrupter and wouldn’t want someone to get pissy over me asking them a quick question about something or other.
8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
a) Red or orange
b) Black
c) yellow or light blue
d) green
e) dark blue or purple
f) white
g) brown or gray
When I was a kid, it was red. As I got older it was dark blue. Now it’s black. I don’t know why.
9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are...
a) stretched out on your back
b) stretched out face down on your stomach
c) on your side, slightly curled
d) with your head on one arm
e) with your head under the covers
This is a routine I do often. I start out stretched on my back. I then do the head on one arm until the only thing on me that falls asleep is that particular limb. I then stretch out face down on my stomach before finally ending up on my left side, slightly curled.
10. You often dream that you are...
a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant
Other than that “Grudge” incident, I can’t recall a dream I’ve had in at least the past six months.
Well, that was it. After adding up the points each of my specific answers had, I was placed in the following category.
Well, this just proves something I’ve known for quite some time.
Dr. Phil is an idiot.
Most of the time I can’t stand the media, but I don’t know which is worse: national or local press. You’ve got the national media that never leaves their news offices in New York City or Washington, D.C., and thinks that anyone who doesn’t live in these two regions is in flyover country. Then again, you’ve got the other side of the coin with local media and the stupid stories that appear at roughly the same every year. On the commute home this afternoon I was listening to a local top-of-the-hour newscast, and one of the top stories was about people in the southwestern Pennsylvania area seeing the first snowflakes of the season. Christ almighty, these so-called reporters were even asking these people what the snowflakes looked like. They looked like snow you assholes. But this isn’t as bad as whenever the price of gasoline rises and these on-the-scene reporters ask people filling up their SUVs how they feel about the sudden jump in gas prices. What the fuck do you expect to get? “You know, I was thinking just the other day that I wasn’t paying enough for my 93 Premium.” Of course you’re going to get a bunch of nimrods going, “RAAAAR I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE RAAAAR!” Another favorite “story” is whenever the local cable company raises rates and the newscasters act like this is some breaking story. “OMG HOLD ON TO YOUR WALLETS CABLE PRICES ARE GOING UP BY 10 PERCENT!!” Christ, it’s only a few dollars; it’s not that big a deal, and if it is then your household has other problems and shouldn’t even be ordering cable in the first place. Put down the food stamps and use your cable money for something else.
Whenever I was in college, a similar event took place every spring when the cost of tuition for the next school year would increase. Yeah, like this ever came as a surprise; the real story would be if tuition went DOWN for one year. This reminds me of a story back during my school newspaper days when there was this announced tuition increase that also included another provision that basically eliminated subsidies for students who were not commuter students but didn’t live in the dorms. Basically these freeloaders were taking financial aid just for living in apartments in the city, but with the shitty dorms in the college I attended for two-and-a-half years who could blame any of these kids? Then again, with the school’s dorms always only one-half to three-fourths full, why should this college be giving money to students to live elsewhere? Shit, after I stopped to read what this new policy was, I actually gained a little bit of respect for the college’s administration for cutting off the moochers. Shit, the dorm vacancies were so bad our college was accepting students from the area’s one culinary school to live in the dorms. It was funny seeing these poor students, who would spend all day in hell’s kitchen, bitch to one another about having to go back into their stuffy, dilapidated dorm rooms. Well anyway, our school paper did an article about this new policy, which was basically a re-write of an article some real reporter in a real newspaper room wrote the week before. Of course, when it came time to write our newspaper’s editorial on the matter, it was funny to see the reaction some of our profs had when our opinion didn’t favor the students. I think part of our anti-student opinion stemmed from the fact most of us who wrote the piece were commuter students and didn’t give a fuck about some freeloader getting a subsidy to live away from the dorms when there was more than enough space for them to get their ass in one of these rooms. Hey, that’s part of that whole “college experience” I missed out on because I lived with mommy and worked 40+ hours per week.
...
Where the hell was I going with this?
• Before I get on with my NFL pickkks this week, what the hell is up with fast-food customers allegedly finding human body parts in their food? A year or so ago there was that infamous finger-in-the-chili incident at Wendy’s which turned out to be nothing more than a scam. Now there are allegations of a Subway in California selling finger foods.
• Seventh verse same as the first.
Carolina at Cincinnati (3.5)
Cincinnati lost last week at Tampa Bay, got whipped at home against New England a few weeks back. Carolina seems to win a lot on the road, so I’ll take the Panthers in this one.
Detroit at N.Y. Jets (3.5)
The Lions won their game for the season, and now it’s back to losing. Besides, Detroit’s baseball team lost Game 1 of the World Series last night, so the bad mojo will carry over to the Lions.
Green Bay at Miami (4.5)
Miami is favored? By four-and-a-half points? I have to pick the Packers.
(9.5) Jacksonville at Houston
Nine-and-a-half points is a bunch, but I’ll side with the Jags on this one.
(5.5) New England at Buffalo
Buffalo played the Pats tough earlier this season, but New England has been playing well as of late and the Bills have struggled as of late.
(5.5) Philadelphia at Tampa Bay
Will the Eagles lose two games in a row to the NFC South? Will the Buccaneers win two games in a row? I’ll take the first option.
(2.5) Pittsburgh at Atlanta
Mark Madden has predicted an easy Steelers win, and if Mark is taking the Steelers for the win that’s saying something.
(5.5) San Diego at Kansas City
This Chiefs got whopped last week, but now they’re playing at home against a divisional foe. I’ll still go with the Chargers nevertheless.
(5.5) Denver at Cleveland
The Broncos couldn’t cover the spread against the Raiders, but could that have been in part to Oakland being in the same division as Denver? I’ll say sure and take Denver.
(3.5) Arizona at Oakland
Talk about clash of the titans – and Vince Young is nowhere to be seen. I’ll say this about the NFL: when games match up two good teams the games are very very good, but when the match ups are with bad teams the games are horrid. Leinart played well enough Monday night against the Bears to beat the Raiders.
Minnesota at Seattle (7.5)
The Seahawks haven’t been playing as well without Shaun Alexander in the starting lineup, but they are playing at home. I think Seattle will win, but it will be close.
Washington at Indianapolis (9.5)
Will the Colts sleepwalk through this contest? I don’t know. I’ll take Washington, although I hope they snap out of their recent funk.
N.Y. Giants at Dallas (3.5)
Dallas has played well against the Hostons and Tennessees of the league, but how about the better teams? I’ll take New York and hope they don’t do a repeat of their stinker of a game up in Seattle earlier this season.
Holy cow that's a lot of road teams. No wonder I'm terrible at this.
Well today was fun. Like I said yesterday, I am dealing with a cold. It’s nothing major – just a 100-101 fever – but when you’re going into work for nine hours, it feels much worse. On the bright side of things, I was the only one in the building today. After I coughed on a few keyboards and licked several computer screens that belonged to my co-workers, I went about doing the job thing. That was at 11 a.m. Fast forward to 8:15 p.m. I did what I wanted to do. Got to pimp in my sweatpants, scratch the stubble on my unshaven face and listen to music that is normally inappropriate for the workplace. So far so good. Then I started the commute home.
My usual workday schedule is 6:30 a.m. – 3 p.m., and this is because most days I am able to avoid rush-hour traffic. Sure there can be some minor backups, but nothing like the way it is at 9 a.m. or 5 p.m. Normally it would only take me 45 minutes one way during a normal workday, but since the better half and I carpool this extended trip usually eats up another 15 minutes. No biggie. After all, we’re saving on gas, parking (Mrs. kkk would otherwise have to park in the city with one of the highest, if not the highest, parking tax in the country) and general wear and tear on two automobiles; seeing how one of our cars is an ’88 Corsica with 140,000+ miles, let’s just say that “Crappy the White Car” (what my 9-year-old nephew-in-law calls our secondary vehicle) has survived well past his normal expiration date. Now one of the plusses of working weekends is that there is virtually no traffic and I oftentimes can get to work in just 30 minutes on these special occasions.
I think you know where I’m going with this here entry.
I got into the car and started my journey home. The first leg of my commute went fine. I got on and off the Parkway West and headed onto the second leg of the trip, which is the Parkway East. Now if traffic is REALLY backed up on this disaster of a road, I am able to get off at a Shittsburgh exit, drive through the city and end up on Rt. 30, which is the final major road on my adventure home. Sure it takes a little longer, but it’s still more efficient than sitting in gridlock on this interstate highway. Well tonight, right after I passed this exit, which is like my “last chance stop” from taking the Parkway East I saw all those rear red lights.
Oh, fuck.
Whenever I run into gridlock I sometimes like to look at the clock and time how much time I spent in the traffic jam. The time was 8:23 p.m. As I sat in this traffic I began wondering what was going on: Was there an accident? Did some major social event just conclude? Wait a second, this is Shittsburgh. OK, where is the accident? As I took out “The History of the Clash, Disc 2” from the CD player I suddenly had the local RIGHT-WING RADIO station on, and there was a live broadcast of the Shitt v. Rutgers college football game. Christ, I forgot that this game was an evening contest. Wait a second, it was early in the fourth quarter and Pitt was driving for a touchdown; no way this traffic from that game. And there go two police cars with their lights on. SHIT! A few miles pass and still now sign of an accident. Hell, I don’t even see the flashing lights in the distance. I was hoping the accident took place at a merge point that’s right next to the Squirrel Hill Tunnels. I can pass the scene, view the carnage and shoot through the tunnels. I used to not look at accident scenes, but now I figure if I have to be stuck in traffic for an unspecified period of time then I get a free glance at what was delaying my ride home. Uh-oh. The yellow caution lights are flashing right before the tunnels, and there is still no accident, or flashing lights, in sight.
It is now 8:50 p.m. and I’m in the middle of tunnels. Oh please don’t let a car in front of me break down. You know what pisses me off about automobile accidents? You don’t know who to get pissed off at. In most accidents there’s usually an asshole that caused the accident and then the victim that has his or her car totaled. I’m not going to blame that person, but I so want to throw a piece of chewing gum at or give the middle finger to the NASCAR driver wanna-be who thought a two lane road was actually the Talageda Speedway. I think there should be a law that if you recklessly drive and cause an accident, then you owe everyone who was stuck in your mess a full tank of gasoline. Well I’m now out of the tunnels, and my greatest fear was revealed. The flashing lights are another mile or two down the road at this other exit that has a dangerous merge point. But a funny thing happened on my way to the flashing lights – there was no accident. Or at least there was no accident in view. But I did notice that the Swissvale exit, which is right before that aforementioned merge point, was experiencing a backup of monumental proportions. So there was no accident on the Parkway and the backup I’ve been experiencing for the 40+ minutes was because of this?! You got to be shitting me. Once I got past this exit there was NO TRAFFIC ON THE ROAD. Where the fuck did all these cars that were in front of me wind up going? You know, when you live near a shit-town one of the perks is that there shouldn’t be these kinds of traffic stoppages. Oh, and the Panthers lost. Was there any doubt? You can’t play the freakin’ Citadel every week.
Anyway, once I got off the Parkway it was 9:10 p.m. – my commute home so far has reached 55 minutes, and I still had to go onto Rt. 30. Who knows what excitement lurks here? Surprisingly, this leg of my trip wasn’t too bad. However, that was because I was mostly in the left-hand lane for the whole time. There’s this one stretch of road that for some reason cars just break down at, and this is not a good spot to break down. Now it’s dark out and the speed limit is 45 mph, which means most everyone is going at least 15 mph above that. I noticed the broken down car in the righ-hand lane, and then I noticed a car behind me swerving into the left lane to avoid it, almost hitting another vehicle in the process. And the best part was there were no flares. Nobody trying to warn other motorists. Just a car with blinking lights. I thanked my lucky stars I was leaving this soon-to-be accident scene. Oddly enough, a few miles down the road I saw a police car and ambulance speed by me going toward where that broken-down car was located.
I finally got home at 9:30 p.m. What was normally a 40-to-45-minute drive at this time of night took twice as long to complete. Oh well, at least I didn’t have to get off at that Swissvale exit. I'm still pondering whether to return to the office tomorrow. At least the Steelers are playing at Atlanta Sunday.
• Oh today has been a fun one. For starters, the better half has been sick the last few days, which of course means it’s my turn to get sick. I was expecting, and I received. Late last night my throat began getting sore, and this morning my voice was kaput. However, since this is a busy time at my job, I still got ready to go to work. Not only am I a trooper, but also I was hoping to infect the rest of the building – I’ll have to wait a week or so to see how successful Operation Spread the Germs turned out. But it only gets better from here. As I was driving to work on a dark, rainy road, I suddenly noticed this rather large truck (think those U-Hauls with $39.99/day painted on the side of them) that began to merge into my lane. It’s always nice to see your life flash before your eyes when a vehicle much larger than yours starts to make its way to the spot you’re currently occupying. Fortunately I slammed on the brakes and swerved out of the way. After laying on the horn for about a minute I wrote this asshole’s license plate down, called his employer after I got in to work and said some not-so-nice things. Then, in a weird twist of fate, I heard the following on my local RIGHT-WING RADIO station:
Wonderful. So maybe next time when I blast on my car's horn in hopes of not getting crushed to death, I'll know that the red diaper doper babies who allowed the blind/deaf/mute driver to control several tons' worth of vehicle made sure he or she wasn't a victim of employer discrimination.
• CNN aired footage of terrorist snipers trying to pick off American troops.
I guess I could ask why the CNN didn’t show, in order to bring to light the “unvarnished truth” about terrorists, Michael Berg’s beheading. I guess I could also ask why CNN, and the rest of the media, no longer show footage of airplanes going into the World Trade Center, or the video of people stuck in the Twin Towers jumping to their deaths. Fine. But now I’ll remind myself that CNN is the same cable news network that wouldn't show those Danish Mohammad cartoons.
• Well, at least there’s one front to the War on Terrorism that’s succeeding.
NBC is ready to cut.
Mercury News announces layoffs.
Inqurer, Daily News layoffs expected.
New York Times quarterly profit falls.
Even in these troubled times, it still pays to see the silver lining around a dark cloud. Courage, Medium-Large Media. Courage.
(1.5) Buffalo at Detroit. Correct.
Like I’ve said before, every team has to win at least one game per season, except for maybe the Raiders.
Carolina at Baltimore (3.5). Incorrect.
I should have known better that one little injury to a starter isn’t going to stop the Panthers. Well, unless that person injured is Steve Smith.
(6.5) Cincinnati at Tampa Bay. Incorrect.
Wow. Not only did the Bengals fail to cover, but they actually lost the game.
Houston at Dallas (13.5). Correct.
If the Cowboys just played teams from Texas, or teams that used to call the Lonestar State home, they’d be unstoppable. But then again, which team wouldn’t be?
N.Y. Giants at Atlanta (3.5). Correct.
I don’t even remember picking the Giants. While I’m on this subject, Tiki Barber recently announced that this may be his last year playing in the NFL. While I’ve heard many people on ESPN saying, “Noooooo, stay a few more years and you'll be a sure-fire Hall of Famer,” I say good for Tiki. I actually thought this would be the season where his skills plummet and his body breaks down from years of wear and tear. It looks like I’m probably wrong in guessing this was the year Barber crashes and burns, but being a running back in your early 30s usually means it’s time to see that light at the end of the tunnel. I’m sure Barber knows his own body better than any of us, and if he wants to go out on top of his game, then I say good for him. Let’s see him and someone like Jerome Bettis or Eddie George 30 years from now try to walk up a flight of steps and then decide who make the best choice regarding knowing when to leave the NFL playing field. Then again this could all be a big scam for him to get more money out of his contract. If that's the case, then fuck him. Nah, I can't hate a brotha for wanting to get paid.
(3.5) Philadelphia at New Orleans. Incorrect.
Nuts. The Eagles were prime for an upset, what with their big win against Dallas the week before. Oh well. The Saints earned this one. Goof for them.
(3.5) Seattle at St. Louis. Incorrect.
Shit. Seattle won, but didn’t cover. That’s a loss to me. Bastards.
Tennessee at Washington (10.5). Correct.
Damn, I was expecting this game to be close, but I didn’t Tennessee would win. Guess Washington is in more trouble that I originally thought.
Kansas City at Pittsburgh (6.5). Incorrect.
Ouch. This one hurt almost as much as that tackle Larry Johnson put on Troy Polamalu by throwing him down by the hair. And what was Johnson supposed to do – let Troy run in for the touchdown? If your hair is down to the point where it covers the name on the back of your jersey, then it’s fair game.
Miami at N.Y. Jets (2.5). Correct.
As every week passes, it’s more and more amazing to think that Miami was predicted to be a Super Bowl contender. Well, they could always win their last seven games. Again.
(10.5) San Diego at San Francisco. Correct.
It’s so much better being on the winning end of a lopsided game than having it be the other way.
Oakland at Denver (15.5). Incorrect.
Denver may have “lost,” but Oakland still keeps that perfect record in tact.
(11.5) Chicago at Arizona. Incorrect.
Talk about a meltdown. I turned on the television and saw the last play of the third quarter. (Or was it second-to-last? No matter.) Seeing Matt Leinart get sacked and the Chicago defense taking the fumbled ball in for a touchdown got me thinking that this game could be interesting to watch. I was right. Oakland may be the worst team out there, but the Cardinals are the most pathetic franchise in the NFL and one of the worst in all of sports. Then again, they got a new stadium and will make a buttload of cash, so who cares what the on-field product is like when you got a phat check coming in thanks to revenue sharing?
This week’s record: 6-7. Cumulative record: 40-47.
Hey, I’m only a touchdown’s worth of picks behind. The Bears made up more than that in the fourth quarter of their game Monday night, and I’m only headed into Week 7. Oh who am I kidding? This is only going to get worse.
• At least I now know how Al Keiper will be going out, and it will be in style. Wonder if the Phillies will win a World Series by the time his expiration date arrives?
• My question here is who would go to an event called the “Turkey Testicle Festival”? And if you go, I sure as hell wouldn't be eating any of the available food for sale. Then again, it couldn't be as bad as hot dogs.
Below is the article’s next paragraph. I’m willing to bet that one of the dozen cities the councilman mentions below is San Francisco.
• I hate to side with the commies on this one, but complaining about a bumper sticker titled “I’m tired of all the BUSHIT” and giving someone a fine for displaying this phrase on his or her car is stupid. Almost as stupid as the same person who gets fined then sues for PUNITIVE damages over the whole ordeal. (I think I've seen that sticker around the Shittsburgh area -- I know I've seen "Duck Fubya" and "Buck Fush" a few times. What offends me most about these stickers isn't the message but rather the lack of creativity. Then again this is a union town, so I don't expect much effort put forth into anything other than trying to find excuses not to work.)
• I don’t really give a shit about Bono. I don’t really give a shit about Bono wanting to save money. But when Bono lectures one country for not spending enough money on Africa, then moves his funds from that country to another one with a lower tax rate, I start giving a shit. Well, maybe “giving a shit” is too strong a word – how about finding the whole thing “post worthy”?
• I don’t really care about the political stuff in this article. It’s just when I read this I picture a bunch of Dungeons & Dragons enthusiasts fighting about how someone’s Level 15 thief failed a Save v. Poison roll while opening a treasure chest and died despite the wizard in the party casting a “Detect Traps” spell in the previous round. Then again, the fact I know what this shit means depresses me. Oh fuck it, I’ll embrace my D&D roots. I was always a fan of elves because they could use most weapons and cast spells. Two-handed weapons, if memory serves, were out of the question, but I never liked them anyway because they took too much time to swing.
• I was listening to Fox Sports Radio the other day and the hosts were talking about Jerry Porter now being suspended from the Oakland Raiders. One thing they said Porter was unhappy about dealt with the length of practices -- I think too much practice is the least of the Silver and Black’s problems. But this isn't just a week to rip on the Raiders when you have the Arizona Cardinals imploding in the fourth quarter of last night's game. I do feel bad for Neil Rackers though. He was the Bengals kicker when I lived in southwest Ohio. While going through a tough season, he had to put up with constant crap from idiot fans; I remember there was an incident at some restaurant when he was there with his wife/girlfriend and some dolts were bitching about the Bengals. Go ahead and boo all you want when an athlete is out on the field, but for Christ's sake leave them alone when they're trying to enjoy a meal or share an outing with their family out in public.
• I don’t hold humans in high regard, but kitties are another matter. This asshole needs a bullet in his head.
Uh, how about taking the kittens in, getting them checked out and putting them up for adoption, you faggot-ass piece of shit? Yeah, that would have been real hard; OMG you would have had to put the animals in a carrier and taken them to a vet. Sure it would have cost a few dollars, but he’s the principal of a government school – I’m sure he could have footed the bill. Hell, get the local media involved and this could have turned into a nice, heart-warming story of two kittens getting a second chance on life. Instead, this bastard unloaded two bullets and now he has me wishing for his slow and painful death.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura call of the day (or whenever I feel like doing this): This couple went camping for a few days and left the 17-year old daughter at home unattended. They asked her when they got back if she stayed home the entire time and she said no. She said she spent two nights at her boyfriend’s house. There is a disagreement with how to punish her, and the father says that he wants to be less harsh on her than his wife because the daughter “prides herself in being a virgin,” goes to church and plays sports.
While not the call of the day, this one call that got me saying, “I don’t think so, ho.” The chick had a kid with some guy who bolted the moment she announced that she was preggers. She married this other guy, and they also had a kid. The first baby’s daddy contacted this woman and said that he is more than willing to relinquish parental custody of the kid who he has never seen. When the caller asked her current husband if he would adopt the lovechild, he said no because he feared that if something ever happened to their relationship that he’d get saddled with paying child support for the kid that isn’t his. Hell, I don’t blame him one bit – although I’m sure he’ll end up paying support for the one kid that’s not his even if he doesn’t adopt.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 50 and 51: Darrylxlf/AndrewTS
Now I know what you’re thinking – why are these two grouped together? Let me explain. I’m pretty sure one of them lives Down Under while the other resides not too far from my residence. At least one of them is a rather conservative fellow, and at least one of them is a video game enthusiast. There’s just one problem. I can never remember which one is which, and I stopped trying to remember because it's a chore enough not to forget other things in life like "first pants then your shoes."
And now a word or two from the expert panel I've assembled to comment on the people I've listed.
From SFA Jack:
From EricMM:
• Wow. For all those years I was The Man, unaware or indifferent to the plight of minorities everywhere. While I sat with my fellow fat cats griping about the horrors of affirmative action and racial quotas, we all reveled in sticking it to the poor and downtrodden – and if they were dark-colored or had an unpronounceable name, bonus points were awarded. Well now the tables are turning. The United States is expected to welcome its 300 millionth citizen any day now, and the data suggest that this person will most likely be an immigrant. Probably a Mexican. It's only a matter of time before my people are eradicated from the landscape and my lily-white neighborhood will be overrun by Pedros and Rodriguezes. Why couldn’t things go back to the way they were when the tired/poor/hungry masses trying to get in were Jews?
• If being overrun by darkies wasn’t bad enough, now when I’ve finally gotten into God’s good graces by no longer living in sin, I’m in the minority of households thanks to this ring on my left hand. Well maybe if all those people wouldn’t be getting divorces we married folk wouldn’t be in the minority. And the worst thing about this is that when I tried to explain to the better half that we’d be social oddballs by getting hitched, she didn’t share my sentiments.
• In case you missed it this weekend, the University of Miami kept true to their thug image by brawling with some hippie team I’ve never heard of before. And the smack wasn’t just on the field.
Yeah. WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE. From Florida International. If you let Florida International to walk all over you, who’s next – Temple? Damn, I don’t follow college football and even I know the Owls are lousy. And for the record, I heard those comment by Thomas and was thoroughly entertained. Good job.
• Speaking of college football, the BcS standings just came out. Don’t care. College football is a fucking joke. One of the largest sports industries in this country and they don’t even bother with a playoff. You people don’t want a playoff system? That’s cool. But don’t turn around and then have these endless, stupid debates over who really is number one and who should really be ranked number two. Win your conference. Win your gay bowl game against someone from another conference and let it end there. And whenever you want to determine a true national champion, give me a call.
• I was fiddling around with Wikipedia last night and stumbled upon Coolio because I had “It Takes a Thief” playing at the time. Why, Coolio, WHY!?
In addition to owning “It Takes a Thief,” I also have “Gangsta’s Paradise” and “My Soul.” While “Thief” is by far my favorite of the three; I never really liked “Paradise,” the album or the song. “My Soul” was much better than I thought it would be. And even though he appeared on the “Comeback Show,” I’m sure it couldn’t have been as awful as that abortion of a made-for-TNT-movie dealing with sharks. Holy fuck was that a terrible piece of programming. I must do a mea culpa though because whenever I read that he was a Lazarus Demon in “Charmed” I actually remembered that episode. And then for some reason unbeknownst to me, I recalled him being in the “Daredevil” DIRECTOR’S CUT DVD playing an oppressed black man. (But, then again, aren’t they all?) Not sure if he was in the original theatrical version; I didn't see it but I vaguely remember hearing that he wasn't during some special feature on the DVD.
• I began playing Diablo II again after a long, long hiatus. I returned to my barbarian character and am killing lots of baddies. I just started Act V, and if I’m still interested in this game after passing the normal difficulty level I might give another character a whirl. That’s all I got.
• If you read the crap I type at this place for any length of time, chances are you know for the most part where my political loyalties reside. Well despite all the negative press surrounding the GOP, there's one weapon the Party of the Jackass can't counter: Karl Rove. Karl Rove is my hero. Karl Rove has super powers. Karl Rove can suppress votes from urban districts in a single bound. And now my confidence is running at a high that hasn't been seen in months, thanks to this article. Here's how the story starts off:
And just why is Karl Rove upbeat? A few paragraphs down we get the answer...
While this may seem like an unflattering description of Karl Rove's state of mind, you have to read in-between the lines. It helps if you're a Party Ideologue like me and have your Karl Rove Decoder Ring. Look closer:
The voting machines are going to be rigged. I love you, Karl Rove.
• Speaking of Karl Rove, is it any coincidence that right after the Mark Foley scandal, the original "Mark Foley," former Masshole congressman, and same-sex page boinker extraordinaire, Gary Studds just bit the big one? (Please note I'm talking about death and not about some well-endowed intern.) Anyone care to wager on who made the arrangements to off this guy? That's right. I love Karl Rove almost as much as I love Halliburton.
• There's a reason I don't read so-called humor columns. Because many times straight-news stories carry more hilarity than a month's worth of Dave Barry essays. I bet Karl Rove was behind this, too, just as a warning to this girl's parents as to how they should vote in the upcoming election.
My favorite part of the article; a quote from Ms. Wilson.
And what about the Secret Service people that grilled her?
I'm not dangerous. I mean, look at what icon is in my entry _ it's a . I'm a very peace-loving person.
• Oh, yeah. My NFL picks for this week.
(1.5) Buffalo at Detroit
I say the Tigers reaching the World Series will fire up the Lions and lead them to victory -- or at least a one-point loss.
Carolina at Baltimore (3.5)
I heard Dan Morgan is out for the year. I like Dan.
(6.5) Cincinnati at Tampa Bay
Cincy will take their aggressions out on the Bucs.
Houston at Dallas (13.5)
Dallas will take their aggressions out on the Texans, and T.O. will take his aggressions out on the Cowboys' receivers coach.
N.Y. Giants at Atlanta (3.5)
I'm hoping my support of the Va-giants will result in a loss for the boys in blue.
(3.5) Philadelphia at New Orleans
For some reason this game has "letdown after a big win" vibe to it, but I'll still go with the favored team.
(3.5) Seattle at St. Louis
The Seahawks have been at the top of the NFC West mountain for a while now; until they get de-throned, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt.
Tennessee at Washington (10.5)
The Titans lost by one point last week when the other team was favored by double digits. I am hoping this is the start of Tennessee losing a bunch of close games.
Kansas City at Pittsburgh (6.5)
Man, if the Steelers lose this week, I'm going to avoid all local sports talk for the rest of the regular season.
Miami at N.Y. Jets (2.5)
I find it funny that a pre-season Super Bowl contender now has the Jets being favored over them.
(10.5) San Diego at San Francisco
Another bad team Philip Rivers can fine-tune his skills with.
Oakland at Denver (15.5)
For the last few years, every time I thought Oakland might make a divisional game close I have been burned.
(11.5) Chicago at Arizona
Uh-oh. I have the Bears for this game. Something tells me their winning streak is in jeopardy.
Might as well get this over and done with.
Buffalo at Chicago (7.5). Incorrect.
It looks like the Bears were better and the Bills not as scrappy as I had once thought. I’m curious to see if Chicago can keep this good play going through the regular season and into the playoffs.
Cleveland at Carolina (8.5). Correct.
I knew the Browns weren’t going to win, but my theory of them scoring on their last drive to get within the 8.5 needed to secure a victory for me was correct. Congrats Romeo Crennel for going for the field goal late to cut the Panther lead to eight points instead of wasting four downs trying to get a touchdown.
Detroit at Minnesota (6.5). Incorrect.
Goddamnit. Everything was going according to plan until the Lions began playing like they were, well, the Lions.
Miami at New England (10.5). Incorrect.
Lost by half-a-point. Well, that evens out the Cleveland win I had earlier.
(3.5) St. Louis at Green Bay. Incorrect.
Lost by half-a-point. Well, that makes the Cleveland win I had earlier all but a distant memory.
Tampa Bay at New Orleans (6.5). Incorrect.
I’m surprised that back-up quarterback for Tampa Bay did as well as he did. Was that because he’s that good or the Saints defense is that unreliable?
Tennessee at Indianapolis (18.5). Correct.
Wow, I thought the Titans would lost by double digits, not by a single digit. Either way I look smart (at least for this game). For Indy’s sake, I hope the Colts are just on cruise control and not reeling from last year’s playoff loss and the departure of Edgerrin James. Actually, if I had to get rid of one of Indy’s “Big Three” (Manning, James or Harrison), it would have been James. I’m starting to wonder if this might be Indy’s year to go to the Super Bowl. Back in the 1994-1995 season, everyone thought the Steelers would be headed to the big game, but they got beat by a Chargers team in the Conference Championship game. The next year, with just a fraction of the hype, they made it only to lose to the Cowboys. I’m getting a similar vibe with the Colts this year that I had with the Steelers of the 1955-1996 season.
Washington at N.Y. Giants (4.5). Incorrect.
Any week Emily wins is a bad week.
(3.5) Kansas City at Arizona. Incorrect.
The Chiefs demolish the 49ers at home, squeak by the Cardinals on the road and Arizona defeated San Francisco several weeks ago. I guess that’s why they place the games. Christ, now I just made a Chris Berman remark.
N.Y. Jets at Jacksonville (7.5). Correct.
Nice to be with the winning team during a blowout contest.
Oakland at San Francisco (3.5). Incorrect.
This is like the “Cripple Fight” of the NFL.
Dallas at Philadelphia (2.5). Incorrect.
Even though Philly played a much better game, Dallas managed to stay in it until the very end. I heard later Owens was acting like, Owens. I heard some talk about how Drew Bledsoe can’t win the big game, which is interesting to me because I remember him coming in for an injured Tom Brady in an AFC Conference Championship game at Pittsburgh a few years back and played rather well.
Pittsburgh at San Diego (3.5). Incorrect.
I went to bed at halftime. When I turned on the local news the next morning, the top story was the loss and whether or not Big Ben should have been pulled during the game. Let the “Roethlisberger Sucks” talk begin.
Baltimore at Denver (4.5). Incorrect.
I was right about Baltimore losing. I was wrong about the point spread. Shit, and I thought I had the Broncos in this one, too. C’est la vie.
This week’s record: 3-11. Cumulative record: 34-40.
Ouch. But at least I still have a better winning percentage (.459) than the Raiders, along with 13 other teams in the league.
• I listen to Glenn Beck’s radio show every now and then from 10-11:30 a.m. in my market (about 2-3 times per week at the most). I guess I have to be in a certain mood for him; God knows what that mood is, though. Every Friday during the NFL season his show spends an hour doing this gimmick called “Moron Trivia.” What they do take a football game scheduled for that week (today it was Seattle at St. Louis), call several convenience store workers from both cities and ask them some current events questions. Whichever city gets the most correct answers from their clerks “wins” the contest, and more times than not what city’s team ends up winning the game. Basically, this is like those Jaywalking segments on “The Tonight Show” or that “Street Smarts” program. Did I mention that I hate these shows? Whenever these “let’s ask stupid people questions so we can all laugh at them” skits sprout up, I generally go “eh” and change the television channel or radio station. For some reason I was listening to “Moron Trivia” today, and one of the questions he asked these Quickie-Mart workers depressed me for some reason. The question was, “The stock market recently a) hit a record high, b) hit a record low, c) is another example of failure by the Bush administration or d) [something about John Kerry – I can’t remember what it was]. The convenience store clerks guessed that the stock market hit a record low. Now do you see why I don’t mind it when the mindless masses don’t bother voting? Seeing how most of these places have several newspapers that get stocked on a daily basis, I find it laughable that these people don’t even bother to read these publications; lord knows I did during my tenure at this job. (The other “Moron Trivia” questions for this segment was “What number month is October?” “North Korea recently launched what?” and “Who is Corey Lidle?”)
• Speaking of Corey Lidle, I got sick of hearing how he crashed his plane into a New York City building five minutes after hearing this story when it first broke. Yeah, it’s a shame and all that shit, but who gives a fuck if he played professional baseball? I guess if Joe Smith, an architect who recreationally flew planes, smashed into a building it wouldn't have been as big a deal. Talk about East Coast bias.
• Then again, maybe this is George Steinbrenner’s new way of dumping salary.
• Thanks to the mainstreamliberalpress, we are seeing Republicans get hammered for hitting on pages, accepting bribes and other types of bad stuff. Well, Medium-Large Media, where’s your outrage over this? We can’t have 61-year old men beating up people who oppose the grizzly practice of murdering the unborn and are, uh, dressed in cockroach costumes while at the ... Kansas State Fair. Man is election night going to suck this year.
• So Kathie Gifford is going to play Miss Hannigan in some hippie “Annie” musical. I’m sure there’s a sweatshop joke to be made somewhere in there, but it’s a Friday and I’m running on fumes.
• While kids in urban areas have to deal with drive-bys and life in the ghetto, their more rural counterparts have to deal with haircut rage. Uh, OK. How about if someone pisses you off you just stab them with the scissors instead of trying to take a little bit off the top?
• Wow. There are a bunch of gems in the latest batch of “odd” stories pile tonight. Last one, I promise. Although I have done a number of things to a customer's order during my days in the food-service industry, I have never peed in someone's soft drink. Now doing such a thing while off the clock? Well, um, I just hope the statue of limitations for that sort of thing has a short shelf life.
• You may remember me saying that I’m no fan of Christopher Shays. He’s a typical RINO whose only use is taking up space in the “R” section of the Congressional aisle. However, I have to give him props for saying the following, which got a laugh out of me.
I’m sure he’ll buckle and apologize for these remarks, but fuck that. And fuck Ted Kennedy.
• The Chicago White Sox got a sponsor for their weeknight game times for the 2007 season. Next year, all home contests will be at and sponsored by … 7-Eleven.
Call it corny. Call it a shameless way to make more money. Call it whatever. I call it brilliant. If I was getting paid seven figures (or whatever the deal is) to show up for work at a certain time, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
• I have mentioned before this program a local supermarket is doing in the Shittsburgh region. This store, Giant Eagle, is giving all shoppers with one of those “advantage cards” that many of these places have nowadays 10 cents off per gallon of gasoline for every $50 in groceries purchased. This program has been such a hit with consumers that another grocery store chain, Shop 'n Save, is copying this business plan and partnering up with Sunoco. That’s when you know you have a successful marketing idea; when your competitors don’t even attempt to hide the fact that they’re ripping off your promotion. Well anyway, when someone decides to “cash in” on this discounted fuel purchase they are allowed to pump up to 30 gallons of fuel. This apparently doesn’t suit one customer all that well because yesterday on a local RIGHT-WING RADIO show she was complaining that her car only holds 15 gallons of fuel and that other motorists who drive SUVs can fill up more with the discounted price. She then said it wasn't fair and that she should be allowed to fill up twice with her discounted price. Christ almighty I hate the human race.
• To complete my Quickie-Mart trifecta, I heard this local story about a convenience store employee who had shots fired into his place of employment the other night. Here’s the story. It was 2 a.m. in a not-so-nice part of Shittsburgh (yes, some areas are indeed worse than others) when these three guys entered and began complaining about the price of goods in this establishment. When the cashier told them that there’s nothing he can do, the customers began stealing stuff. This was when the clerk hit a device that locked the store’s doors, effectively trapping him in with two of the hoodlums. After some heated words the cashier unlocked the doors only after the customers put the stolen goods back. Shortly thereafter one of these upstanding citizens comes back into the store and fires off some shots – all caught on videotape. My question is why in the hell did the cashier lock these two thugs in the same building with him to begin with? Fuck that. If you don’t want people stealing from your store at 2 a.m. then don’t make your store open 24/7. There’s not way in hell I would even think about doing this sort of thing back when I was a cashier. If this shit happened to me, I’d just call the cops, who are usually nearby Quickie Marts anyway in the middle of the night – how many other places offer coffee and doughnuts at that time of night? With what cashiers make, there’s no way you should risk your safety because a bunch of idiots are lifting potato chips and soft drinks. The only time those doors should be locked like that is if one cashier is on duty and he or she has to be in the back room unloading and stocking recently arrived merchandise. Otherwise, leave that lock alone.
• Now this is rich. Mexico is threatening to take the U.S. in front of the United Nations if we decide to build a wall between our southern and their northern border. Talk about a threat; I’m about ready to shit my pants in fear. Why, I’m sure America will get at least four warnings by the U.N. before getting a really mean letter sent to the White House by the Secretary-General. Hey, Mexico, you don’t like us building a wall between our border with you? I have an idea – let’s implement the same immigration policies our friends to the south have for those who aren't Mexican-born that live in their country. Some highlights to what I linked above.
Seems only fair to me that we follow Mexico's lead on this issue.
• So it seems Randy Moss didn’t take to kindly to what Howie Long recently said about him.
Uh, Randy, this former Raider is a Super Bowl champion, multi-time Pro Bowler and member of the NFL Hall of Fame. Pick your battles more wisely.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura call of the day (or whenever I feel like doing this). This guy who has several young kids from a previous marriage got hitched with this chick. His wife said to him before the wedding that she had been molested as a kid but it was only until after they got married that she told him the molester was a family member. Seeing how the caller is bringing several small kids into her family, he asked her who was the pervert. She refuses to say who violated her childhood but she insists that “he’s gotten over it,” adding that he only molested two family members.
• One of the fun things about watching a movie you’ve already seen with someone who’s viewing it for the first time is listening to their guesses about how the film’s plot will unfold. A few nights ago the better half and I were watching “Saw.” While I had already seen this film several times already, this was her virgin excursion. Warning: SPOILERZ AHEAD. Toward the end where that orderly was being chased by Danny Glover’s character, Mrs. kkk began saying how there just had to be more than one person in on this conspiracy to put people in death contraptions. I just let her continue with her hypothesis of who the real killers were. When it was finally revealed that there was only one Jigsaw, and he was that patient in the hospital, without missing a beat she said, “I knew it had to be that old guy all along.” That old guy who was only shown on screen for about a second lying on a hospital bed? Uh-huh. In regards to the actual movie itself, I didn’t think “Saw” was that bad. It wasn’t as great as some people made it out to be, but it was nice for what it was. I haven’t seen the two sequels yet; “Saw II” is one of those films I’ll get around to one of these days, and I’m not even thinking about the third installment. Oh, and here’s a tip for all married guys – even when you are describing anyone of the opposite sex just to help your better half identify who this person is, don’t do it. Now I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but whenever the better half has asked me which celebrities do I think are attractive, I keep my mouth shut. However, last night I was off my A Game. Here’s the conversation that took place during “Saw’s” opening credits:
Learn from my mistakes. Lord knows I make enough of them.
• So it looks like Joe Torre is getting a stay of execution from George Steinbrenner. Whatever. I don’t care. Actually, I thought it’d be funny to have Lou Pinella come in and tear some shit up; it worked for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers when Tony Dungy got fired from that team and they brought in John Gruden. Now I’m a huge Dungy fan, but that team just couldn’t get to the next level. Tony took a historically terrible franchise and turned it around to where it was a playoff contender. However, whenever playoff time came, the Bucs just couldn’t get it done. When Gruden came in, he lit a fire just long enough to give Tampa Bay its first Super Bowl win. So even if Torre got fired this off-season in favor of Hothead Lou, I might not have agreed with the front-office decision, but I would have understood it.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura call of the day (or whenever I feel like doing this). This 19-year old girl says that she’s been seeing this guy off-and-on for three years and now she’s knocked up. Mr. Right says that he wants to see other people and has sex with other women before coming back home to have sex with her. When asked why she’s with this guy, the caller’s response is, “he said he loves me.” When the subject of getting that baby to an adoption agency comes up, the caller replies that she has “other ideas” because “my sister had one when she was 16.” Oh, and also because Mr. Right has told the caller that he wants to be there for the baby, too.
Before I even begin, the paternity test reference in today's entry title does NOT involve me (yet... ).
• A few entries ago I made my insta-predictions for this year’s MLB playoffs. Why has Al kkkeiper reprinted his predictions only for the division series match-ups? You’ll see.
You know, there’s a certain satisfaction with being so off target that you end up striking nearby spectators instead.
• While listening to RIGHT-WING RADIO today, there was a man-on-the-street type of deal during a top-of-the-hour newscast. A New Yorker was asked what he thought of North Korea’s alleged nuclear weapons test that took place this past weekend. And what was this genius’ comment? “It’s very disturbing. There should be treaties to stop this sort of thing.” AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I think what pisses me off the most about idiots like this is that their vote counts just the same as mine. Then again, I'm sure clueless commies think the same about me and my voting power.
• I have no idea who this chick is, but I like her. Apparently she achieved fame because she's hot and her boyfriend/husband (or whatever the hell he was) Jude Law was banging their ugly nanny or something. Nevertheless, I’m now her newest fan.
• While looking for the above article, I stumbled across this one that fired me up. Sure the kid’s not yours, but you still gotta pay. And who says that red diaper doper baby judges don’t have too much power?
• You know it’s Monopoly time at McDonalds. How? Because rednecks from nearby counties and their out-of-state friends are thinking up ways to win the grand prize without having to gain 100 lbs from eating all those greasy burgers and sugar-laden soft drinks.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura call of the day (or whenever I feel like doing this). This lady has a sister who wants the two of them to go into business together. The caller's sister wants to start up an ice cream parlor business, but the caller has some reservations about doing so. Why? Because the sister has been caught in the past stealing from a church she used to work at. How much money did she swipe? $116,000 during a two-year period. What did the sister use the money for? Gambling.
Here we go for my Week 5 pickkks:
Buffalo at Chicago (7.5)
After their thrashing of the Seahawks, many have now labeled the Bears as the NFL’s team to beat. With that distinction now given to the Monsters of the Midway, I’m taking Buffalo.
Cleveland at Carolina (8.5)
I’m trying to decide which Cleveland Browns team will show up. Will it be the one that snatched victory from the jaws of defeat at Oakland, or the one that snatched defeat from the jaws of victory versus Baltimore? Well, they lose by a touchdown or less in this contest, so I’ll side with snatching defeat from the jaws of a really bad defeat.
Detroit at Minnesota (6.5)
Minnesota will probably win, but can Detroit keep it close? I didn’t hear any Roy Williams guarantee anything this week, so I’ll hope for a close Vikings win or Detroit upset. I also want to see if my theory of “even bad teams have to win sometime” gets proven true in this case.
Miami at New England (10.5)
That’s an awfully big spread, but if I was on the Patriots team, I’d want to beat down the Dolphins as bad as I could, considering many predicted them to be AFC East champs this year.
(3.5) St. Louis at Green Bay
Oh what the hey, I’ll take the Rams in this one.
Tampa Bay at New Orleans (6.5)
I think the Saints will win this game, but will it by six-and-a-half points? The Bucs’ starting quarterback is out, and Gruden does have a complicated offense. I’ll take the Saints on this one.
Tennessee at Indianapolis (18.5)
Eighteen-and-a-half points? Christ. I don’t know what’s funnier: that a point spread is that high for an NFL game, or that I’m still considering taking Indianapolis? I don’t this will be an “upset special,” but I’ll take the Titans. Actually, I’m taking that point spread; I have no faith in Tennessee to win.
Washington at N.Y. Giants (4.5)
I don’t know which way to go in this one – take the team with an extra week to prepare, or go with the team who is coming off an emotional victory? Although there may be a “letdown” effect, I’ll take the Redskins because the Giants are favored.
(3.5) Kansas City at Arizona
The last time the Chiefs played a crappy NFC West team, I thought the 49ers would make a game out of it. They didn’t. I don’t have that same faith in the Cardinals, even though they’re playing in that ultra-fancy new stadium.
N.Y. Jets at Jacksonville (7.5)
I don’t know which way to go in this game. Normally I’d go with Jacksonville, but that point spread has me thinking J-E-T-S. Well, the Jets lost by three at home to Indianapolis last week, I’ll go with them this week to lose by less than a touchdown. But wait a second. Coles is hurt, and Pennington will probably get hurt. I'm calling an audible on this one.
Oakland at San Francisco (3.5)
A real Game of the Week contender if ever there was one. I’ll take the Raiders just because the 49ers are favored.
Dallas at Philadelphia (2.5)
Did you all know T.O. is coming back to Philly this week? If anything, it’ll be amusing to see the Eagles fans react to Owens. I’ll take the Cowboys in this one, if only to see what Owens does after he scores a touchdown or two.
Pittsburgh at San Diego (3.5)
I’m curious to see how the Steelers rebound after losing two consecutive games. I don’t think they’ll win, but they could. Plus the Chargers are giving up three-and-a-half points.
Baltimore at Denver (4.5)
If this were a straight-up pick ‘em contest I’d take Denver. Because of the point spread, I’ll side with Baltimore, even though I think this is the week where they get one in the loss column.
One of the things that really sucks about being an adult is your “days off” and “vacations” aren’t quite the same as they were when you were a kid. I had Thursday and Friday of this week off from work, and what did I do? On Thursday, I spent the afternoon doing yard work, and on Friday I spent most of the day cleaning the house. No goofing around; no playing video games (much); no going over to a friend’s house (provided I had any) to goof around and play video games. Nothing. And it only got worse today because for our neighborhood had a garage sale and the better half decided we needed to unload some of our junk onto willing buyers. My experiences with these kinds of sales are limited; back in the day I went to this local flea market a few times to buy sports cards and crappy baseball hats, and that’s about the extent of my flea market/garage sale expertise. Mrs. kkk had agreed to take part of this event and spent all week pricing our junk. Most of the stuff we that were going to pimp were leftover wedding materials (centerpieces, candles, etc.) from our wedding, but she also rummaged through some other trinkets that have been tossed aside. Still sore from two days’ worth of work around the house, I was woken up at 7 this morning and told to get ready for six hours’ of selling. Yippie. After getting a shower, I trudged out to our driveway, where the better half already had our several tables of crap on display. As I stood out there in the brisk autumn air, I thought to myself who seriously stops by these places to engage in this sort of commerce?
As it turned out, quite a bit more people than I had initially thought.
After 10 minutes, people started arriving on our street looking at all the stuff we had deemed worthy for purchase. All in all, it was a successful day – the better half got more than $105 for our crap, but the transaction I will forever remember revolved around a $1 sale involving a VHS tape. We had about a dozen or so VHS tapes out on display; because we had each of these movies on DVD, we figured this might be a good opportunity to unload these tapes. This old guy stopped by and was looking through our titles. And what did he eventually select? Did he select the awesomeness that is one of the three Indiana Jones films? No. Was it "Enemy of the State," a movie I was so-so about, but I’ve heard good reviews from other people I know? Nope. Was it "G.I. Jane," a film that I thought would be a feminazi piece of shit but actually turned out way better than I had expected? Na-ah. What movie did this guy, after reading the back cover of its box, finally decide upon?
(keep scrolling)
Remember how I said our VHS collection had been upgraded to DVD? Well, I lied. One movie didn’t make the cut, and this was it. Years ago I bought "I Got the Hook Up" because I wanted to see how awful a Master P-produced film could be, and not awful in the “Killer Klowns From Outer Space” awful where “awful” is actually “good.” I’m talking “awful” in “how the fuck did this ever get created?” I think the worst thing about the old guy purchasing this from us is that he’s soon going to watch this piece of shit, remember where it was that he bought it and try to get even by setting our house on fire. I’m praying he got this VHS as a gag or as a gift to his wigger grandson who is kicking it g-style in the heart of suburbia. Another sad facet of this story is that shortly after this old guy left with his prize, these kids came by and bought all of our VHS taps; one of them even pointed out to his one friend that “Don’t be a Menace to South Central while Drinking your Juice in the Hood” was a great movie. At least with this customer I would have known that “I got the Hook up” would have gone to a loving home not to be thrown into the trash after just 10 minutes of viewing.
• Well yesterday was a bit of a bummer. I spent more than four hours mowing a lawn I had slacked off on for some time, and the grass was too thick to be picked up by my hippie mower. In order not to have huge clumps of foliage scattered throughout my property I had to rake these clippings and manually bag them. Four-plus hours and seven trash bags later, I was finally done. As I was finishing up, my neighbor’s son was doing some yard work for his parents. (You might remember me talking about my neighbor and his policy toward groundhogs.) I asked him how his father was doing because I hadn’t seen him out for a while and I was wondering if he was OK. Turns out he passed away two weeks ago. Ouch. He had been suffering from anemia and it turned into full-blown leukemia; he was taken to the hospital on a Sunday and passed away on a Thursday. This got me the thinking on how I would like to go out – is it better to just get hit with death all of a sudden, or take that extra time and suffer? Would enduring the extra pain be worth it for reflecting one final time on your life? I don’t know the answer to this one, although I’d probably opt for Decision A. When I told the better half what happened to our neighbor later that day, she began to freak out because we didn’t attend his funeral or offer our condolences – I reasoned that as they were rushing him off to the hospital I doubted that “informing the neighbors” was on that family’s list of things to do. Either way, it’s a shame he died. The last time I spoke with him was the previous time I mowed the lawn. I was using a wheelbarrow to haul some stuff out of our shed to the curb for garbage pick-up and we chatted for a few minutes. I don’t remember exactly what we talked about (I do recall making fun of the Pirates though), but I remember him saying something about how if you get a group of women together they’ll gossip about an anthill until it turns into a mountain. RIP Steve – once your wife passes on and your son sells the house, I shudder to think who will be moving in next to us. On the bright side, his son lives next to his parents' house, so the chances of getting somewhat normal neighbors would be good.
• The Penguins kicked off their NHL season last night with a 4-0 victory over the Philadelphia Flyers. What made the evening interesting was a press conference in-between the first two periods with the Pens new owner, Jim Balsillie. I know nothing of this guy, and according to the Penguins Web site he is co-CEO of a company that makes those Blackberry things. While witnessing his press conference, it was amusing to note the number of times he mentioned that the Mellon Arena, which is where the Pens call home, is nearly 50 years old (I counted about a half-dozen references). He also noted that the NHL has stressed, not him, that it is imperative that the Penguins get a new arena; I’m not sure if he’s going to move the team, but if Shittsburgh drags its feet any longer on this arena issue, I wouldn’t blame Balsillie for heading out to Kansas City, Portland, Seattle, or any other city that will give him a better deal. It’s a shame in a way because this town bent over backwards (and the taxpayers bent over forwards) to give new stadiums to the Pirates and Steelers back in the late 1990s. A new arena would make more business sense, in my opinion, because it would be used much more than a football stadium, and unlike PNC Park, since it’s an enclosed structure, an arena is more suitable for year-round use (there are currently 28 events scheduled from October 6 through the end of the year and 51 events scheduled through April 7 of 2007). But then again the Penguins have always been the red-haired stepchild of this region, so why should I be surprised there isn't the same public/media outcry about the need for building a new arena as there was when the Pirates threatened to take their ball and leave?
• I normally don’t remember my dreams, and the ones that I do recall I don’t dare to mention for fear of the better half ever finding out about them. However, since I’m typing this in the early morning, I still have the events of last night freshly lodged in my memory. Every Thursday we change the litter boxes for our three cats – Dessa, JJ and Max. We have four of them scattered throughout the house. One is in the basement, two are in “their” room on the first floor and one is in the upstairs computer room. The two in “their” room are the ones that get the most use, so they get changed every Thursday; the other two get changed every few weeks. This week is my turn to change the litter boxes, and this is what I was doing in my dream. The problem was that the kid from those Grudge and Ju-On movies was running around me as I was trying to complete this task. When I was getting the litter ready to be taken out to the outside curb, I finally yelled to this kid, “Will you get the fuck out of my way?!” He did, and I was waiting for that crawling chick to come down the steps and make that goofy noise she does while sucking the life force out of a person. To my benefit she didn’t show up, but then I woke up with a parched throat and realized that I still had to change the litter boxes in the real world before the garbage truck makes its rounds. Sonofabitch.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 52: The Max
This guy had a fling with another poster at this place, and from what I remember she was going to move to his region of the country and live happily ever after. Well, I don’t know what happened to happily ever after, but I’m sure that relationship wasn’t as messy as the aftermath of Hurricane Chuck. Also, he’s more than accommodating when you’re asking questions about NHL ’06.
• I heard on the radio the other day that with the NHL regular season starting up, the Penguins will have three teenagers on the ice for the first time in franchise history. In other news, former congressman Mark Foley is seeing if he's got any shot at a political office in Allegheny County. While I’m on this subject, now Foley says a clergyman molested him as a teen. Uh-huh. Oh, by the way...
OMG FAUX NEWS LOL2006!
• It’s not just congressmen who are using the “I was molested as a kid” excuse. Now this guy who killed those Amish kids said he was molested 20 years ago and that he was feeling the urge to fondle children again. I guess that’s why you brought sex toys with you into the school. Asshole. Why pick on the Amish? They are probably the most harmless people on the face of this earth. You can make fun of them, and how are they going to know? It’s not like they’re going to find out by television, radio or the Internet, and even if word should get out to them they’ll just forgive you anyway. If you want to kill Catholics because Father John touched your privates 30 years ago, or if you want to pick off some Jews because, well, they’re Jews, I’m sure there's a more-than-capable defense lawyer out there who would be able to spin your rough childhood to at least 2-3 members of a jury educated through a government school, but this is the freakin’ Amish. They ride around in horse-drawn buggies. How can you hate that? (Unless of course you are late for work and they are in front of you on a one-lane road.)
• So the U.S. is saying there is “no future” for a nuclear North Korea. Like there’s any kind of future for a non-nuclear North Korea.
• I didn't watch the Tigers/Yankees Game 2, but this is all I needed to know. Ugh.
• Man, if we ever did this in the United States, the National Debt could get wiped out in less than a year.
I’m almost afraid to see what teams I picked this week after seeing some scores that came out of my kkk Bowl IV contest, but nevertheless on with the show.
Arizona at Atlanta. Correct.
I was sweating a bit when that Cardinals defender returned an interception 99 yards for a touchdown, but then Atlanta scored a whole bunch of points to put me at ease.
Dallas at Tennessee. Correct.
I had hoped Dallas would cover the spread, but I didn’t expect this to be a BUTT-kicking. And regarding Albert Haynesworth, that guy who kicked the Cowboys lineman in the head, I’m still not sure how I feel about his punishment. I think one reason I’m not ready to ban him for life is that there were no permanent injuries resulting from his stupid actions. In addition, the guy did seem repentant afterward. If this had happened in Major League Baseball, the suspension wouldn’t take place until after his 20th appeal was exhausted. As long as Haynesworth admits his mistake, takes his punishment with his mouth shut and stays on the straight-and-narrow, I’m sure many fans will forgive him. (Whether or not the guy who saw his cleats close-up will is another story, and who can blame him if he never forgives Haynesworth?) I heard on the radio today that Haynesworth has had previous anger management issues, and if that’s the case I hope for his sake this is the wake-up call that straightens himself out.
Indianapolis at N.Y. Jets. Incorrect.
Even though I don’t agree with that fourth-down play to try and score a touchdown instead of kicking a field goal to take a three-point lead on the Colts, I have to give the Jets props – they’re playing a lot better than I thought they would this year.
Miami at Houston. Correct.
I felt this could be a close game/upset, and I was right. Even teams like the Texans have to win one or two games every season.
Minnesota at Buffalo. Incorrect.
I also felt this could be a close game/upset, and I was wrong. Bummer. At least the game was close.
New Orleans at Carolina. Correct.
The Saints may have lost the battle, but they won the point-spread war. And in the end that’s all that really matters to me.
San Diego at Baltimore. Correct.
I’m going to be interested to see how the Steelers play against the Chargers this week. It’s still weird seeing Steve McNair in a Ravens uniform.
San Francisco at Kansas City. Incorrect.
Boy was I off the mark on this one. At least the 49ers kept within the 10-point spread until the opening kickoff.
Detroit at St. Louis. Correct.
Four weeks in and I still have no read on the Rams. On the other hand, even a high-school aged Mike Singletary can get a read on what kind of team the Lions are going to be this year.
Cleveland at Oakland. Incorrect.
Missed this prediction by half-a-stinking point. God do the Raiders suck. At least Cleveland has this lovable “yeah we lose but we try … sometimes” aura to them. The Raiders have no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
Jacksonville at Washington. Incorrect.
The hell? I think the Jaguars gave up more points in this game than they have all year. Well, OK, so I’m off by 2 – they still should have won that game, along with covering the spread.
New England at Cincinnati. Incorrect.
Whoops. I’m not sure if New England is that good or if Cincinnati stunk up the joint that much. Say what you will about New England’s business practices, but they win more times than they lose.
Seattle at Chicago. Incorrect.
I was correct in assuming this would be a lopsided game. I was incorrect in predicting which team would show up to play and which one didn’t.
Green Bay at Philadelphia. Correct.
I thought this would be another wrong selection when I went to bed at halftime. The next morning I did a double-take when I saw the final score of this 31-9 contest.
Record this week: 7-7. Cumulative Record: 31-29.
Well, at least I’m not sub-.500 … yet.
Who needs the pseudo-experts at this place with their fancy smancy win-share totals and minor-league reports when you've got Al kkkeiper here to give you the hook-up. Here's some baseball stuff that popped into my head in the last hour or so. You've been warned.
• The Houston Astros had a chance to get into the postseason, thanks to a late-season surge up the N.L. Central. They came up short in the last weekend of play, which made me curious as to how many one-run games they lost this year. I looked over their regular-season schedule and at a glance I counted 21. Zoinks. Ah hell, I might as well see how many one-run games the Astros won – 25. So that means they were 25-21 in one-run games. Um, well, they should have won some more. But how did St. Louis do in one-run games? Ah, hell. They were 22-27. Whatever, I’m not deleting all this exhaustive research I’ve conducted just because it makes no sense to my original point.
• Bye Racist Dusty. Perhaps you should go to a team that plays in warmer weather, such as Florida or Arizona. This way you can better utilize your black and Hispanic ballplayers.
• Now there’s talk about Roger Clemens taking naughty drugs. Don’t care. Like I said before, this who era in baseball is roided up, and let the accusations fly. I’m a Clemens fan, but Major League Baseball brought all of this upon itself.
• Ryan Howard for MVP. I don’t know who’s in contention for any of the other awards.
• Yesterday the Pirates played their final game for the 2006 season. Now I could make yet another joke about how this team sucks, but instead I’m going to give props to Freddy Sanchez for winning the N.L. batting title. From what I’ve seen of Freddy he played hard this season, which is amazing considering he had no reason to considering the team he was on. For God's sake the fans were popping wood because the team finished with a winning record for the first time ever at PNC Park; now that’s some high standards there. One thing that did surprise me is that the Pirates have had 25 batting titles, which is the most of any team. I watched the final three outs of Sunday’s 1-0 victory against the Reds, and it was nice to see Sanchez get the props he deserves, especially considering he didn’t get an opportunity to start until May. But enough of talking about this crap; let’s move onto real baseball teams that are still playing.
• I really don’t have a “favorite” baseball team. There are certain players I like, but in regards to actual franchises I’m indifferent to most of them. If you put a gun to my head and forced me to pick a team, I’d probably go with the St. Louis Cardinals – I don’t know why, I just like how that team is run. Whenever the MLB postseason starts up, I’ll pick a team or two and pull for them to win. It’s not big deal if they lose, and if they win I’ll say “yay” and move on with my life. The only exception to this rule is when there’s a team I don’t want to win, such as when Racist Dusty almost lead his Cubs to the 2003 World Series, or when Barry Bonds finally made it to the Fall Classic. I’ve only done this mini-bandwagon thing for a few years, and my track record has been OK. In 2001 I was pulling the Arizona Diamondbacks because I like Curt Schilling and wanted to see him get a championship. Plus I also felt bad for that Asian pitcher who gave up back-to-back game-ending home runs. In 2002 I was rooting for the Anaheim Angles, especially when they faced off against the San Francisco Giants in the World Series. Nothing brought me greater joy that year than seeing Racist Dusty’s brat cry after the Giants lost Game 7. I went with the Florida Marlins in 2003, mostly because they managed to beat Racist Dusty. In 2004 I didn’t want to see the Red Sox win it all because there was nothing more entertaining in sports talk radio than to year Boston fans dejected at their team falling short yet again, but c'est la vie. Last year was pretty much a wash because I didn’t care who won – the White Sox or Astros.
This year is pretty much a repeat of 2005. I don’t know much about any of the teams (as if I ever do), but if I have to pick a team I would probably go with the Yankees. Yeah, the EVIL EMPIRE. I think my main reason for wanting them to win is because I want Alex Rodriguez to win a championship and shut up all the A-Rod haters. Who will win this year? I dunno. The weird thing about the MLB playoffs is that five-game first-round. You could play a grueling 162-game schedule, and in just three games all that blood, sweat and tears will get flushed down the toilet. Then again, a seven-game series can end in as quickly as four games but oh well.
Without further ado, here is my playoff tree as to how I think this postseason will play out. Take this information, do the opposite of what I write and call your bookie.
NL PLAYOFFS:
St. Louis vs. San Diego. These two played last year in the first round, and the Cardinals handedly won. The Cards haven’t been playing well, and I’ll say the Padres will win in four.
Los Angeles vs. New York. The Mets haven’t played a meaningful game in months and have been without the services of Pedro Martinez for just as long. I seem to remember the Dodgers being on several hot and cold streaks this year. Oh what the hell – Dodgers in five.
Los Angeles vs. San Diego. When I was a kid I liked both the Dodgers and the Padres. I followed Los Angeles due to Fernando Valenzuela and because there was an old Mr. Ed episode that guest-starred several old-school Dodgers. Tony Gwynn is one of my all-time favorite players, so that explains my Padre love. Because the wild card teams have a legit shot at reaching the World Series, I’ll say Dodgers in four.
AL PLAYOFFS:
Oakland vs Minnesota. I have no clue who is on the A’s roster other than that Zito hippie and Jason Kendall (he is still there, right?). They never make it out of the first round, so I’ll go with Minnesota in five.
Detroit vs New York. Although my insisting the Tigers were “for real” is what probably led to their late-season collapse, I wasn’t intentionally trying to ruin this team. I always liked Jim Leyland, but I think the Tigers are going to be one of those “Boy we’re sure happy to be here” stories, so I’ll say New York sweeps the series.
Minnesota vs. New York. Small market vs. Big market. David vs. Goliath. Fuck that shit – I’m going with the owner who didn’t want to contract his team. Yankees in five.
WORLD SERIES:
Los Angeles vs. New York. Right. Like these two teams I picked are going to be around at this point – both will probably get swept in the first round. Nevertheless, Yankees in five.
• A few days ago I was ragging on Shittsburgh’s Port Authority because they were, once again, whining about how they would have to raise fares if they didn’t get more tax money to keep their inefficient public transportation system chugging along. In that same entry, I also goofed on how the Allegheny County Council wanted to pass a public smoking ban. Well, as I was driving through this pristine city on the way to pick up the better half from her job, I realized that I probably inhale more exhaust from these busses in a day than I inhale from second-hand smoke in a year. Should a tumor ever develop in my lung, I wonder if I could sue the Port Authority for having their pollution-spewing vehicles closer than 15 feet in front of me? (This proposed countywide smoking ban would prohibit anyone from smoking within 15 feet of businesses.) Hell, since these busses spit out more toxic emissions than my car, I feel they should have to be restricted to their very own road, and that road should also be an enclosed structure so those that choose to ride in these disgusting vehicles have to breathe in their own exhaust. Hey, it’s my right as a motorist not to inhale these toxic vapors; why should I have to end my life early because these lumbering contraptions freely pollute our publicly financed roads? But you know who are hardest hit by this pollution? The children. Well, maybe not mine since I don’t have any, but if I were to have a kkk Jr., he or she would be hardest hit for sure. Hey, if states can sue car manufactures for polluting the environment, why can’t I do the same to our local public officials?
• I don’t care if the way Australian scientists want to curb the growing Koala population is by planting a contraceptive between a female’s shoulder blades; I want to keep the image in my head of these scientists putting condoms on these cuddly bears. Why am I imaging this I have no idea, but it sure scares the hell out of me that I am doing so.
• Now the GOP is really on my shit list – just as I started to get into on-line betting these bitches want to outlaw me from using credit cards, checks and electronic fund transfers to pay my wagers. You guys need to stay out of my bedroom. Well, actually I don’t care if you’re in that room because nothing ever happens there, but don’t you dare set one foot into my computer room.
• I remember when Farm Aid was started it was to try and help small, family owned farms survive; a nice, populist cause if there ever was one. Now these concerts are encouraging us to eat organic shit? Either the original point of Farm Aid has gone away, or Willie Nelson, Neil Young and John Mellencamp have given up. I guess the next evolution of this concert will be to encourage everyone in attendance to write their Congressperson to encourage the banning of trans-fatty foods (unless this has already been done – I’m not hip on the latest goings-on at Farm Aid).
• Good for you Arnold for vetoing this stupid bill that would have given California’s electoral votes to the presidential candidate that gets the most popular votes of the country rather than the actual state itself. We’re not a democracy, we’re a representative republic; it’s not my fault government schools don’t teach this to our youth. Then again, it might be funny to actually let this bill pass because I’d love to see the leftists, who support this idea, backtrack when these 50+ electoral votes go to a Republican candidate rather than to the person running on the Democrat ticket who would be more likely to win this commie state’s popular vote.
You should know the routine by now.
Arizona at Atlanta (7.5)
Once again it looks like Arizona is headed down the “Hey many people selected us to be a ‘sleeper’ pick, but we’re still going lose” path. It’s still relatively early in the season to write the Cardinals off, but I’ll take my chances with Atlanta and that seven-and-a-half point spread.
(9.5) Dallas at Tennessee
With all the T.O. talk this week, some may have forgotten that the Cowboys have a game to play on Sunday. And it’s against the powerhouse Titans. I think the real reason Owens wants to play this week is so he can pad his numbers against one of the league’s struggling teams. Either way, I’m betting on Dallas to win, but will they win by more than 10 points? I’d like to go back and review Tennessee’s defeats to see if most of them were close, but then I’d be thinking while making these picks – something I promised not to do. I’ll say sure, why not go with those Cowboys?
(9.5) Indianapolis at N.Y. Jets
The Jets have been a scrappy team so far this year, and although I think Indy will win this game, the question is will they cover the spread. Well, the Jets head coach used to work on a team that had the Colts’ number, but because the Indianapolis offense had a light week against the Jaguars (especially in the first half) I’ll say a well-rested Manning leads his team to a double-digit victory.
(4.5) Miami at Houston
Miami hasn’t looked good all year, and Houston hasn’t look good ever since they entered the league. I’ll say Miami will probably win, but Houston will make it close with the potential for an upset.
Minnesota at Buffalo (1.5)
Interesting match-up. I’m curious to see how the Vikings react to last week’s loss. Will that loss to the Bears carry over into this week? I don’t know, but I’ll guess the Vikings in another upset.
New Orleans at Carolina (7.5)
I think it’s funny the 3-0 Saints are such big underdogs against the 1-2 Panthers. It seems that Carolina starts the season out slow and finishes it hot, so based on that alone I’ll say the Panthers will win. But will they cover the spread? Because the Saints have defeated their other divisional opponents this year, I’ll side with them this week.
(2.5) San Diego at Baltimore
Ben Roethlisberger played his first NFL game against the Ravens in Week 2 of the 2004-2005 season when he replaced an injured Tommy Maddox. If memory serves, he didn’t do too well. After two “tune-up” games, I think Phillip Rivers will experience what Big Ben went through.
San Francisco at Kansas City (7.5)
I think Kansas City will win, but will they cover the spread? I’ll say … no.
Detroit at St. Louis (6.5)
I think St. Louis will win, but will they cover the spread? I’ll say … sure.
(3.5) Cleveland at Oakland
A true clash of the titans, and neither one is from Tennessee. Oakland has been pitiful this year so far, but are they pitiful enough to have Cleveland be the favored team in the black hole? At least Cleveland played Baltimore tough last week. I’ll go with the Browns.
(3.5) Jacksonville at Washington
Washington had a big win last week, but it was against Houston. Jacksonville has had a hard schedule so far, and when a game at the Washington appears to be the “soft spot” in a team’s first four games, I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt.
New England at Cincinnati (6.5)
Cincinnati has played well so far this year, and New England has looked vulnerable at times. I have to go with the Bengals, even though I think the Patriots have a chance to make this a close game.
Seattle at Chicago (3.5)
The marquee NFC game of the week, I have a feeling one team will show up to play and the other one won’t. The problem is I don’t know which team will do what. Let’s see, in last year’s playoffs the Panthers crushed the Bears in Chicago, and Carolina got beat down the following week at Seattle. Based on this, I’ll side with the Seahawks.
Green Bay at Philadelphia (11.5)
I don’t see Green Bay winning, but can they at least keep it somewhat close? For some reason, I’m thinking of that horrible overtime interception Favre threw in the 2003-2004 divisional playoffs against Philadelphia a few years ago (at least I’m pretty sure this is the game I’m thinking about). Is that a sign? I’ll say yes.
• Fucking Democrats will do anything to get their power back. How else can you explain this?
Well, I guess there’s one other scenario that might be applicable in this instance – this guy is OUT OF HIS FUCKING MIND (allegedly, of course). What the hell is wrong with people? I honestly don’t know how I can make a wisecrack that’s better than the actual article itself. I mean, I guess I could say that if Barney Frank was doing this there wouldn’t be a story, but that joke is nothing when matched up against this.
• This is why I can never can fully embrace my brethren from the North. Canada, I like you and all, but not only are you a bit too tilted toward the socialist side of things for my taste, but also your freedom of speech laws leave something to be desired.
So displaying a picture of an aborted fetus is considered obscene? Larry Flynt could have one with a strap-on hitting it doggy-style with another fetus that didn’t make it through the third trimester and there would be people down here in the States calling that art (especially a particular politician from Florida; allegedly, of course).
• Well of course those “Bumfights” videos made some teens go out and pummel a homeless person to death. I guess Lionel Tate’s lawyer now has a new client to defend.
• And speaking of rumbles, screw their actual chess matches, I want to see these two retards duke it out in the parking lot.
In high school I joined the chess club during my junior and senior years. Well, actually my friend and I signed up just to play in some day-long tournament that was held at our school once a year. Hey, it beat going to class. The first match of the day always had me pitted against a kid from another school who attended this event to get out of class, too. We'd talk more about sports than we played. I usually won those games because my opponent would lose his queen first. In my second match of the day I always played against some kid who knew what he was doing, and I would get my king handed to me in no time. I'd then play a match against someone dumb like me, followed by some uber-smart kid. We also had free cookies and drinks, so all in all it wasn't that bad a day. In fact, after our junior year about a dozen other kids like us who attended just to get out of a day’s worth of classes joined my friend and me in next year’s tournament. Funny thing is that some of these kids were pretty good chess players, which pissed off those who actually attended this club's regular meetings.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura call of the day (or whenever I feel like doing this). Although the lady who phoned in and said she was “afraid” that her husband wanted to teach their kid the alphabet at too early an age and the guy who asked if it was OK to watch horror movies with his four-year old son are both good candidates, they can't top this one. A woman called in and asked at what age her kids should learn that their dad is a convicted sex offender. When asked how old her kids were, the caller replied, “19 and 16.”
